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Hey Folks!

So... sadly I had to delete the old story to work on it again. The plot just didn't make sense anymore and I wasn't able to finish my FF that way. Well, I have already written the new one (it's almost completely finished) and I'll upload a new chapter every week on Wednesday :)
A warning in advance: this story contains drug abuse, foul language and a lot of serious mental health issues, also torture, murder and physical violence in form of flashbacks. It's definitely not something for anyone, and if you feel triggered by this stuff, I wouldn't recommend to read it.

For everyone else - have fun reading <3

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Nervously, the black eyes glanced at the dial of the watch. When was this damn film finally over? Severus heard himself letting out an annoyed sound. Why had he let Liam persuade him to watch James Bond of all films? Action films belonged in the category of entertainment that he simply loathed. Another glance at his watch. Sweat was forming on Severus' upper lip because, as so often, the crash was beginning to creep in and he hadn't taken anything today yet. Restlessly, he began to sway his legs. Of course he had something with him, but for better or worse he would have to wait until the film was finally over.The cinema was packed. No wonder, not only was it Boxing Day, the film was also premiering and Severus could have thought of a thousand things he would have rather done than squeeze past the legs of complete strangers to get to the restrooms. It couldn't go on for long, because he had been sitting here for half an eternity, at least that's how it seemed to him. Severus didn't realise that blue, suspicious eyes were on him as he looked at his watch for what must have been the tenth time in a few minutes.
Half an hour later, Severus had finally made it through, and as he and his best friend left the cinema auditorium behind, the latter asked:
„What did ya think of the film?“„Hm? Oh...“
Severus had absolutely no idea what the film was about, so he replied:
„It was quite good.“„So, what’s the plan for tonight?“, Liam wanted to know when they reached the lobby.
„I don't know. How about you suggest something?“, Severus replied, shrugging his shoulders.„A new pub recently opened in the city centre. What do ya say we go and have a look?“„Fine by me.“, Severus curtly said.„Before we go, though, I have to go to the restroom.“, he added.
„You do that. I'll wait here.“, the bearded man said and took a look for the next best seat.
Unaware, Severus began to scrutinise the redhead for a moment. Liam didn't deserve to be lied to all the time, especially not after everything his friend had been through over the last few months because of him. Liam was the best thing that had happened to him since he had decided to turn his back on the wizarding world and... without Liam, he would probably be dead by now. Hastily swallowing the feeling of guilt, he turned away and made his way to the restrooms....Hurriedly, Severus ran down the few steps, entered the male’s restroom, made sure he was alone and finally disappeared into the very last cubicle. Trembling fingers reached into the inside pocket of his denim jacket and pulled out a bag of coke as well as a small pocket mirror and his wallet. He routinely began to spread the powder on the pocket mirror, forming two fine lines out of it with his credit card. He then rolled up the tenner he had also taken out of his wallet and used it to pull the stuff through his nose.
When Severus felt his chest tighten as his heart hammered against his ribs, he immediately knew that he had really fucked up this time. It wasn't an overdose - it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back. Panicking and gasping for air, he fled the cubicle and rushed to the sink to splash some water on his face in the hope that it would somehow help, but it didn’t. As he took a quick glance at the pathetic reflection of himself in the mirror, he noticed that he had forgotten to put a glamour on his face today of all days; his lips had taken on a bluish hue, while the rest of his face looked like a death mask - white, sunken, with dark circles under his eyes.
The sad result of months of excessive cocaine use glared back at him mercilessly, and when the room suddenly began to spin, he hung his head powerlessly, somehow trying to prop himself up against the sink. Why had he let it get this far?Weeks ago, after a breakdown at work, he had already been told at the hospital that he had damaged his heart through his continuous cocaine use. That he certainly would die within the next few months if he didn't pull the ripcord immediately, but he hadn't wanted to listen. Severus had really believed that he would somehow manage to continue using without suffering the consequences, but at that very moment he had been proven wrong. What was he supposed to tell Liam? That he thought he was on the verge of going into cardiac arrest? Would he even make it back to the lobby in this state, or would Liam possibly find him dead down here?Severus couldn't stop the fear of death from reaching its peak as a sharp pain shot through his chest while his damaged heart raced and skipped beats. Staggering, he turned away from the sink and leant his back against the wall tiles with his eyes closed. It slowly dawned on him that this would probably be the end. He had taken it far too far and now he would have to pay the bitter price - his life. Resignedly, Severus sank to the floor along the tiles. Just as he was about to accept his impending death, he thought of Liam again, and... of Minerva.
Severus was no longer the dismissive, misanthropic loner; that version of himself was long gone. There were now people in his life who cared about him and his well-being. What would he do to those people if he died now, especially Liam, who would probably be the one to find him? This thought released enough adrenaline to fill his giving-up body with life, at least for a moment, and Severus used this moment to fight his way back to his feet.
He somehow had to make it back to the lobby so Liam could call for help. Severus would have done it himself, but today of all days he didn't have his mobile phone with him, mainly because his part-time job as a dealer was slowly getting to his head and his customers were increasingly annoying him. Breathing heavily, he made his way out of the restroom, but the hardest part was yet to come - the stairs. Severus summoned the last of his strength and, panting, began to drag himself up the few steps. When he reached the top, he thought he would lose consciousness at any moment.
Just a few more steps, he mentally said to himself as he staggered towards Liam, who was sitting with his back to him. It didn't take long for the latter to turn around and jump up, as he immediately realised that something was very wrong with Severus.
„Fuck Sev, what's wrong with ya?“, he blurted out immediately as the younger man stood in front of him, almost white, trembling and drenched in sweat, while desperately gasping for air, and Liam couldn't help but notice that his lips were a bluish colour.„I... I can’t breathe…“,
Severus managed to choke out, then the world around him went black.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

May 2, 1998
Black eyes caught the gaze of the red, snake-like eyes; a gaze that was all too determined. Severus knew the time had come - his life was coming to an end. Without batting an eyelid, Voldemort swung the Elder Wand through the air and before Severus knew it, he was head and shoulders in Nagini's sphere. Hissing, the lord muttered something in Parsel, and the next moment the Potions Master felt the poisonous fangs of the gigantic snake burrow into his neck. An unimaginable pain shot through him and he let out a terrible scream. Desperately he tried to push the snake cage away from him, but he could no longer muster the necessary strength - the toxin had already taken full effect. Weakened, Severus fell to his knees. Muffled, he could hear Voldemort say that he regretted it. Of course he didn't regret it, in the eyes of the Dark Lord no life, apart from perhaps Nagini, had any value and anyone who stood in the way of his plans would be mercilessly eliminated. As Voldemort turned away to leave the Shrieking Shack behind him and the serpent's sphere released his spy, he fell to the ground.Severus was ready to die. Ever since he had become Dumbledore's spy all those years ago, it had been clear that he would not survive long if Voldemort ever returned. That he would have to make a sacrifice in favour of the resistance. He was only too happy to make this sacrifice if it meant that he could at least pay off a small part of his enormous debt. Despite the fear of death clouding his mind considerably, something suddenly occurred to him - he hadn't managed to reveal to Potter that he had to die by Voldemort's hand. As if on cue, he recognised the shadowy outline of a human slowly approaching him. Harry bent over the dying man he hated and regarded him with a strange expression. Severus was running out of time, his body was probably seconds away from giving up completely. Blood was pouring down his throat, every breath a struggle. He channelled the last of his strength, grabbed the young man by the cloak, pulled him towards him and released his memories. Potter knew what to do with it, had Granger hand him a vial and caught the silvery substance, which was neither gas nor liquid, with his wand. Now that his last task had been completed, Severus' remaining spirits left him. The black eyes met the green ones as the Slytherin's gaze became fixed and the hand on Potter's cloak loosened.
...Carefully, Severus opened his eyes. The place he was in seemed rather run-down, although he could hardly recognise any of it. Was this the afterlife? He let out an amused laugh at this ridiculous question to himself, although there was nothing to laugh about. For someone like him, there would be no afterlife, he was probably doomed to spend eternity in limbo. A blurred swirl of scarlet and gold told him that he was neither in limbo nor in the afterlife. He groaned as he realised he was still lying on the dusty floor of the Shrieking Shack.
„Get the hell out of here, Fawkes!“, he wanted to shout, but all that escaped his throat was a harsh whisper. It was too late anyway, the bloody bird had saved him from death just in time. It had obviously got in through the only window that wasn't boarded up. The phoenix let out a shrill, offended sound, circled the room for a moment and disappeared through the broken window back out into the night. With trembling fingers, Severus clutched his neck, where there was nothing left to bear witness to Nagini's attack. For a while, he simply lay motionless on the floor until he felt safe enough to get up, but his legs gave way. With great effort, he tried again and pulled himself up by one of the rotten window sills. It would certainly be a while before his strength had fully returned, but now he was at least halfway upright again. He had to return to the castle immediately, because it needed someone to take out the Dark Lord after Potter had sacrificed himself. Furthermore, he was still the Headmaster - he was responsible for Hogwarts and its inhabitants, and the only thought that drove him forwards through the tunnel was that he could still make himself useful somehow. He had once sworn to Dumbledore that he would do everything in his power to protect students and teachers.
When Severus pushed himself heavily out of the tunnel and entered the castle grounds, his wand held in his right hand ready for battle, it was silent. There seemed to be some sort of truce. The grounds were littered with lifeless bodies as far as he could see, and in the distance he could make out a few people - he couldn't tell if they were students or teachers - carrying the bodies away one by one. Severus felt a lump form in his throat, and at the same time he felt the hatred for Voldemort flare up inside him, as well as the blazing hatred for himself; he had been partly responsible for all of this. As he stood rooted to the spot a little way from the Whomping Willow, his gaze fixed on the numerous corpses whose outlines he could just make out, it suddenly became bitterly cold. It was a cold that only one of the most disgusting creatures that roamed the earth could produce. Tensely, Severus watched as at least twenty Dementors moved towards him. Thinking of Lily, he raised his wand and shouted:

„Expecto Patronum!“
The silver doe burst out of the tip of his wand and galloped wildly towards the Dementors, who disappeared again in a split second.
Severus heaved a sigh of relief and continued on his way. It had already been difficult for him in the Forest of Dean to conjure up a corporeal Patronus and access the few happy memories he still had.
Just as he was about to cast a Disillusionment Charm on himself - after all, no one would be pleased to see him - he heard a familiar voice calling his name. As he looked around for the owner of the voice, Potter suddenly emerged from under his invisibility cloak and stared open-mouthed at his teacher.
„Professor... you... how... can this be? I saw how you... how Nagini killed you…“, the Gryffindor stammered in disbelief.
„Fawkes.“There was nothing more to say, and Harry understood, after all, the phoenix had once saved him himself when he had been at the mercy of the basilisk's poison. As they stood facing each other in silence for a moment, it was Harry who broke the silence. Of course, he must have looked at the memories already. An unpleasant feeling spread through Severus' insides and he couldn't stop his cheeks from glowing.
„Look, I'm sorry that I... thought you were a traitor. What you did…"Harry didn't get any further when Severus interrupted him.
„It was always my intention for you and everyone else to believe that, Potter.“Harry didn't reply, instead he continued to stare at the older man with a mixture of admiration and disbelief. Severus suspected that this was the last time he would see the young man. He could think of no other reason why Harry was out and about on the castle grounds without his friends, hidden under his cloak. He had to admit to himself that he had been wrong about Potter all these years, blinded by the hatred he had felt towards James. Which he still felt. Not many people would willingly sacrifice themselves for the greater good, but Potter was a Gryffindor through and through. Without thinking about it, he squeezed the student's shoulder briefly and Harry realised that the professor's usually icy, expressionless eyes had come to life. The black reflected compassion and sadness. Something Harry had never seen in Snape's eyes for as long as he had known him.
„You are a brave man Potter, and I deeply regret what must happen, and... that it is not possible for me to save you. I will try to destroy the Dark Lord once and for all, after it is done.“Severus did not want to say what had to be done, and to his chagrin, the thought of it pained him more than he wanted to admit. Harry was still silent, and Severus thought he recognised a single tear forming in the corner of his eye.
„Take care of yourself, Professor.“Harry didn't seem to know what else to say. Once again, the green, glassy eyes met the black ones, and as Severus nodded in acknowledgement, Potter disappeared back under his cloak and continued his death march with determination. Severus swallowed. How must the boy feel at the thought of meeting his own death? He quickly dismissed the thought, he couldn't get hung up on it. He had to stay focussed, so he routinely occluded his mind and his eyes took on their usual lifeless expression, the pale face becoming an impenetrable mask. Severus disillusioned himself and walked quietly towards the castle.
Hogwarts lay in ruins, and as dusk slowly fell, the outlines of the bodies became more visible. Disturbed by the sight, Severus tried to avert his gaze. As a supposedly loyal Death Eater, he had of course seen more than one corpse in the past; men, women, small children, old people, some horribly disfigured, burnt, desecrated. The empty, staring eyes of those he had been unable to save haunted his sleep every night, and when he felt the images coming up, he hastily pushed them behind his occlumency shields. He couldn't weaken now, he could only collapse when he knew Hogwarts and its inhabitants were safe. On his way, he passed Longbottom and Wood, who were carrying two first years into the castle. Longbottom looked as if he had aged years and had nothing in common with the once clumsy boy that Severus had always made life difficult for.
As he left the entrance hall behind him and walked through the Great Hall with cat-like steps, he felt sick. Countless dead bodies lined up next to each other. He saw people hugging each other, crying and kneeling next to their loved ones. He passed Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks. He had heard that they had recently had a son, who was now condemned to grow up without parents. One of the Weasley twins had also been killed. The worst thing for him, however, was that most of the first years had fallen victim to the attacks. Children who would have had their whole lives ahead of them. Severus passed Minerva McGonagall, who was comforting a student. Her hair had disintegrated, her dress was torn in several places and her face looked as if she had experienced a hundred years of suffering.
It was too much. Severus began to stagger and the hall began to spin. He rushed away almost like a curse, ran so far that no one was in sight and threw up. No amount of Occlumency in the world could make these images leave him cold. He had failed. He had failed to protect his students, and anger rose up in him again. There was nothing he could do for the time being because of the ceasefire, but he knew that it could not last for long. Severus decided to position himself not far from the entrance hall and wait to see what happened next. With a heavy heart, he continued to watch Longbottom and Wood carry the dead inside. He would have loved to help them, but he would probably come under fire as soon as anyone recognised him.Time seemed to stand still as Severus began to completely tune out what was happening around him. All he did was stare apathetically at holes in the air while he didn't know what to feel, or if he was even capable of feeling anything anymore. It was Voldemort's magically amplified voice that snapped him out of his apathy.
„Harry Potter is dead.“Severus felt his heart skip a beat as he saw the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters approaching, followed by Hagrid carrying a body. The horrified screams of McGonagall and Potter's friends made the blood freeze in his veins. He watched as the portal filled with more and more people, as Hagrid, shaken by sobs, placed Harry's body at Voldemort's feet, as Longbottom rushed resolutely towards Voldemort, his eyes pinned on Nagini. A brief shudder ran through Severus at the sight of the snake and he unconsciously clutched his neck. He watched in horror as the Dark Lord rammed the Talking Hat onto Neville's head, which soon burst into flames. As the boy was already ablaze and Severus was about to intervene, he and everyone else became aware of the commotion near the edge of the school grounds. A horde of giants was approaching, followed by the centaurs, who were resolutely shooting their arrows in the direction of the Death Eaters. At first he hadn't realised that the burning hat had fallen from Longbottom's head. When he turned his gaze back to Neville, he saw him pull Gryffindor's sword from the depths of the hat and cut off Nagini's head. He whirled around as Hagrid's voice came through the roar of the giants.
„Harry! Where's Harry?“Stunned, Severus realised that Harry was no longer lying on the floor. Before he could ask himself what was happening, he realised that the thestrals and the hippogriff Buckbeak were scratching the giants' eyes out and a comparatively small giant was beating his larger rivals with his fists. Then a fight seemed to break out between Death Eaters and castle inhabitants. Severus sensed his chance and began firing curses at every Death Eater he caught sight of. Apparently he wasn't the only one acting unnoticed. Potter had to be somewhere under his invisibility cloak. He didn't know how the brat had managed to survive again, but at that moment it didn't matter anyway. More and more witches and wizards were rushing into the fight and Severus bravely followed them into the Great Hall. In a flash, he pointed his wand at a Death Eater who was about to fire his Killing Curse at a third year and roared:
„Sectumsempra!“As if struck by an invisible sword, the Death Eater's clothes and skin were sliced open and he fell to the ground screaming as a pool of blood spread around him. The student, visibly shocked at the sight, turned hastily to and fro in search of the culprit and finally ran away, perplexed. In passing, Severus observed that the house elves had also joined the fight and were stabbing Voldemort's henchmen with kitchen utensils. Most of them - although still outnumbered - were already badly wounded. Severus decided to remove the Disillusionment Charm from himself. Let them all see that he wasn't one of them. He would not continue to hide like a coward.
„Snape, you bloody traitor!“, one of the Death Eaters shouted when he recognised the spy, but Severus immediately silenced him with the Stunning Spell. As he continued to fight his way through the turmoil, always keeping an eye out for Voldemort, he watched to his amusement as Yaxley, Dolohow, MacNair, Greyback, Rookwood and Thicknesse were brought down by ordinary children. Of course, he was also under fire, Death Eaters and Hogwartsians alike were firing all sorts of curses in his direction, which he skilfully blocked, almost as if he was shooing away an annoying fly. Then he saw him - Voldemort was fighting McGonagall, Kingsley and Slughorn with a crazy look on his face, and even the three of them couldn't take him out. As he continued to fight his way towards the Dark Lord, careful which curses he simply blocked and which he shot back at, he almost let out a cry of joy when he saw Bellatrix Lestrange being taken out by Molly Weasley. As Voldemort, with fury written all over his face, pointed his wand at Molly, a huge shield spell suddenly spread through the hall and the Dark Lord, who at that moment looked like a doused poodle, realised with horror that Potter was still alive as he tore the cloak off his head. All the cheering died down immediately as the crowd seemed to be terrified. No one could understand what was happening. Like everyone else, Severus watched as Potter and Voldemort began to circle each other like lions. No one seemed to notice that Dumbledore's supposed murderer was standing in their midst.
Among other things, Severus learnt about the Horcuxes, now he also knew what Dumbledore had kept from him all this time and how Harry had managed to survive. He listened as Potter revealed that the Potions Master had never really been Voldemort's man, and that he himself was the rightful owner of the Elder Wand. As the rising sun bathed the hall in red-gold light, Harry struck the final blow.
„Expelliarmus!“„Avada Kedavra!“Then everything happened very quickly. The spells collided with a deafening bang. Potter caught the Elder Wand with his free hand as Voldemort hit the stone floor and stopped moving. It was over - the Dark Lord was dead. Defeated by his own rebounding curse. Harry stared in disbelief at Voldemort's corpse, then the hall began to cheer again. Hundreds of people rushed towards the Chosen One, tugging at him, wanting to touch the saviour of the wizarding world at all costs.
Severus felt as if he was in some kind of trance. He couldn't believe that it was really over and carefully pushed up his left sleeve - the mark was nothing more than a faded scar. It really was over. He let this realisation sink in for a moment, then casually noticed that he was being gripped by strong arms; it hadn't taken long for the Aurors to start escorting the remaining Death Eaters to Azkaban. Severus did not resist, he simply let it happen to him.
„Stop, what are they doing? They can't do that!“, Harry shouted indignantly when he had finally managed to shake off his admirers.
„They can't take him to Azkaban!“No one seemed to notice that the headmaster was being taken away. Harry looked around frantically and hurriedly ran towards Kingsley when he spotted him in the crowd.
„Please Kingsley, do something! Snape is innocent... what he did was all part of a plan. Dumbledore... he wanted Snape to kill him. It was agreed between them. He... they can't take him to Azkaban!“, stammered Harry.
„I'm sorry, Harry, but my hands are tied. Snape isn't just a Death Eater, he committed the murder of Dumbledore. The evidence is overwhelming, there's nothing I can do for now.“, Kingsley murmured. Harry watched in horror as the Aurors disappeared with Snape.
„There's going to be a hearing, isn't there? I can testify on his behalf... the portrait... I'm sure Dumbledore will testify on his behalf as well. He's innocent, Kingsley!“The newly appointed Minister of Magic eyed Harry a little sceptically, but agreed to listen to what he and Dumbledore's portrait had to say.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

A week had passed since Severus had been taken to Azkaban with the other Death Eaters. He didn't know what was going to happen next, no one had told him anything, but he didn't care anyway. If it was his fate to rot in this dilapidated cell, he would accept it. After all, he had done enough things to justify spending the rest of his miserable existence in such a despicable place. Severus had nothing left to live for anymore. His only purpose in life had been to spy and protect Harry. Now the boy no longer needed protection and the Dark Lord was defeated.
The past days were nothing more than a blurred, distorted memory. Severus felt like he was dead inside, no longer able to feel even the slightest emotion. It was as if someone had numbed his mind, and although the Dementors had been immediately withdrawn by Shacklebolt's decree and replaced by Aurors, a relentless coldness was slowly but surely crawling through his insides; he felt as if he would never feel anything like joy or hope again.
A day later, Severus was released. Apparently, Potter and Dumbledore's testimonies had been weighty enough to acquit him without a hearing. He accepted his wand and the discharge papers impassively and followed the guard to the boats. The stormy crossing passed by him without leaving the slightest impression. Shortly after the boat had docked, a whole dozen journalists, photographers and reporters stormed onto the dock. Severus had expected them to ambush him like hungry hyenas. Thousands and thousands of questions were hurled at him and the hysterical crowd resolutely blocked his way, unwilling to let Hogwarts' former Headmaster pass by just like that. A quick flick of his wand and the crowd parted in the centre. Surprised faces watched as the Potions Master rushed past them and disappeared a few yards further on. Not far from Spinner's End, he reappeared in a clearing and almost mechanically made his way into the run-down settlement. It had been a long time since he had been here, and he found his house in a corresponding state - cobwebs and dust had adorned all the furniture, but he couldn't have cared less about the current state of his childhood home. Heavily he slumped into a dusty armchair and simply stared into space for a while. The coldness that had spread through his insides slowly began to melt away and his mind came to life, flooded rudely with the images of the last few days.
Severus wished he had remained emotionally numb, the numbness was followed by the worst depression he had ever had. Not even after Lily's death had he felt so miserable. As a result, he had a complete mental breakdown and lay in bed for days on end. While he slept, he was plagued by terrible nightmares. When he was awake, a feeling of unbearable hopelessness gnawed at him. He cursed Fawkes for preventing him from finally finding death. That he had survived was a cosmic mistake, and on the fourth day, which he spent almost completely lethargic in bed, Severus decided to put an end to all this, and since he had no potions in stock, he would have to do it the Muggle way for better or worse. He quickly found what he needed for his endeavour in the garage, then climbed the stairs and entered the attic, where there was nothing more than a few moving boxes and pieces of worn furniture.
Lost in thought, Severus knotted a noose from the rope he had fetched from the garage, grabbed a chair that no longer looked stable, placed it under one of the roof beams and carefully climbed onto it to fasten the rope. With trembling hands, he placed the noose around his neck and tightened it. For the last time, he regretted what he had done with his life. If he hadn't been so incredibly naive when he was younger, he probably wouldn't be standing here now, desperate and with no other way out. He hesitated for a moment, then took a deep breath and pushed the chair out from under him.
The hoped-for broken neck failed to materialise, and so began a bitter death struggle. His entire body shook and twitched, and the inability to fill his lungs caused panic to rise in Severus, but there was no turning back. After what felt like an eternity, the twitching subsided and the gasping slowly stopped. He felt blood rushing in his ears, his vision blurred and was enveloped in a pleasant blackness. Severus rolled his eyes into the back of his head and surrendered to the blackness while a faint, relieved smile appeared on his face. Only seconds later, he hit the wooden floor hard, followed by part of the roof beam he had been hanging from - missing his body by only a few inches. Panting and gasping for breath, he tore the noose from his neck and straightened up with difficulty.
„This bloody dump of a house…“, he croaked as a sudden raging anger flared up inside him. His life had never been anything but a shambles, and now he wasn't even going to be allowed to finally find death? Severus blew all his fuses. As if stung by a tarantula, he jumped to his feet, grabbed the worn-out chair and fired it with full force towards the roof truss while uttering an angry scream. His throw, amplified by an involuntary magical outburst, had such force that it tore a gaping hole in the roof. When Severus realised what he had done, he sank to his knees. He sure had a lot of pent-up rage inside him, which he would have loved to release at that moment, but he knew that in the worst case scenario he would destroy the entire house. The anger finally turned to despair as Severus buried his face in his hands and began to weep bitterly. He didn't want to go on living like this. Not with all the guilt... the horrible memories that haunted him every night. What was the point of going on living anyway? He had no friends, no family. No one who cared about him, and with the end of the Dark Lord, he had now lost the only thing that had kept him alive all these years. So how was he going to live on, since it was obviously not yet time to leave? Severus stood up after the tears had dried up and he felt a little more relieved and left the dusty attic behind him. All he wanted now was sleep.The next morning, Severus was as good as new. Motivated, he swung himself out of bed and disappeared straight into the bathroom, as he hadn't showered for several days. A cursory glance in the mirror revealed a three-day beard and an ugly red mark on his neck, which disappeared after a quick flick of his wand. He quite liked the beard somehow, so he left it in place. The first step on the way to a new life.
After the uncertainty about his future had left him no peace and prevented him from getting sleep, he had stayed up half the night brooding. At some point, he had come to the realisation that he could possibly come to terms with the idea of continuing to live, but not in this place. He associated too many bad memories with his childhood home, because it had never really been a refuge, and the ghost of his father lurked in every nook and cranny. Although Tobias had died almost a decade ago, the atmosphere within these walls had not changed; the house breathed nothing but darkness and was a memorial to what his father had done to him and his mother.
There was his great-aunt's house in Cove Bay, a suburb of Aberdeen. As he was the last living relative, the house had automatically become his property a few years earlier after her death, but he had never bothered with it because he had never expected to survive Voldemort's second reign of terror. So, after much deliberation, he had decided to pull up stakes in Spinner's End and move to Scotland. What's more, Severus had decided to start all over again and begin his new life in Aberdeen as a Muggle. It was time to finally put the past behind him and look to the future. He had had enough of the magical world, and once the move was complete, his wand would only serve as a dust catcher in the attic.
After Severus had showered, he set about repairing the hole in his roof. He gulped when he saw the broken roof beam on the floor, but quickly pushed away the thought of his suicide attempt yesterday and got straight to work. While he was at it, he might as well renovate the whole house, he thought. There was no way round it anyway if he wanted to get rid of the house at a reasonable price. He soon realised that there was nothing that didn't need to be repaired in some way, and although he mostly used magic, it took more than half a day to get everything renovated.
On a sunny Friday at the end of May, he apparated to Cove Bay to take a look at the state of his future home, which was less bad than he had expected. A few renovations, small changes to the remaining furniture and several cleaning spells, and the house was ready to move into. The electrics were no longer up to date, but this shouldn’t be a major problem. Severus could take care of all the finishing touches and the procurement of new furniture once he had moved in.
Once again he realised how much he liked Cove Bay; as a child he had spent his summer holidays here, which he associated with the happiest memories he had. It was a nice residental neighbourhood on the seafront, nothing like the hole where his parents’ house stood. Perhaps he would be more likely to find peace in such a place....About a month later, the move was in full swing. Severus had commissioned an estate agent to sell his house and, to his surprise, a buyer had been found quite quickly. Of course, he didn't get much for the house, but he hadn't expected the sale to bring in a fortune either. The actual move was due to take place in two days' time, the removal men had already been ordered and while Severus was packing up the last few things, the doorbell rang. He was taken aback, he never normally had visitors. So he was astonished when he looked into an all too familiar face. Minerva McGonagall scrutinised her former colleague somewhat curiously, as he was wearing ordinary, somewhat worn Muggle clothes, his hair appeared to have been freshly washed and a dark stubbly beard still adorned his pale face.
„Minerva, I... I wasn't expecting your visit.“, Severus murmured, somewhat embarrassed.
„Hello, Severus. May I come in?“, she asked, and he couldn't help but notice that her suffering and misery of the past weeks and months were clearly visible.
„Of course.“, he replied and let her in.
„Sorry, it's a bit messy. I'm in the middle of a move.“McGonagall's gaze fell briefly on the moving boxes, then she took a seat in the chair Severus had offered her. He himself sat on a sparse stool, as almost all the furniture had been taken to the rubbish bin. When he asked if she wanted a drink, she just shook her head.
„Where are you going to move to?“, she finally asked.
„To Aberdeen, to my late great-aunt's house. There... well, there's nothing to keep me here.“„I see.“, Minerva mumbled, but didn't go into it any further. Just as Severus was about to ask her why she was here, she said:
„I came because I want to apologise to you. For believing you were a traitor. Potter told me about what you've sacrificed all these years and... Merlin, I had no idea!“, she said and began to sob. Severus was highly uncomfortable with the whole situation. Not only because she was apologising in tears, even though he was the one who had caused everyone so much pain. Now everyone probably knew about his bet, and only because Potter couldn't keep his edge.
„There's nothing you need to apologise for. After all, it was part of the plan for everyone to think I'm a traitor. I'm the one who should be apologising. Everything that has happened is largely my fault.“, Severus spat bitterly. McGonagall didn't seem to know what to say to that, and once again silence spread through the almost empty living room.
„Would you mind telling me your new address? I'd hate it if we didn't see each other again. My best friend lives near Aberdeen, so I'd be in the area a lot anyway.“, the Animagus said after a while, whereupon Severus thought for a moment. If he was really honest with himself, he had to admit that he was glad that Minerva wasn't vindictive. During his time as a teacher, she had always been his favourite colleague, as they both had a similar dry, sarcastic sense of humour. At the time, he had been very offended that she and everyone else had believed him to be a convinced murderer and Death Eater. So Severus agreed, wrote his new address on a scrap of paper with a half-broken biros and handed it to McGonagall, who thanked him and disappeared as quickly as she had arrived.
...It was now mid-October and Severus had settled in well, more than that - for the first time in his life he had a real home where he felt comfortable. Over the last few months, he had done up his great-aunt's former house quite a bit and it was unrecognisable. There were only three rooms, but that was more than enough for the former potions master. The parquet floor was made of maple, almost all the furniture was either black or white and he had painted some of the walls grey, plus there was an expansive bookshelf in the living room and a display cabinet made of solid oak. The whole thing was rounded off with houseplants of all kinds, large and small. There was even a television - not that he used it all that often. The location of the house was also very appealing, it was close to a cliff and he could see the sea from his bedroom window.
He now even had a driving licence and a car, as he needed both to get around in the Muggle world; Severus had had some unpleasant experiences with public transport in his youth, so he didn't want to be forced to use it again. According to his driving instructor, he had been one of the best students he had ever had, as it had only taken Severus about two and a half months. Everything about it had seemed ridiculously easy to him, driving was strangely one of those things that had come easy to him straight away, and as the theory test had only required pure memorisation, his photographic memory had definitely been an advantage. He had also taken a computer course because he felt he needed to know how to use something like that to make it in this world in the long term.
Unfortunately, he had trouble understanding the locals from time to time - the older population in particular spoke mainly Doric, but he could also barely understand them when they tried to speak normal English to him; the Aberdonian dialect always took over in the course of conversation and included a number of Slang words he didn't know. Apart from the small communication problem, Severus had the feeling that things were finally looking up for him. Of course, there was still his past and the countless images that haunted him every day, but he could live with that to some extent. At least if he regularly used his occlumency to block out these images.
Now, however, there was something he had to take care of, and the thought of it alone gave him a terrible stomach ache - he had to get a job. The proceeds from his parents' house and almost all of his savings had gone on the move, various bills, the new furniture, driving licence and car, and money was slowly but surely running out. He had already taken care of the necessary documents, so his wand had hopefully been used one last time to adjust his certificates accordingly. He had also obtained a CV from an internet café, that was probably all he would probably need for a temporary job.
A local newspaper finally drew his attention to a job as a parcel carrier at DHL. It was the only job that didn't require any special skills apart from a driving licence, so he quickly picked up the phone and dialled the printed number. Luckily for him, the position was still open and he was due to attend a work trial next Monday. If he did well, he would get the job. Severus wasn't sure to what extent he should be happy about it, after all, he could imagine that the work was quite physically demanding, but for the time being he had no other choice.
...„Parcel carrier? You can't be serious... please, your qualifications are a thousand times better than that!“, McGonagall exclaimed indignantly when she came to visit him at the weekend. She usually came once a week, sometimes only once a fortnight, depending on how busy she was at the time. By now, she seemed to have calmed down a bit mentally, because she didn't look nearly as miserable as she had during her short visit to Spinner's End.
„I have no other choice. I have to make a living somehow, and unfortunately, with my magical training, there aren't many options within this world.“, Severus said realistically.
„My friend's son works as a parcel carrier, and from what I've heard, it's a terrible job. They're always looking for potions masters at St Mungo's, why don't you give it a go there?“„I'm not going back to the magical world, Minerva, I've already told you that.“, snapped Severus angrily. Of course he missed brewing. It had always been his vocation, more so his passion, but his decision was final.
„Do you really think that a life within the Muggle world is right for you? After all, it must be a huge adjustment.“, Minerva said, frowning.
„My father was a Muggle, and I grew up as one until the first appearance of magical powers. I know how to behave as a Muggle. Paying bills, relying on electricity, using public transport... none of this is new to me. I think things are pretty uncomplicated in this world, and that's exactly what I want. My life has been complicated enough so far.“„You call that uncomplicated? Exposing yourself to the dangers of road traffic every day, when you could just as easily apparate? Not to mention the medical care...“, said the old witch a little piqued.„But driving is much more fun, besides, I'm not necessarily aiming to be a one hundred and fifty year old fart.“, Severus replied, his lips curling.
„You've changed a lot, Severus.“, McGonagall sighed.She was quite right; among other things, Severus now attached great importance to his appearance, so he had completely changed his clothes and now wore whatever was in fashion. He wore some of his long hair tied back and no longer wanted to do without his stubbly beard. A month and a half ago, he had started jogging regularly and going to the gym twice a week, and his slender figure was slowly but surely giving way to an athletic physique. He had also started smoking shortly after moving in, much to Minerva's displeasure, which she always complained about as he smoked indoors and outdoors. His nature was also beginning to change. Although he was still largely cool and reserved, he seemed much less stiff and formal and even cracked a tentative smile from time to time. It seemed as if he was a lot more even-tempered than before.
„Change is a part of our lives.“, he said bitterly, and his features hardened a little more than usual....Monday morning was the day. At a quarter to seven, Severus was standing outside the parcel centre in Aberdeen, having got lost twice and spent almost half an eternity looking for it. As agreed on the phone, he made his way to the main entrance, rang the bell and waited to be let in. Now he just had to find the personnel office. Merlin, how could anyone find their way around a place like this? There were probably only more doors at Hogwarts... After asking his way round again and again, he knocked boldly on the office door a little later and entered somewhat hesitantly. Briefly, he glanced around the room, which was comparatively small and occupied by only one person, a scrunched-up man with a moustache and a bald head. It had to be Mr Williams, the man he had spoken to on the phone. He had noticed the stranger immediately, got up from his desk chair and walked towards him.
„Are you Mr Snape?“, he asked in a strong accent.„I am.“, Severus said firmly, although he was unusually nervous; he had never had anything like a real job interview before.„I'm Mr Williams, but why don't you call me Duncan? Come with me, then.“, said the team leader, smiling wanly and motioning for Severus to follow him. A short time later, the former spy was astonished to find himself in a gigantic hall lined with countless wooden slides overflowing with parcels. At the end of each slide stood a parcel carrier in red and white clothing, loading an equally red and white delivery van. Finally, they stopped at one of the workstations, where a broad-shouldered and unusually tall man was working intently.
„Awright, here’s yer freish sidekick!“, shouted Duncan and the man turned towards them.
„Foo come dae ah aye hae tae be the een tae wyte fan some een is bein' trained? Neist time ye hae tae fin' anither eejit.“, the man barked, and although Severus didn’t understand a word, it was obvious that he was anything but enthusiastic about having a trainee. If Severus had had to guess his age, he would have estimated the man to be in his early forties. He was generally handsome and obviously worked out a lot, had short copper-red hair, an equally copper-red beard and sapphire-blue, friendly eyes. Both of his muscular arms were completely covered in tribals and only on closer inspection Severus saw that one of his eyebrows, his nose and both ears were pierced. At first glance, he looked like he belonged to a dangerous motorbike gang, but the sapphires revealed that he was anything but dangerous. The man now looked at Severus, a little sceptically at first, then his expression suddenly became curious and a hint of a grin appeared on the bearded face.
„Weel, nae een can dae it as guid as ye.“, said Duncan smiling and the man turned back to him and rolled his eyes.„Liam will show you what you need to know.“, Duncan now turned to Severus and disappeared back towards his office, while the Slytherin scratched the back of his head nervously, not knowing what to say. He wasn’t particular good at social interactions, especially not when meeting strangers.
„Hiya, I’m Liam.“, the readhead beat him to it and shook hands with his perplexed counterpart.
„Severus.“, he returned shyly.
„Sure ya wanna start in this shitehole of a company?“, Liam asked, now grinning broadly, and although he had switched to regular English straight away, Severus could hardly understand him because of his heavy accent.
„Well, looking at this…“, he replied, barely audible, as he watched Liam returning to his work, groaning while he load up a parcel weighing at least seventy pounds.
„You’re from England, aren’t ya?“„Erm… yes.“Again, Severus’ answer was shyly. He didn’t wonder about Liam having figured out the fact that he was an Englishman that fast, thanks to his own distinctive accent.
„Which part of it?“„Leicestershire.“„I visited Leicester about twenty years ago, liked it very much.“, said Liam.Merlin, if Severus hated something, it was smalltalk…„We do it like this…“, Liam began after wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.
„You pass me the parcels, I’ll load em up. I’d recommend ya bring gloves from now on, you can have one of mines for today.“, he said, handing the black-haired man his spare pair.
„Thank you.“, Severus mumbled, putting on the gloves, which were far too large, and stood ready. After about ten minutes he could already feel his arms getting tired and they weren’t even on their way yet.
„Pretty exhaustin’, eh?“Liam had obviously not failed to notice that his new helper was struggling.
„Indeed.“, Severus said a little breathlessly.
„You’ll get used to it eventually, but I’d really think twice about it.“Severus didn’t mention that he had hardly another choice.„All this stuff isn’t just thrown in here at random. The parcels are sorted by street, but we’re not there yet. If they take ya, you’ll be trained for a few weeks anyway.“, Liam explained casually, to which Severus merely nodded while he was busy trying to block out the burning pain in his back. When he realised that the other man seemed to watch him with quite some interest, a fine blush crept into his face. Something about the parcel carrier was anything but ordinary and Severus couldn’t help but notice that Liam had a certain attraction to him, although he couldn’t really place the feeling. Once the van was fully loaded, it was time to start the tour. Liam rummaged in this shoulder bag for a moment, pulled out a CD and popped it in.
„Metallica?“, Severus, who wouldn’t necessarily have described himself as a Heavy Metal fan, asked with a raised eyebrow after taking a look at the cover. He wasn’t a stranger to groups like this, after all, he himself had enjoyed artists like Pink Floyd, Gary Moore or The Police since his teens and was therefore anything but averse to non-magical musicians. He had also spent years dealing with muggle-born teenagers, who often talked about what music was currently popular.
„I hope ya don’t mind. I can concentrate better while drivin’ if I’m listenin’ to stuff like that on the side. Otherwise…“Once again, the huge hand wandered into the shoulder bag and took out two more CDs.
„ …I only have Anthrax and Slayer left.“Severus didn’t know either of the bands, but the names and illustrations on the covers alone told him that Metallica was probably the lesser of two evils.„No, that’s all right.“, he finally said.
Severus found it hard to imagine that anyone could concentrate better to that, and unfortunately for him, Liam’s driving style was just as aggressive as the music he favoured.
„Sorry…“, Liam apologised, taking his foot off the gas when he saw Severus clinging anxiously to the door handle.
„Auld habbit. I used to be a paramedic, ya know. Guess I’ll never break my speedin’ drivin’ habbit in this lifetime.“„How come you’re now working as a parcel carrier?“, Severus asked with interest as he unconsciously scrutinised the muscleman next to him.
„The mental strain was too much for me at some point. In this job you’re inevitably confronted with fates that can be quite hard on the psyche. In between, I worked for a few years as a labourer in construction and in various motor repair shops and finally ended up at DHL three years ago. Probably because I’m more or less my own boss here and nobody usually gets on my nerves durin‘ work, apart from the customers of course.“, Liam said, finishing his sentence with a laugh.
Severus suddenly noticed that he felt quite insecure in the other’s presence, because Liam radiated a degree of looseness that he would never have been able to muster. Liam must have thought there was something wrong with him, after all, he had hardly uttered a word so far. Ashamed, he turned his head away when he realised that his cheeks were burning. When they stopped at their first house, Liam grabbed the clipboard that had been on the dashboard and said:
„You just run along and watch what I do, okay?“The actual work looked simple: one had to get the parcel from the hold, hand it over to the customer and get a signature in return. In practice, however, this was anything but easy - if the customer wasn’t at home, one had dragged the often excessively heavy parcels out of the van for nothing and then had to lug them back into it to hand them in at the next parcel shop after work. Many of the customers were unfriendly, one was exposed to wind and weather as well as the hurdles of city traffic and a lot was demanded physically.
By one o’ clock in the afternoon, the two men had already completed two thirds of their work, which was due to the fact that, according to Liam’s assessment, they had very little work to do that day. Outside a small housing estate, Liam switched off the engine and lit a cigarette.„Do you smoke?“, he asked, politely offering Severus one, but the latter had brought his own cigarettes and lit one up as well. Suddenly, Liam turned to him, his blue eyes flashing in excitement.„I know who you are.“Severus raised an eyebrow again at that somewhat unusual statement.
„What exactly do you mean?“, he asked, visibly perplexed.
„Isn’t this a wee bit of a step down, bein‘ rumoured to be currently the most powerful wizard in all of Britain?“For a moment, Severus froze completely.„How… what… did you just…?“Confused, he stared at Liam, who began to laugh uproariously, baring a row of flawless teeth.„Man, ya should see your face!“, he exclaimed in amusement.„Are you… a wizard, too?“, Severus asked straightforwardly, continuing to look at the readhead in utter confusion.
„I wish… I’m a Squib. My parents both come from ancient wizardin’ families, but luckily they’re quite decent people who aren’t ashamed that their only child was born without magical powers.“Severus was still staring. He couldn’t believe that one of the first people he’d met in this world was a Squib, of all things. However, that probably also meant that Liam knew he was training a former Death Eater.
„Doesn’t it bother you at all that you have to… deal with someone like me?“, he finally asked, somewhat embarrassed.„What should bother me about it?“„I was a Death Eater in my former life… I… murdered Dumbledore.“„Killin’ someone out of mercy isn’t murder, if you ask me. Besides, it’s a well known fact that you were never really a convinced Death Eater, at least if what Skeeter’s book says is to be believed.“Severus let out an angry growl. Only two months after the end of the war, Rita Skeeter had written a biography about him, probably after spying on him in her Animagus form for years. Almost everyone within the British wizarding world - Squib, witch or wizard - now knew almost every detail about his life, although much of the content had been blown out immensly.
„That doesn’t change the fact that I have done terrible things.“, the ex-spy said quietly.
„Because you hardly had another choice.“, Liam added. Severus remained silent. He felt terrible, being inevitably reminded of what he had wanted to leave behind. Liam seemed to realise this somehow and said softly:
„Listen man, I don’t care what you did your previous life. Ya seem like a nice bloke, that’s all there is to it.“Of course the parcel carrier was interested to know why such a talented wizard as Severus Snape had retreated to the Muggle world and probably decided to take on such a job of his own accord. No one had seen him since the end of the war. There hadn’t been the slightest hint of his whereabouts. It was almost as if he had completely vanished into thin air. Some rumoured that he had left the country, but Liam hadn’t expected him to leave the wizarding world behind and opt for an ordinary life in the non-magical world. However, there was not yet the time to ask any personal questions, as they had only met a few hours ago.
Severus, for his part, eyed Liam for a brief moment, let his statement sink in and finally smiled hesitantly.
„Thank you, Liam.“„Not for that.“, said Liam, smiling back and throwing his cigarette butt out of the window.
„We should get on with it, I wanna call it a day.“

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Hey folks,

first of all I would like to apologise for not uploading a chapter yesterday as usual on Wednesdays. I had a nasty migraine and spent the whole day in bed. But next week I'll continue as usual on Wednesday :)

Now, after a little delay, have fun with the next chapter! <3

-

„What do ya think? Could you see yourself doin’ the job long-term?“, Liam wanted to know as they smoked a cigarette together in the car park after work.
„I think so.“, came the curt reply. The day had been incredibly exhausting; Severus had known that the work would be physically demanding, but he hadn't expected it to be this hard. For the time being, however, he had to take what was available, but he doubted very much whether he really wanted to do this job in the long term.
„I'll put in a good word for ya with Duncan then. I can’t understand why you wanna start here so badly, but there’s probably a reason for that.“, the Squib said and winked, whereupon Severus gave him a grateful look, because he really needed the job.
„With my kind of education and my skills, there aren't many options in this world when it comes to choosing a career.“, he said. Liam understood and nodded curtly.
„Maybe see ya next week, then.“, the redhead said with a grin, winked at Severus once more and walked towards his car.
During the journey home, Severus thought back over the day, unable to get the encounter with Liam out of his mind. He couldn't remember anyone ever calling him a nice bloke before. Admittedly, he liked Liam, he had taken a liking to him straight away and it somehow impressed him that he had behaved absolutely non-judgemental towards him, despite the fact that he was partly aware of Severus' dark past - the biography contained more than enough information that would have put one or two people off.
*
Liam had a strange look on his face as he drove home. Severus Snape... of all people He had been his trainee today, and despite his changed appearance, Liam had recognised him immediately. The wizard had fascinated him for quite some time, especially his outstanding skills in Occlumency and Potions, but what had fascinated him most was that Snape had managed to successfully fool Voldemort for years. What had been written about him in the past - that he was cold-hearted, cruel and brutal - seemed to be completely untrue. The man he had met today had been shy, reserved and polite; he had seemed like a normal person rather than a heroic figure. Why had he, of all people, chosen a life in the non-magical world?
*
The next evening, Severus got a call from Duncan - he had the job. He would officially start next Monday, and to his credit, Liam would continue to train him, as it was planned that Severus would take over his district in the future. He was actually a little pleased about this news, now his source of income was secure for the time being, and it certainly couldn't get any worse than teaching pubescent tormentors.
...
Excitedly, Severus made his way to the personnel office on his first official day of work to report to Duncan. It would have been an understatement to say that he was nervous. The team leader greeted him in a friendly manner and immediately handed him the employment contract, which the wizard signed without hesitation. He then took a set of work clothes and disappeared into the next changing room.
„Report to Liam. You’ll find the way?“, Duncan asked after Severus had changed, to which he nodded curtly.

„Welcome aboard.“, Duncan said with a grin. Severus returned the grin and left the personnel office behind him, only to find himself back in the gigantic hall a short time later. He recognised the bright red mop of hair from afar, causing the corners of his mouth to twitch briefly. As last time, Liam was completely absorbed in his work and didn't realise at first that Severus was standing in front of him. He cleared his throat a little embarrassed, whereupon Liam jerked his head round.
„Hiya, Severus.“, he said, smiling a warm smile.
„Well, what can I say... welcome to the loony bin.“
Liam finished his sentence with an uproarious laugh, but again Severus only twitched the corners of his mouth. Again, he realised how insecure he felt in Liam's presence. Perhaps because the Squib was everything he wasn't; handsome, open, confident and obviously popular with his colleagues - Severus had already been able to observe that during the trial work. When he realised that he was blushing, he scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. Although there was really no reason for it, the whole situation was overly embarrassing and he would have liked to sink into the ground. Liam seemed to realise that he felt uncomfortable and said:
„Ya seem really nervous, but there's nothin’ to be nervous about. We'll take it easy, okay?“
Severus scrutinised his counterpart for a moment and frowned, but then a barely visible smile appeared on his face.
„Okay.“
„I'd say we do it like last week. Ya just watch me for now and I'll explain all the steps on the side.“, Liam suggested.
„I dunno how the others do it, but I let the ones I'm trainin' drive the tour under my guidance from the start. You memorise it much quicker if ya drive it yourself. Is that a problem for ya?“
„No, not at all.“, Severus replied curtly.
„Good, let's get down to business, we've got a lot of work to do today.“, Liam groaned somewhat theatrically.
When they had fully loaded the van about half an hour later and Severus was already drenched in sweat, the newly minted colleagues decided to have one last cigarette before leaving. As they walked towards the hall exit, Severus didn't know what hit him when he suddenly bumped into someone; he had been chatting animatedly with Liam and hadn't looked ahead for a moment. He landed awkwardly on his bottom and looked up at a middle-aged man who was making a fairly grumpy face. Before he could apologise, the man barked:
„Watch where ya goin’, arsehole.“
Scowling, he turned around and was about to continue on his way, but before he had even taken the first step, he landed on his arse as well. Liam, who suddenly looked incredibly angry, bent down, grabbed the man by the collar and pulled him up in one go. The man looked fearfully into the sapphire-blue eyes, which looked anything but friendly at that moment.
„If ah hear ye hanlin’ Severus or the ither colleagues in that tone o' vyce again, ye'r in fur it, Tony.“, he said threateningly, baring his teeth. Tony angrily freed himself from Liam’s grip, stared at him in disbelief and hissed:
„Fuck Liam, get a grip.“
Hastily, Tony stumbled away, while Liam watched after him with a grim expression. Severus was simply perplexed. Why had Liam reacted like that? After all, it hadn't been a big deal; he'd had far worse things thrown at him in the past.

„Have ya hurt yourself?“, Liam now turned to Severus.
„No, everything's fine.“
„You did, didn't ya?“, Liam asked with a grin. He had seen Severus jump to his feet in a flash and give Tony a bitter look.
„What do you mean?“
Severus looked questioningly at the redhead.
„You made Tony fall on his arse.“
A soft laugh escaped Severus at the choice of words.
„Yeah, but not on purpose. When I'm angry, I tend to have magical outbursts, especially since I stopped using my wand.“, he said, sounding a little guilty.
„You don't do magic anymore?“, Liam asked in surprise.
„No.“
„That's... kinda interestin’.“, the older man muttered.
„Anyway... Tony had it comin’. I hate that bastard... for months I've been seein’ him taking his bad mood out on colleagues or customers. I guess this time it was the straw that broke the camel's back.“
Liam shrugged his shoulders innocently, still grinning. He was obviously taking great pleasure in the fact that Tony had taken the hit this time.
„Thank you for... sticking up for me, Liam.“, Severus said, embarrassed; he wasn't used to people sticking up for him to this extent.
„No problem.“, Liam said calmly and gave him a quick pat on the shoulder.
„Now let's go for a smoke so we can finally get goin’.“
...
Groaning in pain, Severus heaved a parcel of dog food weighing well over sixty pounds out of the van at around lunchtime, and it was just one of many. As he and Liam dragged parcel after parcel to the customer's front door, she stood in the doorway with her arms folded, watching the proceedings with a grim expression on her face.
„This woman’s gonna drive me crazy one day!“, Liam spat as they made their way to their next stop, which was just outside the city.
„It feels like every week I almost break somethin’ on those damn parcels. I dunno how many mutts she has, but that’s anythin' but normal... ya have to turn left up ahead.“
Severus remained silent as his eyes were focussed on the road. He tried to concentrate on the traffic somehow, but his aching limbs made this almost impossible. Increasingly, he had the uneasy feeling that the physical strain might be too much for him, as he was already completely exhausted and the working day was only half over. The idea that he would have to single- handedly lug six or seven parcels of dog food around every week was anything but appealing.

„You're really good with the van, if I may interject.“, Liam said suddenly, managing to distract Severus from his pain for a brief moment.
„I... thank you.“, he mumbled sheepishly.
„Ya wouldn't believe how stupid some people are. I guess it's because a van is a wee bit bigger than a normal car... have you had your drivin’ licence for long?“
„No, I have it for two months now.“
„Well, you definitely don't drive like a beginner.“
There was something appreciative in Liam's voice.
„It... sounds a bit pompous, but somehow I had a talent for it from the beginning, and I really like driving.“, Severus bubbled.
„I don't think it sounds pompous at all. If you're good at somethin’, it's okay to admit it.“, said Liam with a grin.
„I guess we have somethin’ in common, I would also describe myself as a pretty passionate driver. What do ya drive?“
„A BMW E34. Nothing special.“, Severus mumbled.
„And you?“
„That's quite a lot for a novice driver... my first car was a rickety VW Beetle.“, laughed the redhead.
„Now I’m drivin’ a Mustang Boss 572.“
„A nice car.“, Severus simply said, as he was no longer ignorant in this area - if someone had told him six months earlier that he would one day be interested in cars, he would probably have declared them mad.
„It cost a pretty penny, too. I remember...“
„Liam? Which exit?“, Severus interrupted Liam as he drove towards a large roundabout.
„Oh... the fifth.“
He barely managed to get into the right-hand lane.
„Sorry, I forgot ya didn't know the way yet. Guess I'm talkin’ too much again.“
Liam laughed and shook his head slightly.
„Maybe we should postpone our conversation until later and concentrate on the essentials, otherwise you'll get lost because of me.“
Severus grinned, gave Liam a sidelong glance and nodded. The longer he spent with him, the more he liked Liam. Never before had he met a person who radiated such composure and friendliness, and the cheerfulness he exuded was almost infectious. Slowly but surely, Severus began to relax in Liam's presence.
...

„What an absolute shite day...“, Liam grumbled as he and Severus smoked their well-earned after-work cigarette. A few hours ago it had started pouring out of buckets, and since then the rain had only got worse. Despite their rain gear, they were both soaked through to their underwear, and to make matters worse, Severus had narrowly escaped an accident because someone had skidded due to the rain. Fortunately, he still had his almost cat-like reflexes and, thanks to his lightning-fast reaction, had been able to prevent worse.
„You can say that again.“, Severus spat. For the life of him, he didn't know how he was going to manage this job alone in the future.
„Maybe we'll get lucky with the weather tomorrow, and well, with everythin’ else as well.“, Liam mocked, his mouth twisting into a sardonic grin as they stubbed out their cigarettes and walked towards the car park together.
„I hope so.“, Severus said, barely audible.
In fact, they were lucky with the weather over the next few days, but not with the amount of work or the moods of the customers. At least Severus had already memorised the route after the first day, and sorting the parcels was also easy for him by now; once again, his photographic memory proved to be extremely helpful. Of course, Liam hadn't failed to notice that the black-haired man had learnt unusually quickly.
„I think ya could manage the tour on your own now.“, he said as they sat enjoying the sunshine with a coffee and a cigarette near the harbour during their lunch break on Saturday afternoon. When Liam noticed that Severus' usually expressionless face suddenly looked shocked, he added:
„Don't worry, the plan is for you to spend a fortnight learnin’ the ropes.“
„Thank Merlin...“, Severus groaned in relief.
„I doubt I could manage that right now. We've shared the work so far, and it's certainly something completely different to have to do it alone.“
„Aye, but you'll get into it quickly, you'll see. Anyway, you've done really well so far. Much better than all the idiots I've had to train so far.“, Liam chuckled and patted Severus on the shoulder.
„You'll do fine.“
Severus merely commented with a smile and took a large sip from his coffee mug. He had hardly slept since Wednesday and even masses of caffeine could only just keep him awake. He had been suffering from nightmares for several years, but now they had reached a new peak. Severus knew that this was mainly due to the fact that he occluded almost constantly. At some point, he would inevitably have to deal with what he had experienced, but at the moment the memories were still too fresh.
„Can I ask ya somethin’?“, Liam eventually said in an unusually reserved tone. There was one question that had been nagging at him since their first meeting.
„Yes, of course.“
„Why did you decide to live in the Muggle world, and why here in the granite city of all places?“
Liam's cheeks began to burn as he watched the peaceful features of his counterpart darken.
„Sorry, I shouldn't have asked.“
„I...“, Severus began, licking his upper lip.

„You know, I wanted a fresh start, away from the magical world and everything that reminds me that I did horrible things... that I once became a Death Eater of my own free will. A few years ago... I inherited my late great-aunt's house from Cove Bay, and after the war ended, I decided to turn my back on my old hometown for good. My childhood home... I sold it, I couldn't stay there.“
Severus didn't know why he had gone into so much detail, at least by his standards; after all, he hardly knew Liam and he wasn't exactly an open person when it came to his private life. He was actually used to sorting things out with himself, and yet... somehow Liam had given him the feeling from the start that he didn't judge him and accepted him for who he was. Only Lily had once given him a similar feeling.
*
Thanks to his good knowledge of human nature, Liam had quickly realised that the Slytherin's rough exterior concealed a soft core. This sensitive, reserved bloke, who he had been dealing with for about a week now, had nothing in common with the Severus Snape that had been reported on in the Daily Prophet or various other magical media. Ever since the day they had met, he had been on Liam's mind. It wasn't of a romantic nature or anything like that - Severus simply made him curious.
He didn't know exactly what it was, but the younger man exerted a certain attraction on him. Especially the black eyes, which seemed dead and expressionless most of the time, but every now and then revealed a glimpse of the storm raging inside Severus. He almost looked like he was lost and... like he could need a friend.
„In a way, I'm glad ya ended up in this world, otherwise we wouldn't have met.“
When Severus jerked his head around and raised an eyebrow, Liam realised that he had obviously said that sentence out loud, whereupon he cleared his throat sheepishly and turned away a little so as not to make eye contact. He didn't see the smirk that had appeared on his pale face.
...
Groaning with aching muscles, Severus got out of his BMW a few hours later and only noticed the tabby cat outside his front door at the last moment, which he almost stepped on the tail. The feline meowed accusingly and gave him a disapproving look. He sighed and let her in.
Merlin, why is she here so early?, he spat in his mind, but outwardly he remained polite and respectful.
„Minerva.“, he greeted her curtly after she had changed back and taken a seat on his sofa. It was the first time she had seen him in his work clothes, and so she looked down at him for a brief moment, visibly sceptical.
„I see you've fully integrated yourself into this world by now.“, she remarked pointedly, to which Severus merely rolled his eyes.
„Indeed.“, he replied coolly, pouring her and himself a glass of whisky and handing the witch one of the glasses. Minerva thanked him, took a sip and finally asked:
„How are you feeling at the moment, Severus?“
Severus wondered what he should say in reply. He was haunted by terrible nightmares almost every night and it was only thanks to his occlumency that the images of the past few years did not haunt him during the day as well. He suffered from a lack of sleep and his limbs ached incessantly, but apart from the mental chaos and the extreme physical strain, he was better than he had ever been. He had a real home, a halfway decent job and was no longer under constant pressure to spy. He also had the feeling that something like a friendship might develop between him and Liam at some point. Things had never been better, and the decision to live as a Muggle

had probably been the best one he had ever made. For the first time in his life, he was also truly free. Free from his father's ghost. From his job as a spy. Free from the Dark Lord... from Dumbledore.
„To be honest, I'm doing very well, Minerva. My life has never been as good as it is now.“, was his reply. There was only a contemptuous sound from Minerva, and Severus knew only too well that she couldn't accept that he was wasting all his talent doing a job that any idiot could probably do after a while.
„I know you firmly believe I'm wasting my talent, but it takes a lot more than that to make a decent living.“
„Were you in my mind just now?“, McGonagall groaned indignantly, whereupon Severus grinned maliciously.
„You're making it pretty easy for me.“, he snarled, indirectly pointing out that her mind was like an open book. Something he wasn't particularly surprised about; after all, as far as he knew, she didn't know any occlumency. Minerva looked at him reproachfully for a moment, then averted her gaze and shrugged her shoulders - a gesture she didn't show too often.
„If you really like your new life so much, I'm very happy for you, of course.“, she choked out and Severus knew that she didn't mean what she said. She was probably happy for him indeed, but that didn't change the fact that she was worried about him.
She had never expressed this concern to him, but he knew that she was. Severus knew her well, she was generally quite strict, especially when it came to her students, but she also had a motherly side that showed itself from time to time. That's why she came round regularly - she just wanted to make sure he was doing well.
A little later, Minerva left his house somewhat meekly. Severus sincerely hoped that she would finally stop worrying about him all the time, as he wasn't doing him or herself any favours.
...
Much to Severus' chagrin, the last week in which he was trained flew by. Just the thought of having to do everything on his own next week gave him a terrible stomach ache. Liam still believed that he was already ready, but Severus did not share this opinion at all.
„I think you're overthinkin’ the whole thing.“, said the redhead as they smoked a cigarette together after work as usual. It had become a regular ritual between them. Over the last two weeks, to Severus' great surprise, they had started to become friends; he wasn't really someone who made friends that quickly.
„Somehow, I just don't think I'll be able to handle the physical component of the job in the long run...“, Severus groaned, rubbing his face.
„You'll get to grips with it eventually. It'll take a while for your body to get used to it, but once it does, you won't have any more problems. Do you train?“
„I... go to the gym every now and then, I also jog every evening.“
„It can help to exercise your arms and back regularly. Personally, I lift weights and I think it's only thanks to my trainin’ that my spine and joints are still halfway intact.“, Liam grumbled, cracking a few vertebrae in his neck.
„More training certainly can't hurt...“, Severus muttered and stubbed out his cigarette with a trembling hand.

„Ya nervous or somethin’?“, Liam, who had been following the trembling movement, now asked, frowning.
„I... yeah.“
„About next week?“
A brief nod.
„You worry far too much, Severus. You're good with the van, you know the route inside out by now and you sort parcels like no other. What could possibly go wrong?“, Liam said optimistically, and Severus once again felt his relaxed demeanour literally spill over onto him and he began to relax a little.
„Maybe ya need a little distraction. What are you doin’ tonight?“
„Nothing... why?“
„Fancy goin’ for a wee dram?“, asked Liam, grinning, and the grin was immediately returned. Severus had never been much of a drinker, but the possibility of silencing his mind for at least a few hours was too tempting.
„Why not?“, Severus replied, still grinning.
„Where would you like to go? I... don't know my way around here at all, I'm afraid.“
The grin faded as he began to feel a little pathetic. He hardly knew his way around Aberdeen because he was a misanthropic loner who only left his house when he absolutely had to. Because he preferred to hide away in the solitude of his own four walls. It was still a mystery to him why Liam wanted to hang out with him voluntarily. He hastily drove the thought out of his head and tried to concentrate on the conversation again.
„We could go to The Den... a pub in my neighbourhood where I usually spend my weekends. You can crash at my place if ya want. I only live a few streets away.“, Liam suggested.
„Sounds good. I'd go home to change first, though.“
„I was about to do the same.“, Liam said.
„When should we meet?“
With his fingers still trembling, Severus pushed his sleeve up a little and glanced at his watch.
„How about seven?“, he suggested, to which Liam agreed, hastily writing the address of the pub on an old notification slip and handing it to him after briefly giving him directions.
„See ya later then.“, Liam murmured, winking briefly at Severus and finally making his way to the car park.
There was a strange smile on Severus' face as he looked after Liam. He had liked him from the start, but the more time they spent together, the more intense the Squib's attraction to him became. Liam was unlike any person he had ever met before.
Severus had been a loner all his life, mainly because he never trusted most people. Because he had always expected that contact with other people would result in them hurting him in some way. This was completely different with Liam, because he had trusted him almost instinctively from the very beginning. When Severus sensed that his feelings were about to overwhelm him, he routinely occluded his mind, took a deep breath and made his way to the car park as well.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

„Just drive, you bloody idiot!“, Severus ranted angrily half an hour later, banging on his steering wheel, while the driver in front of him obviously didn't realise that he was going at least ten miles an hour under the speed limit. He had already been stuck in a traffic jam for twenty minutes due to an accident, and it was now after half past six. When Severus arrived at home another ten minutes later, he immediately saw to his chagrin that Minerva was sitting on his doormat in her Animagus form. They had been supposed to meet, he had completely forgotten... he didn't like being rude, but he had to stand her up. He really cared about her, but for some time now she had been getting on his nerves and he definitely didn't want to spend the evening listening to lectures instead of having a good time with Liam.
Surprisingly, Minerva's reaction was completely different to what Severus had expected. He had actually expected to be told off, but Minerva smiled wanly after he told her that he had an impromptu meeting with a work colleague. The old witch simply wished him a pleasant evening and then disappeared. He decided to ignore her strange reaction and finally get ready, because time was running out. Hurriedly, he jumped into the shower, then randomly picked a few good clothes from the wardrobe, got dressed and left the house again in no time at all.
...
Severus parked his car in front of the pub on time, which he had only managed to do because he had been driving like a maniac; he hoped he hadn't fallen into a speed trap anywhere, because that would undoubtedly be expensive for him. He could imagine that Liam wouldn't have minded a little delay, but he himself hated being late and had always tried to avoid it as much as possible. It was probably an old Death Eater fad, as being late to the Dark Lord's was usually penalised with the Cruciatus. As Severus walked towards the entrance and took a quick, scrutinising look at the location suggested by Liam, he didn't notice at first that he was already standing in front of the door with a cigarette in his hand.
„Hiya, Severus.“
The deep voice made Severus flinch, but he grinned when he recognised its owner.
„Hey, Liam.“
Somewhat stiffly, he stood next to the giant and lit a cigarette as well. Now he realised why he hadn't seen Liam at first; he was wearing tight black jeans, a black T-shirt with the Anthrax logo, his favourite band, a black battle jacket and a black beanie. Only his shoes were white. Obviously something they had in common, because Severus was also dressed almost entirely in black as usual, albeit a little less conspicuously; his dark grey lumberjack shirt could barely keep up with Liam's jacket, which had a considerable amount of studs.
Somehow, Severus still found it hard to believe that he actually had a date with a work colleague, and a completely voluntary one at that. At Hogwarts, he had always had to attend all the upcoming festivities, but had never taken part in any after-show parties. Social events of any kind had only ever been a necessary evil in his life, such as the balls at Malfoy Manor. Severus shook himself as his mind wandered too far. Suddenly there was a huge hand waving in front of his face. Severus flinched again and jerked his head to the side. Liam looked at him sceptically, whereupon his cheeks began to glow.
„I'm sorry, I was obviously lost in thought.“, he mumbled. „Did you say something?“
„I asked if we should go in. That was kinda creepy just now, man, ya must’ve been really deep in thought.“, the redhead said and laughed his unmistakable, uproarious laugh. Severus' cheeks were now burning and he could hear his father sneering in the back of his mind:

„I always said you were just a bloody freak!“

Why did he always have to act like a moron when he met new people without having occluded every corner of his mind? Liam wasn't even a stranger by now. This one finally snapped him out of his tirade of self-loathing and inferiority complexes.
„C’mon, let's go inside, I'm gettin’ cold.“
Severus nervously followed the older man into the pub. He quickly realised that it was nothing special overall, although you could tell that from the outside. Liam couldn't stop himself from being constantly chatted up while the two men looked for a free table.
„Fit hae ye brocht here, McTavish?“, an older man with a bulbous nose, who didn’t seem to be sober, boomed.
„That's aneuch tae frichten ye.“
Severus still understood very little Doric, but enough to have heard what the man had said. Of course, he was aware of the sinister aura he had on some people and sighed, which did not escape his attentive companion.
„Haud yer weesht, Gilmore.“, Liam hissed, putting his arm around Severus' shoulder and pushing him out of the man's sight.
„Don’t listen to that auld drunkard. I mean... if ya understood him. Even I don't really understand him most of the time.“, he said snidely after they had found a table in the far corner of the pub, but Severus merely replied somewhat disinterestedly:
„I did, but nevermind. I've had far worse things thrown at me.“
Liam looked at him sympathetically, seemed to consider for a moment what he could say in response and then said:
„Ya don't look frightenin’ to me at all.“
A hint of a smile appeared on the pale face.
„What would ya like to drink?“, Liam finally wanted to know.
„I don't know... a Guinness maybe.“, Severus mumbled.
„Good choice. I'll be right back.“
Less than two minutes later, Liam returned with two Guinnesses in his hand and placed one of the glasses in front of Severus, who thanked him politely.
„Here's to a pleasant evenin’.“, Liam said with a grin and clinked glasses with him. It didn't take long for the two of them to strike up a conversation and Severus realised once again that they had a few things in common; their mothers were both Irish by birth, Liam was a passionate reader like him and they favoured the same beer, and then there was the fact that they both knew that a magical world existed. Severus considered himself lucky that he had ended up with a Squib, because befriending a Muggle in his case meant that he would have to keep a large part of himself hidden. That he could never be completely honest about who he was.
They quickly switched to whisky, and as the alcohol level rose, the conversations became more and more profound. When Severus felt brave enough after his third whisky, he decided to ask Liam a more personal question. A question he had wanted to ask for a long time.
„What's it like growing up as a Squib with two magical parents?“

When he registered Liam's inscrutable look, he scratched the back of his head in embarrassment and mumbled:
„I'm sorry if this question is too personal...“
„Nah, not at all.“, the older man rebutted.
„It was really hard at first. I grew up in Catterline, a village about twenty miles south of Aberdeen. Catterline is one of those places where magical societies were established after the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy came into force and coexisted peacefully with the Muggles for centuries. Most of my childhood friends were wizards, so it was really hard for me when my Hogwarts letter didn't arrive after my eleventh birthday. The worst thing for me, however, was that I thought my parents would disown me, but they stuck by me right from the start. My paternal grandparents caused quite a scene, after all, the McTavish's had always been purebloods and had produced wizards like Torquil McTavish.“
„You're related to Torquil McTavish?“, asked Severus in astonishment. He knew he had heard Liam's surname somewhere before.
„Aye, I'm his great-great-great-great-grandson.“, Liam replied, visibly proud.
Torquil McTavish was a man who was widely known within the British wizarding world; the Scottish wizard had become quite a celebrity after a broom race from Aberdeen to Rome with his rival Silvio Astolfi in 1754, during the course of which the Colosseum was briefly reduced to rubble.
„Anyway, after my friends found out I was a Squib, they made my life hell from then on. Ya know, insultin’ me, hurlin’ curses at me... Mum and Dad then moved me to Cults because they wanted to offer me a life away from discrimination. A place where I could grow up normally, after all, a life in the Muggle world is usually the only thing that comes into question for us. For my sake, my parents tried to avoid magic as much as possible, but I would never have asked them to do so. Relyin’ solely on non-magical technology would have been a huge change for them. After I finished school and started my paramedic trainin’ and they knew I would be fine on my own, they left me the house and moved back to Catterline. What they sacrificed for my sake isn’t somethin’ I take for granted.“
Liam was very lucky to have such understanding parents. Severus knew that quite a few witches and wizards disowned their Squib offspring or tried to hide them from the public. In his case, ironically, it had been the other way round, as Tobias had spent most of his life ashamed of having fathered a wizard and had done everything he could to hide the fact from his clan.
„Do you ever regret not having magical powers?“, Severus asked, feeling kind of stupid.
„Not really. I would’ve liked to train as a healer like my mother, so I became a paramedic instead. I actually wanted to study medicine, but I guess I was just too lazy for that back then.“, Liam laughed and shrugged.
„Other than that, I'm livin’ a good life in the Muggle world, but... speakin’ of magical powers - ya miss doin’ magic?“
„Yes, I do, but I want to finally leave my past behind me, and this aspect of my life is a big part of that.“, Severus said with a hard face and took a large sip from his whisky glass.
Liam had noticed from the start that Severus' past was a difficult subject, and he was somehow sorry that the younger man was obviously suffering from it. Hoping to change the subject and lighten the mood a little, Liam finally ordered another round, and then another shortly afterwards. Barely half an hour later, the two men were so drunk that neither of them could see straight. In the meantime, they had begun to talk about the most abstruse things, Severus at one point slurring his words about how his father, when he was still a teenager, had won a tidy sum in a lottery and bought him an electric guitar.

„He pushed it and the amplifier down the stairs after I must have played the solo from Pink Floyd's Time twenty times in one day.“, he said so dryly that Liam burst out laughing.
Severus could imagine that this story must have sounded quite funny to an outsider, but it had been anything but funny to him. Before he could fall into dark thoughts again, they were thrown out by the innkeeper. It was already half past one and they were the last ones still there.
They shook themselves as they stepped outside the door of the pub. Winter was definitely upon them, icy winds whipped into their faces and teared the remaining leaves from the trees. While Severus barely managed to walk in a straight line - he didn't know where he was going anyway - Liam walked calmly behind him, ever vigilant, expecting Severus to trip over his own feet at some point.
„How can it be that you're so sober again?“, he asked snappishly, trying not to choke on his tongue.
„A buzz never lasts long with me, and some movement and fresh air do the rest.“
Severus also realised that movement and fresh air helped, so he was at least walking reasonably safely again when they turned into Liam's street. The neighbourhood was quite nice to look at and was very different from his own; many of the houses seemed to be hundreds of years old, which gave this part of the city its very own charm. Eventually, they stopped in front of a rustic house made entirely of granite. Severus raised an eyebrow as Liam opened his front door and immediately an excited, raspy meow was heard.
„Oh yeah... I hope you're not allergic to cat hair or somethin’.“, Liam said casually as Severus looked at a cat that almost looked like it had reached into a socket.
„That's Puss. I know, it's not a very creative name...“
Puss was jet black, with long, shaggy fur, gorgeous white whiskers and amber-coloured eyes. Purring, she stroked around Liam's legs as he leant down to pet her.
„Hey baby.“, he said in an affectionate tone and grinned as Puss began to rub her little face against his beard.
„I found her half-starved on the side of the road a few years ago when she was just a kitten. She's been with me through some really hard times.“, Liam murmured as he scratched the cat tenderly behind the ear. Severus couldn't stop himself from grinning. It wasn't that he hadn't expected Liam to not just be extremely capable with humans. It was just... this huge, all-black, respectable bloke, half-squatting on the floor and stroking his cat with soft features. There was something almost endearing about this scene.
When Liam stood up again, Puss turned her attention to Severus. She stared at him for a moment, then blinked slowly, meowed and walked straight towards him with her tail raised to snuggle against his legs. Cats were not necessarily his favourite animals, but when Puss sat down right in front of him, looked straight up to him and let out an almost demanding meow, Severus couldn't resist and leaned down to let Puss sniff his hand.
„I can't believe it...“, Liam said with a smile as he watched the cat rest her front paws on Severus' thigh and let him stroke her, purring.
„Puss doesn't usually like strangers...“, he added.
Severus was astonished when they entered Liam's living room a little later and his gaze fell on his living room table - an engine block with a glass top. The expansive leather sofa, which could fit at least eight people, was no less impressive. Contrary to the rustic façade, the interior of the house was modern and eccentrically furnished, and Severus immediately felt at home. Puss had followed them and jumped onto his lap as soon as he had sat down.

„Puss really seems to be into ya.“, Liam said with a grin as he took a bottle of Glenmorangie out of his glass cabinet.
„It certainly seems that way.“
It didn't matter if he was a particularly big cat lover or not. This little creature had chosen to seek his company of all people, and he was somehow honoured by that fact. He had to admit one thing to himself as he scratched the cat's chin: she had definitely won his heart.
„Would you like another, or are you still drunk?“, Liam wanted to know, amused, as he pointed at the bottle. Severus shook his head, realising that he simply wasn't used to drink anymore, so Liam only poured himself a drink and placed the bottle on the table, along with a small, wooden box, which he immediately turned his attention to.
„I hope ya don't mind...“
Severus watched as Liam opened the box and pulled out a bag of weed, a pouch of tobacco and a set of papers.
„Helps me switch off at the weekends, ya know.“, the redhead explained a little sheepishly and Severus had the feeling that Liam was trying to justify himself, but he didn't have the slightest objection.
„It doesn't bother me.“, he said, shrugging his shoulders. He then watched with interest as Liam began to roll a joint. It looked like it took a considerable amount of dexterity, and when Liam had finished, he asked:
„Ya comin’ out for a smoke?“
Severus nodded once more and tried to push Puss off his lap as gently as possible, but she ignored his tentative attempts. He looked somewhat helplessly in Liam's direction, who immediately began to laugh.
„Just put her on the floor.“
Severus did as he was told, but Puss seemed anything but pleased and let out an indignant meow as he set her on the floor. When Liam opened the patio door, he sighed as it had started to rain cats and dogs.
„We'd better go into the garage.“, he decided.
Severus was amazed once again when they entered the garage; next to the poison green Mustang was a black, spick and span motorbike.
„I didn't know you had a motorbike.“
„Well, I’m not ridin’ it at the moment because I’m plannin’ to modify it.“, said Liam, lighting his joint.
„What kind of bike is that?“
„A 1990 Harley Davidson Fatboy.“
Severus had never really been interested in motorbikes, but somehow he had to admit that it was a cool hobby, and this hobby suited Liam like a glove.

When the smoke from the joint drifted in his direction and Severus recognised the unmistakable smell, he suddenly became curious. He had never smoked pot before, it had never appealed to him before, but now that he was confronted with it so directly, he wanted to know how the stuff worked. He was no stranger to drugs. At the time, they had been his only way of somehow surviving his job as a spy, but he had never taken anything just for fun before.
„Can I... have a go?“, he asked shyly, his eyes fixed on the joint.
„Have you ever smoked pot before?“, Liam wanted to know.
„No.“
„I dunno, you've had quite a bit of booze, on the other hand... most people don't even notice an effect after the first time.“, the Squib said, shrugging, and finally handed Severus the joint. He began to cough so violently after the first puff that Liam had to pat him on the back a few times. There was a tense expression on his face as he tried not to cough his lungs out, but the urge to cough lessened with every puff, and the effect was not long in coming.
Severus felt his eyes getting smaller and smaller while his heart beat unusually fast and a pleasant feeling of weightlessness spread through his head. Somehow he liked this feeling, so he took another drag. When Liam saw that his eyes were closed while a strange grin was on his face, he asked a little sceptically:
„Are you okay?“
When Severus opened his eyes again and looked directly at Liam, he suddenly burst out laughing.
„What's so funny?“, Liam asked with a grin, but he knew that Severus was probably just having a laughing fit. He couldn't contain himself at all and it wasn't long before Liam joined in the laughter.
„I've got an idea.“, he said, wiping the tears from his face.
„Have ya ever seen The Naked Gun?“
Severus shook his head and wiped his face briefly as well. The last time he had seen a film was when Jaws had been showing at the cinema.
„I'm sure you'll like it.“
Severus didn't know if he had ever laughed so hard before, because after just a few minutes of the film, he had burst into tears again from laughing so hard, and Liam was no better.
When he lay in Liam's guest bed a few hours later, there was a smile on his face. Here he was now. At his work colleague’s house, after they had spent a casual, fun evening together. Severus couldn't stop the smirk from widening; was it really possible that someone like him could find something like a real friend again?
...
Going out with Liam at the weekends, drinking and having a joint now and then, had become the norm for Severus. It was his way of leaving the stress of everyday life behind, especially now that he didn't know how he was going to cope with the mountain of work in the run-up to Christmas. As Liam had predicted, Severus quickly got used to working alone from then on, but the physical aspect of his new job still demanded everything of him, and hardly a day went by without him coming home with his face contorted in pain.
On Hogmanay 1998, Severus was once again in Cults - Liam was having his annual New Year's Eve party at his house and had insisted that Severus come too. Basically, he had been delighted to be invited, but what had given him a headache were all the other friends and acquaintances of Liam that he would inevitably meet. Severus, who was rather socially awkward, had never been good at making forced conversation with strangers. More than that, he hated it.

Severus felt like an alien in the company of at least thirty other visitors; not only one pair of eyes had turned to him when he had entered Liam's living room, something he’d expected. He knew absolutely nothing and no one, and even if he had known anyone, he couldn't have thought of anything to talk about. Again, he heard his father calling in the back of his mind:

„Freak!“

Of course, it didn't take long for Liam to notice, thanks to his subtlety, that Severus seemed uncomfortable. He briefly wondered if it had been a mistake to invite him in the first place. His motivation behind it had been that the wizard finally dared to come out of his shell and socialise more, but now he wasn't sure if it had been a good idea. After all, he couldn't keep Severus company all evening without exception.
„Everythin’s all right, Sev?“, asked Liam, and the fact that he had recently started using the same nickname for him that Lily had once used made Severus smile - the two men had become quite close friends since their after-work meeting a few weeks earlier.
„Everything's fine.“, he returned curtly. Liam raised an eyebrow a little suspiciously and said:
„Ya really should have a drink.“
Without further ado, he pressed a Guinness into Severus' hand and toasted with him.
„Just try to loosen up a bit. I know you can do that.“, Liam said with a grin.
As the evening progressed, Severus did indeed loosen up, no doubt thanks to his increasing alcohol level. In between, he even chatted to a bloke called Finley, who had simply approached him. When he eventually staggered off in search of Liam, he discovered him sitting at the kitchen table with a few others. Curious, he watched as the Squib was drawing fine lines of white powder with his credit card. He then took out a ten pound note, rolled it up and pulled it through his nose, the others did the same.
Of course, Severus knew immediately what was going on and, as before, his curiosity was aroused. He wanted to know how the stuff worked, although he wasn't entirely sure what it was - he could imagine it was cocaine. When Liam saw Severus standing in the doorway and his eager gaze, he asked:
„Ya want some?“
Severus nodded immediately and settled down at the kitchen table as well.
„You know what this is?“
„Looks like cocaine.“, Severus said, shrugging his shoulders.
„It is. I'm assumin’ you've never taken anythin’ before?“
Another nod.
„Then perhaps we should start with a wee’er dose.“, Liam murmured and laid a line that was slightly narrower than the previous ones. Severus had immediately noticed that Liam was different than usual; his pupils were huge, his movements erratic and he was talking unusually fast.
„Have you got any cash with ya? That was my last note...“
Severus usually had cash with him, so he fished a fiver out of his wallet with trembling fingers, rolled it up and did the same thing Liam had done. The first thing he realised after snorting the line was that it ran bitterly down his throat, causing him to suppress a gag. When Liam saw his disgusted face, he began to laugh a little foolishly.

As the effects kicked in, Severus was flooded with an unprecedented feeling of euphoria. His drunken stupor was blown away, his senses were razor sharp and he felt as if he could tear out trees. His self-esteem had also soared to unimagined heights; the world was at his feet.
„Hey mate, ya gonna be alright?“, Liam asked a little worriedly when he saw the confused look in the black eyes.
„I... I've never been better!“, Severus groaned breathlessly, grinning ear to ear.
„They don't call it white gold for nothin’.“, Liam said, grinning back.
Severus spent the rest of the evening in a completely different way than he had originally imagined - he kept talking animatedly with some of the other guests. He didn't have to think about what he was saying, the words just tumbled out of his mouth. When they gathered in Liam's garden at midnight and Auld Lang Syne was sung, he was one of the loudest, with his arm around his best friend's massive shoulder.
A little later, Severus watched with interest as a very grey, somewhat whimsical-looking man crossed Liam's doorstep with a lump of coal, a bottle of whisky and a black bun. He had read about this tradition, the First Footing; the first person to enter a friend or neighbour's house after midnight and bring gifts was supposed to bring good luck for the New Year. The man in question was Ewan, a neighbour and close confidant of Liam who had known him since childhood. Ewan, who seemed quite curious, had obviously never seen the black-haired man before and approached him without further ado. Asked where he came from and how he knew Liam.
Although Severus still didn't think much of small talk, he had to admit that he had never met so many friendly and open people before. He wasn't sure whether this was due to the fact that he wasn't a social failure under the influence of the right substances, or whether it was because he had encountered a new culture; apparently it was nothing more than a prejudice that Scots and English people couldn't stand each other. Actually, it didn't really matter. For the first time in his life, Severus didn't feel like a freak, and one thing was certain - he wanted that feeling again.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Severus woke up in a cold sweat. Panicked and confused, he looked around, then let his head sink back into the pillow in relief. Those damn nightmares... it was the same almost every night. He pushed away the thought of the previous dream, swung his legs out of bed and blew a stray strand of hair out of his face. A glance at the alarm clock told him that it was only four in the morning. He hadn't slept more than three hours, he couldn't say for sure, but as always it had been too little. After a cold shower, he treated himself to an extra strong coffee, having lost all desire for breakfast. His already gloomy expression became even gloomier when he glanced at the calendar; today was his thirty-ninth birthday. It wasn't just the fact that he was getting ominously close to forty... Severus had always hated his birthday, because his father and his father's clan had always made sure that this day couldn't have been any worse. Severus snorted angrily, turned away from the wall calendar and sat down at the kitchen table. As he lit one cigarette after another and began to brood, the dream that had woken him from his sleep before came back to his mind.
The only way to get rid of his nightmares was to come to terms with what had happened during Voldemort's second reign of terror, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Much of what he had experienced lurked behind his Occlumency shields, too gruesome for him to deal with. Perhaps one day he would be able to, at present the memories were still far too fresh. Severus was well aware of what would happen if he continued to occlude at full speed. His mind would be damaged in the long run, and his shields would probably collapse under the strain at some point. He couldn't even begin to imagine what effect this would have on his psyche.
A quick glance at the kitchen clock finally snapped him out of his musings; he hadn't realised how long he had been sitting here. Severus stood up, grabbed his car keys, slipped into his trainers and made his way outside. He couldn't suppress a shiver as an icy cold wind blew around his ears. Disgruntled, he set about scratching a peephole in his windscreen, then wearily slumped into the driver's seat and drove off, only to get stuck in an endless queue of cars about ten minutes later, cursing under his breath. Some idiot had probably caused another accident, as Severus could see from the emergency vehicles passing him. He wasn't surprised, accidents were not uncommon on this stretch of road. Now he could only hope that he would arrive on time.Two minutes before work started, he entered the parcel centre, panting and preparing himself for another stressful day. One of the few bright spots at work was Liam, who often made him laugh with his very dark sense of humour and generally spread a cheerful mood. Severus knew that Liam didn't particularly like his job either, but he never let this spoil his mood. The sun literally shone out of his arse every day.
„You look pretty worn out. Ya all right?“, the Squib asked straight-faced as usual as they smoked a cigarette together before setting off on their tour. Severus knew that one could clearly see that something was wrong with him. He had actually become completely accustomed to life as a Muggle by now, but he had been finding it increasingly difficult to function for a few weeks now. One of the reasons for this were the nightmares, which were becoming more and more intense and robbed him of the sleep he needed almost every night. Other factors were a generally unhealthy lifestyle, especially in terms of his driking habit at the weekends, as well as the physically hard work, which, contrary to what Liam had told him, had never become easier, not even through incresed training, but due to his exhaustion he wouldn’t make it to the gym on most of the days either. As usual, however, he suppressed his physical and mental state and kept telling himself that he was only in his late thirties and had had to work under far worse conditions in his time as a spy.
„I'm not sleeping very well at the moment, that's all.“, Severus said curtly, avoiding any eye contact with his friend, who looked somewhat sceptically at the dark circles under his eyes, which stood out clearly from his pale face. Liam didn't ask any further questions, realising that Severus obviously didn't want to talk about it. Instead, he cleared his throat and began:
„Before I forget…“Liam's hand went into his shoulder bag and when Severus saw what the older man had pulled out, he instantly blushed.„Happy birthday, Sev.“, Liam said with a grin and pressed a gift wrapped in black paper into his hand, and Severus knew immediately that it was a book. Liam had actually asked him about his date of birth a while ago, but he wouldn’t have thought that the redhead would remember it…„I…“
Severus didn't know what to say. It had been ages since anyone had given him a birthday present.
„Thank you, Liam.“, he finally mumbled a little tentatively.
„You’re welcome.“„I... will unwrap it later at my leisure.“, Severus said barely audibly, blushing again.
„Whenever ya like.“, Liam said with a grin, stubbed out his cigarette and walked back to his work place, whistling. Severus couldn't help but grin as well. As much as he hated being given presents, the fact that it came from Liam made it a lot more bearable.
...„I'm nae sure I really ordered this…“, said the crotchety Mrs Henderson from Summer Street as Severus stood in front of her with a COD. The old lady seemed to have forgotten, once again, that she'd done some serious teleshopping.„How much are ye gettin’, young man?“, she asked slowly at one point, visibly confused.„Twenty-three pounds.“, Severus said somewhat impatiently, knowing that she would either pay in coins or realise after a never-ending search that she had no cash in the house at all. The latter was the case, and after ten agonising minutes, he had no choice but to take the parcel back. Angrily, he kicked it into the hold and continued on his way.
„Where the hell is my parcel? I've been waiting for it for a week now. A week!“, snarled Mr Townsend, an obnoxious Englishman who lived in a rather posh neighbourhood. He had intercepted Severus after he had delivered a parcel to his neighbour.
„Sir, I already told you yesterday that I'm just the parcel carrier. If you want to know anything about the whereabouts of your parcel, you'll have to contact the company directly.“, Severus said, trying to sound as gentle as possible, as Mr Townsend was known to go ballistic at the slightest thing.
„If my parcel won’t arrive by tomorrow, I’ll file a complaint.“, the prick spat and stomped off in a huff.
„Bloody bastard.“, Severus muttered, giving Mr Townsend the finger as he turned his back on him. Shortly after he got back in his van, it began to rain cats and dogs, and it didn't look like the rain was going to let up any time soon. This was the third time this week, and if Severus had his way, Aberdeen didn’t deserve the title of sunniest city of Scotland at all… Suddenly his eyes fell on Liam's present, which had been lying untouched on his passenger seat for several hours now. Now might be a good time to unwrap it - he couldn't get out at the moment anyway.
Severus smiled as he held a copy of Stephen King's Sara in his hands. He had once told Liam some time ago that Stephen King was his favourite author - something he had obviously remembered. Carefully, he slipped the book back into the paper and placed it back on the passenger seat. His eyes rested on it for a moment, then he decided to venture outside again; of course he couldn't hide in his van forever.
Barely two minutes later, he was completely soaked and chilled to the bone. It could hardly get any worse, he thought. Around five o'clock in the afternoon, he finished his tour and made his way back to the parcel centre, but shortly afterwards found himself completely exasperated behind a driver who was stalling their car at almost every traffic light, and the red wave was absolutely merciless. What was enough was enough. The ball of his hand shot purposefully towards the horn when the light turned green and the car in front of him turned off for the fourth time.
„Get a move on, arsehole!“, Severus shouted and was only a hair's breadth away from completely freaking out. Although driving had become a real passion for him, he had to agree with McGonagall - this form of transport was anything but uncomplicated and the city traffic was slowly but surely draining him of the last bit of patience he had left.
„Got a wee bit wet, eh?“, Liam asked, laughing, shortly after Severus had returned to the parcel centre. Strands of wet hair stuck to his face, and they were probably not the only thing on his body that was completely soaked. Ignoring Liam's comment, he sullenly began to drag a few heavy returns out of the van, but he was already panting after the second parcel.„C’mon, I'll help ya.“, Liam offered, to which Severus nodded gratefully. In general, he was very reluctant to be helped, but he simply had no strength left.„Didn't you bring any rain gear?“, Liam wanted to know as he took the last parcel out of the van and put it on a wheelie bin.„As if you didn't know that our rainwear is the last piece of junk.“, Severus hissed sourly, whereupon Liam laughed again.„Well, I’ll give ya that.“...„You like it?“, Liam asked over their after-work cigarette, pointing at the still half wrapped up book in Severus' hand.„What?“
Questioningly, Severus looked at Liam, then remembered. He hadn't even thought about that.„Oh, yes. Very much so. Thank you again. I can't wait to read it.“, he said quietly.„I didn't know if ya might already have it.“
„No, I actually didn't have this one yet.“, Severus said with a smirk, which was returned immediately.„So, do you have anythin’ planned for tonight?“, Liam wanted to know.„Why would I have anything planned for tonight?“, Severus spat, his tone suddenly unusually snide.„It's just another day for me.“
Liam's look was sad. He wondered what must have happened to make Severus hate his birthday so much, because it was more than obvious that he hated it.„C’mon, mate. You only turn thirty-nine once.“, he finally laughed. Severus thought for a moment. He would have preferred to simply enjoy the cosy solitude of his four walls, but Liam's sheer presence gave his mood a real boost.„It's a weekday, Liam, and we both have to work tomorrow.“, he said sceptically, but Liam replied nonchalantly:„Well, we just don't have to overdo it.“Severus knew only too well that there was a real chance that they would overdo it, but somehow at that moment he didn't care at all.„Maybe... we could have a drink at my place.“, he finally suggested, before Liam could possibly get the idea of going to The Den; he couldn't stand the pub anymore.
„Sounds good.“, Liam agreed.
„Does seven o'clock suit you?“, Severus asked, to which Liam only nodded.„Sure.“...„Hi.“, Severus greeted the redhead about an hour later when he arrived at his door shortly after seven.„Hey, Sev. I've brought some booze.“, Liam grinned and raised a bottle of Talikser, knowing full well that this was Severus' favourite whisky.
The latter raised an eyebrow and shook his head, but he was grinning as well, knowing that the coming day would be surely horrible. The previous shower had worked wonders, at least his limbs no longer ached so much and he had the feeling that his energy had at least partially returned. He purposefully fetched two glasses from his cabinet, poured them both with Whisky and pressed the glass into Liam's hand.
„Cheers.“, he said with a twitch of his lips and clinked glasses with his friend. As usual, they quickly struck up a conversation and Liam talked a little about his moonlighting; every now and then he earned a few pennies by doing painting work. He complained that he had to drive all the way up to Elgin the weekend after next to wallpaper a multi-storey building complex.
„If I hadn't been offered so damn much money for it, I would never have thought of takin’ on such a dirty job... Paintin’ is fine, but wallpaperin’ is absolute hell…“
Before Liam could grumble any more, the doorbell rang.
„Are you expectin’ someone else?“
„Not that I know of…“, muttered Severus, frowning and rising to his feet. To his surprise, the guest was Minerva, as they weren't supposed to meet until next weekend.„Minerva. What gives me the honour?“, he asked politely, although he already knew the answer.„Happy birthday, Severus.“, she said with a grin and handed him a long, rectangular box. Of course, she hadn't forgotten his birthday either. Curious, he opened it a little and saw that it was a rather fine bottle of elf-made wine. As much as he loathed the magical world, he had sorely missed the taste of elf-made wine, so he finally cleared his throat and said:
„Thank you very much.“
„You're very welcome. I see you have a visitor?“, she asked, still smiling, pointing to the poison green Mustang in his driveway.
„Erm... yes.“
„Is it inappropriate right now?“
Severus wondered what to say. It would certainly be strange to introduce Minerva and Liam to each other, but he didn't want to stand her up again, especially since she had remembered his birthday and had even given him a present.„No, come in.“, he murmured, as she was still standing between the door and the hinge. He cleared his throat again as they entered the living room and said:„Minerva, may I introduce you to my best friend Liam?“
The giant looked at the old witch in astonishment for a moment, then laughed and replied:
„I know Minerva. Quite well, actually.“
The headmistress smiled, took a step towards Liam and said:
„I knew this car looks familiar.“
Liam returned the smile and gave McGonagall a hug.„It's good to see you, Liam.“
„The pleasure is all mine.“
Severus watched as the two broke away from each other, while he was fairly astonished.„How do you know each other?“, he asked, visibly confused.
„My mother and Minerva have been friends since school.“
„How come you never told me you knew Minerva?“, Severus blurted out somewhat reproachfully. Liam merely shrugged his shoulders.„I dunno…“, he mumbled. An awkward silence spread across the living room as Severus cleared his throat a third time and said:„Perhaps we should sit down first... what may I offer you, Minerva?“
„Whisky, please.“, Minerva replied and took a seat next to Liam while Severus fetched another glass from his cabinet. After they had clinked glasses, Minerva wanted to know:„How long have you two known each other?“
„Since I started working at DHL.“
Minerva smiled once again and said:„I've been thinking something like that since you stood me up a few months ago.“
There was nothing accusatory in her voice.„Since you both have a connection to the magical world, it was all too conceivable that your work colleague could be Liam.“
Now Severus realised why she had reacted so strangely at the time and hadn't given him a lecture after he had more or less thrown her out....Hours later, the three of them were still talking animatedly as they slowly but surely got louder and louder.
„Ya remember how I nearly ran you over a few years ago?“, Liam boomed and began to laugh. Minerva grimaced, her face now red, and made a feigned indignant sound, and Severus couldn't remember ever seeing her so drunk.
„How could I forget?“
She, too, suddenly began to laugh unusually loudly, while Severus looked at the two of them questioningly in turn.
„Shortly after I got my drivin’ licence, I got quite carried away one night and had to drive home drunk. Minerva was just crossin’ the road in her Animagus form when I tried to turn into my driveway a wee bit fast…“
„I'm really glad you're not quite so wild anymore.“, Minerva said with a smile and something loving in her voice.„Those were the days…“, Liam murmured, obviously more to himself. Now Severus was smiling as well, as he watched Liam put his massive arm around Minerva's shoulder. Somehow, he was pleased that the only two people he cared about were so close.
Admittedly, Severus found the evening quite pleasant, because these were the very people who were spending his birthday with him. People he really liked. A complete contrast to all the horrible birthdays he had had to experience as a child. Perhaps from now on there was no longer any reason to hate the day he was born with all his might.
…Over the next weeks, Severus felt that his Occlumency shields were slowly losing their stability. No wonder, after all, he had been occluding almost non-stop for months. He should have been looking for an opportunity to lower his shields and allow some of the less bad memories to surface, but none had presented themselves. His job was stretching him more than ever, and most days he went straight to bed as soon as he got home, but sleep was hard to come by. By now he was battling violent nightmares every night without exception, as he had no control over his mind while he slept. As sleeping pills of any kind had no effect on him, he could do absolutely nothing against his nocturnal demons.The lack of sleep meant that he became increasingly aggressive and agitated. This didn't escape Minerva's notice when she came round one Thursday evening in mid-March for the first time in three weeks.„I don't like you at all... you're just a nervous wreck.“, she remarked, observing his frantic movements as he fetched whisky and glasses from his cabinet. She had rarely seen him so tense since she had known him.
„I'm fine, Minerva. My job is keeping me very busy at the moment, that's all.“, Severus said, giving her a disapproving look; by now, he was fed up with her grumbling at him in some way every time she came in.
„I'm perfectly capable of distinguishing between professional and personal stress.“
McGonagall paused and sighed.„Every time I visit you, I see you using Occlumency. I recognise that look in your eyes and believe that you have never really come to terms with your past. On the one hand, it is understandable that you shield your memories, thoughts and feelings, after all, this was essential for the resistance for a long time, but on the other hand, I believe that you are doing great damage to your psyche, Severus. You are no longer forced to deceive anyone. I believe that you would be doing yourself a great favour if you finally began to come to terms with what you have had to endure over the last few years.“
Now it was Severus' turn to sigh. The witch knew exactly what was going on without him ever having said a word to her about it. She could rely on her intuition. What she didn't know, however, was how cruel his past really was. No one knew but him.
„Minerva…“, he began.
„I realise that you care about me and want to help me, but you can't. No one can. It's... too complex. I really appreciate that you have my best interests at heart, but I'm tired of talking about any problems that affect my personal life. You are welcome to visit me, but if you continue to come here just to play shrink for me, I would prefer you stay at Hogwarts instead.“, he said coldly. He hadn't actually meant to say it like that. He knew that he was probably hurting McGonagall, but she should finally stop worrying - especially not because of him.
Minerva's eyes spit fire. The witch drained her glass in one go, set it down noisily on the table and stood up. As she headed for the front door, she turned round once more and hissed:
„You really are a stubborn goat! The last word hasn't been spoken yet.“
„I think so.“, scoffed Severus. The door slammed roughly into the lock and Minerva was gone. He sighed and rubbed his face. They had actually got on pretty well for a while since his birthday, but Minerva just couldn't stop meddling in his affairs and he currently lacked the patience to deal with it. He knew she would be back, at which point another long sigh escaped him....As Severus smoked his after-work cigarette with Liam on Friday afternoon, they were busy making plans for the weekend. The Squib hadn't had time for the last three weekends, as he had been busy with wallpapering once again.
„What do ya say we go to Genesis tomorrow? It's been a while.“, the older man suggested.
Genesis was a rather popular nightclub that had opened in the city centre at the beginning of February, and Liam and Severus had spent almost every weekend there since then. Neither the Slytherin nor Liam were really into electronic music, but the location was quite appealing overall, the clientele that frequented it a lot younger than that of the pub, and after the two men had spent several extremely amusing evenings in a row inside the nightclub, they had finally been convinced. Possibly because the people who visited were anything but averse to the use of various illegal substances and, in Liam's case at least, they were always meeting interesting members of the opposite sex.
„I'm definitely in.“, Severus said, after all the stress of the last few weeks, he was in dire need of a little debauchery. Liam nodded approvingly as his gaze once again fell on the dark circles under the eyes of his friend. He had known for a long time that Severus was suffering from severe insomnia, although he didn't know the reason for it for sure. Of course, he could imagine that it had something to do with the wizard's past, but he didn't want to enquire further for fear of hitting a sore spot.
„Has your insomnia still not improved?“, he asked cautiously.
„No.“, came back a little bitterly.
Liam chewed on his lower lip and thought about what he should say.
„Maybe the weekend will come in handy and ya can switch off a wee bit, I'm sure that would do ya good.“, he finally said.
Liam was certainly right and Severus was already looking forward to finally being able to switch off and forget his constant stress for at least one evening.
He used his Saturday off to clean the house, go to the gym and do some paperwork. Liam came round in the afternoon and, as there was still some time, they had a Guinness or two and chatted, albeit in a rather one-sided way. The redhead talked about his moonlighting and how much he had hated it.As evening fell, the two of them took a taxi to a seedy Aberdeen suburb to pay a visit to Connor - their dealer. Connor was in his early thirties and mainly dealt cocaine, occasionally acid and ecstasy. He was a friendly, but pretty messed-up bloke who probably used a lot of his goods himself. Of course, the line Severus had snorted on New Year's Eve hadn't been the last. He had definitely taken a liking to the drug and, in his opinion, there was nothing wrong with using every now and then at the weekends. It was no different to drinking in company either, he reckoned. After he and Liam had put down a considerable sum, they continued towards the city centre.Shortly afterwards, they entered the nightclub, headed for the toilets and each disappeared into their own cubicle; a little later, they found themselves in the company of some acquaintances with whom they had a lively chat. Severus enjoyed the effects of the drug to the full, especially the intense mood high and the fact that social interactions were far easier for him than when he was sober. Another advantage of the drug - as he found out over time - was that it had a positive effect on his Occlumency and he no longer had to consciously occlude. He found it quite liberating to be able to escape reality for at least one evening without being exposed to stress or mental chaos. When the high slowly wore off again, they finally disappeared back to the club toilets. Severus left a third time after an hour, not realising how Liam was looking after him somewhat suspiciously. When he came back, there were beads of sweat on his forehead and he looked even paler than usual. Liam took him aside for a moment.„Is everythin’ okay?“, he asked, a little worried.
„Yeah, why do you ask?“
Severus had a strange grin on his face, his expression was kind of confused and his statement wasn't entirely true. He was sweating, dizzy and his heart was racing. Perhaps he shouldn't have added more, as it had been a few weeks since the last time and his body seemed a little overwhelmed with this amount. He decided to ignore the reaction and just concentrate on the positive aspects of his high.As enjoyable as the evening had been, the morning after was horrible. Severus woke up with a tremendous headache and couldn't remember when or how they had got home. A consequence of the mixed use with alcohol, he hadn't realised. Was he even in his home? His blurred gaze wandered around the room he was in for a moment. To all appearances, he was indeed at home. Slowly, he sat up and tried to get out of bed, but immediately regretted it - headaches and dizziness almost threw him back onto the mattress. An agonised groan escaped him. Merlin, why had he become so excessive and given himself such a hard time? Another attempt. This time he was at least able to keep himself halfway on his feet and his path led him to the kitchen, where he first made some coffee and searched for a headache pill. Loaded with two coffee cups, he more or less staggered into the living room and set them down noisily on the stone table.
„Not so loud, for fuck’s sake!“, Liam hissed angrily and grabbed his temple demonstratively. He was obviously no better off than his best friend.
„Rise and shine.“ Severus snarled. After he had also brought Liam an aspirin and their headaches were slowly subsiding, they turned their attention to their coffee.
„How did we get home last night?“, Severus asked quietly.
„I guess, like always. By taxi, I think... to be honest, I don't remember.“
Liam couldn't help but grin.
„What a night... Maybe next time we'll take it a little slower. Somehow I think I'm gettin’ too auld for this shite.“
The grin widened.
„I should go home and have another nap, otherwise I won't get anythin’ done tomorrow. Unfortunately, your couch is anythin’ but comfy, I realise that every time.“
„Can you even drive yet?“, the black-haired man asked, his eyebrow rising.
„Aye, I can always drive. Whether I'm allowed to is another matter.“

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Severus finally got off to a bumpy start to the new week. On Monday morning, a team meeting had taken place at short notice in which it was announced that some of the districts were to be enlarged. As luck would have it, his district was also affected by the expansion and he was to receive around ten new households. He gave a barely perceptible groan when he was told this, because although it didn't sound like much, he realised that it meant at least an hour's extra work. By the end of the week he was completely through, it had been difficult to function anyway, but the expansion of his district more or less dealt him a death blow. It would probably have been easier for him if his nightmares hadn't prevented him from getting enough sleep every night.
When Liam told him that they couldn't spend the weekend at Genesis because he had been given another assignment in Elgin, Severus' mood had plummeted completely, so he had no choice but to have a nice weekend on his own. Since he hadn't managed to go jogging or to the gym all week, he wanted to make up for it now; he threw on his sports gear, pulled the front door shut behind him a little later and set off running.
Spring was now just around the corner, the air was pleasantly warm and the setting sun revealed a colourful sky. The cool sea breeze blew in Severus' face as he jogged along the cliffs and once again he realised how much running relaxed him and how much it helped him switching off. Sweaty and exhausted, but at the same time much more relaxed and in a surprisingly good mood, he arrived back home an hour later. Unfortunately, his relaxed state didn't last long and his nightmares kept him on his toes that night as usual.
Exhausted, Severus devoted himself the next day to all the things he hadn't managed to do during the week. He went shopping, took care of the household and his countless plants and did some sport. Late in the afternoon, when he went to do the laundry and emptied his jeans pockets, a small bag of white powder and a pocket mirror fell out of one of them. He had forgotten all about it... Severus thought for a moment. Should he? There was really no reason why he shouldn't, and he felt that he had earned this compensation. Once everything was done, he allowed himself a line. Although he had already been to the gym today, Severus decided to go for another run. Once again, it was pouring with rain, but he didn't mind. He didn't feel like resting, he had to get some exercise.
Excited, euphoric and full of zest for action, he pushed himself to the brink of exhaustion, but never quite reached it. He had never used any drug like this before, this kind of power was completely new to him - he definitely enjoyed it. Finally, Severus returned home completely soaked, took a shower, then drank two glasses of whisky and went to bed. He slept through the night without any nightmares and started the next morning feeling refreshed and balanced. It could always be like this, Severus thought. On Monday, however, the chaos and stress started all over again as usual. He was forced to spend this weekend alone again, so he did the same things he had done the weekend before - shopping, housework and sport.
Severus actually wanted to use his Sunday evening jog to clear his mind, but as so often recently, he didn't really succeeded. He had now reached a point where his Occlumency was barely helping. Drenched in sweat, he entered his house about an hour later and headed straight for the bathroom to take a shower. As the warm water ran over him, his eyes found something that still disgusted him after all this time; tensely, he scrutinised the faded mark on his left forearm and traced the raised lines with his index finger as if in a trance. All sorts of gruesome scenes sprouted in his mind, which he tried to suppress as usual, but this time it was too much; one of the memories literally threw itself against his shields with such force that Severus feared they would collapse at any moment. He had no choice but to lower his shields a little and allow the memory to surface in his mind.
...
Bleeding and crumpled, Severus lay at the Dark Lord's feet. He knew that the blows had only been the beginning, and it was difficult to hide the fear he felt at that moment. Voldemort was unhappy with the information he had received from his servant, the lord was currently in an extremely bad mood anyway due to the botched battle in the Ministry Department, which he made his subordinates feel at every opportunity with merciless harshness. Another magical lash, and Severus felt another piece of skin burst open on his back. Another lash. And another. The Slytherin didn't make a sound, even though he feared he would faint at any moment.

„You will not disappoint Lord Voldemort again.“, the snake-face hissed coldly and raised his wand. „Crucio!“

Like hot lava, the pain ate through Severus' veins and he had to summon all his strength not to scream, he didn't want to grant the lord this triumph. The pain subsided, but shortly afterwards the Cruciatus hit him again, even more intensely than the previous one, but Severus still made no sound. Unbridled rage showed on Voldemort's inhuman face and he unceremoniously kicked his spy in the head. It was not often that Voldemort used physical violence, as he believed that this primitive form of violence was reserved exclusively for Muggles. Panic and fear of death came over Severus instinctively; he was sure he would die this time. His injuries were serious enough to succumb to if they were not treated soon, but the Dark Lord would probably torture him slowly and agonisingly to death. Unconsciously, his eyes fell on the jet-black mark that stared back at him mercilessly, and once again he cursed himself for having become Dumbledore's spy. If only he had killed himself after Lily's death, he would have been spared all of this. During the first reign of terror, it hadn't been anywhere near as bad as it was now. Voldemort finally sent all his hatred into the next curse, and Severus could no longer fight it and screamed at the top of his lungs, his muscles spasming, bones breaking. Only after he had almost completely lost consciousness did the lord let go of him.

...
Severus was trembling all over and buried his fingers in his hair. Hot tears poured from his eyes, quiet sobs shook his slender body as panic spread through him. He began to hyperventilate, his heart almost skipped a beat, his chest was suddenly constricted and he felt as if he would suffocate at any moment. Severus wrapped his arms around his legs, strained to concentrate on his breathing and began to breathe deeply into his stomach. With each breath, he became a little more relaxed and once the panic attack had passed, he stepped out of the shower, his legs trembling. His heart had not yet fully calmed down, but the worst seemed to be over. He hadn't had a panic attack this severe for a long time. Without drying off or getting dressed, he staggered dazedly into his bedroom and flopped onto the bed. This scene had often occurred in his nightmares, but what he had just experienced had been something completely different. It had felt so real, as if he had experienced it again first hand. He had felt the kicks and lashes, the resulting pain, the cold floor, the cramping of his muscles and breaking of bones. Severus had literally been trapped in that memory.
He remembered watching a documentary about mental illness a while back, and if he wasn't mistaken, he had just experienced something pretty close to a flashback. Soldiers who had fought in wars had reported reliving traumatic experiences to such an extent that they had believed themselves to be back in the midst of the action. Severus didn't want to dwell on the fact that his traumas were probably far worse than he could admit, so he got dressed and decided without further ado to drown the memory in alcohol - a coping strategy he would use more often in the future.
...
Monday went slowly, the flashback was deep in Severus' bones and he seemed even more agitated and aggressive than in the weeks before, at least according to Liam; frowning, he watched as Severus kicked a parcel into his van and let out a scream after it fell out again and landed on his foot. Some of the other colleagues had also heard the scream and craned their necks curiously in search of the culprit. Normally, Liam would have asked Severus what was going on, but the younger man didn't seem particularly receptive to such things today, let alone wanting to talk about anything. In the end, he decided to just leave Severus alone, but not without keeping an eye on him, if he could.

The rest of the week was hard. As usual, the leaden tiredness had Severus firmly in its grip, but at least there were no more flashbacks. By Wednesday, he was already looking forward to the weekend, as he and Liam would finally be spending Saturday evening at Genesis again after a two-week break. He could hardly describe how much he was looking forward to having a nose again; how much he was longing for a little euphoria and energy, so he barely managed to restrain himself that evening and when Liam had seen enough, he took Severus aside for a moment and snarled:
„Man, just look at ya...“
„What do you mean by that?“, Severus asked sourly, rolling his eyes.
„You're sweatin’ like crazy. How much did ya actually take?“
„I don't know what business it is of yours.“, Severus spat arrogantly, giving Liam a disparaging look and finally leaving him behind to order a gin tonic at the bar and mingle with the crowd.
Worriedly, Liam looked after him and an uneasy feeling spread through him. He didn't like the way Severus was behaving, as it was completely out of character. It slowly dawned on him that it hadn't been a good idea to bring the wizard into contact with the drug. Liam knew that some people were prone to addiction, especially if they were shy and reserved by nature, but he hadn't thought about that at his Hogmanay party, probably because he had been anything but sober himself at the time. On top of that, Severus was probably predestined to develop an addiction problem thanks to his troubled past, because Liam knew how quickly you could fall into something like that.
Fuck, what have I done?, he thought guiltily. Liam could only hope that Severus' behaviour was an exception and... he wouldn't get stuck on the drug.
...
Severus woke up the next afternoon, exhausted, and once again he realised that he had exaggerated. As he sat up, reached for the water bottle next to him and greedily drank a few large gulps, he was immediately overcome with nausea. Frantically, he jumped up, rushed to the bathroom and vomited, and when all he could do was dry retch, he turned away from the loo and leant his back against the cold wall tiles. His head was about to explode when there was a knock on the door.
„Everythin’ okay with ya in there?“, he heard Liam ask cautiously.
„Yeah, I'm fine.“, Severus croaked. He remained in this position for a moment, then slowly dared to get up. Staggering, he walked back to Liam's guest room, while he had to hold on to the wall in between to keep his balance. Exhausted, he finally dropped onto the bed.
„Hey. I've made coffee, would ya like some?“
Liam stood in the doorway and watched as Severus put his hand over his mouth.
„Obviously not.“, he realised.
„Must’ve been a wee bit much last night, eh?“

„It looks like it.“, Severus spat and straightened up again. The headache was unbearable, but he tried not to let it show. Liam sat down on the bed as well.
„Ya have to be careful with that stuff or you'll get stuck on it. I've seen it happen several times.“
„There's nothing wrong with having a bit of fun now and again. Besides, you said yourself that you've been doing cocaine since your late teens.“, Severus grumbled. Liam sighed and said:
„Aye. I've been doin’ coke from time to time since my late teens, but I've never got hooked on it. You've only been takin’ it for a few months and you're already startin’ to lose control. There are people who are predestined to develop a problem with certain drugs, and you're well on your way there. I know how it starts.“
Severus let out an indignant sound and began to get dressed.
„You're out of your mind.“, he snapped as he strained to get into his jeans.
„Mate...“, Liam began.
„I'm just worried about ya. Your use yesterday was pretty excessive, at least for my likin’. I just want you to take care of yourself and not lose control over your use.“
It went against the former potions master's grain that Liam was also starting to worry frequently about him. Of course, he knew that the redhead only meant well for him, just like Minerva, but he thought it was completely exaggerated that Liam was in some way making a problem out of him when he just wanted to have some fun. As glad as he was that he had Liam, at that moment the older man was just getting on his nerves. Due to his still throbbing headache and unbearable nausea, he simply told Liam what he wanted to hear; he didn't have the energy for any kind of discussion.
„Please don't worry about me. I'll take care of myself and limit my use in future.“
As much as Liam wanted to believe his friend, he couldn't. It was too obvious that Severus was developing a serious problem. The insomnia, his increased cocaine use, the aggression... all of it indicated that something was very wrong, and Liam, who was able to draw the right connections, was by now certain of one thing: Severus must be suffering enormously from his past, and there was little he could do; the last thing he wanted to do was poke around in old wounds.
...
Weeks later, Severus was crawling on his gums. The combination of extra work, lack of sleep, flashbacks and constant occluding was just too much of a good thing. In the meantime, he had started to use more and more during the week, mostly in the evenings, so that he still had energy after work. On the weekends, which he mostly spent with Liam back at Genesis, he reluctantly restricted himself so that his friend wouldn't play the moraliser again. At a certain point, however, he began to take cocaine during work as well, as his usual lack of sleep made it impossible for him to perform to the required standard.
Severus knew that what he was doing was anything but good, so he repeatedly had to deal with crash phases. Conditions that could creep in mercilessly after the mood high, causing the user to feel unusually tired, depressed and exhausted. However, the increased use was not meant to be permanent; in just over a week he would finally be on holiday and hoped that two weeks of rest would be enough to recharge his batteries. Severus urgently needed to take a break, as the drug was now taking its toll on his body; he was increasingly suffering from dizziness and shortness of breath, he was getting nosebleeds more and more often and his weight was decreasing noticeably because he was no longer feeling hungry. Liam, of course, had immediately realised that something was going on with Severus and he knew exactly what the problem was.
„Listen mate...“, he began as they smoked a cigarette together in the car park after work.

„You should really start cuttin’ down. I know you've been doin’ coke a lot lately, after all, I'm not stupid. It's obvious that you're on it... if you're not careful, you'll slip into an addiction, but I already told ya that a few weeks ago...“
Of course, Severus knew that Liam was right, but he couldn't help it. At least until he was finally on holiday. Due to his acute intoxication, he reacted remarkably aggressively to the well- intentioned words.
„As I already told you - it’s none of your fucking business.“, he hissed arrogantly, causing Liam to roll his eyes.
„For fuck’s sake Sev, please be reasonable. That stuff isn't good for ya.“
„I don't need a minder, Liam. You may not have noticed, but I'm a grown man and I don't see any reason why you should have to babysit me all the time.“, Severus snapped, stubbing out his cigarette and walking towards his car. Liam let out an annoyed noise.
„You're gettin’ yourself into somethin’... I've seen several times what cocaine can do to some people and you're well on your way to flushin’ your life down the toilet.“, he shouted sourly after Severus and also headed towards his Mustang.
Just as he was about to drive off, Liam felt his chest tighten. There it was again - the guilt. Which he wouldn't have to feel if he hadn't been responsible for Severus coming into contact with the drug in the first place. Somehow he had to help his friend, his intuition told him that the wizard was deeper in his addiction than he was letting on. But how was he supposed to do that?
Severus was a difficult person. Difficult to see through, difficult to understand. Stubborn, unruly and sometimes resistant to counselling. Liam couldn't blame him for that, as he believed that Severus simply wasn't used to people caring about him. He gave the impression that he had always had to cope alone in his life, which was probably why he found it difficult to accept help. To communicate that he obviously had problems at the moment. Liam, on the other hand, came from an environment in which feelings, problems and worries had been talked about openly - his parents had always had an open ear for him and supported him unconditionally in every situation. Severus had probably never experienced this kind of support. Liam let out a long sigh as he realised once again that there was little he could do. In a way, he was powerless; after all, he could neither force Severus to rethink his use nor to open up.
...
On Friday evening, Severus took a line as usual, and when the high set in, he changed his clothes and went for a run. After returning exhausted and having showered, he indulged in another nose when suddenly the doorbell rang. Frantically, he removed his bag of coke and the equipment from the living room table and hurried to the door. When he saw who was standing on his doorstep, he could hardly hide the annoyed look on his face. What was she doing here? She hadn't shown her face for over a month and now she was smiling cheekily at him, seemingly ignoring the fact that he didn't seem at all thrilled to see her.
„Hello, Severus.“, Minerva said in her usual friendly manner.
„Minerva. What gives me the honour?“
„I... well, I wanted to see how you were doing.“
Severus cleared his throat, not knowing what to say. He was highly uncomfortable being drugged up at this moment.
„Erm... why don't you come in?“, he finally mumbled. „Whisky?“

Minerva nodded, and as soon as she had taken the first sip, she asked:
„Well? How are you?“
„Fine.“, Severus said curtly without looking at her and lit a cigarette. The headmistress knew that this statement was not entirely true.
„I don't believe you. I can see that's not the case.“, she said sternly, alluding to the circles under his eyes and his tired look.
„Besides, you really should stop smoking, it's not healthy at all.“, she added, wrinkling her nose. Now Severus looked up, so here we go again.
„What exactly do you want from me, Minerva? Do you want me to pour my heart out to you and tell you how bad I am and how terrible my life is? You've come to the wrong place.“, he snarled.
By now, Severus was just fed up, she had been getting on his nerves for some time now and he was finding it increasingly difficult to control himself in her presence. Her motherly side was slowly taking on a form that he didn't like at all, not to mention the fact that she came round after months and immediately started playing shrink to him again.
„Your soul is suffering, you know that as well as I do, Severus. I certainly don't know all aspects of your new life, but I have the feeling that this life is not good for you and that you are not taking sufficient care of yourself.“, she said seriously.
„I don't know why you keep going on about my soul. There's nothing I'm suffering from, even if you'd like to believe that.“, Severus spat and gave his former colleague a disparaging look.
„I beg you again not to keep bringing up this tiresome subject. I'm bloody sick of it, do you hear me?“
Severus had almost shouted the last sentence, his face taking on almost inhuman features. McGonagall stared at the Slytherin in disbelief, and when he realised that he had overshot the mark, he said somewhat meekly:
„I'm... sorry, Minerva...“
McGonagall scrutinised her problem child for a moment. Beads of sweat stood out on his forehead and his gaze was unusually confused. She stared at the pale face for a moment, then shook her head sadly and stood up.
„I give up. If you don't want to be helped, I have to accept that.“, she said snappishly, resignation reflected on her face.
„I can only hope that all this won't come to a bad end one day.“, the witch muttered quietly and disappeared without saying goodbye.
For a brief moment, Severus was overcome by a guilty conscience. Apart from Liam, she was the only person who was really interested in him, but he had never asked for her help, and he didn't think it was particularly fair to feel bad about someone who was constantly interfering in his life without being asked. As usual, the unwanted emotions were occluded and the narrow face became an expressionless mask, the black eyes cold and empty.
...
Shortly after Minerva returned to the Headmaster's office, she reported what she had seen to Dumbledore's portrait - she still valued her former colleague and friend's opinion highly, even after all these years.
„Maybe he's taking something.“, the old wizard said immediately.

„What do you mean by that?“
„I mean that our dear Severus may have been under the influence of stimulants. In my career as a teacher and headmaster, I was unfortunate enough to make the acquaintance of students who were under the influence as well. Not to mention that Severus had already developed a drug problem after the beginning of the second reign of terror. Unfortunately, he’s quite prone to it.“
Albus' look was sad.
„I wouldn't be surprised, given what the poor boy has been through.“
Minerva could well remember the times when Severus had been drugged up, mostly before and after meetings with Voldemort, and suddenly it all made sense; the beads of sweat on his forehead, the confused look...
„Merlin, if that is true... how should I proceed now, Albus? How can I be sure that he really has another drug problem?“, Minerva asked anxiously.
„Keep an eye on him, but don't talk to him about it, it won't help him, because how I know Severus, he'll always deny that he has a problem. That's all you can do for him.“, said Albus sadly.
...
The following Saturday evening, Severus was on his way to Cults to celebrate Liam's forty-first birthday. Knowing the Squib's friends and acquaintances well by now, there was nothing to make him uncomfortable anymore. It was fair to say by now that he liked Liam's circle of friends, and the feeling was definitely mutual.
Naturally, he had stopped by his dealer on the way and stocked up accordingly. If Liam's house was anywhere near as full as it was on New Year's Eve, the latter wouldn't notice his use anyway. The less he noticed, the better... Liam had been very pleased with his present - a strictly limited edition Anthrax hoodie. Severus had spent quite a lot of money on it, but making his best friend happy had been worth every penny. Especially after he had behaved like a dick towards Liam while he was on coke a few days earlier. Something he was fairly ashamed of in hindsight, but he was glad that Liam didn't seem to hold a grudge.
...
As usual, Severus was one of the few who had stayed overnight, and while he woke up in Liam's guest room, plagued by nausea and headaches, he glanced at his watch and realised that it was just after eight. As far as he could remember, he had only gone to bed a few hours ago; he still seemed to be drunk out of his mind. No wonder - as soon as he had entered Liam's house, he had taken his first line and, as usual, lost track of his mixed use at some point. It was quite a while before he realised that he wasn't alone in bed; a jet-black lump of fur lay purring on his pillow. Lovingly, he scratched Puss behind the ears and, after much deliberation, decided that it was a bad idea to touch the water bottle next to the bed. Finally, he rolled over and went back to sleep
…
When Liam knocked on the door of his guest room around mid-afternoon and received no response, he hesitated for a moment and finally entered tentatively. Of course he respected Severus' privacy, but it was almost four o'clock by now and he wanted to make sure that everything was alright. He swallowed as he made out a trembling bundle in one of the corners of the room; Severus had almost curled up into a ball as he mumbled something unintelligible to himself - it almost sounded like a plea. His eyes were open, but they couldn't seem to find focus. Liam stepped a little closer and could see that Severus was drenched in sweat. He put the coffee cup down on the bedside table, walked carefully towards his best friend and crouched down in front of him.
„Sev?“, Liam spoke to him quietly.

„No... don’t...“
Severus put his hands to his face protectively, and at the brittle voice and the sheer desperation that resonated in it, Liam swallowed hard again.
„Sev.“, he addressed him again, causing Severus to curl up even more.
„Please, mylord... it... it wasn't my fault...“
„Hey man, it's me, Liam.“, the Squib murmured, holding out his arm in the heat of the moment. When he touched Severus gently on the shoulder, the latter tensed up in a split second and began to scream. Startled, Liam backed away and watched as Severus found his way back to the here and now. Black, wide opened eyes pinned the sapphires, and Liam couldn't remember ever seeing such a confused expression on Severus' face.
„What the hell was that?“, Liam groaned, but Severus merely bit his lower lip and remained silent, obviously trying to think of what to say. Finally, he stood up and began to dress frantically, causing Liam to make an indignant sound.
„Aren't ya gonna say anythin’ about it?“, he asked, somewhat indignantly. The last thing he wanted was to lose his patience, but he was incredibly worried; the sight had been more than disturbing.
„I don't want to talk about it, Liam.“, Severus said coldly without looking at the older man. He hastily buttoned his shirt and slipped into his trainers, while Liam still stood before him, somewhat stunned. As Severus fled towards the exit, the redhead ran after him with determination.
„Hey, wait!“, he shouted, but before he reached the first floor, he heard the slamming of a car door, followed by the roar of the engine.
Sighing, he shuffled into the living room and settled down on his sofa, only to find Puss purring on his lap a little later. The cat had a keen sense of her human’s moods and always sought Liam's company when something was bothering him.
As he scratched the cat's head and thought about what had just happened, his worry became more insistent and gnawing, and suddenly it all made sense: Severus had undoubtedly experienced a flashback only minutes before. Add to that the insomnia, possibly caused by persistent nightmares and his excessive use. Liam had occasionally harboured the thought that Severus might be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, but after what he had seen today, his last doubts were gone. But... how could he help Severus? He had grown very fond of him over the last few months, so the fact that he couldn't get through to him hurt him all the more. Liam also doubted that Severus would talk about his past of his own accord. For the time being, he could do no more than continue to keep an eye on him and give him the space he needed. As much as Liam wanted to confront Severus directly, he knew it wouldn't do any good. He had to approach the matter slowly.
*
Severus didn't actually feel up to driving yet, but he had had little choice but to flee. Why had he had a flashback in front of Liam of all people? Knowing him, Severus knew that he would now only worry more than he already did, which meant that sooner or later he would ask him about the flashback again; Liam was at least as stubborn as Minerva when it came to such things. Angrily, Severus punched the dashboard of his car. He didn't want his best friend to know how dark things really were in his life. It was enough that Liam was increasingly worried about his use. The last thing he wanted was for his friend to somehow be dragged into the whole thing. Into the hopeless mess that Severus was currently in because of his former life. Liam didn't deserve to worry about him and waste his willingness to help unnecessarily. Not for someone like him. Someone who was beyond help anyway.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Hi folks,

this chapter contains a bit of medical stuff. As I'm chronically ill, I spent lots of time at my GP, the hospital or other medical facilities, so I'm quite familiar with medical stuff. To make this chapter tho, I did a lot of research to make it as authentical as possible, but as I'm no doctor, please forgive me if not everything is as 100% authentical :)

Have fun reading <3

Vega

-

During the following week, Liam and Severus barely exchanged a word, mainly because the wizard was determined to avoid his friend; even their daily after-work cigarette had largely been cancelled because Severus always gave a different reason why he didn't have time. Liam was aware that he was avoiding him because of the flashback, so as not to be confronted in any way. He was probably just uncomfortable with the situation. Liam had actually wanted to talk to him about it, but then decided not to, as it would probably only make things worse. He wanted to give Severus the time he needed and his persistence paid off when the former Potion's Master silently joined him on Saturday afternoon while he smoked his after-work cigarette. Liam merely smiled wordlessly at him, and Severus finally smiled back tentatively.As much as Severus had tried to avoid Liam's presence all week, he could no longer do so. The Squib was already too important to him for that, and it hadn't necessarily felt good to avoid him, on the contrary. As they stood quietly side by side, he would have liked to say something, but he couldn't think of anything, and it was Liam who broke the silence.
„Ya have any plans for tonight?“
„No, not yet…“, Severus said quietly.
„Fancy goin’ to Genesis?“
„Yeah, I'd love to.“, he said immediately....When the two of them were so drunk only a few hours later that neither of them could take a step in front of the other, Liam seized the opportunity; if Severus revealed anything about himself at all, it was when he was drunk.„Now tell me... what's wrong with ya these days?“
„Huh?“, was all Severus could manage.„The lack of sleep, your use, the flashback…“, Liam began. Severus sighed, he had hoped so much that Liam wouldn't comment on the flashback any further, nor that he would even recognise it as one.„It has somethin’ to do with your past, eh?“
Liam's question was sincere, and finally Severus' shoulders slumped forwards powerlessly. Perhaps he should finally fill his best friend in, at least a bit.„I never told you in detail why I left the magical world, did I?“, he murmured, to which Liam shook his head.
„Nah. You just meant that you did terrible things that ya wanna forget.“, he said carefully, knowing that Severus' past life was an incredibly sensitive subject.
„As I'm sure you know, I was the Dark Lord's personal Potion's Master, among other things. His poisoner... Brewing potions was always my passion. My vocation. The Dark Lord knew that. He knew I was good... better than that. Britain's youngest potions master in three centuries. He abused my passion for his cruel purposes. My job was mainly to create torture potions, but that wasn't all.“
He broke off. Too vividly he remembered what his work had achieved. Potions that made a person's insides turn inside out. That one’s eyeballs melted out of their sockets or the skin simply dissolved, while the person was still alive, in excruciating agony. Of course, the brewing of these poisons had only served one purpose: Voldemort's entertainment. The satisfaction of his vile and morbid desires. Severus felt the onset of nausea and swallowed hard a few times.
„If the Muggles who were used as guinea pigs did not die from the potions, they died from my Cruciati or the Killing Curse - cast by the Dark Lord. The deaths of many people weigh heavily on my shoulders... I have rarely been able to save any of them…“
Liam swallowed hard as well. He had suspected that Severus, as a double agent, might also have been forced to kill, but hearing it from his own mouth was something completely different. Before he could respond, Severus whispered:
„When... when I was released from Azkaban after the war ended... I didn’t have any potions in stock, so I tied a noose and tried to hang myself in my attic. I... didn't want to go on living with all that guilt. Just before it was over, the roof beam snapped. Somehow... I took that as a sign. A sign that life wasn't finished with me yet. So in the end, I decided to turn my back on the magical world and my past. Choosing a life within the Muggle world was the best thing I could have done, but... my past is catching up with me. I've... been having terrible nightmares for a while now, so I hardly sleep at all. Plus the flashbacks I've been struggling with for a few weeks now…“
„So that's the reason for your regular use?“, Liam asked cautiously. Severus nodded hastily and rubbed his face.
„My nightmares... I'm often overtired and don't know how else to cope with work. I realise that the only way to get rid of the nightmares is to deal with what has happened all these years, but I can't... not now.“
„Leavin’ behind a world that has caused ya so much sufferin’ was certainly the right approach, but to be honest…“
Liam thought about finishing his sentence for a moment too long, but he had to say it - whether Severus wanted to hear it or not.
„I think you're gonna need professional help in the long run. It's obvious that you've been traumatised. I don't know everythin’ about your past, but what you've told me... no one would just let that go, Sev. Ya can't keep suppressin’ it.“
Severus looked at Liam in disbelief for a moment, then snorted angrily, turning his head away and shaking it.
„I don't need professional help.“, he hissed.
„Ya know... I was pretty down in the dumps a few years ago.“, Liam said quietly, causing Severus to look at him again, frowning.
„What I went through isn't even remotely comparable to what you had to go through, but talkin’ to a therapist helped me personally a lot to work through the things that were botherin’ me so much instead of continuin’ to suppress them and just wantin’ to forget. And... I dunno. Maybe that could help you as well.“
Severus averted his eyes again and stared at his feet while chewing on his lower lip. Then he slowly lifted his head and looked at Liam.
„I'm glad you've benefited from therapy, but in my case... I don't think I can work through my past. Not yet anyway. What's happened over the last few years is…“
Severus grimaced and ran a trembling hand through his hair, then he took a shaky breath and tried to regain his composure. It stung Liam to see his friend like this, but at least he was no longer pretending that everything was all right with him.
„That's... okay. I can understand that you're not ready yet. I... kinda figured ya were sufferin’ from nightmares, and I understand that you seem to have little choice but to use in order to get your work done somehow, but your use is really concernin’. The thing is... it's a vicious circle. The crash that inevitably follows regular use will reduce your energy even further and you'll need more and more to function. If ya don't make the leap, you run the risk of one day dyin’ from an overdose. I know you're a grown man and it's none of my business, but…“
„No, Liam. You were right, I've got myself into something. Maybe it's time for a break, I've had enough of this stuff for now. I was planning to take a break during my holiday anyway.“, Severus interrupted him quietly. It wasn't a lie.
„I know the crash phases, how this shite feels and how difficult it is not to take anythin’ durin’ this time. Before you get depressed and start thinkin’ stupid thoughts, gimme a call and I'll come round and distract ya. Even if it's in the middle of the night. Besides, you can always talk to me if you have somethin’ on your mind and are ready to share it with me. Of course, I'm not a therapist, but I'll try my best.“, the Squib said and grinned.
Once again, Severus looked at the giant in disbelief. It was still hard for him to realise that he had found such a friend. He, who had always been hated by almost everyone he had ever had contact with. The disgusting, slimy, foul, greasy bat. Why him of all people? Why was such an altruistic, uncorrupted and lovable person like Liam interested in being friends with someone like him?„Why are you doing all this?“, Severus finally asked, frustrated.
„Why am I doin’ what?“„Why do you persist in offering me your help when I'm too broken to even accept it? Why don't you judge me for once being... a bloody Death Eater? It was my own choice to join that monster. How can you... how can you even be friends with me willingly?“
There was so much pain in the wizard's eyes that they almost overflowed with it. Liam swallowed. It was probably true that Severus had never experienced anything like real support in his life. From no one. He probably just didn't know what it felt like. It was cruel to watch.
„I'm friends with ya because I like you, Sev. I liked you from the start. What else is there to say? I don't judge ya for your past, after all, you were instrumental in that bastard's eventual destruction. You had no choice but to do what he told ya to do. What Dumbledore told you to do. That you experienced all those cruel things... you didn't deserve it.“
„You're wrong, I deserve all of this.“, Severus spat.
„I... am not good. My father was right, I’m rotten. Scum... I carry the remnants of the Dark Mark, Liam. I never wanted any of this... Actually, I just wanted to belong. To finally be someone, but if I had known... I should have known, but I was too blinded… to naive. That I'm broken... I deserve it.“
„Your father said that to ya? That you're scum?“, Liam asked, somewhat stunned, to which Severus merely nodded.
Now it definitely made sense why Severus didn't find it easy to accept help. After all, he had mentioned before that things had happened in his childhood home that he wanted to forget. It was hard for Liam to imagine that anyone could throw such words at their own child. These words were obviously etched in the other man's mind.
„You made the mistake of joinin’ Voldemort when you were young, aye. But that doesn't mean ya deserve to suffer so much from your past, to not receive help or to have experienced all those cruel things in the first place. No one deserves that, especially not you. Ya risked your life for a boy who was the spittin’ image of the man who bullied and beat ya up your entire school career. You regularly put yourself in mortal danger to provide the Order with information, in the end you were even prepared to sacrifice your life for the Wizarding World. If ya ask me, you have paid enough for your mistakes.“
Severus stared at his shoes again and commented on Liam's words with an indifferent shrug.„Besides, you're not scum. You... are a remarkable person. Intelligent, ya have a strong character, are selfless and insanely talented. Fuck, you've managed to successfully deceive the greatest Legilimens of all time for years. On top of that, you're the bravest man I know. I know you're not a bad person. To put it harshly, you are someone who has just been very unlucky so far. I suspect there has never been anyone in your life who has looked out for ya, and... that's what I'm here for now.“
Severus knew that Liam's words were sincere. There was no reason why the redhead should have pretended to him. This... it was absurd. The whole situation was absurd. How could it be that Liam saw him as more than a mistake? That he even called him a remarkable person? All his life he had resigned himself to having no real value, apart from his role in the resistance perhaps, and now... Liam didn't judge him in the slightest, while he couldn't forgive himself for his actions. He would never be able to, but perhaps he could accept that he had value to his best friend. That he wanted to help him and look after him. Could he really? Severus was confused. None of this made sense, and yet somehow it made sense at the same time. If someone like Liam could show him unconditional affection...„Liam, I... don't really know what to say to that. I'm not particularly good at this…“Severus strained to find the right words.„It... thank you. For everything.“That was all he could say as his gaze lingered on the sapphires. He found it difficult to express how he felt towards Liam at that moment.
„That's what friends are for, Sev. You'd better get used to the fact that ya won't be gettin’ rid of me any time soon. And... I'm glad the roof beam snapped.“
Severus gave Liam a sheepish look, then muttered:„Me too…“
Liam could hardly put into words what was going through his mind. He was glad that Severus had opened up to him like that, but what he had heard was heavy on his stomach. He felt great pain about how Severus' life had turned out so far. About how much he had obviously had to suffer. About how much he was still suffering. His past seemed to be far worse than Liam had assumed. What was written in Rita Skeeter’s biography could only contain a fraction of what had actually happened. Severus had to be completely traumatised. It probably wasn't just the fact that he himself had been forced to do horrible things; as far as Liam knew, Voldemort hadn't even stopped at his own Death Eaters. The parcel carrier didn't even want to begin to imagine how Severus must feel. But one thing was certain for him - he would find a way to help his friend.…Somehow, Severus managed to stay abstinent for the next week. The crash was as merciless as ever, but he wanted to stay strong, because he had firmly resolved not to take something during the week in the future - his conversation with Liam had been the main reason for this. A plan that he knew would be difficult. As he made his way home on Friday afternoon with aching bones, he felt quite a bit of anticipation, because tomorrow night he would be going to Genesis once again, which meant there finally was an opportunity to use.
Unfortunately, over the course of Saturday evening, Severus completely lost control of how much he was taking. Somehow he tried to hide his excessive use from Liam, but the latter realised something was wrong when he found Severus slumped in a secluded seating area. Carefully, he sat down next to the trembling bundle and asked:
„Hey... ya all right?“
There was nothing alright at all, and Severus realised that he had caught far too much; his nervous system was completely overstimulated, his breathing laboured, his heart was hammering wildly against his ribs and skipping beats and he could barely control his muscles, which were trembling incessantly. The more he tried to ignore the symptoms, the more violent they became.„I…“, Severus began, taking a shaky breath as he tried to straighten up a little.
„I have to get out of here.“
Severus felt like he was burning up, while he couldn't stand the sensory overload any longer, so he hastily jumped up and ran towards the exit, while Liam ran after him, perplexed.
„Hey, what's wrong?“, he asked worriedly when they reached the backyard and Severus was gasping for breath.
„I... I think I... caught... too much…“, Severus groaned.
„Damn it, I told ya this would happen if you kept overdoin’ it!“, it escaped Liam angrily, but Severus was barely aware of what was going on around him.
Somehow, he felt as if he was on the verge of delirium. Panic spread through him as the left side of his face began to tingle and a zigzag pattern appeared in his field of vision, followed by a burning sensation in his stomach that slowly travelled up his throat. What in Merlin's name was wrong with him? As he began to hyperventilate, the resentment on Liam's face gave way in a split second to sheer worry as the paramedic inside him emerged. Without thinking about it, Liam grabbed his upper arms and directed him into a sitting position; the younger man's skin felt disconcertingly hot, and immediately Liam grabbed Severus' wrist - his pulse was racing and out of sync.„Breathe, mate.“, he said calmly as he knelt in front of him, though he was anything but calm as Severus had obviously seriously overdosed.„Try to breathe evenly.“Alarmed, Liam watched as Severus gasped harder and harder for air, while looking as if he was scared to death.„C’mon, man, breathe.“, he urged him as the wizard’s increasing panic slowly spread to him.„I... can’t…“, Severus choked out, slumping down more and more, and Liam decided that he’d seen enough.„I’m callin’ an ambulance now.“, he said sternly, pulling out his mobile phone and dialling 999. The next moment, Severus went black.

*
Shortly after Liam had called the ambulance, he noticed that Severus was no longer shaking and had stopped hyperventilating. He just sat there motionless, staring into space while his left eye blinked incessantly. Suddenly, he rolled his eyes into the back of his head and jerked his head to the side, his limbs cramped up and the next moment his whole body began to twitch wildly. The former paramedic acted with presence of mind, turned Severus onto his side as carefully as possible, took off his shirt, crumpled it up and shoved it under the almost unnaturally hyperextended head. Horrifyied, he watched as foam formed in front of his best friend's mouth, but there was nothing he could do except wait for the seizure to stop as quickly as possible. Most seizures ended after a short time; they only became dangerous when they lasted longer than five minutes. Another hasty glance at his watch told Liam that Severus had been convulsing for about two minutes now, and he prayed that the ambulance would arrive soon. When he realised that a small crowd of people seemed to be enjoying the performance, he turned away from the convulsing body for a moment and shouted:
„Fuck off, ya bloody vultures!“
Three minutes. Severus' lips began to turn blue, and still, there was nothing Liam could do except wait for the seizure to stop as quickly as possible and resuscitate in case Severus suffered a complete respiratory arrest.Four minutes. The convulsions slowly subsided, but the seizure still went on.Five minutes. When the redhead realised that Severus was currently in a status epilepticus, he took a trembling breath while trying not to panic.
Six minutes. Liam was sure that Severus would die if help didn't arrive soon, and the panic was beginning to take over him completely.
„Stop it, for fuck’s sake!“, he shouted with tears in his eyes as he heard the approaching sirens and exhaled in relief. A little later, he reluctantly gave way to let the rescuers do their work after he had briefly explained to them what had happened.
A little to the side, Liam watched tensely as the paramedics administered an emergency medication to Severus and gave him oxygen. Finally, the seizure ended shortly afterwards, and slowly but surely the bluish colour drained from Severus' face as his breathing returned to normal. While he was being hooked up to monitoring, one of the paramedics began to address him, but Severus was completely out of it. When Liam realised that the crowd had grown even bigger, he shouted like he had never shouted before:„Now piss off already! You're gettin’ excited seein' this, aren't ya? Get outta here or I'll forget myself!“
His outburst of rage was effective and the onlookers finally cleared the field - not without craning their necks in curiosity as they left.

*
Slowly, Severus opened his eyes, but closed them again immediately when bright, cold light stabbed into them. After another attempt to adjust his eyes to the light, his blurred vision began to scan his surroundings. There was something familiar about this place and it took him a while to realise that he was in the A&E. He also realised that he was not alone. A mop of red hair shone at him from one of the corners; Liam sat huddled in a chair, staring anxiously at the floor as he kneaded his fingers. How had he got here, and why was he so damn confused? The longer he racked his brains, the more memories came flooding back.
He'd overdosed in front of Liam, after which he'd called an ambulance. The next thing he could remember was coming round in said ambulance and a paramedic shining a light in his eyes and asking him questions. Just as Severus was wondering how long he had been here, the room began to spin, causing him to close his eyes again. Why did he feel so damn sick? Faintly, he could remember having drunk quite a bit. The nausea, which was becoming more and more penetrating, was almost unbearable, but this wasn’t the only thing that plagued him. His limbs ached, almost like the after-effects of the cruciatus - as if his muscles had cramped. When the nausea reached its peak, he barely managed to turn on his side to vomit. At the same moment, a rather rushed-looking nurse entered the room and made an annoyed noise.
„Wonderful…“, she said with unmistakable cynicism, turned round and disappeared. Not much later, she returned again with cleaning materials and set to work scowling. Severus, who had turned onto his back again in the meantime and was trying hard not to throw up again, croaked in shame:„I'm... so... sorry…“
He could well imagine that the young woman was anything but enthusiastic about wiping vomit off the floor on a Saturday evening, but the nurse didn't even think about responding to his apology.„Why didn't you ring the bell?“, she barked at him after she had finished and somewhat rudely pressed a vomit bag into his hand. Liam, who had been watching tensely the whole time, could no longer contain himself.
„Is this your usual way of dealin’ with patients? The man has only just regained consciousness…“, he snapped. The nurse simply gave the giant a scathing look and stomped off indignantly. Liam mumbled something unintelligible, swallowed his anger, stood up and finally stepped next to the stretcher.„Hey, Sev.“, he said gently and briefly squeezed the former Potion's Master's hand. As confused as he was, Severus immediately saw the horror that was written all over Liam's face. Ashamed, he turned his head away.„Don't worry about her, she's probably just pissed off because she has to work tonight…“, Liam spat in a dismissive tone. In view of the unpleasant situation, Severus had already been punished enough, and no one lying here, in an obviously vulnerable condition, deserved such treatment, if Liam had his way. Severus merely shrugged his shoulders in response.„Glad to see you're awake again. How ya feelin’?“
„Like shit.“, Severus mocked hoarsely.„What happened?“
Severus was quite embarrassed by his speech, which sounded kind of slurred. He watched as Liam's features darkened, then the latter sighed and muttered:
„You overdosed and had a resultin’ seizure. Actually... you were in status epilepticus, a potentially life-threatenin’ condition.“
Liam seemed to be trying hard not to lose his composure immediately, it must have been a violent sight. A seizure, of course, explained the blackouts, his confused state and his aching muscles. That Liam had had to witness this... that he'd had an overdose at all in front of his friend - he couldn't remember ever being so ashamed of anything and he couldn't bring himself to look into the sapphires.
While he was thinking about what he could have said in the face of this extremely awkward situation, a doctor entered the room, looking as rushed as the young nurse, and curtly told him that they were going to carry out some tests. Seizures in connection with a cocaine overdose were apparently nothing unusual, but they wanted to be able to rule out other causes with certainty. After Severus had finally got rid of all the electrodes and cables and, with Liam's help, staggered to his feet, his disbelieving gaze fell on a nurse who, to his displeasure, came round the corner with a wheelchair.„Absolutely out of the question. I can walk myself!“, he protested, but as soon as he had taken the first step, Liam grabbed his arms in a flash to prevent him from falling to the ground; his legs had simply given way. The doctor finally insisted that he’d used the wheelchair, so he had no choice but to do so, and with his head bright red, he was pushed out of the room by the nurse.The bright lights of the corridor passed in the corners of his eyes, distorted. Absently, Severus observed the people who had also ended up in the A&E. Some were simply lying in the corridors, while others were pacing back and forth in the waiting area with impatient expressions on their faces. He heard muffled voices, but couldn’t understand a word - Severus was completely beside himself.
During his first examination, an MRI scan, he simply fell asleep, something that probably few people would have managed due to the annoying hammering and knocking, but he was incredibly tired. He woke up hastily when the radiology assistant touched him on the shoulder, causing his cheeks to glow. Fortunately, the subsequent CT scan went a lot faster, so at least he didn't run the risk of embarrassing himself again. The only thing left was an EEG, and he had to pull himself together not to fall asleep again. Something that seemed almost impossible when one had to lie still with their eyes closed.
After a total of forty minutes, Severus had completed all the examinations and was taken back to the room he had originally come from. As he took a seat on the stretcher with the nurse's help, the black eyes met the blue ones for a moment, but again Severus couldn't hold his gaze out of shame and hastily turned his head to the side. He didn't know how long they waited for the doctor, but none of them said a word the whole time. Severus kept peering unnoticed in Liam's direction; the features of the bearded face were hard. So hard that he had to blink away the tears.In his brooding, Severus hadn't realised at first that the doctor was suddenly standing in front of him. He flinched violently before raising his head and listening to what he had to say. The results of the examinations had all been unremarkable, but due to the severity of the seizure, the doctor wanted to keep him in for a night of observation. Severus immediately refused resolutely; after all, nobody could force him, and currently, he just wanted to go home. His eyes fell on Liam again, whose face had only darkened even more.In the end, Severus was advised to stop taking drugs and seek addiction counselling if necessary. Once his IV had been removed, he was allowed to leave. Gratefully, he accepted his jacket, which Liam had held in front of him, when he heard him mutter something sourly in Doric.„ ...can't understand why they just let him go after something like that…“, he understood clearly, whereupon the blush crept up his face again.
„Ya need any help?“, Liam turned to him directly and offered him his arm, but Severus declined with thanks. They then walked in silence through the seemingly endless labyrinth of corridors towards the exit. Severus was really struggling, his body was weak, his muscles didn't want to obey and he felt like he was going to collapse at any moment, but as usual, he didn't let it show.The two men were still silent when they sat in the taxi to Cults a little later. Severus would have liked to say something. Apologised, expressed his displeasure at the situation, but he couldn't. He dared not even to look in Liam's direction. Severus would have just loved to sink into the ground at that moment.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Silently, Severus and Liam were sitting opposite each other in the Squib's living room when it was the Slytherin who couldn't take the silence it any longer.
„Liam, I... I don't know what to say. What... happened tonight is extremely unfortunate, and... I'm really sorry.“, he said quietly. He didn't know what else to say. Liam, whose gaze was fixed on the black ball of fur on his lap, finally lifted his head and met the gaze of the black eyes.
„I…“, he began, clearing his throat, and Severus could tell he was straining to find the right words.
„I've experienced somethin’ like this more than once in my time as a paramedic, but with you... I... I thought…“
Liam ran his fingers through his hair and struggled with his words again.
„For a moment, I thought that you wouldn't make it... I couldn’t do anythin’... except watch…“
He broke off again and shook his head, his face contorted. Severus gulped, Liam seemed completely beside himself, he had never seen him like this before.
„I told ya that you were in danger of dyin’ from an overdose at some point and... today was bloody close.“
Before Severus could say anything in response, Liam said:„I... don't wanna lose you to the drug, mate. If ya keep this up... you're playin’ with fire.“
Severus watched as tears gathered in the sapphires. What Liam must have gone through that evening... Severus didn't even want to imagine it. And all because he had once again been unable to restrain himself. Because he was once again dragging another person into his misery.
Suddenly, a veritable chaos of emotions swept over him. Liam was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he thanked his best friend by exposing him to a horrible situation that could have been completely avoided. Severus didn't think he deserved to have anyone care about him anyway. He was bad, rotten to the core. A Death Eater... once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. It made no difference that the Dark Lord was dead.
He didn't deserve Liam's friendship. All he deserved were those demons that haunted him daily in the form of horrific nightmares and flashbacks, after all, he had once chosen to become a follower of Voldemort. He had been fairly lucky to be able to do something good through his work as a spy, but that did not necessarily mean that he was good. He was a mistake. Scum. A fucking freak, nothing more. No matter what Liam had once said to him. Gloating, he heard his father laugh, and the mental pain that suddenly spread through him was overwhelming.
Severus finally did what he had always done - he froze what he didn't want to feel, because cold was more bearable than pain. Sadly, Liam watched as the black became dead and empty again and the pale face that had just reflected sorrow and despair took on an indifferent expression. Before he could say anything in reply, Severus stood up stiffly.
„I should go.“, he said coldly, turning his back on Liam and disappearing.
„Hey wait, you can't drive like that!“Liam had jumped up, much to Puss’ chagrin, and was about to run after Severus, but once again he was too late - the unmistakable bang told him that he had apparently apparated straight into his car this time.
„For fuck’s sake Sev, what's the matter with ya?“, he shouted angrily. It had been quite distressing to witness such a rapid change of emotion. Actually, it had been disturbing. Everything that had happened that evening was disturbing. It hadn't been some trivial matter; Liam couldn't get the sight of the seizure out of his mind - those images were so deeply etched in his memory that he would probably never forget them. During his career, he had, of course, treated both overdoses and seizures, but the duration of Severus's seizure was quite unusual, and of course it was completely different to experience something like this in someone you had a relationship with. The seizure could have cost Severus his life, and this realisation caused anger to boil up inside Liam. About the fact that the former spy had risked succumbing to his use at some point, and about Severus only getting hold of the crap in the first place thanks to him.
…When Severus got up on Monday morning, a pain-filled groan escaped him; the after-effects of the seizure and the crash were obviously mocking him together. Although he had used the whole of Sunday to rest, his limbs still ached and he was unusually confused. The week was going to be tough, he already knew that.
He urgently needed to take a break, otherwise, it was only a matter of time until something bad would happen. His main reason for taking a break, however, was that he didn't want Liam to be exposed to such a distressing situation again. Merlin, he didn't even know how he was going to face him at work today after his escape on Saturday night... maybe it was best if he just avoided him, he wouldn't have much energy for in-depth conversations anyway - first and foremost, he had to concentrate on getting through the crash and somehow managing his work on the side. Fortunately, this was the last week before his holiday.
Somehow, Severus actually managed to avoid Liam for the whole week, but as he was on his way to the car park on Saturday afternoon, Liam caught up with him and, a little breathless, and got straight to the point.
„Listen mate… I hate that we've been avoidin’ each other since last weekend. I know what happened last Saturday makes ya uncomfortable, but it really doesn't have to.“
Severus finally stopped, sighed and looked directly at Liam. Why did the redhead always have to be so bloody understanding?„How about we go to The Den tonight? We haven't been there for a while.“, Liam suggested and Severus could hardly say no, even though he knew it would probably end up being another deep conversation. He had already found it difficult to keep Liam at a distance after his flashback, so eventually he agreed, and as they sat together over a Guinness about an hour later, Severus murmured:
„I'm sorry I was so out of line on Saturday... that I... lost control over my use completely, landed in the A&E and then just ran off.“, he said, not looking at the sapphires, but Liam could be relied on.
„You don't have to apologise for that, Sev. I'm just glad it didn't get any worse.“, he said, but Severus replied:
„I do, I don't want to burden you with this whole mess I’m in unnecessarily, you've already had far too much of it for my liking... the seizure... it didn't have to be.“
He still couldn't manage to look Liam in the eye as he leaned forward and placed his hand on Severus' shoulder in a familiar gesture.
„Look at me.“
Although it hurt, Liam didn't flinch and pulled himself together when he saw the expression in the black eyes. Exhaustion, discouragement and a hint of despair - it was a mixture of everything. He ignored the tugging in his chest and said:
„We're friends, I wanna be part of your life, and that includes the not so nice things as well. Ya know, I'm really worried about ya. Your use... you can't go on like this, Sev, at least not if ya value your life. Last week... you could’ve died.“
Wearily, Liam rubbed his face, and Severus couldn't help but notice that the Squib's voice had reflected resignation. He seemed to be at his wit's end and Severus painfully realised how much he was burdening his friend with his addiction. How much he had already involved him in everything. It was all the more important that he somehow managed to keep his break going. If not for himself, then at least for Liam.
„I've... been abstinent for a week. You were right. This stuff isn't good for me, and I should have taken a break a long time ago.“, he said quietly, and he watched Liam's features brighten immediately.„I'm really proud of ya, mate. I know how hard withdrawal is.“, he said, patting Severus appreciatively on the shoulder.
„It'll get easier after a few weeks, you'll see, and as I already told ya - before you're drownin' in gloomy thoughts, gimme a call.“Liam smiled, then his expression got serious again. Restlessly, he kneaded his fingers and sighed.
„And yet... I know ya don't wanna hear this, but in the long run you'll have to work through your past, trauma and addiction often go hand in hand.“
„Yeah, I know that.“, Severus said, and now it was his turn to sigh. He had been aware of this for a long time, but he still couldn't bring himself to do it. When he registered Liam's waiting look, he muttered:
„As far as I know, some kind of psychiatric ward opened up at St Mungo's after the Dark Lord’s official return in 1996. Maybe... I can make an appointment with a mental healer.“
It hurt to lie to his best friend's face again, but he had wanted to say something to reassure Liam. He was more convinced than ever that Liam didn't deserve to worry about him. The lie did exactly what Severus had hoped it would; once again, Liam began to smile again.
„That's a good idea.“

*
Liam could hardly have put into words how relieved he was at that moment. He had actually assumed that there would be another argument as soon as he mentioned Severus' drug use, which, however, had not stopped him from mentioning it. The whole situation affected him greatly, as he had hardly slept in the last few days; the sight of the seizure still haunted him, it was not uncommon for him to even dream about it. If Severus did not receive help soon, such events would probably happen again, or it could be even worse. Liam was all the happier that his friend had finally gone through with his plan to take a break and even wanted to see a mental healer....Severus was hardly able to describe how good the holiday was for him, which he spent largely trying to catch up on sleep, exercising and cleaning his home properly. The symptoms of the crash had finally started to subside and fortunately, he was noticing his energy slowly returning. The cravings remained, however, and hardly a day went by without him having to fight them.
When he sat down on his terrace on Friday afternoon to enjoy a few rays of sunshine, he suffered the next flashback when he lit a cigarette and a strand of his hair fell into the flame of the lighter. The smell of burnt hair finally triggered a deep-seated memory and, as always, Severus could do nothing about it.
...
Severus found himself surrounded by the other Death Eaters in the middle of a secluded forest clearing in the far north of Scotland. Night had just fallen and in front of him stood three curved, wooden stakes, which resembled a snake in shape. Three Muggles were brought in, one woman and two men. They were pushed roughly to the ground and the Dark Lord stepped out of the shade of one of the countless trees, whereupon Severus and the other hooded figures fell humbly to their knees.

„Rise, my friends.“, Voldemort purred, and Severus could only half-follow the speech that followed. When innocent Muggles were tortured and killed once again, he usually made sure that his mind was largely sealed off. He picked up terms such as „inquisition“, „witch hunt“ and „burning“ and could well imagine what was to follow. He mentally prepared himself for the fact that it was going to be particularly cruel. The Muggles were finally fastened to the snake-like wooden stakes and doused with an oily liquid. They whimpered and pleaded, begging for mercy, which seemed to amuse the lord, for he laughed a maniacal laugh.

„Severus.“, said Voldemort suddenly, motioning for his spy to come closer. Severus’ stomach churned, knowing that he would once again play a decisive role in one of these disgusting games.

„Light the fire.“

Reluctantly, Severus walked towards the stakes, raised his wand and said:

„Incendio.“

The next moment, the three Muggles burst into flames. Horrible, agonising screams echoed through the night and the smell of burning flesh slowly spread across the clearing. The Death Eaters roared and laughed, while Severus had to force himself not to avert his eyes. He would have liked to turn round, cover his ears or simply run away. It seemed like an eternity before the screams finally stopped.
…Trembling, Severus found himself squatting on the stone floor of his terrace. His heart was racing and he could hardly breathe, and it felt like an eternity before he calmed down enough to stand up, tears streaming down his cheeks, his whole body still shaking. Reluctantly, Severus had to admit to himself that he had taken his Occlumency too far. Way too far. It was almost like a cluttered room into which more and more rubbish had been stuffed indiscriminately until nothing more could fit, and obviously his mind was now beginning to reclaim the necessary space by force. In his days as a spy, his mind had been structured and organised down to the last corner. A perfect construct, an illusion for the Dark Lord. Never would anything from deep within him have come anywhere near the surface. His most intimate secrets, deepest desires, worst fears and greatest weaknesses - none of it would have been accessible to anyone, not even Dumbledore.
Now that his life no longer depended on how outstanding his Occlumency skills were, he couldn't even manage a few memories. However, these memories would never have existed if he hadn't been so incredibly stupid and naive as a young man. Feelings of guilt and self-hatred literally overwhelmed him. Severus could no longer understand why he had ever joined this monster. This one rash decision had steered his life in a completely wrong direction and ultimately destroyed it. He had killed, tortured and concocted poisons, and his constant companion had always been the fear of being unveiled by Voldemort and dying a slow, agonising death. He hated himself unspeakably for it all, even the fact that he had been instrumental in Voldemort's destruction didn't change that. Severus would never be able to forgive himself for what he had done in his lifetime.
His inner demons dragged him further and further into the deepest recesses of his mind and an indescribable emptiness spread through him, and tears ran down his cheeks again. If only he had died in the Shrieking Shack. He should have been grateful to Fawkes for saving his life, but at that moment he only felt regret. Slowly but surely, he was losing control of his life and he could no longer bear to be powerless against it. A feeling of helplessness overcame him. For the first time in a while, he again toyed with the idea of putting an end to it all and taking his own life when he thought of Liam and Minerva; he couldn’t do this to the only two people he really cared about.When Severus tried to swing his legs out of bed the next morning, they just gave way and he fell back onto the bed. Had he been drinking last night? It looked like it, and judging by his headache, it hadn't necessarily been a little, he still wasn't completely sober. At least he hadn't had any nightmares that night, but he still hadn't recovered enough to actually feel well. Without further ado, he decided to go back to bed, where he stayed all day, but he couldn't sleep - his nightmares were worse than ever, and when Severus woke up in the afternoon, drenched in sweat for the fourth time that day, he couldn't take it any longer. What was enough was enough. He couldn't take it anymore, neither the cravings, nor the increasing flashbacks, nor the constant nightmares. That very evening, he paid Connor a little visit, leaving about three hundred pounds behind. Severus didn't even want to try to fight it any longer, he simply didn't have the strength for withdrawal in the long run.
Severus had long since realised that he was addicted, but also that he would no longer be able to get off the drug on his own. It helped him to get a grip on his nightmares and flashbacks and to somehow manage his work. He could have checked himself into a rehab centre, but that would have meant that Liam and McGonagall would inevitably find out about it. He didn't want anyone to know how deep into his addiction he was now, didn't want the stigma of a drug addict to be attached to him. If he used in a controlled manner, it was possible that no one would notice. He could just tell Liam and Minerva before his next holiday that he was going on vacation for a few weeks, that way they wouldn't even notice that he was going through withdrawal instead. It hurt to lie to his only friends over and over again, but he couldn't help it. Especially Liam could never know how broken he really was.
...The next evening, Liam and Severus were once again at Genesis. The latter had struggled with whether he could show his face there again after his seizure, but fortunately no one took any notice of him, as he seemed to be just one of many who came here to get high and spend the whole night dancing to classic trance with grinding jaws. Unfortunately, the evening was anything but relaxed. Skilfully, Severus managed to hide his use from Liam, who still didn't know that he had relapsed. At least for the time being; after he ran out of cigarettes at some point and got a refill at the bar, Severus bumped into a bloke who was as tall as he was wide. In appearance, he had a lot in common with a troll, he just thought. The former Potions Master, who had a tendency towards aggressive behaviour and overconfidence during his use and had almost lost his balance as a result of the bump, naturally didn't take it lying down.
„Watch where you're putting your fat arse!“, he hissed. The bloke turned round and took a step towards Severus.
„What did ya just say, ya linnet?“, he bleated.
„I said: watch where you're putting your fat…“
Severus didn't get any further, as he had already received a fist in the face. Strangely enough, he had withstood the force and was still on his feet, although his eyebrow had split open due to the intensity of the blow. Roaring and clenching his fist, he punched back. Although he was at a clear physical disadvantage compared to his opponent, the punch landed and the bloke went straight to the ground, but got up again immediately and Severus took the next blow. This time he was the one lying on the floor. Trembling with rage, he got to his feet again, lunged at the man and beat him like a madman, taking at least as many blows. At one point, he felt himself being grabbed and pulled from his opponent's grasp; Liam was as angry as Severus had ever seen him.
„Piss off.“, the Squib barked, baring his teeth and pushing the bully roughly backwards.„Or do ya think ya can take me?“
Liam was not only clearly taller than the other, he was also many times more muscular. The half-troll hesitated for a moment, then let out a low growl, turned round and disappeared.
„Are you outta your mind?“, Liam finally turned angrily to Severus when he saw his battered face. The younger man felt that all eyes were on him, and all he wanted at that moment was to get out of here immediately. Hastily, he grabbed Liam's wrist, pulled him behind him and stormed towards the cloakroom to get his jacket. After they left the nightclub and Severus lit a cigarette with trembling hands, the moonlight made his bloody face look even more terrifying. Liam swallowed his anger at the incident for the moment and said with concern:
„You need to go to the hospital, Sev. Your face looks awful…“
„No, I just need to get home, I'll take care of it myself. Keep an eye out for a taxi, please.“, Severus mumbled.„Please, just trust me.“, he added when Liam was about to protest.It didn't take long for the two of them to find a taxi, luckily the stressed driver couldn't see the state one of his two passengers was in, otherwise he probably wouldn't have let him get into the taxi at all. Meanwhile, Severus was busy trying to keep all the bleedings at bay with the sleeves of his jacket. When the men arrived in Cove Bay, Severus stormed into the bathroom as quickly as possible, followed by Liam.
„Shit…“, he muttered as he looked in the mirror. Both eyebrows were split open, his nose was broken, one of his eyes was black and his left cheekbone appeared to be cracked. When Severus turned round and hurriedly left the bathroom, Liam winced; the light of the mirror cabinet showed the full extent of the injuries.„Hey, where ya goin’?“, he called after Severus, who ignored him. Hastily, he entered his attic and rummaged a long, black box out of one of the few moving boxes. With trembling fingers, he opened it and pulled out a delicate, dark wooden wand. A warm feeling ran through him as he held his wand in his hand for the first time in several months. Then, he hurriedly left the attic behind him, stood in front of the bathroom mirror again and set to work.
The lacerations above his eyebrows closed up, then there was a loud crack, Severus let out a short cry of pain and his nose looked as usual again, the black eye disappeared and after another crack, his cheekbone was healed. Afterwards, Severus checked to see if there were any other injuries, washed the blood from his face and hair and finally looked completely restored. Liam, who had been watching in fascination, muttered:
„Awesome. I didn't know you had such healin’ abilities.“
„There's so much you don't know about me.“, Severus just blurted out.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

„What's got into ya, man?“, Liam asked, worried and audibly annoyed at the same time, after Severus had sat down on his sofa, breathing heavily.
„I don't know what you're talking about.“, he said disinterestedly, whereupon Liam was almost about to explode.„Oh c’mon, ya know damn well what I'm talkin' about. What the hell was that before? That's not usually your style.“, he replied angrily.„That fat bastard just bumped into me, what else was I supposed to do?“, Severus spat angrily, spreading threads of saliva on the living room table.
„You're on coke again, am I right?“
Severus sighed softly. Of course Liam knew that he had been using, but he just couldn't be honest.
„No, Liam, I'm not on anything.“, he assured his friend, audibly annoyed.„I guess everything's just too much for me at the moment.“
There was nothing more to say. Even if the drug was primarily responsible for his aggressive behaviour, he was only taking it because everything had been too much for him for a long time.„It can't go on like this, Sev.“
Liam gave Severus time to respond, but the black-haired man remained silent, biting his lower lip as he was unable to look into the sapphires. Finally, the Squib shook his head slightly and continued.„You don't seem to be in control of yourself at all right now. If you didn't happen to be a wizard, and it's obviously easy for ya to heal injuries of this nature so quickly, you might have spent the night in hospital. That bloke could’ve killed ya, he was easily twice your size!“
Severus knew that Liam was right, the bully could have beaten him to death if he had wanted to. Of course, he had also been right about everything else, but now was not the time to talk about it. He couldn't take any more. The outward appearance of the beating was no longer visible, as the wounds had been closed and the bones had been put back together, but the actual healing would take at least a week, if not a week and a half, and the pain was almost unbearable at this point.
„No offence Liam, but I don't have the energy for conversations like this anymore. My face hurts, my head hurts, frankly everything hurts and I just want to go to bed.“, he said in agony and Liam realised he wasn't going to get anywhere with his moralising that evening.
„That's understandable. You've taken quite a beatin’.“, said the older man resigned, taking off his shoes and making himself comfortable on Severus' sofa.
Liam didn't bring up the subject again the next day. It bothered him, but he realised that he wasn't helping his friend by constantly picking on his weak points.
Severus, on the other hand, hardly spoke at all. He felt like he'd been run over by a train and parts of his face were swollen, which was why he'd been walking around with an ice pack for half the morning.
„It'll take a while to heal completely, eh?“, asked Liam. Severus immediately recognised from his friend's tone that he was trying to tease.
„Obviously.“, he said coldly.
„Looks really bad, anyway.“, Liam replied.„I've survived far worse injuries. Broken ribs and vertebrae, torn muscles, poisoning, internal bleeding... pretty much every injury you can imagine.“
Indifferently, Severus shrugged his shoulders. The way he talked about these injuries - as if he was casually discussing the weather - almost made Liam's blood run cold. He wondered what had to happen to make one so numb. Even worse than that indifference was the fact that Severus had apparently had to endure incredible pain over the years - both physically and mentally....The crash on Monday was beyond good and evil, but Severus had already suspected that; the more he used, the worse the collapse afterwards. Then there were the after-effects of his injuries, the pain of which was still very present. He only managed to get out of bed late in the afternoon and barely made it to the bathroom. With his eyes closed, he slowly undressed and got into the shower, only to sit on the floor of it a little later - he was so tired that he couldn't even hold himself up. Somehow he managed to wash and dry himself, and eventually he shuffled back to bed with wet hair, dressed only in boxer shorts.His stomach growled, but he had no strength left to drag himself to the kitchen. A few minutes later he fell asleep, but as usual he was rudely awakened a few hours later until he finally drifted off at dawn, completely exhausted, and didn't wake up again until the afternoon.The effects of the crash and the pain from his fight only lessened slightly over the next few days, and on Friday evening he had to do something; his fridge was now empty thanks to persistent binge eating - his suppressed hunger was slowly but surely returning - and the dishes were already piling up in the sink. If he didn't want to starve to death or choke on dirty dishes, he would have to take something for better or worse, because the exhaustion made it almost impossible for him to stay on his feet, and the depression that had set in as a result of the crash did the rest.
„It remains an exception…“, he said to himself before snorting a thin line. The hoped-for energy boost came shortly afterwards, so the first thing he did was go shopping, then he got himself something to eat from the nearest McDonald’s - although he wasn't hungry anymore - and then set about washing up. Finally, he decided to clean the whole house without further ado, and after the work was done, he treated himself to another line and went jogging. Merlin, how he had missed that burst of energy.As he made his way back, drenched in sweat, he already saw the tabby cat on his doorstep from afar. Severus just groaned; it had been clear that the witch would not give up. He suspected that she had only come back to talk about his problems again. If he hadn't been so damn polite, he would probably have sent her packing. Breathing heavily, he finally unlocked the front door and let her in.
„Hello, Minerva.“, he greeted her, forcing himself to smile. Frankly, he hadn't missed her over the last few weeks.
„Hello, Severus.“, she replied, also smiling wanly. After they had sat down in the living room with a glass of whisky as usual, she asked immediately:„How are you?“
„Fine, thank you for asking.“, Severus said indifferently and put on his poker face so as not to let on that he was lying as usual. McGonagall scrutinised his face carefully for a moment, then she said:
„Severus... I've known you since you were a student. You can't fool me, I can see that you've been struggling with problems for a few months now, although I don't know what exactly they are. You need help, you can't hide that fact from me.“
Severus let out an annoyed sigh and felt the sheer rage slowly boiling up inside him, no doubt fuelled by the effects of the cocaine, waiting to be released. He took a deep breath and swallowed his anger as best he could.
„Again, Minerva, I'm fine. I have no problems.“, he said, trying to sound friendly. McGonagall gave him a sad, pitying look, ignored his attempt to reassure her that he was fine and replied:„Should you... need help in any way, you can always turn to me. I hope you know that.“
What was enough was enough. Severus blew all his fuses.
„I don't need help, nor do I have any fucking problems, and if you don't stop confronting me about this shit, I'll forget myself!“
Severus had shouted. Hadn't realised that he'd jumped up and his face was only a few inches away from McGonagall's face, which had lost all colour. The headmistress pressed herself into the back of the sofa, startled, and in that very moment Severus realised he had gone too far. Far too far. He was not used to such outbursts of anger, it was like the last time... just like in Genesis, even if he had no memory of that event. The remorse was not long in coming.
„Minerva, I... I'm sorry.“, he said in a brittle voice, his expression confused.
„Are you taking drugs?“, Minerva burst out. She knew, of course, that she shouldn't have confronted him directly, but she couldn't keep her suspicions to herself any longer because of what had just happened.
„What?“
„You heard me. I asked if you were taking drugs.“, she repeated, her lips drawn into a thin line.
„No!“, Severus shouted, feigning indignation.
„Then why in Merlin's name have you been behaving so strangely lately?“, she said a little breathlessly.
„I'm not behaving any differently than usual.“, Severus replied hastily, but of course he knew that wasn't true. Sweat was beading on his upper lip; under no circumstances would he admit that she was right in her assumption.
„Go.“, he finally barked. Minerva looked at him, a little stunned, then shook her head.„I said - go.“
Minerva knew that she had no chance of continuing the conversation in any form at the moment, she had already gone too far anyway, and the aura Severus was giving off at the moment was more than clear; she didn't want to mess with him, but she would come back. Reluctantly, she stood up, gave him one last steely look and then disappeared.
Once again Severus took a nose and began to do sit-ups on the floor until his stomach muscles burned like fire, somehow he had to channel his anger. He would never have wanted to give McGonagall a reason to become even more patronising towards him, but it was already too late for that, because she knew. Maybe she didn't know what he was taking, but she knew he was using drugs and probably wouldn't leave him alone from now on at all.Severus spent Saturday in bed again, the crash left him no other choice and was as merciless as ever. He angrily put something on when he was rung out of bed again in the afternoon. Somehow, Severus knew that there would only be one visitor in question; he and Liam had not arranged to meet last week as usual, and Liam had called him repeatedly throughout the week, but Severus had been extremely ashamed after the fight at Genesis. He was still ashamed of it, which is why he avoided Liam as usual.As hard as it sounded, but Severus had no desire to see Liam anyway. All he wanted was to have the weekend to himself to recharge his batteries; after all, he had to go back to work next week and didn't necessarily feel any more rested than he had before he went on holiday. He didn't want to go out, nor did he want to discuss, argue or talk about his problems. Cautiously, he opened the door a small crack and looked sheepishly into the sapphires, which, as so often recently, reflected worry.„Hey, I don't think you can count on me this weekend. I'm ill.“, he croaked playfully, then turned away and simulated a coughing fit. If his mood hadn't been so low, he probably would have had to stifle his laughter at this ridiculously obvious and age-old trick, but luckily Liam seemed to swallow the lie and said:
„That doesn't sound good. If ya need anythin’, just let me know, okay?“
„Thanks, I'll be fine. I’ll see you next week back at work then.“, Severus said, trying to sound extra-suffering, and closed the front door again. That had worked far better than he had expected.
...Liam knew that Severus had lied to him again. Indeed, he looked tired and worn out, but it wasn't the kind of fatigue that someone suffering from a cold would show. Obviously, Severus was currently in a crash, it had been hard to miss, so he had been using again, but Liam had already suspected it. If he didn't find a way to get through to Severus soon... Liam began to tear his hair out as guilt gnawed at him once more. Why the hell had he offered him anything back then? Actually, it was absolutely irrelevant to ask himself that question over and over again, because what had happened had happened. The main thing now was to somehow help Severus out of this predicament with patience and discretion, because it was only a matter of time before something fatal would happen.Although he had spent most of the weekend in bed, as he had originally planned, Severus felt just as shitty on Monday as he had before. It was as if he was no longer able to replenish his energy reserves in any way, at least not without the help of the drug. At this point, he had to admit to himself that he might be developing a serious problem after all. Maybe it really was time to take a longer break again, even if it meant that he had to get through the crash and somehow function during this time, but he saw no other way. Things couldn't go on as they were and Severus knew that he wouldn't break the vicious circle if he used again at the next possible opportunity.The first working day after his holiday just wouldn't and wouldn't go by. In the meantime, Severus kept feeling like he was going to pass out at any moment, but he pulled himself together and it was only thanks to his willpower that he somehow managed to get back to the parcel centre after work without wrecking his van. Liam, who had merely smiled at him somewhat reservedly in the morning and then remained silent, now spoke to him during their after-work cigarette.„Man, ya can barely stand. Are you still ill?“, he asked, although he knew pretty well that Severus wasn’t ill at all.„I... yes. Seems to be something nasty.“, he lied and simulated a short cough.
For the next two weeks, Severus tried to avoid Liam's presence as much as possible - mainly because he lacked the energy for in-depth conversations of any kind. During this time, Severus managed to stay abstinent, but it was unspeakably difficult for him. In the meantime, he had developed a severe depression that was similar in severity to what he had experienced after his release from Azkaban. It was as if a hole had opened up inside him that simply could not be filled; the drug had exhausted all his dopamine reserves and left him with nothing. In addition to his nightmares, dreams of past intoxicating experiences had crept in, after which he usually woke up with an insatiable craving. The lack of sleep, which in turn led to unbearable exhaustion, was by far the worst thing for him. He could have slept practically all day, but his dreams wouldn't let him. Taunted him as he tossed and turned all night, drenched in sweat.
When Severus wasn't plagued by listlessness and gloom, he struggled with unrestrained binge eating because his hunger was no longer constantly suppressed. His limbs ached almost constantly, almost as if he had just come down with a severe flu. The flashbacks were now occurring at increasingly frequent intervals and he was never able to prevent one of them without seriously risking his Occlumency shields collapsing. His aggression had also increased to such an extent that he could barely control it. Severus was finally at the end of his tether, he simply couldn't take any more. His entire existence revolved around his addiction and not giving in to it. To remain strong, even though he didn't believe he could hold out for long....At the end of June, Severus spent Saturday with Liam for the first time in a fortnight. He had openly told the Squib last weekend that he was currently going through withdrawal and was not good company at the moment. Liam had been as understanding as ever, but Severus had a sinking feeling in his stomach as he made his way to Cults in the afternoon; their last real encounter hadn't gone particularly well, and he was still ashamed that he'd gotten into a fight at Genesis a few weeks earlier.„Nice to see ya.“, Liam finally greeted him in a friendly manner, giving the gaunt figure a quick hug and inviting him in. Of course, he had immediately noticed that the younger man was tense and seemed uncomfortable being here. At least he didn't seem as exhausted as he had been for the last few weeks, which was actually a good sign because he didn't give the impression of being high at the same time.
„Why don't ya sit down in the livin’ room? Guinness?“
Severus nodded tentatively, and when Liam returned with two beers in his hand, he wasted no more time and got straight to the point.
„I... would like to apologise for my behaviour over the last few weeks. The seizure, the fight, and the fact that I've been avoiding you for a while now... I've been acting like a total jerk.“, he said quietly, without looking at Liam. The latter frowned and replied:
„I don't think ya did any of this outta malicious intent, Sev.“
„No, but... you've been through a lot because of me, and... I want to apologise for that.“
In a familiar gesture, Liam put his hand on his slender shoulder and murmured:„Don't worry about me. All I care about is that you get along somehow.“
Severus swallowed back the tears that were welling up. Liam was simply far too good for this world. The redhead cleared his throat and withdrew his hand, then he asked:„So... you went through another withdrawal, eh?“The fact that he had been right all along... that Severus had been taking something all this time and had kept it from him hurt him, but he was glad that Severus had obviously been abstinent for quite some time now.
„I... yes. However, the worst is already over. I've been abstinent for two weeks now.“Liam smiled weakly, then said:„I'm glad to hear that, mate. Keep it up.“Severus returned the smile, but said nothing in reply.
„How…“, Liam now began.„How have ya been gettin’ on with the mental healer so far?“„I, well... I've been put on a waiting list. It's very difficult to get an appointment in this department at the moment.“, he lied, feeling terribly. Why had he only told Liam that he wanted to consult a mental healer?„I think that's really great, Sev. The first step into the right direction.“, Liam said approvingly, and Severus found it difficult to look him in the face at that moment. His expression was hopeful, and above all... confident. Severus didn't want to lie to Liam all the time, but he just couldn't face his past yet, especially not now, when he was in the middle of withdrawal....When Severus came home on Sunday evening after an unspectacular but nice weekend and changed his clothes to finally go jogging again after a long time, he felt the next flashback coming on. He didn't even know what had triggered it, but it didn't matter anyway because, as always, he had to let it happen.
The images all came at once, whizzing through his head, leaving nothing but chaos in their wake and ending as abruptly as they had come. Severus frantically buried his fingers in his long, black hair, tears streaming down his face, wrapping his arms around his legs and waiting for the panic attack to finally subside. After about five minutes, Severus stood up with trembling legs and immediately headed for his liquor cabinet. With equally trembling hands, he poured himself a glass of whisky, lit a cigarette and took a large gulp - he would definitely not be jogging today. Apathetically, he stared into space, then tears welled up in his eyes again.
Severus added more and more booze that evening, but despite his increasing intoxication, his mind wouldn't completely calm down, so he didn't sleep for a second that night and the next morning he had no choice but to call Duncan and report in sick. Working in traffic required a high level of alertness and a quick reaction time. Driving in this condition would have been more than negligent, as he would probably not have been able to react quickly enough in the event of an unforeseen situation.
By now he was so tired and exhausted that he had almost fallen asleep sitting up, not to mention the hangover he had. Severus couldn't remember exactly, but he must have drunk more than one bottle of whisky last night. He struggled to peel himself out of his clothes from the previous day, pulled on jogging bottoms and a T-shirt and crawled into bed. The leaden tiredness had now driven the memories of yesterday's flashbacks from his mind.
Shortly after Severus woke up in a cold sweat from one of his intoxication dreams around mid-afternoon and the enormous craving almost made him lose his mind, his phone rang. Annoyed, he pulled the duvet over his head and tried to ignore the ringing, but eventually got up and sprinted down the stairs.It was Liam, enquiring how Severus was doing because he hadn't turned up for work today. The former spy told his friend without further ado that he had had a migraine and would be back tomorrow. Tired, he staggered back to bed a little later and stayed there for the rest of the day.As tired as ever, Severus somehow managed to get through Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday... fortunately his job had a certain automaticity to it, so he could concentrate mainly on not having an accident. By Friday, he was definitely ready for the weekend, which he would have preferred to spend exclusively in bed, but as usual, he'd managed to talk himself into spending it with Liam. It would probably amount to another evening at The Den, because as much as they missed Genesis, they both realised that Severus would risk a relapse.
„How are ya doin' with your break at the moment?“
Apart from the cravings that are driving me crazy, the increasing flashbacks and the fact that I'm severely depressed - fantastic, Severus wanted to say, but he stifled the sentence.
„I'm fine.“, he finally said.
Liam let out a soft snort. There it was again - the platitude that Severus used regularly. He found it hard to accept that the Slytherin was still playing down his problems and not asking for help. You could clearly see that he was in a bad way and was suffering from his withdrawal, but his hands were tied. Talking to Severus about his problems could always lead to him withdrawing even more, and Liam didn't want to risk that.…On Monday, Severus was so exhausted that he almost dragged himself to the parcel centre on all fours. His head was full to bursting and at the same time he was so tired that he even fell asleep for a few seconds behind his steering wheel. Around midday, he had no choice but to stop off at the nearest petrol station to squeeze in two cans of Red Bull, after which he at least felt a little more awake than during the first half of the day. His unbridled anger returned along with his energy, just waiting to be released again. An opportunity presented itself when Severus once again had the pleasure of meeting Mr Townsend in the afternoon, who was anything but pleased about the fact that he was once again desperately waiting for a parcel. Somehow, Severus could understand Mr Townsend’s frustration to some extent, but it wasn’t his fault that some parcels arrived late – after all, he could only deliver what he was sorting in the morning, and the logistical processes behind that all were none of his business.
„For fuck's sake, can you even manage anything in this bloody company?“, Mr Townsend snarled indignantly, and when Severus opened his mouth to retort, he rumbled:
„You wait here.“
Only moments later, he returned with a small boy in tow. Obviously his son, because the child had the same snooty look on his face as the Englishman.
„Take a good look at that man, James. If you keep bringing home bad grades, that's exactly how you'll end up.“
Of course the boy's name had to be James... He stared at Severus pejoratively, then looked shyly at his father, who finally let him go. Of course, Severus knew that this absurd notion had only served to humiliate him as much as possible, and he definitely didn't have to put up with it.
„You know, I'd like to have better things to do than carry parcels up the arse of posh snobs like you, but there has to be someone to do this shitty job, and unlike you and your offspring, I'm not above getting my hands dirty.“
This announcement had obviously hit home, because Mr Townsend stared at Severus open-mouthed, obviously unable to get a word out. When he had regained his speech, he shouted:„I won't be talked to like that! There’s going to be a hefty complaint, and I will personally see to it that you are fired, you’ll see!“Severus merely let out a somewhat maniacal laugh and snorted:
„Go ahead. Do what you can't help doing.“
No more Mr Nice Guy. He had tried long enough to remain friendly, but he couldn’t allow himself to be treated like this. If the arsehole would file a complaint… Severus couldn't have cared less, and knowing Duncan, his boss would just laugh about it instead of firing him.The other customers were also increasingly getting on his nerves, and the following Saturday Severus was so exhausted that he had to cancel his weekly meeting with Liam, again claiming that he had a migraine. He spent the rest of the weekend in bed, staring at the ceiling and brooding to himself. Sometime towards Sunday evening, he dozed off again and woke up a little later from an intoxication dream, and when his craving became so strong that he could hardly stand it, he decided to force himself to go for a jog to distract himself somehow. Just before he reached the cliff, he felt the next flashback coming on.
…
Potter and Diggory had been gone for quite a while. Far too long, if Severus had his way. Something didn't seem right here and his intuition had been telling him all day that something was up; that something was going to happen. Whilst sitting in the stands with all the other spectators, he suddenly felt the burning, stabbing pain in his left forearm. A pain that seemed all too familiar, but whose intensity he had almost forgotten after all these years. His heart skipped a beat and he secretly harboured the ridiculously absurd thought that he was only imagining the burning. Beads of sweat stood out on his forehead and, unnoticed, he pushed one of his sleeves up a little - his mark was glowing bright red. He could only swallow the rising nausea with great effort. He had been watching the outline of the mark become clearer and clearer for a while, but now it had actually happened - the thing he had feared the most and had known was inevitable: the Dark Lord was back. Severus knew that this meant he would have to rejoin this monster on Dumbledore's orders to spy for the resistance. This had once been the condition for Albus to vouch for him and he would not have to spend the rest of his life in Azkaban. Inwardly, he was almost breaking with fear, outwardly he had put on his perfectly fitting mask as always. After what he felt was an unbearably long time, the pain slowly subsided and shortly afterwards Potter appeared, along with Diggory's lifeless body. Severus had the feeling that he was stuck in a nightmare.

Hours later, he was on his way to the Riddle estate. Everything that had happened in the last few hours - the death of a student, Barty Crouch Jr, who had pretended to be Mad-Eye for the whole school year and had been kissed by the Dementors, the fact that he had had to expose his mark to Cornelius Fudge - he could think about that later. The only thing that mattered now was his perfectly illusioned mind, which was not allowed to show anything of his true loyalty. Nothing that indicated in the slightest that he was betraying Voldemort. If he failed, the Order would lose its spy and the chances of ever defeating the lord would dwindle considerably. Severus could not prevent himself from mentally preparing to die a slow and painful death. He was let in by Wormtail, to whom he gave an icy, menacing look, causing the rat-like man to flinch violently. Before he could even look into the scarlet eyes for the first time in over a decade, the Cruciatus hit him. He had fully expected this. For minutes he writhed on the floor with cramped limbs, but made no sound. When the lord finished the curse, Severus stood up, smoothed his robes and fell humbly to his knees.

„You are finally back, mylord. How I have longed for this day all these years.“, he lied.

Voldemort, visibly unimpressed, snarled angrily:

„What took you so long?“

„As a teacher, it was simply not possible for me to arrive earlier, mylord. Especially not after Potter came back with that Diggory brat. I…“

The Cruciatus hit him again.

„Silence!“

Once again, Severus stood up and forced himself to look Voldemort in the eye, whereupon he rudely entered the Death Eater's mind, looking for signs of betrayal but finding none. Unconsciously, he scrutinised the dark wizard and couldn't prevent himself from shuddering inwardly; the Dark Lord hardly looked human anymore. Instead of a nose, there were only two slits, similar to a snake's, he appeared to be competely hairless and every vein was visible through his white, parchment-like skin.

„Why have you never looked for me, Severus?“, Voldemort finally now asked indignantly.

Severus knew that it didn't matter what his answer was, the lord would not be satisfied with his answer either way.

„There was no clue, my lord. No one knew where you might be. Had there been even the slightest sign…“

The force of the Cruciatus was so violent that Severus flew into the wall. He heard a crack and felt a few of his thoracic vertebrae break, but he didn't let the pain show.

„There were enough signs!“, roared Voldemort, and the black-haired man couldn't remember ever having seen him so angry.

„Very well, Severus, very well... you are not the only one who has deeply disappointed me…“, he continued, whispering theatrically now, and Severus saw that Lucius Malfoy and Walden MacNair were already lying unconscious on the floor, while the other Death Eaters were standing around anxiously.

„You're all nothing but pathetic failures. I really expected more from you, but I'll take you back into my circle because you have to take what you can get.“

It was not a question of Voldemort's goodwill; once you had joined him and been marked with the Dark Mark, you had to serve him forever and ever. Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Severus knew that he was in for a truly terrible time. He would endure it, for the greater good. For Harry Potter. For Lily. For all the people who had died because of him and for all those he had been unable to save.