Work Text
September 19th, 2025 – Schwinn Largo – never used – 250 OBO
So, before you ask, this isn’t a baby shoes never worn situation. I bought this bike for myself (still alive) and don’t need it anymore. I think it’s a good bike. Wouldn’t know. Never rode it. I can, if anything, say that it doesn’t seem super welcoming. All the fuckin wires and chains and pedals. And maybe if it was pink it would be a little bit more approachable. So. The people of Schwinn should know that their bike is really intense looking and intimidating and that maybe some pastel colors wouldn’t hurt. So if you work for them maybe pass that on. I don’t know why you’d be looking for bikes on Craigslist if you work for a bike company but, hey, to each their own.
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September 19th, 12:02pmHello there! May I ask why the bike was never used? It seems to be a perfectly fine bike. I read what you said about the pastel colors and I can’t say I disagree, but certainly there are other bikes out there that aren’t black! Why didn’t you buy one of those? I know this must seem a lot of questions for a Craigslist transaction, but you have my curiosity piqued!Best,Stede Bonnet
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September 19th, 12:16pmNo, you may not ask why the bike was never used. Are you interested in buying it, mate? Because none of those questions actually have anything to do with, like, the function of the bike. They’re all about me. And this wasn’t a listing for my life story. Lol.
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September 19th, 12:29pmI can tell by the curtness of your ‘Lol’ that you did not actually find anything funny. I am interested in the bike. But before we go through with the transaction, could you at least tell me why you never rode it? If only to assure me that there’s nothing wrong with it?Best,Stede Bonnet
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September 19th, 12:37pmI mean, it’s not like you know me so I guess I can tell you. I can’t ride a bike. Never learned. Fuckin yuk it up. Grown man can’t ride a bike. I bought it so I could learn but I couldn’t get myself on the fucking thing. Felt like it was glaring at me. Like every time I tried to get on it it was mad at me for even trying.
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September 19th, 12:45pmThere’s no shame in not being able to ride a bike! We don’t all learn at a young age, but that’s no reason to give up! I promise you that the bike is not mad at you, though I do agree that it does look a little intimidating for one’s first bike. Maybe you could spray paint it?Best,Stede Bonnet
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September 19th, 12:56pmLook, mate. I’m not interested in troubleshooting the bike. I’m trying to sell it to you. I can go lower if you need, it’s no skin off my back. I’m already losing out on the original price, so you’re really not going to get a better deal anywhere. The thing is practically yours.
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September 19th, 1:08pmHm. I’m afraid I’m not going to stand down so easily. Why not give it a try? You’re a beginner at everything until you start! Once upon a time you didn’t know how to drive a car either! Best,Stede Bonnet
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September 19th, 1:10pmI don’t drive.
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September 19th, 1:15pmWell, maybe that was a poor example. Here’s some others: typing on a computer, tying your shoes, poaching an egg, etc. All things that you didn’t know how to do until you started doing them! Best,Stede Bonnet
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September 19th, 1:32pmWhat kind of world do you live in where poaching an egg is on the same level as tying your shoes? (Also, fyi, never learned to tie my shoes. I still tie the two bunny ears together.)
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September 19th, 1:36pmNow you’re just being contrarian. Learning to tie your shoes is easy. There are Youtube videos about it! You could learn in a matter of minutes!
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September 19th, 1:40pmLolllll. I know I could. I just don’t have the time. Too busy learning how to poach an egg. Also, what happened to “Best, Stede Bonnet”? You no longer wish me the best?
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September 19th, 1:53pmYou’re so frustrating. How did we get this off topic anyway? Why don’t you take the bike to the park and just get on? I’d be willing to send you some pointers re: balance, but it really is trial and error! Best,Stede Bonnet
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September 19th, 2:07pmNot how it works for me.
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September 19th, 2:08pmAnd how does it “work for you”?
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September 19th, 2:15pmI can’t just fail at something over and over again until I get it right. Especially not in front of other people. Fuckin’ mortifying.
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September 19th, 2:27pmOh, are you one of those people who can’t be bad at anything? The “sweeping the pieces off of the monopoly board” type? Listen, [email protected] , you can do anything you put your mind to. I’m sure there are plenty of things that you’re good at that that you had to work at over time!Best,Stede Bonnet
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September 19th, 2:38pmWow. Thanks for the motivational speech, man. Really changed my mind. I think I’m gonna keep the bike after all.
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September 19th, 2:39pmReally?
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September 19th, 2:41pmNo, not really. I’m not keeping this fucking bike. You can either buy it from me, or it’s going on the street.
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September 19th, 2:45pmSubject line: IMPORTANT!!!!Do not under any circumstance put it on the street! It’s a 500 dollar bike!
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September 19th, 2:50pmCool your jets, mate. I’m not actually going to do that. You’re gonna buy it from me. And sure, yeah, there are things I’m good at that I had to work at. My whole job is one of those. But riding a bike is easy. And I can’t do it. So. Yeah. Less thrilled about having to work to get good at that.
[email protected]
September 19th, 3:01pmListen, Ed (? I assume that’s your name?). Sometimes the things we see as easy are not actually as simple as they seem! Riding a bike is hard for some! That doesn’t make you lesser (if that’s what you’re worried about?). You’re a strong willed individual. I believe in you. Best,Stede
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September 19th, 7:00pmWas that too much? I’m sorry if I crossed a line.
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September 20th, 10:03amJust wanted to apologize again. I’d be glad to take the bike if you still want to sell it.
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September 20th, 10:15amHow do you know that I’m a strong willed individual?
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September 20th, 10:22amWell, if you have a job that you had to work over time to get good at it I’m sure you have a lot of ambition, a lot of determination! And, well, I didn’t know at the time, but I Googled you after I sent the email. You’re a very accomplished chef, Ed! And you’ve gotten through a lot of hardship in order to get where you are now! That’s a lot to be proud of :) And, I’d be willing to bet based on that that you’re able to learn how to ride a bike!Best,Stede(P.S. You do know how to poach an egg!)
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September 20th, 10:30amAll that shit was nothing. Articles make it sound worse than it was.
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September 20th, 10:37amI’d say it had to have been harder than riding a bike, Edward.
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September 20th, 10:48amYou don’t even know me, man. Don’t know my story aside from what that Times article had to say about me. Half of that shit was from “friends of Edward Teach” or whatever. They don’t know anything about me and neither do you.
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September 20th, 11:02amI’m sorry to overstep, Ed. But I really must insist, even the daily wear and tear of life is harder than riding a bike! And you bought that bike for yourself, it wasn’t even a gift from someone else! You must have really wanted it to work out! That’s how I know you’ll be able to do it if you give it a try.
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September 20th, 11:13amWasn’t me, man. It was a demon who took over my body at like 4am one night and decided that it wanted to learn how to ride a bike. Definitely not me.
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September 20th, 11:24amHa ha. But really! You deserve to do something nice for yourself, Ed. Starting something new can be refreshing and empowering! It can lead to new discoveries!Best,Stede
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September 20th, 11:32am…Yeah, this isn’t making me want to get on the bike any more. There’s probably easier shit to do that might be “refreshing” and “empowering” lol. I could get into doing puzzles or something. Scooter might be easier. I could buy a scooter.
[email protected]
September 20th, 11:38amSure, you could buy a scooter. But you already have this lovely bike! Ed, I insist that you bring the bike to the park and try to get on it. Do you have any friends that you could go with? Maybe somebody that could hold the bike up for you while you get on?Best,Stede
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September 20th, 11:47amWhat??? Am I fucking 5? You want me to bring a friend to the park to hold the bike up for me???? I have a reputation, man. And I don’t really have any friends who would do that. Not that that really matters. Because I’m not going to do that even if I did.
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September 20th, 12:01pmI would go with you. Would you be interested in that?
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September 20th, 12:05pmNo offense, mate, but I don’t know you.
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September 20th, 12:06pmWould you really?
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September 20th, 12:08pmYes, of course. I’d love to do that with you, Ed.
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September 20th, 12:15pmOh. Well, maybe. I guess. How do I know you’re not a serial killer? Looking for victims in the bike section of Craigslist?
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September 20th, 12:22pm
www.bonnet.org/stedebonnet
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September 20th, 12:25pmRight. You’re some type of corporate bigwig, huh?
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September 20th, 12:28pmNot for long!
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September 20th, 12:35pmGiving up the job to become a serial killer?
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September 20th, 12:39pmMore like to do what makes me happy.
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September 20th, 12:41pmAnd what makes Stede Bonnet happy?
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September 20th, 12:47pmWell, riding my bike, for one. ;)
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September 20th, 12:50pmYeah, yeah. I get it. Riding a bike is the best thing ever.
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September 20th, 12:52pmBetter than working a corporate job, anyway. LOL.
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September 20th, 1:01pmAren’t you worried your higher ups will see that email?
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September 20th, 1:05pmDidn’t you read my profile?
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September 20th, 1:09pmOhhhh. You ARE the higher up. Lmao. How’d you get in that position?
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September 20th, 1:14pmI inherited the company after my father passed last year.
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September 20th, 1:18pmOh. Sorry for your loss, man.
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September 20th, 1:20pmOh, don’t be. He was an asshole. Made my life a living hell before he died.
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September 20th, 1:26pmThen congratulations?
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September 20th, 1:30pmThank you! :)
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September 20th, 1:37pmYou’re welcome.
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September 20th, 1:42pmHey, here’s my phone number. You should text me. So we can set up a bike time. 212-453-4196.
[email protected]
September 20th, 1:44pmWill do!
Stede - 212-434-5644 - 9/20/25 1:46pmHello, Ed!Ed - 212-453-4196 1:47pmHey. So. Bike. Stede - 1:49pmYes, bike! Would you like to meet in the park?Ed - 1:51pmProbably should. Just in case you do turn out to be crazy.Stede - 1:52pmI never said I wasn’t crazy. LOLEd - 1:53pmWow. Ed - 1:53pmMaking me feel way better about meeting you. Stede - 1:54pmSorry. Ed - 1:55pmYou’re fine lmao. Ed - 1:55pmIt was funny.Stede - 1:56pm:) Ed - 1:57pmYou seem pretty comfortable meeting a stranger you know nothing about. Do you do this a lot?Stede - 1:58pmOh, no. This is a brand new thing for me. Figure it would do me well, getting out of my shell a bit!Ed - 1:59pmYeah, me too. So focused on work that I never get out, y’know? Feels like I’m treading water, just waiting to drown. Ed - 1:59pmYou ever felt like that?Stede - 2:00pmYes. I very much have felt that way. I think quitting my job will help, though. Ed - 2:01pmSometimes wish I could pack it all in. Stede - 2:02pmWhy don’t you?Ed - 2:03pmIt’s my whole life. Don’t have much else.Stede - 2:05pmYou deserve a fuller and happier life, Ed. Outside of your restaurant.Ed - 2:08pmHow do you know what I deserve?Stede - 2:08pmYou’re a good person, Ed.Stede - 2:08pmI can tell.Stede - 2:08pmYou’re kind.Ed - 2:10pmI’ve been a dick to you the whole time we’ve been talking, mate.Stede - 2:11pmOh, I don’t see it that way. I was prying. You were right to get defensive.Ed - 2:12pmHuh. Ed - 2:12pmOkay.Ed - 2:13pmA fuller and happier life.Stede - 2:14pmYou know what would be a good first step?Ed - 2:14pmWhat?Stede - 2:15pmGetting on that damn bike.
Stede - 9/21/25 - 4:00pmEd, are you there?Stede - 4:05pmEd?Stede - 4:10pmAre you alright?Stede - 4:11pmIs your knee alright?Stede - 4:13pmI know it’s frustrating to not get it on the first try.Stede - 4:14pmBut you can’t give up completely.Ed - 4:16pmI actually can give up completelyEd - 4:17pmIt’s what I’m doing right now.Stede - 4:18pmEdward.Ed - 4:18pmStedeward.Stede - 4:20pmEd, be serious. You’ve done so many difficult things in your life. This does not have to be one of them!!! All that it takes is practice!Ed - 4:21pmPractice shmactice.Stede - 4:22pmYou’re so stubborn. Stede - 4:22pmI want you to come with me to the park again tomorrow.Ed - 4:23pmNo thanks. Stede - 4:24pmEd, I want you to be able to do this. You’re a talented man. Stede - 4:24pmAnd I enjoyed spending time with you.Stede - 4:25pmUntil you stormed off.Ed - 4:25pmReally?Ed - 4:25pmI meanEd - 4:25pmYeah.Ed - 4:26pmMe too.Stede - 4:27pmWill you come out with me tomorrow?Ed - 4:28pmI have restaurant stuff to do.Stede - 4:29pmRestaurant shmesteraunt.Ed - 4:30pmIt’s my whole life, man. I can’t just set it aside so I can go try to ride a bikeStede - 4:31pmWell, what did you do today?Ed - 4:31pm…Stede - 4:32pmI’m sure your employees can take care of the restaurant for one more day.Stede - 4:33pmThis might even teach you to take more time for yourself!Stede - 4:33pmLike exposure therapy!Ed - 4:34pmI guess. Ed - 4:37pmI just feel guilty.Stede - 4:37pmWhat if you were sick?Ed - 4:38pmSure, but I’m not. I’m off fucking around with some guy I just met who’s teaching me how to ride a bike. Stede - 4:39pmI wouldn’t say we were fucking around, Ed. I was teaching you a valuable life skill!Ed - 4:41pmRiding a bike is not a valuable life skill, manEd - 4:42pmI’ve gone this long without itEd - 4:43pmAnd by the way, I’m still not over you already having a perfectly fine bikeEd - 4:43pmWhy were you looking for a new one??Stede - 4:44pmI was looking for one for my daughter, actuallyStede - 4:50pmEd?Ed - 4:53pmYou have a daughter?Stede - 4:54pmYes! And a son. Alma and Louis.Ed - 4:58pmOh. So you’re married?Stede - 4:59pmActually no, recently divorced!Ed - 5:00pmOh.Ed - 5:01pmSo you got divorced, you’re quitting your job…Stede - 5:02pmYes, a lot of big life changes at once! But I feel good about them.Ed - 5:02pmAnything else change?Stede - 5:05pmOh, well, I came out. :) Ed - 5:06pmSo not an ex-husband?Stede - 5:07pmNo, an ex-wife. We were married for 27 years.Ed - 5:07pmWoof. So a big change.Ed - 5:08pmI’m gay tooEd - 5:08pmBy the way.Ed - 5:08pmNot that it matters.Stede - 5:09pmOh! What are the odds?Ed - 5:10pmIn this city? Pretty high, man. Stede - 5:11pmHaha. True. Ed - 5:13pmSo, the bike for Alma.Ed - 5:13pmCould still take it off my hands, if you wanted.Stede - 5:14pmNo. I’m much too invested in making sure you keep it.Ed - 5:16pmYou’re gonna be disappointed when I give up and take the fuckin thing apart so that I don’t have to look at it anymoreStede - 5:17pmI don’t think you’d do thatEd - 5:18pmDon’t be so sure.Stede - 5:19pmSo, tomorrow?Ed - 5:20pmUghhhhhEd - 5:22pmYesEd - 5:22pmTomorrow
Stede - 9/22/25 12:32pmHow’d I lose you?Stede - 12:35pmEd?Stede - 12:35pmPlease tell me you didn’t go home againEd - 12:38pmNot homeStede - 12:38pmWhere are you?Ed - 12:40pmDon’t knowStede - 12:40pmYou don’t know? Ed, are you alright?Ed - 12:42pmPanickingStede - 12:43pmOh. Ed, please tell me where you are so I can come help youStede - 12:44pmWas it the conversation we had about your father?Stede - 12:44pmI didn’t mean to cross a boundaryEd - 12:45pmYou didn’tEd - 12:46pmIt’s fineStede - 12:46pmIt’s not fine. You’re thoroughly wigged out!Stede - 12:48pmI think I see you. Don’t move I’m on my way
Ed - 3:05pmSorry about today.Stede - 3:06pmEd, you don’t have to apologize.Stede - 3:06pmI’M sorry. You were doing so well, and I just thoughtStede - 3:07pmI don’t know what I thoughtStede - 3:08pmI guess I thought it would be a good thing to get to the root of why you’re so hesitant about thisEd - 3:09pmMakes sense.Stede - 3:09pmBut maybe I took it too far.Ed - 3:10pmIt’s cool, manEd - 3:11pmI know you were just trying to helpEd - 3:12pmI didn’t mean to freak out. Sorry.Stede - 3:14pmDon’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for, Edward.Ed - 3:17pmJust felt so stupid. Like a kid again.Ed - 3:18pmI don’t like feeling like that.Stede - 3:21pmI understand. Did I tell you that the two men directly below me are peers from my childhood? Every time I go to work I’m back there, barely 10 years old and being told I’m worthless. Stede - 3:22pmWe can’t control when it hits us, Ed.Stede - 3:24pmI wish you hadn’t run off.Ed - 3:25pmI was scared. Ed - 3:26pmDidn’t know if I could trust you.Stede - 3:27pmYou can trust me.Ed - 3:30pmCan I call you? (INCOMING CALL) Stede Bonnet 3:30pm(CALL ENDED) Duration: 3hr 45min
Stede - 9/23/25 9:03amGood morning, Ed!Ed - 9:05amMorning. Are you going to make me go to the park with you again?Stede - 9:06amIf you will :) Ed - 9:07amWhy don’t we do something else?Ed - 9:09amLike coffee? Stede - 9:12amCoffee sounds fun. But first we’ll go to the park for, say, an hour? And then we’ll try riding over to a coffee shop.Ed - 9:13amI can’t stay upright on the fucking bike, man. How am I supposed to ride to the coffee shop?Stede - 9:14amI think some in vivo exposure might help you! We’ll just hop on our bikes and ride over, easy peasy.Ed - 9:15amNot easy peasyEd - 9:15amNot even close to easy peasyStede - 9:16amWhy don’t we give it a try, at least?Ed - 9:17amYou’re lucky I like hanging out with you so muchStede - 9:18amYou do?Ed - 9:20amCourse I do.Stede - 9:23amOh. Well. That’s very kind of you to say, Ed.Stede - 9:25amI like hanging out with you too.Ed - 9:26amI’ll give it a try. Ed - 5:14pmHey. I had a lot of fun today. Wanna practice more tomorrow?
Ed - 7:23pmStede?
Ed - 9/24/25 10:45amHey, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.Ed - 10:46amMaybe you’re not ready for something like thatEd - 10:46amAnd that’s fineEd - 10:46amI mean.Ed - 10:50amI really like you, man.Ed - 10:55amMaybe I’m being too much.Ed - 11:02amIt just felt like you wereEd - 11:15amYou kissed me back, man.
Ed - 9/25/25 11:36amYou can’t just shut me out, Stede. That’s not fair.
Ed - 9/27/25 1:46pmAt least tell me you’re not interested.
Ed - 9/30/25 11:45pmThis is fucked up, man. You know what? Don’t bother reaching out.
Schwinn Largo – lightly used – 100 OBO
Used this bike like 4 times. Works fine. Looking to get rid of it ASAP.
Inbox (3)10/5/25 - 4:32pm gb1717@gmail .com - Re: Schwinn Largo – lightly used – 100 OBO – would you do 50?10/5/25 - 5:22pm [email protected] - Re: Schwinn Largo – lightly used – 100 OBO – This bike is worth like 500 dolla…10/5/25 - 5:55pm [email protected] - Re: Schwinn Largo – lightly used – 100 OBO – Would u transport to Brookl… Inbox (3)10/6/25 - 1:45pm [email protected] - Re: Re: Schwinn Largo – lightly used – 100 OBO – how about 75?10/6/25 - 3:22pm [email protected] - Re: Schwinn Largo – lightly used – 100 OBO – Still available?10/6/25 4:00pm [email protected] - Where the fuck are you? – You’re being irresponsible, Edw… Inbox (3)10/7/25 2:32pm [email protected] - Re: Re: Re: Schwinn Largo – lightly used – 100 OBO – i guess i can do 100…10/7/25 4:00pm [email protected] - Re: Where the fuck are you? – Everyone is counting on you…10/7/25 8:22pm [email protected] - Re: Schwinn Largo – lightly used – 100 OBO – 100 dollars, Ed? You’re prac…
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October 7th, 8:22pm100 dollars, Ed? You’re practically giving it away for free. [email protected] October 7th, 8:45pmStupid fucking thing is worthless.
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October 7th, 8:48pmYou’re being melodramatic. It’s a nice bike.
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October 7th, 8:55pmExcuse me? Fuck the fucking bike. You’re a fucking ghost, dude. I don’t even want to talk to you. I don’t know why I responded.
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October 7th, 8:57pmI’m sorry, Ed. I just needed some time to think, alright?
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October 7th, 9:00pmNo, not alright. You don’t get to just fucking disappear whenever it’s convenient for you.
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October 7th, 9:00pmThat’s rich coming from you, Edward.
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October 7th, 9:03pmAre you serious? I left one time, the day we fucking met. And I texted you directly after. You disappeared for TWO WEEKS after I kissed you. That’s not the same thing.
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October 7th, 9:10pmI know it isn’t. And I’m sorry. You have to imagine how I felt. I haven’t kissed anyone since my wife. I haven’t ever kissed anyone I’m actually attracted to.
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October 7th, 9:15pmYou can’t just run away from shit you’re afraid of, Stede. You aren’t going to follow your own fucking advice?
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October 7th, 9:16pmI like you too much to make you spend any more time with me, Ed.
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October 7th, 9:18pmWhat are you even talking about, man?
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October 7th, 9:20pmI ruin everything I touch.
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October 7th, 9:22pmNow who’s being melodramatic? I like spending time with you. Nothing’s going to change that.
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October 7th, 9:23pmYou don’t know that.
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October 7th, 9:26pmI do know that. I’m stubborn, remember? We’ll make it work. And even if it doesn’t I’m gonna stick around to find out.
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October 7th, 9:27pmWhat if I hurt you?
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October 7th, 9:29pmAlready did that. And I’m still here. Only posted that fucking Craigslist ad so you’d email me.
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October 7th, 9:30pmYou did?
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October 7th, 9:32pmDuh. Listing a 500 dollar bike for 100 dollars is bait for Stede Bonnets lol. I’m not getting rid of the bike. You’re right. I do feel fuller and happier.
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October 7th, 9:33pmCould just be meeting you, though.
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October 7th, 9:36pmYou’re getting quite good.
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October 7th, 9:38pmI know. I took it to the park yesterday and made it like ten feet before I fell. Are you proud?
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October 7th, 9:40pmImmensely. Ed, I’m sorry.
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October 7th, 9:45pmJust don’t do it again, alright? I wanna go on another date with you. And you’re gonna text me right after you get home from this one.
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October 7th, 9:47pmOkay. You’re sure?
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October 7th, 9:48pmYes. How’s dinner tonight at 8? You pick the spot.
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October 7th, 9:50pmI’ll be there.
October 7th, 2026 – Schwinn Largo – heavily used – 50 OBOLooking to get rid of this bike because my husband got me a new one for our anniversary. Good for beginners, I learned to ride one on this thing. Trusty, steady. Kind of intimidating looking, but you could spray paint it a different color. If you don’t want to ride it, you could always relist it on here after you buy it and meet your soulmate that way. Lol. But really, you never know who’s looking for a new bike.