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Chapter 1
“I ask you how you’re doing, and I let you lie, but we don’t have to talk about it
I can walk you home and practice method acting
I’ll pretend being with you doesn’t feel like drowning
Telling you it’s nice to see how good you’re doing
knowing that it probably isn’t true”
-cool about it ~ boygenius
“How did you know you were gay?”
James was sat across from Will on the couch in Will’s flat. He had originally intended to get the train home after he and Will recorded, as usual, but due to the raging storm outside, the trains had been cancelled. And without hesitation, Will offered to let James stay at his. James had been hesitant but then again, what other choice did he have?So that’s how he ended up here, at 1 in the morning, having some pointless conversation with his best friend, some long-forgotten TV show playing on mute in the background. Just like the ‘good old days’, James thought. only without the copious amounts of alcohol.“I’m not gay, Will” James deadpanned.He was telling the truth, sort of.“Well, yeah, but you’re not straight?”James nodded“Same thing”“You can’t say that, Will!” James scolded, but he couldn’t help saying it through a smile.Will threw his hands up in mock surrender. “You know what I mean though,” And James could’ve sword he heard him mutter “fuckin’ woke nonsense” under his breath.James sighed, his focus shifting back to the original question, deciding whether to unpack essentially his life story, or just give a short, somewhat generic response. He decided on the latter.“I don’t know, I guess I’ve always sort of known”He looked down, playing with the strings of his hoodie, avoiding eye contact. He could feel Will’s stare on him and shifted under his gaze. “I just never actually confronted it, or did anything about it, ‘cause I was scared. Until a couple years ago, when I just decided ‘fuck it, who cares?’ and properly figured things out. Coincidentally, that’s about when I started to actually enjoy life”James smiled. Will didn’t.They were both quiet for a moment, “Why do you ask?” James enquired.“No reason” Will responded quickly “Just being a supportive bestie and all that.” He said, playfully elbowing James in the side. He met Will’s eyes and forced an exhale that somewhat resembled a laugh, but he didn’t miss the split second of panic that crossed Will’s face after James asked that question, before masking it with a quick quip and a jab in the ribs.But James didn’t push it, and they continued chatting about various inconsequential topics, and suddenly another hour had passed. James never seemed to feel the time passing when he was with Will. He’s always had that kind of effect on him.“Are you seeing anyone then, dating wise?” Will asked calmly. An innocent question, a normal thing to ask your friend, with no hidden undertones. Or at least that’s what he was telling himself.“Eh, no, not really” answered James “haven’t really been looking that much if I’m honest, you?”“Yeah, no, me neither” it was Will’s turn to avoid eye contact now, fidgeting with one of his silver rings “Kind of taking a break from that whole thing” he said with a vague hand gesture, “It’ll happen when it happens, I suppose.”“Exactly, when you least expect it” James recited, he had been told that so many times that it’s started to lose its effect. He’s been ‘not expecting it’ for at least 2 years now, and yet nothing’s changed.Will nodded, then turned to him with a mischievous smirk, “D’you like anyone though?”James scoffed “Christ, I feel like I’m back in primary school” he shuddered at the memory.Will giggled, “Do you though?” He always seemed to enjoy getting on James’ nerves.James sighed contemplating his next move. “No” he muttered, voice barely above a whisper.“If you’re gonna lie, at least try and make it believable.”James didn’t feel good about lying, he’d like to think of himself as an honest person, but sometimes, it was easier than telling the truth, for both of them.Still, he sometimes felt as if he wasn’t in control of what he was saying, like the words would just pour out before his mind could catch up.“Okay, hypothetically, if I did ‘like’ someone, I definitely wouldn’t be telling you, first of all, and it’s never going to happen anyway, so…” His voice trailed off at the end, any remnants of the façade he was putting on quickly crumbling away.“Eh, never say never mate” Will said encouragingly“I’m saying never. Right now.Will sighed, “Suit yourself”Silence enveloped the room once more. They weren’t exactly mad at each other, but they both knew they were keeping something from the other, but where to begin?Will suddenly turned to face James, his tone shifting.“Is there something going on with you lately, lad?”“No, why do you ask?” James answered, perhaps a bit too quickly.“Just a feeling, I suppose” he paused, “You know you can like, talk to me, right?”“Yeah, yeah, of course” James smiled, attempting to brush him off, but Will seemed to be waiting expectantly for him to continue.James lent back to rest his head on the back of the sofa, staring at each crack in the ceiling individually, praying they’d somehow save him from this conversation.“I mean, I gue-” James started.Suddenly, a loud buzzing cut through the air, followed by a familiar song that Will recognised as James’ ringtone.James jumped, but glad of an escape, fumbled for his phone.Will caught a glimpse of the name flashing on the screen and assumed it was one of his bandmates, but God knows why they’d be calling so late.“Hello?” James quickly stood and walked to the other room, until Will could barely hear his voice, and the silence crept into the room againSo close. He was so close to finally getting James to open up, and finally solving whatever has been pushing them apart.He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but he heard James’ muffled voice wrapping up his conversation through the wall, and all of a sudden, he appeared in the doorway, phone in hand, eyes fixed on the floor.James was the first to break the silence “I think I’ll probably head to bed now uh-” He murmured, still staring at his boots. “I’m pretty tired and I have stuff to uh- stuff to do tomorrow, y’know?”“Yeah, ‘course, see you in the morning then?”“Yeah, thanks for letting me stay by the way,” he took a breath as if he was about to continue, but simply bit his lip and disappeared into the other room.Will could’ve sworn he heard him sniffle back tears as he left.
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Chapter 2
“What do you do with a loving feeling
if the loving feeling leaves you all alone?
What do you do with a loving feeling
if they only love you when you’re all alone?”
-a loving feeling - mitski
A week later, they were both stood in James’ kitchen, facing the camera, an array of sweets and other snacks that neither of them recognised were spread in front of them. The conversation from the previous week was seemingly forgotten, and they were almost back to their normal dynamic. Almost.James watched as Will spoke to the camera about whatever food item he was holding. He was careful not to stare for too long, remembering all the fan edits that he saw last time, clips of him staring -maybe a bit too lovingly- at Will, with cheesy love songs in the background and captions like ‘the look of love’. He smiled at the ridiculousness of it all.He snapped out of his trance just in time to quickly come up with one of his trademark gay jokes, and walked off screen in shame as Will scolded him for it.“They’ll clip it, James! They’ll use that!”“People are now actually starting to think we’re secretly in a relationship, have you noticed that?”“Yes” Will answered, sounding agitated. James knew it was all a bit, all a joke for the cameras, the viewers would love it after all- but he couldn’t help the pang of hurt in his stomach when Will acted so disgusted at the idea of them being together, Like that’s the most preposterous idea he could ever suggest. Maybe it was.But James quickly masked the hurt on his face, and they continued their pointless quest of trying various snacks that were supposed to be from Germany, but James wasn’t actually so sure. And as much as he tried to avoid it, they found themselves on the same topic again.“Have you seen people have been editing a clip of us from my last video, where it looks like I’m in love with you?”“Yeah, what was tha- what was going on there? Is everything alright?”“I was just smiling at you, I- I just enjoyed your presence”“Right” Will’s eyes lingered on James’ for a moment longer, as if he was trying to see through him, through the exaggerated personality he put on for the camera, to figure out what he was really thinking.They both stood in silence for another few seconds, neither of them sure if the other had any more to say, until Will quietly muttered “D’you wanna do the next one?” Nodding to the pile of snacks next to them. James scurried over and started rooting through the assortment of sweets, and that was that. He silently reminded himself to cut that from the final edit, if his editor didn’t think to do so. He didn’t need to give the fanfiction writers any more material.The next hour passed without any major problems, (aside from Will spilling sweets all over James’ kitchen), their usual banter seemed to flow like normal, and James was decently happy with the recording. He had just begun packing away his camera and equipment, half-thinking of new video ideas when he heard a voice behind him.“Do you need a hand?” Will offered, making James jump, almost forgetting the other man was there entirely.“Nah, it’s fi-” James began, but looked up to see Will already crouching down to pick up the discarded sweet wrappers and other rubbish from the kitchen tiles.“Honestly, don’t worry about it, Will”“It’s fine, lad” Will insisted “I’m the one who made most of this mess anyway”James couldn’t exactly disagree with that, so he stayed quiet. He recalled all the times he smashed things around Will’s studio for videos, and left in a rush to catch his train, without helping clean up. Will had always been the better friend than James, he’d never admit it though.A wave of guilt suddenly crashed over him, and he immediately snapped out of his own thoughts to bend down and start gathering wrappers off the floor.As if reading his mind, Will teased “Maybe I’ll set a good example and you might start cleaning up after yourself in the studio” He flashed James a grin that made his heart rate double and resumed the task at hand. “Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking, you’re far too much of a princess for that”James managed to muster a quick scoff, silently praying Will didn’t catch the way his cheeks heated up at the comment, and they continued cleaning in silence until they were down to the last remaining sweet lying on the floor. They both reached for it at the same time, and James felt Will’s hand brush against his. A simple gesture, so why did his breath catch in his throat, and his skin feel as if it was on fire?Will didn’t seem to notice anything, and they both stood up. James leaning against the counter and Will making his way towards the bin.“D’you fancy a coffee?” James called over his shoulder.“I would but I probably have to get going” he shot James an apologetic glance “They need me in the office later. This was supposed to be my day off, but apparently they’re incapable of doing anything themselves over there” He sighed while shrugging on his jacket, and James tried to mask the hurt on his face.Will made his way to the door but hesitated before walking through it, instead he leaned against its frame and began fidgeting with the zip on his jacket. James hovered beside him.“You sure you can’t stay?”“Nah, I would if I could, like, I’m not just trying to get away from you or anything”James hummed in acknowledgement “We filming next week?”“Yep, Friday, as usual, try not to miss me too much until then” Will smiled, recalling the comments James had made during their recording, practically forcing him to admit he’d missed James too.Will exhaled sharply, “Are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me? Anything at all?”James felt the tone suddenly shift and was overcome with a feeling of panic, like he needed to get out of this conversation before things turned south.“No, honestly, it’s fine, I’m fine.”Will huffed in resignation, “We’ve been friends for what? Seven years almost? I can tell when something’s different with you, James”
Too late.
“I hate that word” James muttered under his breath, barely loud enough for Will to hear.“What, different?”“No, dipshit, friends!”“…oh”No matter how many times James replayed this conversation, repeating every word over and over like a mantra, he simply couldn’t come up with a single logical reason for what he did next. He felt as if he was continuously rewinding a movie, one of those movies where you’re yelling at your screen, pleading with the main character to not do whatever they’re about to do, all too aware that you can’t change the outcome, all you can do is sit and watch helplessly as their whole world comes crashing down around them.But before he had a chance to even consider any of that, consider any of the consequences of his own actions, he felt himself leaning closer to Will, and ignoring all the voices in his head screaming at him to stop, Will’s lips were on his.Saying that he felt fireworks explode in his stomach would be an understatement, he more felt as if he was on fire, in the best way possible. He recalled the feeling when their hands touched not five minutes ago, it was that, only amplified by about ten thousand. No drug on the planet could hold a flame to the high he was experiencing right now. He tried not to think about the inevitable comedown.Any shred of the nerves that once fluttered around in his stomach melted away, and were replaced with an unfamiliar warmth swirling in his gut. He was taken aback by how right this all felt. Will’s lips against his, Will’s hand moving up to the back of his neck, Will.They seemed to exist in their own little bubble for a few short seconds, after a moment of apprehension, Will seemed to melt into their kiss. ‘Maybe he feels the same’, ‘maybe i didn’t fuck everything up completely’ were some of the only comprehensible thoughts running through James’ mind.But it didn’t last long, as before James could come to his senses, it suddenly seemed to dawn on Will what was actually going on, and before James could even register what had happened, Will had pulled away from him, grabbed his bag and was out the door.James willed his legs to move, chase after Will and try to frantically apologise, maybe he could convince him that it was just a lapse in judgement, simply an idiotic mistake, and they could make an attempt to go back to normal, and forget about all this.But all he could think of was the expression on Will’s face. The moment after. The look of half-fear, half-disgust was burned into James’ memory, keeping him rooted to the spot, preventing him from doing anything besides standing at the door of his apartment like the fool Will must think he is.The harsh slam of the door still reverberated around James’ flat, the familiar silence of the empty apartment began to set in once again. The air was so thick you could’ve heard a pin drop.Or in this case, you probably could’ve heard James’ heart shattering in his chest.
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Chapter 3
All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless FebruaryI took the miracle move-on-drug, the effects were temporaryI love you, it’s ruining my lifeI touched you for only a fortnight 2 weeks.That’s how long it had been since the last ‘Will and Jim’ recording. To any outsider, that probably doesn’t seem like a long time, but for James, it had been the longest fortnight of his life.Recently, James had been attempting to schedule more recordings in his own flat, more excuses for Will to come down to Brighton, so they usually wouldn’t go longer than four or five days without seeing each other.And sure, they had gone longer without recording, but those times, James had been on tour, or had some kind of distraction. Or at least, any time Will had been away, they’d still spoken to each other.And although he’d never admit it, James would be counting down the days until he’d see him again.This was the longest they’d gone without speaking since they first met. But who’s counting?James had tried to distract himself. Tried to throw himself headfirst into his music, his YouTube videos, anything really, but nothing seemed to help.Any lyrics he’d written as of late all revolved around the same theme, unrequited love. He found himself losing interest in filming, and instead just sat and scrolled through the comment sections of Will’s recent videos, flicking past hundreds of clueless fans all wondering where ‘Will and Jim’ had disappeared to.James was asking himself the same question.To put it simply, James was lost. Completely and utterly lost without Will. He cursed his brain for finding a way to relate every little thing he did back to him. Every song he heard, every coffee he bought, it was all one painful reminder of his stupidity.He spent most of his time thinking, though. Wondering about Will. Did he miss him nearly as much? Was he constantly thinking of him too? Or was he glad to finally he rid of him?He tried not to let himself dwell on that last one too much.-Despite James’ beliefs, Will wasn’t faring much better. Truthfully, he had been worried sick about James, as well as drowning in his own self-hatred. He couldn’t believe how immaturely he had acted the last time they saw each other. What kind of ‘best friend’ would storm out and slam the door in the other’s face like a spoiled toddler after being told no, and then proceed to ignore them for two weeks?That’s not to say Will hadn’t considered reaching out, he had. His finger had hovered over the ‘call back’ button an embarrassing number of times, but he never got the nerve to press it.James probably didn’t want to hear from him anyway (or at least that’s what he’d been telling himself) He had seemingly given up trying to reach him in the days following, but who could blame him, considering he wasn’t getting an answer?
“Will?”
Will’s head snapped up to see Ieuan looking expectantly at him.“Hm?”Ieuan and Orla exchanged a look that Will wasn’t entirely sure the intent behind. Ieuan sighed, “I just asked when we could get James in for another recording?”Will’s gaze dropped immediately back to his lap, suddenly engrossed in the pen he was twirling between his fingers.“I don’t know if you’ve seen but our views have kinda been dropping recently, and I know you hate to admit it, but we really do need him back soon.”“Yeah, sure, soon probably, I don’t know” Was the sentence Will tried to say, but it more came out as a slew of all those words combined. He couldn’t help but imagine the way James would’ve mocked him for it.“Do you want me to message him now for you…?” Orla chimed in“No! I mean, no it’s fine, I’ll do it later, probably”“Right, well, Ieuan and I better be off, I’ll see you and James here next week, okay? I’m not sure what’s going on with you two, but you need to get it sorted”“Yep, got it”And with that, Orla and Ieuan disappeared out the door, and Will was left staring at the empty black chair beside him, wondering how the fuck would he get out of this one?He somehow mustered the willpower to pull himself up from his chair and out the door. He fumbled with his keys for a few moments before finally locking the door and spun around to be greeted by someone standing directly behind him. He jolted backwards, banging his head off the door frame in the process.“Shit!”“Mind your head there, mate!” chirped an overly enthusiastic George Clarke.“Yeah, cheers, bit late for that” Will didn’t meet his eyes and turned to head down the stairs, catching George jogging after him in his peripheral vision. He turned his head to face him properly.“What are you even doing here? You scared the shite out of me”“Video for Chris’ channel, but it’s pissing buckets outside so filming was cut short. Bit like Chris I suppose” George giggled at his own joke. Will didn’t.“What’s got you so gloomy?” George mock-pouted at him. Will’s patience rapidly draining.He liked George, but God he could be a headache when you’re not in the mood. That thought reminded Will of a certain other man he knew.“I’m always gloomy” Will deflected.George was silent for a beat.“Where’s James?”Will sighed “I dunno, why does everyone keep asking me that? Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean I have to know what he’s doing at all ti-”“Alright! Alright!” George cut his tangent short. “Just haven’t seen him ‘round here in a bit, that’s all”Will didn’t answer, hoping George would take the hint. He didn’t, of course.“And I just presumed that was connected to your gloominess”“Well, you presumed wrong”“I’m never wrong”Will looked up to meet George’s eyes, his ever-present shit-eating grin as prominent as ever. Is he ever not smiling? Will thought to himself.In theory, he absolutely did not want to give George the satisfaction of being right, of being able to read Will like a book. But he would normally talk to James about this sort of thing, and that was obviously out of the question.His options were limited, and George was the only person who had actually bothered to ask him about the dark cloud hanging over his head the past couple of weeks, so really, he had no choice.“Can- can I tell you something?”“I knew it!”“Ugh, nevermind” This was a mistake. Will began walking down the corridor again, but he felt George’s hand on his shoulder, dragging him to a halt.“No, no, I’ll lock in for this I swear!” George attempted to do a serious face for all of five seconds, before bursting into another fit of giggles.“Right, okay, so you can’t tell anyone this but, uhm-”George tilted his head slightly, like a dog after hearing the word ‘walk.’ Genuine concern glimmered in his wide brown eyes.“It’s James. He said- well- he kissed me, the other day, and uh-”George’s eyes widened slightly.“And I think he likes me, like, he wants to be with me.”George seemed to be waiting for Will to continue, and looked slightly confused when he realised it wasn’t going to happen.“Well, I could’ve told you that.”“What?”“It’s pretty obvious, like, not many people would travel up from Brighton once a week -if not more, to film for a channel that isn’t even theirs, and he’s buzzin’ about it every single week. I thought you guys were already a thing to be honest, I owe Chris twenty pound now.”The last part was muttered under his breath, and Will’s mind was racing a mile a minute, far too quick to register George and Chris betting on his relationship status.“James is just like that though” Will retorted, more trying to convince himself rather than George. “He’s always practically bouncing off the fuckin’ walls with energy, that doesn’t mean anything!” He realised he had started shouting at the end and quickly surveyed the hallway to make sure they were still alone.“Will, he’s excited because he’s with you, you should see him, he’s like a little girl with a crush. But I suppose you’re not too different, blushing and giggling at whatever comes out of his mouth. Not to mention the fact that neither of you can keep your eyes off each other for more than five seconds”Will felt his cheeks heat up, a clear indication that George was right, but he wasn’t ready to admit that yet. “Whatever, none of that even matters anymore. The point is, I acted like a total twat and now he probably never wants to see me again.”His voice broke on the last syllable, which only made him more embarrassed. God, he’s an emotional mess. He’s crying in front of George fucking Clarke for Christ’s sake.“Alright, slow down mate, what did you actually do? I’m sure it’s not that detrimental that it’d ruin five years of friendship?”“I just-” Will began, exhaling slightly. “I just left, like, I just walked out of his flat. Like a coward. And I’ve been ignoring his calls since” He might as well come clean about everything.George whistled in exasperation. “Christ, you are a bit of a twat.”“Not funny.”“I’m serious, I mean, how do you expect him to want to talk to you if you’re ignoring him?”“Ugh, fuck.” Will put his head in his hands and groaned. “I’ve fucked everything haven’t I?”“Well, have you tried calling him back?”“What would I even say?”“Just tell him how you feel! What’s the worst that could happen?”“I don’t even know how I feel!” Will uncovered his face from his hands, looking up at George with an exasperated expression.“Oh for God’s sake, just tell him you love him already!”“I’m not in love with him!”If Will knew one thing about himself, it’s that he’s not a good liar. And that fact is becoming even more apparent with the way George is staring at him.“I’m not in love with him…” Will said it a second time, voice much quieter, barely audible.“…I think I might be in love with him, George”“There we go, see, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”In the back of his mind, Will knew it. And he had known it for long time. But somehow, speaking it out loud for the first time made it feel all too real. he felt the colour rapidly drain from his face at the realisation that oh fuck, he had to tell James that he was in love with him.“I can’t do this, George.”Before George could respond, they both jumped at the sound of Chris’ voice echoing down the hall.“George?! What are you doing? God you’re like a dog. I’ll have to tie you up on a leash to stop you running off again”“Ooh, yes please!” George shouted back with a grin. He then turned back to Will apologetically and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.“Right, well, I better get back to Chris before he actually does make me wear a bell, but I’ll talk to you again soon, yeah?”He didn’t wait for a response before moving to jog back up the stairs “Ring him back, won’t you?” the longer you leave it the harder it’ll get!” He called over his shoulder.Will merely grunted in response, shoving his Airpods in his ears and setting off out the door.He shoved his phone back into his pocket after hitting shuffle on one of his playlists, it took him a few moments to recognise the song that started playing.
“I don’t find you funny, but I gotta come clean”
Christs’ sake. Of course the first song his stupid phone decides to play is by the one person he’s desperately trying to forget about out.Oh well, it’s too much bother to skip it now.
“To miss you is not an admission, it’s just a withdrawal, so miss me with your conditions, I’m ignoring your calls, they would just go over my head.”
Sometimes Will is convinced that the world is against him.Listening to James’ voice in his ears, singing lyrics that may as well have been pulled out of his own brain, Will felt every moment he spent with James in the last five years unravel, like a piece of string unfurling all over the floor.How could he have been so oblivious?Every not-so-subtle hint at James’ feelings over the last year, had somehow, ironically, gone over his head.Every time Will had subconsciously sat slightly too close to James, and the butterflies he got when their arms brushed against each other. The days where he’d tried his best to distract James in hopes that he’d miss his train and have to stay the night. And if none of that gave it away, surely the time he ran 88 kilometres for James should’ve been the kicker.Even all those years ago, the constant ache in his heart in the months after James moved to Brighton. He’d tried to brush it off at the time, tried to tell himself it wasn’t a big deal, all his other friends still lived near. But now, he felt like he’d been shaken awake from a long, deep sleep. James wasn’t just a friend. He’s always been so much more.The answer was right in front of him, if only he had the courage to reach out and grab it.
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Chapter 4
“I wanna feel guilty, I wanna know that it’s wrong
I wanna know peace again, wanna be singin’ a different song
It’s only a question, if somebody brings it up
so I’m pushing it down and praying”
‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’
A simple saying that we’ve all probably heard once in our lives.
What people forget to include, however, is the second half.
‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely’
James stood under his shower, eyes firmly shut as water pelted him in the face. He blindly reached over to turn the dial up as hot as possible, hoping the painful tingle on his skin would overpower the constant, dull ache in his heart.
Loneliness.
James was well used to loneliness. Having spent most of his life floating between friend groups but never really feeling like he belonged. He had convinced himself it was because of his
probably neurodivergent
brain, but maybe it was just him.
But regardless of what caused it, it was there. That void in his chest that always craved
more
. He recalled the lyric in one of his songs, stating exactly that.
“My mother told me of my first word, I asked for more, I haven’t stopped since”
He often wondered if anything would ever be good enough, or if he’s doomed to the constant, vicious cycle of never being fulfilled. Every time he is just about content with life, it all comes crashing down around him.
James must’ve been on some sort of autopilot setting, because he didn’t remember getting out of the shower, but he was now staring at his reflection in the foggy mirror with a towel wrapped around his waist as he blindly fumbled for his glasses. He pushed them to rest on his nose bridge to finally have a good look at himself.
Hollow
is the first word that comes to mind. His face is paler than usual, the ever-present dark circles framing his eyes only becoming more noticeable with every hour of sleep he loses. Loose strands of wet hair hang down over his eyes, reminding him that he’s long overdue a haircut, his cheeks are grey with stubble, despite only having shaved the previous day. Or was it the day before that? He couldn’t be sure. He thought that shaving his facial hair into a moustache would be enough of a change that he’d start feeling like himself again. Obviously he was wrong.
Eventually, he manages to tear his eyes away from picking apart every single flaw in his appearance and focuses his attention on getting dressed. He barely pays any mind to what he’s wearing until he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Plain black shirt, plain blue jeans. The outfit was simply so
James
that he almost believed for a second that things were normal.
He meanders down his hallway and into his kitchen, Otto following close behind him, almost tripping James up as he weaves in between his legs, meowing in request to be fed.
He goes through the familiar motions of feeding his cat and making an iced coffee for himself and soon enough he’s stood with his back against the cold counter, eyes gazing out upon the busy streets of Brighton.
He glances down at his phone, which is laying face-down on the counter beside him. He moved to pick it up but before he could, it began buzzing violently, rattling against the marble.
James considered his options. He could either answer it, although he wasn’t exactly in the mood for conversation, or he could just ignore it and pretend that he’d been busy, like he’d been doing with most of the calls he’d gotten lately.
He figured he should probably check who it is, in case it’s Jono, or anyone else that might actually be important. He grabs his phone and flips it over so the screen is facing up.
His heart sinks to his abdomen.
Four letters on his screen.
Will
James grabs the edge of the counter behind him to steady himself. He doesn’t have nearly enough time to process this for fear that Will would give up and end the call.
So, James closes his eyes, swallows in a futile attempt to moisten his throat that has suddenly gone dry, and he swipes the slider at the bottom of his screen.
“Will?”
“…James?”
The voice on the other end doesn’t sound like Will. Well, it did, obviously. But at the same time, it didn’t. All the usual energy in his voice was gone, replaced with a timid and unsure tone that James had never heard before.
His first instinct was to feel pity. Pitiful for the broken man on the other end of the phone, but it didn’t last long. As very quickly. It was replaced by something else. Something stronger.
Fury.
How dare he? He had no right to ring him like this, out of the blue, and expect him to act like everything is perfectly normal.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“James, please just listen to me, I’m so-”
“No! Why should I listen to you? You haven’t exactly been willing to listen to me lately have you?”
James had intended to stay calm and handle things maturely, but that quickly went out the window as his anger took the reins, and he was now shouting, pacing around his living room.
“I know, James! I know! I’ve been an asshole to you, but just let me apologise, let me
try. Please.”
James fell silent as Will’s voice wavered on the other line.
“I don’t know what I can say to make you forgive me, but I just- I just want you to know I’m sorry. And I’m not just sayin’ it, I feel like a proper twat.”
“Why’d you call me?” Is all James had to say.
“To apologise? Why else?”
“Why did it take you so long then?”
“I- I just-”
“If you wanted to say sorry, you would’ve called me back two weeks ago. But you didn’t. So you’re just doing it to make yourself feel better, ‘cos you’ve realised you actually
do
feel bad.”
James said it certainly, as if he was stating a simple fact, and not essentially assassinating Will’s entire character. He had a knack for that, he couldn't help it.
Will sighed. “Look, James, I don’t know what you want me to say. I want to apologise to you, but if you don’t want to hear it, I won’t. Is that what you want?”
James didn’t answer that. Instead, he came up with his own question.
“How do you feel about me?”
James had stopped pacing around and was now sat firmly on his couch, picking at his fingernails in anticipation.
“Don’t ask stupid questions, James. You know I love you, obviously.”
James hummed. “Who’s it obvious to? ‘Cos it’s definitely not me.”
When Will didn’t answer, James decided to keep pushing, he was already far too deep into this conversation to back out now. And besides, he deserved answers.
“In what way?”
“What?”
“Do you love me? In what way do you love me? Like, platonically or…” He trailed off at the end, not wanting to scare Will off by stating the other option.
“I don’t know, to be honest. I just know that I love you. Is that not enough?”
“No!” James was standing again, and raising his voice. So much for keeping his composure. “Not really actually! Call me when you can give me a proper fuckin’ answer!”
James took his phone away from his ear and pressed the ‘
end call’
button, probably a bit too aggressively. He noticed that his hands were shaking, with rage or fear he couldn’t tell. Probably both.
Suddenly, James let out a shout of frustration and without thinking, flung his phone onto his couch.
He watched as it bounced off the side of the sofa and hit the corner of the coffee table. He heard the unmistakable crack of glass as the corner of his screen shattered. A solemn reminder that he couldn’t have nice things. Couldn’t make them last, at least.