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Beck ambled down the road as he thought hard about nothing, thoughts racing to ignore the pang of hunger that tore at his insides as he held his backpack straps tightly in his hands, if he didn't he'd be scared he'll do something bad. He wasn't sure what he'd do but he knew it wouldn't be good. He'd been walking aimlessly for what? Food, his mind echoed over and over, a caterwauling he couldn't get used to no matter how hard he tried. He hated how much he could think, he hated every thought that reminded him of the only issue he refused to fix, how long had it even been? A few days? A week? How much longer could he go like this? ‘Not long’ he thought. Somewhere in his head, he knew if he didn't find something today he wouldn't wake up in the morning, or maybe he would. Maybe he'd wake up with the disgusting reminder of his impending death sending pain through his entire torso just as it had every day for the last week of his hellish survival, it hurt so badly. He hated how it hurt to do this, to live. He wished for just a moment that out of everything he just wouldn't feel the pain of it as it happened.
Beck's walking was cut short as he saw an old bloody trail where it looked like someone had been dragged behind a building with too much wear to be viable for him and Levi. He decided to investigate it anyway as he followed the blood inside and to just what he did not expect.
The corpse that lay against the wall looked almost fine. Fresh, even. The old blood dried to their skin and their clothes were still a pretty burgundy that still seemed to seep through the fabric. Beck stared down at it for far too long as he had a surge of vile thoughts hit him hard. An ill need as he made eye contact with the corpse. He could barely recognize them as human with the damage but in a way, it helped his fleeting thoughts as he looked at the meat under the torn-out flesh.
Food. That's all he could see. Beck’s eyes were practically glazed over as he leaned down to look at the corpse more closely, he grabbed its wrist, the body was still lukewarm, with just a hint of life under the skin as Beck stared at it for too long for comfort before settling onto his knees before the body. He looked around himself quickly, anxious as he let his intrusive thoughts have their only win.
What was he doing? He asked himself as he slowly pulled the sleeve up to their elbow, looking at the untainted meat hard, following each vein with his eyes, pulling his own sleeves up quickly with his thumb.
What was he doing?? He couldn't physically stop himself as he pulled his knife from his belt line, he felt like it wasn't really him committing to this, it brought him comfort to imagine he wouldn't have been tempted like this. Urged to do something like this. Forced to do this. Was his hunger doing this? Was he doing this? What the fuck was he doing!?
Beck's thoughts couldn't stop him from pressing the blade against the limp person's forearm, making a deep cut just under the elbow and watching as blood dribbled out around the metal in slow dark lines over their pale skin. They lost a lot of blood before now he could tell even without the trail that brought him here. God why did he come here, he felt like it was bait for someone sick like him and he'd fallen right into it. Beck stared hard at the cut he made as he slowly cut out a chunk of the meat, blood covered the knife and dripped down his hand, smearing him in his sin as he tore the flesh from the bone with a sickening squelching. Ignoring how his stomach churned from his own actions, with shaking hands as he looked around himself again, he was so paranoid. He didn't want anyone to see this, he couldn't let anything witness this. He didn't want anything to know of what atrocity he was about to commit, the eyes of god could judge him all they liked but he simply couldn't stop himself as he held the chunk of bloody meat in his hands. He stared at it with a deep-rooted hunger he could only describe as predatory, he felt like a dog, shaking as he felt his mouth fall open a little,
He didn't want to do this. He took a deep breath.
He didn't want to do this. His fingers dug into the raw meat as he brought it closer to his face, it smelled like copper and rot, but everything smelled like rot to him.
He didn't want to do this.
Beck swallowed his drool as his stomach growled. He hated himself so badly as the taste of blood pooled in his mouth, his teeth sinking into the old meat with an ease he wasn't expecting. He felt sick, disgusting, every negative word he could think of as he chewed at the sinew in his mouth, swallowing far too quickly as it went down his throat in a painful lump. God what the actual fuck was he doing!? Beck hesitated for a conscious moment as blood dripped down his maw. He needed it, he couldn't help how badly he needed it he told himself. He refused to acknowledge what he was eating as he took another hunk of it into his mouth, gagging as it hit his tongue, he chewed regardless and heaved out a pant as he managed to get it down. In a way, It wasn't bad.
Beck felt everything and nothing as he scarfed the meat down as fast as he could, barely chewing as blood covered his face and neck, was this him, or whatever carnivorous thing lived inside him. Was that thing him? Was this what he was? He felt like a freak, some kind of animal as he heaved out a breath after he was done, chunks and mush of the flesh stuck to his hands as blood dripped onto the floor and into the fresh puddle that lay between his knees.
It still hurt
Beck’s trembling hands grabbed at the knife and the body once more, cutting chunks out of it as he just barely kept it down. This was wrong, this was so wrong! Beck's grasp on another chuck tightened too much as he choked on the blood for a moment, hacking up bits of flesh and blood as he swallowed it all back down with a disguised noise. He was going to hell for this he knew, the weight of every religious experience in his life held his shoulders heavy on his torso as the pain inside him, the gnawing need silenced after each regrettable mouthful.
When he was done he was shaking hard, he wasn't hungry anymore but the corpse's arm was skinned down to the bone, most of its meat gone. Beck didn't like knowing that it was inside of him. It weighed so heavy inside him and burned like poison as he took a wobbly step back, scrambling up as he started hyperventilating, his rationality coming back at quite possibly the worst time.
What was wrong with him?
Beck walked away, refusing to turn his back to the corpse before he was out of the building. When he was out he ran, he ran as fast as he could away from the building where his worst most unforgivable sin had been committed. Beck wiped his face with his sleeves, wiping his skin clean so hard it made his jaw raw and hurt, he found a bucket of old rainwater beside an old path and Beck used the dirty water to hide his crime from the world as he finally started his way back home. As he walked he felt guilt pool in him, regret and nausea thick in his brain as he held down the meat.
It didn't hurt anymore. That was all that mattered, he thought.
It didn't hurt.