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Rei nudged the figure on the ground with one foot. It didn’t move. She crouched, hands on her knees.
Now that she was closer, the man on the floor was breathing, back rising and falling in the dim light. Some of the tension left Rei as she watched, waiting for his breath to falter or slow, but it never did. Rei glanced back over one shoulder at the woman in a white coat standing over her. “He’s alive.”
”Should I call for medical?” The woman replied, seemingly unphased.
Rei poked at him with her index finger. “Commander, if you don’t react, Dr. Akagi is going to have to call for help. And then someone might see you like this.” Her voice was gentle, if slightly monotone.
There was a beat of silence, then the Commander’s head turned slightly on the tile. One of his eyes was visible now; he’d taken off his glasses before he’d evidently fallen. “Don’t, Ritsuko.”
Rei could practically hear Ritsuko radiating disapproval, even before she spoke. “Gendo, what if you hit your head? Don’t be stupid. It’s better to be seen like this than die of an aneurysm a day later. NERV needs you.”
When Gendo didn’t reply, Ritsuko exhaled, a sharp sound of irritation. “
Yui
needs you.”
That managed to coax a reply out of him. “I didn’t hit my head.” His tone was slightly defensive, and sounded strange coming from an almost 50 year old man. Fuyutsuki never sounded like that, and he was even older than the Commander. Rei sat fully on the tile now, resting her chin on her knees, and watched him.
Ritsuko’s voice faded to background noise. The Commander looked exhausted. His expression was blank, listless, like it usually was when he got drunk. As Rei stared, his visible eye slowly closed. Fascinated, Rei began to count his eyelashes.
”Are you even
listening,
Gendo?” Ritsuko snapped, almost yelled, and it brought Rei back to reality. She stood suddenly, and heard the sound of Ritsuko’s heels as the other woman took a surprised step back.
Rei turned to Ritsuko, studying her expression. She knew her own, knew how it unsettled Ritsuko to see such a disinterested look on a child. It was something she’d been aware of since being taken from her sisters for use as a pilot. Ritsuko had a puzzled scowl on her face, one that was steadily fading into uncomfortable confusion the longer that Rei looked at her.
When Ritsuko was practically squirming, Rei broke eye contact, satisfied. She glanced back at Gendo. “I’ll take care of him.” She met Ritsuko’s eyes again, red on faded green, challenging her to object.
Ritsuko’s painted red lips flattened into a thin line. Rei knew she was cycling through objections—
”You’re too young!” “What if he needs medical attention?” “It isn’t right! It should be me!”
But it wasn’t Ritsuko who had persuaded Gendo to finally respond. And both of them were aware of that. Or, in Ritsuko’s case, uncomfortably aware.
Ultimately, Ritsuko couldn’t find an adequate comeback. With a slight scoff, she turned on her heel, stalking out of the apartment door and slamming it behind her.
Rei waited patiently, staring absentmindedly at Gendo’s hair. One hand found his back. She stroked it lightly, the way she’d found to be most effective.
After a moment, Gendo tilted his head again. His face looked barren; he was missing his usual yellow-rimmed glasses. “Is she gone?” He asked hoarsely. Rei could feel how tense he was under her hand, through his shirt.
“She is, Commander,” Rei replied. Her hand stilled, resting in between his shoulder blades. “It’s safe to get up now.”
“Please, call me Gendo, Yui. Why do you always call me Commander?” Gendo’s eyes closed again. “It’s embarrassing. We’re married. You don’t have to be so formal.” He sounded tired beyond reason. Rei blinked, then nudged him firmly, grasping at one of his arms. “Come on. Let’s get up.”
It took a few tries, but Rei finally got the Commander on his feet. It was hard to support him; he was almost two feet taller than her. However, Rei managed to persuade him over to the couch, helping him to lay down. Gendo all but collapsed.
When he looked up at her, his gaze was blurry and unfocused. His eyes only vaguely met hers. “I miss you, Yui. Please.”
Rei refused to allow herself an exhausted sigh. Outwardly, she managed to remain composed. This was a little game of theirs, one that seemed to happen every time the Commander was intoxicated. Typically, she would have given him more attention, but when Rei tried to fold into his arms, this time he lightly held her at a distance.
“No. No…Yui, please talk to me.” Tears glistened in Gendo’s eyes, and his breath was catching. Not wanting him to find motivation to get up and consume more alcohol, Rei took a seat between the couch and the coffee table, watching Gendo warily.
“Talk to you about what?” She asked softly. Obediently. She loved him, and this was her duty, as his creation.
“Anything.” Gendo’s eyes slowly closed, a tear drifting down his cheek. Rei reached out and wiped it away. “How we met. I feel like I’m forgetting. I can’t forget that, Yui. I can’t forget you, or why even bother living?”
Next to him, Rei froze, an ice-cold statuette of a little girl. She studied the Commander closely, watching his breathing, hoping he’d fall asleep. Yui was an ideal, an object of his obsession. He’d never spoken of her as a person before. Rei didn’t know how to play the part of this suddenly-real Yui. She could barely play the part of a person at all.
After a moment, however, Gendo’s eyes opened again. He looked distressed, and still stared through Rei like she was a ghost. “Yui? Are you there? Please don’t go. I’ll do anything.”
Rei’s mind raced. She couldn’t leave him like this, desperately reaching for the soul of a person that couldn’t reach back. Somehow, she had to channel Yui, bring him back to Earth.
Finally, a solution presented itself. “I think I’m forgetting, too. I’m sorry. Is there any way you could help me remember?” Rei thought for a second. Yui seemed to have been gone for a very long time, so she added, “It’s been a while.”
Gendo was silent for a while, but his distress seemed at a stable level. When he spoke at last, he was hesitant. “Your diary is in your office, Yui. I know you wrote about us there. But I can’t get it. Will you get it for me, Yui? And read that entry out loud?”
Rei cocked her head, relieved that she could finally be of service. “Yes, sir–Gendo. Where is the diary, so I can retrieve it?”
But Gendo was muttering to himself, curled into himself as much as he could be on the couch. Totally unresponsive. Every now and then, Rei caught snippets of phrases, references to the ever-elusive Yui. The woman she was meant to be.
So, Rei picked herself up off the floor, and scanned the apartment. If he couldn’t help her, she’d have to find the office herself. She was most familiar with the open-floor kitchen and living room, with one arch leading to a hallway lined with rooms. However, as far as she knew, there were only three.
When no additional doorways presented themselves in the living room, Rei left Gendo on the couch and began to investigate the hallway. As she suspected, there was only a bedroom, an office, and a bathroom.
The bedroom was as barren as the rest of the apartment. One side of the bed was a mess; the other side was perfectly neat and folded. Rei knew it was Yui’s. She was allowed to sleep there every now and then.
However, the only doorway it boasted led to a closet. A pang of frustration ran through Rei as she closed the door and searched the other rooms.
The bathroom was empty save for scattered generic hygiene products. Nothing feminine remained; Rei knew Ritsuko wasn’t allowed to sleep over at this apartment. Most of the time, Gendo went to her. Still, nothing. Definitely no diary.
The office had seemed promising at first, but as Rei searched it, she couldn’t find the diary. It was a mess, not at all neatly organized. It had confused Rei–She’d expected Yui to be more organized, in a motherly way. However, she eventually realized that all the documents she stumbled across were signed with Gendo’s name, not Yui’s. It must have been his office.
Sighing, Rei backed out of the room, softly closing the door. As she walked back to Gendo, she resigned herself to the fact that the diary wasn’t real, or if it was, he had destroyed it with the rest of Yui’s belongings.
As she was trying to figure out what to tell Gendo, she passed a full-length mirror in the hall. Out of the corner of her eye, something dark caught her attention.
Confused, Rei turned. Her hair was light gray-blue, her skin pale. The uniform she wore was blue as well. Nothing dark should have appeared in the mirror.
And yet, when she made eye contact with her reflection, a stranger stared back at her.
Rei jumped back, covering her hand with her mouth roughly to stifle a yelp. Her reflection did the same–but it wasn’t her. Instead, a young woman in a long lab coat and purple sweater mirrored her every move. Light green eyes blinked back at her. The woman’s haircut was similar, although parted differently, longer, and a mid-shade of warm brown.
Cautiously, Rei dropped her hand from her mouth. The reflection did the same. Rei waved. Again, her mirror image repeated the motion.
It wasn’t part of the Commander’s order. Rei had no obligation to search any further. The office didn’t exist. That was it. That’s all it would ever be. However, something drew Rei forward, until she was gripping the sides of the mirror, nose to nose with the stranger in her reflection.
The mirror moved.
She was able to easily lift it and set it to the side, revealing a door identical to the others lining the hallway. Rei tilted her head. Against her every instinct, she felt a spark of curiosity.
And so, Rei turned the knob, cautiously opening the door. She was met with an immediate smell of dust and mildew, strong enough to make her cough.
Waving the scent away, Rei took a step across the threshold. Seemingly of its own accord, the door slammed shut behind her.
The sound made her jump again, and she glanced over her shoulder, but her attention was quickly drawn back to the contents of the strange room she found herself in. Everything was covered in a layer of dust; cobwebs dripped from a desk lamp, and graying books neatly lined the desk itself.
It was an office, perfectly frozen in time. Rei let out a soft sound of wonder as she crept across the carpet, staring wide-eyed at file boxes stacked almost to the ceiling. A moth-eaten lab coat was tossed over the office chair.
On the desk, at the very center, a small notebook sat. It was completely free of dust, but somehow seemed undisturbed. A certain stillness surrounded it that made Rei afraid to breathe, afraid to disturb the enshrined silence.
That has to be it. I’ll get it for him, and leave.
Rei’s thoughts swirled, but she attempted to focus on her mission. She reached out to pick up the notebook, but was briefly distracted by a blurry picture in a frame that sat next to it. No matter how she tried, she couldn’t make out the subjects. Trying was giving her a headache, so she just picked up the notebook.
A jolt of static ran through her all at once, almost causing Rei to drop the diary. However, she gripped it tightly, refusing to let her muscles betray her. After a moment, she cautiously tapped the cover with her thumb. No static.
Rei shot a glance over her shoulder, back at the door. She remembered the figure she’d seen in the mirror and shuddered.
Gendo is waiting for me, but…I should look inside to make sure I have the diary and not some random notebook.
Cracking open the cover, Rei felt a spike of some unidentifiable emotion as she saw the inner cover signed in faded ink.
This diary belongs to Yui Ikari. Return for a reward.
It really did belong to Gendo’s deceased wife. But was it the right diary? Maybe she’d kept more than one…so Rei flipped the page.
The entries started very suddenly. Each one seemed to be titled with the most notable event that occurred. The first one was titled,
“I met someone today.”
Abruptly, Rei stood, snapping the diary shut. This was the right one, it had to be. An uneasy feeling had begun to overwhelm her.
Gendo is waiting for me. I have to go back to him.
Rei headed for the door robotically. This time, the dust and cobwebs seemed melancholy, not mysterious, like the room wasn’t an office, but a tomb. In some ways, Rei thought it might be. And she needed
out.
Clutching the diary in one hand, Rei turned the doorknob, expecting to be greeted with the familiar hallway of Gendo’s apartment. Her heart was racing, like she’d just run a mile as fast as she could. It was hard to breathe.
What met her, however, wasn’t Gendo’s apartment.
Instead, she was met with hundreds of chattering people, the smell of cafeteria food, and a deep and unsettling sinking sensation. Someone turned to look at her, then went right back to eating. It was daylight. Rei could hear cicadas.
As Rei scanned the scene, stony faced and as frozen as she’d been when Gendo had asked her how Yui had met him, she came to a conclusion like burning fire.
I’m not supposed to be here.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It took Rei a second to realize that her nails were digging into her palms, so hard that when she relaxed, red crescent moons were left behind. She stared down at them blankly for a while, letting the noise of the cafeteria wash over her.
“Excuse me, miss?”
Someone was talking to her. Rei dropped her hands, turning her head towards the voice. An older man stood there, a concerned expression on his face. Next to him was a yellow bucket with a mop in it. Rei’s eyes fixed to the bucket until the man spoke again.
“Are you alright? I have to get to the supply closet…Are your parents here?” He asked, scratching his head. Rei blinked at him. “I don’t have parents,” She said calmly. “Where am I? This isn’t Nerv.”
The old man stared at her, then barked out a laugh. “You’re pulling my leg. This is Kyoto University, the most prestigious school in the country.” He winked at her. “I don’t know about Nerv, but the next thing you’re going to ask is what year it is, aren’t ya?”
“Why would I ask that? I know what year it is,” Rei replied. “It’s 2015.” Her brain was still struggling, pushing back against the idea that she’d somehow teleported across the country.
This must be a dream, but I’ve never had a dream like this before.
“2015? Ha! Do you see any flying cars?” The janitor chuckled. “I’ll play along. It’s 1998, sweetheart.”
Rei’s heart skipped a beat. She hesitated, wavering, before bobbing into a quick bow to the janitor and hurriedly walking the opposite direction. Behind her, the man called, “Seriously, are your parents here?!”
She ignored him.
When Rei made it to the far wall, which was covered in windows, she stopped to catch her breath. The feeling that she’d run too far hadn’t gone away; if anything, it had gotten worse. She dimly recognized it as panic, but she wasn’t sure what to do to help alleviate the sensation.
The Commander was nowhere to be found. Ritsuko wasn’t, either. Rei was alone, in a strange and unfamiliar time and place, with no way of getting home. From across the cafeteria, she watched the janitor open the door she’d come from. Over his shoulder, she could vaguely make out a small room, filled with cleaning supplies. It clearly wasn’t Yui’s office.
A heavy weight against her thigh had been bothering Rei since she entered this dream world, and she glanced down, touching a lump in her pocket. Oh—The journal followed me here. Why?
Wouldn’t a dream be nonsensical? To be fair, in many ways, this was, with mysterious doorways and traveling through time. And yet, the details themselves made sense. Rei could pick out any flaws in the paint on the walls of the cafeteria. If she were to look behind her, she could look out on what appeared to be university lawns. And the notebook, Yui’s diary, had found its way to her pocket, instead of disappearing into the mists of this strange fantasy.
Gently, Rei retrieved the diary from her pocket. She cracked the cover open once more, scanning the first page.
“I met someone today. 6/7/1998.”
The location wasn’t listed, but Rei wasn’t stupid. A burning hum filled her head as her eyes found the first line of the entry.
“Today, I managed to meet Gendo Rokubungi. I’ve had such a hard time tracking him down. It’s almost like he’s avoiding me, but he can’t avoid me now that I know where he sits at lunch. It was such good luck that I ran into him in line—”
“Excuse me…Are you lost?”
A voice, unlike any Rei had ever heard. Unlike the Commander. Unlike Ritsuko. Unlike anyone she had ever interacted with. It was almost angelic, each word dripping with genuine concern. Whoever it was really did want to help her, Rei could feel it in her bones. Her ruby eyes darted from what she was reading, and were almost immediately met with a soft forest green.
The woman in front of her was barely taller; Rei was short, standing at 4’8”, and the woman had to have been under 5’0” as well. She wore a cute purple cardigan over a dusty pink button-up dress. The colors clashed slightly, but somehow suited her well.
She had a slight smile on her face, crinkling the edges of her striking green eyes. Her brown hair fell to her shoulders, bangs swept back and framing her cheeks. Unlike many others in the cafeteria, she held no lunch tray. Instead, she studied Rei with abject curiosity, fidgeting with her hands.
Rei realized then that Yui Ikari was younger than she was expecting. She didn’t look anything like the mother Gendo had described her as. Instead, she looked like just another college student.
“Are you alright?” Yui asked, clasping her hands together. Rei choked on her words, struggling to find her voice. It took her a second to respond. The whole while, Yui looked at her with concern.
Finally, Rei took a deep breath and managed to address her.
I need to know her better, so I can play the part.
“Do you know Gendo?” She asked. “Gendo Rokubungi. Do you know him?”
Yui looked taken aback. She glanced around as if she were expecting someone to be nearby, then leaned closer to Rei. “I know of Gendo. Are you…” She hesitated, assessing Rei. “His…relative?”
“No,” Rei said flatly. “I know him. He takes care of me.” She watched Yui react, recoiling very slightly away from Rei. “I didn’t know he had a ward,” She said, sounding surprised. “How old are you?”
“Fourteen,” Rei replied shortly. “You know him. How do I help him?”
“F-Fourteen?” Yui blinked. “I’m sorry, I don’t know him that well. We’ve never been introduced. I wish I could help more. Is he sick?”
Rei stared at her, heart sinking.
She hasn’t met him yet. I’m too early. What should I do? I can’t leave without knowing more about her. I have to know more about her.
“No, he’s not sick,” Rei said carefully.
I have to get out of this conversation. I can’t keep them from meeting.
“I have to go now. Goodbye.”
I need to get out of here, but I have to know what happened, too. I need to find a safe place to watch.
“Oh! Okay. I hope you’re alright.” Yui gave Rei a confused little wave as Rei dashed off again.
Despite finding a place to hide and watch the cafeteria entrance, Rei felt completely exposed. Sitting alone may have even been a worse choice than sitting with others, given how out of place she already looked and felt.
I don't even know when the Commander will arrive. What if he doesn’t come? What if my conversation with Yui disrupted things? If they never meet, how will I learn to play her part?
It was already jarring enough to be dropped in an unfamiliar location in an entirely different time—But to be greeted with
the
Yui Ikari was something else entirely.
Yui was an act she knew she had to put on at times, not a living, breathing person that she could talk to and interact with.
Regardless of the tangle of complicated thoughts, her head perked up as soon as a tall and gloomy man entered the cafeteria. Several people glanced up at him nervously before returning to their meals.
Commander Ikari.
Rei almost stood, but managed to restrain herself, remaining firmly planted in her seat. Even still, her blood red eyes tracked Gendo across the room, towards the meal line. As she watched, Yui disconnected from a group of people she was talking to a moment later, and headed for the meal line as well.
It was unclear whether or not it was intentional, but the result was that Yui stood behind Gendo in line. Rei stared.
Gendo, the Commander, requested a meal. Although she couldn’t hear their voices over the hum of activity within the room, Rei saw Yui’s face fall—She’d clearly wanted the meal Gendo had received.
Yui took a different meal and sat down a few rows down from Rei. The young woman glanced back at Rei, expression puzzled, but was quickly distracted as Gendo appeared by her side, shoving his lunch towards her. The pair talked, and Yui eventually swapped her meal for his.
Although Rei couldn’t hear them, their body language was clear. Rei felt a pang of some spiky and strange emotion as she watched Yui subtly lean into Gendo, closer to the older man. Her expression shifted from trepidation to admiration, and Gendo’s face softened as they continued to talk. Yui seemed to have persuaded him to sit with her.
The feeling worsened when Gendo finally smiled, a small and hesitant smile in response to Yui’s laughter. Rei was sure it must have been lovely to make him react like that.
Lunch crawled by, and Yui seemed to only grow more infatuated with the Commander. It was like Ritsuko, the way she looked at him, only softer, full of love. They’d barely met, and she already seemed to trust him. Rei mentally took notes; the expression Yui gave him had to be something she could learn to replicate.
Eventually, Gendo stood, taking his empty tray, and said something to Yui. Yui startled, then fished around in her pockets, producing a pen. She scribbled something Rei couldn’t see onto a napkin and handed it to Gendo. Gendo stared at her for a moment, before taking the napkin and walking to return his tray. To Rei’s amazement, he didn’t throw it away before exiting the cafeteria; instead, he pocketed it.
Rei stayed in one frozen position, watching the entrance to the cafeteria like a hawk. So, when someone sat down next to her, it came as a complete surprise. Rei made a muffled yelp, almost falling off the cafeteria chair.
Yui had sat next to her, green eyes wide with worry. “Oh no! I didn’t mean to scare you, are you okay?” She asked hurriedly.
Blinking at her owlishly, Rei righted herself, and gave Yui her coldest stare. The spiky feeling hadn’t gone away yet and seemed to be deepening into resentment.
Why does she get to have him at his best, and not me? This is her fault, for dying, and leaving him behind.
It didn’t last long, though. Yui leaned back, chewing on her lip and looking slightly upset. “I’m really sorry. Did I do something wrong? I just wanted to talk to you.”
“No. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Rei replied. It was hard to stay mad at her when Yui was giving her the most pitiful expression she’d ever seen.
Almost immediately, Yui brightened. She gave Rei a small but knowing smile, one that was almost unsettling. “So, I met your ‘guardian’ just now. I’m sure you saw that, didn’t you? You were watching us the whole time.”
Rei just stared at her. Yui continued.
“I asked him about you, although I didn’t point you out from the crowd. I asked if he was taking care of any girls your age, and he seemed very confused. I don’t think he’s ever heard of you.” Yui leaned in, her grin widening. “So…Who are you? What are you doing here? How did you know that Gendo and I would meet today?”
“What?” Rei asked, scared into speaking. The fear she felt was unusual, unfamiliar. She touched on it briefly, before returning her attention to the young woman next to her.
“I asked you how you knew Gendo and I would meet and talk today. You lied to me about your relationship to him. Why?” Despite the blunt questioning, Yui’s expression remained open, friendly, inviting Rei to respond.
The fear settled into panic. Rei’s expression closed off. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” She replied frostily.
“Oh, but you do,” Yui said, leaning closer. “You don’t have to worry, you know. Your secret is safe with me.”
What if I mess something up? What if the choice I make here impacts the future? Can I risk that?
But Yui was looking at her wide-eyed, and she was so close that Rei couldn’t think rationally. She was being crowded in the friendliest and least hostile way imaginable, but it still had the exact same effect.
“I’m not supposed to be here,” Rei blurted out, slightly louder than intended. She covered her mouth with her hands. Yui waited, shifting slightly, seeming impatient, so Rei followed through at a quieter volume. “I’m far away from home. I don’t know how I got here. Is this real?”
Yui blinked, scanning Rei quickly, then laughed. Rei understood suddenly why she had managed to make the Commander smile; her joy was contagious. It still irked Rei; did Yui not believe her?
However, after a moment, Yui calmed down and wiped a tear from her eye. “Sorry—That was just so funny. I’m pretty sure what you’re experiencing is real, although what is reality but subjective to the point of view of the individual?”
”You could say that,” Rei said cautiously after thoroughly processing that bizarre statement. “You don’t seem surprised.”
”I work in the fields of bioengineering and metaphysical biology. After a certain point, you learn to accept the impossible.” Yui traced a finger on the plastic table. “Are you from a different time, then, too? You didn’t say how you knew Gendo.” She tore her gaze from her hand and looked up at Rei. “I’ll have to question you on your method of travel. Do you have a place to stay?”
Another barrage of questions. “How I know Gendo is unimportant for now,” Rei replied, trying to sound as stern as she could. Surprisingly, Yui seemed chastised. Feeling slightly bad, Rei continued. “I am from the year 2015, in the future. And I can show you how I got here, if you want.”
A moment later, the two of them stood outside the janitor closet. Yui folded her arms, studying it. She leaned forward, knocked her fist against the wall surrounding the door, and hummed, seeming dissatisfied. “It doesn’t sound like there’s any hidden machinery around the door. Are you sure this is where you came from?”
”I think so.” Rei’s voice had softened, uncertain now.
What if I’m wrong?
”Well…There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?” Yui replied. She walked up to the door and tugged open the handle with ease, then stood, frozen. Rei peered around her shoulder and couldn’t help but let out a little gasp.
Beyond her was Yui’s study, in pristine and dusty condition, right where a broom and mop should have been.
”Is this where you came from?” Yui asked, glancing down at Rei. She was pale, clearly putting on a stoic front for Rei’s sake. It was useless; Rei had been around enough distressed adults to know when someone was upset.
Struck by an idea, Rei grabbed Yui’s sleeve, looking up at the young woman with ferocity. “Come with me. Please.”
Then she’ll be happy, and the Commander will be happy.
”I don’t think I should.” Yui’s voice, full of sadness, caused Rei’s heart to sink. “I’m needed here, where I am.” She hesitated. “I wish I could, though.” She sounded so full of voracious curiosity that Rei almost smiled.
As it was, Rei let go of her sleeve and nodded. Yui glanced around, then back to Rei. “You better go now, before anyone notices us.” She gave Rei a surprisingly brave smile. “You know, I never got your name. Will you ever come and visit?”
”I don’t know. Maybe,” Rei replied bluntly. Her voice softened. “My name is Rei. Rei Ayanami.”
”Well, Miss Ayanami, I hope to see you again soon,” Yui said.
The last impression Rei had was of Yui’s face, displaying mild confusion and sorrow, before the door closed behind her.
And then she was alone. Back in the study of a person dead for eleven years, who she’d just had lunch with. Rei stumbled and fell forward, landing on the carpet.
For a moment, she just lay there, watching a tiny spider make its way across the carpet a few inches from her face. When it got too close, Rei dragged herself to her feet, and fished the diary out of her pocket. She opened it to the first entry, scanning the text.
“I met someone today. 6/7/1998.”
“Today, I managed to meet Gendo Rokubungi. I’ve had such a hard time tracking him down. It’s almost like he’s avoiding me, but he can’t avoid me now that I know where he sits at lunch. It was such good luck that I ran into him in line. We talked a little about our respective projects. I also asked him if he had a child…he said no, which was interesting.
I also made a friend today. I won’t say her name, but I hope she’s doing well. Wherever she is. She said she wasn’t from around here, and after today, I believe her.
What mysterious forces are at play in the world that humanity is incapable of ever truly understanding?”
It was real, after all.
Closing the diary, Rei picked her way across the room to the door. To her relief, when she opened it, she was face to face with Gendo’s hallway, not another realm. She glanced down at the cover of the diary, then back down the hall.
It was time to relay what she’d learned.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“…Rei?”
A low voice, confused, startled Rei into movement. She’d paused within the threshold of the office door, mind still processing what she’d just gone through. Rei looked up, stepping through the door in surprise. It closed with a loud
bang
behind her.
The Commander stood at the end of the hallway. Rei went for the diary, eager to show it to him, but—It was gone. It wasn’t in her hands, her pockets, on the floor, anywhere. Rei turned and placed her hand on the door handle, intending to search for it.
It must have fallen out of my hands—
“
Rei!”
The voice wasn’t low anymore. It was raised, almost a shout, one filled with anger and betrayal. “What do you think you’re doing?!
Why were you in her office?!
”
Rei flinched back against the door, eyes glued to the man down the hall. He wasn’t drunk anymore; he didn’t look unsteady, just upset. As he approached her, Rei plastered herself further against the door.
Did I do something wrong? He asked me to get the diary. I got the diary. What did I do wrong?
”I was following your orders, Commander,” Rei replied, but she almost immediately felt guilt and shame sear her stomach.
“My…My orders? I ordered you to go into her private place? I wouldn’t…I…” The Commander still looked furious, but closed his eyes, adjusting his yellow glasses. He appeared to be taking deep breaths. “Did I really say that?”
“Yes, Sir,” Rei whispered, that same awful combination of embarrassment and guilt continuing to burn her up from the inside out. “You did. You asked me to get her diary.”
The Commander’s cerulean eyes opened, and he uttered a low and unintelligible moan of pain and resignation. He slowly shuffled towards the wall, then slid against it, stuttering in places before he came to rest on the ground. “I believe you. That diary was burned, Rei. I’m sorry. I sent you on an impossible task.” The Commander ran a hand through his short dark-brown hair.
“But I–” Rei started, before thinking better of it. She crept closer to the older man before joining him where he sat on the floor. She leaned sideways against his arm, and he didn’t flinch or move away. “There’s no need to apologize, Sir.”
For a moment, neither of them seemed to breathe. Rei could fantasize freely about being his daughter, detached completely from Yui’s legacy. About having a family.
But after that moment, Gendo’s face fell into his free hand. He hung his head. “I didn’t…I didn’t, right? Try to…?” The completion of the sentence hung over the two of them. Both of them knew well what he meant.
The spell was broken. Fighting disappointment, Rei responded from her place at his side. “You just called me by her name, Sir. You didn’t do anything else.”
“Good, good…” Gendo dropped his hand from his face and stared into space. “I can’t ever do that again, Rei. I can’t. You’re not her. I…I can’t.”
“Isn’t that what I’m here for?!”
Rei wanted to scream. She wanted to pull her hair out, to act her age, to throw a teenage tantrum, but she couldn’t. All she could do was sit there, head against his shoulder.
“If I can’t be your daughter, I might as well be the next best thing!”
He didn’t love Ritsuko. His heart still belonged to Yui, who was now all too real. It wasn’t fair–Rei was well aware of what she was meant to be, that she was a mere shadow of Yui Ikari, only fourteen. She was well aware of her purpose, to keep Gendo Ikari sane.
And if the only way to do that was pretending to be Yui, doing the things Yui did, then that was that, end of discussion. It was what she was made for.
The Commander did this regularly; he’d go through days of thinking Rei was his wife, treating her as if she were, and then some switch would flip, shame would leak in, and he’d be at her feet apologizing. Ritsuko knew, but kept her mouth shut. Rei was proud that she could do her duty so well, but wished that the position could be full-time.
Otherwise it was confusing. Who was she? What was she? What was her purpose? If Gendo didn’t want her, why did she exist?
“How did you and Yui meet?” Rei asked suddenly, then shut her mouth tight, glancing up at the figure beside her. The Commander had gone very still, staring off at the opposite wall. “Why do you want to know, Rei?” He responded, each word coming out slow and careful. Guarded.
Rei hesitated. “I want to know more about her,” She said firmly, looking away from the Commander’s profile. “Will you please tell me?”
The Commander hesitated, but something made him give in to her request. Maybe it was guilt, maybe a need to talk to
someone
–But he sighed, and began to speak.
“It was in the university cafeteria. Kyoto University. I usually sat alone, but…I don’t know.” Gendo looked away. “This girl in a really colorful dress was next to me in line. When I got the last lunch of a certain set, she seemed to get really upset.”
“I ended up feeling kind of…bad. I felt bad that she couldn’t get the lunch she wanted. I didn’t want her to have that sad expression on her face. So I walked over to her table and offered her my lunch.”
“And she asked you to sit with her?” Rei asked. With the diary gone, it was impossible to prove that her adventure had actually happened. As Gendo talked, though, everything seemed to line up with what she’d seen.
Gendo gave her a confused look. “Yes, she did. I said no at first, but she was…” He hesitated. “Persistent.”
He looked back at the wall, seeming unable to face her. “I finally gave in to her demands, and sat down across from her. She offered to share her lunch, but I refused, and she respected that, at least.”
The Commander laughed softly. “After that…She just started asking me about everything imaginable. My work, mostly. The things I did with one of her friends, Mari.” He paused. “If I had a child. It was weird, but she was charming, and when she laughed, I felt like I couldn’t help but be happy with her.” Gendo’s fragile smile broke, and his head dropped back into his hands.
“Losing her was the single worst thing that’s ever happened to me, besides…Well. It was the single worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” His breath seemed to catch, and Rei reached out hesitantly, running a hand along his back.
This time, Gendo flinched away. He glanced down at her, momentarily bewildered, then looked devastated. “Don’t, Rei,” He said, voice shaky, but firm in its tone. “Don’t touch me like that. Please.”
Rei dropped her hand, confused, but remained hunkered down beside him. Without touching him this time, she watched him slump against the wall and sob.
Her mind returned to Yui, delicate and beautiful, and extremely dead. Rei had come eleven years too late, but a plan slowly began to coalesce in her mind.
Can I go back there, into her office? Can I see her again?
Somehow, I have to keep her from leaving him behind.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Rei?”
”Yes?”
”The backup isn’t working out. I need you again.”
”Yes Sir.”
The fluorescent lights overhead flickered past, one by one. Sometimes, they shook with the force of a distant explosion. Rei laid in her bed, and schooled herself to ignore the pain radiating through her body.
The activation experiment had been a disaster. Rei still remembered the familiar tang of blood filling her mouth as her entry plug filled with LCL, the world going dark as her EVA was disconnected from reality, unable to be stopped except with force.
Nothing had made sense. Rei had been dimly aware of her EVA’s fists,
her
fists, slamming desperately into the observation window overlooking the experiment. Her heart had been beating so fast, it felt like her whole body was on fire. Why? Why had it tried to attack the observation portal? It was a miracle no one except herself had been injured.
Her entry plug had to be forcibly ejected from the EVA, and its resulting flight had resulted in multiple broken bones. She was still alive, though. That was all that mattered. The Commander wouldn’t have to be alone.
Now, an angel was attempting to attack Tokyo-03, and the backup-up pilot, the Third Children, hadn’t worked out. It was a shame. Rei’s mind drifted.
”Rei, the Third Child arrives today.” The Commander is worried. Although it would be hard for anyone else to tell, Rei has spent months with him. She knows.
“Your son, Shinji?” She asks. The Commander seems to flinch, but only slightly; he only acts this vulnerable around her. Rei feels briefly ashamed for taking advantage of that, but her shame diminishes as the Commander replies, recovering quickly from her question.
”Yes, my son. He is around your age. I haven’t seen him for years.” Rei can’t identify the emotion in the Commander’s voice, but she knows it’s there. “He will pilot Unit-01, so we don’t have to rush you out in Unit-00, or in Unit-01 without the proper tests.”
”So…He will not undergo the proper tests?” Rei asks. Her voice is steady, devoid of emotion. Gendo doesn’t hesitate this time. “He will be fine. I can’t risk your life again, so soon.”
And Rei is happy, because it means that the Commander cares.
The noises of the battle above the Geofront only increased as they moved forward, eventually coming to rest within a massive chamber. Rei could tell, because of the echoes, so she opened her eye. Sure enough, a lofty ceiling greeted her. She could feel the presence of others in the room, and when she tilted her head, a boy was standing over her.
The expression on his face was distasteful; terror, distress, and anger. His brown hair was the same shade as the Commander’s, although his skin was lighter in tone. No…Rei blinked. His hair color was familiar, but was not the Commander’s. It was like Yui’s, slightly warmer in color.
His teeth were clenched, as were his fists. His blue eyes, so familiar, were wide as they stared into her bandaged face. The boy let out a whine of fear and stepped back from her, but she didn’t know why. Maybe it was the EVA, Unit-01, whose head loomed over the both of them. Rei turned away from her.
Rei needed to get up to enter the plug, so she tried then, shifting in the gurney and attempting to prop herself up. A sharp pain stabbed its way through her ribs, and although she outwardly didn’t let out a sound, it was hard to prevent her expression from crumbling. She stopped to rest, panting.
The whole time she was aware of Shinji’s gaze, fixed on her body, covered only by the plug suit.
At that moment, a massive
boom
echoed throughout the chamber, followed by a vast shaking that sent a tremor through the catwalk they were on. Rei managed to glance up to where Gendo stood before the world tilted around her.
”Watch out!”
Someone cried.
Spikes of pain shot through her body as she was thrown from the gurney, sliding to a stop next to Shinji. He’d crouched, and crept over her, but when he looked up, the blood drained from his face. Rei only had a brief moment to see a rain of debris heading towards them when the pair were suddenly cast into darkness.
Something had covered them, shielding them from the debris. Through a red haze of pain, Rei could make out five fingers, sheathed in a protective purple and black armor. The EVA had shifted to protect them both. Rei blinked slowly, the pain fading slightly as she became lost within herself.
Gendo told me a long time ago about how Yui died, about her connection to the EVA. Could it be that…?
Someone was shouting. “The EVA moved! What the Hell?!” Another man, unfamiliar, responded equally frantically. “Its right arm broke free from its restraints!”
Ritsuko was speaking now, her voice shaky. “What? That can’t be! It doesn’t have the entry plug inserted!” Rei tried to twist to look at her, but hissed as another flare tore through her broken limbs. “It reacted without any interface connection—Or was it trying to protect him? Shinji, this will work!” Captain Misato replied, speaking equally to Ritsuko and Shinji.
Shinji was looking down at her now. Rei realized suddenly that he had scooped her up; she was nestled in his arms, blood from her bandages staining his pristine white shirt. He was muttering something. “I mustn’t run away. I mustn’t run away. I mustn’t run away.”
Rei didn’t speak, just held the other boy’s eye. His blue eyes, so much like the Commander’s, were filled with tears. Rei didn’t know his story. She didn’t know what had transpired before she arrived. So she gave him a tiny nod, body shuddering with the effort. Shinji’s eyes widened, then he looked up, towards the Commander.
“I’ll do it. I’ll be the pilot!” He said, through gritted teeth. Rei, who had tensed, relaxed as much as she could. Although she would never have failed the Commander, the thought of piloting with her injuries was daunting.
That may have been the point, though,
Rei realized as medical staff pulled her from Shinji’s arms, placing her back in the gurney.
The Commander wished to show his son that I was the only alternative. With my injuries, there isn’t any way he could have said no in good conscience.
The thought was disturbing. Although Rei could acknowledge that it was a necessary sacrifice, the image of Shinji’s deadened blue eyes and haunted expression wouldn’t leave her head. It was a necessary sacrifice, yes, but what was the cost?
As Rei was taken from the room, she turned her head slightly, looking back not at Shinji, but at the EVA being prepared for launch. Her closest eye was open now, a brilliant emerald green, alien, yet somehow comforting. Time seemed to slow as Rei met her eye. A massive tan eyelid slowly blinked, obscuring her eye from Rei’s view. Rei blinked back, and then she was gone.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Yui, what have I done?”
Rei sat as neatly as she could atop perfectly folded blankets. It hurt to tuck her legs underneath her, but everything hurt, so she remained in position, stroking the Commander’s hair.
“Sir—“ “Don’t call me that.” “—Gendo…You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s okay. You’re doing the right thing,” Rei soothed. Gendo was staring at the ceiling, and although he wasn’t crying, Rei could tell he was upset. “I have faith in you, in what you do. It’s okay.”
”Then why did you do that?” Gendo asked. He closed his eyes, and Rei sighed. The Commander had been erratic since the deployment of Unit-01 several days prior. Shinji had been mentally scarred, and the EVA itself came back almost destroyed. The salvaging process was still underway.
Rei still felt her wounds, but the Commander had needed her, so when he’d invited her to his apartment, she’d come. She wore a cast on one arm, bandages over one eye and around her head, but she’d come.
She was sitting on Yui’s side of the bed now. It was one of those times, when the edges between reality and fiction blurred for the Commander, when he thought Rei was his wife. As usual, Rei played along. It disturbed him, otherwise.
“I had to, Yui. I had to send him away, or SEELE would have used him against me. They have to think I do not love him. And…And there was no other way to persuade him to pilot. I had to,” Gendo mumbled, half to himself, half to Rei. Rei pet his hair some more. “I understand. I’m not angry with you,” She reassured him, the whole time thinking,
What would the real Yui have thought of all of this?
The obvious answer was that she would have wanted Gendo to be safe, so Rei continued. “What did I do wrong? Let me know, so I can fix it.”
”You tried to kill me. You let the rubble fly at me. It’s a miracle it didn’t break the glass.” Gendo turned further away from her.
“It wasn’t on purpose. I was protecting Shinji, Gendo. Our…” Rei hesitated. “Our son.” The words felt foul and false coming from her mouth, even more than any other lie she fed him. She remembered Shinji’s eyes on her once more.
”I see…” Gendo was silent for a while. The quiet stretched on longer, and longer, until Rei realized that Gendo had fallen asleep. He was breathing softly, so she picked up her hand from his head and slipped off the bed. Rei straightened the blankets on Yui’s side. She
wouldn’t be sleeping there that night.
For several minutes, Rei wandered the apartment aimlessly, ignoring the increased pain in her ribs and broken arm. Her vision was impaired without the use of her right eye, so she ran into furniture several times. Eventually, she gave up, sitting down on the couch.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Shinji, and she didn’t know why. Every thought seemed to trace back to the boy who’d held her with so much kindness. Gendo had done that, after the activation experiment. He was kind, too. But he also allowed Shinji to pilot, untested, resulting in injuries.
Rei chewed on her fingernail.
Maybe Yui would know what to do about all of this, how to handle him. But I can’t tell her everything, or she’ll be too worried about him. I can handle it, for now.
And yet…
Maybe if I told her about everything happening now, she would be alive when I returned to the present. No…What if she didn’t want to be with him anymore? What if she misunderstood how he treated Shinji? I have to find another way to persuade her.
Either way, maybe Yui would have answers. Maybe Yui could explain Gendo’s behavior. Maybe Rei could take care of him so well, he wouldn’t need Yui back.
A few minutes later, Rei was standing in front of the mirror, once again face to face with a mismatched reflection. The Yui in the mirror followed her every move down to the minutiae as Rei set it aside to gain access to the door behind it.
The door handle opened easily as Rei tested it, to her surprise. She had expected Gendo to have locked it after the prior incident. Sure enough, as she stepped through the door, the smell of cobwebs and dust hit her.
This time, the desk beckoned to her as if lit like a beacon. Rei beelined for it, ignoring the rest of the office in favor of the desk, and, more importantly, the familiar diary resting on its surface. The door slammed behind her, but she barely reacted.
I need answers.
Rei picked up the diary, flinching slightly at the static racing across her palm as she held it in her hands. Her hair felt like it was standing on end. Rei glanced back at the desk, studying the picture frame that had rested next to the diary. It was still too blurry to make out, so she ignored that too. Instead, she counted to ten in her head.
When she reached ten, Rei put the diary in her pocket, and hesitantly walked towards the office door. As her hand reached for the door handle she paused, considering.
I wasn’t ordered to do this. What if the Commander is unhappy with me again?
But no matter how much Rei argued with herself, no matter how much she
shamed
herself, the part of her that wanted to help stood resolute against all excuses. Even though the Commander hadn’t asked her, she knew it was her duty, and so, she turned the handle, opening it to reveal…
“
Ahh!
”
Rei was met with a small room, lined by two beds and two desks. At the end of the room, there was a window and dressers. It was an unfamiliar format; Rei was used to Gendo, Ritsuko, and her own apartments, not something meant to be shared.
That wasn’t what caught Rei’s eye at first. A single person inhabited the room, and had sprung up from their desk and screamed, knocking over their chair.
Green eyes blinked at Rei owlishly, one of them surrounded by eyeliner, mascara, and purple eyeshadow, and the other one barren. Familiar brown hair styled into a mullet was teased and fluffed up, framing a pale face colored by a pretty pink embarrassed flush.
Rei stared unabashedly at Yui, who wore a deep wine-purple dress that only came down to her knees. She had high-heels on, too, like Ritsuko’s. Her dress exposed more of her than most of Ritsuko’s outfits, though.
Yui relaxed slightly as she seemed to process Rei’s presence, even peering behind her into the office. Rei stepped fully inside the room and closed the door as Yui dragged the chair back upright. “Whew! You scared me,” She said breathlessly.
“I scared you?” Rei asked, bemused.
I don’t think I’m that scary. I’m shorter than her.
“Yes! You’re like a ghost, just appearing in my dorm room as you please.” Yui glanced down at her outfit. “And this wouldn’t be my choice of clothes if I’d known you’d be meeting me today.” She took in Rei’s casts and bandages, her expression falling. “What happened to you?”
Rei stood still, faced with a choice.
Lie, or tell the truth.
She opted for the lie.
“I was bullied at school. I don’t get along with my peers,” She said blankly. “They physically assaulted me, so I need to wear these casts until I’ve healed.”
Looking taken aback, Yui’s expression twisted into a frown. “That’s horrible. Has anyone stood up for you? You mentioned Gendo…You must know him, from the future. Has he helped you at all?”
“Yes,” Rei lied. “The perpetrators have been punished.” Yui relaxed, looking relieved. “I’m very glad to hear that he’s standing up for you.”
Yui sat back down, gesturing for Rei to sit as well. Rei sat primly in the chair opposite Yui, looking up at her. “The dress is for a date,” Yui admitted finally. “I know, it’s so flashy. But Mari–My roommate,” She explained, “Mari picked it out. Said it would make me irresistible.”
“You’ll never guess who asked me out,” She added. “Gendo asked to go on a date with me. Isn’t that interesting?” Yui sounded delighted.
A date? Gendo is going out with her?
Logically, it made sense. Yui was Gendo’s wife; of course they had dated. But a spike of jealousy still surprised Rei. Trying to ignore the sensation, Rei picked up one part of the conversation. “Your roommate’s name is Mari?”
“Yes, Mari Makinami. Have you heard of her?” Yui was back to carefully applying her eyeliner. “I’ve heard she’s famous. It makes sense; she is a child prodigy after all.”
“I have heard of her.”
Gendo mentioned once that he’d worked with her. So she knew both him and Yui, then.
“Where did you hear about her from–?” Yui started, before being interrupted by a rhythmic knock on the door. From outside came a muffled yell. “YUIII, who are you talking to? Did that old man come to pick you up?! I don’t want him on my side of the room!”
“Mari, come in! I have a visitor!” Yui called back before Rei could stop her. She sank further in her seat, trying to seem unnoticeable, expression blank. It was one thing for Yui to know her, to know her secret. It was something else entirely for another person to become in on it.
A girl about Rei’s age, maybe a little older, burst through the door. She had long brown hair that cascaded down her back, and piercing blue eyes. She dashed to the bed and deposited her backpack, before spinning on her heel to face Rei. Her eyes darted between Rei and Yui.
“Sooo, Yews, what’s this? A new girlfriend I wasn’t aware of? She’s a little young for you, don’t you think? And what’s with all the bandages?” Mari teased Yui, whose expression of moral outrage elicited a laugh from the younger girl. “Kidding! I know you’re not like that.”
Girlfriend? Girls can date too?
“She’s not my girlfriend,” Yui muttered. “She’s something better, which I would tell you about, if you would just
listen.
”
“Something better? Did you get married or something? Were there baseball bats involved? And you didn’t invite me to the wedding?” Mari pouted in Yui’s direction.
“No! No,” Yui backpedaled frantically as Rei sat and stared up at the two of them. Mari was taller than both her and Yui, which she found slightly intimidating given the girl’s wild energy. “No, it’s something scientific.”
“Oh, so pure carnal–” “Mari!” Yui snapped. “Not. Like. That.” She paused from her eyeshadow to glare at Mari, who giggled and sat down on her bed. “I last ran into Rei in the cafeteria, where she told me she was a long way from home.”
Rei winced.
“I didn’t realize how long she meant until she revealed to me that she’s from the future, from 2015” Yui beamed. “Isn’t that exciting?”
Mari turned to Rei. “Has she been drinking? Like, did you see her put alcohol in her mouth?” Rei shook her head, confused.
Does Yui drink?
Mari turned back to Yui. “Look. Yews. You realize that’s crazy, right? With our current scientific knowledge, that’s not possible.”
For some reason, Mari’s questioning of Yui elicited a deep and uncontrollable response within Rei. She found herself wanting to defend the older woman, to stand up for her, to prove her right. So she stood, ignoring the pain from her wounds, fishing out Yui’s diary from her pockets. “She’s telling the truth. I have her diary here, with entries in it from the future.”
Mari looked unimpressed. “Can I like, see?”
Yui shook her head before Rei could respond. “No, Mari. I don’t want anyone to see those entries. We can’t do anything to destroy this timeline.” She hesitated. “And, Rei…I didn’t realize you had those. Please keep them safe for me.”
Rei returned the diary to her pocket and nodded. “I will.”
“Good. Mari, if you trust me at all, trust me on this. I’ve seen her leave this world with my own eyes.” Yui shook her head. “I’m sure she’ll leave the way she came this time, too.”
Mari’s cheerful expression slipped into something more serious. “If what you’re saying is true, Yui, the implications…” Yui and Mari shared a glance full of complicated emotions, too complex for Rei to decipher.
Forcing a laugh, Yui returned to adding the finishing touches to her makeup, swiping a brush of pink lipstick across her lips. “Well…” She checked a watch on her wrist and paled. “Oh my gosh, I’m late.”
Rei blinked. “You should leave, then. Don’t keep Gendo waiting,” She said. Mari wrinkled her nose. “Actually, do keep that creepy jerk waiting.” Rei glared at her, then looked to Yui, who had stood and grabbed her purse.
“Please tell me how it goes,” Rei said quietly, realizing suddenly that what she’d come for, she hadn’t received. Advice. She hoped Yui knew what she meant; the diary hung heavy in her pocket.
Yui nodded, giving Rei a smile, then tossed Mari a half-hearted glare. “Play nice while I’m gone,” She said. Mari rolled her eyes, but gave the older woman a thumbs up. “Will do.”
And then Yui was out the door, leaving Mari and Rei alone. There was an awkward silence. Rei stood, bowed to Mari, and headed for the door, wincing as she had to walk with her injuries. Suddenly, someone was there, propping her up. Mari’s smiling face was inches from hers. Rei jerked back, surprised, but Mari kept a gentle grip on her.
“Are you going now?” Mari asked curiously. “Yui doesn’t usually lie, you know. I’m curious to see how this works, even if I can’t come.”
Mari was touching her.
Someone besides Gendo was touching her deliberately.
Rei blinked, shocked. Mari’s hands were warm against Rei’s exposed skin, and she shivered slightly as she met Mari’s unwavering ocean blue stare.
Something strange and unfamiliar seemed to well up within her, a far cry from the spiky sensation of jealousy. Rei carefully pulled away from Mari, who let her go now. Their eyes never broke contact as Rei moved. “I have to leave now,” She said, and Mari nodded, giving her a grin.
Rei walked up to the door, paused, then looked back at Mari. Mari gave her an encouraging thumbs up.
“Goodbye,” Rei said finally, and turned the handle.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I went on a date! 1/9/1998.”
“Earlier this week, Gendo finally asked me out. I was surprised it took him so long, but not upset at all. It was amazing! He was such a gentleman the whole time, nothing like the rumors say. Everyone says he’s a loser, a complete delinquent, but that couldn’t be farther from the case. A good friend of mine asked me to let her know how it went, and I can’t wait to tell her.
We went to a little cafe. He got black coffee; I got something more fun. We talked the whole time about our work, everything. I even told him about SEELE, my family. All the pressure and expectation placed on me every day.
It’s weird thinking about the future, though. Will I still be with him? What if someone reads this? What will they think of me? Why would they have my diary to begin with? All these questions will probably keep me up at night, but I hope to see my friend soon.”
Rei closed the diary and replaced it on the desk, not bothering to try to take it out of the grave stillness of the office. It would have just disappeared, anyways.
She took a moment, breathing in the dust and musty air, a heavy feeling settling over her like a blanket of cold. For a moment, Rei could almost picture Yui working in the office, sitting at the desk, fussing with the papers. Almost as quickly as it had come, the vision was gone, and Rei was left alone again.
It really was getting cold, so she left the office. Thankfully, Gendo wasn’t waiting down the hall this time; Rei guessed he was still sleeping as she replaced the mirror.
Now, though, she had something to work with. Material to go off, something to help her play the part of Yui Ikari to her fullest extent. Rei crept down the hall, quietly pushing open the door to the bedroom. It was hard, working around her casts, but she made do.
“Gendo?” She called softly into the darkness. For a moment, nothing; then the lump on the other side of the bed stirred. “Yui…?” It called out sleepily.
“It’s me,” Rei said, adopting Yui’s soothing tone. “I’m here. I just…Got up for a moment, but I missed you Comma– Gendo.”
There was another second of silence. “Come here, Yui. I missed you too.”
Rei carefully crawled onto the bed, wincing at the pain from her still-healing broken bones. It hurt, but it was worth it, as Gendo rolled over and gathered her up in a hug. “Yui,” He murmured into her ear. “Please don’t leave again.”
“I won’t,” Rei replied, letting out a mechanical imitation of Yui’s beautiful laugh. It seemed to work on Gendo, though; he squeezed her tighter, sending a sharp spike of complaint from her broken ribs. “I love you so much. So much,” He mumbled into her chest.
“I love you too,” Rei said, voice stiff. For some reason, the attention, usually so comforting, was wearing on her. It was different; now, she wasn’t playing the role of a character, but rather a real, living person. Someone who had been alive. Someone who called her their friend in their writing. Would Yui want to be her friend now? If she saw Rei with her husband?
She’s not here. I am. She’d understand. Right?
Gendo reached up, staring up at her with glazed eyes, running a hand against Rei’s cheek. “You’re so beautiful,” He murmured. “You’re always so beautiful.”
Rei flinched as his hand neared one of her bandages. His other hand was still around her waist, pulling her against him. Panic seemed to swell in her lungs and she felt like she would burst. It was conflicting, fear and something like happiness all at once.
She tried to grin and bear it, to remain still as his hands began to wander, but after another minute, she couldn’t stand it anymore.
Wriggling out of his arms, Rei inched back on the bed. Gendo tried to follow her, making a noise of confusion, but Rei held out her hands. “Stop,” She managed, and to her relief, he did, although he looked upset.
“Yui? Is everything alright? Did I do something wrong?” He looked like a kicked puppy. Rei felt slightly bad, but held her ground. “No,” She said, trying to take on that soothing Yui tone again. “I just…Needed a break, that’s all. Is that okay, Gendo?”
“Of course,” Gendo said, a little bewildered. He hung back and watched her in the dark as Rei steadied her breathing, and gave Gendo a brave smile.
“Why don’t we talk about something instead?” She suggested gently. Gendo nodded. “Whatever you want, Yui.”
Before Rei could speak, however, a loud banging came from the front door. She could hear it all the way from the bedroom, through the closed bedroom door. “Gendo Ikari, open this fucking door! I know you’re in there,” A female voice yelled. Gendo closed his eyes, looking pained. “Why won’t she leave me alone?” He mumbled.
Ignoring Gendo, Rei slipped off the bed, heading down the hall. She plastered her usual blank expression on her face, hiding her anxiety behind the mask.
Rei opened the door. Ritsuko stood there, sopping wet, looking pissed off. Her sour expression only worsened as she looked down at Rei. For a moment, there was silence between them, broken only by the sound of the downpour outside. Finally, Ritsuko bit out, “Can I come inside, then?”
Five minutes later, Rei was perched on the little table across from the couch, where Ritsuko sat. Ritsuko held a steaming mug of coffee, and Rei held one filled with tea and honey. Ritsuko had angrily insisted on making her something while she made the coffee, talking over any of Rei’s refusals. So, tea.
Ritsuko was the first to speak. “He’s being a baby again, isn’t he.”
Sipping her tea, Rei didn’t reply, just stared at Ritsuko from underneath her eyelashes.
This is why he doesn’t like you,
She thought, but didn’t say.
“I don’t understand why he gets like this. Yui’s been gone for 11 years now.” Ritsuko took a long drink from her coffee, not seeming to care that she was venting to a 14 year old. Rei listened, begrudgingly, because although Gendo didn’t
like
Ritsuko he did seem to
care
about her, which meant that Rei had to care somewhat too.
“It’s so stupid, that he won’t see me. I’m his girlfriend.”
I don’t think it’s that formal
, Rei thought. “Did he seriously tell me to go away? That he wouldn’t even talk to me?” Ritsuko laughed sharply, and there was a hint of desperation in her voice.
“He did.” Rei set down her mug. “He doesn’t want to see you, Ritsuko. He’s having one of his episodes.”
He doesn’t need you, he needs me. You could never be her. I can.
Even though Rei hadn’t said those words out loud, they hung over the two of them like a dark cloud. Ritsuko’s cheeks had colored slightly, and she breathed out slowly, disguising her discomfort by taking another drink from her mug. When she lowered it again, her face was expressionless, except for the two spots of color high on her cheeks.
“Why you…?” She whispered. “You’re just a child. You’re not really Yui, you never could be. Surely he understands that.”
Rei stayed silent, and Ritsuko gazed at her hopelessly. “He doesn’t, does he. I don’t think he’d understand it even if I tried to explain it to him myself,” She said. Her red lipstick had stained the rim of the mug.
“I don’t want him to understand,” Rei said quietly. “He doesn’t need to.”
Ritsuko suddenly slammed her mug down onto the table next to Rei, causing Rei to jump slightly. She stood, staring down at Rei with an expression filled with grief. “He’s a grown man, Rei. He can’t live in fantasy forever. I know
you
know that, at least, no matter how much you try to deny it. He won’t be yours forever.”
Rei looked up at Ritsuko, eyes wide at her outburst. Ritsuko wavered, then broke eye contact first as usual. She glanced over her shoulder, down the hallway. “I’ll check on you later, Gendo. Let me in yourself next time instead of sending Rei to do it!” She snapped, then stormed out the door, back into the rain.
It took a moment for Gendo to come out from the bedroom, but Rei waited, and sure enough, he walked into the living room. His short hair was wild, and his new sunglasses were crooked on his face. Rei looked up at him, and knew.
“Rei,” He said, voice rough. “Ritsuko was here. Why?”
“She wanted to see you, Sir,” Rei replied, taking a seat on the couch where Ritsuko had been minutes earlier. “I think she wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“That I was okay.” Gendo ran a hand through his messy hair. “What did you tell her, then?”
Rei shrugged. “Nothing much, Sir. Just that you didn’t want to see her.” She left out the rest of the conversation, deeming it unimportant.
He doesn’t need to know all the things Ritsuko said about him, about me, about Yui. It would only distress him.
Gendo nodded. “Good, good,” He said absentmindedly, sitting down next to Rei on the couch. He looked at his hands, folded in his lap, then up at Rei. His blue eyes were filled with fear and disgust behind his glasses, not unfamiliar emotions. Rei recognized them well.
“You didn’t do anything,” Rei said, voice numb. Normally, she would have been disappointed, but tonight… “You don’t need to worry, Sir. You didn’t hurt me.” She ignored how her injuries had felt when he’d grabbed her earlier.
“I remember some of it, Rei. You don’t need to lie.” Gendo’s eyes were on the ground now. “I did enough.”
Watching him, head hung, Rei was reminded suddenly of the way she’d seen Yui look at him, the way Yui had talked about him, the way Yui wrote about him in her journal. Her voice was always filled with so much care, so much love.
Do I feel that care for him? Do I feel that love?
“You’re ashamed,” She said finally. “You’re ashamed of me. Why?” Rei moved closer to Gendo on the couch. “You’re always ashamed, but only to me. You’re so confident with everyone else. Why?”
Gendo looked at her like she’d grown three heads. “Rei, why wouldn’t I be ashamed of how I behave around you? It’s like I lose track of everything important to me when I’m with you, when I think you’re…” He cut himself off. “I never want to hurt you, but I know I do.”
“But you don’t hurt me,” Rei said, frustrated. “You’re nice to me. You treat me like a person. Ritsuko treats me like what I am, like an experiment.”
“I…” Gendo’s face dropped into his hands, and he took a deep and shuddering breath. “I’m not nice to you, Rei. The way I treat you, that isn’t me being kind. Ritsuko is much kinder to you than I will ever be.”
“What do you mean?” Rei asked hesitantly.
Gendo looked like he wanted to continue, but stopped, shaking his head. “No, not right now. I can’t explain. I still feel disoriented,” He said. Abruptly changing the subject, he picked up the coffee mug from the table, where it was still steaming. He stared down at the lipstick stain. “So she really was here. It wasn’t some weird dream.”
Rei just watched him wordlessly.
He sighed heavily. “I’ll have to make it up to her somehow later, I suppose.” Gendo turned to Rei. “She’s one of the most important faculty we have, and the only one who understands her late mother’s work.”
“Naoko?” Rei asked. “I remember her.”
Gendo looked at her. “You shouldn’t,” He said sharply. Rei shook her head. “I do. All I remember is that she had dark hair, and she looked like…” She paused.
I forgot. He doesn’t know that I know what Yui looks like now, that I’ve seen her in person. He’s never shown me pictures.
“She looked like Ritsuko,” Rei managed, and Gendo seemed satisfied. He frowned, staring off at the far wall. “That still shouldn’t be possible, but…Please let me know if any more of those memories resurface, okay?”
He wrapped an arm around her, pulled her closer, and hesitantly planted a kiss on the top of her head. Rei was still, her heart beating loudly in her ears.
“I’ll take the couch. You take the bed,” Gendo said finally, and for a moment, things were
normal.
She could pretend again that she was his daughter, that she had a family, and that all was right with the world.
And then– “You’ll need to prepare for LCL treatments tomorrow to help treat your wounds.” The spell was broken. Rei detached from the couch and headed to the bedroom, looking one last time over her shoulder. Gendo was standing alone in the darkened room, but he met her gaze.
“Goodnight, Rei.”