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"Ummm… How exactly do we hunt down the G-Man?" Eli Vance wondered aloud, after handing Gordon his crowbar and telling him they've got work to do. Gordon shrugged. That was the extent of his ability to express himself since he was mute.
Gordon remembered one time when the G-Man tried to put him in stasis but the Vortugaunts freed him from the G-Man's timeless pocket dimension. Maybe something like that could happen with Alyx?
After reaching the Borealis, defeating numerous Combines and blob enemies, solving some ice gun puzzles, and observing a brief cameo of principal Skinner and superintendent Chalmers, they proved themselves to have extraordinary value.
"There he is!" Eli pointed. Now he would unleash his steel vengeance.
"YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH! MY DAUGHTER IS RETGONE BECAUSE OF YOU!" Eli swung a lead pipe at the G-Man's head. Surprisingly no effect. It was as if the lead pipe was striking metal. Gordon fired his SMG, emptying round after round at the G-Man's face, with similar results as Eli's attempt to hurt him with the lead pipe. The G-Man yawned.
"You know that I can't die, right?”
[SCENE MISSING]
Eli Vance delivered the killing blow to the G-Man somehow. IDK how. Just roll with it.
“I vowed to kill you for your unforeseen consequences and I delivered!”
“DAD!” Alyx seemingly appeared out of thin air and hugged Eli tightly. “I saw you die in an alternate timeline. But then the G-Man offered to let me retroactively save your life in exchange for me being hired. Man, it was hella boring being in stasis.”
“But it’s over now, and just in time for our annual family reunion. C’mon, we gotta go!” Eli urged.
They hopped in the chopper and flew somewhere in Ravenholm and landed on a zombie infested parking lot. On one other side were several charred human corpses covered head to toe in fourth degree burns. At the end of the parking lot was some sort of giant condo. Eli ignored the zombies and knocked at the door.
“Come on in. We’ve still got plenty of food,” a random voice said from the other side of the door.
Alyx picked out some sandwich rolls, a fried chicken leg, a slice of chess pie, and a slice of scorpion pizza, sat on one of the couches and felt some sticky liquid on her leg.
“Uhh, there’s some sticky liquid on this couch. I think Imma move over.” There was something sticky on that cushion too. She tried the other couch. Every cushion on that one was also sticky. She finally found a couch with nothing sticky on it and sat down to eat her lunch.
“Oh hi Alyx. I don't think I’ve seen you since you were this little.” A white man who looked to be roughly in his 40’s said, while spacing his hands about one and a half feet apart.
“Alyx, this is JD Vance,“ Eli introduced. “My distant cousin 2.7182818284590452353602874713527 times removed.”
“Call me Jetfuel Doesntmeltsteelbeams Vance,” JD insisted. “That is my full name. Or if that’s too much of a mouthful, just call me Jetfuel.”
“Oh right,” Eli remembered.
Jetfuel continued. “Anyway I just randomly reappeared here from stasis somehow and just in time for our annual family reunion. One minute I’m U.S. president Magnusson’s righthand man doing whatever vice presidents do and then the next, time stops and I see this creepy old guy wearing a blue business suit and he sends me to a place where I’m just bored out of my skull. Also miss Alyx, you’re sitting on my son.”
Alyx got up slightly and looked underneath herself but couldn’t see anything so she sat back down.
“Um, Alyx, you’re still sitting on my son!” Jetfuel said impatiently.
“NO I’M NOT!” Alyx barked. “There was nothing under me when I got up. Nothing in between me and the seatback and cushion. Stop trolling me.” Alyx felt a slight kick. She looked down and saw that the couch had two legs, one of them malformed and much shorter than the other one so it couldn’t walk.
“Yeah, what dad said,” Alyx did a double take. The voice seemed to be coming from the couch itself. “Get off me!” Alyx bolted upward as tho a needle was suddenly pricking her backside.
“THIS COUCH IS ALIVE?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?” Alyx screamed. She inspected it more closely. It also had arms and even a head.
“So uh, what’s your name?” Alyx asked it, not able to think of any other way to start a conversation.
“My name is Arthur,“ the couch human hybrid said. “Arthur Vance. And please get me some food. I’m hella starving.”
Alyx finished the rest of her scorpion pizza (she ate standing up) and went into the kitchen to get a plate of garlic butter steak and scrambled cat eggs and delivered it to Arthur.
“Dude, what the fuck? I wanted you to get me a scorpion pizza slice and crab salad! Throw it away and start over!” Arthur said ungratefully.
“Well you didn't specify what you wanted so I just assumed,” Alyx asserted.
“THROW IT AWAY!” Arthur barked. “You should have asked me what I wanted. Have you no shred of human decency?”
“I’ll take that.” A random Vortigaunt offered. Alyx handed the Vortigaunt the plate of garlic butter and scrambled cat eggs.
“Oh hey random Vortigaunt,” Alyx greeted. “You don’t look related.”
“I’m a friend who just came with,” the Vortigaunt said.
After giving him the proper order that he requested, she decided to spark a conversation.
“So Arthur, is Jetfuel actually your dad?” Alyx felt silly talking to a couch.
“Yes he is,” Arthur confirmed.
Alyx felt even sillier for asking this next thing but she had to know.
“Is your mom a couch? Cuz I see that you're half human and half couch.”
“Affirmative,” Arthur nodded. “My dad fucks couches and eventually one of the couches that he fucked birthed me, and now here I am.”
“That’s… interesting.” Alyx recalled feeling a sticky sensation on many of the couches she tried getting comfortable on and connected the dots. Was he trying for another kid?
Her aunt Jemima, who was morbidly obese and probably weighed at least 315 lbs, walked in with a plate piled with pieces of fried chicken, fried Oreos, gyros, mac n cheese pizza, and fried headcrab. She plopped down on Arthur. A muffled scream sounded beneath her but she didn’t appear to notice.
“GET THE FUCK OFF OF ARTHUR RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!” Jetfuel was furious.
Jemima struggled to get up but was eventually successful. Arthur lay there unmoving and flattened like a pancake.
“YOU KILLED MY SON!”
“I swear, I had no idea that was your son! I thought he was a couch!” Jemima panicked.
“Because of you now I have to impregnate another couch just to have another kid because now I am childless and while I am childless I am no better than a crazy cat lady! Lose some fuckin’ weight ya fat bitch!”
Alyx got tired of listening to this altercation and decided to go outside and play Cornhole with some of her redneck relatives. There was also an above ground pool in the backyard. Some of her younger nieces and nephews were climbing the tree in the backyard, watching hummingbird hawk-moths, and picking bacon from the bacon tree. No zombies or headcrabs were getting them tonight thanks to father Grigori and his shotgun on constant border patrol.
But somewhere in the outskirts of the backyard that may or may not have been still part of the property she could hear some strange melodic sounds. Was that a Vortigaunt singing? Perhaps that same one that was singing inside that radioactive drain pipe? She decided to check it out.
She could hear the melodious voice coming from inside yet another radioactive drain pipe. In spite of that she still decided to chance it. It was still better than being back there still listening to the altercation between Jetfuel and Jemima.
“Well if it isn’t Thee Alyx Vance,” the Vortigaunt took a break from his singing. “Rumors are going around in the Vortessense that Thee Eli Vance has murdered the G-Man.”
“That is correct,” Alyx affirmed.
“You know Thee JD Vance, correct?”
“Uh yeah, he’s at our family reunion. Had no idea he was even related. Apparently he really likes couches.”
“Thee G-Man is actually Thee father of Thee JD Vance. Thee Eli Vance killed Thee JD Vance's dad but Thee JD Vance has no idea that Thee G-Man is dead. And if he ever finds out he is probably going to take his revenge and kill Thee Eli Vance. The liking couches quirk is a peculiar side effect resulting from when we restrained the G-Man’s powers with our Vortessense.”
“Why are you telling me all this?” Alyx wondered aloud.
“Because if Thee Eli Vance dies again then there will be no way to nudge the timeline to undo his death again. That is, until a replacement G-Man is born. It is possible that one of Thee JD Vance’s couch children could one day be the new G-Man but nowhere near guaranteed. He must not ever be allowed to complete any missions that seem like they could be veritable single player campaigns if this was a video game or else he’s going to figure something’s up when the G-Man isn’t there to stop time again.”
“Okay but how do I know if a G-Man is ever born?”
“You will know. When the new G-Man is born, he will be born with a suit and tie and speak with odd inflections. And when I say that bearing a child that is also a replacement G-Man is nowhere near guaranteed, I mean that it has about a 1 in 8,192 chance of happening.”
“Um, okay. I'll see what I can do,” Alyx said, not sure if she completely meant it.
When Alyx made her way back into the living room, she saw a JD Vance colored tornado surrounding the couches, with flickering still images of JD Vance on the couches with his pants down. While this was going on, Take a Slice by Glass Animals was playing on the boombox.
If this is all he’s gonna be doing, he should have no problem avoiding doing the thing that would trigger the G-Man plucking him out of the timeline if he was still alive.
“HELP ME!” A voice shouted from the rooftop.
“Holy shit, that sounds like Father Grigori!” Alyx observed.
Alyx bolted out the back door and immediately felt panic rising as multiple fast zombies were hounding on him.
“On it!” Jetfuel broke away from his tornado form, pulled out his sidearm, and fired indiscriminately at the horde of fast zombies that threatened the life of Father Grigori.
No! I can't allow him to complete his mission, whatever it is.
Alyx thought furiously. She pulled out her own sidearm.
No! He's killing all the zombies. I’d better do something.
She aimed her own pistol at Jetfuel and fired. He didn't seem to be affected in the slightest. She fired more rounds, and the bullets were hitting him but they didn't seem to have any effect.
“Damn you Source engine and your friendly fireproof properties!” Alyx cursed.
If I can't shoot him, maybe I can steal his gun.
She heard the sound of babies crying loudly.
“Oh for crying out loud!” Alyx went back in and saw something that she believed only because she was seeing it. Surely reality itself couldn't be deepfaked, right? But the reality was here to accept. The couches were giving live birth to human couch hybrids, but none of them wore professional business attire. So much for that.
“Where's dad?” One of them asked.
Alyx ignored him or her and went back outside to help contain the fast zombie invasion.
She stole Jetfuel’s gun.
“What the fuck, childless crazy robot dog lady?” Jetfuel barked angrily at her.
So anyway Alyx started blasting, one pistol in each hand, delivering headshot after headshot to the fast zombies as Father Grigori was contributing to the fast zombie massacre with his own shotgun.
“Jetfuel, you have couch babies now!” Alyx said to him as the invasion of fast zombies died down.
Hopefully he'll be too busy of a father to complete whatever mission.
“Oh sweet!” Jetfuel ejaculated. He went back in and hugged all 3 of them. “Come on yall! I have to go find president Magnusson. I suspect he's probably being taken into Nova Prospekt. He was heavily campaigning against the Combine Invasion and shit like this is why he made the U.S. Space Force. And you're all coming with. Consider this a family vacation!” He opened up the van’s rear door and pulled out 3 strollers. “Have a van full of strollers just in case of moments like this.” He put each of his couch children in a stroller and hitched them together to make a mini stroller train.
They all went through the mines that connected to Ravenholm and emerged next to a rail yard.
“Dude, Nova Prospekt has been nuked off the map, ya know. Teleporter blew up, took the entire facility with it.”
“Nuh uh. You’re a childless robot dog lady, therefore you're wrong. Nova Prospekt is still on the map and I will be proven right when we get there.”
They walked seemingly endlessly along Highway 17 when they saw a random house off the side of the road, next to a cliff jutting out over the ocean.
“Hey look. There's a house and it probably will have a sofa for you to fuck if you wanna,” Alyx pointed.
“Nah. 3 couch kids is enough. Any more would distract me from my mission, which is to rescue President Magnusson from Nova Prospekt.”
One eternity minus 1 second later they finally made it to Nova Prospekt, or what used to be Nova Prospekt.
“WOW! NO WAY!” Jetfuel’s eyes widened to the size of tractor tires and they popped out of his skull like a cartoon character. “When did this happen?! With this place in ruin that rules out president Magnusson being trapped in Nova Prospekt! Now how am I gonna prove myself of extraordinary value? Hmm. Come to think of it, I might have been in stasis during that time. Dr. Magnusson had become president of the United States, overwhelmingly defeating Kamala Harris who only won electoral votes from like 2 or 3 states all in the northeast region, and picked me as his vice president. One of the many differences from the episode 2 timeline.”
J.D. Vance’s phone rang.
“One moment please,” he said right before answering it.
“This is President Magnusson. Where the hell are you? You’re supposed to be in New York City right now aiding the resistance.” A no-nonsense voice boomed from the other end.
“We went to Nova Prospekt to see if you might have gotten captured but we see now that Nova Prospekt is completely leveled.”
“No shit Sherlock! Everybody knows that Nova Prospekt doesn’t exist! Have you been living under a rock?”
“I was in stasis. Ya know, I find it funny that the G-man put me in stasis but not you. Almost as if you didn’t prove yourself to be of extraordinary value.”
“SHUT UP COUCH FUCKER!” Magnusson shouted. “Now then, the Combine have built a new Citadel in New York City, on the former site of the Twin Towers. So we must commit another 9/11 and I need you to give me moral support. I have signed the National Defense Authorization Act to divert money to giving unlimited firearms, ammo, and Magnusson devices to the rebels for use against Combine forces. Ya know, I’m kinda wishing I’d built a wall around the whole Earth, not just on the U.S. Mexico border.”
“YES! That is how I shall prove myself of extraordinary value!” Jetfuel said a little more ecstatically than he planned. “Being in stasis is sooo much better than being vice president to a narcissistic egomaniac who constantly barks orders. I will singlehandedly implode the Citadel, much like how Six Flags Adventure imploded their Kingda Ka roller coaster. I can’t wait to commit another 9/11! Oh dear, that would sound so wrong out of context.” Alyx had no idea what 9/11 or Kingda Ka were but she knew she could not let Jetfuel prove himself of extraordinary value.
I have to keep him from taking down the NYC Citadel! But how?
Almost immediately she came up with a concept of a plan. She would borrow Gordon’s gravity gun and then sneak onto Jetfuel’s private jet back to the U.S.
“Hey Gordon, may I borrow your gravity gun? If you don’t loudly say “no” I will take it as a yes.” Gordon tried to say 'no' but he couldn’t because he was mute. So Alyx took his gravity gun.
Alyx jumped several security fences and onto the runway where JD Vance was flying to the states in his private jet. It was already starting down the runway.
“DAMN IT!” Alyx cursed. She ran after the jet but it was like a turtle running after a top fuel dragster. But then her eyes laid on something that would be just as good: a wooden palette.
Remembering the time when Gordon flung himself all over City 17, ran on foot at mach speed, surfed on wooden palettes, and imploded the Citadel a mere 40 minutes after awakening from stasis on that train car, Alyx got on the wooden palette and generated sufficient momentum to fling herself across the map, surfing across the ocean, and eventually the New York City skyline was in sight. It looked vastly different now with the Citadel taking the place of the twin towers.
“Oh good, it’s still standing. That means JD Vance didn't prove himself of extraordinary value yet."
Alyx looted a nearby furniture store with assistance from the gravity gun and placed all the couches inside the Citadel and sent a radio message to JD Vance. “Hey Jetfuel, I moved some couches inside the Citadel. If you destroy the Citadel you also destroy the couches inside.”
“NOOOO! NOT MY POTENTIAL WIVES!” He screamed. It was too late to change direction, and he was fast approaching the Citadel. Alyx used the gravity gun to punt a Magnusson device onto the private jet that Jetfuel was piloting, and fired at it with her pistol. The plane promptly exploded, ejecting Jetfuel.
“Dear God!” President Magnusson ran underneath the falling vice president and caught him in his arms. He sobbed uncontrollably. “Please don’t die! I need someone to endlessly bark orders to.” The president’s tears brought the injured Jetfuel Vance back to life.
Jetfuel went inside the Citadel and fucked all the couches inside the Citadel, and as luck would have it, one of the couch children was born wearing blue business attire and was holding a suitcase.
Jetfuel hijacked a plane and flew it into the Citadel, causing it to come tumbling down. All he could think about was how much he did not wanna be Magnusson’s vice president and how much the president reminded him of Mr. Spacely. Just before he would have succumbed to death, the new G-Man put him in stasis, and after all was said and done Jetfuel was still none the wiser about his own father being murdered by the vengeful papa wolf Eli Vance, and it would be kept a secret until the heat death of the universe.
“DADDY!” Jetfuel cheered and gave the G-Man a hug.