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Lucifer woke up to see a bright red duck looking at him suspiciously.

He was standing on his chest, the tips of his feathers tipped with black. A monocle rested over his left eye.

“Lucifer.” Alastor said.

“Hello.”

“What have you done?”

Lucifer yawned, turning over to his side and shutting his eyes again. He heard a disgruntled quack and ruffling of feathers as his partner was forced to resituate.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’m a

duck

.”

“Mhm.”

“LUCIFER.”

“You make a very cute duck.” Lucifer said, opening his eyes to an upside-down annoyed bird. Alastor had poked his head over the side of Lucifer’s body.

His partner blinked.

“Thanks.” He said, seeming honored for a moment before he shook himself. “I mean-CHANGE ME BACK THIS INSTANT, SWINE.” He shouted, letting out an angry quack.

“Goodness,

someone’s

getting a big head.” Lucifer grumbled.

“I’m your king, I’d say my head is the perfect size.” Alastor said proudly.

“Not ye-” Lucifer suddenly realized something and his eyes widened. “Ah

fuck.

”

“What?” Alastor asked, seeming alarmed.

“We’re getting married today.”

Alastor raised an eyebrow, crossing his wings disapprovingly.

“I do not like

that

exclamation in relation to marrying me.” He said pointedly.

“No I don’t mean

that.

” Lucifer said, sitting up with a groan and picking Alastor up, setting him on his lap. Alastor frowned up at him. “You woke up like this?”

“...Yes?” His partner asked, seeming confused.

Lucifer rubbed a hand down his face.

“

Damn

it.” He hissed.

“Wait, are you saying you

didn’t

do this?” Alastor was panicking a little now. “Am I stuck? Am I going to marry you as a

bird

?”

“I didn’t do it.” Lucifer said, tapping a finger to Alastor’s beak. “You did.”

His partner stared at him, brow furrowed.

“I…do not compute.”

“Your powers kicked in, congratulations!” Lucifer said with a sigh, giving his emotional support duck a pat. “I’m a little surprised this was your first form, but that’s just the way it goes I suppose-”

“I’m a

shapeshifter?!

” Alastor interrupted excitedly.

“A very

inconvenient

shapeshifter.” Lucifer corrected.

“Can I be anything?” He asked, seeming entirely unashamed.

Lucifer shrugged unhelpfully, and his partner gave him a little bite with his beak. Lucifer winced-were his teeth still sharp?

“Ow!”

“Tell me what’s going on!”

“Fine. Y’know the powers I told you about when we got engaged?”

“The ones you’ve been

frustratingly

vague about?”

“I had to! I had no idea how my powers would translate to you! You could be restricted to duck form, you could get a few, you could become a dragon next week, I don’t know!”

“What about Lilith?” Alastor asked curiously.

“She got my persuasion.” Lucifer said with a shrug. “But you’re much more powerful than she was when we got married-”

“Damn right.” His partner said with a proud nod.

“-So it’d make sense if you got a few more.”

“Fuck yeah.” Alastor said with a formal nod. “So how do I get

out

of stupid pigeon and

into

dragon exactly?”

“See that’s where the problem is.”

“Elaborate.” His partner ordered.

“This sort of thing takes time and training to control.” Lucifer continued. “I remember when I first transformed I was stuck for a day or two.”

“But I have a master, so I should be fine.” He said with a dismissive wave of a wing.

“You’re much more confident in my abilities than I am.” Lucifer said with a fond sigh. “But the thing about my powers is that they’re very connected to emotion.”

“Yes yes, so are mine.”

“And today is your

wedding day.

”

Alastor’s face suddenly moved to pure dread as he understood.

“Oh…dear.”

And suddenly there was an anxious fully formed buck on Lucifer’s lap.

Lucifer grunted, entirely squished.

“Okay-puns-we’ll keep that in mind-

oof

.”

Alastor looked back at him.

“Do we need to postpone?” He asked, ears twitching in concern. “

Can

we postpone?”

“I-I dunno-” Lucifer shoved him off, and breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m not really sure. I think it might be for the best. You can’t really rush this sort of thing. Took me years-”

Alastor hopped off the bed and began pacing, hooves tapping the floor. Ugh, that was definitely going to scuff, ah well.

“No, no it’ll be fine.” He said decisively. “We can figure this stuff out, I can get everything together-” He turned his head to look at Lucifer. “I’ll be

fi-

”

He fell through a portal thrumming with red crackling energy.

Sighing, Lucifer got up and stretched, following his dear partner through his own portal. Alastor would have to start looking where he was going.

He emerged a few feet above the ground in Wrath.

“Oh look! You can go to all the rings now!” Lucifer said as he hopped down beside a sprawled-out Alastor, using his own magic to pick the deer back up.

Alastor still seemed shaky, looking around in confusion.

Lucifer patted him comfortingly.

“Guess you won’t need me anymore, now that you’re all cool on your own.” He said with a dramatic sigh.

His partner suddenly seemed more excited.

“Do I get to fly?”

“I sure hope not!” Lucifer said, the image of a cackling Alastor dropping shadow creatures on everyone’s heads flashing through his head.

“Goodness, why do you have to clip my wings, hm?” Alastor asked slyly, giving him a sharp-toothed grin.

“I’d be too jealous!”

Alastor suddenly let out an excited bugle, and Lucifer jumped in surprise.

“

What

?” Lucifer asked frantically, looking around.

“I can

finally

beat you in tag!” He said excitedly, turning to face him and leaning down like a dog that wanted to play.

“I suppose this

does

even the playing field.” Lucifer agreed, turning into his deer form as well and mimicking the stance.

“OnetwothreeGO!” Alastor said as quickly as he could, and they were off like a shot, bounding over lava-filled rivers and steaming geysers. Wrath was a very safe place to frolic, don’t worry.

Lucifer was running towards a flowing river, skipping over cracks in the magma, when he realized they had gotten entirely off track. Blinking, he stopped, turning back-and was hit with an Alastor at full speed.

“OOF.” He declared, falling backwards as Alastor cackled, tackling him once again in human form. Lucifer grinned down at him, bapping him with one hoof. “Awww.”

“I know, I'm adorable when I beat your ass.” His partner said with a knowing nod.

Lucifer snorted

“Nah, you just reverted back. Means you calmed down.”

“Ah.”

“Though you

have

beat me up a lot today.”

“That’s a good sign, isn’t it?”

“Yup. We’re super ready for marriage.”

At that, Alastor changed forms again, switching to alligator.

“OOOOF.” Lucifer complained as he winced at the weight.

“Stop whining.” His partner rolled his eyes, slapping his tail down in annoyance.

“I am

suffocating.

”

“You’re dramatic.”

Lucifer suddenly frowned, realizing what had made him change in the first place.

“...How

are

you feeling about all of this?”

“Fine.” Alastor said curtly. “So how do I fix it?”

“Well you can start by getting off me.” Lucifer began, deciding to drop it until he was a human again. This was stressful enough for him without Lucifer interrogating him.

Alastor obeyed, sitting and looking up at him. Lucifer changed back to his regular form, shaking himself a little.

“Okay, so you’re going to want to find an anchor.”

“We’re in Wrath. There’s no ships here.”

“Don’t be disrespectful, young man.” Lucifer scolded.

“Yes sir.” He said with a toothy grin.

“An anchor is something that makes you feel most human, most

you

.” Lucifer told him. “So I’ll think of apples or Charlie or something like that.”

“Radio.” Alastor said without hesitation.

Lucifer snapped his fingers.

“Yup, that’s what I was thinking. So think of radio, just see if it works.”

Alastor the alligator(gosh, that sounds like a children’s book. Lucifer needs to write that immediately.) closed his eyes, taking a breath for a beat.

Lucifer sat beside him, humming as he looked out over the wrecked, flaming landscape. How peaceful.

A moment later, a normal Alastor was sitting beside him.

“Well, that was easy.” He observed.

Lucifer grinned.

“You’re a natural. So are you ready to go bac-”

“What else can I do?” Alastor interrupted, eyes shining. He pointed at a nearby lava rock. “EXPLOSION.”

Lucifer blinked at his partner.

“Did you just…

say

explosion?” He asked him, trying not to laugh.

“No, you’re imagining things.” Alastor said dismissively. “BOOM. BANG. ABRACADABRA.”

“You know, some people would be satisfied with

just

a shapeshifting power.” Lucifer mentioned, leaning back on his hands. The rock had still not been affected.

“POOF.” Alastor said, waving his hands. “DEBRIS.”

Lucifer snorted.

“Wow, I’m so immpres-”

Alastor stood to his feet and pointed at the rock aggressively, the magma around them bubbling.

“

I COMMAND YOU IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR TO EXPLODE

.” He boomed, a demonic filter glazing over his radio tone.

…

“Ah, fuck.” Lucifer said, spreading his wings and shielding Alastor as the rock burst into a million pieces, accompanied by a blast of radio static.

Lucifer winced as flaming stones hit his wings.

“OW.” He told Alastor accusingly underneath the tent of feathers.

“It worked!” His partner said excitedly, popping his head out and looking in wonder at the scorched mark where the rock used to be.

“Yep.” Lucifer said unenthusiastically.

They stood in silence for a moment.

Then Alastor cleared his throat.

“So…do you think that would work on Vox?”

Asmodeous was

seriously

doubting the use of phones. He might start to take the Alastor approach to technology if this kept up.

“FIZZ. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?” He asked as the calling sound stopped again.

“He hung up on you babe.” His boyfriend said, slinging up and around his neck like the world’s most supportive scarf.

“WHY?” He said loudly, squinting down at it. These little things were

easier

to use when he wasn’t in supersized form, but he was too nervous to get himself down to the usual size.

“Maybe he couldn’t come to the phone? It is his wedding day, he could be up to

activitiessss

.” Fizz sang with a cackle

“Goodness gracious, I never thought I’d want someone to

ignore

their lust, but

HERE WE ARE.

” He said frustratedly.

“OZZIE!” Satan shouted, appearing beside him. “I CAN’T MAKE THE FUCKING PHONE WORK.”

“NEITHER CAN I!”

“UGGGGH WHAT THE FUUUUCK!!!” Satan groaned, smoke coming out of his nose.

A little hellborn appeared beside him, sitting on his forehead.

“Deep breaths.” The little one reminded him. “Think of your body just reeelllaxxxing like you’re turning into a puddle, fireball.”

Satan groaned, face planting onto Ozzie’s giant bed as Yogirt flitted around him, robes a bright white.

Asmodeous angrily stabbed a finger at the ‘call’ button again, his eyes all narrowing onto the phone intensely.

It hung up again.

“I’M GOING TO IMPLODE!” Ozzie shouted, and Fizz gave him a pat.

“Deeep breaths.” He repeated. Yogirt gave him an approving thumbs up.

Asmodeous looked down at him with a frown, though he felt himself calming.

“I feel patronized.”

“I SECOND THAT.” Satan called, his voice slightly muffled by the sheets.

“Aw, you’ll be okay.” Fizz and Yogirt soothed in unison.

A moment later Mammon spun into view with a small tinkling noise.

“IS THE WIFI BETTER HERE?” He asked, clearly also in a state of panic.

“NO!” The two other sins screamed.

“IF HE WON’T ANSWER HIS DAMN PHONE, I’M NOT

COMING

!” Mammon shouted, pacing angrily. “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I’VE SPENT DOING

THIS

AND NOT BRAND DEALS?!”

Levi appeared, wearing a white wedding dress.

Everyone in the room pointed at him.

“CHANGE.” They ordered in unison.

“God, okay!” Envy said, holding up his hands in surrender and disappearing again.

Bee flew in, brow furrowed.

“I was trying to text Lu about the catering-”

“He won’t ANSWER.” Satan groaned.

“We think he’s performing the marital act.” Fizz supplied, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Wait, what if they broke up?” Mammon said suddenly.

Everyone in the room’s faces filled with dread.

“IS HE GOING TO GHOST US AGAIN?” Bee asked, her eyes widening.

“HE’S

NEVER

IGNORED HIS PHONE.”

“I’M GOING TO

KILL

THAT RADIO PRICK.” Satan snarled angrily, sitting up and cracking his knuckles.

“NOT BEFORE ME.” Levi hissed, having reappeared in much more suitable clothing.

Every sin’s full demonic form was coming out now as protective anger and fear started taking a toll on their appearance.

“Have we considered doing group meditation?” Yogirt asked, a little nervously.

Everyone ignored him, instead choosing to have a collective panic attack.

Belphagor poked her head in the room, blinking sleepily.

“Hey, I’m going to go visit Lu.” She asked casually. “He won’t answer his phone. I’m pretty sure he forgot it somewhere.” She yawned. “You guys coming?”

The sins all stared at her, then each other, their forms slowly reverting back to normal.

“...Yeah.” Ozzie said with a nod.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Are you

sure

this is a good idea?” Lucifer muttered to his partner. They were both in cat form, slowly slinking around a corner.
 
“You would get in my way of revenge, dear?”
 
“Of course not! I love revenge.” Lucifer assured him, resting his tail on Alastor’s back for a moment before he padded to the next hallway. Sneaking in had almost been too easy. As much as Lucifer would love to say it was suspicious, it was probably just negligence. “Just-it has to be

today?

”
 
“Lucifer, are you aware that Valentino licked Charlie’s arm?”
 "Huh?""And offered her a job?" 
Lucifer froze.
 
Slowly turned his head to face him.
 
And his claws popped out immediately.
 
“I no longer have reservations.”
 
“Wonderful.” Alastor said, butting his head against him affectionately before taking the lead, his tail high and proud.
 
They were sneaking their way through the Vee tower, slowly getting closer to Vox’s evil-shark-tank-villan-office-thing. Sure, they could have just teleported there, but this was much more exciting, and Alastor seemed to enjoy it more.
 
Lucifer ran up to slink beside him again.
 
“I just don’t get how the security cameras haven’t picked up on us yet.”
 
“Oh, they’re not functional.” Alastor said flippantly.
 
Lucifer blinked, whiskers twitching in confusion.
 
“Huh?”
 
“That means they can’t see us, sweetheart.”
 
“Oh please, I’m not

that

old.” Lucifer said with a roll of his eyes. “I mean how do you know?”
 
“Of course I-” Alastor faltered, slowing his pace to think. “...hmm."
 
Lucifer let out a meow of amusement(Think of a quick ‘mow!’).
 
“You don’t know how, do you?”
 
“I…may feel…an amount…of confusion.” His partner admitted slowly.
 
“Well as much as I’d

love

to explain the intricacies of power and energy-”
 
“I can’t feel…

any

of Vox’s power.” Alastor interrupted, brow furrowing. Aw, he just figured it out instantly. “Is he dead? It would be terribly disappointing if someone

else

killed him.” 
 
“Hm…maybe, but I think-” Lucifer suddenly grinned as an idea thwacked him. 
 
“What?” Alastor asked curiously.

“Oh, I don’t want to spoil the surprise bellhop!” Lucifer said excitedly, speeding up so that Alastor had to run to keep up with him. “There’s every chance I’m wrong, after all!”

But there’s also a chance that this will be INCREDIBLY entertaining.

Charlie would like to make something entirely, completely clear before she continues.
 
She loves her family.

….
 
Got it? Good.
 
WHY THE

HELL

WERE ALL HER AUNTS AND UNCLES HERE

5 HOURS

EARLY?!?
 
“H-hey Auntie Bee!” Charlie stuttered, attempting to not have a panic attack as all

fucking

six walked right

out

of a portal and

into

a completely

non-sin

prepared hotel.

Please for the love of DAD do not judge me right now.

She pleaded internally.
 
“Char!” Beelzebub said with a grin, giving her a quick hug. She seemed to not have noticed what a

mess

the place was yet, thank god- “D’you know where your dad is?”
 
“Uh! No! I don’t.” She said with a nervous laugh.
 
“Op! I’m getting bad vibes, honey.” Bee said with a little smile, furrowing her brow in concern. “What’s up?”
 
And now all of her sin-relatives were staring at her expectantly.
 
“Er…” Charlie struggled to come up with

something

non offensive. Maybe just general stress? That might wor-
 
“AUGH! What are you all

doing here?

” A voice came from behind her. Charlie sighed in relief as her grandma came up to stand beside her, looking horrified.
 
Elizabeth placed her hands on her hips. She had a blanket tucked beneath one arm, an expression of disapproval on her face.
 
“Just showing up uninvited, huh?” She asked accusingly, raising an eyebrow. “Do you have

any idea

how many more preparations have to be done?”
 
Mammon raised a finger, about to protest, but Charlie’s grandma spoke before the sin could.
 
“No sir.” She said, pointing a finger at him in pure motherly disappointment. “

Clearly

you do not, as one who

would

would have an

ounce

of empathy for their niece!”
 
All of the sins were now looking at the ground in shame, entirely cowed under Elizabeth’s scolding.

A new voice came from Charlie’s other side.
 
“Babette, did you go mom mode on all powerful beings again?” 
 
Elizabeth froze as Rosie placed her hands on her hips.
 
“I…may have.” She admitted. Her girlfriend groaned.
 
“C’mon, you know I like to watch! It’s

unbelievably

hot.” 
 
“That is slightly concerning.” Elizabeth pointed out as she pecked her on the cheek, turning towards the sins. Several who had been looking up hurriedly returned their gaze to their shoes(Metaphorically. Not all of them wear shoes.). Rosie gave her girlfriend a side eye.
 
“So did you let them get a word in, or-?”
 
“Charlie was uncomfortable.” Elizabeth said, entirely unapologetically.
 
Rosie gave Charlie a glance for confirmation.
 
“I was…alarmed?” She offered.
 
Vaggie suddenly landed beside them. She had her arms full of streamers, her job was to hang them because-y’know-angel. Elizabeth had the same thing. So did Husk. Actually, it was kinda weird how many members of the staff were winged at this point.
 
“Oh yes, that’s entirely unacceptable.” Charlie’s girlfriend agreed.
 
Finally, Oz cleared his throat.
 
“We didn’t mean to trigger the girlboss protectiveness team-though we

were

rude, sorry-we’re just looking for Lucifer.”
 
“The asshole won’t return our damn calls.” Satan added.
 
Vaggie shrugged.
 
“We don’t know. We haven’t seen him today.”
 
“...and you’re not concerned about that?” Uncle Levi asked, tilting his head.
 
“No?” Rosie said with a laugh. “He’s an adult.”
 
The sins all blinked at her, seeming perplexed.
 
“He’s older than I am.” She pointed out.
 
“...and?” Mammon asked with a frown.
 
“Uh…personal space?”
 
Aunt Bel squinted in bewilderment.
 
“What do you mean?”
 
Huh. Maybe this was why her dad had cut contact for a while after Charlie’s mom had left.
 
Then again-
 
“Are you worried he’s going to ghost you all again?” Charlie asked her relatives gently.
 
Satan bit his lip, looking away.
 
“Supervision just seems like a good idea.”
 
Charlie decided that it was time to set a

boundary.

“Nope! You’re going to trust him, got it? Space is a

great

idea when it comes to building good relationships!”
 
Bee blinked.
 
“But are you su-”
 
“Look.” Elizabeth interrupted, looking annoyed. “My son already has

quite enough

of this spying garbage from Snox or whatever. If I see

any

kind of this stuff for Lucifer, I’ll

personally

pay you a visit.”
 
“And me!” Rosie added with a grin. “I’m her sidekick.”
 
“Got it?” 
 
They all nodded hurriedly.
 
“Um…may we…

please

go and try to find him?” Mammon asked politely. It seemed almost painful for him.
 
Elizabeth nodded, looking at Charlie.
 
“Fine by me. Charlie?”
 
She gave her sin relatives a thumbs up.
 
“Good luck!” She told them with a wink as they moved to walk up the stairs.

“Ugh…is anyone else’s heart still racing?” Satan asked, placing a hand to his chest.
 
Everyone muttered in agreement. Ozzie was sure he’d never be

honestly

scared by anything, but he was clearly not at the top of the food chain.
 
“I am amazed Lulu found a guy who was raised by that.” Mammon said, shaking his head.
 
“I dunno.” Bee said with a shrug. “I kinda like her vibe. Very ‘I’ll sternly talk to anyone who stands in my way’.”
 
Levi frowned.
 
“Do you like

my

vibe?” He asked.
 
“Nope!” Bee said with a cackle, flying up to the room and reaching for the handle.
 
“WAIT!” Belphogor shouted, and everyone froze instantly. A yelling Sloth was not to be trifled with. “Personal space.” She reminded Bee.
 
“Oh! Right.”

Gluttony took a breath and knocked as the rest of the sins lined up beside her.
 
But…there was no response.
 
Bee did it again, then let out a whine of distress when Lu didn’t come.
 
“Okay that’s enough respect.” Oz decided, gently moving her out of the way as he knocked loudly.
 
“WE’RE COMING IN!” He called.
 
“PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON!” Fizz added from around his neck, and Asmodeus snorted, opening the door gently and poking his head in to find…nothing? The room was completely empty.

“UGH!” Satan groaned as he squeezed his way through. “WHY??” He looked at Yogirt. “WHY???” He asked him, rubbing giant claws over his face. The hellborne patted him.

“Not everything goes the way we want it to, fireball.”
 
“But where IS HE?” 
  
Alastor had expected a lot of things when they got into The V’s office.
 
Vox crying in a corner, however, was not one of them.
 
The TV was currently curled up and sobbing while Valentino attempted to comfort him. The moth looked horrified that

he

was the one who had to emotionally regulate his partner. He was also awful at it. Alastor, at this point, was an absolute expert with Lucifer, and this was

definitely

not the way to do it.
 
“Voxxy, come on! Get off the floor, you’re scaring the living shit out of me!” Valentino said. “Then we can…uh…fuck?”
 
The TV didn’t bother responding, curling tighter in on himself.
 
Velvette, however, was entirely ignoring them both, brow furrowed as she stared up at Vox’s huge array of computers, pushing buttons frantically.
 
Alastor followed her gaze, expecting to see the detestable sight of camera footage, but…
 
Every single one was reduced to static.
 
Alastor blinked, frowning in confusion, and he realized that his partner was staring at him excitedly, his ears perked up in alertness.(Yes, he now understood cat body language. Yes, he also has no idea how to feel about that.)
 
“Did

you

do this?” Alastor muttered to him. “Is this a present?”
 
“Goodness, you really have to stop framing me for all the magic

you’re

doing.” Lucifer practically sang, tail held above him proudly. 
 
Alastor looked at the scene of the room, then back at his partner.
 
He placed a paw to his chest.
 
“

Me?

”
 
“You.” Lucifer agreed with a huge grin.
 
Alastor blinked.
 
“Go cause a distraction, dear.”
 
“Yes sir.”
   
Lucifer hopped up on the table, giving Velvette a nod.
 
“How’s it going?”
 
She didn’t look away from the screens, squinting at the lower right one with a frown.
 
“Pretty damn awful.”
 
“Yeah?” Lucifer asked, a little amused.
 
“Mhm.”
 
“Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?”
 
She smacked a sarcastic hand to her forehead.
 
“Oh

right!

If only I had-” She groaned. “OF

COURSE

I HAVE, OLD MAN.”
 
Lucifer only sat there, tail swishing pleasantly,
 
She turned to face him and her face dropped as she registered who he was.
 
“I-mean, um-Your majesty!”
 
Still staring at her pleasantly, Lucifer walked over the keyboard, settling on it with a yawn.
 
“It’s quite warm here.” He commented. “I believe I shall take a nap.”
 
Vox was wincing, groaning a little. 
 
“Velvette, what the fuck are you doing to my keyboard?” He asks, somewhat tearfully.
 
“The king of hell is

sleeping on it.

” Velvette said, presenting him to her partners with both hands.
 
Lucifer stretched for effect, making sure to press all the keys at once.
 
“YOU.” Vox shouted, and he was suddenly lifted off the table as the TV held him up threateningly. “DID

YOU

DO THIS?”
 
Lucifer gave him a slow confused blink.
 
“Do what?” He asked, trying to seem as suspicious as possible.
 
Vox shook him.
 
“TURN OFF ALL OF MY POWER!”
 
“I would never!”
 
“Yes you would! Admit it you

bastard!

” Vox snarled.
 
And at that moment, like a fucking antagonist in a superhero movie, Alastor the cat was illuminated from behind by the screens, standing on top of Vox’s display heroically.
 
“Release my husband this

instant.

” He hissed.
 
Vox’s jaw dropped.
 
“What the hell is

that?

”
 
Oh yeah, Lucifer had forgotten to mention that Alastor’s cat form was…unique? It was hard to explain.
 
Lucifer hadn’t mentioned it to him though, it was absolutely adorable.
 
He pointed at him with a paw, looking up at Vox smugly.
 
“Your

king

, bitch.”
 
Alastor cackled and jumped off the display, landing on the TV’s head and attacking it without mercy.
 
“FUCK!” Vox shouted as he tried in vain to get Alastor off his face, dropping Lucifer.
 
Lucifer landed on his feet, stretched, and began licking a paw(look, he’s a cat. It’s not weird, ok?)
 
Alastor delivered a vicious bite to the edge of Vox’s hard, snagging a chunk out.
 
Vox swore, trying to hit Alastor off him, and Lucifer proceeded to start just a

little

fire on his shoe. 
 
“Voxxy, you seem to be a little hotter than usual.” Valentino commented. He was leaning on the counter next to Velvette.
 
“God, I wish my phone worked right now…” The doll groaned, throwing her head back.
 
A moment later, Alastor had moved back into his deer form, stamping Vox in the face twice.
 
He leaned down, snorted in the half-unconscious TV’s face, and showed his signature smile of sharp yellow teeth.

“Having trouble?” He asked, eyes narrowing cruelly.
 
“Fucking…” Vox blinked, eyes widening as he was revived by rage. “

ALASTOR???

”
 
“Yessss?” His partner asked, looking delighted to be recognized.
 
“WHAT DID YOU

DO?

”
 
“Oh Vox…” Alastor stepped off him, lazily making his way over to Lucifer. Grinning up at him, he switched to snake form, slithering his way to his partner’s horns and coiling around them. “It seems your signal is gone…forever!”
 
“WHAT?”
 
“You’ve been ‘canceled’, as the kids say!” Alastor said with a proud toss of his head. “Permanently!”
 
Vox, somewhat unsteadily, stood to his feet again. His eyes were doing a weird…spiral thing?
 
“Lucifer.” He ordered. “Look at me.”
 
Lucifer blinked twice, then stared at him. Was he trying to…hypnotize him?
 
“You will obey.” Vox told him, and Lucifer frowned.
 
Oh.
 
He was.
 
Fuck, it had to be in

snake form?

Now, for those of you who don’t know-snakes are easily…charmed, as they say. It’s not a great part of them, but it was the only downside to a fucking awesome animal and nothing will ever change that.

However, Lucifer won’t pretend like it’s not harder to resist hypnotism in snake form.
 
He could already feel himself nodding, his body rising up at attention as his instinct took over.
 
“Yessss?” He hissed as he tilted his head, following the spiral’s enchanting movement.

Vox grinned triumphantly, opening his mouth to spea-

“

NEWT

!” Alastor shouted, seemingly panicking as demonic radio static took over his tone.
 
And then the spiral was gone.
 
Lucifer shook himself, letting out a little hiss of annoyance, and saw a very confused looking bright blue lizard where Vox was.
 
“HOLY SHIT.” Valentino said, jumping in alarm. He actually looked terrified as he spread his wings, sticking to the wall instinctively. “WHY???”
 
“

PLEASE

YOUR MAJESTY.” Velvette begged, falling to her knees in desperation. “JUST LET ME TAKE

ONE VIDEO.

”
 
Alastor ignored her, and Lucifer flopped down to look at his deer upside-down.
 
“Well then…explain yourself.” He said with a raised eyebrow.
 
Alastor snorted at him.
 
“I was losing you. I panicked.”
 
“And your

first thought-

” Lucifer said, tilting his head. “Before ‘explode!’ or ‘stab!’ or ‘steal his kneecaps!’-” He gave him a fanged grin. “Was ‘NEWT!’?”
 
“I just saved you, ungrateful ass.” Alastor pointed out. He changed into a donkey to emphasize his point.
 
“Aw, I appreciate you.” Lucifer reassured, patting him on the head with his tail. “So do you wanna un-newtify Botox here?”
 
“YES PLEASE.” Valentino added from the wall. Vox was still sitting on the ground, looking entirely like he desired a quick death(This may be hard to envision on a newt’s face, sorry. Use your imagination.)
 
“HAHAHA-no.” Alastor brayed, throwing his head back as he laughed and summoning a red, crackling portal.
 
“It’ll wear off in a few days!” Lucifer added as he was carried away, modifying his partner's magic to match his statement.
 
“A FEW

DAYS???

” Valentino practically screamed as it closed behind them.
   
The sins had now started a pile of hugs for stress.
 
It was pretty funny, all things considered.
 
Fizz was sitting at the King of Hell’s desk, legs crossed as he waited for his boyfriend and the rest of his political figures to calm the fuck down. Yogirt had given up as well and was now hovering beside him. 
 
“I loved him so fucking much…” Bee whimpered dramatically.

“He’s not dead, he can’t be!” Mammon said tearfully. He was at the bottom of the stack of sins-huh, had Mammon tried to sell that? It sounded like it’d fly off the shelves-and didn’t seem to mind being squished. Fizz shook his head. Poor guy was in denial.

As fucking always…

“I never told him that I envied

him

the most.” Levi said sadly. 
 
“IF HE CAME BACK I WOULD KILL HIM AGAIN!” Satan shouted.
 
“Remember to minimize death threa-ah, fuck it.” Yogirt groaned. He seemed to be nearing the end of his rope.
 
“I-” Oz was cut off by Charle, who was blinking in surprise as she walked in to see all of her aunts and uncles going through the five stages of grief after not being able to find her father for a few hours.
 
“Um…am I interrupting something?”
 
“We think that Lucifer is dead, sweetheart.” Belphagor said tearfully.
 
“Uh…” Charlie furrowed her brow. “...Why?”
 
There was silence in the room for a moment as all the sins processed that question.

The princess cleared her throat.
 
“Are you sure you guys have tried…everything?” She prodded gently.
 
“Oh, we haven’t actually.” His boyfriend said with a nod.
 
“Um…maybe try that before you…” The princess cut herself off, obviously unable to make the end of that sentence sound polite. “Anyway, it’d be nice to get my dads back. They’re pretty important to their own wedding.”
 
“What a surprise!” Fizz said with a grin, and Charlie snorted.
 
“Alright Charlie.” Satan said with a nod, squeezing himself out of the stack and causing several sins to fall off. “We will not let you down.”
 
Then he cleared his throat and tilted his head to the sky.
 
Yogirt’s eyes widened.
 
“Fuck-everyone cover their ear-”
 
Without any further warning, Wrath started screaming.
 
Holy

shit.

And Fizz thought crowds were loud. 
 
The room practically shook with Satan’s roar, the sound echoing and reverbing against the walls just to amplify it. 
 
Wait, was everyone else

joining in???

Sure enough, the rest of the sins also tilted their heads up and started yelling as well.
 
Fuck his ears, Oz owed him a

serious apology

for not even trying to warn him.
  
Lucifer sighed in contentment, leaning against his partner. They were up on his palace’s roof, enjoying the view of Pride(Think murder).
 
“So how do you like your new cool powers bellhop?” He asked him with a grin.
 
“I find them…sufficient.” He said with a little grin.
 
Lucifer raised an eyebrow at him.
 
“‘Sufficient’?”
 
“Well, they’re almost

too

good.” Alastor said with a dramatic hair toss.
 
Lucifer snorted, rolling his eyes.
 
“Gosh you’re spoiled. What more do you want?”
 
“I…” Alastor trailed off, frowning to himself as he looked away.
 
“Hey.” Lucifer poked him. “What more do you want?”
 
“Nothing.”

“Ooooh a mystery!” Lucifer said, rubbing his hands together. “I guess I'll get to guess then! How fun!”
 
“Oh no.” Alastor said with a little smile. “Please do not.”

“I know you like how chaotic I am, don’t try to hide it.” Lucifer said, wrapping his tail around him and melting further into his side. “Is it…a pony?”
 
“Yes. A giant one. As pink and sparkly as possible.” Alastor said in a deadpan.

“It could be your warhorse.”
 
“I would be honored.”
 
“Hmm…How about…a trip toooo Hawaii?”
 
Alastor looked down at him in confusion.
 
“How in the world do you even know what that is?”
 
“Movies!” Lucifer said with a grin, and Alastor wrinkled his nose a little.

“Well I’d much prefer a trip home, if that’s available.”
 
“New Orleans?”
 
“That’s the one.”
 
Lucifer tilted his head thoughtfully.
 
“Hmm. I’ll look into it. Maybe I could get a summon-”
 
“NO.”
 
“I’m just kidding!”

Alastor squinted at him suspiciously.
 
“Don’t you

dare

caneton.”
 
“Okay, okay.” Lucifer said, putting up his hands in surrender.
 
“I

will

beat you up.”
 
“I won’t!”
 
Alastor nodded, seeming appeased. Then he wrapped an arm around his shoulders, closing his eyes for a moment.
 
“What other guesses do you have?”
 
Lucifer paused for a moment, then a small sigh escaped him as he finally said it.
 
“You don’t want to marry me, do you?”
 
Alastor popped his head up, immediately stiff.

“Abso-fucking-lutely not.”
 
“I’m not mad.”

Alastor was already launching into a tirade.
 
“I adore you. I love you. I want to spend-”
 
Lucifer put a finger to his lips, silencing him.
 
“Let me rephrase.” He began. “You don’t want to kiss with everyone we know watching, then proceed to attend an entire event where the whole point of it is how in love we are.”
 
“I…” Alastor bit his lip, looking away. Then, in a very small voice, he spoke. “Doesn’t that sound…kind of weird?” He swallowed. “I do love you. I’m not-not ashamed of you. But…just-everyone? Everyone watching and making sure that we’re acting-I don’t know-in love enough?”
 
“It does.” Lucifer agreed. Then he froze, shaking himself.
 
“What?” Alastor asked, but he was thwacked with the sound a moment later, folding his ears down and groaning. “

Fuck.

What is that?”
 
“Ugh…the sins miss me!” Lucifer said, rubbing a finger in his ear for a moment and wincing.
 
“Guess they’re looking for us.” Alastor said, and Lucifer could see every bit of nervousness he was desperately trying to hide.
 
Lucifer stood to his feet, stretched, and gave him a grin, still wincing a little from the noise.
 
“So I think we can figure this out."
 
"Hm?"
 
"Find a way to still satisfy our demanding loved ones with our love while still not imploding from pressure."
 
"That will take some...calculations."

Lucifer laughed, tipping his hat.
 "Well you know that I'm great at math!-"(He was not)"-This should be easy as pie." He pointed at him. "See what I did there?" "Oh, I did." Alastor said, frowning. "So lets start with checking on my insecure millenia-old all-powerful beings, and then we'll use our combined brainpower to drastically improve the wedding experience." Lucifer said, offering a hand. "Sound good?"He could see the doubt on Alastor's face and he tilted his head, giving him a lopsided smile. "We got this." He told him confidently. "Fine." Alastor said with a nod, taking it and Lucifer summoned them both a portal. "Worst caseinario-" Lucifer took his arm. "We elope?""I was thinking manslaughter, but sure.""Combination? A little bit of both?"Alastor laughed at that, and Lucifer's world brightened with his face. "Combination." He agreed.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Hello!” Lucifer shouted over the sin’s unholy screaming as he reappeared in his room. 
 
“Hey dad.” Charlie said, looking exhausted. She was standing to the side wearing big fluffy earmuffs. Fizzaroli and Yogirt stood beside her, each wearing earplugs. “Everyone’s looking for you.”
 
“Really? I hadn’t noticed!” Lucifer said, placing his hands on his hips as he looked at the sins who were screaming at the sky. Then he cleared his throat, raising his voice.
 
“

CHILDREN

.” He shouted, demonicness leaching into his tone.
 
The sins all stopped screaming in unison, turning to face him.
 
“LUCIFER!!!” They shouted in pure relief, crowding around him excitedly.

“You’re alive.” Bee whimpered with a sigh, face planting into his side.
 
“Um…yes?” Lucifer raised an eyebrow.
 
“Where did you

go

young man?” Satan asked severely, his hands on his hips.
 
“To…cause chaos?”
 
Levi frowned at him.
 
“Do you have

any

idea how

worried

we’ve been?”
 
“Ideally not very, as it’s been-what-four hours? Tops?”
 
Belphegor raised a finger.
 
“But we’re needy! You need to take that into account.”

Lucifer snorted.
 
“Clearly!” He turned to his daughter. “Wanna go? I’ll take care of the turds.”
 
“I am

not

a turd.” Mammon protested.
 
There was disbelieving silence in the room for a moment.
 
“-All the time?” The sin finished weakly.
 
Bee shrugged.

“Yeah I guess that works.”
 
“Anyway, I can’t imagine how worried you all must have been to get off your asses and come all the way here-”
 
“WELL-”
 
“-

SOMEONE

-”
 
“-DIDN’T-”
 
“-RETURN-”
 
“-OUR-”
 
“-CALLS!”
 
Lucifer put up his hands in surrender.

“It’s Alastor’s fault!” He said instinctively.
 
“HE NO LONGER HAS MY BLESSING.” They all yelled in unison as Charlie gave her dad a salute and slowly backed away. After a moment the mini-boyfriends followed behind.
 
“GREAT BECAUSE IT’S HELL ANYWAY! NO BLESSINGS HERE!” Lucifer shouted back.
 
There was another stunned silence.
 
“FUCK!” Mammon said, crossing his arms with a humph.
 
Lucifer cackled.
 
“EXACTLY! CHECKMATE!”

Lucifer pops his head back on the palace roof, sticking it through a portal.
 
“Wanna come back, dark lord?”
 
His partner frowns at him.
 
“How many times have I demanded you stop comparing me to that noseless excuse for a villain?” 
 
“Seven. But then you go on an adorable long-winded rant about how spineless he is and I melt from how cute it is that you have so much to say about a children’s book series.”
 
Alastor wrinkles his nose, closing his mouth with a grunt.
 
“You’re the one who read it to me. It’s entirely your fault.”
 
“I have no regrets.” Lucifer said breezily. “Anyway, I had an idea.”
 
“What kind?”
 
“A good one!”
 
“That’s what you said about summoning snow into the lobby.”
 
Lucifer gasps in offense, placing a hand to his chest.
 
“How was I supposed to know it

melts?

”
 
“Why did you

think

there wasn’t any here?”
 
“Because it’s too fun and God hates the idea of me having a good time!”
 
Alastor finally laughs, taking Lucifer’s offered hand and following him back into his room.
 
“I suppose I can’t argue with that.”
 
Lucifer nodded in agreement.
 
“Nope!”
 
“So what’s your idea then?”
 
Lucifer cackles maliciously, rubbing his hands together.
 
“I like it already.” Alastor comments.

“Take the hat off.” His partner orders.
 
“But it’s my veil!” Lucifer said with a grin, waving the lace hanging from it for effect.
 
“It’s

ridiculous

is what it is.” Alastor says, raising an eyebrow as he plucks it off himself. They’re both wearing their wedding outfits, and of course they agreed there was an amount of critique necessary before the ceremony-of which would be taking place in around an hour. 
 
Lucifer had managed to drive off Alastor’s(many) broomspeople(‘what’s a broomsperson you ask??? Lucifer is delighted to tell you that it’s a brand-new-spetacular-king-of-hell-approved gender neutral term for both bridesmaids and groomsmen! Alastor had almost called off the wedding when he’d deemed it such, but it was printed on the invitations so

too late buster!

) to get him alone, so they were making a few last minute adjustments.
 
“You crush all my dreams.” Lucifer declared. 
 
“Love you too.” Alastor said flippantly. “So? Turn around.”
 
Lucifer is still grumbling as he obeys, revealing the open-back to his white suit. 
 
Alastor hummed for a moment, studying his golden scars.
 
“I have been appeased.” He said finally. Lucifer looks behind him and grins.
 
“High praise.” Lucifer nods at him. “You are also slightly-above-average looking.” 
 
Alastor bowed with a grin, popping the collar of his black suit. Red pinstripes lined it, golden buttons etched in the shapes of pentagrams. His hair is half-pulled back the way Rosie had first done it before Lucifer knew it could be curled, a black ribbon carefully tying it.
 
“So no notes?” He asks, clearly proud of himself.
 
“Oh, far from it.” Lucifer said with a snort. He circles him, humming pensively as he adjusts a few things. “No tail?”
 
“No tail.” He confirms.
 
Lucifer pauses in front of his partner, placing his hands on his hips and furrowing his brow. Then he gasps.
 
“What?” Alastor asked, looking down at himself in alarm.
 
“

Idea

!” Lucifer whispers excitedly. “Can you grow your horns?”
 
“I don’t know-

can

I?”
 
“Don’t go all English teacher on me when I’m being artistic.”
 
“Fine.” Alastor says with a roll of his eyes, letting his antlers expand to sharp points.
 
“A littttttle smaller?” Lucifer asks, putting his thumb and forefinger a inch away from each other.
 
Alastor obeys and he holds up his hands. 
 
“Good! Good, perfect!” Lucifer says, then snaps his fingers.
 
A moment later his antlers are coated in gold, making them resemble a crown.
 
Alastor’s eyes widened as he staggered under the weight, groaning.
 
“Your ‘idea’ is a migraine?” He asks sarcastically, head forced down.
 
“Oops! Too thick, one moment-”
 
Lucifer snapped again, and Alastor stood up straight.
 
“Boom! Gorgeous.” Lucifer declared with a delighted smile.
 
“What have you done?” Alastor asked, furrowing his brow as he tries to look up.
 
“I have made ART!” Lucifer said proudly.

“I swear to god, if you impaled rubber ducks on my antlers for decoration-”
 
Lucifer’s jaw dropped as he summoned a mirror, handing it to him.
 
“That is a

wonderful

idea!”
 
“No.”
 
“For my birthday?”
 
“No.”
 
“I cannot believe you pretend to care about me.”
 
Alastor doesn’t respond. He’s staring at himself, slowly reaching up to draw a claw over his antlers.
 
“...wow.” He mutters, studying them from a few more angles. Then he meets Lucifer’s gaze again. “That’s…different.”

“You look like a king.” Lucifer said with a nod, eyes crinkling happily. 
 
“I feel like one.” He said softly, smiling at him. They stare at each other gently for a moment.
 
Then Alastor cackles, flicking his wrist to vanish the mirror. 
 
“I WANNA START TAXING CITIZENS!” He shouts, placing his hands on his hips and beginning to strut around the room. “BETHANY, WHERE IS MY MOST

FAVOURITE

GUILLOTINE?”
 
“

What

?” Lucifer asks, startled into laughing.
 
“I DESIRE CRUMPETS!” Alastor orders no one, ignoring him.
 
“What the

fuck

are crumpets?”
 
“HOW AM

I

SUPPOSED TO KNOW, PEASANT?”
 
“You’re a king, your majesty!” Lucifer reminds him with a deep bow.

Alastor sticks his nose up in the air.
 
“I’M A

POLITICIAN

SWINE! I KNOW NOTHING!”
 
“Well I didn’t elect you!” Lucifer points out, furrowing his brow.
 
Alastor crosses his arms.
 
“I WAS ELECTED BY MY GREAT GRANDPAPPY WHO KILLED HALF THE COUNTRY IN HIS QUEST FOR ALLIGATOR DOMINATION!”

“That doesn’t make any sense!”
 
“

YOU

DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE!” Alastor declared, stamping his foot and looking to the side as though ordering a servant. “THIS MAN DETESTS ME! REMOVE HIM FROM MY SIGHT!”
 
“No! Please let me stay!” Lucifer begs as he falls to his knees dramatically. 
 
“ONLY IF YOU BRING BACK THE HEARTS OF MY ENEMIES!” 
 
“Your only enemy has been turned into a newt, sire!”
 
“I FAIL TO SEE THE ISSUE!”
 
There's a knock on the door, and Angel’s head pops in. He studies the scene for a moment with raised eyebrows and clears his throat.
 
“Look, whatever weird sex thing yer doing? Wrap it up. Everyone is freakin’ out cause the stars of the show ‘ain't there.”
 
“SEX HAS BEEN MENTIONED IN MY PRESENCE!” Alastor gasps, placing a hand to his mouth.
 
“UNCOUTH!” Lucifer agrees.
 
“THE DEATH PENALTY?”
 
“‘TIS ONLY FAIR!”
 
Angel looks between them, mouth open as though he can’t tell whether or not they’re being serious. A moment later Husk’s head appears beneath his.

“Angel, we’ve talked about this. You

need

to stop getting death penalties.” He says with a frown, looking up at the spider.
 
“HE HAST MENTIONED THE UNHOLY ACT!” Lucifer said, pointing a finger at him.
 
“You mean the marital act?”
 
Alastor and Lucifer both freeze, then look between each other.
 
“I REVOKE THAT PHRASE!” Alastor declared. “WRITE A PROCLAMATION, BETHANY!”
 
Lucifer nods before summoning a good-old-fashioned piece of parchment and a quill.
 
“I am horrified for our country’s future.” Husk states. “Be downstairs in five minutes or I’m bringing out the big guns.”
 
“YOU HAVE A

WEAPON

ON YOUR PERSON?” Alastor asks in aghast horror.
 
“Yes. Her name is Elizabeth and she’ll drag both of you by your ears downstairs.”
 
“Ah fuck, okay.” Lucifer says in a normal tone, breaking character immediately.
 
“We’ll be there.” Alastor agreed.
 
Husk nods and ducks out, Angel following a moment later.
 
Lucifer takes a deep breath in as he turns to face him, linking arms with his partner.
 
“So? Are you ready, my king?”

Alastor leans down and kisses him, pulling away with a smile.
 
“Absolutely.”
 
They both snap their fingers in unison, and a clone of each of them appears.
 
Lucifer looks at them with a big grin.
 
“Have fun, kids!” He says as he starts shoving his clone to the door. Luckily the outfits are replicated as well.
 
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Alastor tells his own with a nod.
 
“-And don’t forget about telling Charlie to-”
 
“Oh please-” The cloned Alastor says with a roll of his eyes. “I wouldn’t forget anything.”
 
“I would!” Lucifer 2.0 comments with a huge grin.
 
Alastor II frowns down at Lucifer II.
 
“Do I

have

to marry him?” 
 
“Yes.” OG Alastor says firmly. “And it will be the best decision of your life.”
 
The Lucifer beside him turns bright gold.
 
“AAHDFUH” He declares in surprised delight.
 
“Well of course.” The New And Improved Alastor says, raising an eyebrow. “We are historically bad at making decisions. A mediocre one is incredible with our track record.”
 
Alastor shoves him towards the door.
 
“Go and be less awful.” He tells him. “It’s your wedding day.”
 
“Yeah!” Clone Lucifer agrees. “We can be chhheeerfulll!”
 
“I only enjoy being cheerful at other’s expense.” Clone Alastor informs him as they walk out the door.
 
“We could sing a song!”
 
“I don’t-”
 
“

Please

!”
 
“I will permit

one

.”
 
“Nope, 666! That’s my lucky number!”
 
“There is most definitely not enough time to-”
 
“

WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA

-”
 
Alastor closes the door behind them, looking bewildered.
 
“Am I

that

terrible to be around?” He asks Lucifer, actually seeming troubled.
 
“Aw, of course not sweetheart.” Lucifer consoles, taking his hand. “I wrote a whole

essay

of vows, you’ll see!”

Alastor blinks in surprise.
 
“I may spare you from your beheading.” He muses.
 
“You sap.” Lucifer says with a giggle, twirling his hair. 
 
Then he shakes himself, spinning into his hellhound form.
 
“So which one are ya doing?” He asks Alastor, his tail already wagging. “Imp? Imp? Imp is the right answer.”
 
Alastor wrinkles his nose at him.
 
“You are far too used to me being a lesser species.”
 
“Fuck no! You’re just short and cute and you have lil’ horns-”
 
“Goodness gracious, fine then!” Alastor concedes, and he is engulfed in shadows. A moment later he reappears as a hellborne. He’s a dark red color, little white freckles dotting his face that resemble Elizabeth’s. He straightens his jacket with a sigh. “Happy?”
 
“De

light

ed.” Lucifer corrects, picking him up without hesitation and sticking him on his shoulder. His partner’s tail wraps around his arm, striped with white.
 
“Then let’s go attend our wedding.” 
   
“Charlie!” Her dad shouts, coming up from behind her. He’s wearing his wedding suit and looks

incredible.

“I have a few last-minute guests for ya!”
 
“How many is ‘a few’?” Vaggie asked, pulling out the list and studying it carefully. Charlie looks over her shoulder. It’s a

very

long list. They were lucky that the sins had put an enlargement charm on the field outside.

“Two.” Alastor elaborates, standing beside his spouse. 
 
“Oh, okay! I bet we can squeeze them by the Angels.” Charlie says, cupping her hands over her mouth to yell. “TWO EXTRA CHAIRS ON TABLE FOUR.”
 
“Yes ma’am!” Uncle Ozzy shouts from outside. Her grandmas had put all the sins to work without hesitation.
 
“Names?” Vaggie asked, pulling a pen out from behind her ear. God she was sexy when she was planning things. 
 
“Arnold and Lord Hugo the Seventeenth.” Alastor said with a straight face.
 
“They’re old friends of mine.” Her dad added.

“I can imagine.” Vaggie said with a shake of her head.
 
“How are you guys feeling?” Charlie asks her dads with a big smile. “Excited?”
 
“YES!” Lucifer said, practically vibrating.
 
“I am.” Father agreed. “I feel as though everything has gone so quickly.”
 
Lucifer took his spouse’s arm.
 
“Agreed!” He said, then he jumped as though remembering something. “Oh, and I’m supposed to ask-I mean-how are

you

feeling?”
 
“It’s sorta weird…” Charlie says with a little nervous laugh.
 
Her dad’s gaze suddenly becomes softer, more grounded.
 
“Is it an okay weird?”
  
Alastor blinks as Lucifer closes his eyes, nudging him. They were standing in line to sit down, Alastor still on his partner’s shoulder.
 
“What’re you doing?”
 
“I’m possessing Lucifer 2.0” He mutters. “No way am I letting that scatterbrain accidentally ruin my relationship with Char.”
 
“

Really?

” Alastor asks excitedly. “How? I’ve always wanted to possess people!”
 
“Just follow the thread of magic towards your clone and push your way in.” Lucifer says.

“That’s unhelpful!”
 
“It makes sense if you try it.”
 
Alastor, still feeling dubious, closes his eyes and finds the red string connecting him to the other Alastor, slowly tracing it to the lobby. A moment later he opens his eyes and watches as Charlie smiles.
 
“-It’s a good weird.” She agreed.
 
“All of this family is.” Lucifer said from Alastor’s arm. “I’m really excited to have this asshole as my king, Charlie.”
 
“I will make horribly unjust laws! There will be rioting in the streets! The pride ring shall

truly

know anarchy!” Alastor says excitedly from his clone’s mouth.
 
“Aw, Father-” His daughter says happily, hugging him. “-I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
 
“Nor would I.” Alastor says, then retracts back to himself, giving hellhound Lucifer a smile. 
 
“Dream achieved?” His partner asked.
 
“Dream achieved.” Alastor agrees, leaning against his fluffy head. “You make a better pillow as a golden retriever.” He observed.
 
His partner nodded.

“Yup. Everyone says that.”
 
“Really?”
 
Lucifer snorts.
 
“Of course not! That’s so weird!”

Before long, they’ve been seated beside all of the angels. Lucifer is able to stay mostly unsuspicious, though shaking his brother’s hands instead of hugging had looked quite difficult for him.
 
“So how do you two know Luci?” Gabriel asks from the other side of the table. He’s wearing a white suit with purple trim, little embroidered eyes lining the lapel.
 
Alastor shrugged.
 
“He comes to me for advice.”
 
“Really?” Raphael snorts in disbelief. “What do

you

have to teach him?”
 
Alastor studies his long red claws casually.
 
“Stocks.” He says flippantly.
 
Lucifer laughs, brow furrowing in confusion as he crosses his arms.
 
“What?”
 
“And cat care.”
 
“Oh yeah, he needs help with that.”
 
“And

you

?” Micheal asks Lucifer suspiciously. “How do

you

know my dear brother?”
 
His partner jumps.
 
“Oh! I was his duck breeder!”
 
Micheal frowned.
 
“

What

ducks?”
 
Lucifer lights up, his eyes getting that cute little sparkle that he only gets when he’s talking about things he adores. 
 
“He had these

adorable

little fuzzy-wuzzies back in the fifteen-hundreds, and he didn’t know how to breed them! Of course, since they’re the best animal on earth, he needed to-”
 
“

Lucifer?

” Micheal asks, his jaw dropping in amazement.
 
They both freeze-well that was quick.
 
Then Uriel lets out an easy laugh.
 
“Yes Micheal, that

is

who Lord Hugo is talking about.”
 
“Did you really think it could be anyone else?” Gabriel asks with a snort.
 
Micheal gives the hellhound an incredulous look.
 
“Why in the world did you infiltrate your own

wedding?

”
 
Alastor and Lucifer both exchange glances, and then Raphael raises an eyebrow.
 
“Uh…Michael? What’re you talking about?”
 
“That’s Lucifer!” He says, pointing at him. Alastor’s partner freezes, looking guilty. Goodness, wasn’t he supposed to be the king of lies? This was pitiful.
 
The entire table is silent for a moment.
 
Then Raphael frowns at him.
 
“Micheal…”
 
Gabe gently takes his hand.
 
“...Do you need more sleep?” He finishes kindly, brow knitted in concern.
 
“What?! No! I just-”
 
“Excuse him.” Uriel interrupts, looking at them both apologetically. “He’s a workaholic.”
 
“I bet he’s hallucinating.” Raphael agrees, patting him on the head. “Wanna see if Belphegor has anything to help buddy?”
 
Micheal shoves him off.
 
“I AM

NOT

HALLUCINATING. THAT IS LUCIFER IN DISGUISE!”
 
Uriel sighs, pointing at the empty altar.
 
“No Michael, Lucifer’s getting married, remember?”
 
“NO-I-it-you-”
 
“Shh, it’s okay.” Raphael tells him gently. “Just keep it together for a minute longer.”
 
“I’ll see if Charlie can find you a bed after the ceremony.” Gabe agrees.
 
Micheal looks between his brothers in dismay. Then he took a deep breath, trying one last time.
 
“Brothers. That hellhound is Lucifer. He’s a shapeshifter. That’s him.” 
 
His brothers all ignore him, turning back.
 
“So where are the ducks now Hugo?” Uriel asks, pointedly changing the subject. Micheal’s jaw drops in disbelief.
 
Lucifer shakes himself before nodding.
 
“Oh! There was an escape. There will be sightings every now and then, but nothing more.”
 
“Yup. Kinda like the Where's Waldo of hell.” Alastor agreed.
 
“What a shame.” Gabe said with a frown. “Do you think that would be a good wedding gift? A few new ones for him?”
 
Lucifer lights up, his tail wagging as he leans forward.
 
“

Yes

!” He says vehemently. Alastor sighs beside him.
 
“Must you? The hyperfixation is quite strong in him.”
 
“The hyperfixation is not strong

enough!

”
 
“SEE???” Micheal practically screams. His brothers all shush him in unison.
 
“I’ll see what I can do.” Uriel concedes with a smile at the hellhound.
 
Micheal bangs his head on the table, groaning in anguish.
 
“Micheal, relax. The wedding’s about to start!”
 
“I bet it’ll be with a clone because neither of them wanted to do this.” Micheal commented, though he didn’t look up.
 
“You and your conspiracies.” Gabe said with a fond shake of his head.
 
A moment later, the whole crowd of broomspeople(Alastor doesn’t want to talk about it) begin walking down the aisle. It was almost

unnecessary

how many of them there ended up being, but eventually Alastor had given up and just started accepting everyone who wanted to take part. The archangels had decided not to be included purely on the basis that they knew they’d take a lot of attention and on the fact that they wanted to wear white. 
 
So instead of listing everyone who was standing beside the altar, let’s just say who was sitting down:
 
The Overlords(Excluding Rosie. She’d won the maid of honor brawls in the end.)
The Hotel Residents(80% were there for the food)
His Mother’s heaven friends(All of whom were gossiping.)
A few Goetia and Hellborne
Tom Trench and Katie Killjoy
Wait
Hold up
 
“Lucifer?” Alastor muttered to him. “Why the fuck did you invite news anchors to our wedding?”
 
“Did I?” His partner whispered back with a furrowed brow, gazing around until he found them. “God

damnit.

Is something going to happen you think?”
 
“I don’t kn-”
 
They were interrupted by Alastor’s clone walking down the aisle. He was striding confidently, his smile a bit more gentle than usual as he kept his eyes forward.

“Damn, he looks spectacular.” Lucifer said with a nod, making Alastor blush a little. Luckily you could barely tell when he was in imp form.
 
“How’d they decide who would walk down the aisle?” Uriel muttered.
 
“Rock paper scissors.” Alastor answered.
 
“How do you know?” Gabe asked with a raised eyebrow, tilting his head.
 
“Oh you are

so lucky

that I have respect for weddings, or else I’d be losing my

mind.

” Micheal grumbled.
 
“You already are dear.” Raphael told him.
   
Then it was Lucifer 2.0’s turn. The entire audience stood to their feet as he walked down arm-and-arm with Charlie, still looking bubbly and excited. Lucifer resisted a sigh. As much as he adored his clones, they always tended to be very one-emotion-only. 
 
Finally, Charlie gave him away and he joined hands with Alastor, giving Asmoduous a nod.
 
“Ahem!” Lust cleared his throat, and everyone sat. “We are gathered here today to witness a most unholy matrimony between the devil and a serial killer-”
 
“Oh dear lord.” Alastor said with a soft snort, placing a hand to his forehead. Lucifer laughed as he picked him up again, setting him on his lap.
 
“Can you see better Arnold?” He muttered to him.
 
“Oh thank you, my beautiful Hugo.” Alastor said sappily, and they both giggled.
 
“SHH!” Gabe scolded them both, and they froze as they paid attention again.
 
“-Alastor Walton, are there any words you’d like to say?” Asmodeous finished.
 
The clone straightened his tie, clearing his throat.
 
“I feel that words are unable to express my devotion…” He began, much to the ‘aw’s’ of everyone in the crowd.
 
Lucifer clicked his tongue in disapproval, leaning down to mutter in Alastor’s ear.
 
“Unoriginal.”
 
Alastor tapped him on the nose.
 
“Please, you’ll be bright gold when I tell you my real ones, dear.”
 
“Can’t wait.”
 
Alastor 2.0 continued.
 
“It’s strange…how much clearer everything seems to be when I’m with you. It’s all just so wonderful.” He gave Lucifer’s clone a gentle smile. “What I’d like to say, really, is thank you. And know that I shall try my best to make you just as happy as you’ve made me.”
 
“Okay that was kinda cute.” The hellhound admitted.
 
“See?”
 
“Lucifer, is there anything you have?”
 
Lucifer’s clone took a breath, wiping a tear from his eye.

“Alastor?” He looked up at him lovingly. “I would trade every duck in the world for you.”
 
“You’re ridiculous.” Both the clone and Alastor say in unison.
 
“But I’m

interesting!

” The Lucifers point out.
 
Ozzie cleared his throat, still attempting to keep the wedding on the rails.
 
“That’s great Luci. Now, Alastor. Do you swear to love and cherish Lucifer forever-or at least as long as this matrimony lasts? In all seven rings and beyond?”
 
The clone nods, squeezing Lucifer 2.0’s hands.
 
“I do.”
 
“And do you, Lucifer-”
 
Ozzie cuts himself off as someone walks into the field.
 
“Oh…fuck.” Lust mutters.
 
Lilith stands tall at the end of the aisle, her horns gleaming in the sunlight. A smile shines cruelly on her face.
 
“I. Object.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Lucifer had a very normal reaction to Lilith’s arrival.
 
That being laughing.
 
Hysterically.
 
Alastor looked up at him for a moment, mouth open, before he realized what his partner was thinking.
 
Lilith had made one fatal flaw in her plan.
 
She’d said this in the middle of a room of some of the biggest supporters of their romance in all three realms.
 
Not to mention most-if not all-of these individuals were not at all afraid to use violence to fix their problems.
 
She didn’t seem to notice as every face in the room turned towards her, eyes sparking and extra limbs sprouting and snarls taking over each one as the clinking sound of weapons being drawn drowned out the silence.
 
Instead, she was staring at Lucifer’s clone expectantly.
 
“Well? Are you going to ask why?”

Micheal, who was now standing on the table let out an angry bird screech. He had his wings spread, his pupils narrowing into slits as extra eyes opened along each feather.
 
“CHARGE!!!” He shouted, and a moment later the frenzy began.
 
Lilith groaned, dodging a few thrown axes and catching another with a sigh.
 
“Please, let’s be reasonable.”
 
She deflected a few bombs with the head of the axe, snagging a dagger midair.
 
“Lulu, why the hell didn’t you have everyone drop off their weapons at the door?” She critiqued, frowning.
 
Lucifer had his legs crossed, his arms crossed behind his back as he enjoyed the show. His dog face was still amused.
 
“I thought it’d be unnecessary.”
 
“AND NOW I GET TO DO

THIS

!” Beelzebub snarled, summoning and throwing an absolutely

giant

apple pie at her. “TAKE DIABETES FUCKER!!!!””
 
Lilith rolled her eyes, sidestepping away from the danger pastry’s path and twirling around a few rageful archangels.
 
“Okay, fine. I get it. You all hate me.”
 
“I HOPE YOU ROT IN HEAVEN!!!” Mammon screamed from his full demon form. It seemed that Greed would support Lucifer when it came to a true confrontation.
 
“Lucifer, control your creatures.” Lilith ordered.
 
The hellhounde closed his eyes, and the clone cleared his throat. His hands were still joined with Alastor’s.
 
“Lilith, I’m

literally

in the middle of getting married. Could this maybe wait like-” He gave the other clone a glance. “Thirty seconds?”
 
Alastor’s clone nodded, now being possessed as well.
 
“Fifteen should do it, your majesty.”
 
Lucifer’s jaw dropped at Alastor’s title. He almost looked impressed.
 
“At the

altar?!

” He asked, aghast.
 
Alastor shrugged with the clone’s shoulders.
 
“I don’t make the rules. I’m just about to be the king of hell.”
 
“Ah fuck it.” Lucifer cleared his throat. “I now pronounce us wedded monarchs. I may now kiss the bellhop.”
 
He opened his eyes in his hellhounde form, Alastor jumping back to his own body as well. The dog gave him a grin as the clones solidified their marriage. Everyone began cheering excitedly, leaving Lilith to stand there dejected and slightly confused.
 
“See? It went so well!”
 
“You literally married us.”
 
Lucifer waved a paw dismissively.
 
“Please, it only makes sense. I’m the highest authority here, after all.”

Alastor nudged him, smile growing.
 
“

Second

highest.”
 
Lucifer raised his eyebrows, setting Alastor back on his shoulder as he stood to his feet.
 
“Oh? Are you feeling very important, bellhop?”
 
“I’m not

feeling

important. I

am

important.” Alastor corrected as Lucifer carried him, slipping through the crowd with practiced ease before arriving in front of his ex. Micheal was still staring at her with around a hundred pissed-off eyes, his wings spread to keep her right where she was.
 
“Well you’ve always been important to me.” Lucifer told him sappily as he put him back on the ground.
 
“I know. I’m the most important thing to happen to you in the last three centuries.”
 
“Hm. Probably seven, but sure.”
 
“You both are

terrible

at hiding this.” Micheal told them both, his gaze not straying.
 
“What do you mean? Maybe Lord Hugo the 17th has a

huge

crush on the cute finance imp.” Lucifer shrugged. “You never know!”
 
“Bullshit!” Micheal said, brow furrowing. “And I

need

you two to change back in front of our brothers, their brains will melt with your illusions.”
 
Alastor crossed his arms, his grin wide as he appraised his partner’s ex. He couldn’t help but feel his tail swish protectively.
 
“Hm. Perhaps!”
 
“No. Not ‘

perhaps’-

”
 
“We’ll talk later, Micheal.” Lucifer interrupted, placing a gentle paw on his arm before eyeing Lilith. “I have to have a quick chat.”
 
Lilith was squinting at him, tilting her head.
 
“...Lucifer? Why are you in a disguise? And-” Her eyes landed on Alastor before her lip curled with disgust. “-This must be your new bride.”
 
“I prefer new ‘purpose in life’.” Alastor said, his grin sharpening. “But sure.”
 
Lucifer snorted, but he didn’t argue.
 
“We got her from here, Micheal.”
 
“You sure? It

is

your wedding day, you’re allowed to just be like ‘fuck you’! And push her through a portal as all of hell cheers and all of heaven groans.”
 
Both Alastor and Lucifer turned to face the archangel, and he shuffled, a little embarrassed.
 
“I’ve been imagining this moment for a while.”
 
“Okay, I’ll call you over and we’ll execute that plan.”
 
Micheal gave him a quick hug.

“I almost forgive you for making me seem insane.”
 
“Aw, true brotherly love.”
 
Micheal gave Lilith a final threatening glance before returning to the archangel crowd, and Alastor could hear them talking about giving Micheal melatonin already.
 
“You are going to

sleep.

” Uriel told him, immediately picking him up like a rambunctious toddler.
 
“I slept like

twenty hours

last week.” Micheal complained as they all followed Charlie inside, presumably to a bed.
 
“So? Lilith?” Lucifer asked, pulling Alastor’s ears back to the situation at hand. His arms were crossed, his eyebrow raised. “You have my attention.”
 
She sighed.

“I was really hoping to have your attention

before

you entered matrimony again.”
 
“I got that. I also don’t particularly care. State your case.”
 
Lilith took a breath before biting her lip.

“I want to return to hell.”
 
Alastor cackled.
 
“No!” He said as Lucifer’s shoulder’s dropped, his eyes widening.
 
“Now?” He asked at the same time.
 
“Yes.” Lilith answered him, not sparing Alastor even a glance.  “I’ve been advised to repair bridges.”
 
Lucifer paused, his entire posture tightening as he looked away.
 
“Lilith…I’m sorry, but I have no interest in that. You-you’re welcome to ask Charlie, but I’d rather be left alone.”
 
“Lu. Don’t be like that.” Lilith said, her gaze narrowing. Alastor’s hands clenched into fists, his tail swishing faster. “You know this is too fast. You’re older than time. You can’t seriously think this will last.”
 
Lucifer was still trying, though Alastor would have gladly impaled the woman like a kebab. 
 
“It doesn’t need to. But we’ve agreed it’s what we want right now.”
 
“What about Charlie then?”

Oh you

motherfucker.

Bringing up his daughter to manipulate him? Despicable! Yes, it

is

how Alastor and Lucifer had met,

why do you ask?

His partner was still staying strong though, gaze clear and sure despite his rapidly crumbling expression.
 
“She’s happy with this. She’s one of the broomspeople.”
 
Lilith frowned.
 
“You don’t think she did this just to make you not worry?”

Strong independent devil. Lucifer is a strong independent devil.

Alastor repeated to himself, keeping quiet.
 
“I-”
 
Lilith interrupted him.

Strong independent devil.

“You know her, you know how quickly she’d choose you over herself. Same as you would.”
 
“Right. And you don't.” Lucifer pointed out.
 
“Yes, and that’s a mistake on my part.” Lilith agreed. “But you don’t know if you want this Lu.”
 
“I

do!

” Lucifer is visibly upset now.

Strong. Independent. Devil.

“See how quickly your emotions change? You can’t trust yourself, Lu.”

STRONG. INDEPENDENT-

“Help?” Lucifer whimpered softly with a glance towards him, and Alastor’s mind abruptly stopped. He changed back to his regular sinner form without much trouble, the clearing was empty at this point anyway.
 
He snarled, demon form emerging immediately as he gives Lilith a horrifyingly wide smile.
 
“Step

away

from my husband.” He hissed, radio static flickering in the air around him. A moment later she’s pushed away a few yards, magic shoving her backwards. 
 
“Stay out of this, sinner.” She growled back.
 
“

You

stay out of this.” Alastor ordered in response, horns sharpening as they grew with his anger. “He said

no,

Lilith. Period. End of story.”
 
His eyes click into radio dials.
 
“You clearly need a therapy session on

consent

. Now leave.”
 
“He said Char-”
 
“Another day.” Alastor said decisively, and Lucifer gave him a nod of agreement. “

MICHEAL!

”
 
A moment later, the archangel crashes through a window, his wings flapping wildly to steady himself as he summons a portal behind Lilith.
 
“YAAAAY!” He screams excitedly, diving towards her at top speed.

They’re arm and arm in their disguises as they walk back into the hotel where everyone’s gathered for the true appeal of weddings-food.
 
“That wasn’t too far, was it?” Alastor asked, looking up at Lucifer.
 
The hellhounde gave him a relieved sigh.
 
“I really appreciated it all, thanks. I just-”
 
Alastor put up a hand.

“No need to justify yourself,

caneton.

” He interrupted gently.
 
He suddenly achieved weightlessness as Lucifer picked him up in a tight hug.
 
“I love you.”
 
“Yes, I assumed.” Alastor said flatly, managing to not snuggle into the fluff. He sort of understood his partner’s adoration of floof now.
 
“I’m going to find you the most maggoty venison ever.”

“Aaaand it was confirmed.” Alastor said with a cackle as Lucifer put him on his shoulder again and got in line. They were behind Husk and Nifty, who were standing in a similar fashion. Nifty craned her neck to look back.
 
“Hi sir!” She said excitedly.
 
Alastor looked at her in bemusement as Husk jumped hilariously, swinging his head around.
 
“Where?”
 
“How in the

world?

” Alastor asked her, at a loss as Lucifer blinked in confusion.
 
“Why are you sitting on a dog?” The cyclops asked.
 
“Nif, what’re you

talking

about?” The cat asked, squinting behind them.
 
“How does it feel to be married? Is it scary?”
 
“Are you

actually

having hallucinations?” 
 
“Is it our deal, dear?” Alastor asked, ignoring her question.
 
“Look! A bug!” Nifty gasped, hopping off Husk’s shoulder and onto the tables. Lucifer snapped his fingers and the bug immediately ran onto the floor, Nifty in vengeful pursuit.
 
“Crisis averted.” Lucifer declared, handing Alastor a plate and beginning to fill up the first with all of the meat he could find. Beelzebub had certainly outdone herself, the array of dishes was quite impressive.
 
A moment later, a goetia sighs behind them.
 
“I suppose I should stop assuming anyone will have anything palatable.” A tall bird with a top hat sighs. He taps Lucifer on the shoulder. “Do you have any idea if there’s a rat infestation within the hotel?”
 
“Oh god, I’m sorry! I totally forgot I invited goetia.” Lucifer apologizes with a laugh, snapping his fingers. A moment later the plate he’s holding is filled with koi.
 
The bird’s beak drops as he stares at the food in wide eyed surprise.
 
Lucifer clears his throat.
 
“Er…do you prefer vole?”
 
The goetia enters into a deep bow, pressing his hat to his chest.
 
“My name is Stolas, gracious hellhound, and you have now earned my undying loyalty.”
 
“Oh dear.” Lucifer said, looking amused.
 
“You really must stop doing that.” Alastor commented as Lucifer switched the meat laden plate with the empty one in his hands.
 
“I haven’t had a proper meal in

ages

, you must understand.” The goetia continues.
 
“Oh? Why?” Lucifer asks as he takes the biggest pancakes possible and adds his custom heinous amounts of sugar with a quick snap. He beckons Stolas to follow them as he sits at a random table. Alastor hops off his shoulder with a satisfied hum, content to witness the royalty drama for the moment. Before long he’d

be

the royalty drama, after all.
 
“I was recently stripped of my title. In fact, I was quite surprised that I received an invitation at all!” Stolas said with a self-deprecating hoot.
 
Lucifer blinks, brow furrowing as he tilts his head at the bird.
 
“What do you mean by ‘recent’? Last hundred years?”
 
“Oh-three, good hellhound.”
 
Lucifer stares at him.
 
Then clears his throat.
 
“

SATAN.

” He shouts, and his voice takes on a tone much like Alastor’s own mother when he brought alligators home(Don’t ask.)
 
The sin slowly emerges from the crowd, looking incredibly nervous. Stolas stands to bow immediately, giving Alastor a glance when he doesn’t follow suit. Alastor ignores him and takes a bite of his venison.
 
“Er…Hi Lulu.”
 
“Don’t ‘Hi Lulu’ me!” Lucifer said, crossing his arms and giving him a look of disappointment.
 
“Uh…Hey Lucifer?”
 
Stolas slowly turns his head 180 degrees, staring at the hellhounde.

“Lucifer?”

He repeats, looking like he doesn’t quite know how low he has to bow to warrant meeting the king of hell.
 
Also, their cover is completely blown. Shit.
 
Alastor makes his clone wave and snag Lucifer’s clone away, making sure people only know about

one

couple at a time. As far as they know, they just changed forms for no reason.
 
Lucifer is still talking.
 
“-You know I hate bringing work into this, but what’s this I hear about Stolas?”
 
Satan furrows his brow, scanning the bird for a long moment.
 
“Oh right! The mastermind!”
 
“What?”

“Singing. Decapitation. Hearts broken. Yadda yadda, don’t worry about it.”
 
Lucifer looked entirely and completely worried about it. Alastor didn’t particularly appreciate how much he had looked like that on a day like today, but hey-productivity was romantic…right?

“I thought we took care of all your crazy power-tripping cases!” Lucifer exclaimed, glancing at Alastor for confirmation. “Didn’t we?”
 
Ah yes. The Satan trials. Lucifer had told him that he thought it was a way for the sin to cope-taking control where Lucifer was absent. Of course, he was a terribly theatrical judge, and that combined with his biases ended up with a lot of unfair results.
 
“We did. Went through all of the insane ones. Tried to remove the classism.” He shrugged. “Minimal success, but in the least we paid anyone who’d gone through particularly awful pains.”
 
“Well this pain seems particularly awful!” Lucifer declared, gesturing at Stolas.
 
“I second that.” The goetia agreed, though he still looked fairly terrified.
 
“I think he gave his grimoire to an imp, right? Like…” He furrowed his brow at Alastor. “Was it this one?”
 
Alastor raised an eyebrow.
 
“Don’t go accusing people, Wrath.”
 
“It was Blitzo!” Stolas declared. “THE O IS SILENT!”
 
Everyone turned to stare at him, and he froze.
 
“I mean…uh-grimoire? What grimoire? I-er-don’t even know what that is!” 
 
No one spoke, and he continued to ramble.
 
“It…must be a fancy book! Not that I would know. Not that I-erm-own books at all!”
 
Satan tilted his head.
 
“I am illiterate!” Stolas claimed decisively.
 
Lucifer placed a hand on his arm.
 
“Eat your koi.” He advised.
 
Stolas turned dejectedly back to his plate, and Lucifer cleared his throat.
 
“So! What’s Stolas’s crime?”
 
“He traded a grimoire for sex.” Ozzie said, studying his nails. “Also, for the record, he is not illiterate.”
 
Alastor wrinkled his nose.

“What a

terrible

deal.”

“Blitzo was worth it…” Stolas said with a wistful sigh, a sappy look moving over his face. “Still is, honestly. Even after two years…I don’t regret my choice nearly as much as I should.”
 
“See!” Satan said, waving his talons at the goetia. “He’s fine!”
 
The bird’s expression changed immediately to one of anger.
 
“I am

not!

I was forced to leave my daughter with my crazy ex!”

“Ex?” Lucifer repeated.
 
“Yes! She is quite awful, but I divorced her! I then left her for a lower class, bright red man with a rather large height difference between us!”
 
Lucifer and Alastor exchanged glances, and his partner cleared his throat.
 
“Satan, I think Stolas is my bestie now.”

Wrath’s jaw dropped, and the goetia let out a surprised hoot.

“Wait-” He began.
 
“I have a library with hundreds of volumes dating back to the beginning of time.”
 
“-I agree.” Stolas said abruptly. “Yes. We are.”
 
Lucifer sealed this decision with a high five, of which Stolas looked so overwhelmed that he might be about to faint.
 
“Anyway!” Lucifer continued, turning away as Stolas fell face first onto the table, giving a thumbs up to show he was still alive. “I’ll be reinstating his status.”
 
“Good.” Bee said with a smile.
 
“Yeah, alright.” Satan said with a little shrug. “Can I return to not thinking about this?”
 
“Not quite. You need to give me the grimoire details with Blitz-no-o.”
 
“He has an assassin business. He kills people on earth by using the grimoire as a portal.”  
 
Lucifer’s jaw dropped.
 
“Dear god,

Stolas!

”
 
“He gave me cute eyes, your majesty!”
 
“Fuck!”
 
“My thoughts exactly, your majesty!”
 
“Will we always commit war crimes for them?”
 
“I assume so, your majesty!”
 
Lucifer nodded decidedly.
 
“My bestie is pardoned of all crimes.”
 
Alastor tilted his head.

“That…is so entirely unfair.”
 
Lucifer shrugged.
 
“I don’t make the rules.”
 
“You literally do.”

“Nope!

You

do! It’s all

your

fault, sir!” Lucifer told him with a sweet grin.
 
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
 
“Alastor, I hereby announce you are the new law.”

“I’m a what-now?”

“You’re hell’s judge throughout all seven rings.” Bee clarified. 
 
“So…ultimate power?”
 
“...yes?” Stolas answered tentatively.
 
Alastor launched into a cackling fit.
 
“Goodness, will it ever be enough for you?” Lucifer asked with a fond shake of his head as Alastor laughed maniacally into the sky. “You can already newt all your enemies!”
 
Alastor abruptly cut his cackle off, giving his partner a disgruntled look.
 
“Will you ever let that go?”
 
“No. It was the best thing I’ve seen in years.”
 
“LUCI!” Micheal shouted, diving back through another window.
 
“Micheal, glass is expensive.” His partner lectured as the archangel shook shards from his wings. Alastor wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen Micheal so invigorated.
 
“You know what’s

also

expensive??? The price of being

right!

” Micheal declared loudly, raising his wings as he whistled for his brothers.
 
They flocked towards him a few moments later, all holding paper plates.
 
“See? You look happier already!” Gabriel told him with a smile.
 
“Naptime truly is the secret weapon.” Raphael agreed.
 
“I think we need to put him down more often.” Uriel mused.
 
“I’M FINE!” Micheal claimed, looking entirely insane as he placed his hands on his hips. He waved at the hellhounde. “LUCIFER! REVEAL YOURSELF!”
 
“Damn, put me on the spot, why don’t you.” Lucifer grumbled, though he switched back to his human form with a quick display of jazz hands. “Ta-dah!”
 
Unfortunately, none of them saw it.
 
They had been grabbed hold by collective hyperfocus. Alastor knew the expression well.
 
The archangels were all huddled around a cannibalism pancake, squinting at it curiously and ignoring what was happening.
 
“Do we eat it?”
 
“I don’t know if they’d let us back home if we did.”
 
“But is it

worth it?

”
 
“Raphael. No.”
 
Micheal’s jaw dropped.
 
“Guys! Pay attention!”
 
They all jumped.
 
“Oop! Sorry Michael.” Gabe said apologetically. Then he glanced over at Lucifer. “Hi Luci!”
 
He grinned.
 
“Hey.”
 
“See Micheal,

still

not a dog!” Raphael said with a laugh, giving his brother a playful noogie.
 
Micheal seemed to have lost his will to live as he sank to his knees, surrounded by broken glass and oblivious brothers.
 
“Life is meaningless.” He said, staring at his hands. “Reality is only a figment of chance.”
 
“C'mon Michael! No need to disguise your embarrassment!” Uriel said with a comforting smile. “We all get confused sometimes.”
   
Micheal stares right at the camera, breaking the fourth wall. His blue eyes glare into the reader’s soul as he speaks directly to you.
 
“Are you happy now? Look what you’ve done.”
 
“Uhh…Micheal?”
 
The archangel cuts the interrupter  off with a raised hand. He doesn’t move his gaze. You feel as though you and your desires have shattered him, his soul broken into hundreds of pieces. Much like the two windows he’s dove through in the past hour.
 
“I’ll forever be known as the crazy one among my kin. And it is all due to your joy in my suffering.”
 
“Why are you talking directly into a wall?”
 
Micheal ignores him. He is only speaking to you now. You realize this is probably doing further damage to his brother’s perception of his mental state.
 
“Is this what humanity has come to? A running joke in which one man’s life is ruined for the sake of a few laughs?”
 
Lucifer clears his throat, tapping Micheal on the shoulder. He gives you an apologetic smile.
 
“Hey, you’re probably bumming them out.”
 
“Dear fucking god, we need group naptime.” Uriel says.
 
“I deserve to defend myself.” Micheal declared. You are entirely unsure whether or not you agree. This is getting slightly concerning. Do they

know

that you’re watching them? That their reality is actually a screen with words?
 
But then, how would you define your

own

reality?
 
You pause. Look away from your phone, and speak directly into the fourth wall-
   
Lucifer stands up straight and speaks to the archangels, deciding to end Micheal’s misery once and for all.
 
He snaps his fingers to get his brother's attention, then spins into hellhound form.
 
“Hello!” He says with a bow. “Michael was right!”
 
All of the archangels' jaws drop in unison.
 
“Oh-“
 
“My-“
 
“

Fucking

-“
 
“God.”
 
Micheal stands to his feet.
 
Clears his throat.
 
And summons a Glockenspiel.
 
Every angel in the room groans.
 
“SILENCE.” He orders, lighting cracking behind him. Then he readies his playing sticks. “This is a thirteen minute song I wrote titled ‘I told you so’.”
 
The archangels all sigh.
 
“Do we have to listen to

all of it?

” Gabe asked.
 
“Yes.”
 
“Lucifer!” Rosie calls as she runs towards him, ignoring the glockenspiel-playing angel. Taking his paw and pulling him up, she furrows her brow. “Why are you a dog? It’s time for the flower toss!”
 
“You mean the duck yeeting?” Lucifer asked casually, snapping his fingers to revert to his regular form.
 
Rosie frowned at him.
 
“Wait, what?”
 
Alastor laughed, putting a hand to his face.
 
“He didn’t tell you?” He asked as Lucifer summoned a giant duck plush-he’d called it a squish mallow, which had made it

sound

like it was edible. So the amount of giggling he’d done when Alastor had discovered this was not the case was

entirely

unfair.
 
“

No.

What?”
 
“I’m going to throw this into the crowd instead. Whoever catches it will be the next to commit arson.”
 
“-or eat another human.” Alastor added, summoning his own giant alligator. His was much larger than Lucifer’s, which he’d bragged about extensively. 
 
Stolas blinked.
 
“How gruesome.”
 
Lucifer grinned at him.
 
“You in?”
 
The goetia daintily dabbed at his beak before speaking.
 
“Of course.”
 
And they all merrily skipped off to throw things at their loved ones.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Alastor stared at his husband.
 
“Lucifer.”
 
“Hm?”
 
“What are you doing?”
 
“We will

not

have an empty wedding bellhop. Not on my watch.”
 
“You are putting a bowtie on Skrungle.”
 
“

Isn’t he so handsome?

” Lucifer asked excitedly as he finished tying it. 
 
Alastor cleared his throat, barely stifling a ‘

YES

’.

“You’d better have a-”
 
Lucifer summoned a tiny top hat before he could finish speaking, placing it on the alligator’s head and making it stick with magic.
 
“BEHOLD OUR CHILDREN.” He declared, presenting the three sharply-dressed reptiles like they were the main event of the night. They all gave him adorable toothy smiles.
 
Alastor frowned.
 
“Don’t call them that.”
 
The alligators seemed disappointed.
 
Lucifer put his hands on his hips.
 
“What are they then?” He raised an eyebrow. “...Pets?”
 
They all stared at Lucifer in wide-eyed horror, then swung their heads around to look at Alastor again.
 
“They…uh…” Alastor cut himself off and sighed in defeat. “Yes, alright, they’re our children.”
 
Poppy let out a huff of relief as Louis nodded in agreement.
 
Lucifer gave him a grin.
 
“So? What have you done for the preparations?”
 
Alastor froze.

“Wait. I was supposed to do something?”

“Bellhop. I’ve given you three hours between the ending of our last wedding and the beginning of this one. What did you think I expected?”

Alastor blinked at him.
 
“For me to take a nap? From exhaustion?”
 
“Yes! But I also expected you to panic and throw something magical and shadow-related together in the last fifteen minutes!” 
 
“Well what did

you

do? Besides dressing the kids?”

Lucifer almost cracked at that, but he did manage to summon a handful of rubber ducks that were glowing faintly. Each is connected to a black stick and tied together with a red ribbon.
 
“That is a duck bouquet.”
 
Lucifer nodded.
 
“You spent three hours on it.”

Lucifer nodded.
 
“You chose to not incorporate it into the wedding because you thought it would break if you threw it.”
 
Lucifer nodded.
 
They stared at each other for a moment before Alastor patted him, giving the ducks an approving nod.

“It’s very nice.”
 
“Thank you.”

“I still have nothing prepared.”
 
“

Come on!

”
 
Alastor put up his hands in surrender.
 
“I’m sorry! I don’t understand things like ‘social cues’ or ‘common sense’ or ‘human morality’.”

“That has

nothing

to do with the situation!” Lucifer said, though he was laughing now. And that was the whole point of it, after all.
 
“I was just listing things about myself! For example, are you aware that I like jambalaya?”
 
“

No.

” Lucifer gasped dramatically, still giggling. 
 
As his husband sniggered, Alastor began magicking shadows to create an arch shaped like with bones and antlers, adding a snake winding around the top for good measure.
 
“Oh! Look.” Alastor said in a flat surprised voice. “A naturally-occuring wedding arch. How convenient.”
 
“Aw, I knew you’d come through!” Lucifer said, taking a breath and grinning at him.
 
Alastor hums as he suddenly frowns.
 
“Wait. So now what?”

“I dunno.”
 
“

You

were the one who decided we should do this!”
 
Lucifer crossed his arms, returning Alastor’s accusing glare.
 
“Well

you

were the one who agreed to my stupid plan!” 
 
“UGH!” Alastor summoned a table and sighed, sitting down on a chair made of interwoven branches. Lucifer sat on top of the table casually. “Well, I’ll be honest, I have a few things written down that are meant for your ears only.”
 
They weren’t quite vows, but it seemed ridiculous to pass up an opportunity to be romantic with Lucifer. Their relationship hardly had much of that sort of thing, which suited them both just fine, but Alastor felt like marriage would be a good time to get it all out.
 
“Oh! Okay then.” Lucifer turned towards him, sitting cross legged and rocking a little to make himself comfortable. “I’m ready.”
 
Alastor stared at him, aghast.
 
“What? NO!”
 
“What am I supposed to do?!”
 
“Let me procrastinate longer!”
 
“Fine then…” Lucifer cracked his knuckles. “I am going to list EVERYTHING I LOVE ABOUT YOU.”
 
“What-”

“Then you’ll have

plenty

of time!” Lucifer continued, giving him a ridiculously flirty wink.
 
“But-”
 
“Alastor. I am about to compliment you. Several times.”
 
Alastor stopped.
 
“-Go on.”
 
Lucifer took a breath and knitted his fingers together.

“I love how you talk about me in your broadcasts.”

That

was his first thing?
 
“I

complain

about you in my broadcasts.” Alastor corrected.
 
Lucifer didn’t seem to be fazed by this truth.
 
“What's important is that you mention me. That you incorporate me into something you’re passionate about. I love that. It’s amazing.”
 
“Oh.”
 
Alastor was red now.
 
“I-this is going to suck, isn’t it?”
 
“IT’S TOO LATE YOU CAN’T STOP ME NOW!” Lucifer cackled. “I love how you love Charlie. How you have started to teach her politics-”
 
“-Fruitlessly.” Alastor finished with a soft grumble.

“-But that’s the best part! Oh, you know what else? I love that you love challenges. Because my dad knows that I’m quite the challenge, and I’m so beyond delighted that you chipped away at me.”
 
“The same could be said for you.” Alastor said, unable to stifle the warmth in his voice.
 
“I know!” Lucifer agreed happily. “It doesn’t mean I can’t love it!” He laughed. “I love how you play along in all my stupid little bits, I love how you laugh at my jokes, I love how you accidently put your socks on inside out-”
 
“It doesn’t MATTER! Nobody can see them!” Alastor interrupted.
 
Lucifer tapped him on the nose.
 
“I love how

logical

you are, because it makes the times where you’re emotional even more important. I love how you go to your mother for advice whenever you think I’m angry at you-”
 
“She

told

you?”
 
“Darling. We’re besties.”
 
“Don’t tell Stolas.” Alastor grumbled. “And also, that

snake!

”
 
Lucifer frowned at him.
 
“Hey. I’m one of those.”
 
“Fine. That

swan!

”

Lucifer laughed before he continued.
 
“I love how your back curves whenever you get tired, because it means that it's time to bundle you up and throw you into the nearest soft surface. I love how you tried to learn the accordion because it bothered you how I could out-play you. I love how you failed spectacularly and were forced to accept that I am the accordion master.”
 
“My lord, that happened a

year

ago! Enough gloating!” Alastor said, crossing his arms and frowning. His face was bright red now, but it was clear that that couldn’t be helped.
 
Lucifer pointed at him.

“Speaking of, I love your pouty face. I love your smile. I love your unhinged owl looks when your eyes get all radio-y. I just love your face.”
 
Alastor’s eyes widened a bit before he cleared his throat.
 
“A-hem! So I suppose the rest is just mediocre then?”
 
Lucifer didn’t even get on him for fishing for compliments. He was on a roll.
 
“I love your bowties. I love the large rip on the front right side of your overcoat-”
 
“That is quite a nice one, isn’t it?” Alastor asked, looking down at it fondly. It was actually the one that Sir Pentious had so rudely ruined, though he doubted Lucifer knew about that.
 
“-I love your long legs. I love your ears and your tail and your floof, as you very well know. I love that little scar on your shoulder.”
 
He took a second to breathe.
 
“Ahem. And I love you. The end.”
 
Lucifer dramatically fell backwards, lounging off the edge of the table.
 
“Okay, your turn!”
 
Alastor bit his lip for a moment before he nodded.
 
“Fuck you-“ He began.
 
Lucifer only stuck up an arm, giving him a thumbs up.
 
“Great start!”
 
Alastor ignored him. There was

no way

he’d be able to say this again.
 
“Fuck you.” He repeated. “You’ve ruined all of my plans,

caneton.

Do you realize the depth to my plots, the details of my revenge? None of them included a depressed little king with gorgeous eyes. None of them included flowers or fretting or feelings.”
 
Lucifer sits up at that, a mischievous grin on his face.
 
“You like my

eyeees!

” He sang. Alastor reddened a little. He still hadn’t admitted it up to this moment. But he continued.
 
“Exactly! Do you understand how strange this all is? I’m the

radio demon.

I’m entirely cold and wholly uninterested in romance. Yet you’re an exception.”
 
Alastor’s smile softened.
 
“You’re an exception to everything.” He shook his head. “And I’ll never understand why. I’m sure I could have carried out my plans without the least of regret-”
 
“Aw, how romantic.” Lucifer said sarcastically, placing a hand to his chest.
 
“Shush. But

god

I’m delighted you’re who you are, Lucifer. You’re the most spectacular exception I’ve met. You’ve ruined my life in the most wonderful way possible. You made me crash and burn, but I couldn’t be more grateful for the flames.”
 
He paused for a moment, and Lucifer cleared his throat.
 
“Thank you…for teaching me to trust the fall.” He said with a little smile.
 
Alastor bent closer to him.
 
“If you fall, it will be into my arms,

caneton.

”
 
Lucifer responded in kind.
 
“I vow to thwart every plan you make.”
 
Alastor laughed.
 
“HaHA! Fuck you.”
 
And he pressed his lips to his husband’s, kissing him and cutting off his maniacal laugh.
 
He pressed their foreheads together, grinning at his bright gold face.
 
“I dub thee Lucifer Waltonstar.” He declared.
 
“And I dub thee Alastor Morningwalton.”
 
Alastor wrinkled his nose.
 
“That’s

terrible.

”
 
“You started it!”
 
“Yes, but mine was

clever-

“
 
“If by ‘clever’, you mean mediocre-“
   
And they continued to bicker, Demon and Devil, for the rest of time. 
 
(Or as long as hell lasts, anyway)
 
The End.