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Oh, what a fucker.
What a pretentious, cocky asshead.
Stupid jock.
Stupider than stupid.
«You see what I mean, right? I appreciate your attention, Hyuck, and our date was really cute, but... I don't want to lead you on. Mark is so... you know? I think it's something special.»
Hana fixes her fluffy hair and walks away, a whiff of flowery perfume that Donghyuck always found a bit too strong flooding the air around him. The girl's shoes are clacking towards the crowd of her friends, who exchange whispers and look at him pitifuly –they know for sure that he got dumped just now.
Yeah, what a pity, indeed.
A pity that they'll be pitying her next, when Mark inevitably has enough of getting in Donghyuck's hair and breaks it all off.
Because it's never special with Mark, he doesn't even like them. He only asks a girl out if Donghyuck expresses even molecule of interest in her, and, being a stupid jock he is, immediately wins over. He's been doing it for almost two years now, and, the worst thing of all – it always works.
Mark waves at him all smug when they bump into each other in the reading hall. He doesn't say anything, but even just a thought of what he could say is enough for Donghyuck to feel his insides boil and wave back with a middle finger.
***
«I can't fucking stand him! — Donghyuck whisper-shouts, and winces when Jaemin still glares at him pointedly, nodding to the side where his little nephew is playing with legos – Sorry. That dickhead did it again, can you believe it? Hana isn't even into jocks, she told me that herself!»
«Well, Mark isn't just a jock, – his friend shrugs, distractedly tapping on their script with a pencil – He's charismatic and intelligent. And a business major. I'm afraid she doesn't have to be into jocks to be into Mark.»Donghyuck clicks his tongue, but doesn't try to argue. The boy knows it's useless, anyway, because the friends he complains to about Mark Lee are kind of his friends, too. They never pick sides.
Jaemin is not so bad, though. Unlike the other guys, he at least admits that this feud with Mark is not one-sided, that Donghyuck isn't just imagining it.
«Whatever. If she thinks sucking his stupid face is worth it, that's on her. It's not like I'm heartbroken, just annoyed. – Donghyuck huffs, he finally opens his own forgotten copy of the script, ready to revise – Actually, maybe I should let that idiot win and just start dating boys again.» – he adds with a scoff.
The boy flips through the pages, searching for the line that they left on this morning, and after more than ten seconds of silence – longer than it normally takes Jaemin to either laugh at his self-deprecating joke, or come up with his own, funnier one – looks up.
«What?» – he squints his eyes with a pout.
«Nothing. — Jaemin answers, suspiciously amused – Maybe you should start dating one particular boy, – he shrugs – The one who won't dump you for Mark.»Donghyuck smirks playfully, having his own good match in mind. «You mean you?»Jaemin only rolls his eyes.
***
They met through Jeno in their first year, naively unaware that the rest of their friends already knew each other, too.
They clicked well, shared not only friend groups, but also very particular music favourites, love for dumb jokes and soulful food. Their chemistry was exceptional. For like, a month.
Mark was cool, alright, hot, popular, friendly, and everyone's wet dream. And Donghyuck didn't mind that at all, he wasn't a jealous type of person. He wasn't insecure. But it was one thing having someone constantly worshipped by everyone (and aware of it) as a friend, and another – as a competitor.
It wasn't even that serious at first: just a petty tug-of-war. Donghyuck liked Yumei – a cute econ major with porcelain skin and melodic laugh, feisty enough to handle his temper and witty enough to get his jokes. He liked her, and she liked him, and they kissed on the first date and went to the karaoke on the second, and Donghyuck was happy.She was fun to be around – everyone thought so, when Donghyuck introduced her to his clique, even Jaemin said she was a delight (after they bonded over gay dramas and talking shit behind everyone's backs).
But Mark – for the longest time Mark barely paid her any mind, only to suddenly... switch the settings one day and become the most welcoming dude around.
Jealousy has never been Donghyuck's first instinct, so he didn't think anything of it when Yumei started hanging out with his friends even without him present. The boy didn't question her intentions, nor anyone else's – suspecting anything sketchy would be ridiculous. Impossible.
Except it wasn't, Donghyuck soon realised, when he found her and Mark kissing in the kitchen at a party of some nameless frat bro – one of Mark's teammates.
It stung for about a week, and then stung some more when at the next party Jaemin caught Mark flirting with someone else, no Yumei in sight.
It was nothing, really – nothing but an ego trip of a self-obsessed jock, Donghyuck knew that well.But it left a permanent scar, anyway.
***
It takes a bit of whining and self-compromising, but eventually Donghyuck comes up with a foolproof plan to outwit Mark Lee for good.
He doesn't waste time sulking over Hana – he can only wish her to be okay after Mark soullessly yet politely wipes her out of his memory. Maybe the experience will do her some good, even. Being a pretty girl in the world of petty men must be tough.
Distracted from an essay that has been begging for a painless demise for way too long, he texts a couple of people – friendly, but not close enough to question his personal life.
One of them is Mina – a girl who knows every nice guy on campus but never dates any of them – an unbiased, reliable source.
can I ask for a little favour – Donghyuck texts and winces, thinking that he can't sound any more suspicious after not talking to her for three months since she participated in Jaemin's latest play.
not if you need me to play a lesbian cinderella again – she replies, always straight to the point.
Donghyuck grins, reminded of how many gasps that plot-twist caused among the audience. When Jaemin founded their independent, queer-representative, non-conformative, experimental theater – he meant business.
don't worry – he's quick to deny – all i need is a guy's number, it won't cost you much
His smile widens when he gets a smug emoji and a typing bubble in response.
Just you wait, Mark Lee.
Life will put you in your place – very very soon.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
Two days later, he plops down right next to Jeno, a satisfied grin on his face and a tray of food in his hands.
«I think I just secured myself a boyfriend.»Jeno looks up from his lunch, cheeks protruding so cutely Donghyuck wants to pinch them. «Already? What about that gamer girl?»
Donghyuck frowns at the reminder, but quickly pulls himself together, too excited to share fresh news. «Oh, Hana? I guess I forgot about her, too busy texting... Jung Sungchan.»
The other chokes on the chocolate milk, spraying it all over his plate.
«Sungchan? Our Sungchan? I thought you didn't date jocks?»
Donghyuck rolls his eyes, opening the plastic lid of his salad. «He's cute, so I don't mind. If I become too picky, I won't find anyone at this point. There's only so many non-straight non-assholes around, you know?»Jeno ponders it over for a little bit, picking up his sandwich and taking a bite. «Well, – he starts, chewing – Sungchan is a good guy, I know that much. And he doesn't do hook ups, so you two have potential.»The boy shows all of his teeth at that – «Of course we have potential! I didn't think he'd be that interested, considering the amount of admirers he has, but he texted me back right away! He's so–»«You know he's on the team with Mark, right?»
A piece of boiled egg that almost reached its destination, misses Donghyuck's mouth entirely. «Obviously, I know. – he says stiffly – Why would that matter?»
«Well... – Jeno, suddenly awkward, brushes the crumbs off his face and sighs – Sungchan is chatty and oblivious, he'll tell Mark about you in no time.»«So what? – Donghyuck throws the fork back, making innocent cherry tomatoes and olives jump in place – I don't care what he knows, he won't try to seduce Sungchan, that's for sure. As long as he doesn't try to do anything funny, I don't give a–»
«Are you sure simply dating a guy will do the trick?»
Giving him a deadly glare, and not even bothering to answer, Donghyuck grabs a water bottle rather angrily, and shakes his head.
«Also, no offense, Hyuck, – his friend continues – But Sungchan might not be your smartest choice if you just want to rub it in Mark's face.»Donghyuck turns skeptical, seeing how Jeno – who was never much invested in his personal dramas aside from irregular and disinterested 'poor you's and 'you'll be okay's – suddenly has a whole thought on it.
«Where is this conversation coming from, exactly? – he asks – Since when do you even believe me when I say that Mark is doing it all on purpose?»
Jeno hides his eyes, but truth still spills out of him in hesitant dewdrops. «Uh, maybe I talked to Jaemin and he changed my mind? Sorry I didn't listen to you before, Hyuck. But Mark was my friend first, I guess I was biased.»The satisfaction that fills Donghyuck's stomach at that moment is savoury enough to make him forget about food. «So you agree? – he jumps up expectantly – That he's a dickhead and I've been right the whole time?»«A-Actually, I think... – Jeno stutters, genuine fear sealing his expression – Both Jaemin and I think... that you guys need to talk. And maybe fix this thing, for your own good.»
He did not just say that.
«What.»«Don't get mad, Hyuck, but we think there's a reason why you two can never–»«Yeah! And that reason is him fucking the people I like!»
Jeno flinches and Donghyuck sighs, regretting the outburst immediately. He promised himself that he wouldn't get mad over Mark anymore. «Sorry. – he backtracks – I'm just sick of trying to prove to everyone that I'm not crazy.»«Well, – Jeno offers dumbly, after a long pause – You're not crazy. But you did punch him in face, Hyuck. Publicly. Maybe talking won't hurt?»
***
Fuck talking, honestly.
Fuck any of his friends who think that talking will solve anything.
And fuck them sideways if they think Donghyuck hasn't tried.
***
«Will you at least look at me? Donghyuck, I'm talking to you!»
«Go kiss a wall, Mark Lee. – the boy grits through his teeth – Don't waste my time.»He quickens his steps and turns round the corner, feeling his stupid eyes burn with salt.
Don't you dare, Lee Donghyuck. He isn't worth it.
«Give me a minute! Just let me explain.» – a ring of stubborn fingers clasps on Donghyuck's wrist and he jolts back, pulled by the force of it.
Fuck jocks and their stupid strength.
«Explain what? – he hisses, one second away from crying, and finally looks at Mark – Why everyone thinks you're a good guy while in fact you're no more than a dirty, two-faced liar?»
His mouth spits venom, but his expression might be too vulnerable for Mark to take it seriously. If anything, he looks at him with pity, and almost reaches a hand to his face – for what, Donghyuck doesn't know – but, luckily, drops it in time.
«I, um. I wanted to say sorry. – Mark says instead, and almost sounds remorseful – For... what I did. I mean, I know it's no excuse, but. Yumei was the one who kissed me. I just thought... maybe you wouldn't regret getting rid of someone who doesn't stay loyal to you, anyway.»
Unbelievable. He thought he was doing him a favour, huh?
«You're–»Black, messy hair, half-unbuttoned blue shirt over his classic white t-shirt. Mark stands there, eyes blinking dumbly through the lenses of his stupid round glasses that always bring his cheekbones out even more, and looks like a harmless himbo. Just a few days ago, Donghyuck would call him a dork and poke his face with a finger.
But after everything he's done, Donghyuck only shakes his head. He doesn't even know what to say to him. The audacity of the guy is too much to deal with for his wounded pride. At least he forgets all about crying – he's too angry now. Too dissapointed and grossed out.The ugly bruise on Mark's sharp jaw is still visible – a sad reminder of their meaningless fight.
«You can go and hook up with whoever you want, Mark Lee. – he ends up snarling bitterly – As long as you stay the fuck away from me.»Mark looks taken aback, but his nervous expression quickly changes to one of arrogance and challenge. «Oh, really? Whoever I want, you say? – he steps closer, making Donghyuck lean on the wall and frown – Are you sure you're not gonna regret it?»
«I regret thinking you were worth my time.» – Donghyuck spits, and pushes him away. He hears Mark scoff, but it doesn't stop his heels from turning and taking him away – to somewhere where he won't have to look at that stupid face.
Fuck talking.
Fuck Donghyuck for trusting people so easily.
And fuck Mark Lee, especially. And whoever he fucks with.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
Sungchan doesn't tell him where they're going, even when it's obvious from the route they take that he is bringing Donghyuck to the newest local sushi-place. Extremely overpriced, yet already extremely popular among couples.
He helps Donghyuck with his chair, makes sure that the boy is comfortable sitting close to the windows and eagerly encourages him to order whatever the hell he wants without worrying about the prices. Donghyuck can't even hide his enthusiasm.
He's been trying to date girls for so long, it's been a while since he felt so spoiled. He doesn't mind taking care of other people, of course, he finds its own joys in it. But the way Sungchan looks at him: all gentle and intrigued, like he's the most interesting thing in the room; the way he listens to him attentively, not asking questions because he has to, but because he seems genuinely curious about the boy's life. Donghyuck can't help but think that whatever dates he went on in the last couple of years – that were already washed out from his memory due to their mediocrity – could never stand a chance next to Sungchan.
He laughs when Donghyuck jokes, blushes when Donghyuck flirts, chokes on his drink when Donghyuck tells him he hasn't been with a guy in years and feels rusty in all kinds of places. He offers him his jacket when it gets too windy, and when it starts raining and they stumble on a puddle too wide and dangerous for Donghyuck's fancy shoes – he just... picks him up by the waist, panting and laughing, and only lets him go on a safe and dry spot on the pavement.Hell, – Donghyuck thinks, amused by Sungchan's laboured breaths as he's putting him down, but impressed nonetheless – maybe there's something good about dating a jock, after all.
When they stop in front of Donghyuck's building, looking at each other with shy smiles – his insides itch in the best of ways. It's perfect time for a kiss, he has no doubts, but decides to let the other make the first move.
The rain leaves them be, drawing a few stray stars in the sky to share them some ambience. The air is chilly – the best excuse for the warmest goodnight hug. Donghyuck's lips are aching.
It has to be now.
However, when their comfortable silence stretches a bit too far, Sungchan, instead of leaning in and finally making all of Donghyuck's moist dreams come true – suddenly drops the expression of glee and anticipation and puts on the least promising face of irritation and confusion.
«I–I'm sorry, um. Do you mind if take this one? – he mutters, fishing his phone out of the butt-pocket – It's probably, like, the hundredth time he calls me. Maybe it's something important.»
Numb both to the cold and petty disappointment, Donghyuck nods, and watches the other smile at him apologetically and put the phone to his ear.
«Yes, Mark hyung.» – the boy says, and Donghyuck feels the ground under his feet shake – No. I'm busy, hyung. I told you. Can it wait?»
He sounds exasperated, but surprisingly polite. Whatever bullshit Mark's making up on the other side, it doesn't seem to interest Sungchan at all, only makes him roll his eyes and tap his left foot impatiently.
Donghyuck gulps, thinking of every ridiculous, but not unlikely thing Mark could be saying to the boy at this very moment.
Does Mark know they're on a date? Is he bullying Sungchan into dumping Donghyuck? What if he tells him about their hate for each other? What if he makes Sungchan believe that Donghyuck's in the wrong?
«Right. I see. – Sungchan continues – We'll talk about it tomorrow at practice. What? No. I can text you when I get home, if you want. Bye, hyung. No, seriously. Bye.»Donghyuck holds his lungs still while the other puts his phone back. He meets his eyes again, and Sungchan doesn't seem disgusted by him, or regretful of having asked him out. Sungchan smiles at him sheepishly and the boy lets himself breathe again.
«Well. Um. This was nice.» – he murmurs and Donghyuck nods.
The moment is ruined, the kiss isn't happening – they both seem to agree on that, instinctively. Still, their date was too good to not give it a decent finale, so Donghyuck can't stop himself from latching to the boy on his tippy toes in a hug at a last minute burst of affection.
«Thanks for the night. It was lovely.» – he mumbles softly into the other's shoulder.
«You were lovely, too.» – Sungchan replies with an audible smile.
***
He spills half a carton of orange juice onto himself during lunch, too distracted by his phone to mind wrestling for a cupcake Chenle and Jisung who make a mess of their table.
Then walks into the corner of a desk in the library, earning a nasty bruise in the centre of his right thigh and a murderous glare from every exhausted nerd disrupted by the noise.
When instead of using the break in the middle their long, late-night rehearsal to stuff his cheeks like he normally does Donghyuck keeps frowning at his phone, Renjun gets curious and calls him out over everyone's chatty banter.
«What's up with you, my darling? You haven't even touched your gross granola bar. Are you too full of my love to eat anything else?»
Renjun bares his teeth at him lovingly, and Donghyuck sticks his tongue out, tired and annoyed.
«He's enjoying his honeymoon. Let him be, – Jaemin teases, biting into a chocolate cookie – His brand new boyfriend is too far and Hyuck's going through withdrawals.» – he whines dramatically.
Rolling his eyes, Donghyuck puts the phone away and takes a pack of peanuts to busy his hands. «He's on a family trip. And he's not my boyfriend. Yet.»His friends start to whistle and howl like hungry wolves, making him even more embarrassed.
It's been a few weeks since their first date, and although they haven't been able to go on another one (thanks to Sungchan's unexpected absence), they spent hours texting every single day.
And it was... nice.
Sungchan was extremely polite and sweet. Proper with his grammar and kind with his words. He knew exactly what to say to keep the boy entertained: they talked about music, dramas, fashion, even sports somehow made it into the list of their topics and didn't leave Donghyuck dislocating his jaw from yawning. Sungchan was first to wish him good mornings and generous with compliments to whatever candid-haven't-even-brushed-my-hair-yet pictures Donghyuck sent.
So far, there wasn't even one little thing that Donghyuck could pettily pick on. Sungchan was so perfect, it was almost... suspicious.
«Hyuck? – Jaemin calls quietly and sits next to him, concerned by the friend's silence – You know we're not making fun of you or Sungchan, right?»
«Do you think... – the other starts distractedly, not even looking at the boy – Do you think it could be, like. A prank?»
Jaemin glances at the rest of their team, checking if anyone's listening, and when he finds no spies, he nudges Donghyuck's elbow and nods at him to continue.
«I mean, Sungchan is so good. – Donghyuck explains anxiously, biting his lip – With a face like that, what are the odds that his personality would also be this perfect? I mean, really?»
He hopes that his infamous history with Mark will lead Jaemin in the right direction. The other doesn't immediately look at him like he's gone mad, so maybe that's something.
«You think... it's some sort of plan?»
Donghyuck shrugs, feeling silly, but not unreasonable. Jaemin sighs, shaking his head. «Jen's been friends with him for almost a year now. Trust me, he is that good.»«Okay, – the boy agrees, a little relieved – But do you think it could still be that–»
«Hyuckie, – Jaemin interrupts, stern, but not unkind – You're being paranoid. If you want to date Sungchan, just do it, because he is nice. But if you're desperately looking for a reason to let him go, maybe you should do it now.»«What? I'm not looking for a reason–»
«You were mad with Mark when he's been all over the girls you're dating. Now you're mad even though he's staying away. I think there's a reason for that. – Jaemin states, confident in his observations – None of the guys will tell you that, but we all miss that little bit of time when you two were friends.»Guilt eats at Donghyuck every time he is reminded that him and Mark are not the only ones rolling in the dirt they have thrown onto each other: all of their friends were forced to walk on their toes and be mindful of who's mentioning who. Most of them didn't even understand why it started. Worst of all – Donghyuck was one of them from the very beginning.
«I didn't choose to make that mess, Jaemin. And it hurt me, too!» – Donghyuck counters angrily.
«You're still as hurt as you were, yet you're not choosing to clean it up, either. Just talk to him one last time, Hyuck. For me.»It makes no sense, really, for Jaemin to be so stuck on them talking it out after two years of silence. Maybe he's being uncharacteristically selfish; having to build a bridge between two of his friends who don't even interact must be exhausting.
Or maybe he's just being Jaemin – who remembers how Donghyuck called Mark his soulmate and followed him everywhere like they've known each other for years. Who was jealous of their chemistry, and couldn't understand how two opposites can share the exact same brain cell. Who was there when it all happened – what no one expected of Mark, yet no one seemed to judge him for; who saw Donghyuck angry, confused and miserable. Who was the only one to understand – it wasn't the girl that Donghyuck regretted losing, it wasn't her at all who left him heartbroken.
«I'll think about it.» – Donghyuck promises, because their friends deserve that much.
The spiky but satisfied grin that splits Jaemin's handsome face is enough to show that he is not letting it go.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
While Donghyuck is trying to figure his love life out, days melt into weeks.Fine, maybe it's only a week, but being filled with endless classes, rehearsals and silent glaring at certain stupid jocks in the halls, it still feels like an eternity.Especially since Jaemin and his stubbornly idealistic mind don't make it easier on him and his fictional love life, either.«I don't understand why you think yours and Junnie's characters shouldn't end up together. – Jeno whines, sadly staring at a piece of cabbage – They're clearly made for each other!»Donghyuck rolls his eyes for a hundredth time, wiping some sweat off his temple. «I'm not saying they shouldn't, Jen. I just think they wouldn't, in real life. Jaemin's just a softie who doesn't like to write sad endings.»He fixes the shopsticks in his right hand, deciding whether he should manage one more mouthful of spicy noodles or take pity on his future self. He makes up his mind when in front of him Jeno swallows just one more juicy piece of meat – very appetisingly.With his mouth full, Donghyuck has an excuse to listen to the other's passionate rant silently. Nodding and shrugging his shoulders indecisively from time to time.He knows a dead end when he sees one: and Jeno, as a hopeless romantic and Jaemin's loyal fan, wouldn't give up trying to convince Donghyuck otherwise.They're both dedicated to Jaemin's art as one can be, but when Donghyuck prefers to add his own little details to the character and offers feedback as soon as he finds something strange in the script, Jeno trusts his friend blindly and never doubts his artistic choices.Donghyuck could joke that Jeno only insists on the characters' miraculous reunion because he wants to see Renjun kiss someone (Donghyuck) on stage and imagine it's someone else (himself), but Jeno is sensitive (and damn strong). So he doesn't.«Maybe we're too soft, – the boy concludes, finally, pouting at Donghyuck's cynical smirk – Or maybe you're just a stubborn fool who doesn't believe in true love.» Jeno finishes the food and relaxes in his chair, scrolling through some of his messages.Donghyuck snorts at him with a warm smile and agrees to disagree, sipping on his ice tea instead of arguing. He, too, would like to believe that true love is unstoppable. But he's neither optimistic enough, nor naive.True love isn't that easy, – he sighs to himself bitterly. It doesn't just happen to a person. It can't simply fall on someone's–«Um, Hyuck? – Jeno suddenly perks up, reaching for him over the table and grabbing his sleeve anxiously – Did you see Jaeminie's text?»Donghyuck, still floating on a cloud of being pleasantly full and entertained by watching Jeno's puppy face, doesn't immediately detect his panic.When the boy lazily pulls out his phone, scrolling through unread messages, he sees their friend's excited, full of emojis message and frowns.«What the fuck. – he says out loud and blinks, still not believing his eyes – Jeno, tell me I'm dreaming, or something. Tell me I hit my head. Hard.»When Jeno stays quiet, looking at him with a gloomy expression, Donghyuck groans and falls onto the table, face-down.
Fuck. His. Life.
***
At their next recital, the gym is awfully quiet.Everyone seems to feel the tension that accumulates around Donghyuck the moment he sees Mark and stays as far away from them both as possible.For extras, decorators and sound people it's all good – they just mind their own business on the side, at a comfortable distance of ten meters away.But for Donghyuck, and Jaemin, and awkwardly fidgeting on his feet Jisung things are a little more sticky up close.«I could literally do it better on my own.» – Donghyuck hisses.«Or you could quit acting like a baby, and let me do my job.» – Mark shrugs, crossing his stupid muscly arms.«It's not your job!»Jaemin lifts a hand in the air like a referee, trying to stop Mark from arguing back. The other obeys and stays quiet, turning to his backpack to pull out the water bottle.He's... annoyingly calm and unbothered. And it naturally rubs Donghyuck in every wrong direction.«Why would you ask him, of all people? – the boy huffs indignantly, looking at Jaemin – You could read Jun's lines yourself or even just let Jisung do it for now!»His friend's eyes roll in their sockets, searching for more patience. «Jisung is kinda the reason why we need to run it a few more times. And it's one of our last rehearsals before we all get too busy with school stuff. We gotta be sure that our final scenes are well coordinated on stage.»Donghyuck sighs.Renjun just had to get sick during this time of the year, didn't he? It's as if he knew Jaemin had been trying to push Donghyuck into Mark at any chance he got and caught that flu on purpose.«You think he will help us to stay coordinated? He doesn't even know the script!»«I do, actually. – Mark walks closer, his stupid expression exudes arrogance – It's Jaeminie's precious work, so I read it long before he asked me to help.»The said boy bats his giant lashes at that and smiles – «See, Hyuckie? It's all gonna work out. Just do what you always do, you're good at it. And Mark will take care of the rest.»At first, Donghyuck does as he's told, reciting his lines and effortlessly slipping into familiar scenes and dialogues. He revised them dozens of times, he did his homework, he's prepared.However, one thing he couldn't be prepared for – is having to do it all in front of and with the most arrogant, selfish asshole in the world.Jisung – his second faux love-interest – helps him to stay calm and confident for quite a while: they fake-flirt, fake-fight (they both always secretly snicker at this part, because there's nothing funnier than playing a dramatic heartbreak with your younger brother of a friend), so Donghyuck allows himself to relax and enjoy the process.His character is a drama queen, written by the mischievous but thoughtful hands of Donghyuck's chaos-loving, romance-crazy friend.Playing him is therapy, really, because Donghyuck gets to act fierce, spontaneous and impractical, only to meet zero consequences (the one stupid thing that stops him from acting like that in real life).While normally his performance is enhanced greatly by the immaculate old-marriage chemistry he has with Renjun – their fond distaste for each other melts perfectly with any fake passion they need to play – Mark's menacing, intrusive presence does the exact opposite.«Don't touch me.» – he growls quietly, when Mark joins them on the improvised stage and his arm lies on the back of Donghyuck's chair, too close for his comfort.«I'm not touching you. I'm just following the script.» – the other mutters in response, not even bothering to turn his head. If anything, he moves even closer, crowding Donghyuck without making direct contact with his skin.He follows his role well, that's true, but Renjun's doll-like, dainty arms never caused the boy to suddenly feel so small and... claustrophobic.Donghyuck subtly turns his head away.It's the smell of the other's perfume, more than anything – non-aggressive, but all-engulfing up close. Smooth and masculine, sweet, but not sickly sugary. It's pleasant, reminding Donghyuck of summer, wild flowers and bitter tangerines.He hates to remember how much he liked it when they first met – he unironically sniffed Mark so often that it became a running joke.Now, however, the smell that he was so obsessed with triggers quite a bunch of painful memories to swim up from Donghyuck's brain.
Muffled sounds of some tasteless, too-much-bass, not-enough-meaning song; drunk people mingling, laughing and looking for someone to end the night with; all of his friends disappearing, leaving him to entertain himself with nothing but a half-empty cup of cheap beer... Donghyuck regretted coming to that party before he even stepped into the kitchen.
Immersed in the blurry flashbacks of the past, he startles when Jaemin calls for him. Read your damn lines – his impatient face seems to say.Right.He slowly gets up from the chair, doesn't even need to pretend being relieved. Mark's eyes follow him, and he can tell it from the tingling on the back of his neck. Carefully steeling his expression, Donghyuck drops his gaze down and returns the attention. For the first part of his monologue, they're supposed to be looking at each other, after all.«You're wasting your time, trying to get to me. – he repeats like a mantra, feeling his mouth dry out when the words fit Mark's face too well – You have no place to hold in my heart, nor in my mind. Not any longer.Donghyuck gulps nervously, knowing what's coming after. He releases a heavy breath, trying to separate the character and his own stupid thoughts.And Mark keeps looking. Doesn't even blink, the asshole.«Maybe I loved you. But that's what I left in the past. You, and every single thing we shared, it's all gone. He turns, moves a little. One anxious step to the right, another to the left. His voice gains volume, his throat aches, and it's all familiar. All rehearsed.«Don't pretend like you cared, dear. Because you never did. We spent months pretending to be friends, hoping to be lovers, but it was all a lie. Lie after lie.» Finally, Donghyuck has a moment to pause and inhale some air, and not this weird, suffocating scent that still surrounds him.
It smells like alcohol, like someone's fruity lipstick and stuffy kitchen. Like bloody knuckles, and expired frozen strawberries. Like salty water in his mouth, like stupid lies. Lies after lies...
«Why don't you look at me, and tell all these lies to my face, if you're so sure of them? – Mark starts, and Donghyuck flinches – If only you were as stubborn for me, as you were about leaving me behind, we would never be apart, darling. – he continues.He sounds too much like Mark, and not enough like the character. Renjun would scoff at his sad acting skills, if he were here. Donghyuck would scoff too, if only Mark as much as tried to act. He doesn't even try, however, not at all.«What would you do, if I told you, that every lie I told was for you?Mark stands up, following him closely. His chest almost touches his back, and why... why does he even know the script so well?
He's supposed to be clumsy, and... stupid, and...
Involuntary, Donghyuck frowns and almost misses his own cue to turn around. Jaemin's audible eyeroll in his periphery saves the day.«What would you do, if I told you, darling, – Mark says as soon as they're standing face to face – That I never meant to let you go, only to keep you closer?» For a moment, Donghyuck forgets his next line.It's been a while since they had a proper conversation. A real one, or a fake one, or a heated one. He couldn't allow himself to talk to Mark at all, full stop.Because it would go exactly like this: it would remind Donghyuck of how easy it was, at first, to talk to Mark. Then, of how much stupid shit he did to him, and how much it hurt. Then – likely, but not necessarily – Donghyuck would regret ever wanting to date anyone at all, and giving Mark a chance to fuck it all up.And just like now, it would probably end with something utterly amazing, and just as utterly stupid.He counts a couple of pimples on Mark's face, just to feel better about himself, then smirks.And then spits out his favourite line.«Watch this, my dear! – he yells, and jumps into action – I'll show you exactly what I would do!»Donghyuck spins around himself, muttering a little song like a little play-pretend ballerina. Then he grabs Mark by the arm and spins him, too, laughing like a naughty kid.Then, comes the hardest part.He does a sassy curtesy, one for the audience and one for Mark. And begins to climb the chair.Donghyuck is scared of heights, and hates climbing stuff, but it never went wrong before. Not once.He confidently puts one foot on the seat of that old, creaky wooden construction, and turns back to Mark for a second – to give him a well deserved angry glare.Then – the second foot.It takes only a moment.He puts his weight on it, but it doesn't stick. It slips off the edge, it twists.Donghyuck yelps in fear, but doesn't have the time to feel the pain yet. He shuts his eyes, as tightly as he can,and takes the fall.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
«Don't fuss, Jaeminie, – says the first voice; it sounds pretty close to his ear – He's fine, see? He's okay.»«Fine?! – yells the second voice, thankfully further away – Why did he pass out, then? What if he hit his head? Do we need to call an ambulance?»Donghyuck feels the way someone's chest moves under his palm in a sigh. Up, then down. His fingers find the material of the shirt covering it, and squeeze tight for comfort. It's a warm, hard chest. It feels kinda nice leaning onto.«His head is fine, dude. He didn't even fall, – the first voice continues tiredly – Landed right into my arms. No harm done.»The second voice stops yelling – thank God – only takes a deep breath and mutters an okay.Then, the world starts moving.
Displeased, Donghyuck frowns and hides his face further into the comfy pillow. Whoever the voices are talking about and whatever they're doing, it's getting more and more annoying.
He's kind of cozy and relaxed here. Can they not?
The sweet-smelling pillow and its rythmical sway make him all drowsy and snug again, and he allows himself to drift deeper into oblivion. Unfortunately, not for long.
«Where are you taking him?» – the second voice asks, still slightly panicked.«To the nurse's office. She's probably gone by now, but I can take a look at his ankle. There should be ice, too.» – replies the first, calmer one.At that, Donghyuck's foot responses with an abrupt burst of pain.
Wait a second.They're talking about him, aren't they? He's the one who fell, or… didn't, actually? Apparently?
Fuck.Now he remembers.
Not without difficulty, he strains to come back to his senses, and cracks one eye open.
He's floating, held bridal style by the arms of none other than Mark Lee: head snuggled under his chin and face squished into his stupid white t-shirt.
So, Mark is taking him… to the nurse? While Jaemin's panting ass is running behind them?«Urgh, – Donghyuck lifts his head, as much as he can, and tries to look around – What… Why am I…»«Sleeping beauty is awake? – Mark hums, glancing down – You're fine. Don't squirm. You just got scared. And twisted your ankle.»He says it like it's the most normal thing ever. Like he's perfectly cool with being in control here, and treating Donghyuck like a clumsy, helpless kid he just saved.«What the hell, – the boy croaks out, his gut gradually filling with irritation – Put me down, you stupid meathead.»«For you to do what? – Mark snorts, amused by his stubbornness – Your ankle is swollen, Donghyuck. So is your head, apparently. How are you planning to get anywhere on your own?»The boy wants to argue, of course he does, but his friend, that quickly catches up with them and glares at Donghyuck like a very disappointed mother-hen doesn't give him the time.«Shut your trap, Lee Donghyuck, – Jaemin hisses, although his teary eyes show that his anger comes from real worry – This stupid meathead is the only one here who knows what to do with a your ankle. So you better fucking listen.»Donghyuck pouts, but keeps whatever insult about a big-buff-dumb-dumb he wanted to spit out next to himself.
***
They take him out of the gym, ignoring curious whispers and confused looks, and head to the nurse's office. Mark stays completely calm the entire walk there – he holds the boy tightly, doesn't even change his position: his right hand stays on Donghyuck's waist, elbow supporting the back; left hand firmly grips his legs behind the knees.
It irks Donghyuck. The way he walks, the way he doesn't seem to find the situation weird at all, the way he doesn't pant, or struggle, or lose his breath from having to carry him for so long.
And Donghyuck must be heavy, alright.
He has been gaining weight: from eating the stress away, from being too depressed to leave the bed and move his body, from… kinda losing any hope to look pretty for his dates and giving up on it altogether.The thought makes him self-conscious, and he tenses, hyperaware of every place where Mark is touching him.Shit. What if he notices and makes fun of him? What if he acts like it's the reason people dump him all the time?When they go upstairs, and finally turn to enter the office, Mark suddenly breaks into a little chuckle, making Donghyuck squint his eyes suspiciously.«What? – he asks nervously, dreading a hurtful remark – What are you laughing at?»
The other shakes his head and laughs some more, waiting for Jaemin to open the door for them.«It's just funny, – Mark replies, a smile still present on his face – I remember how often I gave you piggyback rides back in the day. I never carried you like this, though. Never had the reason to.»
Donghyuck's jaw goes slack, and he doesn't let out any sound even as Mark puts him on the examination couch and starts poking around the room. Because, how dare he?Talking about their past is prohibited.
They were close friends, and then, they were no longer. And it's dirty, borderline cruel to mention those times so casually, so easily in the passing. It feels wrong for the reasons Donghyuck himself probably wouldn't be able to explain.
He knows it wasn't his fault, it was Mark's. And yet there's nothing that can make him talk about their falling out anymore: not his old bitterness, not his new grudges, not even his desperate need to be understood by their friends, to prove that he's not the petty, unforgiving one.He made it a rule from the very beginning, and doesn't mention their past to the new people he meets, or to the ones that dump him for Mark, not even to the ones that ask about it, curious of their relations.Without even knowing it, he always hoped that Mark never mentions it to anyone, either. That those memories – both good and bad – only belong to them and would never turn into something trivial or funny. Like a joke to tell someone when you're bored out of your mind.The thought that he might have, that he could offhandedly laugh about it like now, discuss it with his teammates or random people he was seeing hurts Donghyuck into a whole another dimension.He feels his eyes prickle, and curses as he realises, once again, that nothing has truly changed.
«What's wrong, Hyuckie? – Jaemin, in his typical fashion, immediately jumps in his face, trying to be as helpful as possible – Is it your ankle? Does it hurt bad?»Donghyuck wants to laugh, really, when in that moment, through his crying he hears Mark, of all people, ask the boy to give him some space.«It's probably just a lot, – Mark explains to the other, completely oblivious to the real reason of Donghyuck's outburst – It's painful and uncomfortable, and he's stuck here with me. We should've expected worse, honestly.»Jaemin frowns at that, and gasps in indignation when Mark gently pushes him completely out of the way, pointing to the corner.«You see the fridge there? – he nods, hinting at him to move – Give us some ice.»
To Donghyuck's horror, Mark is entirely unfazed as he starts working on his foot. His movements are medical when he carefully takes off the shoe: he looks like he's done it dozens of times – which is likely, considering he's a team captain and is well-known for taking good care of his players. His expression is focused and his closeness doesn't make the boy feel awkward or distressed. He even has the mind to move Donghyuck's pants higher than necessary, to make sure no ice can get into the folds, melt and make it wet.He's thoughtful, and it's both a blessing and a curse.One towel, an ice pack placed over it and a cautious hand holding it all together later, Mark blinks his stupid eyes at him and breaks the silence.«Now, how are we getting you home?»It's preposterous, but he's either assuming, or knows for sure that Donghyuck still doesn't have a car, nor anyone to drive him.He's right, but it's whatever.Because he's also assuming that just because he's helped him to put some ice on a foot, it somehow became his problem.«I'll figure it out, – Donghyuck bites out defensively – I'll get an Uber, or something.»«Or, – and this time it's not Mark, it's Jaemin who comes up with yet another ridiculous idea – You could let Mark drive you home, carry you to the door and get you in. 'Cause I love you, but ain't no way I'm doing it on my own. And your boyfriend is still on a trip.»Both Donghyuck's and Mark's heads snap to Jaemin, objection and puzzlement plastered on their faces.The next second – they're looking at each other, and Mark raises a challenging eyebrow, clearly expecting Donghyuck to disapprove the suggestion.
Donghyuck isn't a coward, so he tightens his jaws, holds his chin high and looks back at Jaemin.«Fine, – he declares, with a tone of a royalty who just decided to pardon a criminal – If that makes your life easier, sure.
The boy is satisfied to see Mark remain speechless from disbelief while Jaemin is losing his shit. Donghyuck gives himself a mental pat on the back, because they totally deserved it.
«And Sungchan is not my boyfriend.» – he adds, as an afterthought.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***The ice and the elastic bandage that Mark skilfully puts on him after, noticeably lessen the swelling. But even when Donghyuck points at the improvement and insists on letting him walk with the help of Jaemin – secretly not trusting his own idea at all – Mark shakes his head no.«The less strain you put on it now, the sooner you can run again. – he says with a face of a professional, holding the boy's heel. Donghyuck's skin tingles as Mark gently pulls a sock over his foot, but skips the shoe this time, throwing it to Jaemin – «Put it in his bag or something. And bring me mine, too. We'll meet you downstairs.»Stunned by the other's humourless attitude, Donghyuck allows him to order them around and hesitantly waves at their friend.«S-See you later? I guess?» – he whimpers anxiously.«It's gonna be fine, Hyuckie, – Jaemin reassures, although fails to leave right away, walking back to pat his head lovingly – Mark will take care of you, so be nice. – he demands, and then leans closer to his ear to whisper – And remember what you promised me, yeah?»The boy sighs and nods, resigned to his destiny.As soon as Jaemin leaves, Mark carefully picks him up again and heads outside.Despite wearing only a thin t-shirt, he's a lot warmer than Donghyuck, who for the last twenty minutes struggled not to shiver from the icy procedure. Flushed and embarrassed as he is, the boy immediately lets out a satisfied yawn, comforted by the other's body heat. Mark doesn't seem to notice it, or maybe just doesn't point it out.Pretty quickly Donghyuck realises that being unconscious while held bridal style by his… half-ex-friend, half-enemy? was probably a much better option. A safer one, at least, seeing that passed out Donghyuck didn't have to think too much about where to put his own hands, or whether he should keep staring at Mark's collarbones or try to watch where the hell they're going.And because the universe hates-hates-hates him, being so close to the object of his regular frustrations does a funny thing: instead of feeling upset, humiliated and revolted, his touch-starved, haven't been held in such an 'all-over-you', 'chest-to-heart' way in forever body fills with joy. Or something of the sorts.Hopefully (thankfully), no one but Donghyuck can witness the goosebumps on his arms, the slight blush on his neck, the disarming numbness in his chest – that only comes to him in the moments of true serenity. No one else can write it off to the fact that no actual human has been in his bed in literal millennia, and that not even Sungchan had a chance to kiss him yet, or give him a first ever proper cuddle.He's lucky, that no one but himself can refute the idea that maybe, it's the familiarity that makes his body both cold, and lit on fire; that makes the particles of his skin want to stay where they're touching Mark, melt off into his stupid veiny arms and that stupid white t-shirt, and run through his blood to find that stupid cell that made him betray their friendship and fuck it all the way up.So, yeah.Other than that, their way out of the building is uneventful.Initially, he expects Mark to use his embarrassing mishap in his own favour, because it is very much like Mark to make a stupid joke at his expense, to belittle him for his clumsiness and brag about how cool he is for helping him out.Surprisingly, none of that happens. Mark doesn't act like Mark he's learned to hate. He acts like Mark that used to be his friend. He acts nice.He's careful not to bump the boy into any corners or doorframes (instead, he walks backwards and unceremoniously kicks anything that obstructs their way); doesn't let go of him even when Donghyuck's standing steadily on one foot, ready to get into his car (the ticklish hand that stays on his waist distracts the boy more than it helps him, but he doesn't tell Mark to take it off); he even takes care of his seatbelt, without saying a single word (like in a scene of some k-drama Jeno would definitely blush at).And, maybe not immediately, but Donghyuck appreciates the effort, really.«Erm. My ankle feels a lot better. Thank you.» – he mumbles awkwardly as he's seated in the front.He feels the need to say it, so he does. But when Mark doesn't even acknowledge his gratitude, busying himself with starting the car and still eerily quiet, Donghyuck's mood sours again.«If you didn't want to drive me, you should've just said so, – he grumbles, already reaching for the seatbelt – I told you I could just–»«Relax, will you? – the other finally replies with an eyeroll – I was just trying to remember the route to your place and how long it'll take us.»He sounds genuine, although not entirely honest. His expression is agitated, and he keeps biting on his dry lips, like there's something itchy under his collar, like he's nervous.If Donghyuck's old knack for reading Mark Lee is still spot-on, the guy obviously has something on his mind and is trying his hardest not to show it.«Are you sure it's, like… cool with you? – Donghyuck tries, raising an eyebrow – If you have plans, or something, I understand. I can call someone–»«I don't mind doing it, – the other is quick to reply; Mark turns, finally allowing Donghyuck to make sense of his expression, and what the boy finds there is a look of pure, uncensored distress – I've just... I've been thinking–»«Hey, guys!»
Suddenly, Jaemin's blond and fluffy, dyed too many times hair enters their field of vision. He walks up to them from Mark's side, nodding at him to open the window in the back.«Here's your stuff, – he declares, panting, and tosses both of their bags onto the seat – You two are doing alright? Still haven't killed each other?» – he winks.Clearly mad at the interruption, Mark doesn't warn him when he pushes the button again, to bring the window back up, and Jaemin gasps, quickly pulling his head out of the car.«Rude! – he gasps, instantly turning on his heels – Could've just said you were fine. Moody jocks and their stupid lack of manners, I swear to god...» – the boy mutters as he stomps away.It's rare that Donghyuck sees his imperturbable best friend show so much emotion at once: worry, then dissapointment, then pissed off attitude. Ironically, in that moment Jaemin sounds so much like him, that it makes the boy giggle.«Let's just go. – Mark sighs, seemingly abandoning his previous thought – It's gonna take a while.»
***The journey is not so much of a deja vu, for even when they were friends, Donghyuck and Mark rarely had a chance to be alone with each other.Their friends were too clingy, circles too tight to look for a reason not to invite someone, and almost every regular hang-out would turn to be a messy, noisy affair with too many mouths to feed and too many rumours to listen to.Still, even amidst perpetual chaos their bond with Mark became somewhat unique: they talked about things no one else bothered to, they learned to hear without any words being said, they moved like two magnets, pushing and pulling, always gravitating on the same orbit without any intention to.With Mark around, Donghyuck felt entertained, and seen, and homely. And maybe that's why, when the other got cold and quiet, when he stopped looking his way and making excuses to stick together – the boy felt the loneliest, and searched for someone, anyone to hold on to.
Mark's car, despite Donghyuck's questionable relationship with the owner himself – is lovely. It's clean, warm, smells nice and is probably one thing he missed the most about the guy: he always used to hog the front seat, and Mark let him, ignoring Chenle's and Jeno's constant complaints.«Are you warm?»Focused on watching the quickly moving streetlights outside, Donghyuck lazily hums a yeah in response.His mind is hazy, probably too tired from the stress and overthinking. His body is getting numb, too, and hungry, achy muscles craving nothing but the softness of his favourite blanket.He hears Mark push some buttons, anyway, and in less than a minute his seat gets pleasantly warm.«Thanks. – he mumbles robotically, kind of wishing to get it all over with – For today, too, I mean. You didn't have to.»To his left, Mark snorts, – «Stop thanking me, Hyuck. You don't sound like yourself.The said boy flinches at the nickname, and Mark notices.«Sorry.» – he adds in half-whisper.«It's... whatever.» – Donghyuck replies vaguely, lacking any strength.The awkwardness stretches.In a couple of minutes Mark puts some music on to fill in the silence. It works, kind of, until Donghyuck becomes aware of the song, and then the next one. And realises that it's an old playlist, the one he recognises, and it's still the same.It makes him inexplicably angry only for a moment, long enough to mutter – «Is it the one I made?»«Oh. Uh. Y-Yeah.» – Mark admits reluctantly; then turns the volume down.They both stay quiet for the rest of the road.
When parked in front of his building, Donghyuck undoes his belt and waits.There's no point in him trying to get out on his own, he'll only trip, and fall, and hit his head, or die to Jaemin's great horror (and what a masterplan would it be, to die right in Mark's car and make him pay for every petty disloyalty).So he waits patiently, chewing on his lips.Mark, however, doesn't seem to be in a hurry. He stops the music, then stops the car. Then sits, unmoving, for a few minutes.«Are we... going?» – Donghyuck asks, by now half-sure that Mark changed his mind and expects him to step out and actually wobble home by himself.The other turns to him, finally, gaze deep in thought – «Yeah, – he says – Just... let me think, for a moment. »Donghyuck frowns in confusion, but has no other choice but to obey.The sky gets darker with each passing second; the air gets colder without Mark's car running, and being overly conscious of the surrounding silence, the boy feels his ankle acting up again. He shifts a little bit to the left to make himself more comfortable, and just then – Mark starts talking.«I want you to be, like, real patient with this, if you can, – he begins in a gentle voice, with his face all scrunched up – Can you, maybe, try to hear me out, and, no matter how stupid I sound, resist the urge to punch me? Can you, please, do that?»
Funny how as soon as he says that, Donghyuck expects nothing but trouble. He doesn't even attempt to keep a straight face, instead choosing to chuckle nervously, like Mark just told him a joke.
It couldn't be about Sungchan, right? He wouldn't be shameless enough to mess with his new almost-boyfriend and tell Donghyuck about it?
«What are you on about? – he pushes himself to say, hands playing with each other anxiously in his lap – Why would I want to punch you? Again?»What Mark decides to say next (which, again, is dirty of him and not fair, and not at all something he has a right to say, after everything) makes the boy's stomach clench, as if Mark just punched him, instead.
«I missed you. – he says, unashamed, knocking every last bit of breath out of Donghyuck – I know you might not wanna hear it, but... I want us to start over.»
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
If it wasn't for his regretful promise to be more open to the idea of them talking, Donghyuck wouldn't need more than a blink of an eye to ignore the painful tug at his ankle and slam the car door right into Mark's face.In fact, not even his gratitude added Donghyuck any rationality in that very moment – he wanted to run (mourning he couldn't), wanted to scratch at Mark's face and make it hurt (knowing it wouldn't change a thing), wanted to turn away and disappear (resigned that not even in the crevices of his own mind could he escape Mark and his dangerous confidence).
He knew Jaemin wanted them to try and move pass certain old grudges, but he couldn't handle the thought of simply walking over them. He wasn't ready.
Donghyuck told Mark exactly that.
Well, maybe not exactly.
«You're stupid, and I hate you. – he croaked weakly, voice stuck in the labyrinth of his laboured breaths – After two years? You can't be serious.»
Not hearing a definitive go fuck yourself (that was surely on the list of Donghyuck's options), Mark jumped at the opportunity to tell him something even more ridiculous. He ran a hand through his hair – a stupid habit that made every girl seeing it swoon – and tried once again.«I'm not saying it should be easy. – his voice cracked, too, strained with the pressure – Maybe not all at once, but you could try and listen. We could just... talk. And if you're still too mad and have nothing to say to me, that's fine. I can do the talking. All I want from you is a chance. Just a little... piece of your attention. Whenever you're ready.»It didn't cease to amaze Donghyuck how self-absorbed a person should be to have the audacity to demand something after taking so much from him already. To be so greedy and selfish. To be so boringly vain.
Only someone with a face like Mark's: all cheekbone-y and innocent-looking could afford to act like a real asshole and still have friends. And want to have more, apparently.
Donghyuck scanned his eyes – big, and round, and deceptively kind.
«Did Jaemin make you do this?»
«Uh, what? No!»
«But you talked to him, didn't you?» – the boy pressed.
«I only told him what I'm telling you, – Mark insisted, pointing at Donghyuck – He said you'd probably punch me again if I suggest being friends. But I've been thinking about it since... forever. Thought it's worth a try.»«Since forever? – the other sneered angrily – Or maybe since you started fucking Hana?»
«N-No! – Mark's face twitched, finally, shame filling the corners of his eyes and lips and Donghyuck was rejoiced – And I didn't fuck her. It's just.. – he let out a heavy breath, evidently uncomfortable with his own admissions – I'm tired of this. Of this... thing.»Donghyuck blinked.
Whatever the hell Mark expected from him then, he must've understood that his useless bemoaning about their thing wouldn't take them far, right?
And how could Donghyuck even take him seriously after the whole 'sorry I cockblocked you for two years, let's be bros again' shtick?Wait.
He didn't even say sorry.
What a joke.
Donghyuck felt his throat close. He couldn't. He couldn't do it.
«Just get me inside my apartment, Mark Lee. – he grumbled, opening the door on his side – And leave me alone.»
***
Spending the next few days at home, alone – is a true test of resilience.His worried older brother visits to have a look at Donghyuck's ankle and take care of his grocery shopping and meals. Jeno visits to help him with homework – judging by how quiet he is, he's heard about the rehearsal, but isn't trying to ask any risky questions.
Good for him, honestly. Donghyuck wouldn't even know what to tell.
The best part of his boring as hell vacation is Sungchan: they text non-stop, talk about the play, and their next date, and any other little thing that distracts Donghyuck well enough to forget about his foot, his dumb rivalry and how many important classes he's skipped.
But not even the tall, handsome boys with pretty smiles and funny jokes can be completely safe for Donghyuck's sanity –
Mark hyung told me about your injury :(
I hope it's healing well! – he texts. Cute, and considerate and entirely oblivious.
Donghyuck's chest tightens.
it's fine now – he replies, suddenly loosing any interest in the conversation – but I was told to rest it for as long as I can
When his phone pings with a reply five minutes later, he can't find it in himself to check it and send something back, pretending the boy didn't just accidentally remind him of one person he wanted to avoid.
The thoughts of him, the memories of him, the scent of him.
It's useless, from then on. It all comes back, full force.
And Donghyuck hates how the particles of Mark's words are now on the surface, how they're still floating around him, sticking to his clothes like a bad smell. How they can't be undone, or swallowed up, and how now will surely contaminate Donghyuck's brain until he makes sense of them. He hates how he doesn't know if they're truthful. How they sound like something he secretly wished to hear – a long time ago.
These racing thoughts make his body much more anxious: he can't stay loose and relaxed no matter what, squirming around his apartment like a freshly caught bug until he puts himself to use and does his laundry.
One mental breakdown and half a pack of sour gummy worms later, he gets comfortable on the couch and calls Jaemin.
«What'd ya need?» – his friend answers monotonously, no ounce of previous empathy present in his voice.
Mark definitely told him everything – Donghyuck thinks, horrified.
«It's about Mark. Are you mad?» – he asks sheepishly.
«Not mad, – the other corrects, grumbling over loud rustling in the background – Not even surprised. Just dissapointed. You're still a pouty baby. Nothing's new.»Donghyuck bites into the green side of his gummy and huffs – «I'm not a baby. – he argues, chewing angrily – I'm just confused. He told you what he said to me, right? Like, being civil I get. But starting over? Being friends? Who does he think he is?»
«Uhhh, he's Mark Lee? – Jaemin sighs, and Donghyuck doesn't have to see him to know he's rolling his eyes – He's never been good at feelings, Hyuck. You might think he's an arrogant, ballsy jock, but he's probably afraid of you after how much he's fucked up. Give him a break.»«Pfft. And do what? Pretend he hasn't been a dick to me?»On the other side, Jaemin clicks his tongue, never patient enough to hold an argument.
«No, sweety. If you decide that you want to talk to him, start with things that you've been wanting to ask him. – he deadpans, like it's the most obvious solution ever – Let him stutter and cry, and be a sad, pathetic loser. And then just decide whether you want to forgive him or not. It's as simple as that.»The boy lets out a long, whiny groan.Jaemin always makes himself sound equally empathetic, impartial and right. Annoyingly so. Donghyuck hates being friends him.
«Geez. Okay. Fine. Alright? I'll talk to him. But if I end up punching him, or crying, or regretting ever listening to you in the first place, you owe me a tub of ice-cream. And I mean – a bathtub.»«Sure, Hyuckie. – his friend snorts into his ear – So I guess you'll need his new number?»
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***By the time Donghyuck returns to classes, Sungchan is back from his trip.
They meet on Monday among the sleepy crowd of last-minute comers, shy smiles and awkward greetings falling off their lips.
«How's your foot?» – Sungchan asks politely, pointing down at it.
Donghyuck locks stiff fingers on the strap of his backpack, shrugging indecisively. «It's alright. Only hurts when I move it too much. How're you?»
«Much better now that I can talk face to face with you, – the other half-smirks, staring at him unblinkingly – Mind if I walk you to class?»
Reluctantly, Donghyuck welcomes his offer, deciding that neglecting the boy he's trying to date is worse than neglecting Jeno, who's been waiting for him.
With a of foreign feeling of helplessness, he notes how many people watch them walk through the hallway, jaws falling and eyebrows raising at their proximity.
It's no secret that some of them stare because they still remember him as 'punched Mark Lee at a frat party' guy, but others – show unconcealed interest in him walking beside Sungchan – a known star-boy of their basketball team, a golden dream-boyfriend for anyone who has taste. Preferring to keep his own gaze down, Donghyuck pretends not to notice any glares of disapproval.
Sungchan clears his throat, glancing at him, perpetually oblivious to the surroundings – sometimes it impresses Donghyuck as much as it troubles him.
«Sorry if I sound weird, – the boy stutters apologetically – But.. have I offended you, in any way? You seem a bit... uncomfortable.»Have been uncomfortable, – he doesn't say, but they both know that it's about how unresponsive Donghyuck was in the last couple of days, lost in processing his own dilemmas.
«Not at all, – Donghyuck denies guiltily – It's... some other things. Annoying things, kinda. Sorry if I've been distant.»The other shakes his head, relieved – «No, don't apologise, please, I get it. But I also wouldn't mind listening, if you ever wanna share, you know? I guess I was just worried.»«Wow. So caring!» – Donghyuck gasps teasingly.
Sungchan laughs.
He looks even more handsome like this: silky, amber locks trembling from the smallest movement, eyes sparkling in the sun, a wide, steal-your-breath smile on his face. He's mesmerising.
As Donghyuck's lips move along against his own will, they both slow down, turning to each other next to the stairs.
«You're so... – Sungchan begins, gaze warm and glittery, fascinated – I don't even know how to explain it. – he ends up saying with a sigh – We should go on that date sometime. Sometime soon.»Handsome, and sweet, and clearly enamoured – he's just what Donghyuck has been looking for, dreaming of. Someone who wants him, and acts on it, and speaks it out loud. Someone this perfect.
Donghyuck still isn't sure why despite his desires, perfect doesn't sit quite right with him. Why he still doesn't feel the pull.
«I'm quite busy this week, but we could go on Friday? – the boy suggests, shooing away these fearful thoughts – I'll pick the place this time.» – he smiles, albeit awkwardly.
Sungchan, enthusiastic as ever, doesn't waste a second to agree. «Sure! – he speaks out a bit louder, overpowering the homogeneous murmur of the students – I would love to–His words get interrupted by the rude push from behind. He turns, careful to stand in a way that it wouldn't disturb Donghyuck. «Uh, sorry. – he mutters, half-a-question – I didn't notice you there.»The guy that stands behind him – a much shorter, bulky brunet – scoffs. «Maybe you shouldn't stand in the way. – he grumbles, glaring in between them; suddenly anxious, Donghyuck stares at the wall –
Get a fucking room, or something.» – the guy spits, disgust evident in his voice.
He walks past them, making it a point to push Sungchan again, with his shoulder. The boy doesn't seem to take the other's aggression seriously, and snorts at the obvious attempt to provoke him.
Donghyuck observes then, with quiet admiration, how Sungchan comes up with his own reply, gleefully.
«Sure, – he yells at the stranger's back, smiling – I'll call your mum about it! You know she'd never tell me no!»He looks at Donghyuck with a surprised grin, impressed by his own remark – «As I was saying...» – he continues, before being interrupted once again.
«Hell, now you're just asking for it, – sneers the guy, walking back – Try repeat it to my face?»
Sungchan frowns, utterly confused with the other's continuous hostility. «It's a joke, man, – he chuckles without any humour — No offence, literally.»«I'll show you something funnier, – threatens the brunet, getting closer – Wanna go see?»
«Is there a problem?» – comes a third voice, the third voice that Donghyuck is all too familiar with.
Mark appears from behind them, messy appearance easily giving away that he's late too. His hair is ruffled, unbrushed; brown hoodie slips off one of his collarbones, revealing a patch of pale skin; light stubble visible on the chin and above the upper lip. He looks like he slept in and skipped half of his morning routine in a hurry. And yet still stopped when he noticed them, deciding to interfere.
«Oh! Hey, hyung! – Sungchan exclaimes brightly, immediately loosing the frown – Nah, we're all good.»The other doesn't seem convinced, raising an eyebrow at the guy in front of them. «All good?» – he asks him boldly, putting a hand on Sungchan's shoulder.
The brunet's gaze flickers to his face, then to his stance: looming and ever-confident. Mark might be smaller than the younger, but his energy makes up exceedingly for the other's harmless-puppy demeanour. The stranger changes his scowl to a mask of unconcern and steps back. «Whatever, – he mutters, already turning away – I'm too fucking late to deal with you all.»When the guy leaves, Sungchan bro-punches Mark on the shoulder excitedly, chuckling out a thanks.
«Captain saves the day, huh? – he rolls his eyes childishly – We were just joking though, you didn't need to worry.»Hiding as much of himself behind the boy as he can, Donghyuck discreetly peeks at Mark's expression and stays low.
«How do you always manage to do that?» – says Mark, exasperated.
«I didn't do shit, hyung! – Sungchan whines in response, as if he's talking to his actual older brother – Donghyuck and I were just chatting, minding our own business.»Pretending that he doesn't notice Mark's stare being on him now, Donghyuck nods at the words. «Someone just woke up homophobic today, – he quips – Not our fault.»«Right. – sighs Mark – I'll get going then.»
As he walks away, Sungchan slaps his back lightly, promising to see him at practice. Donghyuck doesn't say a word.
«So you guys are close?» – he manages to ask, interrupting the boy's eager string of anecdotes about Mark being a reliable captain and friend.
The boy slows his steps, moving away from the entrance to where Donghyuck's class is about to start. «Well, not as close as we were when I just joined, – he confesses, reflective – The team really needed a good player, and I was tall, learned quick, listened well. He treated me like a baby of the family, while the other guys weren't exactly... happy about it.»«Why?»
«I'm a soccer player, originally, – Sungchan laughs – And a good one. Also queer. And still better than a lot of them at basketball. We had a few quarrels, but I'm a lover, not a fighter, – he grins – I let Mark handle it, as a captain. And as you can see, I'm still here.»Donghyuck smiles back, appreciating the other's honesty. It annoys him, of course, to hear so many nice things about the person who terrorised him, but it feeds into his curiosity, nonetheless.
Contemplating, he realises that it made total sense now, why Mark suddenly stopped acting the way he normally did. Sungchan was important to him, and couldn't be used as another experiment on Donghyuck.
As if reading his thoughts, Sungchan hums to himself and pokes the boy in the chest.
«Actually, it was Mark who told me about you, when you first texted me. He was a little... weird about it, but that's probably because of those dumb rumours, circling around you two.»Donghyuck chokes on spit, grabbing his wrist.
«What did he say?» – he stutters, barely audible.
«Maybe I'll tell you some other time, Hyuck. – Sungchan smirks, and nods at the door – You're kind of really late.»
***
hey ass
hi
Donghyuck
how did you know it was me
Jaemin
also literally no one else ever insults me
only you
whatever
do you still want to talk
yeah I do
if you're okay with that
I'll try
when r u free
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
A real wet-dream-come-true of any respectable student is a successful end of their academic year.
Donghyuck knows the ins and outs of it, the 'do's and 'don't's. He's a bit lazy, but never irresponsible – and comes the exam season, throws himself graciously into the sacrificial fire: the fire of cramming, rehearsing and neglecting as many of his needs as it's required to keep the productivity high.
It was a bigger challenge when his foot wasn't strained and a whole bunch of his papers weren't overdue – being both cute and nice, Donghyuck never lacks invitations to hang out.
To his greatest dissapointment, he has none of that on his plate now: it's too full of securing the fragile balance between the piling up responsibilities and not going mad.
And trying to finally get laid, more importantly.
Monday is spent rehabilitating, stocking up on energy drinks and instant food – preparing for a long week ahead.
Jaemin cancels any rehearsals for the meantime, but Donghyuck still finds Renjun in class and tells him off (still bitter and blaming all of his embarrassment on the boy). He barely has any strength to shower after a non-stop four-hour long study session, and downright foregoes any dinner, falling asleep instantly as soon as his still wet head touches the pillow.
On Tuesday their texting with Mark continues in fearful, but deliberate baby steps.
Strangely enough, it adds to Donghyuck's stress no more than it normally did – just as before, Mark's whole existence stays at the back of his consciousness, still drives him a little bit crazy, still bothers him a lot and feels weird – the usual amount.
Determined to get used to it this time, to embrace the weirdness and reconnect without cowardly back pedalling – Donghyuck rebuilds old cotton walls around his heart, guarding what is left of his pride while keeping a window open for new possibilities.
Already quite resigned to letting the guy back into his life, he finds only enough courage to start slow: through moving on from the cranky, to lighthearted texts, and diving down the memory pit to dig up their dusty, but warm shared memories without flinching; through Jaemin's casual, but purposeful mentions of him and Jeno's subtle, but hopeful interrogations.
Even through Sungchan's excited stories about him – Donghyuck makes peace with the fact that Mark's always been there – just one reached out hand (or a swollen ankle) away, and finds himself accepting it.
The only thing that still stays ambiguous is what the boy's almost-but-not-quite-yet boyfriend tells about Mark, and what doesn't.
After what seemed like an easy introduction to their friendship, Sungchan was more than happy to let Donghyuck in on their team's gossip – freely speaking about who was a sloppy player or who was cheating on whom. But the more he was asked about Mark, the shyer his honesty would get: Sungchan deliberately avoided saying too much, and would often stop himself in the middle of a sentence as if there was a line he couldn't cross.
He didn't look worried, but cautious, and maybe that something that he was hiding from Donghyuck wasn't bad, but it was something. And it tickled too much on the boy's curiosity to leave it alone.
It wasn't a big enough deal to postpone their meeting, of course, and by Wednesday evening Donghyuck has planned his long-expected date with Sungchan to the smallest detail.Walking, eating, coming over to his place for that sweet and juicy first kiss (and maybe something else entirely), then watching a romantic movie. A solid plan, even if unoriginal.
Innovation and charm have never been Donghyuck's forte, anyhow, but Sungchan gets all excited regardless.
It's a good thing that their slowly, but naturally blooming affections seem to be well cherished by him, because Donghyuck himself... still doesn't know what to feel.Scared to trust, even more scared to trust and be mistaken – he goes to bed with a heavy heart and only when the clock shows the start of a new day remembers what a nightmare awaits for him there.
***
Creeping near the entrance outside of their uni like a brooding, miserable, Edward-Cullen-wannabe, stands Mark Lee, waiting for him.
He keeps messing his hair, nervously digging a hole in the ground with the rubbery toe piece of his sneaker, as if Donghyuck's plan isn't to take him to the nearest café to melt some ice, but lure him into a secret laboratory and chop his dick off, or something.
(Honestly, he would've deserved it. That dick caused him a lot of trouble.)He looks nothing like himself – the self-assured jock with arrogant smirk and thick ego long gone – it's a little dissapointing. His pathetic offer to make peace shouldn't cost him that much and turn him all jittery.
Maybe Jaemin was right, after all. Maybe he is afraid.
It doesn't help that Donghyuck himself is squeezed out like a lemon: by homework, nagging professors, and Jeno's obvious attempts to bribe him into forgiving his ex shit-stain of a soulmate and letting everyone relax and be friends again. He doesn't have it in him to also babysit Mark and his unprocessed feelings. He has no interest to be so kind this time around.
Too stubborn to admit that he might be a little anxious, as well, Donghyuck procrastinated thinking about their dreadful meeting till the very last minute.
Turns out – the difference between spamming Mark Lee with snarky texts and having to see his stupid expression up close again is quite significant.
«Make your face look normal, or I'm not even gonna stand next to you.» – he demands, approaching the other.
«Starting strong, huh. – Mark scoffs, but doesn't change his posture much, still antsy – You wanna go to my car?»
They drive around until Donghyuck finds a decent place to crash – far from popular, so no one would see them together, but not too dirt-cheap either – Mark's sins and testimonies aside, he's hungry and not settling for anything less than good.
«I've been here before.» – Mark mumbles when they choose a table.The café they pick is almost empty, dimly lit and worn down. It's secluded and perfect for a lonely, tired nine to five worker to have his dinner at. Not quite cozy enough for anything else, though.
«On a date?» – Donghyuck snorts condescendingly, and sits down.«Nah. With Chenle, – Mark shrugs – Their soups are nice.»He puts his jacket on the back of a chair, opening the menu with one hand. Donghyuck opens his own, quickly scanning it. «Yeah? Which ones?»
With their orders taken, they put the faux-leather covers aside and begin the silent staring match. For both of them – familiar; for Donghyuck – painfully blunt and unpredictable.
Exhausted and devoid of any prejudice (for once), he manages to observe Mark for a little bit, instead of glaring at him with resentment, like his ego normally urges him to.
Mark's tired, too, disheveled; Jeno kindly told Donghyuck that he spent the entirety of the last night finishing some paper, and his eyebags sure do add up to that story. They even suit him, in a way.
He's always been about that effortless chic, the 'jaded, but will still steal your girl' type: wearing sleeveless tops, baseball caps, saggy sweats. Tasteless is what Donghyuck would call it, be it any other guy, but with Mark Lee – it just made sense, somehow.
It was annoying how easily he could slip out of sportswear and wear fancy slacks and button-ups, too, and not look ridiculous. He didn't even have to try to pull it off. He never tried anything, really. He just did it.
«You look like shit.» – Donghyuck summarises eventually, but there's no real mockery in his words. He attempts to sound almost... empathetic, seeing the other's fatigue.
«Life be like that sometimes, – the other snorts humorlessly – A lot of practices, not enough sleep.»«Some things never change.» – Donghyuck utters to himself.A minute passes. Donghyuck pouts and puts his elbows on the table, resting his left cheek on one palm. It eases the strain in his temples, but makes him feel dizzy when Mark's serious face turns half-a-circle in his vision.
«Cute.» – that face says then, dry lips moving flatly.
«Thanks, – he replies robotically before it even registers, and then straightened back up and awkwardly clears his throat when it does – Huh?»Mark frowns, like he didn't really think it through, either. «Erm. Sorry, – he mumbles – Dunno why I said it like that. I got lost in thought. My bad.»
God, and to think they didn't even get to the hardest part yet.
Instead of exploding, Donghyuck snickers, actually amused by their stupidity for once. Mark used to call him cute a lot, sometimes to fluster him, sometimes as a joke – it all hit different when they were close.
Proud of his own patience, Donghyuck just shrugs dismissively. «Whatever. You said you would talk, – he reminds, trying to ease the tension – And it's getting pretty late, you know.»«Right, right. – Mark nods, left hand reaching to scratch behind his ear, restless – I, uh. Don't know where to start, frankly. I don't wanna make you mad right away.»«I'm always mad at you, – Donghyuck deadpans, huffing out a sarcastic laugh – Do your worst, Lee. Start where we started it.»
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
As much as he made himself believe that he's ready – to hear Mark talk about their past– Donghyuck doesn't make it through.
It's irritating enough how Mark stumbles over his words like a toddler (Jaemin's predictions of that are either extremely impressive, or non-accidental to begin with), when he tells him about every person he used to hurt Donghyuck.
It's also what he says – talks Yumei, talks Hana, talks the one he doesn't even know the name of (Mark saw Donghyuck flirting with her at a party once, and her destiny was decided).
«You didn't believe me, but that thing with Yumei wasn't intentional, at least on my part. We were actually talking about you, most of the time, even when we were alone...»With each new story about every case of his shameless play, his words get more certain, making it all seem like a well-rehearsed speech (and again... Jaemin? could've easily been an accomplice?).
Donghyuck listens, tries to. But even after their food is brought to the table and he has something to busy himself with, the boy sighs more times than he can count, purses his lips so hard they start hurting, and yet – it still doesn't ease his frustration, because... this? After a long day of studying they met for Mark to tell him this?
«Dude, – he interrupts finally, letting his spoon almost drown in the bowl – You can stop now. I don't think you've noticed, but. All of this – it doesn't really matter.»Mark, who for the last five minutes has been scratching his forehead for a name of some other girl he made out with to spite him a few months ago, drops his shoulders and frowns, brain working overtime to process the words.
«What do you mean?»
«I don't care. I don't care how many of them you hooked up with. I already know you did it, there's nothing new to hear. And like, good for you, honestly. You're sick in the head, but it's kind of impressive. Still, it's not what I want to hear.»The other stays confused. He puts his own fork down, running a hand through the messy bangs to help himself think. «It's... not?»
«No. – Donghyuck sighs, exasperated, leaning over the table to get closer; maybe that way the other will find him more convincing – I wanna know why, Mark. Why would you mess with Yumei – unintentionally, if you will – and then think it wasn't enough. Why, knowing me, the way you did two years ago, you would watch me be desperate to just... have someone, and ruin it every time. Not the how, Mark, the why.»Donghyuck speaks quietly, not wanting to draw any attention from the stuff, but his piercing gaze and sharp tone show just enough attitude. He huffs again, leaning back. Waiting.
Letting out a long, maddening sigh, Mark scowls at the contents of his plate, head hung low. He's debating, it seems, whether his next words will give Donghyuck what he needs, or make his whole effort be in vain.«I wanted to make you angry. – he surrenders eventually – To make you do something. Maybe confront me, just... anything.
His eyes find Donghyuck's, searching, and the boy does his best to keep a carefully neutral expression. With a thoughtful frown Mark continues, taking the other's silence for approval.
«I know it was selfish and dumb, but I was hurt, too. I wanted you to see it. That girl – that didn't deserve even a minute of your time – she ruined it all. And you let her. I felt betrayed, Hyuck. Just like you.»A tingly, murky feeling tightens around Donghyuck's ribcage, but he quickly realises it's not sadness or annoyance this time – it's relief.
It's liberating, to know he wasn't lonely in that feeling. That their friendship – as short-lived as it was – meant enough for Mark to feel let down, to seek revenge on him, even. It would be touching if it wasn't so toxic in the end.
«You were hurt, and instead of trying to explain that to me, you decided... to make me miserable in retaliation?»
In a classic Mark Lee manner, the other huffs childishly, having a seemingly obvious answer – «Well, maybe if you would listen to me... which you didn't, remember? It wasn't even my fault, but you hated to see me around, or having to talk to me. You hated me, so I thought I should at least make your hate be worth it.»Donghyuck bites his lip. Choking on his own petty excuses that beg to be spat right into the other's face, he takes a sip of his cold lemon tea instead. Swirls it on his tongue, as if rinsing them out, and swallows.There's no use to argue now, he admits to himself, sadly thinking of every lost opportunity they had to figure things out. They're not the same, don't have the luxury to grasp each other's past feelings – even if they try to stich those old wounds, they'll probably make it hurt more.
«What's done is done, – he sighs, drained – Let's say we leave it in the past. What now? And why now? Why not continue trying to ruin my life? Why suddenly... change?»The corners of Mark's mouth turn downwards, gaze fearful. He looks around them, to either check whether anyone else is listening or simply distracting himself from an unpleasant question.
«I... – he starts, shyly, pleading eyes travel back to the other's face – I told you, Hyuck. I missed you. I miss us being friends. Don't you?»
His evident wariness does something funny to Donghyuck's insides – something he has no control over. It's a forgotten instinct, a reflex from beyond the present times – from when Mark's clumsy, uneducated attempts at emotion would make him feel both moved and protective.
He ignores the initial softness that takes over, the quick readiness to agree and save the guy from discomfort.
The clown can't have it that easily.
«Do I? – Donghyuck inquiries sarcastically, grin acidic – Do I miss being friends with Mark Lee who's done sooo much for me?»
Predictably, his unkind tone does nothing to pacify the other – Mark drops his chin, a scared, kicked puppy; lazily tugs at the fork again, playing with food to be less aware of Donghyuck's words and movements; then takes a deep, hopeless breath, preparing himself for a rejection.
Donghyuck scoffs when his nerves betray him. Suddenly, he wants to punch Mark again, to go back in time to that damned party and hit him not twice, but five, six times. To make sure that it all stays there and then – his anger, pity, and regret.
Because now, he feels his weak resolve crack. And a foreign, stupefied sensation taking its place: like a stray gust of wind, it fills his lungs forcefully, producing a sound.
Stupid-stupid Donghyuck. He was never smart enough to walk out of here unharmed, was he?
«I do. – he frowns at his own honesty, tight-lipped and angry with himself – I'm not sure you're worth being missed, but I do.»Silence falls, and Mark's stupid, familiar eyes widen in disbelief.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
«Wipe that grin off your face, – Donghyuck grumbles, hiding both hands in his pockets – It's only a little walk. Doesn't mean anything.»«I know, – Mark nods, still grinning – I'm just kinda... excited. I didn't expect you to agree.»Donghyuck rolls his eyes – for show, mostly. He confidently walks forward, knowing that the other will follow. Quiet, hurried steps behind the boy's back confirm his guess. «What did you expect?»
«Hmm, – Mark hums as he catches his pace, smile only growing bigger – Maybe a little bit of yelling? A lot of curse words? You do love those.»«Fuck off.»Mark laughs, way too happy for one of their very first amicable interactions.
The little bench they're looking for – a peaceful, secretive place between the bushes with a questionable reputation and a great view – isn't far from Donghyuck's apartment.
Quite honestly, he agreed to a walk there after such a long, and tiring day only because of how carefully he avoided it before. It was their place, for a little while: to chill, unwind, share a can of beer or a soda; and when they stopped talking it reminded him too much of Mark to go there alone. And as any other thing they used to do together and later abandoned – made him upset.
Admitting that Mark Lee might've been right about certain things was less infuriating than Donghyuck expected. Both in the café and in the car, when Mark was already driving him home, he kept telling the boy how sorry he was, and how much he wanted to be his friend again, a better friend. It sounded real, like a promise.
And bittersweet as it was, Donghyuck realised he wanted that, too. Never stopped wanting it.
«So what have you been up to?» – Mark asks eagerly, finally sitting down next to him on the bench.
Donghyuck scoffs, feeling that the proximity stresses him out, but not wanting to acknowledge it. «You mean in the last two years?»
Mark doesn't laugh, but his answer is still smothered by amusement – «No, I mean lately. How's your classes, your ankle... Sungchanie said you're going on another date, right? He seems very excited.»
The boy tries not to flinch at that, but Mark's easy attitude still makes him cringe a little. He turns to him with a glare, lips pursed. «Yeah, we are. Are you excited? Gonna blow up his phone again?»
Shivering as if he's cold, the other bites his lip and clears his throat awkwardly. «You mean that one time... – he scratches his nape – I swear I wasn't trying to, like, ruin your date, or anything. He missed practice without telling me why, and he never does that. I was just worried.»«Huh? – Donghyuck moves on the bench to see him better, eyes widened – He missed practice to go on a date with me?»
«Yeah. – Mark nods, contemplating; his hand is still playing with the hair on the back his head, soothing himself – He knew I wouldn't allow him to skip. And just didn't ask. A smart brat.»
Donghyuck smiles dreamily, once again admiring the boy. «Wow. – he marvels – He skipped his jock-thingy for me. He's truly a gentleman.»«I think it's you. Actually. Or, erm, how much he likes you.» – Mark shrugs.
Donghyuck hums and looks away, flustered.
«To be honest with you, I wanted... – Mark continues, voice filled with more determination – I wanted to make sure that you know that I'm not... interfering with you guys in any way. Sungchan is a good kid. And he'll be good... for you.»It sounds like a big stretch, like Mark had to say it, even if he didn't really want to – and Donghyuck isn't a fan of hypocrisy. He ponders over the words once again and sighs. «Do you think I'll be good for him?» – he asks calmly, simply curious this time.
The other takes a moment to think, but it doesn't offend the boy, seeing that his answer is more than confident, ever after the pause. «Maybe too good, – Mark admits with an audible smirk – He's a bit... green, still. And, yeah. Coming from me it sounds like a joke, but. You deserve anyone you want, Hyuck. Sorry if I made you feel otherwise, – he carefully looks into the boy's face, searching for a confirmation of his composure, and only then goes on – Truthfully, as your... former friend – as in the person who cared about you, cares, still – as much as I regret making you unhappy, I don't regret stopping you from dating all of those people. Most of them were shit. No offence.»Donghyuck scoffs, delighted, and not at all offended. He doesn't say the guy is right, but the only person who stayed in his life is still Mark, somehow, and not any of his exes.They allow some silence to sit in between them, politely taking that time to enjoy the view of Donghyuck's old neighbourhood. Flimsy, boney houses with bulky windows don't look too cozy or comforting, but graciously create an ambience: mysterious, haunting, and familiar.
«So peaceful.» – Mark whispers, perhaps trying not to disturb the said peace.
«Yeah.» – Donghyuck agrees. His face begins to feel heavy, skin pulled down by the gravity. He shakes his head to wake himself up, but it triggers a yawn instead, making the other snicker.
«You need some rest. – Mark notes, getting up – Let's walk back.»Donghyuck, now a lot more sluggish, frowns, dragging himself up. «But we didn't... finish talking yet. – he complains, words blurry – I still have to decide what to do with your sorry ass.»That makes Mark laugh, again, and he reaches to squeeze Donghyuck's shoulder, a calming gesture. «You don't have to decide now, — he assures – I'm not going anywhere. You can always call me to talk. Or just to tell me to fuck off for good. I promise I'll listen.»As they approach the entrance to the boy's building, Mark seems to be itching to say something else, but Donghyuck is both too tired to press him, and too afraid to hear what else this stupidly patient, stupidly honest version of him has to say. Whatever it is, Mark keeps it to himself.
«So. Um. Thanks. For talking to me. And not punching me once.» – he says instead, standing in front of him like a naughty school boy that made a mess.
«This joke is getting old, you know. – Donghyuck grumbles at that – You could've punched me, too, if you were so hurt by that.»«Nah, I would never. – Mark shakes his head with a grin – You were kinda cool, but also kinda funny.»«Yeah, I noticed that when you laughed, asshole.»
Mark's smile doesn't fade, and he nods at the door. «Go, Hyuck. Good luck on your date. Really.»Donghyuck nods and walks backwards. He hesitates, after a few steps. «Thanks to you, I guess. – he mumbles, looking at Mark; his face is serene and welcoming, and not stupid for once – For, like, trying to fix things. You're still an asshole, though.»«I know. – the other nods, now walking backwards, too, but still looking back at him – Good night, Hyuck.»«Good night, asshole.»Mark snorts and turns around, fishing out his car keys.
It takes a second of hesitation, but Donghyuck decides he's done enough sulking for the day and sighs. «I'll call! – he yells at the other's back, and when Mark turns his head, mouth open in surprise, adds, quieter – To talk.»
***
He falls asleep quickly that night. No homework, nerve racking tests and exam preparations can fight his consciousness for any room to disturb him. He's sure he will be fine, at last. Even if his date with Sungchan doesn't end the way he wants it to.At the edge of his wakefulness, he still lists all things he didn't have the guts to say to Mark, and maybe won't have for a long time – about his loneliness, about the need to be comforted by the very person who was hurting him, about his hidden scars.
He falls asleep curious – blanket squished between the thighs to release any strain in his muscles, and relaxed like his bed is a mother-of-pearl and he's a jewel – Donghyuck falls asleep curious about the things that Mark wouldn't say, either.
And whether Mark's secrets had anything to do with his own.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
Mark's painfully dry lips crack as he mumbles his own notes to himself for a hundredth time. He scowls, reaches for a chapstick again – a strawberry one, stolen from Jeno – and checks the time while putting it on.
08:47 p.m.
Fucking hell.
It's an annoying habit, to revise things by reading them out loud, and a distracting one, too, because while his mouth is running wild and does all of the hard stuff – his brain gets occupied with its own fantasies, not reflecting a word.
He's spent three last hours studying consumer loyalty – and yet the only loyalty that stays on his mind – is his own.
«Do you think they're already at his place? Want me to check?» – comes annoyingly from behind him, and Mark wishes he had an extra arm just so he could throw shit at Jaemin at any given moment.«Shut up.» – he grumbles, putting the chapstick down to flip his friend off.«They could be having sex right now, you know? – Jaemin continues casually, not minding the crude gesture – Or maybe just kissing on the couch, if Chanie is shy. Hyuck isn't, though, you know that. He's been dying to get laid and Sungchan is so hot. Well, you're his teammate. You know how hot he is better than anyone.»Mark's left hand — the one that's less obedient and sometimes puts extra sweets into his healthy basket at the grocery store even though he knows he shouldn't – squeezes the papers angrily.«I'm busy, Jaemin-ah. – he tries, although his ten previous attempts didn't really work – Can't you study at your own place?»«Oh, no. – his friend replies, irritation seeping through every syllable; Mark hears him getting up and wants to run, only to remember that he's home and sadly has nowhere else to run to – No, Mark Lee. I can't leave now, can I? Because I want to see your face when he texts me. When he tells me how much fun he had and how much he's in love with his brand new boyfriend.The words don't cut through him as sharply as they did when Jaemin said them for the first time. But they're still meant to hurt, of course. And they do.
Jaemin seems to enjoy his stung expression, fake-pouting and putting both hands on his waist.
«Aw, did I make you sad? Did I make your lil' heart go ouchie again? How awful of me.»«Enough. – Mark replies weakly, too tired to keep deflecting him – He's on a date, and he's gonna sleep with Sungchan, and he gonna date him, too. Which he should, 'cause Sungchan is a nice guy. I'm aware, Jaemin-ah. I know all of it, what do you want me to say?»
The other boy scoffs, walking closer and pacing back and forth right in front of him. «I don't know? Maybe why you're not doing shit? Why taking all of the chances that you had, you haven't said anything? And now you're siting here, like a sad fool pretending to study, while Donghyuck exchanges liquids with your good ol' friend?»
Mark's eyes, before he can even order them to stop, go to the clock again.
08:51 p.m.
He winces. Slow, time is too slow now. It does exactly what Mark deserves to be done to him. It gives him an extra chance to suffer.
«I'm not gonna do anything, Jaemin-ah. – he sighs – You told me to stop being an idiot and I did. I'm happy with how things are now, okay? I'm not getting involved into any of this.»He is happy, of course. To have Donghyuck texting him – not to send a death threat – but to tell what he's watching or what he will be eating for breakfast. It's a luxury, after two years of silent suffering and fucking everything up again and again – it's a miracle, to hear Donghyuck's voice over the phone. Just to hear him breathing, even.
Hell, Jaemin could promise him a chance, a castle of gold, a Stephen Curry autograph and Mark still wouldn't find it worth trying. Not if it meant risking everything again. Not in a million years.
08:52 p.m.
Still slow. Still too real to think about it without a tightening chest and a closing throat.
Oh, how much he wishes it was already over.
«So you're cool with being friends with him? – Jaemin quips, gaze sharp – While he'll be dating... your super handsome, super cute friend, who will probably tell you every gross thing he thinks about Donghyuck?»«Yes. – Mark hisses through his teeth, opening his notes again – I'll be mature about it for once, letting him date whoever he wants, Jaemin. And if – and only if, which I don't wish to happen, at all – if they break up, I'll think of taking my own feelings into consideration, and telling him.»«You sound like a douche.» – Jaemin says with disgust.«Donghyuck would argue that I am one.» – Mark mumbles with a scoff.With a petty pinch on his neck, and very loud slam of his already creaky dorm door – Jaemin leaves.And so Mark finally stays there, alone, wide awake until his obsessive minute counting finally reaches 03:00 a.m. and he allows himself to pass out.
***
No one says anything, not a soul even breathes in his direction when Donghyuck joins their shared table the next day: a fat backpack hanging off his elbow and a sweet-smelling container in his hands.«Brought you guys somethin', – the boy mumbles, looking sleepy despite it being late afternoon – Baked them yesterday. Thought I'd die of sugar overdose if I stay one on one with them for too long.»Next to Mark, Jeno squeals in confusion, already stretching out his neck curiously. «Cookies? Weren't you on a date yesterday? When did you even have the time?»
Mark greets Donghyuck, of course, and takes a big breath to slow down his heartbeat. He lets his eyes linger anywhere, as long as they avoid him. It works, but not very well, and then – not at all.
Donghyuck isn't wearing any makeup, haven't been, lately, probably using every extra minute to sleep through the morning.
He's prettier than a flower, regardless: his pink mouth and rosy cheeks, long lashes and glowing skin remind Mark of a baby cherub. Even more so when his silky locks, always a disarray, get into his eyes and make him squint with a pout.
Mark sighs, internally, slapping himself on the cheek.
«Well, duh. – Donghyuck shrugs, fixing his messy hair and sitting down next to Jaemin – I baked them with Sungchan. We kinda fought about who's a better cook and, well... he ran through my kitchen and made these.»
«That's hot.» – Renjun states monotonously before biting his sandwich.
«That's weird, for a date, – Chenle frowns, not appreciating the lack of romance – Did you bake anything else?» – he questions, jumping in excitement and wiggling his eyebrows.
«Chenle...» – warns Jeno, either protecting Donghyuck from awkward questions or simply not wanting to lose his own appetite.
«It's whatever, – Donghyuck says with an eyeroll – You can stop curling your hair, Chenle. Nothing happened yet.»The heavy breath – that was sitting somewhere between the cage of his ribs and the tiny cave of his bellybutton – escapes Mark without his permission. Jaemin stares, the only one to notice. But Mark still pinches the skin between his eyebrows and fakes a yawn to write it off to the exhaustion.
«Damn, you guys are so boring. – Chenle complains, falling back in his chair with a groan – No one dates anyone, no one sleeps with anyone, what can we even talk about? A bunch of losers.»
«Hey! – Renjun whines, pointing at himself – I'm dating... someone. It's just isn't official, yet.»Jeno stills, Donghyuck rolls his eyes and Chenle barks out a laugh. «Imaginary boyfriends from online games don't count, gege.» – he teases, showing the tip of his tongue.
«They do, Junnie, don't listen to him, – Jaemin coos, patting their friend on the shoulder – They're a lot better than sad virgins who don't even have the balls to confess.»
«And who would that be?» – Jeno pouts indignantly, crossing his arms.
Donghyuck giggles, eyeing Renjun and then him – «Yeah, who would that be, Jen?»
Jaemin looks at Donghyuck, opens his mouth, facepalms and shakes his head afterwards. «Nevermind.»«Actually, we do have a popular guy here. – Jisung, who was too busy chewing on a rice cake before, lifts a finger, pointing at Mark – Mark hyung has, like, five girls hanging off of each finger after every game. He must have something to tell.»When everyone immediately stares at his mouth, expecting him to talk, Mark puts down his unused chopsticks and coughs.
«Girls? Sure... I mean...»«Who wants a cookie?» – interrupts Donghyuck, moving his container to the center.
Mark glances at him, infinitely grateful for the distraction, but the boy doesn't bother to pay attention, too busy putting one cookie on each tray.
Everyone's, expect Mark's.
«Sure, bud. I'll have one, too.» – Mark mutters sarcastically, taking one for himself.
Donghyuck scoffs and sits back down, glaring at him from under his long bangs. «You have hands, don't you?»
Oh, he's snarky. Not angry, thankfully, because the tiny shadow of mirth is still visible in the corner of his mouth. But ready to bite a little, to pick at Mark's loose ends and tickle his ego just for fun. Like he always did before.
«And feelings too, Hyuck. – Mark doesn't even try to hide his own teasing smirk – And you're being so cruel.»Jaemin rolls his eyes, loudly opening himself a small bag of potato chips. «Alright, you two. Shut up and eat your damn cookies.»The rest of their lunch is unanimously spent discussing Renjun's unofficial boyfriend – to entertain Chenle's hunger for drama and Jeno's curiosity.
Mark tries to keep his cool, to mostly stay quiet and shake off the persistent desire to stare holes into Donghyuck. But every time he slips, the boy – more often than not – is already looking back at him. Sometimes with a smirk, and sometimes with a thoughtful frown.
He doesn't seem mad that Mark is looking, doesn't seem to find it as irritable as he did only a couple weeks ago. He seems to welcome it, in a way. Maybe having missed it, too, or maybe pitying his obvious excitement now that he knows how Mark's feeling.
Well, knows some parts of it.
Mark finds it more than tolerable, easy as breathing, actually, until Donghyuck starts to frown at the screen of his phone and then leaves in a hurry, escaping shameless whistling and overexaggerated kissy faces of their friends.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***
A soured rumble follows Sungchan's entrance as he runs into the gym, late for the warm-up again. His breaths are staggering, wrinkly uniform already sticking to his chest with sweat. He's holding a half-eaten granola bar.
«Sorry, guys, – he mumbles, chewing, and throws his stuff in the corner – Had to meet a prof for my paper.»«Yeah, right. – someone sneers, causing a few other voices to scoff – Or was busy playing with your new boy toy.»Mark, who was occupied helping their newest and youngest addition to the team to stretch, turns to look at the fearless smarty pants and immediately picks him out. «Nice one, buddy. For that you'll be cleaning up after everyone today. And be the last one to leave.»«B-But hyung!»«Keep it shut, Seongmin. You should be grateful I'm only allowed to use my mouth to punish you.»Sungchan nods at Mark with a happiest smile, walking up to him for a fist bump. It's a mystery how he manages to hear all of that – all the time – and still stay kindhearted and gentle. Above many other things, Mark always envied his self control.
Sungchan has never been shy about his likes and dislikes. He didn't like hypocritical, small-mined or hateful people. Didn't like lying, or pretending to be something he's not. When he didn't even try to hide the fact that he dated both girls and boys, Mark knew that his new talented player wasn't a blessing as much as he was a test: for him as a captain and a friend; for his conscience and sincerity as a decent human being. For Mark Lee, personally, who saw so much of someone else in that boy: in his unapologetic courage to be himself, and vulnerable need for love – of every form and quantity.
Mark wasn't protective of him, if he had to find a word for it, but charitable. He would interfere, as many times as it was needed, to keep the boy away from dirty slurs, shameless insults, and unrefined opinions no one asked for.
He allowed the team to almost crack in half because of his partiality, but it wasn't a question of personal belief, in his mind – only common sense. And he persisted, and was still a captain, and a good one. And still the best player – and those who liked to be assholes more than they liked to milk the perks of being on the team could leave at any time, and he would let them.And he still stood by that, even now, when the rumors of Sungchan and Donghyuck being together spread. Especially now.«You wanna grab an ice cream or something? I feel like I could eat three. Or four.»Mark snorts, rubbing his wet hair with a towel. «Ice cream in such weather? After a practice, too? You're such a child, seriously.»Sungchan whines, slapping him on the arm for better conviction. «You promised to treat me if I find myself a girlfriend or a boyfriend, remember? Well, now is the time.»He grins, mouth so wide it seems like it could actually fit four ice-creams and have some room left for a milkshake.
What a lucky, happy bastard.
«So, it's official, huh? – Mark grumbles, turning away to put his t-shirt on; he isn't really looking forward to lying right into the boy's face – Glad for you, bud. Congratulations.»Sungchan doesn't notice the change in his voice, he nods and goes on about their second date, and a few phone conversations and the jacket incident where Donghyuck finally reached up and kissed him first. He couldn't sound happier if he tried.
Mark would have given anything to share his joy, to smile back – happy for him to have found his love – and mean it.
But Mark Lee works hard to be a lot of things: he is polite, caring, respectful. In the eyes of strangers, he is kind and friendly, and a cool guy to be around. Never boring, nor problematic.
He is also a coward, a liar, a childish lunatic who thought that being nice and popular would be enough to get what he wants the most. (He is also naive, maybe.)Mark is a lot of things, but there's always one thing he struggles with, to be able to make both himself and others happier.
Mark Lee could never be, can never be selfless. He owns himself too proudly to forgo his own, selfish wishes.So he doesn't mean it when he smiles back. Doesn't mean it when he says he can't wait to tease them for being cute and gross in public. Doesn't mean to say that they look like a great couple, but says anyway.To him, they don't – aren't. And it has nothing to do with Sungchan not being good enough.
Be it him, or someone even better, or Adonis himself – Mark could never imagine seeing someone next to Donghyuck and finding it endurable. He tried, but it always felt like a miscalculation of the universe: they were never as pretty as him, sharp as him or bright as him.
They were dull, and draining, and never smart enough to get him. And Mark couldn't stand it, even if compared to them his own worthless greed made him ten times worse.
***
Imagine a peach – a soft, sweet blob of juices with velvety skin and fleshy insides.
Mark's feelings for Donghyuck were a lot like that – plump, delicate and easily bruising, kind of like the boy himself.
They were similarly precious, for he never fell in love before, never was a romantic. Mark probably would've still been a sworn bachelor, if not for one beautiful, snarky, pink-mouthed gremlin who bewitched him and turned his whole world upside down.
His feelings were something to be proud of, something to cherish – and he did, in the backstage of his own mind. He felt honoured to fall for Donghyuck, even if it felt like a mental illness at times.
He felt lucky, to have found Donghyuck. Lucky, and... hopeless.
«Mark? Am I talking to myself or what?»
«Uh. Sorry, Hyuck. – Mark gives himself a tiny pinch on a cheek to wake up – You were saying... uhh..»Donghyuck sighs. «Are you falling asleep? I can tell you're not listening.»«N-No! No. I'm good. Please, go on.»His feet, calves and thighs, limp after a long day, cry in pain at the prospect of sitting for even just one more moment instead of falling into the bed and loosing consciousness.
He was planning to do exactly that, when Donghyuck called, was already on his way to take a relaxing shower.
«For what? – the boy snorts on the other end – You're not remembering any of this.»«Yeah, – Mark snorts back, he truly has no idea what Donghyuck was saying – But I like... listening to you talk. Your voice is relaxing.»The other genuinely laughs at that. «Dude, you're relaxed enough, go to sleep.»«No. Tell me something else. Come on.»Donghyuck tells him about the phone game he's been playing lately, using it as a distraction whenever the non-stop cramming becomes unbearable. Tells about the recipe he learned, and the one he failed to execute, falling asleep right next to the stove and burning his favourite pan.
They're both exhausted – pulling out the last bits of energy left to simply stay awake, the energy they probably need to keep for tomorrow, when the endless, merciless torture of the exam season continues.
But Donghyuck's voice is too nice and melodic and addressed to him, only. And how could Mark even think about doing something so reckless that would push them apart?
Seriously, he should've punched himself first, before Donghyuck even got the chance to.
His mouth works faster than his brain does, and it's not new, but with how often it's been happening lately – it might be the consequence of getting more comfortable with the boy, less guarded.
«Hyuck, can I ask you something?»The boy just hums in response, not minding the interruption. They've been talking about the past a lot, but he still doesn't seem to expect Mark's question.
«What were you thinking about when you... You know. Punched me that one time?»«Oh, god. – Donghyuck whines, and has the audacity to sound embarrassed – Why does everyone like to remind me of it so much? It was an impulse, alright? I wasn't thinking at all.»
It could be the truth, sure. But Mark doesn't believe that. He's spent too much time thinking about that night: about Donghyuck's face – heartbroken for a moment, and then livid. There must've been something on his mind, aside from the kiss.«At all? – Mark teases – You must've at least thought about not giving me a black eye.»
«As if, – Donghyuck scoffs – I just felt crazy. I wanted to turn your whole face into a mess.»
He waits, probably cautious of Mark's reaction to that.
It's funny, really, because Mark remembers how murderous he was back then better than he ever remembered anything.
«And?» – he prompts with a chuckle.
«Well, – Donghyuck sighs – After the first one I was a little scared that you would punch me back. I knew I didn't have a chance in that case. But you didn't, so I thought 'what an asshole, he isn't even fighting back', and hit you again. Just out of pettiness, I guess.»His red eyes and sobs hurt Mark more than his punches did, but they still left a trace, of course.
He thought about the first punch – a desperate, clumsy strike aimed at his nose that not even Donghyuck expected – every time he pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
And about the second one – the meaner one that was a clear fuck you and goodbye – every time someone touched his jaw in a kiss.
«I thought you were gonna kill me for real, – he admits with a smile, falling into the pillows of his sofa – I was gonna let you, too, because you looked so... – he laughs, quietly – You looked like a real demon. Maybe 'cause you were wearing red.»«Or maybe 'cause my make-up was messed up. I looked like a scarecrow.»He looked beautiful.
Mark could never let anybody know about this – Jaemin, especially, as he would never hear the end of it – but that Donghyuck, that furious, unstoppable power that resembled a firestorm, so lovely in his rage; that Donghyuck who only saw him, only looked at him and made his numb face bleed for hours – was the hottest thing Mark has ever seen.
«We both should go to sleep, – Donghyuck decides, a breathy yawn following his words – You have a morning practice, too. And I finally have some extra time to sleep.»«Alright, – Mark agrees, not really wanting to end the call but aware that he'll be useless tomorrow if he doesn't get any rest – Sweet dreams, Hyuck.»«Sweet dreams.»«No asshole this time?»
Donghyuck hums, contemplating.«Sweet dreams, Mark.»
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
***It's an inevitable game, the one Mark dreaded more than any philosophy exams, state team trials or x-rays, following a nasty knee injury.
A game with no one but himself, and not involving a ball, sadly; a test for his composure and acting skills: Donghyuck, Sungchan and him, all at the same table, having a casual conversation, co-existing.
He knew the day would come soon, quick as a lighting, but ignored it when Jaemin advised him to use exposure therapy early on and invite them both to hang out.
«It's just weird, – Mark insisted then, calling his suggestion ridiculous – They're a couple, and I'm friends with one of them and in love with another. What kind of 'hanging out' would it be?»
But maybe Mark should've listened, and dragged them both to the movies to third-weel at their date and burn that itch out of his system beforehand, because now, surrounded by all of their friends – chaotic and dying to gawk at the new couple – he doesn't know where to put himself.
«Mr. Kim is crazy, I'm telling you, – Sungchan complains, picking up his cup to take a sip – I almost went bald from stress and he still said that my results were underwhelming.»His right arm lays on Donghyuck's shoulders, and Mark suspects that he might be the only one to notice how awkward the boy looks doing it.
He's new to this thing – dating someone so dazzling, he confessed to Mark. And it explains why he allowed the other to take initiative on so many occasions. He's clearly trying, though, to act cool and unbothered and do what he probably thinks the other expects from him.
Donghyuck fidgets in his chair, constantly moving closer and further away from the table to be able to both eat and keep his boyfriend's arm on himself.
It's kind of painful to watch.
The strangest thing is that he's even tolerating it, because as much as he likes to get physical with his affection, he's never been good at receiving it so casually. Especially not in public.
Mark sighs, and diverts his gaze.
«He probably just needs to get laid.» – Chenle quips, shaking the ice in his own drink.
«Don't we all?» – Renjun sighs.
Blocking out any further ramblings about people getting laid or not getting laid enough, Mark busies himself with his own dessert, poking the beautifully decorated piece of chocolate cake – his favourite. He doesn't have the appetite to finish it now, feels too nauseous.The thought of throwing up all over the table – so everyone would be mortified enough to stop any conversation and forced to go home – entertains him for half a moment. Then he scoffs to himself, dissapointed by the tricks of his impatient mind.
Surely, he isn't that weak, right?
He can do it for at least twenty more minutes.
«By the way, Mark hyung, – Sungchan calls, and Mark looks away from the mess he made on his plate – Remember that girl that waited for you at our last game? She asked for your number again. Should I give it to her?»
«Oh, yeah. She asked me, too!» – remembers Jeno, and the whole table gasps for new gossip.His mouth doesn't even wait for the brain to form an answer. «No, guys, thanks. – he replies automatically – I'm not in the mood.»When Jaemin cackles at that with an open mouth, Mark sends him a glare.
«Why not? – wonders Jisung with a pout – I know her. She's nice.»«Yeah, no. If she's nice, then it's a good thing Mark's not into her. – Renjun provides knowingly – 'Cause he's gonna drop-kick her after, what? The first date? And never mention her again? Let the girl live in peace.»Donghyuck almost chokes as he laughs with his cheeks full of fries, quickly glancing at Mark. Sungchan pats him on the back, obviously worried, but the boy just shakes his head and keeps chewing. When he swallows, he doesn't say anything, letting the conversation play out without him.
Chenle, suddenly finding the topic more intriguing than his cheesy burger, blinks at Mark suspiciously. «Hmm, that's true. You do do that, don't you? Do you have a secret girlfriend, or something? And then lie to us that you have nothing to tell?»
Suddenly put on the spot, Mark opens his mouth, but doesn't have a chance to retort. «I think he just sleeps around and is too embarrassed to admit it.» – Renjun shrugs.
«No, Mark hyung wouldn't do that, – argues Sungchan – There's always a lot of girls around, and I think he talks to some, but it's never for that.»«Can you guys not talk about me like I'm not even here? – Mark finally begs, helplessly – Actually, can you not talk about me at all?»
«Why not?» – whines Chenle.
«Yeah, why not?» – challenges Renjun.
«Okay, calm down, guys. – Jaemin interrupts, and from the softness of his voice Mark can tell that he's trying to save him, not dig his grave deeper – He's not sleeping around, I would know. He's probably just waiting for the right time.»«Or the right person.» – Sungchan, bless his soul, agrees.After a tense pause, Mark allows himself to glance at Donghyuck, meeting his confident, but inscrutable gaze. The boy gives him a little smile, but it's awkward and, by all means, looks... fake. Mark can't make himself smile back, so he frowns and averts his eyes instead, swallowing down another pathetic sigh.
He is grateful that the boy remains quiet and doesn't voice his own ideas on Mark's dating history (as well as for Jaemin's and Jeno's loud silence, who, at this point, have seen more of it than they probably want to).
But he is also aching to know whether Donghyuck cares about it at all, whether he's at least as curious about it as Chenle is, or only ever gives it attention when he thinks about him as a third party – in his own, failed flings.
***
Mark gets his answer a lot sooner than he expects.
Successfully making it through their dinner, he agrees to Jaemin's offer and accompanies them all for a walk, to see the last sun rays of the day off.
He stays in the back, hoping that at some point everyone's excited chatting will become loud enough for him to dissappear without anyone noticing.
But Sungchan gets pulled into a heated argument about Renjun's favourite video game and whether or not it's worth putting actual money into (currently, Renjun's the only one on his own side), and Donghyuck ends up walking next Mark, escaping Chenle's indignant screeches along with Jeno.
«Say, is that true? – he asks quietly, elbowing Mark in the ribs – What Jaemin said?»
Considering the amount of secrets Jaemin knows about him and his sensitive situation, the first thing Mark almost says is 'no, anything he told you is a lie'. But when he realises what the boy is referring to, he hesitates.
«You mean... me waiting for the right time?» – he asks back, resisting the urge to turn and look at the boy.
«Eh, I guess that, too, but. I meant the not sleeping around part. Didn't you hook up with the people I was tryna' date?»
There's evident humour, curiosity and eagerness in the way he says it, and it confirms that he already put it all behind himself, like it's not even worth a grudge.
Foolishly, Mark wants to believe that it's because of how much he treasures their new attempt at friendship, and not just because his half-baked exes were a bunch of jerks.Instead of getting sentimental on him, Mark smirks. His arrogant dude persona – that Donghyuck always hated to pieces – is better at dealing with embarrassing topics like discussing hook ups with your crush.
«Didn't you say you didn't care about any of it?
Donghyuck grumbles something about stupid jocks and their stupid memory and elbows him again. «I changed my mind. I want to know if you got anything at all out of being a bitch to me, or if you're even a bigger loser than I imagined.»Mark snorts.
It's unlikely that even Donghyuck's outstandingly creative imagination could fit all of his loserness at once, maybe only certain parts of it.
And, hopefully, the parts where he uselessly hoped that stealing any potential love interests from the boy would somehow stop his insistent search for a partner and make him look Mark's way – would never even cross his curious mind.
«Do you think I had time to keep up with my grades, track down your little booty calls, and also maintain some sort of situationships with them? I've shit to do, you know.»Donghyuck explodes with giggles, having to slow down, and Mark's gaze instantly finds his – bright and sunny even under the darkening sky. Thankfully, no one really pays attention to them at this point, so Mark can stare – just for a moment – without feeling too much guilt. For a moment, and nothing more.
«So you're saying – you wanted to cockblock me so bad, you didn't have time for your own fun? Yah, Mark Lee, I never heard of a revenge plan so stupid.»«It wasn't planned. – Mark retorts – I just... tend to be focused on one thing at a time.»He pulls Donghyuck closer when the boy stumbles and almost trips on a hole in the pavement, too distracted by rolling his eyes at Mark. The other thanks him, quietly, laughing at himself this time.
«You're kind of really stupid, Lee. But at least we suffered in tandem.» – he summarises with a smile.
After a short pause, he hums and continues his thought.
«Well, now you can focus on something else, right? Why not give that girl a chance, then?»
It's a friendly suggestion, not a sarcastic comment that Mark often heard from Jaemin, or a sad, but hopeful idea Jeno would throw into every conversation about a girl. They both already tried to snap him out of it, to push him in the right direction without being pushy; about a year into his vicious cycle they even gave up on promoting their Donghyuck agenda and told him to simply move on and try to get to know someone else.
What an insane idea, really. It sounds only more insane coming from Donghyuck.
«I dunno. Maybe. – he lies, staring at his sneakers to avoid looking anywhere else – I guess I should think about it.»«Yeah, maybe you should. – Donghyuck hums with a snort, and then adds, more seriously – You look kinda... lonely.»It takes Mark by surprise, and when he turns his head, wide eyed, Donghyuck is already watching him with a gloomy expression.Mark's good luck ends there, because as soon as he finds something to say back, they're joined by Sungchan.
«You're ready to go?» – the boy asks Donghyuck brightly, oblivious to the strange air floating between the two.
«Yeah, sure. – Donghyuck nods, hesitantly looking away from Mark – Let's go.»His steps are unsure as he's walking away, or maybe Mark imagines it, still not fully recovered from the other's observation.«You're good, lil' man?»Jaemin clings to him shamelessly when the rest of their friends head home. He pretends to be annoying, but it's a facade. He's worried, as always, and he also seeks comfort.He's been hurting for Mark's heartbreak long enough for the pain to be his, too.
«I'm okay, Jaeminie.– he answers lifelessly – Still young and free.»If only he was truly free, Mark would've jumped at the first opportunity to lose his mind in someone else.
Maybe he should.