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“Akin na phone mo,” Juyeon hears his best friend say across from him. He breaks off his train of thought and looks at the younger boy with tired eyes. Chanhee almost feels bad for him, if it wasn’t for the reason that got him to this state.“Bakit? Naka-baba naman eh,” Juyeon defends himself as if Chanhee asking for his phone was an attack. “Ngayon. Naka-baba ngayon,” the latter emphasizes as he puts his palm out and gestures for Juyeon to hand his phone over. He obliges. Just not as willing as Chanhee wanted him to be. “Kung hindi ko ‘to kukunin, nasa tenga mo na ‘to mamaya tas umiiyak ka na kasi ‘di ka sinasagot ni Changmin.”Juyeon almost flinches at the mention of his ex. The sound of his name stings his ears like a piercing through the skin. ‘Di niya alam bakit in-assume ni Chanhee na tatawagan niya ‘yun, e, pangalan pa nga lang niya hindi niya kayang marinig. Boses niya pa kaya?“Hoy,” Juyeon starts as he slides a straw inside the can of soda in front of him. “Asumero ka ng taon. I wasn’t planning on calling him at all. ‘Di ba nga sabi ko pagdating ng December, wala na siya sa buhay ko?”Chanhee scoffs at his best friend’s claim and eyes the soda he’s drinking from before sipping on his own, “Matagal na siyang wala sa buhay mo. Ikaw lang ‘tong may pasimuno ng Christmas resolution kuno dahil ngayon mo lang naisipang mag-move on.”“Ang tagal ko nang nag-mmove on, excuse me!” Juyeon glares at him. He knew that was a lie. It was just a week ago when he looked through their old photos and cried at the thought of never seeing Changmin smile through his lens again– or at all. Sino na ang ilalaman ng mga litrato niya?“Kwento mo sa softdrink mong favorite flavor ni Changmin,” Chanhee shoots back, rolling his eyes at his best friend’s stubbornness. He doesn’t know why he acts all tough and mighty in front of him; it’s not like i-jjudge niya siya. Chanhee has begged on his knees in front of his exes– trust me, he’s the last person to judge someone who’s in the state of moving on.The older of the two slowly lets his guard down. Nothing gets past his best friend.He looks at the fizzing soda in front of him and swears he could hear Changmin’s laughter somewhere in between. Or maybe he’s just going crazy.It’s definitely the latter.“Whatever,” he says, quiet and a little defeated.Chanhee sighs, putting Juyeon’s phone down on the table again, just beside his own plate. He couldn’t give it back to its owner just yet.“Alam mo, it’s not that I’m against you calling him,” he starts. “Hell, kahit i-video chat mo pa, sige,” Juyeon chuckles a little. “Ang sakin lang, nakailang tawag ka na dati. Ni-isa sinagot niya. I don’t know what makes you think this time would be any different.”Deep down, Juyeon knows Chanhee is right. By the end of the night, he’ll be preparing to go home. Chanhee will have a car waiting for him outside. They’ll wave each other goodbye. Juyeon will sit on the sidewalk, outside the cafe that they just stepped out of. He’ll make sure Chanhee has actually sped off, then he’ll fish his phone out of his pocket. He’ll think a phone call won’t hurt. Pulling up his contacts, he won’t have to scroll through the list because the numbers would flow from his fingertips like a habit that just itches to be done. Then it’ll ring. And ring. And ring. And ring.Then he’ll have to make a choice; kung ibababa nalang ba niya o papakinggan yung tunog ng tawag niyang hindi sasagutin. He’ll pick the latter and hope. He’ll hope that by the thousandth ring, Changmin will pick up and he’ll get to hear his voice. Baka kasi kayanin na niya, at matanong niya kung pwede pa ba. Baka pwede pa.“Awat na, baks,” Chanhee lightheartedly says, attempting to insert some sort of humor to get Juyeon out of his little bubble that he so obviously put himself in the moment Chanhee mentioned the millions of calls that were never returned. “‘Ta mo, walang alak pero nagkakaganyan ka na. Buti nalang talaga hindi tayo nagwawalwal ngayon!”Juyeon snaps out of it and laughs at his best friend’s attempt to lighten the mood. Gumana naman. Medyo dramatic lang ang eksena nila ngayon.“If I promise not to call him, can I have my phone back?”“Dinadaan mo pa ‘ko sa ganyan,” Chanhee rolls his eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight. “Kahit naman mag-promise ka, nasa sa’yo pa rin kung gusto mo talagang tawagan. Basta ang sakin lang, Christmas na Christmas, magpapakatanga ka.”Kahit hindi naman Christmas, handa siyang magpakatanga.“Kunin mo na nga,” sliding over the phone to its owner, Chanhee huffs. “Parang kang kawawang bata.”“Thanks, Hee,” Juyeon almost beams.“Bahala ka!” the blonde shakes his head before changing the topic, “Anyway, daan ako bukas kasi for sure may pamigay si tita na fruit salad. Tabihan mo na ‘ko, baks, ah!”“Kapal!” Juyeon exclaims, laughing at his best friend and forgetting the relentless hope settling into his veins. Mamaya na niya iisipin.—“Andiyan na raw Grab ko,” Chanhee says as he gets ready to go. “Sure kang ‘di ka na sabay sa’kin? Sabi sa’yo sa bahay ka nalang kasi mag-book.”“Okay nga lang,” Juyeon chuckles, waving him off. “Naka-book naman na rin ako. Hinihintay ko lang. Traffic ata eh.”Chanhee looks at him with pursed lips and a raised eyebrow. “‘Wag ako, please. In-eeme mo pa ‘ko.”He sees through the older so clearly. Wala nang maitatago sakanya ‘to.“Call me later,” he hugs him before getting in the car. He rolls the window down before letting the driver drive off.“And for the record, I do hope it’ll be different this time.” Chanhee gives him a small smile before rolling the window back up.Juyeon hopes for the same thing. Sana nga iba na ngayon.He sits just outside the cafe, already dialing the number he’s had in his head all night. A lot of thoughts swarm his brain as he listens to the rings that he’s all too familiar with. Christmas naman, ‘di ba? Baka mapagbigyan siya ni Changmin. Baka sagutin na niya yung tawag. Baka hindi na magmukhang tanga si Juyeon bago matapos ang taon. Baka lang naman. Hindi naman siguro masamang humiling ng himala?By the nth ring, Juyeon decides to let it rest. He’s a mess; tears on his cheeks and the back of his throat, breathing so heavily that it matches the sting of the cold– he’s given up but at the cost of hoping he wouldn’t.Pero tao lang rin naman siya, napapagod. Baka tama nga si Chanhee; awat na.As he goes to press the cancel button on his phone, a static silence replaces the ringing noise. Juyeon feels his heart stop and his hands go numb. Is he actually going crazy? Sa mental na ba siya rerekta?“Hello, Juyeon?”Changmin’s voice seeps through the speaker like an old tune nostalgic to a toddler. The way Juyeon’s name rolls off his tongue is honeyed; smooth but thick with question. He wonders why his ex-lover hasn’t given up on calling him. Why does his phone still ring every other week? Why didn’t the cold of the holidays sweep the memory of him under Juyeon’s feet?Why is it, na kahit saktan at saktan niya si Juyeon, siya pa rin ang unang iniisip nito? Hindi ba siya napapagod? Hindi pa ba siya pagod?It is at this moment that Juyeon decides to end the call. With tears on his cheeks and his heart on his sleeve, he decides to end the call. With labored breathing and confusion in his eyes, he decides to end the call.He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s gotten used to his calls being ignored, but he realizes he has nothing to say.Maybe because there isn’t anything to say.Baka boses lang ni Changmin sapat na. Isang segundo ng boses niya para sabihin ni Juyeon na tama na. Kasi ano nga naman ang sasabihin niya sa taong hindi na siya mahal?Miss na kita? Mahal pa rin kita? Merry Christmas, baka pwede pa?“Awat na,” Juyeon whispers, a teardrop hanging off the tip of his nose as he looks down at his phone that’s now shut off; the black screen showing him the face of a man whose exhaustion got the better of him.He stands, wipes his face with the paw of his sweater, and starts walking to the nearest bus station. Fuck booking and waiting for a ride; uuwi na siya. Bukas na niya iisipin. He keeps his head straight, ignoring how red his nose has gotten, and sits on an empty seat under the waiting shed.He does nothing yet he feels the weight of everything. But the heaviness doesn’t make him budge. Walang makakagalaw sakanya ngayon. Kahit buong gabi siyang maghintay ng bus, kahit abutin na siya ng sikat ng araw— he will continue to do nothing.Even when his phone is ringing in his pocket and his ex-lover’s name is glowing white on the screen.He will continue to do nothing.Awat na.