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"I did that because I didn't want to lose you"Why do they always end up here? He doesn't understand it anymore.He's tired. So fucking tired. "Well maybe, you just never had me"Klao's whole demeanor switches from defensive to wounded, and he loathes how well he know this mechanism.
"P'Wa..."
Looking at his boyfriend's face, it just hit him what he did. "Klao, I didn't mean -" The tremble in his voice is most likely giving away that he is affected, but Klao doesn't budge like he normally would. "You're right. Guess it's my fault"Running a hand through his hair repeatedly, he directs his gaze everywhere. Everywhere but Warich. "My fault for assuming my feelings mattered to you"That statement weighs heavily on his chest, making it hard to breathe. It feels as though his heart has to work twice as hard to keep beating."My fault for assuming I actually meant something to you""Klao -" He wants to reach out and touch him. There's nothing more he wants than to confirm the connection between them, but Klao steps back each time he approaches. "It's good to know where I stand in your life""Listen-""I get it now. You don't want to be with me. That's okay, P'Wa" At this point, Klao has already turned his back to him, and the hunched shoulders and hung head indicate to Warich that every strategy he has left will go to vain. "Sleep well"Then he's walking away from him. Then he's walked away. Then he's gone. And Warich stands there, frozen, because he's never seen this scene play out. Did that just happen? Is this the end? Did he fuck up that badly? "SHIT!" It's a really unhealthy coping mechanism, he knows. Drinking himself into a blur whenever they fight. But this is the only method he's found effective enough in drowning out the guilt and remorse. He drinks and drinks and drinks. Drinks until he's drunken himself justifiable. Until he can't remember the look in Klao's eyes, and the shaking in his voice. "do you have a brain in your head?" Great. Just the person he needed to get wind of the situation. With a deep sigh, he takes another big sip and turns to the owner of the voice. "Why are you here?"There she stands, folding her arms and piercing him with her stare.
Mary.
Sister of Klao and his twin, his own twin brother's best friend, and biggest meddler known to man. Perfect. This won't be pretty. "I give you three guesses" He rolls his eyes as he refills the glass, careful not to glare at her. "Fang called you"
"Bingo"
Of course. His brother, the golden child. Good grades, good behaviour, good relationship. He's so sick of it. "Why -""Because ever since he started dating Tan, he's become more soft. For a lot of things"She hits him over the head and grabs the bottle from his hand. Irritated, he looks up, but she simply remains unfazed, raising an eyebrow."He knows I won't coddle you"Without hesitation, she pushes him again. "Do you have a brain in your head?" Crossing her arms once more, Mary looks down on him scoldingly - and he feels like she's trying to create some metaphor."Although every person must have a brain"The volume of her voice raises quickly, and Warich looks around embarassed."Do your brain cells not work? Do you not have enough? Did you fire off the wrong neurones?" Everytime he tries to put a word in, she continues her rambling. "You really are a unique kind of stupid"She eyes him like he's an animal or something extraterrestrial she isn't familiar with."It's like a whole new scientific discovery""I really don't want to talk about it"
"I don't care"
With a dramatic roll of her eyes, she leans against the table. He's aware this is a battle he won't win, but he really does not possess the nerve to rewind what happened. Especially not to a judge like her. "You always do that. Calling Klao childish but sitting here sulking because he's hurt over what you did? Real mature, Warich"Knowing he's currently trying to ignore her, she slams her hand onto the surface, startling the guests next to them as well. "Grow the fuck up!" Incapable of truly shield himself from her accusations, he still shows more interest in the ice cubes melting away in his glass. "What the hell possessed you to say that?" It's not the first time - and it's sure as hell won't be the last - she pays him a visit to tear him down. "And don't give me the 'I was angry' 'he started' or your other typical crap!"He scoffs at her imitation of him. One thing he can't stand is people making fun of him."You demand a reason, I want to give one, you don't accept it. Case closed" "Case opened because the plaintiff's evidence and testimony do not fit the defensive's" Another punch lands on his arms, but it's nothing like the playful ones she delivered back when they first met."That's your boyfriend! Your boyfriend who previously told you he's worried about losing you!" Her strength might barely be half as much as Warich's, but he can't deny he doesn't feel it."And you say that?!" "Can you keep your voice down?"Mary grunts, and alone from that gesture he knows he just made it worse."If you want, I can yell throughout this damn bar how much of an asshole you are!" "How about I kick you out?" The bar owner finally approaches with a stern expression, and Warich is grateful he can be serious for once. "If you so much as touch me Newton, so god help me you'll be the next one"She pulls out her phone, her expression filled with Malice."Do you want Fang to come over?"Raising his hands in surrender, the person in question steps aside again. So much to friendship and loyalty. He hates the fact it works like a charm every fucking time."That's what I thought"She wraps her hands around his biceps and harshly pulls at him."Are we going to talk nicely now, Hia Wa?"Outside, behind the bar and the parking lot, it seems like she's not over it yet. A new wave of slaps rain down on him. "Asshole. Fucking moron, idiot, son of a bitch you"He grips her wrist, careful not to hurt her, but enough to intervene. "Can you stop?" "I will stop calling you an asshole if you stop behaving like one!" She frees herself and goes back to her usual pose. Now that they're alone, he sees it better. Her eyes aren't just flickering with fury for her brother - there's also a real sense of disappointment in them. He immediately looks away. "No amount of physical pain will make up the emotional pain you inflicted with that" "What do you want me to do? He left""This time, yeah. With a reason to"Her tone becomes sharper as she narrows her eyes at him."I'm not the only one at fault""Trust me, I know. He's my brother. But with him, I knew what to scold him for"She clutches his shirt into her first, but lets it rest there without shaking him, or pushing him, or doing anything. Just a reminder that she could. "You just screw up again and again and again in so many ways I don't even know how to begin"It surely would harm him less if he wasn't conscious of that. If he didn't discern that he needs to treat Klao better."And someone who isn't desperately in love with you to the point of unhealthy codependency needs to tell you that!" Releasing the fabric, she instead pokes her fingernail into his chest. "Every one of your fuck ups, he was the one to apologize for"He absolutely does not want to imagine the countless times Mary might've encountered Klao after one of their blow ups. Was he sad? Angry? Did he cry? Did he complain? Did he isolate himself? Fucking perfect. Now he's doing it."You suck at this whole thing" The most humiliating aspect of that sentence is he has no idea what he's referring to - because he's now noticing how horrible he was. Does he suck at being a boyfriend? At apologizing? At taking responsibility? "It was just -" "Do not interrupt me oh my god"He bites his lip and curses both her and himself inwardly for obeying her. But he'd rather not experience Klao's upset or resentment when he's desperately trying to prevent that - even if he might be doing a shit job. "I know you feel guilty about the whole Yotha thing. Hell, me and Fang were the first to tell you how bad that was. You know how bad it was"And once more, that's where the argument circles back to. But it can't be only that, can it? It can't be that his boyfriend might've broken up with him simply over a person he's long since moved on from. A person he never saw in the same light as Klao to begin with. "But it's been long since that. He has other people now. Get over your stupid pride for a second" He believes that when he explained it to Klao, it sounded justifiable and Klao was so understanding. Was it all lying? Has he been so far blinded by his guilt that other people view it differently to him? How he wished he'd have asked Klao about it.How he wished he'd have communicated like a fucking normal person."It's not that easy""No, it's not. But it could be"It hits him like a punch to the gut. It could be easy. If Warich wasn't so fucked up. If Warich hadn't fucked up the one good thing in his life. If Warich wasn't how he is. If Warich wasn't Warich. "I know your family history almost better than anyone. I know how much your parents have hurt you. I spent so much of my life by Fang's side"She intently studies his attitude and body language at that claim, as if daring him to renounce it. "I know you're traumatized yourself. I know you have baggage and damage and unresolved issues"Although he firmly dislikes it, Mary's tactics have always helped him see the bigger picture. Initiate the matter with empathy, following with criticism. "But that doesn't give you the right to take it out on him"Her brows raise, but it's not a sign of mockery. It's a sign of heartache. "Because you know what, Warich?" Even if her face grimaces into one of disdain, he believes he might see tears glisten in her eyes. "You're acting just like your father""Take that back!" His mood instantly sours, and he shoves her with rage, influenced by the - in his opinion - very unfair assessment. "You can't stand that, right? It's the truth""I've never -" "But you have"Her voice is dripping with pity, and he comprehends she's doing it not out of spite, but out of concern. This, however, is an enormous trigger. "Go ahead. Hit back, like you brothers always solved issues. But if you do, you know what happens"Yeah, he's well aware of it. If he touches family, he'll have Klao, Klao's brother, his own twin brother and even their younger sibling against him. And then there's no good graces left for him to say sorry. "How come he's laughing with me, but crying with you?" It's not even said with bitterness anymore. It's more like pretend confusion. As if Warich is supposed to have the answers. As if he knows."How come he's always afraid to come to you?" Each question is like a blade cutting right through him. It's piercing, it's deep. It's agonizing. "How come he always has to apologize first and you don't give a shit?"
"I care about him!"
"Yeah? You have a funny way of letting him know""You know nothing about the situation" Mary's eyes widen - not out of shock, but out of exasperation. "Hia, that excuse doesn't work on me""You need to stop acting all high and mighty just because you're biased. You both, actually you three -""Blah, blah, blah stop talking"She shushes him by laying her hand on his mouth - and pinching his nose so he actually has to shut up. It's in moments like this where he sees that she's the younger sister to two brothers. "I have this theory that a person needs to stop talking if they're A: wrong, B: Not making sense, or C: saying something unnecessary. You just hit tick on all three conditions"Removing it from his lips, she glares daggers at him after another few seconds of stillness between them.
"So?"
"You told me to stop talking"She flicks away his attempt at vindication like a bug."Please. Everybody says stop talking when they're mad"Mary rubs her forehead, then cracks her knuckles to soothe herself. The latter is a habit every sibling share. "What about Klao, huh?"He isn't certain if it's because they are siblings and he told her, or if it's correct. But listening to two people condemn him for the very same crime - it makes him nauseous. "How would you feel if you were in his position? If his ex hung around him all the time and he'd dedicate all his time and attention to him and completely disregarded your feelings on the matter?"So enraged, he'd probably break a glass. Or a bone."Not that reasonable anymore, right?" He puffs in defeat. Her and her fucking ability to see through people."You're annoying""Your face is annoying"Under other circumstances, they could laugh this off as banter. But the stakes are too high for either of them. "You've been like this since highschool, messing up person after person"She begins counting on her fingers, but her icy stare still freezes him."Stupid crushes, summer flings, one night stands"Using her other hand, she presents him her palm. "Where does Klao fit into this?" She closes it symbolically. "How do you feel about Klao?" "Klao is different"He doesn't need to rethink that. It's been plain evident to him from the moment they met. "Klao...this thing is real. Realer than anything""Then act like it!" Her frustrated tone is riling him up - he guesses he can add that to his list of flaws."It doesn't help if you say you'll change and it all stays the same"It's hypocritical at best, and toxic at worst, that he points out what Klao needs to fix - without doing anything himself."How would you feel if you lost him?""If he wouldn't freak out about everything -" "That's not what I asked you"Her bluntness used to be refreshing for him. In this instant, he wishes the sweet best friend back Fang gets."Answer my question" "Do you want to lose him?" There's a long pause after that. It's not because Warich really needs to think much, no the answer he was sure of before the question was asked. But, he never once prior to tonight considered the likelihood of that actually happening. That at one point, all those moments of separation could turn into complete separation. "I love him so much""Then fucking show it!"Hearing Mary curse is a seldom occurrence. Their mum always raised them with freedom to express their emotions, so they learnt to properly communicate and control them. Almost no profanities - Klao doesn't even use them when they fight with each other. But apparently, this makes Mary so mad she can't contain it. And that hurts him more than he'd accept."Don't just mope around telling me everything he wants to hear"She grips his shoulders and shakes him."Get your ass up and do it"Rather than focusing on the content, he's pondering whether or not she's actually this rude to Khaofang too. "You know, you and your brother can be similar"
"Don't"
If he hates one thing, it's anyone bringing Fang into the conversation. It's not even his twin's fault, he's always been the first to protect every one of his siblings. It's because he's felt inferior to him his whole life. And hearing from someone else that they might experience the same feelings, go through the same things, that would make them equals. And that would mean that they had an even playing field, and Warich just lost against him time and time."Just dealing with it differently"He isn't sure if it's the mention of Khaofang, or the fact that she's run out of insults, but Mary visibly softens just the littlest bit as she sighs heavily. "If you keep pushing away the people who care about you and love you, if you only give them blame and rejection, then"She faintly touches his arm, and the somewhat consoling gesture makes his boulder of a heart crumble. Warich is certain if it were Klao's fingers, he'd break down. "Then they'll stop. And you have to reap what you sow"Something he's unable to tolerate. Even the hypothesis of Klao not loving him? Not wanting to reconcile? Not wanting them back together? If he hadn't this much pride, he'd describe it as unbearable."You really think this is it? You think he broke up with me"As much as it pains him, he needs an outsider, someone who wasn't present, to confirm if he can count this as Klao not returning. Mary waits two seconds, obviously contemplating her next words ."I think he did the right thing in avoiding confrontation while you were desperately trying to find a conversation"She taps her temple, as if she's talking to a child. "Sounds familiar?" God, he truly sucks at this thing. "Some people are beyond saving. Some relationships are beyond saving. Some mistakes are beyond fixing"He used to get so angry at people telling him how to fix things. How to repair things.How to fix him. How to heal him.Now, he's jealous of all those who successfully healed."But nothing's beyond trying"It's strange for him to acknowledge it, but something about the fact Mary believes in them and their relationship makes him believe as well. "If you won't try it, you'll never know"After so many years of friendship, he's learnt to understand her language. That sentence translates to: why the hell are you still standing here looking stupid. "Cause sooner than later, it won't work like that anymore"It wasn't really something that popped up in his head until now. The most significant query.
How long will Warich do this and Klao will forgive him? Did he reach his limits? Is it over now?
"You can't search for forgiveness in a person who's lost everything"
"No"
"What?"
This time, Mary's bewilderment is like a prize he earned. "No. I refuse. He hasn't lost anything. We haven't lost yet"He's aware she's technically still mad at him. But he counts the subtle twitch in her mouth as a victory, nonetheless."Then I advise you get your ass up" "Is there even anything left I can do?"
"Beg"
It's not even a suggestion. It's almost resembling a demand. "You can't be serious""Do I look like I'm joking?"Warich would love nothing more than tell her to go to hell and to reject even the possibility of letting someone see him fragile. But, if he dwells on it, the benefits outweigh the cost. "Hia, as much as I'd love to grab you by the throat and dump you in front of his house to deliver the monologue of a lifetime, it doesn't work that way"He has no doubt in his mind she could - and would - actually go through with that.But he's equally positive that Klao would send him away the second he opened his mouth. Because that's not the type of boyfriend Warich is. He's not kind, and mindful, and calm. "It has to come from you"Despite the fact he'll never say it out loud, that's quite literally what he would like to be capable of doing. Walking to his door and talk it out. Even it it's not normal for him. Even if the words don't come out the way he wants to.He just wants an apology to come out at all. Because Klao deserves an apology. Klao deserves apologies. "It doesn help you, or Klao, or me if you go there and do what I tell you to do"Well, especially not if it includes the string of profanities she opened up this lecture with. "You go and do what you think you should"She tucks a strand back into her hairstyle, the fierceness fading from her in favour of sternness."Then deal with the consequences""But what if it is too late?" Without missing a beat, she replies. "Then those are your consequences" Some fraction of him hopes she would diminish his anxiety. But, he should've seen it coming. She doesn't coddle him. Never had. Never will. "I can't tell you if you fucked up everything. I can't tell you it's going to be okay""Then why are you here?" "To kick all of your asses from time to time when you're being stubborn and stupid again"She goes to ruffle his hair - which must look ridiculous since she has to stand on her tippy toes - and he wants to sob at the thought of someone not giving up on him. "That's my job" Turning on her heel - likely off to share the latest gossip with Fang and his boyfriend Tan - he calls out."Mary -" "Don't thank me yet"He's more than grateful she didn't force him to declare that phrase. The second the door opens, and their eyes meet, his stomach twists. The knot tightens as soon as his boyfriend wants to shut it again.
"Klao"
Warich has always been a bit stronger physically, and he's leaning his entire weight against it. "Klao, wait"But the person in question exhales, his gaze stuck on the space between their shoes. "Klao I need to talk to you""What is it, P'Warich?" And if that name doesn't serve as a knife to his back. "Are you here to make it official?" Honestly, he can't blame Klao for his train of thoughts. The only counterargument he has is that if he genuinely wanted to break up with him, he'd have done it already.
Not good enough. Not good at all.
But at least it's Verity. He doesn't want to break up. Ever."Don't you think you've broken my heart enough?" "I love you"He's always had a talent for making Klao speechless - in the positive and negative sense. "I'm sorry"
"What?"
The incredulous tone enhances the ache between his ribcage. However, it's also a weirdly motivating factor in his plan. Without much preamble, he falls to his knees. "I'm sorry""What are you doing?'"He doesn't even want to keep eye contact, far too ashamed - of every part. "I don't want to lose you"Trying to find something to relax his chaotic mind, he fidgets with the hem of his shirt."Truth is, I'm not a good person, am I?" There's nothing funny about it, but he has to laugh. The bitter laugh when a person finally comes to term with an ugly truth. "I hurt you instead of talking nicely"Rewinding every single argument they had, he presses pause at every point where they could've made up easily. Where they could've cleared the air - and Warich refused to let it happen."God, I can't control it. I can't stop it"He shakes his head, like that would erase everything. "I treat you wrong and then feel bad about it"Warich despises this whole situation. That he's doing this, that he has to do this, that their relationship has to be like this. "My parents fucked my head over in more than one way"Blinking furiously, his nose stings as his vision goes blurry. "And it's not... it's not a justification but it's a reason. And..."The cracking edge to his voice makes him falter. He's never felt so weak. So exposed. Normally, he has the power over stuff. There's only ever been something - someone - that can make him waver. "I'm ready to tell you everything"The last remnants of egotism and dignity are gulped down by him. There are more important things in life. "If you let me in"He makes sure to put the emphasis on the right things this time. Not on the letting him in, not on the insistence. Rather on the if part - the Choice. The free will. "I know I've accused you of not trusting me"Glued to the mat in front of him, his eyes avoid meeting Klao's gaze, too fearful to look up.At least he still has Klao standing before him, not a closed door. "And I know you trust me. At least you used to at one point. And -" Hiding his face in his hands in a last attempt to get it together and keep his composure, he notices it's futile. "I'm pathetic, honestly"In his brain, he conjures up a scenario where he lunges himself at Klao like a madmen, not loosening his grip until he's pardoned. That, however, would contradict the meaning of this course of action fully. He needs this to bring a favorable outcome."I'm much more a mess without you than I already am" If the Warich from merely a week ago could see him - he'd think of him as disgusting.But tonight's Warich knows real strength doesn't stem from concealing weaknesses - or acting like they don't even exist.Real strength stems from embracing weaknesses. And searching help to improve."I can't promise I'll change everything. I can't turn everything around. But I - I want to change something. I don't want to hurt you"It feels like everything surrounding them - time, people, even the weather - has stopped. "P'Wa, look at you"The self deprecating smile - the one that makes him and Fang appear identical - forms on his face. Klao is the only person who's ever seen it besides his family. "I know"Klao slightly crouches to grab his chin, never glancing away from Warich. "No. Look at you. You took the first step"His thumb brushes over his lower lip, and even in midst of such serious conditions, there's more affection left for Warich than apprehension. "You apologized"The small tilt of his head is still so goodman endearing to Warich, no matter what. "You're literally kneeling in my doorway"A hand finds its way to the spot under his ear. "That is change""So...can you give me another chance. Please?" "What about Yotha?"Klao rises to his feet, and Warich immediately grieves the loss of his caress. "What about him?" "What about him?" He quirks an eyebrow, his demeanor more neutral now. "This whole thing is much more complicated than you - ""I know. I know how complicated it is. I know the story"There he is again. The hot-headed, impulsive, but determined Klao. His hot-headed, impulsive, but determined Klao. "It's not about ignoring Yotha, P'Wa. It's about understanding me. You never understand me""Klao, come on -""There. You're doing it again. You really think it's a childish request I ask for a little reassurance from my own boyfriend?" Just like earlier with Mary, being informed about his wrongful behaviour makes him reconsider.Slowly, he nods. "I'll try. I swear, I'll try"
"Wow"
His boyfriend's eyes crinkle amused - and Warich suppresses the drive to cut this short and suck the air out of his lungs. "Someone should really keep calling you out on your bullshit""Yes, you should" Klao examines his face meticulously, and he isn't sure what he's searching for, but he's sure he never wants him to look away again. "One chance. Let's see where this new Warich goes""Not new. Other Warich"It's like the tension between them dissolves in the air and gets carried away by the breeze. "And does the other Warich want to get off the floor?""If the..."He cuts himself off as soon as he hears how it sounds. Another demand. Another twisting of words. Another thing he needs to change about himself."Does the other Klao forgive him?" "No"He feels the urge to cry - but he's conflicted if it's for the first time, anew, or still. "Not yet"Klao bends down to wipe the tear stains, and he closes his eyes almost reflexively - purely because he's relieved as fuck."But he's willing to give Warich the possibility to earn his forgiveness" With a gentle motion - much gentler than he's entitled to - Klao lifts them both off the ground, his hold never leaving Warich. "If he actually cares" Instantly, he nuzzles into the hug, buries himself in the crook of Klao's neck, the two of them lingering in this position. "I don't think you know how much"A whisper grazes right into his ear. "Do you want to let me know?" He doesn't hesitate to let Klao kiss him - it may have been only a few days, but he missed him. He craved him.So he's even less reluctant to let his boyfriend lead him to the bedroom.