Work Text
Once Sirius had left, that was it.They hadn’t been on good terms for a long time before that, but Regulus had hoped things might get better, eventually. He had hoped that Sirius might start to play by the rules, on occasion. Failing that, he had hoped that their parents might backtrack, instead of continuing on their trajectory of becoming increasingly severe.He should have known better by now than to believe in that sort of thing. He should have known that their parents would only become more demanding, as Sirius’s rebellion became more brazen, until there was no longer any chance of salvaging what Regulus told himself must once have been a home.Simply hoping for a positive outcome, without doing anything himself to bring it about, had been almost comically idiotic. It was too late now. Sirius was gone and would never be able to come back. Regulus had done nothing to help him before that inevitable departure, so he could not follow. He was too afraid to follow, anyway. By the time he had left, Sirius had no longer really had any friends on the inside. Regulus had no one on the outside. Not even Sirius would take him anymore. There was no way for him to leave.He knew it was the right thing for Sirius to do, really. It made Regulus feel terrible, as the correct decision always did. It was terrible watching his brother leave and staying behind himself.It was frankly astonishing how quickly the entire family seemed to forget Sirius had ever existed. They all pretended that Regulus had always been the heir. Everyone else seemed to be under the impression that he had always known it was his duty to continue their bloodline and family name. He was sure they would inform him soon enough which good pureblood girl he was meant to marry. Perhaps there would be enough of him left that he could offer their children an existence less miserable than his own. He was no longer quite stupid enough to hope for that; he only considered that it might still be possible.The train station had never before been so cold. The journey to Hogwarts had never been so lonely. He had his friends, or rather, he had people who spent time with him voluntarily. He cared about some of them, he supposed. He hated them perhaps less than he hated most things in the world. However, they did not offer much comfort upon his return to school.Life stretched out before him, devoid of anything that could make it seem at all worthwhile. He continued only because he could see no other paths to follow.
He went to the library, because he was most likely to be left alone there. Few people would be foolish enough to talk to him. Even so, he went to a somewhat secluded spot, where he could not be seen easily. He took out work he had no interest in, because he could think of nothing else to do with his afternoon.“All right, Reg?” a voice whispered.He looked up to see James Potter. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” he asked.James grinned. It was not the reaction Regulus had desired. “Just wanted to make sure you were all right,” he said.What reason could James Potter have to think he had any right to check on Regulus? The two of them had hardly spoken a word to each other. Just because they both knew Sirius did not mean that they knew each other. “Fine, thank you,” Regulus muttered, looking back down at his work.“Things all right at home?”Did James think he knew anything at all about their family? Even if Sirius had told him some things, and even if he had been honest, which was unlikely, James had no idea what “home” was to them. He had no concept of what he had taken Sirius away from. “My home life is none of your concern,” Regulus told him.“I know,” said James. He sounded somewhat apologetic, which brought Regulus something akin to pleasure. “I just… I wanted to make sure you don’t feel like you’re all alone now.”Regulus had always been alone. Sirius had been pulling away from the family his entire life. He may have wanted to pull Regulus along with him at some point, but he had never come close to succeeding. He raised his eyebrows at James. “I have my own friends, you know.”James nodded. “Right,” he said. “I’m sorry. I’ll leave you to it, then.” He turned to leave.“Wait.”Regulus never asked personal questions. He did not want to let on that he cared about other people’s lives. James coming here to check on him suggested that he already expected Regulus to care, about his brother if no one else. He would be giving nothing away if he asked, just this once.“Is he all right?” he whispered, so quietly he was unsure whether even James would hear him.James nodded. “He will be.”Regulus could not hold James’s gaze. He could not see any reproach or accusation in it, but he knew they must be present. James knew what Regulus had allowed to happen.“He’s got himself a new wardrobe,” James said. “You won’t have noticed, with him in his school robes.”Regulus had not seen Sirius at all yet, even from a distance. He could not imagine making Sirius face him ever again. He would seem uncaring, however, if he told James he had not bothered to even look in his direction. Instead, he said, “I suppose he thought the clothes he had didn’t stand out enough?”James laughed, quieting himself when he realised he was making too much noise for the setting. The sound was not malicious. It was as though he simply found Regulus’s comment amusing. He came closer to the desk. “Can you imagine Sirius trying to blend in?” he asked.Regulus felt as though he might be smiling. “No,” he said. The question had been rhetorical, of course, but he could think of no better response.“Well,” James whispered, “I’ll let you get back to your work,” even though Regulus had been the one who had called him back. “Take care, Reggie.”He hated that Sirius used those childish nicknames when he spoke with his friends. He wanted to be called by his actual name, not something his cousins had come up with to coddle him as an infant.He did not correct James. He nodded and watched him leave.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Once James had ascertained his state and assured him that Sirius would be all right, as well, Regulus did not expect to be sought out again.When James approached him, once more in the library, barely a week after their previous conversation, he assumed something noteworthy must have occurred. He felt his heart clench in panic, since news tended to be bad, only for James to do nothing more than report that Sirius was still doing all right. He asked, like last time, how Regulus was, and Regulus grumbled again that he was fine. There had been no particular reason for James to come to him. Everything was the same as it had been previously.After the third such interaction, Regulus stopped being surprised. He did not, however, stop being irritated by James disturbing him. He started to spend less time in the library, but James seemed to find him eventually no matter where he was.He went out onto the grounds one afternoon, because it was wet and gloomy, so few other people were outdoors. James found him there, too. He even spent slightly more time attempting to exchange pleasantries despite Regulus’s obvious reluctance to engage, presumably because there was no pretence of Regulus doing work, nor were they likely to be seen by anyone else.It made Regulus wonder where else James might end up approaching him. The Slytherin common room was the one place he was certain James could not follow. Anywhere else, there was a chance.Regulus began to test this idea, on days when he had time to while away. After lessons, when there was no quidditch practice or homework left to be completed, he would wander to different parts of the castle and wait to see whether James would turn up there, too.He always did. It could take a few attempts, but in the end, James always came and asked Regulus how he was, as though he thought there was nothing strange about them bumping into each other in a different location every other week.He came to the owlery, where neither of them had a letter to post. He came to the quidditch pitch when neither of their teams had practice. He even came into empty classrooms in which Regulus was pretending to read. Regulus wondered vaguely how James kept happening upon him. Locating charms existed, though they were too advanced for a fifth year, not to mention being rather invasive. He dismissed the idea that James was spending his free time blindly searching the entire castle for his best friend’s now estranged brother. However he was doing it, Regulus was becoming faintly amused by James continually seeking him out.When he had exhausted easily accessible rooms, Regulus began wandering the corridors, far from both the dungeons and Gryffindor tower. He wondered whether James would manage to find him if he was not in a particular location and not staying in place.He spent a few evenings simply walking the castle, admiring paintings and tapestries, without ever lingering long enough for the subjects to start making conversation with him. He felt a quiet thrill when, after five days of this, he finally saw James round a corner and head towards him. As usual, James seemed totally unsurprised that Regulus was there.“Hiya, Reg,” he said, turning about to walk beside Regulus, back in the direction he had just come from.“Don’t you have things to do?” Regulus asked. He said it sarcastically, as an attempted dismissal, though he would have liked to get an answer, too. Surely James had more pressing duties than looking for Regulus in order to tell him nothing of note.James frowned. “Of course not,” he said.“Aren’t you quidditch captain this year?”James shrugged. “Practice doesn’t start for another thirty-five minutes.”“Aren’t you sitting your O.W.L.s this year?”He shrugged again. “I’ve finished the work I had planned for today.”“Ah,” Regulus said, nodding. “You have a gap in your schedule, then.”“No.” James shook his head seriously. “I can show you. It says, Four twenty-five: Talk to Regulus.”Regulus laughed. It felt alien. “So you admit that these run-ins aren’t spontaneous. You do come looking for me.”James huffed. “That makes it sound rather menacing. I’ve always thought of them more as friendly catch-ups between friends.”Regulus sighed. “We aren’t friends. We barely know each other.”James rolled his eyes.“Did you just roll your eyes at me?” Regulus asked incredulously. Again, who did he think he was? How dare he?“Annoying, isn’t it?” James looked rather pleased with himself.Regulus scowled. “Do you have something you want to tell me, or will you allow me to get on with my life now?”James hummed noncommittally. “Not really. Your brother has a new girlfriend.”“I don’t want to hear about that.” It was best for him to know as little as possible about Sirius’s controversial dating habits. Should such information eventually reach his parents, he would like to be able to plausibly claim to know nothing about it.“All right. Are you seeing anyone?” James asked casually.Again, why did this practical stranger think Regulus’s life was any of his business? “As if I would tell you! Could you please leave me alone now?”James nodded, apparently quite happy with how this conversation had gone. “All right. See you, Reg.”See you. It felt almost like a threat.
James continued to see him for the rest of the school year, even in the midst of the exam period. In his casual chattering, he did sometimes mention how very busy he was, though he was apparently never too busy to locate Regulus.Having established that James would indeed manage to find him almost anywhere, Regulus stopped looking for new places to wait for him. Personally, he enjoyed the library, but James could not talk freely there. It was all hushed whispers and nervous glances in the direction of Madame Pince. Regulus developed the habit of quickly packing his things and pretending to be on his way out if ever he saw James approaching. That way, James would follow him into the corridor and talk as they went in the direction of whichever place seemed the most plausible for Regulus to be headed.When it was practical, Regulus preferred to find a spot outdoors, as long as the weather was bad enough that no one else ventured out. It felt open, yet private; free and unseen.He was beginning to feel concerned by the little thrill he felt every time James turned up. His appearances were not regular enough to anticipate predictably. In fact, he felt something of a thrill just thinking about the fact that James would turn up again and wondering how much longer he would have to wait.He told himself that it was not James he was thrilled by, but the anticipation itself. It was waiting, without knowing how much longer he would have to wait, that he found exciting. Merlin knew there was nothing else that was uncertain in his life. He knew which path he was expected to follow and knew that he would follow it. The life ahead of him was clear and he did not look forward to any of it, except James.He could look forward to hearing what Sirius was up to. The reports were not always entirely positive, but they were safe and mundane. He could look forward to being reminded that there was someone who cared enough to look for him, ask after him, and clearly not be convinced by him continuing to insist that he was fine. He enjoyed having something to look forward to.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
By the time he left school, Regulus would not recall anything noteworthy having happened in the summer between his fourth and fifth years at Hogwarts. He “celebrated” turning fifteen. He saw all the family who were still regarded as such. He saw some friends, Evan and Barty certainly, as well as a few others, presumably. It would confuse him to remember it being so ordinary, since he knew that it resulted in him becoming even more withdrawn than he had been before.Upon his return, everywhere seemed to have too many people, all making noise and telling him about their summers and expecting him to talk to them. The train was filled to bursting, the great hall was packed, of course, the dormitory was so loud he wanted to scream until he drowned out everything else. The first day of lessons was overwhelming, the library was crowded, the grounds were teeming, every corridor contained people, walking and screaming and zipping about unpredictably. There was not an inch of the castle in which he could feel like he was alone. All he could think was that he wanted to be alone, away from all the noise and touch and smell and light.He remembered Barty, years ago, leaping down at him from behind a tapestry to surprise him. He could not fathom what could have possessed him to hide behind a tapestry in the first place, nor why he found it so amusing to ambush his supposed friends. In all honesty, there was precious little he truly felt he understood about Barty.He remembered where it had been, in one of the slightly less busy corridors. He headed that way and found it unaltered, as was typical in this ancient and unchanging place. In a momentary gap between students, Regulus drew the fabric aside to see what it was obscuring. There was a small alcove, just high enough that he struggled to scramble up into it. He let the tapestry drop back into place behind him and curled up in the dark. He could still hear voices, though they were mostly distant and muffled. He pressed himself against the cold stone. Here he felt hidden and secure, able to relax more than he thought he had in months.He breathed and allowed his thoughts to drift away. There was nothing here. There were no expectations. There was no pressure or disappointment. There was no life. There was only quiet, darkness and cold. There was the absence of noise, the absence of light and the absence of warmth. He stayed there a long time, feeling peaceful and safe in his misery. He paid no mind to the voices of the people who passed by, oblivious to his presence. He heard footsteps approach and recede. He stayed quiet.He sat up straight when the tapestry rustled and was drawn aside.James looked up at him.“There you are,” he said brightly, hoisting himself up to join Regulus with ease. He manoeuvred himself to sit alongside him, their shoulders pressed together in the small space.“It’s quite dark in here, isn’t it?” he said. “Do you mind if I give us some light?”Regulus said nothing. James cast a silencing spell and lit his wand, casting them both in its warm light. “There.” He looked at Regulus triumphantly.Regulus let out a long sigh. It was not the irritated huff he was prone to, but rather a release of the tension he had still been carrying, even when he had believed himself to be relaxed.He had not even let himself wonder about James looking for him again, having convinced himself over the summer that none of it had happened the way he remembered it. Even if James Potter had been seeking him out and checking up on him, that did not mean he really cared. James was the sort of person who spoke to everyone, and it probably had been pure chance that he had run into Regulus so many times last year. Even if he was wrong about that, James had surely gotten whatever misplaced feelings of responsibility he had become burdened with out of his system by now. Even if he hadn’t, he would not bother with Regulus if he was making himself so difficult to find.Evidently, he had been deluding himself. James still wanted to see him. James looked happy to be here, in this horrid little hole in the wall. James had found him within half an hour of him having hidden himself away. James was smiling beside him, and Regulus could not speak.“Bad summer?” James chuckled.Regulus considered briefly. “Not particularly,” he said.James sighed. “Mine wasn’t great, either. Sorry –“ He shuffled about a bit, pulling his arm out from where it was jammed between them and placing it around Regulus’s shoulders instead. “You probably don’t know; Remus and Sirius had an awful row at the end of last term. They weren’t speaking for most of the holidays. I hate it when they fight.”Regulus hated it when people fought, too, though refusing to speak to each other seemed to him like one of the least destructive ways of going about it.“They made up eventually, though,” James went on, “so we did at least get to have some fun together, all four of us.”Sirius had had fun over the summer. Regulus tried to visualise that. Sirius had had fun with James and his other friends. They had probably gone flying together and done other things that happy Gryffindors did with their friends, which Regulus could not even envisage. Thinking about it made him sad. Regulus’s summer had just been normal; no fun whatsoever.“We spent a few days at Remus’s,” James went on. “His mum’s a muggle, you know. So they have a television. You ever seen a television?”Regulus did not even know what a television was. If it was a muggle contraption, it would be best if he never found out.“They’re great. It’s like watching a play, only more exciting.”Of course, James would feel his life lacked excitement. He was Sirius’s best friend, after all.“We watched a… a television thing called Get Carter. Lots of action. Apparently, I love action.”Regulus did not really understand what James was talking about. He seemed happy, though. He virtually always seemed happy. Part of Regulus envied him for that. For the most part, though, he considered himself lucky just to be able to feel a bit of that happiness. It was like being touched by a ray of sunshine, just briefly being allowed to feel the warmth of it.He could not be happy himself, but he could feel the breath of James’s happiness. He could almost imagine what it would be like to feel happy, sitting beside James in the dark, listening to him talk.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Regulus started playing his little game of hide and seek again, wracking his brain for any secret places he could remember having encountered before. There were not terribly many he was aware of, so he began to seek out new ones, peeking around corners and behind doors he had never entered.Unlike previously, he was not testing where James would manage to locate him. He was fairly convinced by now that anywhere a Gryffindor was allowed to go, James would eventually appear. He was even quite confident that James would be willing to venture into some places that were out of bounds to him, though he had no desire to test this hypothesis. There was no point in landing either of them in trouble.Regulus was just enjoying himself, for once. He enjoyed finding new places to wait and he enjoyed anticipating James’s arrival. Despite making himself harder to find, James was coming to speak to him more often than he had before. The previous year, they had seen each other perhaps every week or two. Now it was happening at least twice as often. As soon as James had found him once, Regulus would go somewhere different the next day. He stayed in the new spot on his own, certain that he would not be disturbed, because James never appeared on the first day. He might find Regulus on the second, or the third. The anticipation built, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for days. Then, James would slip into the space beside him, light his wand and start to talk.It tended to be the same inane nonsense. He told Regulus stupid things about his classes and quidditch and friends. He always mentioned Sirius and Sirius was always doing all right.Regulus sometimes spoke, too. He also talked about his classes. He also talked about quidditch. He also talked about his friends. I’m worried about Barty, he would say every time, because he was always worried about Barty. Almost as long as they had known each other, Regulus had been getting increasingly worried about Barty.He’ll be able to leave home soon, James would say. As soon as he got away from his father, things would get better for him. That was what James seemed to believe.Regulus was doubtful. He did not think that Barty ever would get away from his father. Even if he did, had the damage not been done? Barty would not simply stop being reckless and erratic when he no longer relied on his parents. He made bad decisions. Most of the time, they were not even decisions; he just did things without considering them at all first. That would still be the case when he grew up, and Regulus knew it would eventually get him into trouble he could not get himself out of.James was not able to reassure him about this, really, but Regulus didn’t mind that. He was not looking for reassurance. He just wanted to tell someone. He wanted somebody to know how he felt. He wanted somebody else to think that Barty might be a person worth worrying about.James never rolled his eyes or laughed off Regulus’s concerns the way Sirius always used to. He never let himself sink into despondency or wallow in despair the way Regulus had a tendency to. He treated everything with just the right level of seriousness. He did not insist on looking on the bright side, making him the only person who actually helped Regulus to feel better about anything. James allowed him to feel as though his emotions were understandable, if not always useful. On occasion, he even got Regulus to let himself think that things might not always feel quite as hopeless as they did now. Most of the time, he knew that it was foolish to think that way. It would only lead to disappointment.But sometimes, with James, he forgot to be pessimistic. James was making him believe in hope.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Hiya, Reg.” James looked unusually excited this afternoon, his eyes wide and glinting. It filled Regulus with apprehension.“Good afternoon, James,” he said warily. They were in a broom cupboard today. It was a bit roomier than most of the places he hid, but the smell was less pleasant. Also, Regulus thought he might actually prefer the smaller spaces. They felt more secure, somehow, even if it meant he and James had to squeeze in together.“You have a good day so far?” James asked.Regulus shrugged. “Normal,” he said.“Great. That’s great. Listen.” James wanted something from him. That was strange. He had never asked Regulus for anything before. “You’re on quite good terms with Professor Slughorn, aren’t you?”“I suppose.” He was not particularly fond of the professor, but Slughorn seemed quite fond of him. Or rather, he seemed quite eager to be on good terms with a member of the Black family.“That’s great,” James said again. “Do you think, er… Could you maybe…”Regulus sighed. “What do you want, James?”James grimaced. “Do you think you’d be able to get hold of some bicorn horn without him noticing? Or just without him minding?”Regulus was only aware of one use for bicorn horn, and it was not innocent. “What do you want it for?”James looked at him without saying anything for several seconds. “It wasn’t my idea,” he said, instead of answering the question.Regulus rolled his eyes. “What do you and your delinquent friends want it for?”James chuckled, because he was the sort of person who thought befriending delinquents was something to laugh about. “Polyjuice Potion, obviously.” He shrugged as if that were no big deal.“Polyjuice Potion?”“Yeah.” He shrugged again.“Why?”“I told you, it wasn’t my idea.”“Why?”James shifted uncomfortably, but he did answer this time. “Sirius is really keen to see what it’s like to be someone else for a bit.”Regulus restrained himself. He did not sigh. He did not roll his eyes. “Someone else?”“Lily Evans.”Well, that was not what Regulus had expected. “You know that’s illegal?”James huffed, as if the law was just a minor nuisance.“You know that’s against the law?”James groaned. “I did tell him that.”“And?”“And he said something stupid. ‘I am the law,’ or something, I don’t know,” James whined.“Well, I’m not doing it.” He could see James was about to object. “I’m not helping you break the law. You’re going to get yourselves arrested.”James had the nerve to look affronted. “We’re not going to get arrested!” he said. “We are so good at getting away with things.”Regulus laughed in the sarcastic way he was most prone to. “You have detention constantly.”James raised his eyebrows. “We break the rules way more often than that.”Way more often than “constantly.” He really was ridiculous. “I’m not doing it,” Regulus said again.James sagged. “Have a heart!”“I do have a heart.”“Open your heart.”What did that even mean? “James.” Regulus dropped his gaze. It might be fun and games for the Gryffindors everyone loved, but not for Regulus. “Sirius has gotten into enough trouble because of me. I can’t… I can’t do any more of that.”James’s expression softened. He took hold of Regulus’s arm gently. Regulus looked up again and met James’s eyes. Such kind eyes for such a mischief-maker. “Nothing bad’s going to happen to him,” James said quietly. “Nothing serious. I’ll look after him. I promise.”Regulus believed him. James had always taken such good care of Sirius. It would all be all right.“You don’t have to…” James looked around at the shelves of cleaning products forlornly. “It’s okay; you don’t have to do anything, Reg.”Regulus nodded.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Why do you call him Padfoot?”James shrugged. “That’s what he is. He’s got… padded feet.”Regulus laughed. “He’s got padded feet? What does that mean?”James laughed, too. It was wonderful when he laughed. The sound of it reverberated in the small spaces they shared, his silencing charms preventing anyone outside from hearing it. He did it much more often than Regulus did, lighting up these dark places with his face and his voice. “You know. He’s quiet.”“He’s quiet? When?” Regulus perceived Sirius as reassuringly noisy. It had always been possible to hear everything he’d done back at home. Regulus had been able to hear him getting out of bed in the mornings. He had heard each time he lit a candle. He had heard each time Sirius passed through a door. He managed to not only slam doors closed; he slammed them open, too. At least, that was how Regulus remembered it. To his mind, Sirius had never been quiet.“When he wants to be,” James said fondly. “He’s noisy most of the time to lull people into a false sense of security. That way he can sneak about silently without anyone even suspecting.”Regulus shook his head.“See? You never even noticed.”“All right.” Regulus raised his eyebrows. “I’ll pretend that that’s true, and that it’s an acceptable basis for a nickname. Why do they call you Prongs?”James leaned back and smiled cheekily. “It’s because of the antlers, obviously.”Regulus laughed for the second time in one day. “You don’t have antlers, James.”James looked so unbelievably happy. Regulus wondered whether it was because he thought he was being funny or because he was talking about his friends. “You’re so observant, Reg; it’s one of the things I love about you. I only get them at night, you understand.”Regulus sighed. “You talk such rubbish.”James began to swing his leg from side to side, softly knocking Regulus’s knee. “It’s not rubbish.” He struggled not to laugh.“If you grew antlers, James, people would know.”“They do know!” he insisted. “They call me Prongs.”“Oh, for goodness sake.”Regulus allowed his head to drop onto James’s shoulder. James made no comment. Regulus did not let himself think what an unwarranted gesture it was until much later. He was enjoying the conversation too much. It hardly even bothered him that James was refusing to tell him where his nickname came from, even if he would really have liked to know. Perhaps a made-up story about antlers was more entertaining than the truth. Besides, Regulus had no right to James’s personal life. He was grateful for every interaction they had, and every moment James shared with him, even if they were not honest ones.There was an unfamiliar feeling of safety he got from James, a secure knowledge that this moment was theirs alone, even if nothing else was. Regulus knew that, in these minutes they had together, nothing could disturb them, and nothing could go wrong. He had never felt this kind of safety before.He had felt safe with Sirius, yes, long ago. As a little boy, he had known that no harm would ever come to him, as long as his big brother was there with him. But Regulus had still been frightened then, because while he had been safe, Sirius had not. Sirius had gotten himself into trouble constantly and Regulus had been afraid for him all the time. He could not understand, even now, how Sirius could be so good at keeping others safe, and so incapable of doing it for himself. He had tried, more and more as Sirius’s behaviour had kept getting worse, to convince him to stop. He had implored him just to pretend to go along with what their parents asked of him, the way Regulus had learned to, the way Sirius had taught him to. But Sirius was not good at listening the way Regulus was.It was different with James. Regulus could not only trust that he himself was safe while they were together, but that James was safe, too. James was not going to get himself into any real trouble, even when they parted. James broke rules, of course, everyone knew that; but he was not reckless or self-destructive. He broke rules to make things better, even if it was just by making other people laugh.Regulus was unsure how this had happened, but he knew that this wonderful security he felt came just from being reminded that James Potter existed in the world. As long as Regulus knew that his brother, whom he could never see again, would remain by James’s side, in the world that they brightened together, it was all right for life to keep going. As long as James was safe, Sirius was safe. As long as they were safe, Regulus was content to keep existing.In the minutes they spent together, Regulus knew that James would always be safe. There was simply no way that could ever change. For a short time, James infected him with his mindless optimism. For a short time, Regulus forgot how stupid it was to let himself think that there might still be goodness in the future.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
They kissed for the first time in the afternoon, between the end of lessons and the start of the Halloween feast. They were sitting close together, as they always were these days. James had his arm around Regulus’s shoulders, his wand keeping their faces lit.Regulus moved forward until their lips touched. That was what he thought must have happened, at any rate. He could not remember, afterwards, having done that. He could remember, in the moments before it happened, realising that he wanted it desperately. It seemed impossible that it could have been James’s idea, so it must have been Regulus’s.Regulus kissed him. James, rather than pushing Regulus away in horror, kissed him back. Their lips touched for several seconds at least before they came apart again.Regulus thought what lovely eyes James had. He lamented that he lacked the poetic capabilities to describe them accurately. What colour were they? Brown was such a bland, everyday word. Anyone’s eyes might be brown. Hazel, he must have heard from someone else once. It was wrong. James’s eyes were not hazel. What were they, then? He could not think of a word that seemed to do them justice.James’s eyes, whatever colour they were, were looking into his, wide open, almost startled, safe behind their thin layer of glass. That had been the first thing to strike him about James, what seemed now like so many years ago. There were not many young wizards who wore spectacles. James kept them on even when he flew. His eyes looked so perfect. One would never think, to look at them, that they struggled to see.Regulus thought he ought to say something. He ought definitely to apologise. But then this moment would be broken and lost to him forever. He wanted to keep this moment. It was the best one of his entire life.James smiled, his eyes crinkling together at the corners. He looked wonderfully pleased with himself. “You ever done that before, Reggie?” he asked quietly.“No,” Regulus whispered back. There was no point in trying to hide it. James would of course have been able to tell he’d had no experience or even much of an idea what to do. He had just known, seconds before, that he really wanted to feel James’s lips with his own.James pressed those lips of his together, still grinning. He usually looked so confident when he smiled, but now he seemed rather shy. “Nor have I,” he confided. He laughed. Actually, it was more like a giggle, short and high.Regulus was confused. James had never… “With a boy, you mean?” he checked.James shook his head, still grinning. “With anyone,” he said. This seemed to make him inexplicably happy.“What?” Why did he look so pleased? Regulus was horrified. The first person James had ever kissed was him? Why had he allowed that? Why did he seem happy about it? “Why?” Apparently, in his shock, Regulus could not get more than one word out at a time.James shrugged and broke eye contact. “I suppose I just never wanted to,” he said.He’d never wanted to kiss anyone before, and now Regulus had made him do it.“Don’t look so surprised.” James pulled Regulus towards himself in a way that made him feel even more protected than he did just from being here with him. “Can you still not tell that I like you, Reg?”“No, I – I know that,” Regulus mumbled. Of course he knew that James liked him. He kept coming to see him, even though he was always hiding in dark, cramped holes, and laughed with him. He had been touching him since the start of the school year, putting his arms around Regulus with increasing ease. He had worked out that James must be somewhat fond of him a while ago.
Oh no, James just complimented me and all I said was, “I know.”
“I –“ Regulus stammered. “I like you, too, I think.”I think? What do you mean, you think? Of course you like James! Who doesn’t like James?“No, I mean –“ One kiss and Regulus had lost the ability to speak. “I do like you, definitely. I don’t know why I said that. Sorry.”James was laughing. “Don’t worry, Reg, I understand.” He took Regulus’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I’m a bit flustered, too.” Was Regulus flustered? That would explain him barely managing to stammer out a clumsy sentence. “I’m glad we did that.”Regulus thought he was glad, too, but he hesitated to say so. He would probably just end up insulting James if he tried, so he said nothing, as usual.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I wouldn’t have thought your parents approved of you reading Shakespeare, him being a muggle and all,” James said.Regulus raised his eyebrows. “I don’t only do what my parents approve of,” he replied. James looked sceptical. “I’m here with you, am I not?” he added.James smiled at that. It was so easy to get him to smile. “Well, personally, I didn’t much care for King Lear. Too depressing.”Regulus hummed, thinking that was probably why he had found it as moving as he had. “I liked the line, ‘Like flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.’ It… spoke to me?” Why did he find it so difficult to explain his emotions? Why did he find it so mortifying, as though feeling anything at all was shameful?James groaned. “Ugh, Reg, you’re so dramatic! Nobody’s killing anyone; just calm down.”Regulus rolled his eyes. “It’s metaphorical. What do you like, then? I don’t recall any plays where everyone makes friends, and they all go to the seaside for tea.”James sighed exaggeratedly. “I liked the bit about the things that dreams are made of? The Tempest, I think it was.”“You mean, ‘We are such stuff as dreams are made on?’”James shrugged. “That sounds right. I liked the idea that dreams are made of something, you know? That they’re real.”Regulus did not think that was what that line meant, but no matter. He told James, “Dreams are made of thoughts. So, they’re not real.”For quite some time now, Regulus’s dreams had been made of James. He could not normally remember much about them, just how it made him feel to be with James. Most of his waking thoughts were made of James, too. It was comforting just to imagine him. Only, after he came back to his senses, he would end up berating himself for his silly fantasies. He kept wishing for more, more time spent with James, more opportunities to look at him, more conversations during which James would casually touch his shoulder or his arm. He was being ridiculous, fantasising about James all the time as he was.“Do you think you could stop being so miserable for just a minute?” James asked. His tone was joking, but it pained Regulus, nonetheless. No, he could not stop. Even when he was with James, the misery never disappeared.“You can leave if it bothers you,” he said, more abrasively than he had meant to be.James looked hurt. “Don’t you want me here?” he asked.Oh, no. Why was Regulus like this? They had been having a conversation and it had been fine, but now Regulus had spoiled it. Why could he not be friendly and kind? Why could he not be more like James? “Sorry. I didn’t mean that,” he said, trying to repair some of the damage. “I do want you here. Just… not if it makes you unhappy.”James was smiling again, easy as that. “You don’t make me unhappy,” he said, putting an arm around Regulus to draw them towards each other. “I just wish you could be more optimistic, that’s all.”That was all, was it? All James wanted him to do was look forward to his bleak future? “We don’t all have perfect lives with perfect, supportive parents and a million perfect friends, you know,” he grumbled.James held him and it felt comfortable in a way that being touched never did otherwise. “Optimism isn’t about what you’ve got now,” he said quietly. “It can get better. I know things are going to get better for you, Reg. Just you wait.”Regulus could not manage to believe him.“And I don’t even know a million people. You always exaggerate.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Regulus continued to meet up with James. He did not even seriously consider stopping, after Halloween. He did make sure that they never went further than kissing and hand-holding. That was as intimate as he was willing to let them be with each other, and no more. All though there were two instances where he may, in all honesty, have failed in that endeavour.The first one involved a rather mortifying breakdown. Regulus tried to avoid becoming overly emotional under any circumstances. It had never been encouraged in his upbringing. Between Sirius calmly instructing him never to shout or cry, and his parents instilling in him an intense fear of ever displeasing them, he had become, in his own estimation, very good at appearing completely devoid of feeling. Unfortunately, despite his best efforts, there were these rare occasions when his control slipped. Even more unfortunately, James was there to witness one of them.Within days, Regulus would forget what brought him to that state. There were many things that made him want to blow up or break down.Maybe school was stressful. He might have gotten a bad mark on an essay and become overwhelmed by the thought of disappointing his parents.Maybe Barty said something especially upsetting. He often spoke of things he claimed to have done, or things his father had done to him. Regulus knew lots of what he said was untrue, though he was not sure how much of it Barty believed. He did not always seem to have a firm grasp of the distinction between reality and the scenarios his mind concocted. Whether they were real or not, Regulus often found Barty’s stories too disturbing to want to hear them. The way Barty laughed about it all, as though he could force it not to be awful, only made it all worse.Maybe Regulus let himself ponder what he was doing to James. He kept dragging him down into the blackness he now occupied, sometimes for as much as an hour on a single day. Regulus could not even function anymore without secluding himself in the caverns he found around the castle. He was taking James away from his life of sunshine and beauty and hiding him in dark holes. He was letting James touch him and kiss him. He was making James like himself, and James was too trusting and optimistic to realise how dangerous it was to be changed in this way. James kept coming back and Regulus was too cowardly and self-indulgent to stop him.Any number of things might have been upsetting him. Soon it would become irrelevant, as he could always rely on more everyday catastrophes to come along and make him feel worse, overshadowing whatever was crushing him right now. He climbed up into the rafters by the clock tower and stayed there, hoping that James would not come to him this time. He did not want to be seen by anyone.He returned to the same spot for several days, left alone every time. There was a quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff that Saturday. Regulus could have watched James play. He could have looked at him openly without anyone thinking anything of it, but he could not face the sound of the crowd. Instead, he spent almost the entire weekend curled up alone, inhaling dust.He had practice on Monday afternoon. It was the only time he went outside anymore, except when it was required during lessons. When he flew, his mind switched off. It was the next best thing to being with James, and he had no reason to feel guilty about it. Afterwards, as the evening drew in, he returned to the place he had been hiding since the previous week. This was the fifth day he was spending in the same spot. So far this year, James had never taken this long to find him.He isn’t coming, Regulus told himself. He’s finally had enough of you. You should be grateful he’s finally come to his senses, since you’ve never been strong enough to turn him away.Why did the right decisions always make him feel miserable? What was wrong with him, that he could not feel good when someone did the right thing?He pulled his knees up to his chest and pressed his eyes against them, hard enough that it hurt. He wrapped his arms around his legs, forcing himself to keep the position. He focussed on the strain, not on pointless thoughts of James. He focussed on the physical pain.“All right, Reggie?”His head snapped up so he could see James, swinging up to join him. He looked quite happy and carefree, as he did usually.“James,” he breathed, genuinely shocked to see him there.James smiled at him, and Regulus broke. From nothing, he went straight to crying, desperate and noisy, still hugging himself.“I’m sorry!” James exclaimed, his smile gone again as quickly as it had appeared. “I won’t make you wait so long again, I’m sorry!” He fell over Regulus, cradling him in his arms, so Regulus could finally let go of himself and hold onto James instead. He kept apologising, sounding almost frantic, and Regulus could not stop sobbing for long enough to tell him that this was not his doing.He was so glad that James had come to him again, just as he always did. He was so grateful that James would still hold him, even when he was such a mess. He was falling apart, and James was the only one still trying to hold him together.James was still apologising and starting to sound like he might be on the verge of tears himself, so Regulus shook his head, trying to communicate that it was not his fault Regulus was losing his composure like this. That seemed to have no effect, so he tried to breathe and force the crying to stop, or at least calm down enough that he could speak. “It’s not because of you,” he eventually managed, hating how high and pathetic his voice sounded.“You sure?” James asked. Regulus despised himself for causing James distress, instead of keeping his meaningless little problems to himself like he was supposed to. He nodded, swallowing his sobs and easing his grip.He had never wanted James to see him like this. This was the sort of thing one did in private, if at all. He ought to hate that James was here, witnessing this. Instead, he felt glad. He felt comforted.What was wrong with him? Why did he always feel the wrong way? Why was he letting himself feel at all, if he could not do it properly? He wished he could make it all stop.He wished he could just come to terms with his life. He wished he could be a proper son and accept his parents’ expectations without hating everything. He wished he could turn off his feelings and be the way he was supposed to be. He wished he could be happy around his friends and stop hiding in these awful nooks and crannies all the time. He wished he could stop ruining James’s life.Wishing got him nowhere. He was here, in another hiding place, feeling and miserable, disappointing everyone, as he always was. At least, he would be disappointing them if he were honest enough to let them know what he was really like. And he was destroying James, still, even though he had always known James should not be near him. James was so close to him now that he was feeling part of Regulus’s despair. Regulus was letting it out and it was going straight into him.James looked so heartbreakingly sad. He had just been smiling. He had been happy, but as soon as he had come close, Regulus had obliterated that. He had to push James away. He had to make him leave before it was too late. James could not become like him. That would be the greatest tragedy imaginable. Regulus could not allow James’s beauty to be lost to the world.Regulus was so horribly weak. He knew that he had to, but he could not do it. He could not even let go of James’s jumper. He could not even stop crying. He was going to ruin James’s life, and he was not going to be able to stop it.He wept.
The next time Regulus let things get a bit too intimate was far more pleasant. He only found it regrettable afterwards. James showed up and started talking. He was holding Regulus’s hand, as had become usual between them. It was just not enough, on this particular day. Regulus wanted more.He wrapped his arms all the way around James’s torso and pressed his face to his chest. He was embarrassed to be doing something so overtly affectionate, but James did not seem to mind.He stopped talking and hugged Regulus back. He started to run his fingers through Regulus’s hair.Regulus breathed in his scent. The smell was like nutmeg and cloves. No, it was not. Like with James’s eyes, Regulus lacked the vocabulary to describe him adequately. The smell was James, and that was all.James started pressing kisses to the top of his head. Regulus longed to stay like this forever, safe and cared for by someone good. It would only last for a few minutes, he knew. He had to cherish this while he had it.“My Reggie,” James whispered. Regulus felt like he could just melt, right into the body he was leaning against.He was James’s, and nothing had ever made him happier. James was the only person who was allowed to touch him like this. James was the only one who could call him Reggie. Regulus was his, only his; no one else’s.He wished they could stay like this forever.
It seemed such a significant section of Regulus’s life, the period when he was James Potter’s. That time, in which over the course of a single week, he and James might spend as much as two hours in each other’s presence, felt like it lasted years. It was only actually a few weeks.It was an easy timeline to keep track of, once it was over: James touched him for the first time in September, kissed him in October, had him for all of November, and lost him in December.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
He had known it was coming, of course. Now that he was the heir, his parents would make him choose his side, just like they had done with Sirius a year earlier. He had hoped they might wait a little longer. He knew they would not wait until he came of age. They could have waited until he was sixteen, like Sirius had been, but there was a sense of urgency to prove their loyalty, after Sirius’s defiance. Everyone might pretend they had forgotten him, but they remembered. They had to show that the rest of them were not like that one. They had to show that Regulus was not like him.Regulus had never been like Sirius. When Sirius had been told to pick his side, he had said no. He had defied his family and left forever. Regulus was too weak to say no. He said nothing. He allowed it to happen.Why did it have to be like this? Why did it have to be do or die? Why did Sirius have the strength to do everything, while Regulus had no strength at all?After Christmastime, he would never see James again.It was good that the decision had been made for him, since he had never managed to make it himself. He knew it was good, because it hurt more than anything before in his pathetic life, and his feelings were always wrong.He started going through the newspaper, looking for all the reports on attacks and murders. He looked at the fear that all the normal people with normal lives were living with. He kept them to remind himself that he would soon be expected to bring that fear to more ordinary people. He would be expected to torture and kill. He knew he would not manage to say no. He never refused anyone. Even as a child, he had always done what Sirius had told him to. He had always pleased his parents and been a good son. He had never refused any of his relatives anything, even when he had so wanted to. He had never refused James, either, though he had known he ought to. He would not be able to refuse now, though the terror of it gripped his heart tightly.He stuck those articles to his wall, so he could never forget whom he had chosen. He had been James’s, for a while. He had loved being James’s. He had wanted to be his forever. Now he never could again. He had allowed himself to be marked. He had not realised it would burn; no one had warned him about that. It kept burning, so he could never forget it was there. He had this brand on his arm now, forever denoting whose he really was.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Regulus still could not bear to tell James to stay away. Instead, he hid in the dungeons, the one place he knew James would not go. The common room was usually too crowded, so he spent the time outside of lessons, meals and quidditch practice in the dormitory. When there was nothing he had to do, he was usually in his bed.Infuriatingly, James still tried. On his way between lessons or back from the quidditch pitch, there he would be, in Regulus’s path. James was always there, even when he couldn’t be. Regulus never so much as looked at him. He rushed past and hoped James would finally get the message. Regulus really should have given up on hope by now. Of course, James would not give up.Eventually, Regulus relented. He noticed James approaching and looked up, just this once. He saw James’s face and yearned for what they had had. He wanted a different life, one he had almost been able to imagine in those secret hiding places, when James had dispelled the darkness. He wanted something he could not have, because his feelings were always wrong. He shook his head, finally telling someone in his life no. He did not linger to see James’s reaction.Of course, even that was not enough. James came to him one more time, blocking Regulus’s path on the stairwell. Regulus looked at his feet and thought about turning back. There must be another route to the great hall.When James spoke, his voice was small and shaking. Even when he was out of his life, Regulus was still hurting him.“Reg, I – I don’t know what I did wrong,” he whispered. “But I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll –“Regulus ran back down the stairs and returned to the dormitory. He didn’t need dinner, anyway.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
While Regulus never looked at James again through waking eyes, they still saw each other in his dreams. On one hand, the dreams were awful and made his heart ache. On the other hand, they were all he had left.In his dreams, James found out what Regulus had done. Regulus was sometimes tempted to actually tell him, so he could see what James really looked like in a fit of rage. He had to imagine how his face would contort with disgust and fury. It was the only thing he fantasised about these days.He was too cowardly to make it real, but he imagined it every day, and dreamed about it when he slept. He wanted it to be real. He wanted James to find out and hate him. He wanted James to be the one who finally beat the life out of him.