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Neil didn’t have a strong libido. He’s never felt desperate or needy when it came to sex. Even as a teenager, he never got the “urges” other people talked about. Before Andrew, he never thought about having to make time for sex.Now, he and Andrew have been together for years. Sex became a part of Neil’s life. So going without it for three months while they traveled with their respective Exy teams was noticeable. Andrew’s team was playing across the country in a timezone two hours ahead of Neil.Finding time to talk, let alone video call, was nearly impossible. Which meant they hadn’t been able to do anything remotely sexual. Neil’s frustration with the situation started with him simply missing Andrew, but now he longed. Not just for Andrew’s voice or his smell. Neil wanted his touch.Tonight was especially bad. He found himself checking his phone for a message from Andrew and scrolling through his pictures. He stared at each image, lingering on Andrew’s muscles. He remembered one photo of Andrew without a shirt and quickly scrolled to it.Neil was in his hotel room, already showered and in sweats after a brutal game. Although he ran until he thought his heart would explode, Neil felt completely restless. Too adrenalized to shut his mind off.Undoubtedly, Andrew was asleep. He played like hell today. Only allowing the enemy team a single goal before blocking the rest. He completely embarrassed their strikers who talked a big game beforehand. It wasn’t until he saw Andrew give a two-fingered salute to the camera that Neil realized Andrew knew he was watching.It was no secret that Neil found Andrew’s Exy skills impressive. Andrew teased saying Neil gets off to Exy, which Neil would roll his eyes at. Neil’s never touched himself while watching an Exy game. Neil’s never touched himself watching anything truthfully. Porn wasn’t something he had access to on the run. Plus, it wasn’t something he cared to seek out in the first place.Regardless, Andrew had a point. Neil did find Andrew’s game more than impressive. From his agility and speed to guard the goal, to the strength and force he uses to send a ball back to the opposing side. Staring at the picture of Andrew, Neil felt his eyes focus on his biceps.He thought about how many times those arms had tossed him around now. How many times Andrew lifted Neil’s legs to hit the right spot. Or the number of times Andrew flipped him over completely free of Neil’s assistance. The same arms that would hold Neil down, pressing him onto the mattress.Neil found himself having to shift around to accommodate his growing hard-on making him sigh in annoyance. Why was he still so weird about this? He knew that Andrew masturbates thinking of him but it didn’t help make Neil feel less ashamed. It must’ve been his mother’s abuse rattling around inside him. He felt like somehow, someway, someone would find out.That fear of someone stemmed from the fear he had for his mother. When Neil was with Andrew, he didn’t feel like this. He felt safe and protected and sheltered. No one would enter his mind except for Andrew. Alone, he struggled to focus.On occasions when touch repulsed Andrew, Neil would masturbate in front of him. Yet, the difference between doing it with Andrew versus by himself was astronomical. Andrew would speak to him, sometimes ordering him through it. Neil would be able to see Andrew, too. His scowl relaxing as his eyes drooped. The bright pink stripe never failed to form across his cheeks and nose.Andrew. Think only of Andrew.He conjured up memories as he shuffled his pants down. Using a generous amount of lube, he took hold of his penis and ran his hand across it. It was common for both Andrew and Neil to carry lube with the idea of “in case we run into each other.” But this was the first time Neil used it alone. Trying to focus on purely Andrew, Neil ran his hand down his shaft, coating it in lube.One particular memory came to mind. A time when they were on vacation in Mexico. They were in a beachfront villa that had a section of the beach fenced off for privacy. The kitchen and living room were separated from the outside by an archway instead of a door, allowing the humid air and ocean breeze to flow through the house. Andrew had placed Neil on his hands and knees facing the ocean. Neil remembered how Andrew hit the perfect spot on repeat. He came overlooking the ocean. This memory was a thousand times better than when he burned his mom in California.Once his mother crept back into his mind, Neil lost his heat. Frustrated, he attempted to conjure back that night in Mexico. Their sticky, sweaty skin pressed against one another. The tight grip Andrew had on Neil’s hair. But now that he connected the ocean to his mother, he couldn’t keep his mind straight.He thought back to another memory, this one not involving an ocean. Back when they lived in an apartment in Texas. They spent the whole day wrapped in each other. With nothing to do, they filled the time with nearly back-to-back sex, taking breaks to eat and rest in between.That day Andrew pushed Neil to his limits. “I told you I would break you,” Andrew said watching Neil’s body shake with pleasure. He remembered his mind going blank as he came for the fourth time that day. His mind stayed blank while Andrew continued thrusting into him until he felt hot cum pour inside him. Andrew continued to verbally tease him throughout his recovery.“Where’d all that stamina go, runaway?” “Hm, I thought I couldn’t break you. Or was that another lie?” “I think this might be the most effective way of shutting you up.”Although his words were sharp, his tone was soothing. And he gave twice as many kisses as he did jabs. Neil found all of it endearing.By now, Neil had a good steady pace. He rubbed his hand across his slit, imagining Andrew’s tongue. Andrew’s soft, hot, wet lips took the place of his hand and he found himself moaning to an empty room. He used his other hand to clasp his mouth closed, feeling embarrassed.Andrew would want to hear me. Neil let go of his mouth and tried to catch his breath. Andrew. Keep thinking of Andrew.He pictured Andrew’s face as he slid his hand back over his head, mixing precum into the lube. The thought that all of it would be in Andrew’s mouth, made Neil throw his head back in bliss. Andrew has blown him so many times now it was easy to remember the sight and feel.Gripping the end of his shaft, he pictured Andrew’s nose buried in his pubic hair. Keeping a slow steady rhythm, he imagined Andrew doing the same. Slowly bobbing his head up and down, taking him in all the way then pulling back to tongue at his slit. Andrew usually closed his eyes, resting his long eyelashes against his pink cheeks. Beautiful. Maybe all that staring was starting to pay off.Neil could feel his climate building and Andrew’s hands came to mind. Sometimes Andrew would hold Neil’s hips still to keep him from bucking. Other times he’d explore Neil’s body. His balls, his ass, his waist, his thighs. Rough calluses covered his hands where he held his racket. Drawing lines across Neil’s bones and muscles, he would grab and squeeze occasionally.Chasing the feeling, Neil used his free hand to caress his body. Massaging his ass then moving to rub on his inner thigh. Using the tips of his fingers he traced his hip bones before sliding his hand down his chest until he reached his pubic hair. Finally, he cupped his ballsack, rubbing them around in his palm.The memory of Andrew’s fingers sliding in between Neil’s cheeks to poke and rub his hole made him shiver. I can’t do that alone. Or could he? After all, he did have lube with him. And the more he pondered the more he wanted to.Taking a deep breath, Neil laid on his back with his feet in the air. To get his mind back to Andrew, he moved his hand the same way Andrew would. Cupping the bottom of his cheek, he rolled it to the side. His fingers traced the round of his ass before settling at his hole.Mimicking Andrew, he poked and rubbed on himself gently at first. Then he pulled his hand away to trace his hip instead. Andrew loved to tease. Neil silently questioned if he was testing Neil’s self-control. Sometimes Andrew would intentionally avoid his sensitive areas just to see him squirm.Continuing to stroke his cock with his other hand, Neil’s breath started to hitch. Impatience pushed his hand back to his asshole, where he began to poke harder and harder until the tip of his finger slipped in.Gasping, Neil sat up and grabbed the lube. He wanted this. He wanted Andrew, but this was as good as he could get right now. As he lathered his fingers in lube, he noticed his body was shaking. It wasn’t something uncommon for him to do during sex, but he was surprised to see himself this worked up.Positioning the pillows behind him, Neil sat comfortably with his knees bent atop him. Closing his eyes, he pictured Andrew above him. The first finger went in smoothly despite the pressure. He thought of what Andrew would say. “Fuck, Junkie,” Andrew’s voice spoke in his head. “You’re so fucking tight.”Neil whimpered, wanting to grab onto something that wasn’t his own body. Beginning to stroke himself again, Neil inserted another finger. Curving his fingers sent a jolt of pleasure that caused his back to arch. He held his arch while rubbing the sides until he found his prostate. Pressing on the gland sent off fireworks behind his eyes.Andrew’s voice sounded off. “There you are.” Early in their relationship, Andrew told him, “I can always tell when I’ve hit your G-spot. Whatever’s left of your poker face melts away.” Ever since then, Neil couldn’t help but notice the involuntary faces he would pull.His mouth, agape, would change into an exaggerated frown. Eyebrows pinching together. Eyes opening just to roll back. He was certain it was an ugly expression, and he’d try to remove it as quickly as possible. That’s when Andrew would start to move, prodding at the gland to force his face to shift again.Desperate to feel Andrew, Neil added another finger, hoping to match his girth. Though Neil was longer, Andrew was bigger in width. His cock was thick, causing him to have to stretch Neil’s hole with three fingers, then four. Yet, after all that, Andrew’s head struggled to fit.Slipping his pinky inside, Neil felt his lip quiver. This was the worst face he made. His eyes formed tears, his eyebrows pointed up, and most humiliating of it all, his pouting lips quivering. The first time Andrew saw it he retreated. In an earnest tone, he asked, “Are you okay?” He reassured Andrew multiple times. Nowadays, Andrew knew the expression was from arousal. Seeing it these days would trigger him to slam into Neil harder. Deeper. Faster.“Andrew!” The name poured out of him uncontrollably, barely audible and breathy. He came onto his hands and abdomen. He threw his head back while moaning from deep within. Finally able, he sucked in a good long breath.It took him a few more seconds to ride out his orgasm, then a few more to feel ashamed. Invisible eyes passing judgement bore into him. But it wasn’t sensible, so annoyance started to replace shame. Neil preferred to be annoyed.Pushing all his emotions aside, he focused on cleaning the mess he made. He took a quick shower to wash off, stripped his bed of all the dirty blankets, and put the lube back into his duffle bag. He remade his bed with the few clean blankets left and crawled back into bed.Checking his phone one last time, he was unsurprised to see that no messages had come through. He stared at Andrew’s photos again. This time he thought about the parts of Andrew that made his heart flutter from endearment. The slight smile that Neil could pry out of him. The contrast in his eyes from when he was looking away from Neil versus at him. And the way his lips slightly parted when deep in thought.Neil never thought he’d feel relief when reflecting on his mother’s death. But her death led him to Andrew. Andrew didn’t seem to understand all the complicated emotions Neil had for her, but he never judged. He was easy to talk to in that way. Gratefulness wasn’t a strong enough word for Neil.Finally exhausted, his mind shut off and Neil fell into a deep sleep.