Work Text
When I was younger I noticed this blinding light. The glow of a television screen. I found it hard to ignore. It fascinated me. I would stare and think about it for hours. And I expressed that, but I was pushed away. My parents said it was just a silly phase, my friends thought I was downright weird. So I had to hide again; keep my hair past my shoulders, let my parents dress me up in skirts and dresses and make up. I felt like a doll. I had thought I’d go back to normal, how I was before I looked into the TV. But the static still filled my ears, the light just barely out of sight. It would never truly go away. I threw a sheet over it and turned down the volume, trying my best to tune it out. But it never truly went away. It followed me, a low hum I struggled to ignore. But TVs are hard to move alone, So, I left it in the corner. Out of sight, out of mind. That’s how I grew up, in hiding.But then came college and I had to live on campus. I, foolishly, brought the TV with me. Maybe I feared that if I left it, it’d get broken. Why did I care if it broke? It’s not like I used it. Maybe it was the sentiment value, even if it was a piece of junk. Here, at college, it still sat in a corner, the sheet still dimming the screen. It only seemed to get stronger though. This time, I obeyed. I didn’t have my parents to change the channel this time, maybe I can be free. At least a little. So, I cut my hair short, wore loose and baggy clothing, told people my nickname was Isaiah. There’s still so much I’d like to do, but I felt better. I felt like me, well kind of. To everyone, I’m still some girl, still Agnes.I knew I wasn’t exactly passing, I looked more like a tomboy than an actual boy. But for now, it was enough. No one knew the truth, not even my girlfriend. Part of me was relieved she hadn’t noticed the TV in the closet, still hidden beneath the sheet. Yet, another part of me ached for her to see it. She was happy with me as a girl, so I’d be like that, for now at least. But I didn’t want to lose her. Beyond a girlfriend, she was my best friend. She’s my everything, there through and through without fail. I don’t think I could handle the loss. But, it also hurts to lie to her. I needed to tell her eventually. I couldn’t stand having my love announce me as her girlfriend all the time. Even her just calling me her “pretty girl” was enough to make me nauseous. I don’t know why I felt like this now. When others called me Agnes or referred to me as a girl, I didn’t like it but I didn’t feel as gross. Why did it bother me so much when Amelia did it? What makes her different?But here we are, me and Amelia cuddled up on my bed. A movie playing on her laptop, her head laid comfortably on my chest. My hand rested on her waist, rubbing the skin where her shirt rode up. I could feel her fingers gently tracing my figure through my hoodie. Her touch was warm, something I usually found solace in, but her hands seem to be taunting me of my truth. I wasn’t even paying attention to the movie anymore. I was too busy trying to figure out what to tell her. I stammered for a moment, like an idiot, until the words bubbled up, “Have you ever wondered if-if there was a different version of you out there? Like you but like… but a guy?”My voice was fragile, I wondered if she even heard me - part of me hoped she didn’t. But that thought was quickly shot down.“Yeah, kind of. Can’t say I dwelled on it, but seems interesting. ” Amelia smiled softly. She lifted her head to look at me. Her eyes kind as ever, she looked like she was about to fall asleep. Maybe I should wait- “Why? Have you?”“Y-yeah…”“What do you think you’d be like?”Of course she’d go and ask that. She was always a curious soul. At the moment I wish she wasn’t. But maybe this is the perfect way to lead into it. I hope.
“I think… maybe, I’d be happier…?” I muttered. My eyes avoided Amelias. I stared at the keyboard of the laptop, my hand tugging on my hoodie in a lame attempt to hide myself. “I wouldn’t feel as t-trapped.”I took a hesitant look at Amelia, somehow her eyes were even softer. Did she already connect the dots? Was she judging me? Was she planning her breakup speech? Is this the end? My thoughts were a jumble; the movie still playing, Amelia's eyes on me and my racing thoughts - I was lost.“Trapped?” She questioned. Oh, she definitely knew.“We-well, I just-…. I feel like I’m suffocating. This,” I said, my free hand gesturing to my body hidden in the large hoodie. “Feels like a cage”I tensed once Amelia traced my figure once more, her touch delicate, as if any pressure and I’ll break. “…Do you wish you were a boy?”I nodded, my gaze anywhere but hers. “I feel like I’m in someone else’s skin… I-“ I took a gasping breath, the sudden overwhelming sting of tears taking over. “I look in the mirror… it’s someone else. It’s not me.”“Isaiah…” She murmured, her arms pulling me close. My name, my proper name, coming from her mouth seemed to soothe the ache just a little.Damn me, I wasn’t supposed to cry. Yet, my hands desperately gripped at her shirt, my face shoved against her shoulder. She smelt of home, of the warm comfort that was uniquely hers. “Ami… I-I’m not- a girl.” I choked out. “I don’t want to be.”“I know.” She whispered and gave a small chuckle “I knew something was up. But I love you no matter what, y’know.”“Really?”“Mm-hm. You seemed so uncomfortable, I was worried.” She said, her hold on me seemed to tighten. I felt her fingers card through my hair, a motion that always seemed to soothe me in the worst situations. “Why did you hide?”Why did I? Especially from Amelia? I knew she’d most likely accept me, I was 98% sure. Yet, I still never said. I feel so bad for it, keeping the TV in the closet. Letting the juice run out until it broke, until my life was unbearable. I should never have doubted her. “I was scared.”Amelia pressed a kiss to my temple, as if it would fix me. Though my tears felt never ending. Just kept sobbing, Amelia keeping me grounded, until I cried all my body would let me and I was reduced to shaky breaths and whimpers. I pulled my head away from her shoulder, meeting her with teary eyes. She cupped my cheek, wiping the tears for me.“Ami..” I whispered, my voice weak and raw.“Shhh, It’s okay. My love, you never have to hide.” Her voice was smooth. It made me feel good. Her forehead pressed to mine, our eyes closed, soaking in each other's presence. “I wish you told me. I would’ve been able to help.”I shook my head, a certain tension still stuck. “I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to leave.”“Baby, you know I would never leave.” She pulled back, our eyes meeting once more. Her eyes are pure, they held no hostility. It was honest love and acceptance, how strange. “I want you to be you. I only ever want it to be you.”“This is me,” I whispered.“It is. Don’t you ever change for anyone.” She offered me a smile, one that I reciprocated. She pulled me into a kiss, the warmth of her lips against mine was everything. She whispered against my lips, the words I’d never forget. “My beautiful boyfriend… you don’t need to hide.In the corner, something glowed. It was so faint, yet so familiar. A static drowned out the movie the two of us completely forgot about. We were lost in each other's embrace. I never want to leave. I never would. Amelia, my darling, I can’t believe I hid from her. But I’m glad I told her now. She’ll never stop supporting me and I knew it. I had shown her the TV and she took off the sheet. She helped me fix the cracks and tangled wires. She let the light cover our dorm in many brilliant hues, the very same ones I saw as a child.