Archive of Our Own

Work Text

Have you got colour in your cheeks?

Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift

The tide that sticks around

Like somethin' in your teeth?

The therapist’s waiting room was painted bright yellow. Charity assumed it was an attempt to make the place feel bright and cheery when the people waiting there were probably feeling the exact opposite. On the walls were half a dozen framed photographs of different scenes from the Yorkshire Dales. Pippa (Charity’s therapist) had once told her she’d taken all the photographs herself - that it was one of her hobbies, along with the hiking she had to do to take such photos. The photo directly in front of Charity was a field of sheep with a baby lamb looking directly at the camera with innocent curiosity.

“Charity, hi, do you want to come in?”

Pippa had appeared in the doorway to her office and was watching Charity. She had that irritating look on her face that she always wore - like she was seeing more than what was in front of her eyes. With a sigh, Charity nodded and followed Pippa into her office.

Office was the wrong word really. It was more of a living room than an office with comfy sofas and a huge multi-coloured rug. Charity slipped off her shoes and took her usual place on the sofa, pulling her feet up and getting comfortable.

She’d been doing this for months now and had made a lot of progress. She didn’t dream about Harry anymore and she’d managed to let go of some of the guilt that had nearly driven her mad. After that, they’d started to look at other traumas in her life - her dad, having to give Debbie up, Bails. Pippa had helped her understand how it had all manifested into destructive behaviours that had prevented her from forming good relationships as an adult.

Pippa smiled at Charity, big blue eyes peering out over the top of her black framed spectacles. “Do you want to pick up where we left off last time?”

Nodding, Charity steeled herself. Last time, they had talked about finding Ryan and the court case. They’d hit a dead end when Susan had wanted to know how she had felt after that. Charity had clammed up and started making jokes instead of addressing what she was avoiding. So they’d stopped there, but Susan had set her the task of opening a box.

Charity had a lot of boxes. That was something she had learned early on in therapy. There was a box for Bails that had been opened back in 2018 and had never quite closed again afterwards. There was a box for Declan and his attempt to kill her, a box for Jai and how he had held her hostage in a storage container, and there was a box for Vanessa.

That was the only box they hadn’t really opened yet. Charity visualised them all in a storage room. Some of the boxes were made of cardboard, beaten and battered by her attempts to unpack them but some, like Vanessa’s box were in a steel safe wrapped in barbed wire and booby trapped.

She tried again, in vain, to explain this to Pippa. Opening the box would only cause her pain and Charity couldn’t think of a single way that it would make anything better.

“And do you think it’s completely harmless left where it is?” the therapist asked and Charity shook her head. “That’s a lot of weight to be carrying around. Opening it may be painful, but processing it and working through it - imagine how much lighter you could feel.”

A dozen sarcastic retorts came to rest on the tip of Charity’s tongue and with great effort, she swallowed them back down. Not using humour to deflect uncomfortable questions was a constant battle in these sessions.

“What do you want to know?” she asked instead.

“How about we start with why she’s in the box in the first place?”

“Because I wouldn’t be able to live in the same village as her otherwise. Wouldn’t be able to stomach seeing her happy with someone else.”

“What about Mack?”

“What about him?” Charity asked, more defensive than she intended.

“You said you wouldn’t be able to stomach her being happy with someone else, but you are happy with someone else.”

“I am,” she admitted, brows furrowed. “But I think I only let myself be happy with Mack once I’d put her in the box.” That was a hard one to admit. She did love her husband, but it wasn’t like what she had felt for Vanessa. She’d needed to settle and she couldn’t have done that while Vanessa was still an option.

“So, if we open it?” Pippa pressed.

“I don’t know…” Charity answered honestly. “Besides, Vanessa has well and truly moved on. She’s happy with someone else without putting me in a box.”

Charity spent the rest of the session explaining to Pippa exactly why Vanessa had the right to hate her and rebuffing any suggestions from Pippa that she should forgive herself. Of course, with hindsight, Charity knew exactly why she had behaved the way she did when Vanessa was at her mums. Her PTSD hadn't suddenly appeared when she'd shot Harry. It had been with her since childhood, growing like a tumour until it had been impossible to ignore. Vanessa being gone and seeming to shut Charity out had triggered the abandonment issues that she now understood had been the catalyst for so many of her bad decisions over the years.

"Is that what Mack is?" Pippa asked. "Is he still a bad decision?"
Charity nodded her head, ashamed of herself for think about her husband that way. "He was..." Guilt twisted in her stomach as she remembered how many times she'd been ready to leave him in a heartbeat if Vanessa had only given her a sign. But even then, the fear of being totally alone had paralysed her and she'd worked hard to convince herself that life with Mack could be just as good as her life had been with Vanessa.*************** 
A few days later, when Vanessa walked into the Woolpack with Suzy, Charity felt it like a blade between her ribs. Glancing around, she was frustrated to find herself alone behind the bar and with no option but to serve them.

Vanessa’s smile was warm.

“Hi Charity, how’s Moses?”

Every conversation they had started the same.

“He’s good ta, how’s Johnny?”

“A menace,” Vanessa answered with a smirk. “Can we get two pints please?”

And that was it. Perfunctory politeness and then back to business as usual.

“Of course.”

Charity donned the smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes and busied herself with pouring drinks. Vanessa turned to Suzy and whispered something that elicited a smile. An inside joke perhaps or something flirty or maybe just asking Suzy to get a table because she wandered off to claim a booth.

Charity was glad it was just Vanessa when she returned with the two glasses. “Six quid please.”

“We should chat about Moses’ birthday sometime,” Vanessa said as she picked up the glasses and went to leave.

“Sure, whenever.” Charity said nonchalantly but what she really wanted to say was “don’t leave”.

Half an hour later, Chas returned from her break to find Charity polishing the same spot on the bar top over and over again. Following her cousin’s gaze, her eyes rested on Vanessa and Suzy and she sighed.

“What are you playing at?” she asked, startling Charity from her thoughts.

“Nothing!” she said a little too quickly, a little too defensively. “It’s just… I have this feeling that something's off.”

“Huh?”

“They’ve hardly said three words to each other and Suzy keeps looking at her phone.”

“Well god forbid - she’s probably working - now stop being an idiot and go and see if any of the orders are ready in the kitchen.”

Charity scoffed but did as she was told. She’d had enough therapy to know she was playing a dangerous game. “Susan and her bloody boxes,” she muttered under her breath as she stalked to the kitchen.

Marlon was busy putting together dishes when she arrived while Mary was leaning casually against a counter, eyes glued to her phone.

“One minute, Charity.” He cast an accusing look at his staff. “I think someone is back on the dating apps,” he added with a whisper. As if on cue, Mary let out a girlish giggle and Charity smirked.

“Yep, definitely on a promise!”

With the ploughman's and lasagne finally done, Charity took them and headed back into the pub. She made a conscious effort not to even look at Vanessa. She was so determined not to look in that direction that on her way back to the bar, she walked straight into the woman herself.

“Sorry!” she exclaimed as a winded Vanessa gathered herself. Vanessa busied herself smoothing down her clothes that hadn’t wrinkled at all.

“I know I’m small, but I didn’t think I was so easy to miss,” Vanessa joked with a chuckle.

If only she knew how hard it was to miss her, Charity thought and bit her tongue to stop herself blurting it out. All she could think to say instead was another apology.

“No harm done,” Vanessa smiled, placing a hand on Charity’s arm to reassure her. “I was just going to the ladies.” Vanessa glanced back at Suzy and sighed. “I might have more chance talking to myself in the mirror today.”

When Vanessa took her hand away and headed to the toilets, Charity’s arm felt suddenly cold and the shudder she’d been holding back trickled down her spine. Taking a deep breath, she headed back in the direction of the bar, glancing briefly at Suzy as she passed.

The dark haired woman was smiling widely at her phone now that Vanessa had gone and it filled Charity with a rage she couldn’t bite back. Plonking herself down in front of Suzy, she watched with increasing curiosity as the woman’s face contorted before she managed to contain whatever emotion it was that Charity’s sudden presence had elicited. Going off the shifting of her eyes, Charity was placing her bets on shame.

“Do you actually not know how lucky you are?” Charity asked accusingly.

“What are you talking about?” Suzy shifted, clearly uncomfortable and put her phone back in her pocket.

“You have a girlfriend like Vanessa all to yourself and you’d rather sit there on your phone doing god knows what.”

“Oh it’s nothing,” Suzy insisted a little too keenly. “It’s work stuff really. Mary wanting to throw a big party for April’s 16th.”

Remembering Mary’s giggle in the kitchen, Charity raised an eyebrow. Either Suzy was lying or she was telling the truth, but either way, it meant that Suzy was hiding something.

Charity didn’t have time to say anything else as the doors to the toilets swung open and Vanessa reappeared.

“Can’t tempt you with the special then?” Charity asked, sliding out of the booth and allowing Vanessa to scoot back into her seat.

“Erm, no thanks Charity…” Suzy said, struggling to hide her confusion.

“Well, you know where I am if you change your mind.”

Heading back to the bar, she walked straight past a scowling Chas and swerved the lecture she knew she was going to get. Instead, she headed back to the kitchen to order her own lunch. Something that Marlon, despite all the progress he had made, would not be able to make alone.

“Mary, can you please chop me some peppers?” he asked.

Blinking, Mary seemed surprised to see them standing there looking at her. Her cheeks took on a rosy hue as she put her phone down on the side and headed for the fridge.

Charity was fast. Grabbing a cup with one hand, she swiped the still open phone into her pocket and headed into the living room. Opening Whatsapp, she wasn’t too surprised to see Suzy at the top of Mary’s chat list. Opening the messages however, she was surprised to see that they’d all been deleted.

They were definitely hiding something then. The problem was, Charity had no evidence that it was what she thought it was.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Are there some aces up your sleeve?

You've no idea that you're in deep?

I dreamt about you nearly

Every night this week

“And if they are having an affair, what is the plan?”

Charity was back in therapy and Pippa was probably starting to understand why the Vanessa box was better kept shut. Charity shrugged in answer to the question, too full of rage to even begin unravelling the rational from the raw anger she was feeling.

“Let’s say you tell Vanessa and you’re right - she and Suzy split - then what?”

Charity knew it was a dead end and she really didn’t need Pippa telling her so.

“Vanessa can find someone who deserves her…” she said, trailing off to avoid the words on the tip of her tongue. Because she didn’t deserve Vanessa either after all she’d put her through. The rage swelled again and Charity was vaguely aware of her fingernails digging into her palms.

“Charity,” Pippa prodded cautiously, “Are you angry at Suzy or someone else right now?”

The anger was a wildfire coursing through her veins and burning her up from the inside.

“Me,” she admitted, allowing hot tears to stream down her face. “I hate Suzy for doing what I did to Vanessa because it’s easier to hate her than admit that I ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had.”

Pippa nodded knowingly and Charity wanted to slap the infuriating look off her face.

For the first time in months, Charity left therapy more wound up than when she went in. Pippa said that was how she knew she was doing important work but Charity begged to differ. Luckily, the office wasn’t far from one of Charity’s favourite pubs in Hotten - a lesser known Irish bar called ‘Callaghans’.

With a sigh, she slid onto a bar stool and held her hand up for the bar man. She didn’t recognise him so she assumed he was new.

“Large white wine please,”

Nodding, the dark haired man retrieved a small bottle from the fridge and poured into a large glass for her.

“Thanks,” she murmured, handing over her card and taking a long drink. The alcohol took effect immediately, making all the sharp and uncomfortable feelings she had a little fuzzy around the edges. Still, she swallowed the rest of it down and ordered another.

The second glass went down more slowly and when the bar man asked if she wanted another she shook her head. The alcohol had numbed the pain temporarily, but she wasn’t stupid enough to think that it would fix anything and getting bladdered would only make things worse. Instead, she hopped off the bar stool and headed for the bathroom.

And that’s when she spotted them. Hidden away in a booth at the far end of the bar, Suzy and Mary were sat next to each other, arms linked and lost in each other’s eyes. Charity swerved the toilets and headed straight for them.

“Charity!” Suzy yelped, jumping out of her seat as if Mary had the plague. Mary at least had the decency to hang her head in shame. “It’s not what it looks like,” Suzy insisted half-heartedly, seeming to realise as soon as the words were out of her mouth that it was pointless to deny it.

Charity said nothing but held Suzy’s gaze unblinking. It didn’t take long for the younger woman to crack.

“We couldn’t help it,” she whimpered, looking back at Mary adoringly. “It just happened.”

“I had no idea that you and Vanessa had an open relationship,” Charity snapped sarcastically. “Come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure Vanessa knows that either.”

Suzy’s legs buckled beneath the guilt and she dropped back into her seat, tears falling silently down her cheeks.

Charity turned to Mary who flinched under the scrutiny. “You’re like a mother to her!” Charity exclaimed. “Gonna jump in bed with Marlon next?”

Mary flushed, half with shame and half with anger. “It’s not like that!” she protested. “We can’t help how we feel.”

Charity scoffed. “Maybe not Mary, but you can sure as hell help what you do about it so don’t even try and play it that way, either of you.”

“Will you tell Vanessa?” Suzy asked quietly, defeated.

“I’d say that at the very least, you owe Vanessa the truth.” She looked between them slowly until she was sure that they understood before walking away.
 ********************** 
“How was therapy?” Mack asked her across the bar that evening. She’d tried to wangle a night off after the revelations of the day had sent her spiralling, but Chas was having none of it. She had a hot date with Dr Liam. And so Mack had plonked himself on a stool and was keeping her company.

At least that’s how he saw it. For her, his voice was like a fly that kept buzzing near her ear but she couldn’t swat away.

“Huh? Oh, it was fine. All good.” Charity forced a smile. She hadn’t told her husband anything about therapy since Vanessa had become the topic of conversation. He had been a good sounding board for all the other stuff and it had helped to talk things through at times, but she couldn’t tell him about this. Couldn’t tell him that they were working through all of her unresolved feelings for Vanessa and that the more she talked about Vanessa, the more she was finding him annoying.

The pub was quiet - which was typical on a school night - and Charity hated it. She wanted to be kept busy so that she could stop wondering if Vanessa knew by now and how she was handling it. Instead, with precious little to do except look at Mack’s gormless face, she was going slowly insane.

When the doors swung open, Charity was relieved to finally have something to do and practically jogged to the other side of the bar. Her face dropped when Suzy walked in with Vanessa. A smiling, cheerful looking Vanessa.

“You sit down love, I’ll get these,” Suzy offered, practically shoving Vanessa out of the way. With a quirk of her eyebrow and a quick nod to Charity, Vanessa did as she was told and picked through the rest of the punters to find a free table.

“She doesn’t look terribly heartbroken,” Charity hissed at Suzy through gritted teeth. “You guys decided to give the throuple thing a go?”

Suzy glanced quickly towards Vanessa, hoping she hadn’t heard Charity, but Vanessa was completely clueless.

“Please don’t do this Charity,” Suzy begged, turning back and fixing the blonde barmaid with a pleading look. “I will tell her, I will - but she’s had a really bad day and I want her to unwind first.”

Charity raised a brow and glanced at Vanessa who smiled and offered an awkward wave. Charity couldn’t help but smile back - the woman was just too adorable.

“She looks pretty calm to me. What’s been so bad about today?”

Charity picked up two pint glasses and waited for the nod from Suzy before beginning to pour. She kept her eyes on the pump but listened and waited for Suzy’s reply.

“She had to put a dog down after it got mangled in a combine harvester,” Suzy said flatly and Charity flinched as the memory of nearly meeting a similar fate floated up from the storage room.

“Well, you better hurry up and find a right time Suzy. I’d hate to be the one to have to tell her but there’s no way I’m going to sit back and watch you make a mug of her. That’s £6 please.”

Suzy tapped her card against the reader, picking up the pints with a forced smile.

“I’ll tell her tonight,” she promised before heading to her table.
 
“...so when I finally managed to tow the car out of the ditch, I asked him how it had happened…” Charity nodded dumbly at regular intervals as Mack told her yet another riveting tale about his heroic act of the day. She couldn’t really keep an eye on Suzy and Vanessa with him there, but she was far too invested in when Suzy would break the news to focus much on her husband.

“Charity, are you listening?” he asked then and she scolded herself. She’d missed the punchline.

“Sorry Mack, I’m not really feeling like talking tonight. Do you think you could head home and make sure Moses gets to bed okay? I swear our Noah isn’t making him brush his teeth.”

Mack looked like he wanted to argue, or at least press Charity about why she was so distracted, but Charity was thankful when he agreed and downed the last dregs of his pint.

At about the same time as he slipped out the front door, she saw Suzy reach for her phone and excuse herself from the table mid conversation with Vanessa. No doubt she was off to fill Mary in on the latest developments. Vanessa watched Suzy go before jumping up and heading over to the bar.
 
“Hey Charity,” she said with a smile. “Sorry about before, I actually needed to talk to you. Johnny really wants Moses to come for tea tomorrow so he can show him the new football net we’ve got in the garden. Suzy has been spoiling him rotten lately.”

Charity’s eyes rolled before she could stop them and Vanessa noticed and frowned.

“She is allowed you know, she’s practically his mother.”

Vanessa might as well have whipped out a sword and plunged it into Charity’s heart. It was bad enough hearing Vanessa talking so confidently about Suzy’s place in their lives when Charity knew what was coming, but to call Suzy Johnny’s ‘mother’ was the icing on the cake. She had been his mother. Was his mother, legally. She knew Suzy was having buying stuff for him out of guilt and perhaps because he still asked to see Charity all the time, but that didn’t make her feel any better.

Vanessa seemed to realise that she’d hit below the belt and softened a little. Not much, but a little.

“Sorry,” she murmured as Suzy wandered back to the table. “Just let me know yeah? If Moses can come for tea tomorrow?”

Charity nodded. “It should be fine. I’ll let you know.”

Charity was relieved when the pair left, letting out a breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

How many secrets can you keep?

'Cause there's this tune I found

That makes me think of you somehow

And I play it on repeat

Until I fall asleep

Spillin' drinks on my settee

“Moses, slow down please. You’re going to give yourself indigestion!”

Charity had barely put his plate on the table before Moses, fresh from school, had begun his assault on his dinner. Fish fingers were crammed whole into his mouth as he raced to finish eating so that he could go to Vanessa’s and play football with Johhny.

Shaking her head, Charity returned to looking out of the window. At a certain angle, you could just about see the front door of Tug Ghyll, and Charity had spent most of the day watching for any sign of a bomb dropping. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do once the bomb did fall.

The scraping of the chair told her Moses had finished. Like the duracell bunny, he had deposited his plate in the sink and was already at the door pulling on his trainers.

“Hold on kiddo, I’ll walk you over,” she said, grabbing her phone and keys off the side. If Suzy had still not come clean then clearly Charity needed to apply the thumb screws.

“It’s only across the road!” Moses protested, “and I’m nearly 10!”

Her youngest was getting more and more independent the closer he got to double digits and was mortally offended whenever he was treated like a kid.

“I need to have a quick word with Vanessa about something important,” she said.

“Is it about my birthday?” he asked, eyes widening with excitement and his plea for independence forgotten.

“Maybe,” she half-lied, and Moses grinned. Vanessa had wanted to talk about Moses’ birthday at some point but Charity wasn’t sure that conversation would be at the top of Vanessa’s list of priorities soon.

Half dragging her across the street, Moses finally got bored and broke free. Running up the path towards Tug Ghyll, he came to a halt to bang on the door. After a few seconds there was no sign of the door opening and Moses went to knock again, impatient as always.

“Hold on,” Charity said, catching his fist before it could pound against the door. Instead, she moved over to the window and peered inside. There was no sign of Vanessa or Suzy, but Johnny was sitting on the sofa watching cartoons. Tapping on the window, she got his attention and his face broke out into grin at the sight of her.

“Beat that Suzy,” she muttered under her breath as her adopted son leapt up and ran for the door.

“Hey Johnnybobs, didn’t you hear us knock?” she said as he opened the door and flung his arms around her. She hugged him back and ruffled his hair. Pulling away, she was surprised to see the boy looking worried as he scanned the street behind them.

“I’m not supposed to be answering the door,” he whispered once he was sure the coast was clear.

“Why not?” Charity asked.

“Because mummy said so.”

“Where is your mum? Or Suzy?” It wasn’t like Vanessa to leave Johnny to fend for himself. Charity shooed him into the house, closing the door quietly behind her.

“She’s sad,” he said quietly. “Her and Suzy had a big argument last night - it woke me up - and now this morning, Suzy is gone and Mum won’t get out of bed.”

Charity swallowed. The thought of Vanessa being heartbroken again made her own shame settle heavy in her chest. Still, she was relieved that Suzy hadn’t dragged it out longer.

“Right boys, you two are going to go and play in the garden okay? You don’t go anywhere else and you stay in the garden for half an hour.”

“What are you gonna do mum?” Moses asked, glancing at the stairs. Charity knew that he would be worried about Vanessa. He adored her and despite his boundless energy, he was very sensitive and often worried about the grown ups in his life.

“I’m going to talk to Ness sweetheart and see if I can cheer her up.”
 
Moses and Johnny nodded before heading out into the garden, leaving Charity to make two mugs of tea. Everything was still in the same place at Tug Ghyll and as she made Vanessa’s tea just the way she liked it, it felt like no time had passed at all since this had been her life.

At the top of the stairs, Charity paused and listened. From behind Vanessa’s bedroom door she could hear her ex-fiance’s muffled sobs. Charity had second thoughts then - looking back down the stairs and wondered if it would be smarter to just leave. What comfort could she really offer Vanessa when she had behaved just as badly as Suzy in the past?

Taking a deep breath, Charity tapped one of the mugs on the bedroom door before easing it open with her hip.

“Ness,” she said quietly, taking in the sight of the other woman curled up in the fetal position in a nest of blankets and snotty tissues. Vanessa’s face was puffy and blotchy from what Charity assumed was a lot of crying.

At the sight of Charity, Vanessa quickly moved into a sitting position and wiped furiously at her face.

“What are you doing here?” she snapped.

Charity offered her the mug which Vanessa took without taking her eyes off Charity. “Don’t be mad at him, but Johnny said you hadn’t got out of bed today and I was worried. He said you and Suzy argued.”

Vanessa snorted. “And what does that have to do with you?”

Her words were barbed wire but Charity took a deep breath and didn’t rise to the bait. Even if the best way to help Vanessa was to offer herself up as an emotional punchbag, she would do it.

“Can I sit down?” she asked, nodding to the bed that she had once shared with Vanessa. Again, not much had changed.

“Whatever,” Vanessa huffed, and Charity took it as permission, perching herself on the edge of the bed.

“What’s happened Ness?” she asked after taking a sip of her own tea, decidedly stronger than Vanessa’s. She watched as Vanessa’s face contorted, as if every single emotion was fighting for dominance within her. For a split second, Charity was sure that anger would win and that Vanessa would tell her to do one.

In the end, heartbreak won. Vanessa’s face crumpled up like paper as she burst into a fresh round of tears. Charity’s arms physically ached with the desperation she felt to reach out to Vanessa and pull her into a hug.

“She was having an affair,” Vanessa managed to say between sobs.

“I’m so sorry Ness,” Charity said sincerely, daring to put one hand over Vanessa’s and give it a squeeze. Vanessa looked at it and then at Charity with a scowl.

“I know you knew so don’t try and act surprised!” she spat. Charity pulled back her hand, wounded.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, looking down at her tea. “I just thought she should be the one to tell you.”

Vanessa took a trembling breath, fighting for composure. “I know,” she admitted with a little less venom. “She said you’d made it impossible for her.”

Charity felt a wave of relief as Vanessa gave her a watery and weak smile, a reassurance that she wasn’t really angry at Charity. Not really.

“So she told you who she’s been seeing?” Charity asked, braver now. Vanessa nodded, fighting back another swell of tears.

“Mary is like a mother to me - always has been - I don’t know who I feel more betrayed by or how I’m going to look her in the eye after this.” She wiped roughly at her cheeks. Charity moved her hand back to Vanessa’s instinctively and Vanessa looked at it thoughtfully.

“I really thought no one could ever hurt me the way you hurt me,” she said quietly without malice. She wasn’t on the attack, Charity thought, just stating a fact.

“If it means anything at all, I really didn’t want anyone else to hurt you the way that I did.”

“It does,” Vanessa said, turning over her hand so she could squeeze Charity’s hand. “Mean something, I mean. I know how much you regretted it and how you wish it had happened differently.”

Looking up from their clasped hands to Vanessa’s eyes, Charity knew somewhere deep inside that she should just nod and say nothing.

“Regret,” she whispered instead.

“Huh?” Vanessa looked at her, confused.

“Regret,” Charity said a little louder. “Present tense. I’ll never stop regretting how much I’ve hurt you.” She wanted to add that she didn’t wish she’d done things differently either, but that she actually wished it had never happened at all, but she had just enough sense left in her head to know that such an admission would freak Vanessa out right now. Besides, she was there to help Vanessa heal, not open up old wounds as well.

“Charity?” Vanessa’s voice was timid and unsure.

“Yeah?”

“Would it be weird to ask for a hug?”

Charity didn’t need to think. She placed her mug on the bedside table and opened her arms for Vanessa. Vanessa let herself fall against Charity’s chest and Charity’s arms slid effortlessly around her.

The weight of Vanessa against her body felt both strange and achingly familiar. Instinctively, Charity moved one hand to Vanessa’s hair and began to stroke some of the damp tendrils away from her face. It was Vanessa’s favourite way to fall asleep, being held and having her hair stroked. Or at least it had been. The lack of protest from Vanessa however gave Charity the confidence to shuffle slowly into a more comfortable sitting position so she could better support Vanessa.

Vanessa shifted and looked up at her, and Charity saw just how exhausted her ex was.

“Do you want me to go?” Charity asked, knowing that she may well have outstayed her welcome.

“Please don’t,” Vanessa said, burrowing herself back into Charity.

Charity hoped that Vanessa couldn't hear just how fast her heart was beating and was thankful that Vanessa wasn't looking at her face. If she had, she'd no doubt have seen in Charity's eyes how much this intimacy was affecting her. Memories that had been safely locked away for years now came tumbling out of that steel box. Every fibre of her being screamed at her that this is exactly where she was meant to be - where she had always been meant to be. She tried to remember Mack and tell herself that she could never have Vanessa, but it was increasingly hard to do when the woman was literally curled up in her arms and falling asleep. 
Charity knew then and there that she was in big trouble. 
By the time the boys came upstairs half an hour later, Vanessa had drifted into a restless sleep and Charity’s right arm was going numb.

“Shh,” she warned them and nodded towards the stairs. Understanding her, they both headed back downstairs to wait for her. Charity eased a sleeping Vanessa onto the pillows and slid off the bed as quietly as she could. She picked up all the snotty tissues and put them in the bin before pulling one of Vanessa’s blankets over her and making sure she was warm. She could have stayed there watching the other woman sleep all night but she had to get Moses home.

Grabbing an empty envelope and a pen off Vanessa’s dressing table, she scribbled a quick note saying that she’d taken Johnny to hers until Tracy finished work and then crept downstairs.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Do I wanna know if this feelin' goes both ways?

It's sad to see you go, sorta hopin' that you'd stay

The cafe was getting busier by the time Charity started on her second cup of coffee. A steady trickle of familiar faces joined the queue - some offering her a polite nod of acknowledgement but most too lost in their own thoughts to give her the time of day. Charity was grateful that none tried to make conversation.

She’d left Mack asleep after tossing and turning for most of the night. So many times, she had picked up her phone and gone to text Vanessa or Tracy, but every time she had seen sense before hitting send. Vanessa had her sister and she didn’t need Charity at all.

Johnny had ended up sleeping at hers, on Moses’ bottom bunk. As she’d tucked him in and turned out the lights, he’d asked her quietly if his mum was going to be okay.

“Your mum is the strongest woman I know Johnnybobs,” Charity had assured him. “She’s just sad because her feelings are hurt but she will be okay.” He had accepted that, trusting Charity implicitly like he always had done.

“Charity?” he whispered again, snuggling down into the duvet and getting comfy.

“Yeah Johnnybobs?” she asked, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“I’ve missed you calling me Johnnybobs,” he murmured, letting his eyes close and giving in to sleep.

Charity managed to get to the bathroom before she started crying. The truth was she had missed calling him that too. It was her name for him and no one else’s. She’d worried he was getting too old for pet names but Johnny was a little further away from the double digits than Moses who had suddenly decided over supper that night that he wanted to be called Mo from now on. 
 
Back in the cafe, Charity’s semi-peaceful morning coffee was rudely interrupted when Rhona rushed in, eyes scouring every table until she saw Charity.

“Have you seen Vanessa?” she asked in a hurry.

“Erm, no Rhona, why?” Charity knew it wasn’t her place to share the news. Knowing her neighbours and their love of gossip, she was pretty sure it would be common knowledge soon enough, or at least when Suzy and Mary decided to go public with their relationship.

“Because she was meant to be opening up,” Rhona said, flustered. “And when I said as much to mum, she went white as a sheet and said she thought Vanessa was ill. So clearly something’s happened and no one is telling me anything.”

“Well have you tried asking Vanessa?”

“I would if I could find her!” Rhona exclaimed, clearly exasperated by the fact that no one was being straight with her.

“Alright, calm down,” Charity hushed, sensing that they were becoming the centre of attention. “Let’s take a walk.”

Once safely outside, Charity asked if she’d tried calling Vanessa or knocking on her door.

“Of course I have! She’s not answering her phone and Tracy is giving me the same “she’s sick” gubbins that my mum gave me.”

Charity looked around, but there was no one within ten feet of them. “I can’t tell you what has happened, but it’s bad. I’m sure Vanessa or Mary will tell you soon.”

“Is it the cancer? Has it come back?” Rhona glanced at Tug Ghyll fearfully.

“No, it’s not that,” Charity was quick to reassure her. “Look, just talk to your mum again. Tell her Charity told you to.”

“Why on earth would Vanessa tell my mum and not me?” Rhona asked, not taking ‘no’ for an answer.

Charity shook her head, refusing to say anything more and eventually Rhona gave up and rushed off back in the direction of Smithy cottage.

Charity looked at Tug Ghyll and tried to ignore the tugging sensation in her gut that told her to go to Vanessa. She had a shift at the pub in ten minutes and Vanessa probably wouldn’t want to see her anyway. She set off for the pub, only half surprised when her feet took her past it and down Main Street to Vanessa’s door.
 
Tracy was halfway down the path when she arrived and rolled her eyes when she saw Charity approaching.

“Look Charity, thanks for having Johnny last night, but I don’t think Vanessa needs to see you right now.”

Charity stopped at the gate. “How is she?”

Tracy scowled, but it was short-lived. “In bits,” she admitted. “Just wait til I see Suzy,” she added.

“That probably won’t help,” Charity pointed out and Tracy sighed.

“I know but my god, I’m so angry I could hit someone!”

Charity wished, not for the first time, that she had a sister like Tracy, or any sibling that cared about her half as much as Vanessa and Tracy cared about each other.

“You can hit me if it’ll make you feel better,” Charity offered, uncrossing her arms and holding out her palms to show that she was willing.

Tracy smiled. “As tempting as that is, no. For once, this isn’t your fault.”

That stung, but Charity didn’t let it show.

“Look, I have a shift at the pub so I’ll only be ten minutes, tops. I just want to let her know that Johnny got to school okay and that he sends his love. I promise I won’t upset her.”

“Fine then! I’ve got to open up the shop anyway. If she tells me later that you’ve upset her, I’m going to reconsider your offer though.”

With that, Tracy stepped aside and let Charity pass before heading over to the shop. Charity watched her for a second before slipping inside Tug Ghyll.

Across the road, Mack watched her and frowned.

Charity was relieved to see that Vanessa had made it downstairs that morning. She was less reassured by the fact that the nest of blankets and tissue had been relocated to the sofa as well.

Vanessa looked up as she walked in but her face was expressionless, her eyes devoid of any emotion at all. She was dressed in the same clothes as yesterday with yesterdays make-up still streaked across her cheeks, hair unbrushed and tied back in a scrunchie.

“What do you want?” Vanessa asked before turning her gaze back to mindless daytime television.

“Erm, well, I thought I’d just let you know that Johnny got to school okay this morning and he’s absolutely fine. Worried about you, obviously, but he’s having a good time with Moses. And erm, well, if you want he could stay at mine a bit longer.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Vanessa said with a small shrug of her shoulders. When Charity didn’t respond, she added: “Anything else?”

Charity bit her lip and shoved her hands into her pockets. Once again, she decided to ignore the voice of reason telling her to keep her neb out.

“Rhona was asking after you in the cafe,” she confessed, and Vanessa’s head spun around, eyes flashing briefly with anger.

“What did you tell her?!” Vanessa demanded.

“Nothing!” Charity insisted. “I told her to talk to you. I told her nothing I swear.”

“Good,” Vanessa said, instantly calmer and turning back to the TV.

“But she said Mary was acting weird and you know, it’s only a matter of time before it gets out. You know what the village is like…”

Vanessa rolled her eyes weakly. “Yeah, I do,” she muttered. “At least they’ll be giving someone else a break.”

Charity smiled at the weak attempt at humour. Glancing at the clock in the kitchen, she realised she was already five minutes late.

“Do you want anything before I go to work? A brew? A brush? A mint?” Charity cringed inwardly, knowing she was pushing her luck, relieved when Vanessa’s face creased with a smile and she laughed.

“Well making an effort never gets me anywhere does it,” she quipped. “Might as well scare any other potential cheaters off before they worm their way in.”

Charity winced, knowing she counted among the people that Vanessa wanted to guard herself against. And yet, despite it all - the sniping, the pushing, the wall-building - she couldn’t bring herself to leave.

“Brew first then, then the hose.”
 
Charity was exhausted when she finally got home that day. She’d been half an hour late to work which had meant playing catch up for the rest of the morning. The early morning caffeine had well and truly worn off by lunchtime and the final few hours of work had dragged. All she wanted to do was go to bed but she doubted that Moses and Johnny would find an early night quite as enjoyable as she would.

Bracing herself for the mayhem, she opened the front door to Jacob’s Fold and was stunned to be met with silence. Confused, she shrugged off her coat and hung it up near the door before placing her keys on the sideboard. She was desperately trying to think where everyone could be when she noticed the curtain twitch. Looking down, she smiled to herself to see a pair of trainers poking out.

Feigning ignorance, she crept over to the kitchen. On her way, she scanned the room for another hidden child and finally spotted an elbow sticking out from behind the armchair. Opening the treat cupboard, she pulled out the huge bag of crisps and opened it loudly.

“Oh well, if I’m home all alone I’m just going to have to eat all the crisps myself!”

“No!” both boys screamed, jumping out of their respective hiding places and launching themselves towards Charity and the crisps. Charity played her part well, feigning surprise and letting them wrestle the crisps from her without putting up too much of a fight.

When Mack came down the stairs a few seconds later, it was to Charity and her boys in a heap of giggles on the floor. She reached out a hand to him dramatically, “Save me!” she yelled, expecting him to join in. But his face remained stoic and unimpressed. Instead of joining in, he stepped around them and went to sit on the sofa.

Scrambling from beneath her boys, she wrapped them both in a bear hug.

“Listen ratbags,” she wheezed, still catching her breath from all the laughing. “Why don’t you both take these crisps and have a play on the XBox upstairs?”

“Yes!” they yelled in unison and ran upstairs.

Flicking the kettle on, Charity studied her husband. He was flicking through the channels but Charity could tell he wasn’t really interested in watching anything. His bad mood hung around the room, so thick it could choke.

“What’s up with you?” she asked while making them both a cup of tea.

Mack scoffed. “Oh, remembered I exist have you?” he said and Charity seethed at the childishness of it.

“Sorry, did you want a packet of crisps and a play on the xbox instead?” She didn’t try to hide the sarcasm.

“No, but you have barely said three sentences to me over the last couple of days. You’ve just assumed that it's cool for Johnny to be here, and you were gone this morning when I woke up.”

Charity hushed him, hoping Johnny hadn’t heard him.

“I had work and I thought you’d appreciate the lie in!” she hissed. “And I shouldn’t need to ask your permission to have my own son stay over!”

Mack’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his skull. “He is *not* your son, Charity,” he said. “I can’t believe that I had to let my son, my flesh and blood, to another country while your playing happy families with your ex’s kid!”

Charity saw red. Johnny was her son. Legally and in every way that mattered.

“Your son is in another country because you couldn’t keep it in your pants and impregnated a psycho!” she hissed. “And Johnny is as much my son as Moses and if I say he’s staying here, he’s staying here.”

“Oh right, I see,” Mack huffed, flouncing back to the sofa. “Vanessa’s single again so screw me I guess.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Charity yelled, losing her temper completely.

“Ridiculous?” he yelled back, “Ridiculous? I saw you going to her last night and this morning, Charity so don’t turn this around on me.”

“Oh my god Mack, she’s just had her heart broken, I was being a friend, not trying to sleep with her!”

Mack scoffed. “Stop kidding yourself Charity! I’m going out.”

He jumped up and grabbed his jacket before storming out of the house. Charity flinched as the door slammed behind him. Almost instantly, she could breathe again. Looking down, she noticed that her knuckles had turned white where she was gripping the counter.

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed an envelope, opened and addressed to Mack. Their address was handwritten and had a french stamp. Pulling out the contents, she opened the short letter inside. A picture of Reuben fell out.

“He misses his daddy. Write back if you want to visit. - Chloe”

Short and sweet Charity thought, studying the picture. Reuben had changed a lot. He was a chubby, healthy looking toddler now and looked so much like Mack it would be impossible to deny he was the father. No wonder Mack had been in a foul mood, she thought, but it didn’t excuse the way he’d spoken about Johnny and what he’d accused her of.

Pushing the contents back into the envelope, she tried to calm down and think rationally.

Rationally, she should care that her husband was in pain. Rationally, she should probably go after him or at least text him to come home so they could talk properly. Rationally, she knew that there had been some truth to what he had said about Vanessa and that her anger had been a reflex rooted in guilt.

The question was, what was she going to do about it?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Crawlin' back to you

Ever thought of callin' when you've had a few?

'Cause I always do

Maybe I'm too

Busy bein' yours to fall for somebody new

Now, I've thought it through

Mack had come home eventually, bladdered and tearful. She had made him sleep on the sofa, refusing to talk until he was sober.

Breakfast the next morning was accompanied by his snoring which made the muscles in Charity’s jaw twitch. Both Moses and Johnny were quiet over breakfast. Moses ate his cornflakes a lot slower than usual while Johnny just pushed his around the bowl with his spoon.

“Not hungry Johnnybobs?”

Johnny shook his head and looked over to the sofa. “You were arguing with Mack,” he whispered. “Is Mack going to leave like Suzy?” Moses, who clearly hadn’t jumped to quite the same conclusion, looked suddenly worried.

“No, of course not. Sometimes grown ups just get cross. It doesn’t always mean someone will leave.”

“Did you used to get cross with mum?” Johnny asked.

“Sometimes,” Charity admitted, remembering some of the rows they had had. At the beginning of their relationship, it had been her who had started most of them but eventually Vanessa had bared her teeth too. “Your mum,” she laughed, ruffling Johnny’s hair, “always knew how to keep me in line.”

A derisive snort from the sofa signalled that Mack was awake and that he did not approve of their conversation. Choosing to ignore him, she busied herself with getting both boys school ready before ordering them to the car. Watching them argue and wrestle for who got to sit up front, she turned back.

“I’m going to see if Vanessa is okay to have Johnny back tonight and then we need to talk.”

She didn’t wait for an answer before leaving.

She was surprised to find Vanessa showered and dressed in clean clothes by the time she’d dropped the boys off at school and headed to Tug Ghyll.

“I suppose I can cancel the power washer then,” Charity said with a smirk after letting herself in.

Vanessa looked up from the blanket-free sofa and smiled.

“Hey, I was just about to text you. I really appreciate you having Johnny for me the last few nights, but I’m really missing him.”

Charity perched on the arm of the sofa. “He’s been missing you too,” she admitted. “But you know he’s welcome anytime.”

“I know, but I think I need to try and get back to some sort of normal. I can’t hide in here for the rest of my life.”

Charity was pleased to hear Vanessa sounding more positive but she also recalled just how long Vanessa had avoided her after their break up.

“Are you sure?” she asked, “you’re bound to bump into them in a village this small.”

Vanessa grimaced at the thought but nodded her head defiantly.

“This village is my home and honestly, I’ve been thinking a lot, and while I hate them for doing what they did, I think it was for the best that Suzy and I break up.”

Charity’s brows furrowed in surprise, “Really? Why?”

Vanessa opened her mouth to reply then blushed. “We just weren’t exactly compatible,” she mumbled with a shrug.

There was a pause before the penny dropped and Charity had to suppress the laughter that bubbled up inside her. “Oh I see!” she exclaimed, causing Vanessa to turn an even darker shade of crimson. “So she couldn’t keep up with the tiny blonde rocket woman eh?”

On the verge of spontaneous combustion, Vanessa lunged forward and attempted to shove Charity from her perch on the sofa. With lightning fast reflexes, Charity managed to catch Vanessa’s wrist just in time. For a moment, she was so intent on regaining her balance and not falling to the floor, that she didn’t fully register the physical contact. It was only when she noticed Vanessa had stopped laughing that she followed the other woman’s gaze to their clasped hands and froze.

Though only seconds passed, it felt like forever before Charity let go and Vanessa pulled her hand to her chest as if protecting it from being snatched again.

“Sorry,” Charity mumbled. “I should get going, but let me know if you want me to pick Johnny up from school. And by me, I mean Noah, because he’s on school run duty today.”

She didn’t wait for Vanessa’s reply before hurrying out of the house without looking back.
 
She was halfway home before she remembered to breathe. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at how ridiculous the whole thing was, getting flustered over touching Vanessa’s hand. At first, it had just felt like the most natural thing in the world, until she’d remembered that it wasn’t anymore - or shouldn’t be. Then it had stopped feeling natural and suddenly she was holding onto a 1000 volts of electricity that threatened to turn her whole life upside down.

Arriving at the door to Jacob’s Fold, Charity tried her best to put what had happened out of her head. She knew she needed to sort things out with Mack, and she couldn’t do that if her head was full of Vanessa.

Mack was still on the sofa, though he had at least sat up. She headed to the armchair and took in the sorry sight of a grown man sulking like a toddler who had just had his sweets taken. It took all the will power she could muster to push down the wave of irritation she felt just looking at him.

“Johnny is my kid Mack. Even if I told Vanessa I wouldn’t hold the adoption papers over her or get in the way, he’s legally mine and I feel as responsible for him as I do Moses or Noah or Ryan or Debs.”

“I know,” Mack mumbled, burying his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, okay. I had just been really needing to talk to you about the letter and it felt like I was invisible all of a sudden.”

He had a point, Charity thought. It had been easier to pretend he didn’t exist lately. Opening the Vanessa box and coming to terms with how she still felt about the vet had been confusing enough without stopping to think of him too. But she couldn’t deny any longer that her relationship with Mack and her feelings for Vanessa weren’t mutually exclusive.

“I know,” she admitted. “I’ve been distracted. But you still could have gone about it in a better way.”

Mack nodded, lowering his hands from his face and clasping them between his knees.

“What’s going on with Vanessa?” he asked quietly, flinching as if he was scared of what the answer would be. Charity contemplated being completely honest with him for a second, but decided that she still had a lot of figuring out to do herself first. There was no point detonating a bomb before she knew what she wanted.

“I obviously still care a lot about her and I’ve been feeling guilty because Suzy and Mary have done to her what we did. I think I’ve just been wanting to help her to try and make up for hurting her myself years ago.”

It wasn’t a lie at all. She had just happened to have omitted the other motivations she had for wanting to be around Vanessa. Mack slumped back against the sofa, relieved.

“I’m sorry for being jealous. I just know how much she means to you. I was scared.”

“No need,” she lied. “So with that cleared up, how are you feeling about the Reuben situation?”

“I need to go and see him, Charity.” he admitted.

She had expected and hoped that he would say as much but tried to look at least a little bit conflicted.

“I understand,” she said, looking at her hands.

“You could come too, and Moses. We could make a holiday out of it.”

Looking up, Charity saw the excitement in his eyes and panicked. Not only did she want to avoid Chloe at all costs after everything that had happened with Harry, but she needed some space from Mack too if she was ever going to sort out how she felt about Vanessa.

“I can’t,” she said, watching his face fall at her words. “Not after Harry - I just can’t be around Chloe. Not yet.”

He was disappointed but he didn’t push her, knowing how much therapy it had taken for her to move past Harry’s death.

“So I guess I’m just booking one ticket,” he said resignedly, then paused. “But we’re okay?” he asked tentatively.

“We are,” she reassured him. Another lie.
 
“Hasn’t it crossed your mind that he might not want to leave Reuben again?” Pippa asked, failing to mask her concern.

Charity had told her all about the argument and the letter and the decision they’d made. She’d also told her about Vanessa and Johnny so she couldn’t blame Pippa for wondering.

“It has,” she admitted, looking sheepish. “And is it terrible that it doesn’t worry me?”

“That depends on whether you’re not worried because you trust him to come home or if it’s because you don’t care if he doesn’t.”

Charity knew she looked guilty. Knew that her face would betray her if she tried to lie. Pippa nodded thoughtfully but said nothing.

“It’s not that I don’t care exactly,” she said, wanting to defend herself a little. “I know that he isn’t happy not being in Reuben’s life. I want him to have a relationship with his son.”

“And while he’s away?” Pippa didn’t need to clarify what she meant.

“I need to sort out these feelings that you’ve made me dig up and I need to know where I stand with Vanessa.”

“And if she wanted you back?”

At the mere thought of being back with Vanessa, an avalanche of memories buried all thoughts of Mack. Holding Vanessa, touching her, kissing her, laughing with her, even arguing with her. For a moment, their history was present tense and it felt wonderful.

“I’d leave Mack in a heartbeat.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Mack was gone and Charity felt free.

She had come close to telling him a dozen times. I’m not in love with you anymore. I don’t think I ever was. I think you’re just someone I used to try and forget what I’d lost and I’m sorry.

But every time she came close to pulling the rug from under his feet, he would mention Reuben and the trip and his excitement was palpable. He had given Reuben up for her freedom and she knew that if she told him it was over he would choose to stay and try and fix things. She couldn’t let him give up his only chance to have his son in his life.

So she let him go in blissful ignorance - believing that he would return to the same woman he had left in the airport car park.

Waking up the next morning, she turned to the empty space beside her and smiled at the unbidden memories of Vanessa sleeping there. The memory was so clear that Charity could picture her clearly, golden hair splayed across the pillow, lips slightly parted, eyelashes fluttering against her skin as she woke. She remembered how she’d stare at Charity for a moment, shaking off the remnants of sleep, before blushing and hiding her face beneath her arms. And Charity would pull her arms away and use them to tug Vanessa towards her until she could feel Vanessa’s skin against her own. Sometimes they would just hold onto each other, talking quietly so as not to wake up the children. And sometimes Vanessa would look up into Charity’s face and smirk, knowing that Charity would not be able to resist kissing her.

Charity scrunched her eyes shut and groaned at the memories that came next. Memories that she had been trying to ignore for fear they would drive her crazy. Because if Vanessa was never going to want her like that again, and all she had left was those memories - that was a torture she knew she couldn’t endure.
 
After dropping Moses off at school, Charity knew that she was going to need a gallon of coffee to get her through an 8 hour shift at the pub so she headed for the cafe. She was just about to open the door when it flung open and a bundle of cardigan and coat ran straight into her. Vanessa stared at her for a second in stunned silence before huffing and pushing past her to march towards the vets.

“Oh I’m fine Ness, no need to apologise…” she shouted sarcastically, but Vanessa didn’t turn back. Charity thought about following her, but figured that Vanessa needed a moment alone and she needed to know what Nicola or Brenda had said to upset her so much.

In the cafe, she was met with silence and a few raised eyebrows. Though every table was full, no one was talking. And that’s when Charity spotted the most likely cause of Vanessa’s hasty exit. Looking completely humiliated, Suzy and Mary cringed at the sight of her and averted their eyes. Ignoring them, Charity headed to the counter and ordered a latte from Nicola who was looking positively elated at whatever drama she had just witnessed. Charity knew that she wouldn’t need to ask.

A few seconds later, after the rest of the cafe had started talking again, Nicola turned to Charity and looked over her shoulder at Suzy and Mary.

“Can you believe they had the gall to try and talk to her, as if absolutely nothing had happened.”

Charity’s eyes widened in disbelief and it took all her willpower not to turn and glare at the two women.

“Of course,” Nicola continued, grabbing the finished drink and passing it to Charity, “Vanessa had the last word, told them they could shove their apologies where the sun doesn’t shine and to never speak to her again.”

Charity smirked, hearing those exact words in Vanessa’s voice.

That’s my girl

, she thought. Tapping her card on the reader, Charity thanked Nicola and headed for the door. Before she could leave, Mary leapt from her seat and grabbed her by the arm. Charity stared at Mary’s hand and then at Mary, eyebrow raised and lips sneering. Mary pulled her arm back.

“Sorry Charity,” she mumbled, “I just wanted to… well… are you going to see Nessie?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business is it?” Charity snapped and Mary flinched at the acidic tone.

“No, no it isn’t, but I hope you are because she really needs a friend I think. Rhona is trying to be there for her, but I think the fact she’s my daughter means Vanessa is avoiding her.”

Under any other circumstances, Charity might have found Mary’s concern for Vanessa endearing. Vanessa had talked about Mary long before the older woman had turned up at the village and how she’d been more of a mother to Vanessa than her own mum. But that’s what made this whole situation absurd.

“Maybe if you had thought about this before sleeping with her girlfriend, she wouldn’t need anyone,” Charity said, loud enough that the whole cafe turned to stare again. In her periphery, Charity watched Suzy sink even lower into her seat while Mary burst into tears. Having no sympathy at all, Charity headed out and made her way straight to the vets. 
 
At the door to the surgery, Charity paused and composed herself. Inside, she could hear Vanessa’s muffled sobs. Knocking first, she opened the door slowly and peeked her head around. Vanessa shot up from the chair she’d been sitting on and wiped her face hurriedly, but stopped when she realised who it was. Charity felt warm that Vanessa didn’t feel the need to hide with her.

“I’m fine,” she huffed, “they just caught me by surprise.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, Mary was in tears and Suzy looked like she was looking for a rock to crawl under when I left.”

Vanessa smirked and then glanced suspiciously at Charity.

“You didn’t say anything did you?”

“I wasn’t going to…” Charity said sheepishly, walking over to the desk Vanessa was sat behind and perching on the edge of it. She tried her hardest to look apologetic. “But when Mary grabbed me and tried to tell me to look after you, I may have seen red.”

Vanessa rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“I’d prepared myself for seeing them. I had it all planned out. I would just ignore them and pretend they didn’t exist and take the moral high ground. I didn’t think they’d actually try and talk to me though…”

“I think they definitely regret doing that now,” Charity assured her which earned her a small triumphant smile. Cheering Vanessa up was an art she had worked hard to perfect when they were together and she was relieved that she hadn’t forgotten.

“Listen, don’t let them think they’ve got to you. You should come to the pub tonight. I’m sure Noah would watch Johnny if Tracy can’t.”

“Oh I don’t know,” Vanessa said, shaking her head slightly. “I don’t fancy running into them again while I’m sat there being a billy no mates.”

“Well you wouldn’t be. You could ask Rhona or Paddy or Ella - and if all else fails, you can sit and keep me company all night.”

Charity just really wanted to be in the same room as Vanessa - getting to talk to her all night would just be a bonus.

“I’ll think about it,” Vanessa promised with a smile that actually reached her eyes. Charity’s breath hitched at the eye contact, reminded of the memories she had spent the morning entertaining. The urge to look at Vanessa’s mouth was overwhelming and it took all of Charity’s will power to turn away instead.

“Good. That’s good. You could save me from getting stuck with Gail all night. I should let you get to work though,” She was rambling. “But, you know, just text me if you need anything.” She was already moving towards the door.

Vanessa laughed and grabbed her arm to stop her. Charity was sure she stopped breathing at the contact. Briefly she imagined grabbing Vanessa too, imagined kissing her and then imagined Vanessa’s hand making contact with her face.

“Stop flapping,” Vanessa chastised her, “I appreciate you checking on me and I will try and take you up on your offer, I promise. Though maybe not with Rhona, she’s stuck in the middle enough as it is.”

“Well, you know you’ll always have me on your side.” Charity replied, a little more eagerly than she had intended. Vanessa didn’t seem to mind though. The small wrinkles in the corner of her eyes creased with her smile.

“Lucky me,” she said, only half sarcastically.

Charity had convinced herself that Vanessa wasn’t going to turn up when Gail and Ryan arrived to take over at 7. She’d spent the best part of the day trying not to look every single time the doors swung open, failing more often than she’d succeeded.

“What’s wrong with your face?” Ryan asked, skilled at picking up on her bad moods.

“Nothing,” she insisted, but Ryan didn’t look convinced. Still, he didn’t push her, knowing that if she wanted to talk about it, she would. Instead, he changed the subject.

“How’s Mack doing in France?”

Charity grimaced. Her husband had been sending her messages all day, documenting his first full day with his son in a very long time. She’d tried to keep up with them at first but there were only so many pictures of the same child she could comment on without repeating herself. Eventually she’d muted him.

“Oh, we bumped into Vanessa on the way here,” Gail blurted, as if she’d only just remembered and was scared she’d forget again if she didn’t tell her immediately.

“Yeah?” Charity asked, trying not to appear too eager.

“Yeah, she said she’s heading over in a bit, she just had to drop something off at Paddy’s.”

Charity felt the last bit of hope she had sink. Her shift was finished now and she had no excuse to hang around. She couldn’t help wondering if Vanessa had timed her arrival that way on purpose, hoping that Charity would have gone home by the time she arrived.

“She asked what time you finished,” Ryan added then. “Said to tell you not to go home because she needs a drinking partner.”

“Really?” Charity knew she wasn’t hiding her excitement at all. She didn’t care. “In that case Gail, we’ll have a bottle of white wine please and two large glasses.”

She could feel Ryan’s suspicious eyes on her but didn’t give him time to say anything. Instead, she headed over to an empty booth and pulled out her phone. Rolling her eyes at all the Mack notifications, she opened the camera and checked that she didn’t look like she’d just done a six hour shift behind the bar. She quickly touched up her lip gloss before Gail arrived with the wine and glasses.

“It’s so cool that you and Vanessa can be friends after everything that happened between you,” she chirped, more to herself than to Charity, wandering back to the bar before Charity could even reply. Shaking her head, she wondered not for the first time how her son put up with her. 
 
It seemed like an eternity before the doors swung open again and Vanessa peered around the door. Her eyes scanned the entire room before she stepped inside and let the door shut behind her. She hadn’t needed to worry - neither Suzy or Mary had dared show their faces at the pub while Charity was working. Mary had even purposely switched all her shifts to avoid her.

Vanessa didn’t spot her straight away and looked like she was going to give up and walk straight back out. Charity was about to leap out of her seat and wave like a crazy person to attract her attention when Ryan saved her from humiliation by pointing Vanessa in her direction. Charity wasn’t sure if it was relief or genuine happiness, but Vanessa’s face lit up when she finally spotted Charity and hurried over.

“I thought maybe you’d have to go home to see Moses, you know, with Mack being gone and all,” Vanessa explained as she shrugged off her jacket and slid into the seat opposite Charity.

Vanessa looked beautiful. She hadn’t dressed up or put on much make-up, but the flush of her cheeks and the curve of her smile distracted Charity for a moment.

“Erm, no, Ross has him tonight,” she answered, a few seconds too late. She busied herself pouring out two glasses of wine so that she didn’t have to look at Vanessa and could gather her thoughts. “So how’s the rest of your day been?”

Vanessa took the glass that Charity offered and bowed her head slightly in appreciation. She took a sip before setting the glass down and answering Charity’s question.

“Not too bad. Work was busy so I didn’t really have time to think about it all. I was worried they might be in here though.”

“Fat chance,” Charity laughed. “I think they’re scared of me.”

“My knight in shining armour,” Vanessa teased. Charity knew it was a joke but she wanted to say that it was true. That she would do anything to protect Vanessa from being hurt again.

“That’s me,” she smiled. “But don’t worry about coming here, seriously. If they did show their face, I’d just bar them.”

Vanessa shook her head but smiled. “If you barred everyone that you didn’t like, you’d go out of business in a week.”

“True,” Charity conceded. It really didn’t take much for her to dislike people. Never had. In fact, she could count the number of people she could stand being in the same room as for more than an hour on her fingers and Vanessa was definitely at the top of that list.

They slipped into an almost comfortable silence then. Almost, because Charity at least was aware that it had been years since they’d last been able to do that. Charity wracked her brain for something light and funny to say, but all she had was “I love you, please love me back again” on the tip of her tongue. Thankfully, Vanessa broke the silence.

“Did Mack get to France okay?”

Charity groaned inwardly. She did not want to talk about Mack, especially not with Vanessa. Her face must have betrayed her, as it so often did, because Vanessa reached out and placed on of her hands on Charity’s.

“Is everything okay? Chloe has let him see Reuben hasn’t she?”

Her concern for Mack was sweet given that he was half the reason her whole life had imploded four years ago.

“Oh yeah, he’s fine, it’s all fine, he’s been sending me messages and pictures all day. I’ve had to put him on mute.”

As if on cue, Charity’s phone lit up and a notification from Mack showed briefly. Vanessa looked like she might cry.

“He wants to share his happiness with you Charity, don’t take that for granted.”

Charity knew that she was thinking about Suzy’s betrayal more than Mack, but it took all of her will power not to blurt out that it was her happiness she wanted to share, not his. Instead she nodded and knocked back the rest of her wine.

The wine went straight to her head. Charity could feel her tongue loosening in her mouth, itching to say all the unspeakable truths that Charity had been trying so hard to hide. Vanessa was looking flushed too, perhaps by wine but also by emotion.

“I’m going to ask him for a divorce,” she said before she could stop herself.

Vanessa stared at her, open mouthed and wide eyed. “What? Why!?”

“I’m not in love with him. I don’t think I ever have been.” She had just enough common sense left to leave out the reason. Vanessa asked for it anyway.

“I thought you two were happy - what happened?”

Charity tried to muster up a reason that wouldn’t send Vanessa running out of the pub at eighty miles per hour.

“Therapy,” she mumbled with a shrug. “It’s impossible to work for a year on becoming more self aware and simultaneously keep living in denial.”

Vanessa was clearly confused. So confused that she was studying Charity’s face like it was a text book written in a foreign language.

“What were you in denial about?” she asked eventually.

“Loving him,” Charity answered easily, cursing the wine.

“Why would you lie to yourself about something like that?” Vanessa asked. She was like a dog with a bone whenever she sensed the full truth was being hidden from her.

Charity knew she was treading on thin ice. One wrong move and she’d be drowning. She squirmed in her seat, feeling the heat of Vanessa’s gaze on her and knowing she could never again lie to this woman.

“Because it was easier, okay. Easier to pretend I loved him than to admit that I’d destroyed everything for nothing.”

Charity felt Vanessa’s gaze leave her before she even looked up to see Vanessa’s hands covering her eyes.

“It’s been over four years Charity,” she groaned into her palms. “Are you seriously telling me that you’ve been lying to yourself for four years?” Her voice was high pitched now, punctuating her disbelief.

“Pretty much,” Charity nodded. She was finding it hard to look at Vanessa, certain that the other woman would see plainly on her face what she had so far managed not to say. She didn’t believe in god, but she prayed anyway that the truth could stay hidden between the lines for a little longer.

She should have known that she was never that lucky.

“And you’ve let him go to France without telling him any of this?” Vanessa hissed incredulously.

“He was so happy about Reuben. I just couldn’t ruin that for him,”

Vanessa was quiet for a moment, processing.

“You’re just as bad as Suzy,” she finally whispered and started to get up. “You can’t be honest, can you? You’re never going to change!”

Charity reached out and grabbed Vanessa’s wrist. Vanessa’s eyes snapped to her and the rage within them made Charity flinch.

“I am being more honest with myself now than I ever have before,” she whined. Vanessa shook her head and tugged her hand free from Charity’s grip.

“You couldn’t be honest if your life depended on it, Charity.”

The ice had given way and Charity could feel herself drowning. Vanessa was going to walk away and she had nothing left to lose.

“You want the truth?” she hissed at Vanessa’s back. It was enough to make Vanessa pause and look back. “I can’t love him because I can’t stop loving you. I never will stop loving you. I love you so much that the pain of living without you was killing me and self preservation kicked in. I had to lie to myself about Mack because it was the only way I knew how to survive losing you. Now I know better and I’m trying to do better but I am not lying anymore, not to myself and not to you.”

The words spilled out into the space between them and hung there. Some of the customers on nearby tables had gone quiet and Charity knew she was on the verge of making a scene - embarrassing herself and Vanessa. She forced herself to stop talking and waited in purgatory for Vanessa to speak.

Eventually she spoke so quietly that her lips barely moved.

“I can’t do this right now.” She turned and walked out of the doors without looking back and Charity felt as if she’d taken all the air in the room with her.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Charity sat watching the doors Vanessa had walked through for a full five minutes before she began spiralling. Feelings she hadn’t experienced in four years came flooding back, crashing into her and filling her up entirely. She gasped for air, feeling as though her lungs had shrivelled up beneath the weight of this seemingly endless grief.

She had spent a year learning to manage her triggers, rationalise the irrational, calm the chaos of her own mind. But no matter how she clawed her mind for an anchor to steady herself, she felt as if she was floating in a dark ocean with no land or ship in sight.

Slowly, she stood, forcing herself to look calm and put together so she didn’t attract the attention of her son or neighbours. All around her, friends and neighbours continued with their conversations as if Charity wasn’t drowning a few feet away from them. Their voices and laughter were like fingernails on a chalkboard, their mere presence, suffocating. She needed to find somewhere quiet.

Somehow, she made it to the toilets without drawing attention and was grateful to see them empty. Losing control, she stumbled into a cubicle and managed to lock the door with fumbling hands. Putting down the toilet lid, she sat down and threw her head between her own knees to try and calm herself down. She dragged in breath after sordid breath until she began to feel dizzy.

Eventually, the tightness in her chest eased, just enough for her to be able to regulate her breathing. As the panic slowly subsided and her body stopped trembling, she reeled in horror at the feeling of absolute emptiness that it left behind. A sickening and terrifying sense that nothing at all in the world would ever be good again.

And then, unbidden, the tears came. Her chest ached with the force of them and she wanted to scream and beat at the tiled walls around her. Somewhere, in the recesses of her mind, she knew that this was just adrenaline that needed to be released, a normal response following a panic attack, but she felt like she was coming apart at the seams.

“You idiot!” she hissed at herself, pressing her face against the cold tiles to try and shock herself into calming down. “Why did you have to open your big mouth?”

She heard a door unlatch then, but it seemed very far away. It took a moment for horrifying truth to sink in - that she hadn’t been alone in the bathroom and someone had been in the other cubicle.

Embarrassed, she forced herself to stop crying, stop breathing and hoped that whoever it was would just leave.

“Charity?”

Vanessa’s voice was soft and unsure, almost afraid, but it was also sharp enough to pierce the fragile calm that Charity had managed to claim back.

Panic rose in her throat like acid. She felt sick. She didn’t want Vanessa to see her like this, completely broken.

“Please go away Vanessa,” she whimpered, ashamed of how small and shaky her voice was.

She saw Vanessa’s feet beneath the cubicle door turn towards the door but stop and turn back.

“Are you… okay?” she asked. There’s concern in her voice and Charity hasn’t the strength or will to lie.

“No,” she gasps. “I can’t…”

She doesn’t know how to finish the sentence, how to put this all-consuming hopelessness into words. If she could look on the outside like she felt on the inside, she wouldn’t need words. People would see with their own eyes how she was drowning, suffocating, completely undone.

“Let me in,” Vanessa says, more firmly. “Let me in Charity.”

Charity reaches for the door latch but it feels like she’s pushing through freshly poured concrete. When she finds it, her hands won’t do what she tells them to do, as if they are someone else's hands and all of her nerves are connected to the wrong fingers. Eventually, she bashes her wrist at the latch and manages to move it before sliding to the floor.

Vanessa squeezes into the cubicle somehow, but Charity buries her face in her arms, not wanting to be seen in such a state.

“What’s going on Charity?” she asks, pulling Charity’s arms until Charity is forced to look at her. The anger that was in her eyes earlier has gone, replaced by something Charity hated even more - pity.

“It’s just a panic attack,” she gasped flippantly. “Please go Vanessa, I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Vanessa looks at the door as if considering it before slowly shaking her head. “Do you think you can walk?” she asks.

“Yeah, I think so,” she replies, confused. “But I’m fine, honest, you can go.”

And the anger is back.

“Will you stop telling me to leave and just let me help you Charity, please.” She looks exasperated. Like she’s talking to a small child that just won’t do as they’re told. Charity hates it but realises that the only way she’s going to get away from Vanessa is to do as she’s told.

Her legs feel like spaghetti as she tries to scramble to her feet. The fact that she can’t move without making contact with Vanessa makes it even harder, but eventually she’s upright and leaning against the cold tiles with her eyes squeezed shut.

“Right, I’m going to go and get your bag and then I’m going to walk you home.” It sounds like she’s telling herself more than Charity but Charity nods anyway. She doesn’t open her eyes until she hears Vanessa leave. As soon as she’s alone, she rushes to the sink and turns on the cold tap. Filling up her cupped hands with cold water, she splashes it against her face, over and over, until she feels a little more in control.

Risking a glance in the mirror, she quickly wishes she hadn’t. Her mascara is smudged and her face is blotchy from all the crying. She looks about ten years older and it isn’t a pretty sight. She tries to make the best of it but her hands are still all thumbs and she gives up eventually and decides to just wait for Vanessa to come back. She knows that she’s going to hate herself in the morning for letting the other woman see her so broken.

“Right, I’ve got your bag.” Vanessa is back in the doorway and watching her. Charity offers a weak smile in the mirror.

“I’m calmer now. I can get myself home you know, you don’t have to help me.”

“I know,” Vanessa agreed, her voice quiet. She walked over and placed a hand tentatively on Charity’s arm. “But I want to, so please let me.”

Charity looked at the other woman’s reflection and saw that her eyes no longer held anger or pity. If Charity could have trusted her own brain to think clearly in that moment, she could have sworn it was affection in Vanessa’s eyes. The thought alone threatened to unhinge her all over again. Shakily, she allowed herself to grab hold of Vanessa’s arm to keep her steady and together, they left the toilets and slipped out of the back door.

There were a few people in the beer garden, but not many and none of them were looking at her. Still, she tried to hold herself together and focussed on putting one foot in front of the other until they were out of sight of anyone else.

“Do you have a lot of panic attacks?” Vanessa asked, once they were alone. The street was deserted, most people at home or in the pub.

“Not as many as last year,” she admitted. She sensed Vanessa nod to herself beside her.

“I’m sorry Charity, if I caused this, I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that,”

Charity cringed. “You don’t have to apologise because I cried Vanessa, and it’s no one’s fault but mine.”

“No, I know I don’t, but I am sorry - I was in the toilets all that time thinking about what you’d said and I was going to come back and apologise when you crashed into the next cubicle.”

Charity stopped walking then and Vanesa, still hooked around her arm, stumbled backwards.

“Really?” Charity asked.

“Yeah,” Vanessa moved to stand in front of her so she could look at her. The eye contact was unnerving, not least because Charity knew how terrible she looked right then. “I still can’t talk about… about what you said. Not yet. It was a lot…”

“I know,” Charity looked away, embarrassed at the memory of her confession.

“But I shouldn’t have called you dishonest. It invalidated all the work you’ve done this year, with therapy. I dismissed your feelings because it was easier… I’m sorry.”

Charity turned back to look at Vanessa and saw that she was equally embarrassed at how she’d behaved. Somehow, it made her feel calmer, to know that she wasn’t the only one who’d been an idiot.

“Thank you,” she managed.

Vanessa smiled and looked down the street towards Jacob’s Fold. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

Vanessa walked her to the door but didn’t follow her inside. Instead, she hovered in the doorway for a moment then stepped back.

“Will you be okay?” she asked, clearly wanting to go but not wanting to leave Charity if she was going to fall apart again.

“I’ll be fine,” Charity said and she meant it. She already felt a lot better now she knew she hadn’t ruined everything. “And, I’m going to back off a bit.”

“You don’t have to,” Vanessa wrung her hands together and looked again at the doorstop, debating whether to step inside.

“Yes I do, Ness. It wasn’t fair of me to lay all that on you tonight and I want you to know that I don’t expect anything of you. You don’t owe me anything at all. I have to end things with Mack because I’m not happy but it doesn’t mean I think…”

“I know,” Vanessa interrupted her. “So you’re definitely ending things?”

“I have to. It’s not fair to him or me to pretend I’m happy.”

Vanessa nodded slowly. “You’re not like Suzy, Charity. I shouldn’t have said you were.”

“I don’t know, I wish we didn’t have anything in common at all, but we both know that’s a lie.”

“Maybe once,” Vanessa said quietly, “but not anymore.”

Charity felt a rush of gratitude for the woman in front of her then. The temptation to wrap her arms around Vanessa was almost impossible to resist. Somehow, she managed to hold back. Instead they just look at each other for a moment, and Charity felt like for the first time in a long time, they were truly seeing each other.

Eventually, awkwardly, they said their goodnights and Charity watched Vanessa walk across the street to Tug Ghyll. At the gate, she turned back and smiled at Charity, waving awkwardly. Only when Vanessa disappeared through her door did Charity close her own. Leaning back against it, she took a deep breath.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Charity had fully intended to keep her word and give Vanessa space. As if offloading all of her feelings onto the poor woman hadn’t been overwhelming enough, she’d then had a full on mental breakdown on her ex-fiance. Even feeling as fragile as she did the next morning, she knew that not giving Vanessa space could mean ruining any chance of any sort of relationship they had, even if it could only ever be friendship.

Surprisingly, when she reached for her phone on the bedside table and pulled it into the tent she’d made for herself out of the duvet, a notification from Vanessa caught her eye. Opening WhatsApp, she saw that Vanessa had left a 3 minute voice note at 8am. Almost immediately, the catastrophizing began and her stomach turned over. A small voice told her that this would be Vanessa deciding that she couldn’t cope with Charity’s drama on top of everything else, that they could never be together again and that she wanted Charity to leave her alone. The little voice was familiar, though she’d gotten so much better at ignoring it in the last year or so.

Charity didn’t realise she was biting her lip until she tasted the blood.

Taking a deep breath she hit play and closed her eyes tight.

“Hey, it’s me… which of course you would know because you just opened our chat to listen to this… nevermind… I know you said you wanted to give me space after last night and if you want to ignore this message, I’ll understand, but I’ve not slept much at all and I need to get some things off my chest.”

Charity hit pause and dragged a shaky breath into her lungs. If Vanessa wanted to get things off her chest, it probably meant she was angry and Charity couldn’t blame her for that. Bracing herself, she hit play again.

“First, I need to say sorry again. I accused you of not being able to be honest and you really proved me wrong last night, both by telling me how you really feel and then letting me help you. I really thought I knew you better than most people but I realise now that I didn’t. I barely scratched the surface. I’m sorry for not knowing what it was costing you, the price you paid to keep your head above water.”

Pause.

Charity’s throat felt swollen with emotion. She had not expected Vanessa to be the one apologising and she had not expected the other woman to see past the snot and tears to the pain underneath. The apology had stunned her but not surprised her. One of the many reasons she loved Vanessa was the fact that she had always understood Charity better than anyone, even better than her own family.

“I’m still not sure what to say about the rest. All the things you said - I appreciate you being honest about it - but I don’t know what to do with it yet. I want you to know that if you go ahead with your plan to end things with Mack that it doesn’t mean that we will get back together. I want you in my life Charity, I want you in Johnny’s life too. I just don’t know if there’s a way back for us. Anyway, I just needed you to know that before you talk to Mack. I needed you to know that there are no guarantees. Anyway, I’m worried about you after last night so if you can let me know how you are, I’d really appreciate it.”

There was a pregnant pause as if Vanessa had wanted to say something else, but instead, the voice note ended after a few seconds of silence. Charity blinked, processing Vanessa’s words. She had never really let herself believe there was a way back to Vanessa. Breaking up with Mack had never been about that. The fact that Vanessa wanted her in her life was more than she could have hoped for and if it was the only way she could have the other woman around, she would take it.

Charity thought about responding with a voice note but knew by the absence of any moisture in her mouth that her voice was going to be as fragile as the rest of her. Instead, she tapped out a text.

I’m okay - and thank you for being honest with me. I know where I stand and we are all good.

It was simple. There was more she wanted to say but she didn’t trust herself to say it right. Her entire body ached, the aftershocks of the panic attack and the tension that had gripped her so tightly. She had never known exhaustion like it. With a groan, she forced herself out of bed and headed for the shower.
 
The water was scalding hot and Charity tried to focus on that as she stood beneath the shower crying. The way it hit right between the shoulderblades, the burn and then the spreading warmth to the small of her back and then down her legs. She tried to focus on the sound of the water and the smell of conditioner in her hair and every other bit of sensory information that she could use to anchor herself to the present while her mind tried to sink deeper and deeper into the past.

A thousand unseen hands were waiting to grab at her and she could feel the stale breath of so many men on her neck.

Hot water. Splash. Warmth. Conditioner. Vanessa.

Memories of Vanessa came, soft and delicate and sweet and Charity knew if she let them in that they would ruin her in an altogether different way. Better to be ruined by Vanessa than anyone else, she thought, and allowed herself to remember.

A lazy Sunday morning with all the kids still asleep and the rare chance to shower without little hands pounding on the door. She hadn’t expected Vanessa to join her and when she’d opened the shower door, Charity had nearly jumped out of her skin. The cool air of the bathroom made her shiver and the sight of a naked Vanessa standing in front of her stole her breath.

“Thought we could do our bit for the planet and conserve some water,” she’d said with a devilish smirk on her face before placing her hands on Charity’s hips and pushing up on her toes to kiss her.

They didn’t often share showers. Aforementioned kids made such daring exploits near impossible. But that particular morning, she’d risked it just to pin Charity against the bathroom tiles and kiss her.

Between the water pouring over their faces and Vanessa’s bruising kiss, Charity had soon needed to gasp for air.

“God I love you,” she’d murmured once she’d steadied herself, staring at the woman in front of her and the way droplets of water slid down her face to her lips.

The memory didn’t stop the tears but it did banish the other memories and for that, Charity was grateful. 
 
She didn’t look at her phone again until she was downstairs, curled up on the sofa with tea and toast. Smiling, she opened another message from Vanessa.

“Can I pick Moses up from school today and have him for dinner?”

“Haven’t you got enough on your plate without adding a hyperactive Moses to your day?” she asked, adding a laughing emoji.

“He’s a great distraction! Besides, I owe you. I wouldn’t have survived the last few weeks without your help…”

“Drives you to distraction… yep… that’s accurate. But you don’t owe me anything Ness. Nothing at all.”

She didn’t just mean for the last few weeks and she knew that Vanessa would see what was written between the lines.

Three dots appeared then disappeared. Appeared again. This repeated for a few long minutes and Charity steeled herself for an essay. In the end, the message that came through was a simple

“I’ll take that as a yes. We’ll drop him off after dinner. X”

Charity wondered what exactly Vanessa had deleted.
 
After she had lined her stomach and was feeling a little more alive, she decided to stop avoiding Mack and his deluge of texts. He was worried that he hadn’t heard from her all night and had sent a dozen texts after a torrent of pictures of him and Reuben. Before she could lose her nerve, she sent a text.

Are you alone? If you are, call me

A few minutes later, her phone rang. After the unavoidable and necessary pleasantries, Charity plunged right in. No matter how she did it, he was going to be hurt and she couldn’t avoid that. It was better then, she thought, that she was honest.

“So… I’ve been doing a lot of difficult work in therapy lately and it’s made me realise a few things.”

“Yeah?” Mack asked. “What sort of things?” He had generally been very supportive of therapy, though he’d mentioned a few times that it was a waste of money now she was ‘better’. Reflecting on those comments now, she saw plainly how little Mack knew her.

“Mostly about Vanessa - our break up and why it happened.”

“What’s the point of that?” Mack said, laughter in his voice. Charity’s jaw clenched.

“The point,” she said slowly, “is that I have never actually gotten over it. I’m still as madly in love with her as I was years ago. I had just buried it deep so that I could move on.”

“That can’t be right though. You’re not the type to be in love with two people at the same time, Charity. Maybe it’s just nostalgia.”

She tried to tell herself that Mack was just in denial and not wanting to accept what she was saying, but this wasn’t the first time that he’d tried to tell her how she felt. It wasn’t the first time he’d claimed to know better than her therapist either. There had been a dozen or so offhand comments that poked fun at her going to therapy and Charity was relieved that she no longer had to keep the peace and put up with it.

“You’re right about one thing - I’m not in love with two people. I’m in love with Vanessa. Just Vanessa.”

“You’re not thinking clearly…” Charity cut him off mid-sentence.

“I swear to god, if you try and gaslight me one more time I’m going to set fire to all your shit instead delivering it to Butlers. I was trying to be kind about it Mack but clearly you’re not listening. I care about you but I don’t love you. Us? We’re done.”

Mack was silent then. Charity could hear him breathing so she knew he was still there. After a beat, a much less jovial voice answered.

“You’re actually serious aren’t you?”

“Deadly.”

“You’re actually ending our marriage for Vanessa? She’s never going to take you back Charity!”

“Probably not. But I’m not going to keep lying to you about how I feel just because I might be a bit lonely. I’ll have your things packed and ready to go before you get back.”

“What’s the point of coming back? If we’re over Charity then there is absolutely nothing left for me there. I might as well stay here with Reuben.”

She knew it was emotional blackmail and she was quickly running out of patience.

“Do what makes you happy Mack,” she said before hanging up. 
 
At eight on the dot, the front door swung open and the whirlwind that was Moses ran into the house followed by a weary looking Vanessa.

“I did warn you!” Charity laughed as Vanessa handed over Moses’ coat and school bag. The boy was already halfway upstairs.

“Oh he’s been good really - ate all his dinner and half of mine too.”

“He’s a bottomless pit that one,” Charity smirked. “Where’s Johnnybobs?”

“Oh, he fell asleep on the sofa watching cartoons like a nana,” she grinned.

“Chalk and cheese,” Charity mused thoughtfully, “but love each other to bits.”

Like us, she thought, but didn’t dare say. Glancing up, she saw the pink in Vanessa’s cheeks and wondered if she’d been thinking the same thing. Vanessa swallowed hard and cleared her throat.

“Are you feeling better then?” she asked, fiddling with the buttons on her coat to avoid making eye contact.

“I am - having the time to reset has really helped, so thank you.”

“Anytime…” Charity expected Vanessa to say goodbye then. Rush out before Charity could confess her undying love again. But instead she undid her buttons and shrugged her coat off her shoulders. She hung it up on the peg she’d always hung her coat on and Charity smiled. Their life together was muscle memory - it was just their minds that needed to catch up.

Vanessa turned and pointed at the mug of tea in Charity’s hands. “Do I get one of those?”

She’d text Tracy to say she’d be a little longer at Charity’s and asked her to get Johnny to bed. She sat down in her spot on the sofa and Charity naturally took her own, handing Vanessa the freshly made, extra milky tea as she did.

“Are you really okay, Charity?” Vanessa asked, once she’d taken a sip of her scalding hot brew and flinched.

“I’m really okay, Ness, honest. I wasn’t this morning - I had… a flashback of sorts… in the shower. But then I spoke to Mack and was honest with him about things and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.”

Vanessa’s eyes widened. “You’ve told him already? You’ve told him the marriage is over?”

Charity could tell that Vanessa was shocked, as if she hadn’t really thought Charity would do it.

“I have and I did.” She was careful not to look at Vanessa. Knew that if she did, Vanessa would see in her eyes all the unspoken words Charity refused to say.

“Well, wha… what did he say?” Vanessa stammered, putting her tea on the table and looking hard at Charity. Her gaze was uncomfortable - it poked and prodded at Charity, asking for honesty.

“At first he said I was wrong, that I didn’t feel how I felt. Then he said I was crazy and not thinking clearly. And then he threatened to stay in France because there’s no point in coming home if our marriage is over.”

“That’s manipulative,” Vanessa said sadly, and Charity knew that she had wanted to feel bad for Mack. “It must have been hard to hear, but that’s no excuse…”

“No, it isn’t,” Charity murmured quietly, risking a look at Vanessa who was staring thoughtfully into her tea. “But it’s done now. I feel as though I can finally breathe. But Vanessa…”

Vanessa looked up, brows furrowed anxiously. “Yeah?”

“You don’t need to worry, okay? I heard what you said this morning and I really do know where I stand. I’m not going to start chasing you or pressuring you. Whatever way you feel comfortable being in my life is good enough for me. More than good enough. More than what I deserve.”

Visibly relaxing, Vanessa nodded slowly and smiled. “Well that’s good. This last few weeks have been crazy but I have enjoyed having you back in my life and I don’t want that to change.”

“Then it won’t. Besides, we have a certain boys birthday to plan…”
 
They sat and made plans for an hour before Vanessa finally headed home, giddy with excitement about Moses’ birthday.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Look mum!” Moses squealed, jumping up and down in his pyjamas and pointing at the calendar.

Charity had been awake all of five minutes and hadn’t even reached the bottom of the stairs. She didn’t need to look, or be awake, to know exactly what he wanted her to look at though because they’d been doing the same thing every morning for a week.

He had already grabbed the red sharpie from the table and drawn a huge X on the 9th June to match the preceding eight numbers.

“How many days to go baba?” she asked, shuffling into the kitchen. Moses stared again at the calendar and counted.

“Three days until I’m 10!” he shouted triumphantly. “Are we having a party mum?”

“Maybe,” she teased, “it’s a surprise”.

“Mum!” Moses whined, arms folded, bottom lip stuck out for good measure.

“You’ll find out on Saturday MoMo, now go and get dressed and brush your teeth, or we’re going to be late for school.”

With a humph and a few foot stomps, Moses begrudgingly took himself back upstairs and Charity was grateful for the few minutes of peace. 
 
Pulling her phone from her dressing gown pocket, she sighed to see a dozen messages from Mack. She scrolled through her notifications without going to their chat and grasped the gist of his latest attempt to convince her that she didn’t know her own mind. In the week since she’d ended things, he’d tried every trick in the book to convince her she was wrong but she’d refused to be drawn into his games.

Instead, she opened her chat with Ness and hit call. After a few rings, Vanessa answered.

“Hey Charity… hold on… Johnny, no! You can’t wear your wellies to school, go and find your school shoes!... sorry, what’s up?”

“Hey Ness, just checking your still okay to do the school run this morning, only I have to get to Hotten and pick up the you know what.”

Vanessa wouldn’t have forgotten. Charity just wanted a reason to talk to her.

“Yeah, we’ll be round in half an hour. I’ve got the invites too…”

“Don’t forget to give them to the mums,” Charity interrupted. “Tell them not to tell the kids til Saturday or Moses will know everything by lunchtime.”

“I know Charity,” Vanessa sighed. “It was my idea you know, I haven’t got early onset dementia just yet.” She sounded exasperated, but Charity could hear her smiling through the phone.

“Just checking,” she explained, “I want it to be perfect.”

“I know you do, but remember Charity… perfect doesn’t always look the way you expect it to.”

Charity smiled, remembering the time she’d planned a family dinner for her kids after Bails was sent down. When they hadn’t arrived on time, she’d assumed they weren’t coming and thrown the lasagne that Vanessa had slaved over into the bin.

“I promise not to throw a wobbly and put the cake in the bin,” she promised, earning a laugh from Ness.

There was a moment of quiet then and Charity knew that Vanessa was remembering that day too. It hadn’t been all bad after all. That had been the day she’d told Vanessa she loved her for the first time and Vanessa had said it back.

“Anyway, I better go make sure Moses is actually getting dressed and not gone back to bed,” she said, not wanting the conversation to end awkwardly. The more time they spent together planning this party, the more they inevitably talked about the past and every time, Vanessa had looked like a deer caught in headlights. Charity had become an expert at steering conversations away from the cliff edge and back to safer ground.

“Right, yeah, of course… well, we’ll see you soon.”

The quiet moments after talking to Vanessa always made Charity’s chest ache.

The day before the big day, Vanessa took the afternoon off work to help Charity decorate the beer garden with banners and balloons.

“Straight?” Charity asked over her shoulder, holding up the unfastened end of one banner.

“Not remotely,” Vanessa laughed. Charity leaned back on the stool a little and looked again at her handiwork.

“Looks straight to me,” she said, confused.

“Oh, you were talking about the banner… yeah, that’s straight.”

Charity turned with arched eyebrow and Vanessa giggled, something she hadn’t heard in far too long. Charity tried to roll her eyes, but she couldn’t do it. Couldn’t pretend that Vanessa’s laugh wasn’t her favourite sound.

“A real comic genius, you are,” she said instead, fastening the banner in place and climbing down from the chair. “Right, what’s next?”

“We need to clear space for the animals,” Vanessa said, still smiling. “Cam is going to be here setting up at eleven.”

Moses was mad about farm animals and all animals in general so Vanessa had made some calls and found a farmer on their books that had a side-line in children’s birthday parties. It promised to be absolute chaos, but knowing that Vanessa had made it happen to see the smile on Moses’ face made the inevitable cleaning of animal dung out of her beer garden almost worth it.

They got to work, laughing as they heaved tables to the sides of the garden for a buffet area and used the bar stools to plan where each animal would go. By the time they had finished, the sun was low in the sky and bleeding oranges and reds across the grey-blue sky.

Charity looked around, desperately wishing there was something more to do, something that would mean Vanessa had to stay there longer. But there was nothing; they had thought of everything.

“It looks perfect,” Vanessa murmured, hand above her eyes to block out the sun as she gazed around at their handiwork. “He’s going to love it.”

Charity wanted to say that they made a good team, or that they could do anything when they were together. She tried to find words less likely to scare Vanessa off, but she couldn’t. Instead, she nodded and murmured her agreement. She was already starting to feel that slow sinking dread she always felt when Vanessa was about to leave.

“I suppose you have to get back for Johnny,” she said, ripping off the plaster in an attempt to save herself some of the pain.

She was surprised when Vanessa gasped in mock horror. “I do all this graft and I don’t even get a free drink?”

“Course you do,” Charity said, nudging Vanessa. “Couldn’t have got all this done without you.”

“You’re playing with fire,” Chas hissed over Charity’s shoulder as she poured Vanessa’s pint.

It was a Friday night so of course she’d got roped into helping behind the bar. Vanessa hadn’t seemed to mind, perching on a stool at the end of the bar, happy to chat between customers.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Charity muttered under her breath.

“You’re married, she’s just been cheated on - nothing good can come from this.”

“Just keep your neb out Chas, please.”

Holding her hands up, Chas left her alone to serve the next customer and Charity rejoined Vanessa at the end of the bar, who had clearly not failed to notice the exchange between her ex and Chas. Charity handed her the pint and folded her arms on the bar.

“Thanks… what’s up with Chas?”

The easy lie got stuck in Charity’s throat. “Honestly?”

Vanessa shifted uncomfortably but nodded and Charity sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers. This new habit she had formed, of being unconditionally honest with Vanessa was inevitably going to make Vanessa run. If she hadn’t already known what it was like to lose Vanessa through lies and dishonesty, she might have thought twice.

“She had some concerns about me spending a lot of time with you,” Charity admitted, looking hard at her hands. They were inches away from Vanessa’s which circled her pint glass loosely, her fingers catching the slow condensation.

“Why?” Vanessa asked quietly.

“Probably thinks I’m messing with your head after everything with Suzy and Mary,” Charity said, quietly hating herself for putting the idea in Vanessa’s head. “I’m not,” she added hastily, “but if you feel like I am, please tell me.”

For a second, when Vanessa shifted on the stool again, Charity was certain she was going to bolt.

“Well,” Vanessa said quietly, “She’s obviously wrong.”

Charity risked a glance at Vanessa then and was relieved to see that she looked completely calm.

“You’ve been honest about how you feel and you’ve never once pushed the boundaries.”

Tentatively, Vanessa let her hand move to rest on Charity’s. “I trust you Charity.”

Charity wanted to cry. The lump in her throat made her chest ache. Trust was no small thing for Vanessa, especially after everything Charity and now Suzy had put her through. To have it back was more than she’d dared hope for.

Vanessa’s hand retreated back to the pint glass and Charity felt the loss keenly.

“That means a lot.” She hoped Vanessa didn’t hear the crack in her voice.

Charity was glad when the door swung open and a dozen blokes came bustling into the pub, grateful for the distraction. Still, she was only half there as she poured pints and took payments on autopilot. Her mind was still processing the idea that Vanessa trusted her again. 
 
“You’ve got a gorgeous smile,” the man on the other side of the bar said as she handed over his pint. She hadn’t even known she’d been smiling, it was just a common side effect of spending time with Vanessa.

“Erm, thanks,” she said, feeling awkward. “That’ll be £4.50 please”

“Aw, no discount for putting a smile on your face?” His eyebrows arched suggestively and he made no secret of letting his gaze drop to her chest. The way he licked his lips made her want to be sick.

“Trust me, I was not smiling at you,” she scoffed, pulling her jacket closed. “£4.50 please”

She held her hand out for the money but instead of paying, the idiot took hold of her hand in his and tried to press his slobbery great mouth against it. Pulling her hand back before he could, she was about to tell him he was barred, when she caught sight of Vanessa in the periphery, jumping off her stool and marching over.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she asked him, elbow on the bar, pulling herself to her full height to look him in the eyes.

“What’s up love? Jealous?” The man laughed and turned back to his friends. “Got two women fighting over me here lads,” he told them. Some had the decency to look embarrassed by him, but the majority began egging him on with whoops and laughter.

“If you were the last man on earth, I still wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot barge pool,” Vanessa scoffed. “You need to learn some manners.” With that, she grabbed his pint out of his hands and threw the contents into his face.

The whole pub went quiet, including the man’s friends, as they watched and waited. Vanessa didn’t seem to care though - she didn’t even flinch as the man spat out the beer on his face and wiped at his eyes with his shirt sleeve.

“For fucks sake love, I was only being nice,” he grumbled, “don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

Vanessa’s eyes looked as if they might be about to pop out of her skull. Before she could open her mouth, Charity had legged it round the bar and was pulling her back.

“He’s not worth it babe,” she said, before turning back to the man and his mates.

“Right, drink fast fella’s, then get out.”

“No chance,” the idiot said. “I want to see the manger. She should be the one getting thrown out!” He pointed at Vanessa.

“Well, not to shatter your fragile male ego, but I am the manager and I’m also out of patience. You’re barred. Out!”

After a moment of stunned silence, he opened his mouth, clearly wanting the last word. Luckily, some of his more sensible mates jumped up and dragged him out of the pub while the rest of his friends gulped down as much of their drinks as they could before following him out. The locals in the pub cheered once they left and as if suddenly realising what she’d done, Vanessa’s cheeks turned a spectacular shade of beetroot.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled. “I don’t know what came over me.”

Vanessa’s inability to look at her made Charity think that deep down, Vanessa knew exactly what had come over her.

“Oh you probably just did what most of us wanted to do,” Charity said soothingly. “Another drink?”

Charity moved back round the bar and reached for a clean glass. Vanessa looked at her, still embarrassed and shook her head.

“No, I don’t think so. I should be getting home. I’ll see you tomorrow though, for Moses’ party.”

Charity tried to hide her disappointment with a smile as Vanessa picked up her coat and bag.

“Course, see you tomorrow then.” She watched Vanessa go and remembered the last time she’d seen that look on Vanessa’s face. It had been a few days after they’d got engaged when Cain had got drunk and tried to kiss Charity. Vanessa had marched over to him in the middle of the street and told him to keep his hands off

her

fiancé. Charity smiled at the memory - at the protectiveness and possessiveness that made her feel so much safer than any man had ever been able to do.

“Earth to Charity,” Chas said, nudging her cousin out of her daydream. “What on earth is going on between you two?” 
 
The Woolpack beer garden was absolute chaos. Charity counted a dozen kids, three sheep, two goats, a pig, two alpacas, a donkey, and a very excited birthday boy. Vanessa had arrived early as promised, but before Charity could even speak to her, the farmer had shown up with all the animals and Vanessa had disappeared to help.

It had been an hour since the party started, and Vanessa was still hovering around Cam, who had, much to Charity’s annoyance, turned out to be a woman. Not just a woman either, but a quite obviously gay woman with tattoos, piercings and an undercut. And the more Charity watched them, the more she became certain that Cam was flirting with Vanessa.

She knew that she had no right to be upset by it, but it stung. After Vanessa had stood up for her the night before, Charity had spent most of the night tossing and turning, wondering what it could mean. She hadn’t been able to stop the hope from swelling in her chest as she entertained the idea that Vanessa had been jealous and protective because she had feelings for her. So watching her laugh and joke around with Cam was more than a little painful.

“Your face will get stuck if the wind changes.” Marlon had appeared at her side, watching Rhona and Leo feeding a baby lamb on a hale bay. Charity rolled her eyes at her cousin.

“She deserves to move on, you know,” he added, kind and quiet. Charity wondered if he meant from Suzy or from her. Probably both.

“I know,” she said, tearing her gaze away from Vanessa to look her cousin in the eye. “I just don’t know how to stop loving her.”

If Marlon was surprised, he hid it well. She waited all the same for a lecture about being married and how she was supposed to be over Vanessa and in love with Mack.

Instead, he nodded. “I know.” Tentatively, he looped a lanky arm around her shoulders and squeezed. 
 
The party lasted for another two hours and Charity tried to focus only on Moses and Johnny. While Moses was hogging all the donkey rides, Johnny was keeping a safe distance from all the animals.

“Come on, Johnnybobs. How about a donkey ride?” Charity said, trying to coax him into joining in. The idea of sitting on the donkey clearly terrified him - he had always been the kid that stood back and weighed things up first. Moses was the one who dived in head first and only remembered to think things through when it was too late.

“Will you stay with me?” Johnny asked, looking up at her and grabbing hold of her hand. Charity’s heart melted a little.

“Course I will,” she said, reaching over and tousling his hair. “I’ve got you.”

She helped him up onto the donkey and squeezed his hand. “I won’t let anything bad happen, I promise,” she whispered. He was still trembling, but he smiled at her and nodded. They set off slowly, Charity keeping tight hold of the reigns as they walked along the road at the back of the pub. After a few minutes, Johnny started to laugh.

“This is actually fun,” he said, sounding surprised. “Sorry for being a scaredy cat.”

“Oh you’re not a scaredy cat Johnnybobs,” she reassured him. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

“Really?” His grin was wide and proud.

“Oh for sure. Being brave isn’t the same as not being scared you know.”

“Isn’t it?” His brows furrowed as he looked at her. They’d reached the end of the road and she was working to guide the donkey into doing a U-Turn. Once they were back on track and heading back to the pub, she smiled at him and shook his head.

“Not at all the same kiddo. Being brave is being scared to death but doing it anyway.”

He smiled softly, and Charity was sure she saw him puff up his chest proudly. By the time they got back to the pub, he had wrapped his arms around the donkey’s neck and was stroking the animal’s face. Out of the corner of her eye, Charity caught Vanessa looking at them as she helped Johnny back down off the horse, her eyes full of love and her lips curved into a doting smile.

Charity convinced herself that she was just smiling at Johnny who was running over to her now, proudly pointing back at the donkey as he asked her if she’d seen how brave he’d been.

She wrapped him in a hug and kissed his head before looking back to Charity, the same softness in her expression. Stuffing her hands into her pockets, Charity made her way over. Johnny had already wriggled free and run off to the buffet table by the time she sidled up beside Vanessa.

"Where's your friend?" she asked, hoping her jealousy didn't show.

"You mean Cam? She's helping the kids with the alpacas." Vanessa pointed to the other woman, showing Eve how to pet the animal so it wouldn't get scared. Paddy was hovering at a distance, clearly not trusting the animal around his daughter.

"She's cute," Charity said quietly.
"Who? Eve?" "No, Cam, I think she likes you."Vanessa turned to look at her, studying Charity's face. "Are you jealous Miss Dingle?" she asked, and Charity blushed. "Obviously," she muttered, scuffing her shoes against the paving stones. "And before you say it, I do know I have no right to be... you're free and single now, you can flirt with whoever you want..."She didn't dare look at Vanessa, aware that once again they were dangerously close to crossing a line. But those lines had been looking more blurred every day. Still, she expected Vanessa to make her excuses and leave. She didn't expect to feel the other woman's arm loop through her own, her hand sliding down to join Charity's in her pocket. She squeezed her hand gently and leant gently against Charity's side. Charity froze.She wanted nothing more than to slip her fingers between Vanessa's, to squeeze her hand back and slip into that easy intimacy that they had always shared. It felt like Vanessa was offering it to her, but fear of getting it wrong kept her from giving in."I don't like Cam like that," Vanessa said reassuringly. Charity couldn't deny that she was relieved to hear it, but she was confused."But you've been talking to her all day and you've been avoiding me..." she murmured, her breath catching when Vanessa threaded her fingers into hers."I know," Vanessa admitted, looking guilty. "I was avoiding you because I was afraid.""Of me?" Charity asked, horrified. "Do I scare you?" She searched Vanessa's face for any sign of fear, but Vanessa was smiling and didn't look scared at all."No Charity, I'm not scared of you... I'm scared of how I feel about you." It took a few seconds for her words to sink in, and even as they seeped beneath the surface, Charity didn't dare believe them."I don't understand..." Vanessa smiled and shook her head. "You know, before he ran off, Johnny told me what you said to him. That he was brave because he was scared but did it anyway. It made me realise that I've been such a coward.""You're not a coward," Charity insisted, still confused but feeling the need to defend the woman at her side. "Oh, I am. Because I've known since that night in the pub that I was falling back in love with you, and I've been denying it to myself for weeks."The chaos and mayhem of the beer garden suddenly faded into the background and for a split second, Vanessa was the only thing that Charity was aware of. Her words couldn't have been any clearer, but still, Charity wondered if she'd hallucinated the whole thing. "You... did you say you love me?" Her voice was tiny and unrecognisable. Vanessa was looking at her now - really looking at her. Not shrinking from the eye contact or the proximity or the intimacy, but holding her hand and looking at Charity with absolute love in her eyes. "I don't think I ever stopped loving you either," she whispered, her gaze dropping to Charity's lips and her hand tugging Charity closer. Charity's heart raced and for a split second she completely forgot how to breathe.  "Well isn't this romantic?" Mack's voice burst the bubble around them and the noise of the beer garden flooded back in.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Still reeling from Vanessa’s confession, Charity’s mind was too full of questions to register Mack’s presence or words.

Vanessa loved her. Vanessa was in love with her. A thousand possibilities she had not dared to entertain were suddenly opening up before her. Was there a way back for them?

When Vanessa’s eyes widened and she withdrew her hand from Charity’s pocket, Charity chased it, terrified that Vanessa was going to take back everything she had just said. Sensing Charity’s fear, Vanessa shook her head and gestured for Charity to turn around.

The sight of the husband she had been convinced she’d loved less than a month ago made her feel sick. It wasn’t guilt or shame that turned her stomach, but the fact that he dared be there at all, sneering at her as if she was dirt under his shoe.

“Couldn’t even do me the courtesy of a divorce before trying to bed Dr Dolittle then?” he scoffed, swaying on the spot as he tried to point at Vanessa. “And you - what? Couldn’t hang onto your own woman, so you had to just steal mine?” As he stepped closer, Charity could smell the whiskey on his breath.

Vanessa didn’t give Charity the chance to defend her. Slapping his finger from in front of her face, she stepped right up to him. Surprised, he stumbled back and nearly lost his footing.

“Firstly,” she seethed, poking him so hard in the chest that he winced, “Neither you nor I own Charity, she’s a human being, not an object. And secondly,” she prodded again, “I can’t steal something that you don’t have anymore.” With a final shove, Mack lost his balance and fell in slow motion into the bush behind him. But Vanessa wasn’t finished with him yet. “You’re an embarrassment, Mackenzie,” she hissed, “turning up plastered to a kid’s birthday party and trying to pick a fight is a low blow even for you.”

Mack was stunned, and simply sat there, in the bush, open mouthed and staring at Vanessa. Turning to Charity, Vanessa reached out to squeeze her arm. “I’ll go and make sure the kids don’t notice - get him out of here.” Charity nodded dumbly, inwardly scolding herself for even thinking that Vanessa might need someone to defend her.

Once Vanessa had steered Johnny and Moses out of sight, Charity reached down and dragged Mack to his feet.

“What on earth are you playing at?” He laughed pathetically at himself as he brushed himself down. When he finally looked at her, all the fight and bravado had gone from his eyes.

“Guess I thought if I could look you in the eye, I’d convince you that you were making a mistake,” he shrugged.

“By turning up drunk to my kid’s birthday party and insulting us? You really thought this would change my mind?” She gestured at him, dishevelled and unshaven and barely able to stand up straight. “We are done Mack. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that before you accept it.”

She was tired of it now - the same argument over and over. If she’d had any doubts about the marriage being over (and she didn’t think she ever had), his refusal to accept her honesty had lain them to rest.

“And you really think she’ll ever trust you again after what we did to her? You’ve got no chance Charity. You’re throwing away a great marriage for nothing!”

“Oh for fucks sake, Mack!” she yelled, before remembering her proximity to the party. She forced her voice down a few octaves. “Even if I had no chance with Vanessa, the fact that you’ve just called this a great marriage is exactly why this marriage has to end.”

“What? Why?”

“Because what you think makes a great marriage is a mediocre marriage at best - and for the record - Vanessa does trust me. And she loves me. It might not be enough for us to try again, but it’s enough that I can stop punishing myself with this shambles of a relationship!”

His mouth opened and closed a few times and Charity could practically see the cogs turning as he searched for a response. Her patience had run out.

“Look, your stuff is at Aaron’s. I suggest you go there and sober up and when you’re ready to talk like two adults, we can have a conversation. Just go before you ruin the rest of Moses’ day.”

“Fine, but I’m not giving up on us,” he mumbled before turning and walking away.

As Mack staggered around the corner and out of sight, Charity felt the tension dissipating from her muscles, her legs threatening to collapse beneath her. Perching on the nearby wall, she gave herself some time to collect her thoughts before heading back to the party.
 
Charity had tried desperately to pick up her conversation with Vanessa where they had left it, but every time she tried, they were interrupted. First by parents turning up to collect their kids, then by Cam needing their help to get the animals back on the trailers, and finally by Chas who demanded they put the tables back in order before leaving.

With every distraction, Charity felt more and more certain that she’d imagined Vanessa’s confession. If she hadn’t, then she was pretty sure Vanessa was already regretting her words after Mack’s performance.

“Listen,” she said, out of breath as they pushed the last picnic table back into place. “If you want to take back what you said earlier, I will completely understand.”

Vanessa’s brow crumpled in confusion as she pushed a windswept strand of hair from her eyes.

“Why would I take it back, Charity?”

Charity gestured to herself with her hands, as if it shouldn’t have required an explanation. “Because I’m a complete car crash of a human and you deserve so much more than this.”

Vanessa was quiet and in the quiet, Charity felt herself unravelling, her thoughts snowballing into catastrophe. Vanessa was quiet because she was thinking of what to say. Vanessa was careful with her words like that. Not like Charity. She was thinking of a nice way to say that they could never get back what Charity had thrown away. She couldn’t risk having her heart broken again no matter if she loved Charity or not.

Vanessa’s hands on either arm halted the fusillade of thoughts. Her grip was strong but gentle, grounding her and quieting the maddening storm in her mind.

“Look at me, Charity, please,” she whispered.

Charity didn’t want to look at her. Didn’t want to see the rejection in her eyes. But she had never been able to refuse Vanessa anything. Taking a deep breath, she schooled her features and swallowed down the panic in her throat. Forcing herself to make eye contact, Charity was immediately struck by the steadiness of Vanessa’s eyes on her, and how the blue seemed to deepen once she focussed on Charity. Charity had never felt as seen as when Vanessa looked at her like this.

“Do you know who gets to decide what I deserve?” Vanessa asked her quietly, gaze unflinching.

“You do,” Charity whispered, afraid her voice would crack if she spoke too loudly. Vanessa nodded.

“And here’s what I think I deserve…” Her hands slid from Charity’s upper arms down to Charity’s hands, sliding her fingers between Charity’s fingers, locking them together like two pieces of the same puzzle.

“I deserve to be loved fiercely and deeply by someone who protects my heart as if it were their own because it is their own. I deserve honesty and loyalty and communication so that when there is a problem, we’d face it together instead of growing apart. I deserve someone who makes me feel like I’m their world and most importantly, I deserve someone who will never knowingly or willingly hurt me.”

Vanessa’s voice began to tremble as she finished and Charity watched a veil of tears cloud her eyes. Charity wanted to say that she could be all those things for Vanessa, but it had been the last thing - the most important thing - that had struck Charity dumb. Because how could she promise not to hurt Vanessa when she had already hurt her beyond redemption?

“I know,” was all Charity could say, afraid that anything more would be the end of her. She wanted Vanessa to have all of it, even if it couldn’t be with her, even if Vanessa could never trust her to be that person again.

“I don’t think there’s a single human being alive who can do all of that stuff all of the time,” Vanessa admitted sadly. “But do you know who would never stop trying?”

Charity shook her head.

“Someone who knows what they stand to lose if they don’t.”

For a moment, it felt as though someone had hit the pause button. Vanessa’s words were like stones skipping across the water, until they lost momentum and sank beneath the surface. And at first Charity was sure she’d misheard, but one look at Vanessa and she knew she hadn’t, because Vanessa was looking at her like Charity was exactly the person she’d been describing - like she was Vanessa’s person.

“You mean…” she whispered as hope swelled and bloomed inside her chest, filling her up until she was sure she’d burst. Vanessa nodded, tears in her eyes as she let go of Charity’s hands and slid them around her waist.

“Unless you plan on hurting me of course?” Charity shook her head, her stomach turning over at the thought of it and Vanessa smiled softly,

“I would sooner die,” she breathed, bringing her own hands, trembling, to Vanessa’s face. Her fingertips grazed Vanessa’s jaw and when Vanessa leaned into her palm, Charity wanted to weep. She had longed for this moment, fantasised about it more times than she could count, but it had been four years since she’d imagined it possible. She had to ask. She had to be sure. “Ness, is this real?”

“I hope so,” Vanessa whispered, pulling Charity closer, “I love you Charity and I want this.”

Charity did weep then as she allowed her fingers to slide into Vanessa’s hair, cradling her face reverently.

“I love you too Ness, so much I feel like I’m going to burst open.”

Vanessa’s grip on her waist tightened, eyes dropping to Charity’s lips and darkening with a want that almost mirrored her own.

“Prove it.”

Charity leaned in, close enough that she felt Vanessa’s breath on her lips, slow enough to give the other woman time to break the spell and stop her. Instead, Vanessa whimpered softly at the hesitation. Charity’s heart felt like it was going to thud right through her ribs as her lips grazed Vanessa’s.

Seeming to sense her need for reassurance, Vanessa captured Charity’s bottom lip between her own, tugging gently, drawing Charity into the kiss. And finally, Charity let herself believe it, let herself give in.

And after five years of exile, Charity felt like she had finally come home.

It began tenderly, a careful reclamation of one another but the feather light kisses soon grew hungry and insatiable. Charity wished she could freeze time and stay there but it was the middle of the afternoon and they were stood in the middle of a pub beer garden that would soon start to fill with punters.

Pulling back, she dropped little kisses on Vanessa’s nose and forehead before pulling back just enough to meet her eyes. Words were not required. Charity knew just from looking at Vanessa that the kiss had sparked a similar shift in Vanessa as it had in her.

“That was…” Vanessa began but paused, unable to find the words.

“Intense?” Charity offered, and Vanessa nodded. “But what do we do now?”

Vanessa frowned, unhappy about being reminded that their reality was far more complicated than the kiss they had shared. Giving into one another had felt inevitable, but where they went from there was far more uncertain.

“You have a Mack to deal with,” Vanessa pointed out.

“And everyone will have something to say about this given how soon after your break up it is,” Charity added.

“But I don’t want to put distance between us,” Vanessa said, her bottom lip trembling. “We’ve already lost five years.”

“Me either,” Charity agreed, pulling Vanessa into her arms and pressing kisses into her hair. “I don’t want to waste another second.”

It took Moses and Johnny running out of the pub for them to finally release one another. Both boys looked grubby and sticky having just demolished one of Marlon’s sundaes each.

“Mum!” Moses yelled, running over with Johnny trailing behind. “Can Johnny sleep at ours tonight? Please?”

Both boys clasped their hands together and looked up at her with big hopeful eyes. They had clearly been practicing the routine because Johnny kept looking at Moses and then adjusting his pose accordingly.

Both women struggled to keep a straight face.

“Oh I don’t know boys, I think Charity’s had a very busy day and needs to rest. She might not have the energy for both of you…”

“Oh please Ness,” Moses pleaded, “we’ll be good I swear!”

Charity wasn’t so sure she believed her son, he was practically vibrating with excitement, no doubt riding a major sugar high. Still, she could hardly refuse him on his birthday of all days.

“I’ll tell you what boys, if Ness comes too and helps me hose you both down, I’ll consider it.”

Both boys instantly turned on the other woman, sticky hands pawing at her coat as they begged her to come back to Jacob’s Fold with them. Vanessa raised an eyebrow at Charity, clearly seeing through her very transparent attempt to get Vanessa to go home with her.

“Oh fine,” she exclaimed, finally relenting and prompting some very excited squeals from their sons. Laughing, she turned on Charity, placing a single finger on her chest.

“You are so transparent,” she said, and Charity could only shrug.

“Guilty as charged.” She raised her hands in defence, prompting a smirk from Vanessa.

As both boys tugged them towards Jacob’s Fold, Charity found herself wondering exactly how they were going to navigate this thing between them. It was too big and too familiar to be casual but everything was too messy and complicated for it to be what both women wanted it to be.

Halfway home, Vanessa slid her hand into Charity’s and squeezed, grounding her and rescuing her from herself. Charity looked down at their entwined hands and smiled. Perhaps it didn’t matter that they didn’t know what tomorrow would bring or how their pasts might complicate things. Perhaps all that mattered was the moment they were in, a moment where holding Vanessa’s hand made everything quiet and peaceful in Charity’s mind.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The sugar high lasted just long enough for the boys to eat dinner and be coerced into showering with a promise that they could watch a film in bed. Charity’s offer had earned her another smirk from Vanessa, who knew exactly why Charity was so eager to get the boys into bed early.

“I want Ness to tuck me in,” Moses had insisted as he climbed the stairs.

“And I want you to tuck me in,” Johnny added, holding onto Charity’s hand tight as they followed the birthday boy to his room.

“How about we both tuck you both in,” Vanessa suggested, bringing up the rear.

Johnny’s eyes brightened as he nodded enthusiastically, releasing Charity’s hand and racing to his bed.

As both boys dove under the covers, Charity saw Vanessa pause at the doorway to look at the room. She hadn’t been upstairs in Jacob’s Fold since she’d called it home.

“You still have his bed,” she said, smiling at the familiar Mario duvet cover and the same teddy bears he had slept with as a toddler.

“Of course I do, this never stopped being his room.” It was too dark to know for sure, but Charity could have sworn she saw Vanessa wipe away a tear as she headed to Moses’ bed.

Perching on the edge of Johnny’s bed, Charity made a big show of tucking the duvet tightly around his arms and legs.

“I can’t move!” Johnny exclaimed, giggling and wriggling until he managed to free his arms. “I’m not a burrito Charity!”  Holding his arms open wide, he waited patiently for her to hug him.

“Oh Johnnybobs, you’re the most scrumptious burrito I’ve ever seen,” she whispered softly, gathering him up into her arms and squeezing him tight. Lying back down, he peered over to Vanessa who was stroking Moses’ hair and whispering something too quietly for them to hear.

“I remember when we did this every night,” Johnny mused, eyes already heavy with sleep as the last of the sugar seemed to run out.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm, I miss us being a family,” he mumbled, burrowing deeper into his duvet and turning onto his side.

Charity ruffled his hair gently and leaned in to kiss his forehead. “You will always be my family,” she whispered, and Johnny drifted off to sleep with a big grin on his face.

Looking over at Moses and Ness, she wasn’t surprised to see that the birthday boy had also fallen asleep, and Vanessa had already crept back to the door. By the time Charity had caught up with her and closed the bedroom door, she was surprised to see Vanessa looking sadly at Charity’s bedroom door. Sensing Charity, Vanessa tried to shake off the sadness and smile. It didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“What is it?” Charity asked quietly, though she was sure she already knew the answer. “And don’t say ‘nothing’ please - you can tell me the truth.”

Vanessa shook her head, as if trying to get the images that her mind had conjured out of her head. “It’s fine, really,” she insisted, “I guess I just wish that room hadn’t changed either.”

“Me too,” Charity agreed, remembering how Noah and Sarah had gradually stripped Vanessa’s presence from the house in an effort to try and get Charity to move on. It had been awful to see the woman she loved being erased, and she had hidden a lot of things once she’d realised what the teens were doing. “Can I make you a brew before you go?” she asked, suddenly wanting to be as far away from the tainted room as possible. Nodding, Vanessa followed Charity back downstairs.

“Here it is,” Charity exclaimed triumphantly, having dug a shoebox out from the sideboard cupboard. They had decided, after two mugs of tea, to open a bottle of wine which was now half empty on the coffee table. It had given Charity the courage to tell Vanessa about the kids taking down all the photos and Charity secretly stashing a lot of things away.

Dropping back onto the sofa, Charity handed Vanessa the box.

“I had to rummage in the bin for some of this stuff,” she laughed, remembering how she had nearly fallen in trying to reach the bottom.

“You didn’t?!” Vanessa looked suspiciously at the box, suddenly afraid of what she might find.

“Don’t worry, I washed everything!”

Shaking her head and smiling, Vanessa eased open the lid of the shoebox and stared open mouthed at the contents. Among the dozens of photographs were other random things that Charity hadn’t been able to part with.

“Why this?” Vanessa asked, picking out a single stripy sock.

“I moved the bed and found it underneath,” Charity explained. “It was months after I’d put everything else in the box. I’d actually convinced myself by then that you were never coming back.” Tears began to pool in her eyes as she remembered how she had stood in the middle of her bedroom, staring at that sock for what had felt like ages. “It was like the last bit of you, and I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away.”

Sniffing the sock, Vanessa’s nostrils filled with dust, causing her to sneeze loudly. “And couldn’t bring yourself to wash it either I’m guessing?” Vanessa was trying her best not to laugh, aware that as odd as it seemed, the sock meant something to Charity.

“Yeah, well, it kind of still smelled like you… well, like your feet.” Charity flushed bright red as she realised what she was admitting to and Vanessa’s laugh burst out of her with a snort. Immediately feeling guilty, she reached out to squeeze Charity’s hand.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh,” she croaked, her voice strained by the effort of trying to contain more laughter. Putting the sock back in the box, she rummaged through the rest of the items until she came across a familiar velvet box. As she turned it over in her hands, she found she no longer wanted to laugh. “Is this…?”

Charity nodded. “I put it back in there after you sent it back.”

At first, Charity was sure Vanessa wouldn’t open it. It would be too much like Pandora’s box, she thought. Even though it felt impossible to take things slowly, Charity also didn’t want Vanessa to get so overwhelmed she changed her mind.

To her surprise, Vanessa opened the lid with a soft click and stared at the ring that she had once worn. Charity watched her carefully, noticed the corners of her mouth quiver as if unsure whether to frown or smile.

“I was so happy when you gave me this,” she whispered, running a finger over the simple but elegant diamond. “I didn’t think I’d ever take it off.”

Charity felt as if she’d been punched in the stomach. “I wish I’d never given you a reason to,” she said. Vanessa closed the lid carefully and placed it gently back amid the fragments of their shared history that had survived.

“Where do we go from here?” Vanessa asked softly, putting the shoebox in the space between them on the sofa.

Charity knew what she meant but she still hadn’t found the words for it herself - these feelings that felt old and part of her bones but were fragmented and damaged. Did they try to mend what was broken or try to start over?

“We can’t rewrite history,” she said eventually, “It all happened. We can’t shove it all in a box and pretend it didn’t.”

Vanessa nodded, looking sadly at the photos of them both. Happy photos of happy times that she didn’t want to forget or pretend didn’t happen.

“So we don’t…” she suggested. “But we do have to forgive each other, and ourselves, or this won’t work.”

Charity looked up, confusion knitting her brow. “There’s nothing for me to forgive you for Ness, it was all me, all of it.”

Vanessa shook her head vehemently and twisted herself around so that she was facing Charity, looking her dead in the eye.

“That’s not true. You had reasons for what you did, though they weren’t excuses and I had reasons for what I did, but I can’t use them as excuses either.”

“Can we maybe have this conversation in English?” Charity groaned, more confused than ever.

“I was in a dark place, after Pierce and after the cancer, and I was shutting you out Charity. Before you went and kissed Mack, we were already struggling and you know it. And that wasn’t all you.”

Frowning, Charity let Vanessa’s words process before shaking her head again.

“You want me to forgive you for finding cancer and kidnapping hard to deal with? Vanessa that’s insane.”

Vanessa nodded sadly. “No more insane than me forgiving you for struggling with real or imagined abandonment by hitting the self-destruct button. PTSD might not be cancer, but it is a condition.”

“It’s no excuse though,” Charity mumbled, looking down at her hands. She realised that she was holding onto the shame and the self-hatred tight, afraid to let it go in case she might make the same mistake again.

“I didn’t say it was an excuse,” Vanessa murmured, crooking a finger under Charity’s chin and lifting, forcing Charity to look at her. “I said it was a reason. And I forgive you. Please forgive me?”

Vanessa’s eyes brimmed with tears, and Charity realised that she needed forgiveness more than Charity needed a stick to beat herself with. Begrudgingly, she let it go for Vanessa because there was nothing she wouldn’t do for Vanessa.

“I forgive you too,” she whispered, bringing her hands to Vanessa’s face and using her thumbs to wipe away the tears that had begun to trail along her cheekbones. She felt Vanessa’s smile twitch beneath her palms.

“Then that’s where we go from here,” Vanessa whispered, leaning forwards to press her forehead against Charity’s. The closeness was intoxicating and overpowering and Charity couldn’t help the whimper of need that slipped from her mouth. Vanessa’s eyes darkened in response as she caught Charity’s lips in her own and kissed her hungrily.

Whereas their earlier kiss had been tender and tentative, this kiss was bruising and possessive. They were no longer testing the boundaries; instead they were forming new ones, carving out a space with lips and tongue that was big enough to contain all of their history. All of Charity’s senses were completely overwhelmed by Vanessa, leaving her feeling feral and out of control.

“God I love you,” she breathed when Vanessa paused her assault on Charity’s mouth to catch her breath.

“I love y-”

She didn’t have time to finish as the front door of Jacob’s Fold swung open and Noah and Sarah stumbled in from their night out at the Hide.

“Oh my god!” Sarah squealed with unrestrained delight. She began jumping up and down on the spot, hands clasped together in front of her mouth as she took in the sight of her gran making out with her ex-girlfriend.

Noah, not quite as vocal as his niece, simply stared, eyes wide before a grin spread slowly across his face.

“For real?” he asked, eyes hopeful.

Vanessa blushed and looked at Charity. “For real,” she whispered, placing one more kiss, softer this time, against Charity’s lips.