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An icy breeze pierced through his room.Late-night bugs and frogs chimed bells into nothingness. Lucas's troubled mind shifted its way to sleep as the night dragged on. His quilt and sheets couldn’t quite cover the cold wind rushing in, so it kept the boy up for longer than he’d have liked. But the weather wasn’t the only thing that had kept his mind from slowing. He’d had a rough day before this, swimming in a sea of reminders and guilt, despite not wanting to show it.It didn’t help that he'd visited his family's graves that day as well.The blonde boy thought it’d help him heal, but it merely shook up his thoughts like a snow globe. He didn’t know why it was taking him this long to move on. To get better. Either way, rest finally awaited him, beckoning his tired eyes. Lucas’s mind and body steadily slipped away from him and into slumber while time passed through. . . . . . Rigid, cold stone met the blonde boy’s face. His eyes flickered open, and his body felt disoriented. Dreamlike. The air fell silent, and a subtle glow lit up the way ahead. He seemed to be knocked out on the floor, facing something in front of him. Where was he…? As Lucas lifted himself up from the hard ground and slowly processed what surrounded him, his stomach dropped. He knew exactly where this was. A dimly lit cave, with a faint purple glow and an illuminating needle sticking up from the ground. A figure in front of him. Staring daggers at him. Freckles, a tooth gap, tufts of messy ginger hair covered by the fur of a coat. He was back at the one place he never wanted to return to. The cave of the final needle.No, no, no...Lucas’s face grew panicked, and his mind raced. He felt numb, yet full to the brim. Confusion fueled his rushing thoughts. Claus, however, simply stood there. Watching. Judging. Looking at the boy for who he truly was. His silence persisted for a good few moments as Lucas tried to collect himself.Eventually, however, words began escaping the ginger’s worn mouth. “...Lucas. Why did you do this?” He said somberly. Claus’ eyes appeared dull and tired, beaten down through years of mental torment. It tore at Lucas's resting guilt, opening it up like a broken wound.Another moment of complete silence fell on the two of them, with Lucas not sure what to say. He felt nauseous, just as he did on that day, and he couldn’t entirely look his brother in the eye. Finally, however, to respond, Lucas simply let out a remark he knew he’d regret. “What..What did I do?” He asked quietly, almost not wanting to recognize what he’d said. Because he knew the answer very clearly.
It didn’t take long for his brother to respond. Continuously standing, looking almost lifeless, his all-too-familiar voice echoed through the halls of the dim cave.“You killed me, Lucas. Your badge killed me. Your selfishness, your cowardly actions, all of it played a part in how I ended up. You let my life get ruined…and sat idly by while it all happened. You’re not a hero. You’re a murderer. An indirect, selfish murderer.” “...You don’t deserve to be the one people rely on.”
Tears welled in his eyes. It was one thing to think these thoughts, hear them from his own head late at night, but hearing them out loud felt so much more…real. He knew they were true. Yet that didn’t stop him from mentally unraveling in front of his unabating twin. Pitiful.Lucas’s breathing grew shallow, and he tried continuously to keep himself from crying. It wasn’t working well. All of his emotions simply seemed to be spilling out at once, finally cracking under the weight of these words. Bubbling to the surface after being held down for too long. As his spiraling continued and the blonde boy sunk deeper into his own mind, he heard the metal footsteps of his brother gently nearing where he was standing. Drawing closer, Lucas could now notice how frayed and messy Claus’s hair looked, clearly from a lightning attack. And, alas, the ginger began to speak once more. “You haven’t even given a proper apology. To me, to Mom, to those in Tazmily, everyone’s still waiting… Sitting there and crying won’t fix the mess you’ve made, the regret you feel.”Silence.As the boy’s knees unknowingly grew weak and dropped him to the ground, Lucas realized his brother was right. About everything. He’d done so much, hurt so many people, yet not one apology for it. Not one ‘sorry’ from the kid who didn’t save his mother, didn’t stop his twin, and almost caused the world’s end. He was right; sitting here and crying wouldn’t do anything. But if that’s the case, what could he do? Clearly not much, as his shallow breathing gave way to a full breakdown and his mind incessantly screamed at him. Nausea overwhelmed him. He couldn’t see well. Bright colors grew brighter. Any sounds were covered up by a deafening cry, a call from his thoughts. It screamed and tore him apart, piece by piece. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. He couldn’t. He didn’t know how. He didn’t know much about anything. He could barely exist without ruining something. Do something. Anything. Grow up, do better. Take responsibility. Do something, damn it. As this spiral continued, Lucas felt his surroundings melting away around him like a decaying oil painting. He could only manage one thing out of his mouth as he felt the glaring eyes of his deceased brother. One word he knew he should’ve said earlier, before things turned out this way. It started off quietly. “I’m sorry…” Then it got a little louder. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” It spiraled endlessly in his mind. No amount of effort could change things, fix who he was, but Lucas couldn’t just do nothing. This was the only thing he felt he could do. Tears blinded his vision, and as he gripped his knees on the solid ground, his surroundings seemed to drown out. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I-I’m so sorry…I’m so, so sorry…” Hics and cries interrupted his words. “...Please…I’m sorry…” He could hear Claus talking with him, his voice piercing the boy’s ears. “I’m s-so sorry…Claus, please…” “Get up. I knew you were weak, but this is just hard to watch. Lucas, are you hearing me? Get up.” The blonde boy tried desperately to drown out the noise. But he barely had any energy left. “Please, Claus...” “Lucas. LUCAS.” “I’m sorry...” “LUCAS.” “I’M SORRY!” … He jolted awake. Lucas heard his own voice as his head shot up, soon making him realize how much his throat was hurting. His chest still heaved as panic rested within his worn body. Tears rested in his eyes, reddening his nose and stinging his face. However, as he tried to wipe them away and process everything that had occurred, a familiar voice continued calling out, coming from someone different this time around. “Lucas! Hey, kid…Slow down. Breathe, Lucas.” It was Kumatora. Decked out in a PJ set and having clearly woken up from his doing, she sat at the edge of the boy’s bed and gave him a worried look. The boy continued to hyperventilate restlessly, overwhelmed by all that had just happened. However, she carried on speaking to him. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re here, in your room. Lucas, look at me…you’re safe.” The tired boy looked at her, trying to tune out his own head and focus on his friend’s voice instead. Her hand rested on his shoulder to steady him. Lucas’s breathing began to slow. The room slowly grew quiet. After this moment, Kumatora continued gently talking with the boy. … “...You were, uhm… sleep talking. And saying some pretty concerning things. Luke, I…” Kumatora trailed off, not entirely sure how to finish her sentence. As she did, she realized Lucas looked worried. Nearly as worried as she’d initially been.It was one thing to have nightmares like this, he’d had a few before. But he’d made it his friend’s problem too, and woke her up simply to worry about him. Of course, he didn’t want to explain what this one was entirely about, so the blonde boy simply handed out a vague and quiet answer as he hugged his knees to his chest. “I’m sorry, Kuma. It- It usually happens when I fall asleep later, and I’m sorry the talking worried you. I’ll take some more melatonin next time, and-”“Lucas, you do know that none of what happened was your own fault, right ?” She interrupted him.“Far from it. Kid…you’re one of the sweetest people I know. Please, don’t blame yourself for other people’s messes.” He paused. This was the last thing the boy expected her to say right now.Oddly enough, though, once he processed it all, it was comforting. Heartbreakingly comforting.As he tried to speak, small hics and sniffles made their way into his words, making it too obvious he still wasn’t entirely okay. “A-Alright. Thanks, Kuma.” Lucas darted his eyes to the side. She looked at him sternly, but didn’t raise her voice. “I’m serious. You’re basically the reason any of us are still here. I know you have the whole badge problem with what happened, but…it’s not like you could’ve predicted anything that’d occur that day. I don’t think any of us could.” Silence filled the room once more. Lucas tried in all desperation to keep himself from crying, but he just couldn’t anymore. She didn’t have to be doing any of this, yet she was. She didn’t have to care for him, yet she was. The boy couldn’t muster up much as tears began to stream down his face, with his close friend gently hugging him to console him. She calmed him, told him it would be okay. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had done something like this for him. Cries echoed down the halls of his shared home. The poor kid was finally allowing himself to let his emotions out in front of others, something he typically tried never to do. But with his head buried in Kumatora’s shoulder as they embraced, he finally felt like he could. This quiet comfort was something he never realized how much he needed. The two talked and she continued comforting him, recognizing how much it meant. Her attempts at getting the kid’s mind on something else were working, albeit for the time being.However, as time passed and his close friend eventually left his room, returning to her own, isolation wrapped its cold arms around Lucas once more. Loneliness. Grief could never truly escape him. It always seemed to weave its way back. The kid’s mind began to bite at him once more. He wasn’t sure if he really deserved any of this treatment. He still felt like a cowardly child, so why reward that with Kumatora’s parental-like care? Lucas wasn’t sure what side of his mind he wanted to believe. He just wanted to sleep. Desperately. It was nearing 4 in the morning, and he knew his future self would deeply regret it if he continued to stay up and stress. So he laid flat on his bed and tried to rest. Of course, however, this barely got anywhere. The outside chill reached his room once more, filling him up whole, making him shiver. The voice of his brother rang through his mind. While he’d had pretty bad nightmares in the past, especially after his mother had passed, it was never anything to that degree. It made him fear his own head, as if he didn’t already have enough reasons to dislike himself.
As slumber pulled Lucas in once more, he realized just how much it would take for things to get better.For him to feel like a normal kid. For him to stop having nights like this.
…If only he could fix things.