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Sirius raised an eyebrow as Barty and Dorcas try to drink the other under the table at the party.“Oh, they’re just wonderful, aren’t they?” Pandora asked softly.“Hm? Oh yes, delightful knowing I’ll be the one drunk Barty clings too, since Evan couldn’t come.” Sirius deadpanned.Pandora looked at him for a few beats before speaking “They’re wrong you know.”
“Who’s wrong and about what?” Sirius asked around the rim of his glass as he drank the champagne. He tilted his head back and let the champagne go down his throat in one big inaudible gulp.“…you’re angry but you’re not the Mad Dog of the Blacks.”“Do you know the story of Sirius, the constellation?”
“I know the basics, but not much is still known, right?”
“Right. But what is known is that Sirius was the hunting dog for Orion. And when Sirius was sent to Earth, he fell in love. But he couldn’t have his love, so he burned in anger.”“…You think you’re your father’s lap dog.”“Lap dog? No. Collateral damage he cares for not? Absolutely.” His grey eyes that were once like a gentle fog, now a storm gleamed as he watched the party.“Well, we care for you.” Pandora reminded him.He looked at her, and smiled. “I know.”
“You know.. but you want them back.”
“Who wouldn’t? They offered me a solace where other’s only saw me as a blood traitor.”
“Your brother left, and people respect him still, why do you think that is?”
“Reggie is what people assume as perfection. He had stuff on our parents even I don’t have. They didn’t tarnish his image. They gave me my inheritance back because Reggie is a threat to their status.”“And you aren’t?”
“No. But I am a threat to their lives.” Parties. Barty has decided he loves them. Not because he gets to see alcohol and piss of his old man further, but because of the image before him.“You sure you’re okay seeing them dance like that?” Lily chuckles at the calm look on Barty’s face as the two watch Evan and Sirius dance.Barty doesn’t hate mud- Muggleborns. Not that much anymore, he isn’t a fan of them, but he doesn’t go out of his way to bother them anymore. Lily is one he is quite fond of, if he was to be completely honest. Which he won’t be, not aloud. “I don’t mind sharing. Neither of us do.”
“Oh, it’s one of those relationships.” Lily mused.“Is it a bad thing?”
“No! Godric and Morgana no. Who you snog and shag is none of my bloody business. It was just an observation.” Lily jumped to explain what she meant.“How do muggles view this sort of thing?” Barty found himself asking curiously.“Not everyone is okay with it. It’s illegal in many places. But some are coming around, it’s becoming more common.”
“That’s good- the coming around part. Not the illegal part.”
“Whoo! That was fun.” Sirius laughs as he falls into a chair beside the two.Lily had forgiven him for the prank, for the most part. She still made a point that she was very upset, and still is, but that she does value their friendship enough to stick around.It hurt that his own best friends dormmates couldn’t do the same, but Sirius didn’t care anymore. He just didn’t. He couldn’t.He didn’t want to. Sirius muttered the password for the Gryffindor dorms this year, ‘Agapanthus’. The two walked into the dorms, seeing some of the Gryffindors still awake. Most of the glares from the prank had blown over. But there was the occasional sneer.Sirius helped Lily sneak up to his dorm with the Marauders.Poking his head in he saw them asleep, so he snuck Lily in quietly. While he grabbed the bottle of firewhiskey in his drawer that he promised to open when Peter got laid, he grabs a blanket off his bed.Meanwhile Lily was at window onto the roof from the dorm. He heard her mumble a spell that sounded like Intactillis.The spell allows someone to briefly pass through solids.Handing the firewhiskey to the intangible girl, fully expecting the bottle to fall and shatter, but her hand had grabbed it, and set it on the roof in a nook, so it wouldn’t roll away.She held her hand out for the blanket, and he handed it to her, then he cast Intactillis on himself, and passed through the window.They waited a few minutes for the spell to wear off, then when it did, they grabbed their items and climbed onto a flatter part of the roof, an overhang.Sirius laid out the blanket while Lily opened the bottle.She grabbed two roof tiles, and transfigured them into glasses, pouring pair of themselves a glass.“What should we drink too?” Sirius asked, taking his glass as they sat down, feet dangling over the overhang. Lily’s legs were curled up, crossed and slightly under her. “To a new Sirius?”
“You know what? Why not.” He raised his glass, tipping it to her before he tipped it back, and drank the glass.Lily watched him before she sighed fondly and drank. They drank until the bottle was empty.They stayed on the roof until the sun began to make the sky a gray-blue color, the first hints that it was nearing around 6 am. Sirius helped Lily sneak back out of the boy’s dormitory, and to her own dorm, before he collapsed on his bed.
Maybe he didn’t have Remus. Maybe he didn’t have the Potter’s this upcoming summer, maybe he didn’t drink the bottle with Peter.
But who cared?
He never planned on living past 19 anyway.
“I don’t know why he’d drink the bottle without us- that’s not something he does- drink alone I mean-” He can hear Peter whispering in the morning. Something people forget about regarding animagi, was that they got enhanced senses, depending on the animal.Since he was a dog, his sense of smell, hearing, and danger had all increased. Granted he usually ignored the last one.Apparently Animagi forget that themselves. He knows remus could hear his heartbeat, knowing he was awake, but ignored it.“I know Pete- you were excited to drink it with him- but right now we’re all strained, perhaps its for the best.” Remus tries.“Don’t tell me that crap. I was excited to drink something with my mate to celebrate, and because none of you know how to bloody communicate, I lost the chance.” Peter muttered, unlike him to be snappy. Sirius listened as Peter left, and then as Remus turned to him.
“I know you’re awake, Sirius.”
Sod off. Wait no. Oh bloody hell I don’t know what I want anymore!
“Mhhm.” Sirius conceded, deciding that talking would end in argument.“…You drank the bottle.”
“Yep.” Sirius sat up.“Why? You hate drinking alone.”
“I wasn’t alone, so much for werewolf hearing, eh?”
“Who would drink with you?”
Ouch?
“Lily.”“Hm.” . . . “Could you get out so I can get dressed?” Sirius hears himself asking.“Oh- right- um. Yeah. My bad.”
Shove me out of your life without really hearing my explanation, don’t expect me to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness like the dog everyone says I am.
Sirius waited until he heard the door click to get off his bed. He came out of the dorms, where Lily was waiting for him at the dorm entrance. He walked over, a lack of shame in his walk.“Breakfast.” Lily tells him, forthrightous.“I get no choice?”
“No, your brother skips enough meals for both of you. You need to go back to eating but somehow not changing figures.”“That’ll probably change.” Sirius mused as they walked through the halls.“Why?”
“Uhm.” Shit. Sirius forgot to tell her.Sirius sped up his walk and hurried to the Gryffindor table.“Sirius what do you mean? Did-” Her shoulders slumped in realization, before raising again in anger. “They dropped you from the quidditch team?!” She exclaimed, a few Gryffindors looking over and watching their exchange.“It’s just for the term. I’ll play in the next big game. I got off lucky.” “You’re our best chaser though!” Lily cried, slamming her well-manicured hands on the table, forks clattering in protest.“it’s only fair.” Sirius grinned, “Guess who’s runner up to replace me?”“Oh Merlin, who?”
Sirius whispered, “Mclaggen.”
“No.” She whispered, defeated. “Farewell quidditch cup.” She moaned in horror, dropping her head onto the desk.He patted her shoulder mock sympathetically. Sirius really couldn’t tell you how he ended up making out with Barty, while Evan watched.He really couldn’t.He was supposed to come over for help with Charms.He knew what the three of them had was nothing romantic. Not where he was involved. They were indulging him. It was toxic but oh it was addicting.He knows they shouldn’t be indulging him fucking his way through being dumped, that they should find him healthy ways Regulus would help if he knew. James would help if he cared to move on. He loved it the same way he loved the pain of a needle to his skin, marking him up with a new star on his back.
It was a blissful pain.
Where Evan made him feel, Barty made him crave. And where Barty made him burn, Evan soothed. They mellowed each other out and it was everything Sirius wanted. Sirius could feel Evan watching them as Barty’s lips moved against his own. His hand hiking up Sirius’ waist, going under his shirt and feeling along his ribs, which he could feel through Sirius’ skin. The lankiness that only the Black brothers held, which was usually hidden under jumpers, and uniforms Courtesy of lack of nutrition as a child. Sirius turned his head to look at Evan, who climbed on the bed behind him, pulling the Black between his legs, and simply holding him.Barty huffed in frustration, “Every time Evan!” He complained, but not truly upset as he settles himself in Sirius’ lap.“The day I let you pop one with Sirius, is the day I let you top from the bottom.” Evan deadpans.Barty perked up, and Evan instantly said no.It was funny. You would never have thought Evan would be the one in charge outside of bed, but maybe it made sense. Barty had the confidence in and out of bed, but not always the brain outside of bed. Evan was that brain that kept him alive. Sirius lay awake in his bed.Maybe if he slept with someone who he knew held no romance for him, he could move on.It can’t be that bad, right? He knows safety measures, both wizard and muggle ones alike. Use a condom, cleaning spells, the whole gist.It wouldn’t be his first time shagging someone after all.But it would be the first time he did it for a reason other than he was tipsy and wanted to get laid. “You should try talking to them.” Regulus breaks the silence as he helps Sirius pack for the summer. Lily was also helping, since he was going to be staying with her for the summer.“Ja- Potter explicitly told me I couldn’t go with him for the summer, and that I was practically dead to him and the others. Remus doesn’t even look at me.”
“And Peter?” Regulus continues,
“He’s tried, which I appreciate, but it’s been months. It- selfish thought- feels a bit too late for us to try.” As Sirius walks down following Lily with Regulus in tow, he could see James watching with an unreadable expression- it didn’t suit him. A man who wore his heart on his sleeve.Sirius shakes his head. Don’t. Not now. Not here. James’ shoulders sag, and he could see Remus drop his head slightly, tensing his shoulders.Peter- sweet, wonderful Peter just nodded. Take this summer. We all need to reflect.
Please.
Can’t we just go back?
No.
Why not?
For the sinner, there is no reprise. There is only pain.