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Travis was still incredibly awkward, Sal reminded him that wasn’t a problem, that adjustments took time.What else is there to adjust with? Travis witnessed Sal’s friends freak over a spider, put on tutus and force Todd to be their butler.If anything Travis should be comfortable.He’s seen them, seen them in instances most wouldn’t let anyone outside of friends see.Therefore the appropriate amount of time has passed hasn’t it?Sal says there isn’t such a thing as an appropriate amount of passing time. Adjustments didn’t need a time limit.Once again the old phrase, “Adjustments took time.”Travis disagrees. If adjustments took time then how did they start dating a mere week after becoming friends? Possibly less?Doing couple and cliche shit not even a month in.If adjustments took time, why didn’t they?If adjustments took time, why did Ash forgive him a day after she said they were moving too fast? Why did Larry say he forgave Travis if he still seemed apprehensive about being around him?Travis couldn’t understand this, couldn’t understand why he couldn’t move past this. Why did the air feel so thick?After that Saturday, Travis skipped the next one, skipped even hanging out with Sal. Told the blue haired boy to hang out with his friends, of course Sal had refused at first, believing that there was something wrong.There was, but Travis doesn’t understand what. The whole week leading up to that Saturday, Travis felt off. Sal would of course always bid his hellos during the school week, Travis would as well, he loved saying hello, even if it was brief. Sal’s friends even paid him mind.They never talked much during the school days, they couldn’t. Travis was a topic his father and teachers liked to discuss after sermons, his grades, performance, his every move.If they noticed, then his dad would know, if his dad would know, then Travis’ biggest fear may come true.So the school week after he spent the majority of his time avoiding Sal’s friends, in turn Sal.Travis wasn’t sure why he was avoiding them, possibly because he didn’t trust them, didn’t trust them to not spill his deepest darkest secret to the world, for his dad to find out.So the week passed.Then it was Saturday.That day instead of hanging out with Sal, he stayed home, hidden in his room on his knees, cross in his hand he recited his Bible, hoping his faith would help him understand why he feels this way.Travis also stayed in Sunday, aiding his father with church activities until the older male got sick of Travis’ presence. Then Travis made himself useful to the church, just without bothering his father.And now it’s Monday.Monday was school. Travis couldn’t avoid anything on a Monday, not when Sal knew Travis hid away in the bathroom.That's how Travis ended up once again spilling his guts in the bathroom. Always the bathroom.“Travis, it's okay to still be adjusting. You are still adjusting, we are still adjusting.” Sal said as he sat against the familiar bathroom stall.Travis knew he’d come, even if he didn’t want to admit it, Travis knew. That's why he didn’t change his spot, he body craved Sal’s comfort even when actively avoiding it. Travis sighed, the familiar clothing can be seen sitting on the floor in front of him. He hated how much he loved the boy in front, hated his devotion to Sal rivaled his devotion to the lord.“What do you mean we are still adjusting? I don’t see how we are still adjusting considering everything that’s happened.” Travis said, a burning sensation filling his face thinking of the hand holding, carving, the mask kisses.“Travis I can still feel the cross indent in your hand, sometimes deeper than the day before. You are still adjusting, understanding that everything you are feeling isn’t bad. Even if you feel like they are.”“It's been months, I even talked to your friends. They seemed fine with my presence. So why aren’t I?”“Travis it is fine to be uncomfortable, I mean why do you think you shouldn’t?”“We started dating not even a week after I apologized.” If that wasn’t a quick adjustment Travis didn’t know what was.“In fairness, I liked you before the apology. Why do you think I talked to you before that?”“Your savior complex.” Travis originally wanted that to come out as a joke, but the more he hears it the more he starts to believe it.After everything? Why forgive him? Would Sal still love him if he knew that Travis still prayed to the lord for forgiveness? Would he still love him if he knew that Travis still punished himself for his thoughts?“Do you really think that’s the only reason I asked you out?” Was all Sal said, his voice being calm as ever, yet there was a hint of something else.Something that Travis felt he put there.“I was crying. I didn’t put you in any spot to be spiteful.”Sal deflated at this, adjustment took time, they rushed, Sal rushed.Can you blame him? Sal was so comfortable with him, so happy. It was a different happiness too. Not like when he first got friends, or when his dad and Lisa got together, it was a whole new one.A feeling that no matter the time that passes, the things that happen, he’ll still have a warm hand to hold. Someone that he can hold and remember that the world around him is real.Someone to have when others move on with their lives. In case his father relapses, or if his dad and Lisa focus on eachother, when Ash moves out of nockfell, when Larry focuses on his Art, when Todd and Neil live a domesticated happy marriage.Sal could tell Travis this, tell him that his faith was restored but this time it wasn’t in some deity but Travis himself.Yet would that make things worse? Push something so fragile to the edge, scared if it’ll tip at any moment.Back and forth, often this comes up. Should Sal feel like shit because he was unable to convince the other that he really did love him, teetering the line of pure and utter devotion?Sal knew it took time for Travis to completely understand this, the savior complex definitely didn’t help.Travis struggled with the concept of God loving him. Not believing it, listening to each word that leaves Kenneth’s mouth and taking that as gospel.That people like Sal, and inherently Travis, were unable to be saved.Travis had no time to process this, barely coming to terms, and constantly being reminded that he at any chance could be caught and reminded how hated someone like him is, if not worse.“How about a break?” The words felt heavy in the air, Sal felt as if he was trapped underground, a lack of air invading his lungs.The world crumbled for Travis.“Huh?” The crack didn’t fall on deaf ears, both heard Travis’ pathetic sound that escaped his throat.“How about a break? You can get your thoughts together, I’ve noticed that’s what you've been doing lately, trying to make space. That's okay if you want, I won’t be offended. Like you said it was less than a week, and we haven’t really left eachother alone to think.”Travis fucked up, the way he acted lately caused Sal to want a break, time apart.Travis’ previous actions weren’t enough to deter Sal, but he obviously hasn’t changed if he pushed the other away with today's actions.Travis was confused.“Trav?”“Don’t.” Travis couldn’t bear that, he couldn’t hear the nickname.Travis felt his body shake, he did this to himself, he did this to himself so why was he acting like this?Like he couldn’t fathom the idea of never being able to hold his hand again, or never laying in his bed and listening to him talk, of never seeing that smile.The crinkle.“Travis, can you open the door?”Travis stayed away, without even communicating what he was feeling, leading to this.Travis didn’t want a break, breaks lead to never getting back together. And how could Travis live life after feeling so euphoric and having that very feeling stripped away?Thoughts that made Travis feel so pathetic.Like the ounce of kindness that he received was his only proper life source, Sal was the reason his heart kept beating.That was scary to be so devoted to someone.To have your life revolve around them the same way it revolves around religion.“Travis, I don’t want to break up. I don’t want a break, but I was willing because you are right we did go really fast, and if you need to adjust I’m more than willing to wait. I’ll be waiting, always waiting. You are worth the wait. And you aren’t just alone, sometimes I worry, sometimes I think I made you do these things because of how persistent I am. Sometimes I am scared at how much I want to devote my time to you, ready to throw everything away for you. It's crazy isn’t it?”The door opened, Travis face eyes were red, his bruised eye looked particularly bad.Sal wasn’t any better, he could feel his hands shaking, unushered tears creating a film over his eye.“Crazy? You? My eye feels like nails and screws are being embedded into it as we speak.” Travis mumbled as he watched Sal fall back slightly from the door opening.A snort falls from Travis.“Warning?”“Not too good with communication, I believe.” Travis jokes, shutting the door as Sal made his way in.Sal simply smiled, a softer crinkle, relief.Silence. Travis hated breaking it, but in this intense he felt responsible.“I’m sorry.”“For?”“Don’t act dumb you know what I’m sorry for.”“It'd feel nice for you to say it out loud but only if you’re comfortable.”“I’m sorry for not talking to you about anything. I’m sorry that I can’t love you without feeling like shit. I’m sorry my life affects yours.”“Travis, my life affects yours just as much as yours affects mine. And I wouldn’t want it any other way, sure it would be easier if your dad wasn’t a raging homophobe, it’d be easier but not the same.”“Not the same?”“It’d be easier if I hadn’t got more than half my face blown off but not the same.”“You don’t think if things were different we’d still date?”“If things were different I wouldn’t be living here.”“But…”“Yeah, my mom would be alive.” How did Sal know that was what Travis was thinking about.“You’d choose to experience everything again? To have this?”“I think my mom is happy about how the way things are turning out. Happy that I’m happy despite everything. She knows how much I love her, and that love has never faltered despite everything. I think she’s proud I’m moving on.”“Oh.”“Sorry to drop that bombshell on you,” Sal laughed sheepishly. “This is always how it goes doesn’t it, one spills their guts and the other follows with their own gruesome confession.”“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”“Yeah?”“Yeah. It’s nice to know there is someone as batshit as me.”Sal laughs, genuinely happy, “Yeah it is, isn't it?”Travis is next to Sal, hands holding each other, Sal’s thumb running over the familiar indent. They are now both sitting on the floor.Lunch long forgotten.“I don’t think you are pushing or making me do things. I like the way you interact with me, even though sometimes you act like I deserve a gold star for breathing, but it’s nice to know that you aren’t giving up on me, no matter how,” Travis ushers to himself, “I get.”“Emotional?”“Crybaby and over dramatic.”Sal laughed, “Dramatics are welcomed in my crew, don’t you know?”“I know. I can still hear the sound of the tea cup slamming against the wall after, ‘Too few sugars were put in it.’ And the tutus, the fuckin tutus.”“What, you don’t think I rock a tutu?” There is a smugness in his voice that Travis loves and hates.“No.”“Well you didn’t rock yours either.”A silence fell over them, comfortable yet not necessarily wanted.“We communicate only when it builds up.”Travis looks at Sal, his eyes are closed, they are both leaning against the bathroom wall. It’s dirty, something Travis never in a million years would think he’d sit on a bathroom floor in school, even more so next to Sal Fisher.“I’ll get better. I promise.” Travis swears to himself and Sal.“We will.”His eyes are now opened, Sal is looking directly at Travis, suddenly he feels butterflies dancing around in his stomach, even more nervous then when he was asked out.It feels realer, like a fog being lifted.A hand encaptures his own, one squeeze, two back.They aren’t leaving. Neither of them will leave each other.“I don’t think it’s moving fast anymore. At first we did, but now I like how it’s moving. There is something though, but I’m not quite sure what it is.”“That’s okay. We will figure it out together if you'd like?”“I’d like that.”~Travis found himself in Sal’s house, sitting at the dinner table with Sal, Larry, Lisa and Henry.The three arrived to the apartment, Travis wanting to avoid his home as much as possible today, wanting to be with Sal instead. When they walked in the house was riddled in music and the sweet savory smell of cooking.
Family dinner.
Once Lisa spotted Travis she instantly smiled, “Oh Travis! I haven’t seen you in a while! What a perfect day for you arrive! Tonight is family dinner and I’m hoping you’d stay.”
Travis felt tense, “I wouldn’t wish to impose.”
“Nonsense. It’s not imposing if I invited you.” Lisa continues, Larry pays no mind and greedily grabs snacks while the other boys are occupied.
A gentle squeeze, a reminder that no is an option to not be feared. Travis noticed Sal too was very tense, probably because something like this was following after their ever so slight miscommunication, not because he didn’t like the idea of Travis joining them for dinner.Yet Travis assured Sal that it was okay, not okay like him forcing himself to do something, not okay like it didn’t matter, but okay because he wanted to feel what a family dinner felt like. Because he couldn’t be in that church, he couldn’t stand that feeling that riddles his bones when he steps in, the weight of a whale sitting on top of his chest as he passes the doors to their living arrangements, hating how thick the air felt when he breathed.Travis wanted to see how to interact at a normal dinner. To know what a dinner felt like when there wasn’t watching eyes of paintings, hurtful reminders of no elbows on the table, pure and utter silence.Awkward as fuck this dinner he found himself in? Hell yeah.Yet there was something oddly comforting about the family.Sal and Larry bickering about who has the biggest slice of food, Lisa telling Larry to give Sal his slice back, and Henry smiling into his cup.It was comforting to be back in this, after missing hang outs with Sal Travis figured he’d be back at the start, barely able to function but no he missed the chaos. Missed the feeling of blind acceptance.“Travis, your Dad is Mr. Phelps? How’s it like living in church? I’ve only ever lived in apartments, I’m sure it’s just like a house but I can’t help but be curious.”Frozen, Travis forgets outside of his bubble he actually has a life, one where his father is looming over.Travis could feel the slight halt in Sal’s childish bickering with Larry, a glance from the blue haired boy on Travis.“It’s okay. I used to really find it cool but as I got older it isn’t quite the same.” Travis responds truthfully, unable to say how amazing it is, because it no longer was.Lisa simply smiled, “Oh I bet it. Isn't it drafty?”“Yeah but I like the cold, the summers are when it’s most miserable.” Travis continued, much like with Sal, his mouth opened and words fell without a second thought.Lisa laughed, “I’d rather be chilly than cooked in a church as well! You are more than welcome to come to the apartments during the summer, I make sure our ac is constantly running.”That was another reason Travis chose to come over to dinner, he couldn’t fathom another stay at the church, not with his father.It felt like Travis was lying just sitting next to the older Phelps, making Travis feel disgusted in himself.Like he has to make it up to his dad.Oh.Oh!That was the feeling, the feeling that had riddled him after the hang out. Guilt, guilt that he’d rather hang out with people that may not even like him than his own father. Travis felt even more so guilty and ashamed that he was basically lying to his father by not telling the older anything, and this makes Travis want to make it up to him one way or another. Whether it be labour or self proclaimed punishments giving by his own hand.Punishments like forcing himself to avoid Sal and his friends.That’s why he rather sit in a new environment, finally having that dinner that Lisa wanted.They knew, they knew and they were more than okay with it, even liking Travis.The feeling of family was so comforting, it felt like Travis had to punish himself for enjoying it more than he enjoyed being with his father, which is why he stayed close that weekend.Yet the more he stayed closer the farther Travis wanted to be.Anytime Travis stayed with his father, the older usually made him leave, never asking him to be near something unless it benefited Kenneth or his church. And now? Lisa was constantly inviting him to dinners, and now inviting him to come whenever he pleases, Sal or not, to the apartments.An adult wanted him? Wanted Travis?Travis was taught kids owed their parents everything, and yet as he sat there Lisa had done nothing but make sure Travis was comfortable, like she owed him. Larry and Sal were able to have elbows on the table, able to fight over food and eat as much as they wanted. Lisa never raised her voice, never told them off for their childish behavior.Henry was happy with his family's antics, happy that his boys were happy, happy that Lisa was by his side. Not as talkative, but much like Sal his smile showed what he was feeling, and pride seemed to riddle the older Fisher, prideful not because he believed he was better than everyone else but prideful because this was his family.Both seemed content with tonight, like Travis was now their family.A family.Ashamed Travis should be, he had a family. His father gave him life, allowing him to prosper under the church.But that never felt like family, it felt like the bare minimum of obligation that soon turned into having free labor.This is what an actual family felt like?A warmth that didn’t put fear in you but brought you salvation?A hand captured his own, Sal was holding it tightly bringing him back to the world.How long had he been thinking?Travis squeezes it twice back signaling that he was back.Suddenly aware their hands were on the table he glanced at Sal, he looked concerned, Lisa as well, Henry seemed confused and Larry shocked.A never ending flow of tears fell freely.When did that happen?Travis wanted to be embarrassed, ashamed even.Yet a watery laugh is all that escaped his lips, “I’m sorry.” He cries out through laughter.Sal gave him a knowing smile, Travis knew.He always did.“Are you okay, dear?” Lisa asks, she grabs the other of his hand.“More than okay.” Travis admitted, warmth riddled his body, but this time it didn’t scare him, this time it was comforting.It's crazy how just a little bit of kindness could spread into a wildfire of comforting warmth, like a loving hug.A hug, it was something Travis has only ever felt from Sal.Yet somehow he now finds himself in the arms of Lisa, when did she get up?Travis really needs to stop spacing out.“I’m sorry.” Travis laughs again, tears continue their descent.“Nothing to be sorry for.” Lisa mutters into his hair.Travis never had a source of comfort for his cries, not until Sal, he never had a mother either, his father never told him about her, never mentioned a word.“Not used to adults being so… ”“Not used to a parent loving you?” Larry speaks up, a glimmer is in his eyes yet showed no malice.Travis laughs before anyone can say anything, “Yeah I guess so.”Lisa holds on tighter, “You poor thing. You are always welcome in my or Henry’s.”Henry nods at this, “Part of the family after all.”Sal and Larry burst out laughing at Travis' reddening face. Travis knew that under that mask was a face of embarrassment as well, hidden by laughter and prosthetics.“That's crazy he’s stuck with us.” Larry laughs, in which Sal agrees, “Right he’s in for a fun ride.”Lisa smiles and gently lets Travis go, whose tears have now stopped, “You boys make it sound like our home is crazy.”“Sal, last week broke the counter!” Larry points out.Sal’s head whips toward his brother, “Only because you put my favorite snack on the top shelf!”“Grow more then!”“Oh! Grow more like your nose?”“That’s crazy.” Larry says as he holds his nose.“Not as crazy as when you almost blew up the microwave!”“I didn’t know the wrapping was metal!” Larry’s hands slam against the table, faux anger takes his face.“It was foil!”Lisa and Henry simply look at each other, smiles take place on their faces, proud of what their life has led them too.Travis squeezes Sal’s hand once, the other does it twice.This was more than okay.~“So how was dinner?” Sal asked, they lay in their bed, Gizmo laying across the two.“The dinner itself or the fact that I cried like an idiot?” Travis asks, he’s more focused on the cat that’s slightly pawing at his sweater.Sal throws off his mask, having finally unclipped it without moving too much to disturb the orange cat, “Whichever you feel like answering.”“I liked the warm cooked meal, especially if I didn’t have to cook it. I liked talking to Lisa too. The crying I could have done without.”“It seems like Lisa has taken it upon herself to make sure you are properly taken care of.” Sal notes, there are tons of baked goods surrounding them on the bed, she insisted that a mother should make sure tears are followed with baked goods.“Sal?”“Hm?”“Earlier, at school. I told you I felt something but I wasn’t sure what it was. Dinner helped me realize it was because it feels like I’m lying to my dad, everytime I’m around him I feel bad for not telling him despite the fact I know he doesn’t care. I feel like I should make it up to him, which is what I was doing yesterday and the day before. Trying to hold onto my idea of my family, I feel ashamed to know I would rather be here than there. With a family that isn’t my own then the one family member I have left.”“You don’t have to feel like you owe him anything. After all you are the child, and children don’t owe their lives to their parents.”“Not how I was raised. I was taught that I owe my dad everything, he was to come first because I owed that to him.”“Adjustments take time?” Sal laughs, he is sure Travis is tired of hearing it.Travis laughs as well, “Yeah they do.”Another silence fell upon them, only the sound of Gizmo grooming himself could be heard.“Sal?”“Trav?”“I’m scared that if I take up Lisa on her offer my Dad will become suspicious. And I can’t lie.”“Well-!” Sal began but Travis cut him off, continuing his thought, “And even more so, I’m scared that I’ll become even more dependent on you for happiness.”“Is that such a bad thing?” Sal asks, he glances towards the blonde who is staring at the roof in thought.“Isn’t it? To rely on a partner for their happiness? Constantly?” Travis questions, Sal wasn’t sure if he was asking Sal or himself.Sal shrugs, “I guess so, but isn’t that what a partner does? It wouldn’t be a significant other if they didn’t make you happy?”“But the only thing that makes you happy?” Travis is now looking at Sal, their eyes meet, shining blue into glimmering brown.“I don’t think that’s completely true, I more so think that I’m just the main source, I’m the first aren't I? Or maybe I’m just as crazy as you because my faith is restored, but for you and only you.” Sal admits, they did say they’d work on communicating when they feel it instead of allowing it to build up.“So we are both fucked up?” Travis asks, he is serious but he can’t help but smile when he sees Sal.Sal smiles as well, “Maybe so.”