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The sun beat hot against your flushed skin, bringing sweat to the surface and rolling it down your back. The rifle was heavy in your hands, but you kept time to the beat in your head, trying to tune out the spike of pain that ripped through your chest with every inhale.The day was hotter than usual for a summer in Marley, and you couldn't help but long to be anywhere but here. How would the sky glisten across the ocean, twinkling to hit your eyes with every ripple and wave?"Get your head out of your ass Eldian"The booming of the commander's voice ripped you from the warmth of your daydreaming, sending you spiraling back into your aching body. You picked your pace up, despite still being well ahead of the others. There was one other trainee in front of you, their back moving exactly as it always did, the way you had memorized it from your constant spot in second place. As it always should be.The ringing of your parents' voices bored through your head.
Not good enough. Be faster. Be stronger for your people that are dying across the sea.
When had those voices stopped making sense? When had you stopped caring about restoring a title that you never wanted?The finish line was a welcome sight to your sweltering bones, but you resisted the urge to speed up and take first place. You couldnt afford to win, not anymore.Clammy hands clenched tighter on the rifle, and you licked off the sweat dripping into your mouth. Four more weeks of this and then they would have their winner, their cattle to the slaughter. A child to throw the rest of their life away for a cause that fed off blood.Dust stuck to your face as you fell to the ground, the finish line finally behind you. Your thighs shook underneath you, the rifle left abandoned at your side. Someone was whooping happily somewhere ahead of you, but your eyes went to the sky, panting into the warm air.Everything inside you wished to rip off your jacket, throw it against the nearest fence and welcome the air into your skin, but bruises like handprints still littered your arms. Burns and aches scarred into skin that would never truly heal."Second place again? you think you would get tired of looking at my back"A nasally voice cackled, and you turned to look at the caller. Other warriors were laughing, like they hadnt been tailing behind you the entire run. You didnt know any of their names, had stopped caring a long time ago."Well I can promise you its much better than looking at your front" You answered, smirk rising to your face. He had no idea how easily you couldve won this.A nasty scowl found his face and he crossed his arms, bare from the jacket he had just removed. Jealousy whirled and slithered through your gut. Clean, unharmed skin. The skin of a boy spoiled, loved. He started walking towards you, and god were you excited to beat his ass, to beat that ugly sneer off his face."Get up Devils, and dont you dare leave blood on my training ground." A voice barked, and you fought the anger from your face.Your head pulsed, every voice grating on your last nerve. The other kids turned away, the offending boy with a mutter about this not being over before fetching his jacket and leaving. Your eyes found the sky again, revelling in the way the wind cooled your skin.The clouds moved slowly on top of you, going somewhere distant and vast. There was more out there, there had to be, but your body still ached, from bruises and cuts and burns, so maybe there wasnt. You got up gingerly, not bothering to dust off the dirt clinging to the white uniform."When are you gonna start taking this seriously?"Your commander huffed as you finally reached the door. It was a hypothetical question, laced with disappointment and meant to make you shrink. To him, you were supposed to be helping Marleys cause. To your parents, you were supposed to take a titan and save the Eldians on a random island, to restore the name of Eldia everywhere. All you wanted was a cup of tea. Some peace and quiet in a life far away from this one.Maybe in the next one.You got up slowly, body tense and shoulders high. You had a long walk home. You didnt slow your pace despite the spiking pain in your side, couldnt afford to be outside of the zone while the sun sunk into the hills. The sun was already descending and no one would be able to see the badge on your sleeve in the dark. You would be as good as dog meat.Every step weighed down on you, heavy and unrelenting. You itched to run away, to turn around and never look back, but there was a reason you couldn't run away. Couldn't rip off the badge on your arm into pieces and let your legs carry you to the other side of the world. The same reason you refused to shorten the years on your life, refused to eat a titan shifter and choose war.The sound of screaming met your ears first, followed by a heavy thud. Your steps faltered, fear clenching your gut before you ran up the remaining steps and turned the knob.The door opened to your brother on the floor, crying out, and even if this wasnt the first time you came home to this, it always felt like it. You didnt think before chucking off your bag and getting in front of him, taking the blow that wouldve been his. Pain as sharp as a knife ripped through your side, collapsing your knee from underneath you.Your head snapped back to survey your brother, taking in his small frame curled against the rug. His eye was already bruising, and he was clutching his arm but otherwise he was intact. One piece.Another hit jarred you back to your front, where the smell of alcohol choked its way into your lungs. Your father had been drinking again."Oh look whos back from training, fail again?" He sneered, and it shouldnt have hurt, not from how many times you had heard it, but it did.He matched it with a punch aimed to your head, and it was sloppy, slow enough for your training to be enough to avoid it but you don't, because the more you avoid, the worse he gets.So you braced, glueing your hands to your sides as your body was shoved into the ground. Your teeth clenched together, pain rippling in waves. He was still yelling, still wailing on you, but your brother was safe, and that was all that mattered. You brother had slowly gotten up, moving to help you but your arm reached out first, stopping him.This is how it was supposed to be, this was how you could protect him. Protect the one person in the world that looked at you like you were more than a pawn, more than someone to be used and abused. This was your reason for wanting to live, because someone at home was waiting for your return.His face hardened at the denial but his eyes shook with fear when they met yours. Some things could not be hidden behind sheer determination and you had had many more years of experience taking pain. So you did what you did best, faced upwards towards a yellowed ceiling and imagined it was the sky while the next hit came.It didn't last nearly as long, some of the anger having been spent on your brother before you arrived. You heard your dad walk off somewhere, mumbling about how he should've never had kids. Typical.Your mom was on the couch, nursing a glass of wine while she stared at the wall. It would be another night sleeping on an empty stomach. Your eyes closed before cracking open again. There were spots of blood on the ground underneath you, and the pain was agony, but adrenaline was helping mask the worst of it. You didnt stick around to wait for it to recede. You limped up the steps, walking into your room and laying onto the bed."Can I come in?"Even despite the soft volume, your head pulsed violently. It hadnt always been this bad, at some point they had been kinder, maybe not warmer and far from being called loving, but better than this.When they had first found the restorationists, they had been over the moon, spewing about false history and hopes for tomorrow. That was until they realised that there was nothing they could actually do besides that, because the truth only mattered if you had money or influence, and they had neither.They had moved on to training you to be a warrior, hoping to finally gain someone on the inside. And you had wanted it too, maybe not to save Eldians or to spite Marley but just to be looked at with pride, with love. Maybe just maybe there was enough of yourself that you could give so that someone could finally love you.But even with your successes, they grew restless, hopeless. Eldian restorationists turned into a cult that got drunk in your living room every weekend. It seemed ignorance truly had been bliss. And even with every insult, every beating to your body, every bit of training you won, there was no love to be rewarded. No pride to be found.That was until your brother came into the world. It was the first time you had ever seen anyone so small, so bright. Eldians usually hid their children, they were good victims for Marleyan soldiers and more than one child had gone mysteriously missing. So Eldians were private about kids.Your brother, though, was the only person who had ever looked at you and seen you. Not a Marleyan, not an Eldian, not even a warrior. Family, love and protection. That was what it had felt like to be seen. To matter not for what you can do but just for existing. And inside you grew a yearning to protect him from the same fate that haunted you.You watched him grow up beside you, stumble and fall and laugh and ask you to play with him. You protected him from the fists of your family, the pain this world was so happy to deal it out, because that was who you were.
"I cant wait till we are old together"
He had said, baseball clasped in his hands and laughter bright on his face. There was a red marking on his face from a slap your mother had dealt, but his eyes shined like stars. Freshly 10 and still having hope for a better tomorrow. It had been such a small sentence, an inkling of an idea into the air but it made your chest cave. Because no warrior ever grew old, barely any Eldians had the luxury to either. Their numbers dwindled every year and it tore at your chest to know that you would never see him grow up, find love, live and laugh and maybe still hope. That had been the day everything changed.
"Sis?"Your mind reeled, clearing your voice before answering."Ya, sorry come in"The door opened silently, as it always did from years of practice, and his small body was beside yours in a heartbeat. He clung onto you, the way he did when he was worried and scared, and it made your heart ache. This was not a kind world, and it was never fair either."Im so sorry" He whispered, and it ground at your heart.He had nothing to be sorry for, neither of them did. How do you apologize for the world hating you, because you had the misfortune of being born? How do you begin apologizing to two children bruised by the hands that were supposed to love them. You don't."Hey don't say that"Your hand stroked his hair softly, ignoring the way it pinched your shoulder. A soft sniffle came from his nose."When Im older, I'm going to get us out and make sure you are never hurt again"Tears burned behind your eyes and you slid your gaze to the ceiling, hoping to swallow the lump in your throat. He was hurt beside you, hugging you like he could force the pain from your bones. This is what it felt like to be cared for. To have a family. He was only 13, but then again you were only 18. Four more weeks and then you were evicted from the warrior training. They would have their titan, and you would be able to apply for employment, make money and get them out of this. To hell with restorationists and titans and Marleyans.Your hand never ceased stroking his hair, hoping to convince him of every ounce of love and protection you felt. You would make it out, you had to. There was no life for either of you here. Silent tears ran down the sides of your face, falling into your hair. One of these days, you would grow old and fall asleep and your body wouldnt hurt. Your brother would be there, he would talk to you of some girl he liked and you would go make desserts and laugh without caring if you were being too loud. That would be your future.Swallowing down the lump in your throat hurt, compressing your tight throat."Want to hear a story?"Such small words gently caressed into hair. A bandaid to try and cover a bullet wound, but the hopeful yes you received in reply made it worth it. These were the nights that mattered. These were the moments that made everything worth it. He huddled closer to you, unable to mask the excitement. You hissed lightly from the bruises and cuts on your body, but soon relaxed when he settled."Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl. They lived on a large island, far away from the vast sea and its violent waters.”“They worked hard every day, tending to their cattle and plowing their grain. The girl happily played with the chickens, loving how small their world was, how safe and easy it could be.”“The boy always looked towards the horizon, though, wondering what else could be out there. He would climb up to the roof, squinting his eyes in a different direction every night to see if he could spot something new. The girl would tell him to "stop looking out there, that everything they needed was right here." But he would always argue that "if this was so good, how great do you think everything out there might be?"“The boy, growing wary of his life, wandered out one night, in search of something wonderful, so that he may bring it back to the girl and prove her wrong. He walked and walked and when the girl woke to find him gone, she wept horribly. Fearing something would happen to him, she wandered off as well, unaware that they had gone in opposite directions.”“The boy found a town of people of all different shapes and sizes. It amazed him until he saw how cruel people could be to one another. He saw people beg for money on street corners, pick pockets from under noses and voices that screamed for the world to end. Distraught he ran back home, newfound appreciation in his heart. Across the island, the girl stumbled upon the ocean. Waters so fast, currents both hot and cold and funny fish that darted away from her touch. She was filled with glee. The world was wondrous and great, and she yearned for more.”“Amazed, she ran back home in hopes of bringing the boy with her. When she returned, however, she found him huddled under their porch, tears running down his face. "The world is not what I thought" he bemoaned, crumbled to find that his dreams were shattered, but the girl only smiled softly at the boy, removing his hands from his face. "No" she said, "The world is what you make it, the world is how you see it" she urged.”“For the waters had been beautiful but they also had been violent, and the boy thought back to the people who had been cruel but also lovely. A hand when someone fell, an apple to someone hungry, a girl to hug a crying boy. Everywhere life made space, to either be taken up by cruelty or by love."Your voice was hoarse by the end, but you were satisfied by the soft rising and falling of your brother's chest as the last word ebbed into reality. Dreams did not come easy in this house, and the noise of the restorationists would soon become too loud for you both to continue sleeping. So this bout of silence was a necessary reprieve.Your eyes flit up to the cieling, letting them relax as lights and shadows danced through the window. In another life, you hoped you would be someone uneventful, someone loved and appreciated just for existing, and not know the touch of pain. Maybe in another life that would be enough.You shut your eyes softly, exhaling out the ache that still threaded its way into your bones. When was the last time you weren't hurting? you didn't remember. Not that it mattered anyway. Freedom was around the corner.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The slam of a door shot your eyes awake. The sound ricochet through your head, and you avoided the urge to cover your brother behind you. Your gaze slid to him, taking mental note of his injuries. His bleary eyes opened into slits, still foggy from sleep. One of his eyes had darkened in colour but by the way he was sleeping on it, hopefully it wasn't hurting him too bad."Sis what's going on?"He murmured, voice thick from sleep. You shook your head slightly, mouthing a silent 'nothing, go to sleep'He didn't bother making you say it twice and closed his eyes once again, his breathing evening out almost instantly. Fondness bloomed in your chest and in any other moment this would have made you smile, but not in this one.Shimmying quietly out of bed, you walked on near silent steps to the door, twisting the knob before cracking it open. Immediately noise entered your ears and light blinded your sleep weary eyes. You turned away with a silent hiss before quickly stepping out and closing the door silently behind you."-we have to figure out something" someone yelled, speech slurred and angry. Your body tensed, recognising one of the voices from the men in the restorationist group. The cult as you like to say.You padded your way across the hall, leaning against the staircase in hopes of making out more. This was something you had frequented ever since your parents had become more abusive. They hadn't always been the best but something had snapped years ago. Broken them out of place and rearranged them out of order. Words turned into fists and slaps turned into cuts, family dinner became a myth of the past.Something had changed because of the very group sitting downstairs helping themselves to the liquor closet that never seemed to empty. The one place in this house that was always taken care of.Ever since the night everything changed, when things would get loud, you would make sure your brother was safe and go listen from the stairs. It was some unbridled curiosity mixed with blood curdling fear that they would come upstairs to beat one of you in a rage. Better to find you first."Oh shut it, you know just as well as I do that that bitch isn't getting the titan, and we can't save paradis without one" He yelled out.You scowled at the name. They were talking about you. They hadn’t talked about you in years. Dread filled your gut, pumping fear into your veins and right back into your heart. Your eyes flicked towards the door where your brother slept. You couldn't run, maybe you could fight, but not all of them. Something was starting, but you didn't know what yet."Maybe I should go up there and teach her a lesson" another man groused, lust laced into the very cells of his vocal chords. Bile rose in your stomach, and you moved your hand to your mouth to avoid making any noise.Anger lashed through you, let him come up here and fucking try it, he will be dead before hes fully up the stairs. Your eyes flicked back to the door, but what if your brother saw?"Oh go fuck a Harlet Marlo" someone groused, and at Marlos grumble, you released a sigh of relief. You felt bad for whatever poor woman would have to console him, no matter the price.Your chest ached from contractions, breaths barely filling your lungs. Fucking pricks, all of them."The Tybur family is coming to visit in six days for some festival, that could be our chance" Another man said, and your anger stuttered, making room for the confusion you felt.Tyburs? the royal Tyburs? You had no idea they were even coming. Sure, you had seen some Marleyans talking excitedly in the streets and some people setting up food carts, but as an Eldian you had no right to ask, in fact asking probably would have given them enough reason to beat you senseless. Anything goes these days."How do you know?" your father said, voice hushed and weirdly unslurred. He sounded near sober, you couldn't remember the last time you heard him sober. It made you flinch, not recognising that man that helped birth you.It was sick the way he would get sober not for his family, or his children, but for a bunch of idiots hellbent on saving an island across the western sea. Anger reared its head like an angry beast inside you. Angry at this fucking cult in your house, angry at the scars littered across your body, at Paradis, who they cared more about than their own families, at titans, at Marleyans, at the world, at yourself."I have an inside source. You know what we have to do" your mother said, and her tone tore your anger away, leaving only embers. Like it always did, fear and dread filled your gut once more.You craned your neck, eager and terrified to hear whatever it is they had to "do" and what that would mean for your brother, for you. That was until your door opened on silent hinges, lashing your head away from the conversation. Your brother stood at the door, bleary eyed and looking frightened. Another nightmare. Another recurring event in this house.Your heart panged, the sight of someone so young bridled by terror shaped like his parents. You quickly veered away from the stairs, shaken that what would be spoken would be away from your listening ears, but your brother was the priority.You quickly rushed to the door, closing it silently behind you and taking his hand. He was growing quickly, and it brought a soft smile to your face, despite the anxiety riddling your gut. You laid down silently, no words needed between the two of you. With a fear-filled mind and a sense of impending dread, you closed your eyes alongside him, and were not woken up again for the rest of the night.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
A soft knock at the door had your eyes ripping open, body already tense. Your brother blinked his eyes open softly beside you, still much more accustomed to sleeping in. The door opened soon after another unanswered knock, and the face of your smiling father entered the doorway. The sight made your stomach sink."Good Morning kiddos, time for breakfast"His voice was cheerful, his eyes crinkling as his smile widened after the statement. Your brother got up slowly, staring at him in shock before starting to get up. You held your hand out, giving him a look and letting him know to wait for you first.Your eyes flicked back to your fathers, and despite the smile on his face, everything felt fabricated, everything felt artificial. Your father had not woken you up for breakfast for the last 13 years. From the moment you could learn about the Eldian sin, from the moment you could learn to walk with a rifle and be put into warrior camp. No, this was wrong.Your fathers eye twitched at the hand you had on your brother, holding him back from approaching. Quickly you released him, not wanting your father to take his anger out on your brother. With a subtle nod, your brother got up silently, folding in on himself as he walked by your father. Your fathers eyes did not leave yours. His smile did not yield either. You did not smile back.The sight of it made your skin crawl in unease, but you brushed it aside, getting up quickly and refusing to flinch as you walked by him, despite your body urging you to run. Something was going on. You heard his footsteps behind you, and you sped your pace up, getting downstairs. The sight that greeted you made you want to run for the hills.Your mother stood in the kitchen, humming happily over a pan of searing pancakes. The house smelled sweet, almost enough to wash away the lingering scent of alcohol that had seeped into the very walls.Your brother sat at the table, pancakes stacked high on his plate, and he was smiling at them as he ate, clearly overjoyed. Your mother joked at him to stop eating so fast lest he choke. Your fists clenched at your side, jaw glued together in shock.It made you want to yell, and scream at him. Because this was not normal, this was... you didnt know what this was. He was 13, he probably thought that his parents had turned over a new leaf or were just feeling exceptionally nice. Maybe he didn't remember that they hadn't even bothered to remember his birthday last year, or that he preferred savoury food to sweet, or that they had hit him so hard last night that his eye was turning a deep purple. But you did.You felt like you had opened your eyes to a different universe, a different life all together. It left your mind reeling and pooling out of your ears to mingle on the floor."Don't just stand there dear, come and get some breakfast" Your mother smiled. She smiled . And it felt like your heart was shredding because your bruises still ached, and you knew that if you peeled back the longsleeve you were wearing, scars like artwork would appear, fragmenting your body. What the hell was going on.You walked on stiff legs to the chair beside your brother, sitting tense, ready to bolt at the first sign. Somehow this was scarier than their rage, than their screaming and drinking fury. Because that was usual, it was routine and it was unsensible. This was thought out, this was unpredictable. This was dangerous.The conversation last night was running like a segment on replay in the back of your mind. Something about the festival, the Tyburs, something about finally doing something for Paradis. They had sounded frustrated, more frustrated than you had heard them in a long time. The group had always been like a kettle, quick to boil before all the steam evaporated and they went back to the bottle.But last night had sounded different, like a line at the end of its thread, like the slow ticking of a bomb. It felt like you had puzzle pieces, meager breadcrumbs and were trying to put together a picture that you didn't understand. You were missing something. Your hands shook beside you, your mind flashing back to the first break they had had, the pain they had inflicted, the world that had shattered at your feet."Your mother said eat" You father said, chair squeaking from disuse as he sat to your right. You looked down at the table, jaw hard as your mother placed down pancakes in front of you, still humming an incomprehensible tune. It grated on your nerves.Your brother sat quietly beside you, making as little noise as possible as he ate. A boy his age should be talking unabashedly at the dinner table, should be excited to eat and breathe and laugh and live. His body, curled over a plate of breakfast, made your stomach recoil. Your eyes moved back to the plate, letting your anger simmer silently on the surface. You had to get out of this house.Your hand moved to grab the fork, almost mechanically cutting a bite and putting it in your mouth. Whether it was due to your own frayed nerves or from the sheer oddity of the situation, the food tasted like ash in your mouth, going down like sand. You made sure your face revealed nothing, so used to not showing reactions."Good, right?" your mother said, smiling at you. The smile should've been warm, should've made you want to smile back and take another bite, but it only made the food move uncomfortably in your stomach. Her smile looked like it was pulled from the edges, like a puppet moving on strings. It was a little too wide, a little too rigid from disuse and from insincerity. Your brother smiled back, small but eyes a touch brighter than they were last night.It made you want to snap because the little girl in you that had begged for this all her life was being shoved into a box by the you that knew something bad was on its way. This is how it had felt the last time, all those years ago. A feeling like oil being spilled was running its way into your head. get out get out get out get- "Yes, very good"You didn't bother taking another bite, though her smile widened grotesquely in response, and you looked back down to the plate, holding in your gag."Ive got to get going to training"Finally standing up from the table, you stepped back, adding distance from the scorching eyes of your parents. Your eyes flick to your brothers, whose face had turned down into a frown. The one person who would actually want you to stay, the one person you would want to stick around for.You flicked your eyes back to your parents quickly, not wanting to draw too much attention to him. You walked upstairs quickly, showering and brushing your teeth with the pounding in your chest as your only timer. Your mind was barely there, moving on autopilot and fear. The water did nothing to rid your body from the onslaught of terror. Something was wrong.You were back downstairs within minutes, hands curled around the front door in longing. Fresh air, you had to get away from here."Oh sweetie, before you go" Your mother started, her cheery voice making your teeth grind. get out get OUT GE- "You won't be needing to go to training again after tomorrow"Your breath stopped, shock rippling through your body. You turned slowly, trying to calm your erratic breathing. Something was very wrong indeed.Her mask was still on, grin as big as ever, and your father moved to stand beside her, hand on her shoulder. You didn't miss the way his hand clenched hard on her arm. Some tells could not be hidden."We just miss you at home so much and really want to spend the rest of the time we have with you as a family"Something about that sentence sounded wrong, itched your brain like a word that looked right but was spelled wrong. They sounded as though you were leaving, as though you only had a limited amount of time left. Another puzzle piece fell to the ground at your feet, and your hands shook behind your back, unsure of where it went."Is that going to be a problem?" your father said, something sour and destructive laced in his voice. Something that made your little brother flinch behind them. It sounded like bottles clanging together, like the thud of a fist, like the ache of a wound. You swallowed harshly, body so tense it could crack."No problem at all. I will be back later" You replied, turning on your heel and rushing out the door. You had a spare uniform in your locker at the grounds, and the crumpled badge marking you as an Eldian never left your body, not even in rest. Like a man with a broken leg, a cast to mark you for the rest of your life. You tied it quickly, surprised to find your hands still shaking.The pancake mixed in your stomach, moving like a current with the nerves that pooled there. At least you were going today, you needed to hit someone desperately.Maybe it was reverse psychology, taking it away so you can start to truly fight for it. Prove that you wanted it, but even then, that's a steep risk to take when they had likely already chosen who was getting the armored titan. But why wouldn't they take a steep risk? Time was running out, and once you were freed in a month and took your brother, they had no one, nothing. Just a couple of drunks with ideals that would never leave their four walls. But they had mentioned something about the Tybur family.Like that thought brought about its presence, you turned the corner to almost walk into a Marleyan putting up a banner along the street. The sign read: The Tybur family festival, a once in a lifetime performance. You frowned thoughtfully at the banner, trying to recount all you knew about the Tyburs. They were one of the oldest royal families, from before the fall of King Fritz to Paradise. They had helped Marley in the war on titans...somehow. There was something you were missing."Keep it moving Eldian" someone spat, anger lashing on their tongue. The old man huffed, giving you a glare. You flinched before schooling your face and walking off towards the grounds. Not even the warrior badge could earn you respect when devil blood ran through your veins.The grounds were full by the time you were changed and in formation, head straight and rifle along your back. Its weight was reassuring as much as it was binding. This was one of your last days here, you shouldve been thrilled, but all that simmered in your stomach was dread. Something was telling you that whatever would come after would be worse. You hoped it was not true."March!"Your body moved on its own, following a sequence that had been ingrained into you from before you could walk. Your breaths funneled through you easily and your muscles burned in a way that made you feel giddy. Despite hating Marley and the thought of being a titan, you loved feeling strong, feeling capable and free. It was the only time you felt alive.Running began quickly, a series of exercises you knew like the back of your hand. Today was hand to hand combat training, and it unwillingly brought a grin to your face. This is where you excelled. This is what you needed right now.You were divided into teams, and you were paired up with a brunette girl, someone who had been a possible friend once, before you had stopped giving a fuck and realised what the hell all of this was. Another person to add to the list of possibilities that could have been in another life. The whistle blew and you moved, swift and agile on your feet. She swung out, missing as you lodged your foot out to trip her. She narrowly dodged, teetering on the way.The opening was all you needed. You punched her open left side, taking her down with a grunt. Her hands patted the floor too soon.She cursed as she stood, brushing off her white uniform in distaste before looking at you with equal disgust. A grin was already on your face waiting for her."Again!" the commander screamed, and you pounced once again. She was prepared this time, swinging out with her hand and catching you in a punch. The good thing about being used to being hit? That shit felt like nothing.You laughed it off, spitting blood before going in for another tackle, bringing her to the ground hard. She flailed, trying to lock your head in between her hands but you were faster, stronger, wanted it more. Your fist swung, reeling her head to the side. Her hands banged the ground as she screamed and you got up, not bothering to dust off your uniform."You are such a fucking freak!" she fumed, voice shrill. Exhilaration beat like a drum through your veins, and your body burned but not from pain. Finally not from pain. At least until the adrenaline left and you were to return from the hell that you came."You haven't even seen the half"A smirk latched its way onto your face, widening when she huffed in disgust and walked off. Sweat rolled off you, and you needed to be back in line before the runs started or you were asking to be yelled at, but it was one of your last days, and you were in no rush to leave. You tipped your head back towards the sky, taking a deep breath before joining the others."-they were coming which is so sick, I wonder if they will bring out the titan" a boy said excitedly, talking to the others. Your ears peaked, curiosity nipping at you but you were frankly more interested in going to get water than eavesdropping."You don't actually know that, it's just a rumour about the Tyburs"
You stopped dead in your tracks, dehydration vanishing like a ghost from your lips. The Tyburs."What was that about the Tyburs?"Heads all turned to you, and you internally cursed at the question. You had barely spoken to these people for the decade that you have been training with them, treating them more like hindrances than friends and now you speak up?"Why the fuck are you talking to us?" a girl said, and you gave her a deadpan glare, refusing to let her see you sweat."I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to him. Do I have to repeat the question for you?"You squared your shoulders, tongue lashing out. The girl recoiled angrilly, moving to open her mouth again but your eyes flicked over to the boy who had been talking initially. It was mean to single him out, you knew that. He was twitchy, a little shy and wore the thickest glasses you had ever seen. He was the only one of the group who had ever tried to be nice to you, before...everything changed. You never forgot that kindness, especially not in hand to hand when you made sure to be gentle. His name rattled somewhere in your brain, just out of reach.His eyes flicked left and right nervously, shoulders hunched, but your gaze did not waver. He would fold, they usually all did under your glare anyway."There is this rumour that the Tybur family has one of the nine titans, but no one knows who, or which titan. I'm hoping we get to see it at the festival in a couple days, it would be incredible!""Why would they transform and risk hurting people? Youre such a fucking idiot." Another boy huffed, voice sharp and condescending.The shy boy winced, and the urge to protect raged at you."And yet he's still smarter than the mother who should've swallowed you" You scoffed, looking at the loud mouthed boy. "Oh and by the way, everyone here is too scared to say it but you have the biggest booger in your nose, its kinda gross" You finished loudly, kicking dust around with your foot.You watched in silent delight as the boy's face lit up with embarrassment before he puffed his cheeks angrily and ran off. The boy in the glasses was looking at you, eyes wide and blush light on his face. You winked at him subtly before turning around and finally going to get some water, needing the distance to digest what you just heard.The Tyburs maybe had a titan. Is that why your parents cared? Or is it the distraction the family will bring that gives them the room to do something crazy with the restorationists? Everyones attention will be elsewhere and both Marleyans and Eldians were attending. At least, thats what you assumed if it was held so close to the interim zone. Your head pounded from the thoughts, and anxiety roiled harder in your gut. It felt like this festival was a countdown, like something was going to change, horribly.You were back outside with your rifle soon after, the headache never subsiding despite the water you chugged. You settled into your spot in second place, the fear of the reverse psychology theory reigning true. Even if their plan was devious, becoming a titan was worse. Sentencing yourself to an early grave before experiencing what it meant to be free of them was an agony you would refuse until your dying breath.Your feet sank into an easy rhythm, giving your mind the needed reprieve from the thoughts that refused to be silenced. Your breaths huffed out of you, and a familiar ache began growing in your bones. You reduced yourself down to the next step, the next inhale, the next lap. The weight of the rifle bore down on you, and your mind reeled from the exertion of being constrained.Your body yearned to go at full speed, to greet that finish line with open arms and earn that spot of number one. You were better than this, but you were not a pawn. You didn't do this for yourself, you did this for the one person that mattered, the one bit of love you have ever rec-"Sis!!"The sound jolted you from your thoughts, stopping you on the track. Something in your body was sinking slowly, like being submerged into quicksand. Your head lashed towards the sound, finding your brother standing against the top rail, a smile large on his face as he waved erratically. The sight should've made you smile, should've warmed you thoroughly and made you feel like you could run 200 more laps, and it would've. But then your eyes flicked to the other two people beside him. Stiff, even from down here.Fake smiles latched onto faces with hands that clung onto the rail until their knuckles were white. Your mother waved happily when your eyes met, and you resisted the urge to step back, to run. You felt like a caged beast from down here, preparing to be prodded with an electric wire and forced to submit."Awe, is that the dear old family?" someone mocked behind you, and your body stiffened, prepared to use the rifle like a battering ram to their face. It was the same boy you had ridiculed before."They come to see you fail first hand? why your poor little brother should close his eyes, you really aren't anyone to learn from" he snickered, earning smiles from the others. Your feet stepped towards him, and you revelled in the way he flinched back. As much game as they can talk, and boy do they ever, not one of them has ever beaten you in a fight."Well at least one thing he can learn from me is not to be a coward" You replied, venom in every word. You itched to jump on him and make him pay. Make him scream and cry like the bitch he is, but you were more terrified of looking into your brother's eyes and seeing fear. More scared of looking into your fathers eyes and seeing your own reflection looking back than you were worried about protecting your pride.None of these kids go home and come back with different bruises, and none of them have ever worn a dirty uniform, covered in blood, to training even one day in a row. Their families come and coddle them, kiss them on the head and smile with glee. Even for the kids who finish last.The boy scowled, his eyes debating between backing up his words or leaving before the commander blew the whistle, signaling all of the 'devils' to go home. Your eyes moved back towards your family, your brother still smiling wide. You swore they could feel your discomfort, and you swore they reveled in it. You forced a small smile to your face, eyes only for your little brother when you waved back, barely a shake of your hand.You changed slower than you ever had, removing every layer and folding it before placing it in your locker. After tomorrow it wouldn't matter anyway. There would be no escape, there would be nowhere to go. Your shoulders trembled and your hand came up to muffle sobs that threatened to tear you apart. You had been strong for nearly 18 goddamn years, you could hold it together a little longer. God, just hold it together a little longer."Hey are you in here?" a voice called, and you recognised it to be the boy with the glasses from earlier. You cleared your throat, not just to remove the lump that resided there but to signal that you were. You turned quickly, giving yourself time to school your face into neutrality."Hey, it's me, umm I just wanted to thank you for before" He said, your back still to him as he entered the room. Your sweater was already on, sleeves down and hood up."Don't mention it"You grabbed the rest of your things out of the locker, slamming it shut and aiming to leave the room as quickly as possible."Oh, uh alright well I just wanted to let you know all I knew about the Tyburs since you seemed curious before"You paused, stopping to finally turn to him, finding him standing awkwardly, wringing his hands together. He looked about ready to shit himself, and if anything, it was kind of funny. The name had made your heart race, and you knew you shouldn't show that much curiosity in this but you had a bad feeling that refused to leave.You nodded, leaning against the wall to show you were listening."Well the Tybur family itself is as old as the great titan war against King Fritz, which i'm sure you already know"His arms moved sporadically as he talked, and you hummed softly in confirmation. If this was going to be a history lecture, you were out, but maybe there was something you weren't seeing. There had to be."Well they teamed up with Marley, a hero named Helos to be specific, to win the titan war and finally stop Eldias violent ruling"Another confirmatory nod. All things you knew, all things the textbooks said. You knew the textbooks were false from before you could even read them, but you didn't need yourself mixing up Eldian history and Marleyan history. You werent there for either versions and frankly didnt give a fuck what was true 2000 years ago."Well that's what the books say but..."His tone got hushed and for the first time since he walked in, you stood up straight, his secrecy making you feel on the verge of something."but?"His fitful eyes finally latched on to yours, holding you in place."Well that's the thing, it's rumoured that the Tyburs were a part of it because of their contribution: The war hammer titan. It's been said to be passed down their generations for centuries, and is arguably one of the strongest titans that has ever existed. It can create and shape anything from titan hardening. We don't even really know the range of its power, and its wielder, though a mystery, will always be a Tybur, one that stays close to the reigning leader in order to protect him, or it's him himself I suppose" He says, mumbling the final part and getting lost in thought.Your head reeled, pounding harshly. Puzzle pieces on puzzle pieces."So what you're saying is the war hammer titan is almost certainly going to be there for this?"His head snapped up, tearing him from his mumbling. His glasses skewed from the quick movement."Yes exactly, and all the other titan shifters as well as the entire military, I guess it's kind of a big deal" He shrugged at the end, finally bringing his voice back to regular volume.Your blood moved quickly through your veins, and you cursed your inability to connect any dots. There were too many options, too many holes, and not enough conclusions. So much fear, yes, but that last sentence clung to you like a lifeline. Everyone was going to be there. Everyone. Noone would stop two kids moving about on a day like that. Noone would question where they were going in such a hurry, why they looked so frantic and wouldn't stop looking over their shoulder. Freedom.Everyday since you had heard that little boy cry, everyday since you started going to sleep crying with wounds lining your body. The nights you had learned to patch yourself up, to move silently, to flinch less and move faster. Every day since the worst day of your life you have been telling yourself tomorrow. Tomorrow will be when you finally escape, when you finally take yourself and that little boy away from the monsters that feed on your soul.And every day you stay, you wait for a more promising chance, you wait to be stronger or richer or more adult or more sane. And now you walk outside to two people standing there looking like something has snapped inside of them and you clench your hands around the fear that has always been your companion. Fear and pain and hurt and anger. Such world ending, burning anger.The only light times were when you were looked at by someone who cared, were hugged by someone who looked at you to protect them. But time is running out. You felt it with every step you took, your brother walking happily beside you, holding your hand. You felt it when your parents told you that you did a good job for the first time in over 10 years, like that will erase hearing that you are a disappointment every other day before this. Time you never truly had was forcing you under the quicksand, and it was time to leave before was too late.The door to your house opened like the maw of a great beast, ready to swallow you whole. It always smelled like alcohol, despite the lingering smell of sugar in the air, proof that today's breakfast hadn't been a nightmare.You walked inside, one of the few times there wasn't someone screaming or a bottle on the floor. The only time you had ever walked in all together. Voices ripped you from your thoughts, bringing you back to the surface of reality."Like I was saying sweetie, it really is such a shame since you would make such a great titan" Your mother said, finishing off her speal about how running shouldnt be a factor in deciding, but it really wasn't a big deal anymore. Like it hadn't been the most important thing for the last decade. Like it wasnt why they brutalized you, and then your brother. It truly was such a shame. Your teeth grit together in your mouth, and you focused instead on ducking your head and taking off your shoes, putting them away before looking up. Your eyes flicked down to the old shoes, mangled from years of wear and tear. Your mind latched on to these little truths, evidence that despite their act of turning a new leaf, signs were everywhere, written in ink all over your skin.Looking away, you swallowed heavy, humming in agreement. If they wanted to play nice, then you would play nice, but you refused to wait for the other shoe to drop, not this time.The rest of your family walked past you, your brother going straight to the table for dinner. Despite everything that had been done, he still had some childishness left in him, a part that remained rebellious against everything you had faced. When you were alone, he would still ask for stories, or want to play a quiet game. When it was dinner he had a bounce in his step at the thought of food. There was still a part of him that remained hopeful, light despite it all.It only sank your resolve further. There would be no wait, that festival was your out."I made your favourite for dinner today" your mother beamed, going for the oven.You flinched, memories of hot hands and fire licking your skin, screams of do better, be better rattling inside your head. Your throat closed up, and the smile you tried to attach to your face would not comply. You walked tense to the table, keeping your clenched fists underneath the battered wooden surface. So many lines and cigarette marks etched into a table you barely sat at.A plate of macaroni and cheese slid in front of you, your mother standing waiting in front of the table, eyes raised in a silent 'aren't you so happy I did this'The mac and cheese looked exactly how it did the last time you had it, when you were 7 years old. The cheese oozed off the sides, gravity sliding the macaroni to pool slightly at the bottom of the plate. It kind of reminded you of an open wound.Your favourite food hadn’t been mac and cheese in a long time, it had changed along the road. Somewhere between realizing that your parents were horrible people and that your body was not only a target but a shield.You felt your brother open his mouth, probably to say that this actually wasn't your favourite food, that it had changed to chocolate years ago after someone had left some laying around after training and you had been too ravenous not to take a bite.You almost let him voice the truth, just to see something shift in the faces that they had planted on, but your hand latched out quickly under the table, making his mouth close with an audible click. You saw the way it would play out if he did, scowls harsh, words bitter, and the way shifting in your sleep would make you wince from the fists that would follow."Thank you" you said instead, and looking back at the food, you picked up a fork. You were biding your time, that's all this was. A game of cat and mouse that would finally come to an end soon. The clock ticked away in your head, 5 days, 7 hours, 23 minutes. Eat and sleep and play pretend. There would come a day where it would all change, you would make it so.The food slid down your throat, and you fought the anger that welled up in every bite. Your parents were talking beside you, but all it did was add fuel to your flame. Your brother, like you, sat still in his seat, eating silently, because in this house you weren't to speak unless spoken to. It was ingrained in you the way you knew your hair was on your head and your feet were on the ground.Latching hard enough to the fork that it hurt, you swore that that would be the first thing that would change. In a house somewhere quiet, the inside would be loud. With laughter and freedom and hope. There would be a table that was spotless, the sound of breathing that wasn't hushed or laboured, the touch of skin that only gave warmth and affection.The sound of your fork clanging harshly on the plate shot you from your thoughts. A crack lined the bottom, the edge lined up with the fork that you hadn't realised you had brought down with such ferocity. It was still fisted in your hand, the same way you would hold a knife. You released it quickly, knowing by the silence of the table that the damage was done. Your tongue unstuck itself from the roof of your mouth."Sorry, that was so good I got too excited" It was meek, a croaked voice that shook from fear and residual anger. You were never a good liar. Your fathers lips ticked down, hands clenched beside him and you bit your cheek to stop a flinch. The strongest warrior and yet the sight of him upset made you feel like a little girl, terrified.Your mothers voice cut through the fog,"Now now dear not to worry, it's just a plate" she said, though there was a tightness in her voice, an anger that she could not mask.The polarity of the response added logs to the fire of your dread. Somehow it would've been easier if they had gotten mad, if they had resorted to what they always did and released that anger out onto you. It would've killed, it would hurt so bad that your hands would have shook and your lip would’ve bled from how hard you bit it to keep the cries of pain hidden. But it would've been over, and it would've been normal.Their eyes flicked to each other, a silent conversation between the two of them. You watched, anxiety spiking, as your fathers fist unclenched, his face relaxed, and your mothers shoulders followed suit."You are probably very tired dear, take your brother and go to bed" She said, eyes now trained back on you.You didn't bother to wait, nodding silently before taking his awaiting hand and going up the steps. His face also looked pale, shaken and afraid. You knew he could sense that something was wrong, that everything had been flipped on its head and something was coming.Your back finally untensed after you were out of their sight, hands still clammy. Rushing your steps, you closed the door silently before finally exhaling, feeling like the elephant that sat on your lungs stepped off for a break. You slid down the door, knowing that it wouldn't matter if one of them changed their minds and came up, but needing to listen anyway and brace yourself. Your axis had shifted, and the waters were rising above your feet, fighting to pull you under."Sis, what is going on?"A whisper in a sea of thoughts that echoed the same thing. Your eyes found him in the dark, sitting knee to chest against the wall near the bed. The room itself was small, clean and barren. All it was was a bed tossed against a wall, adjacent to a window with curtains that did little to keep out the light of the moon. It was the only thing you liked here.Your eyes found the night sky, cloudy with all the smoke that came from nearby homes and factories. But if you looked right there, to the left of the big dipper, was the north star. Beside her was her sibling star, not as big but just as bright, always to the west of her rays.A long time ago, your parents had told you that if you looked into the direction of that sister star, all the way across the western ocean, there you would find Paradis. Your people, your home. The thought churned your stomach, moving around the dinner that never truly settled. You realised belatedly that you hadn't answered, had taken the time to breathe and stare at the stars because somehow, those cosmos away from you were the only unchanging part of your world. That and the little boy sitting curled in the bed."Sis im scared"It was so quiet in this room, suffocating and yet the only place you could breathe. His eye was still a dark contrast to his face when he looked up at you, body rigid. You got up, padding the few steps to him before sitting beside him, opening your arms and giving him asylum from the thoughts that raged. You wondered what it was like to be held, whether it really did help or if it only felt like constraints."Don't be scared, I'm here aren't I?"
Your reassurance was an echo of what you always said when he was scared, when you were bandaging his wounds, or holding him as he cried from pain.His body finally relaxed, sinking into your arms, and despite it all, a smile found its way to your face. Your hands ran through his hair, trying to somehow speak through his skin and communicate that you would figure this out. That you were already planning their escape. Your eyes flit to the small chest by the bed, holding the only clothes you and him wore. It wasn't much, being a poor Eldian family who spent most of their money on liquor, but right now it was a saving grace.There wouldn't be alot to lug around, the room wouldn't even look empty until someone finally came looking. They would be long gone by then, wrapped around air that would never find your parents lungs.Facing this way, all you could see was the sky outside, curtains billowing around the view. You didn't sleep much usually, but with your mind racing through fight or flight, there wasn't hope for rest tonight anyway.You named out constellations in your head, trying from your limited vantage point to see anything past that lone North star, bright beside her sister. You liked to think it was her little brother. That maybe it was you and your brother in another galaxy letting you know that everything was gonna be okay. That where you go, he would go beside you, that despite the darkness wrapping itself around you, the lights inside you can never be truly extinguished.You had no idea how much time had passed before soft voices flitted under the door, and you resisted the urge to bolt to the stairs. Your brother's head rested on your shoulder, his chest moving softly with every inhale and exhale.You moved slowly, guiding his head to the pillow before moving along the bed and walking to the door. Your hand paused on the knob, hesitating. Fear zapped through your body, and you shut your eyes harshly against it.
Why did you have to go and listen anymore? You were planning on leaving. It didn't matter what they were planning, you would be long gone before anything came to fruition, right?
You stood there, body shaking. But what if they acted tommorow? or the day after? Your mother’s line, the "rest of the time we have with you" made your stomach sink with uncertainty. Sure they were waiting for the festival but maybe that was the last step, maybe the plan would start soon, maybe it already had.You were scared. Scared of finding out just how bad they were, scared of just how little they gave a fuck about you or the boy curled in your bed, finding peace only in sleep. The axis of their world had shifted not 24 hours ago and the earthquakes that would come from it terrified you.But you were no coward. Even if you were leaving, curiosity nipped at your toes. You should have told someone about this a long time ago. Should've gotten them sent to their beloved paradis as titans and ended this bullshit, but you hadn't.You had no other relatives, no uncles or aunts to take you in, no one who would've looked at you and thought to offer a roof for two more mouths to feed. You had heard the horror stories of Eldian children in the orphanages. Seperated, assaulted, tortured, turned into titans for spite. Your breaths shook out of you, and you forced them to take your fear with it.Your hands turned the knob, the iciness of it meeting you first. On silent steps, your spot on the stairs beckoned you."-ource told me it isn't the head of the family, it's one of the women"Their voices were clear, slurred and hushed. You couldn't even recall the last time you heard them this sober, this serious."Why anyone would entrust a woman is beyond me"You brushed off the dig, too lost trying to gather what they were talking about."That type of thinking is why they do it, you nitwit, idiots like you probably think the same way" your father said, voice sharp and cutting. He was back. You would bet everything you owned that if you were to descend those steps and look into his face, it would be the same one that haunted your nightmares, not the smiling father of yesterday. The other man grumbled angrily but said nothing more."He has a wife and a daughter, so it must be one of the two" someone said, and the sound of a chair being scraped on the floor made you wince. What the hell were they talking about? Your father had a wife and a daughter, and you assumed the other men in this weirdo group probably had families."That's a high risk to take, we should just do in with the two little kids as well" another voice said, and the threat behind the words made your hands clench. Children, they were talking about someone's wife and children. They spoke like they planned to hurt them, devour them."It's obviously not the kids, they would be too young to inherit" your mother snapped. Another mask taken off, another puzzle piece tumbling to the ground.Inherit, a wife and sister, two children. Did this still have anything to do with the festival? You had spent too long lingering at your door in fear, missing precious context that had cost you. You wanted to curse at yourself, feeling like the world was slipping between your fingers.
It's fine, you were leaving in 4 days, 22 hours, 16 minutes, you were getting out of here, to hell with whatever they are planning.
You sucked in a harsh breath through your teeth, holding it before releasing it slowly. A technique you learned in training. A rattled warrior is a dead warrior. Calm your mind, take inventory, make a plan, execute it."They go everywhere together, it would be easier that they all go missing than just one" someone snapped, and you backed up a step. Is this a family they are discussing? A family that they planned on taking? You felt sick."We will discuss this more tomorrow, you lot are harder to deal with without the alcohol" your father said, voice exhausted and biting. That was a tone you learned to be wary around, to put an extra thought into being quiet, being invisible to not provoke. The sound of multiple footsteps had you moving silently back into the room, sweat trickling down your spine.You closed the door softly, leaning your head against it with a small thud. Your brother's form was still sleeping gently, as though you hadn't just left and heard everything you had. Your fingers itched to grab a paper and write everything down. Attempt to helplessly connect the dots. You might have to leave sooner than you thought, but that festival is the distraction you need.What did this random family have to do with the festival? With the Tyburs and your training and you? A boy's voice entered your memories, making your brain hurt.Its wielder, though a mystery, will always be a Tybur, one that stays close to the reigning leader in order to protect him, or it's him himself I suppose. The word inherit, were talking about a titan? Or maybe a fortune? A will?
It isn't the head of the family, it's one of the women. Do in with the two little kids. Too young to inherit.
You had no history books in this house, nowhere to go to get accurate information about anything concerning Marleyan royal families or titan histories other than the Eldian books hidden in the liquor cabinet downstairs. Which was locked by key, kept guarded around your fathers throat.You needed to go to a library, somewhere to read about this, but your last day of training was tomorrow, and if they pulled the same stunt to pick you up, you would have no chance to sneak off. It would have to be the day after then. You'd make up some excuse to go for a run, and then see what could be found.Your eyes found your sleeping brother again, finally going to get into bed. You strengthened your resolve, people were at risk now, people that were more than just you two. You had to figure this out, at worst: to be ready, at best: to save more than just you both. With that thought, sleep finally took you under.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next morning was no less jarring than the one before it, the knocks on your door before the beckoning for breakfast.The door opened a little harsher this time, your fathers smile not quite filling out. The shadows under his eyes were stark, whether from the withdrawals or from the conversation you overheard, you had no idea. Your brother got up with less nerves than the day before, and something about it made your anger spike before you tampered it back down.The air outside your door was once again sickly sweet, the same as it had been before, a sign that your mother had once again made pancakes. Deja vu hit your gut, and you let your head drop as you stood by the sink. The hot and cold treatment was wearing on your frayed nerves, making you question your sanity. Conversations from last night bled into dreams and dreams bled into conversations.You brushed your teeth quickly before opening the door, tensing when you found your father standing there, waiting. Your body braced, stomach in knots. This would be when he would release his anger, when he would bloody his fists with you. He had been biding his time surely. You bit your tongue, trying to stop the shaking that was slowly taking over your body. That one day had been a reprieve, a breath of fresh air you hadn't savoured long enough. You schooled your face, hiding your fear.His jaw clenched in front of you, his arms crossed in front of his large chest. He made no move to close the distance between you, but you knew better than to make any sudden moves. Despite his jaw working, pulsing the sides of his face, he only stood there, studying you. His eyes bored into yours, and you had no idea what he was looking for there. Your face had become so trained to reveal nothing, both from training and the man standing before you. The only time you let your guard down was at night, telling stories to your brother and looking at the stars, thinking of anywhere that was not here.His scowl evened out, never fully leaving, before he turned away with one last look, descending the stairs. You released the breath you had been holding, letting your body lean against the doorframe. It felt like the calm before a great storm, like the winds were blowing softly, giving you a taste of what's to come. You looked back at yourself in the mirror, wondering what the hell he could've been searching for. You hoped he hadn't found it.Your own face looked back at you, dark circles lining hard eyes. Your nose curved down into a mouth that was a straight line, as you had trained it to be. It was a hard face, stark where the lines should be soft, the face of a warrior. Your hair hung long around your face, adding the only touch of softness to be found. Your hands found their way to your eyes, softly touching underneath. Would you have looked more alive in another life? Would there be a day you look in the mirror and saw someone softly staring back?You descended downstairs, mindlessly following the same routine as the day before, itching to leave the house once more. Your brother ate happily, his leg lightly swinging against yours under the table. The touch grounded you, kept you out of your own head. Your mother’s face was like your father’s, smile somehow tighter, eyes rimmed.It must've been the conversation last night then. That, mixed with sobriety, had their cutlery landing harder on the plates, voices more clipped and faces strained. You left the house in the same rush as before, ignoring the smells of food vendors, the buzz filling the streets slowly as the days passed.More banners hung across lampposts, blowing gently in the wind. People walked around laughing, lost in coffee cups and good conversation on the street. You kept your head level, wanting so desperately to let your eyes drink in the sights and smells but not wanting to draw attention to yourself. Maybe one day you could take your brother here, and drink something soft and fill your bellies to bursting.You were the first to the grounds today, taking the time to put on your uniform without the prying eyes of the others. Your locker closed with a resounding thud, and it hit your stomach that this would be the last time you donned your uniform.Since you were 5 years old, an Eldian with a dream to save her people ingrained into her small brain. A girl who thought that she could do anything. With parents who believed in her, who wanted the world to pay for what it had done, at the expense of their daughter. A girl to fight wars, to sign her life away at adulthood and live to never see past 31. Everyday you had come here, and despite the change in your thoughts, the change in your parents, the crumbling of your body, this had been a small constant in a sea of change. Soon to be washed away as well.Your hand lingered on the handle before finally letting go and walking out to the field. Some of the others had finally arrived, blushes and smiles high on their faces. There was grease on their fingers, smudges of food around their cheeks. They had indulged in the food and sights of the vendors, had likely been given money from their parents to go have some fun and live a little. Something sour slid through your stomach, and you hadn't realised you were glaring."You look like you're trying to kill them with your eyes"It was the boy, the boy with the glasses and the smart mind and wild hands. You huffed under your breath, hating that you were read like a book. You pushed your jealousy back, schooling your face back into a blank slate before turning back to the boy. A cocky grin formed on your face as you noticed his small blush."You wanna be next?"It was an empty threat, even to your own ears, but you almost laughed at the way he squeaked out. He opened his mouth to say more, but you were already turning away before he could.Today was weightlifting, individual work that allowed you your much needed solitude. Sometimes you thought that you prefered the solitude just because it hurt less. The quiet was lonely sometimes, and in moments of weakness, you wondered what it would be like to be engulfed in noise that welcomed you. Company that sought your presence knowing everything that you were and are. You think you would probably smile more. Maybe you could learn what your laugh sounded like.Your steps were hollow when they reached the lockers, hours later. No one remarked on your shift in mood, probably similar enough to your regular mood that it made no difference. You swore to yourself that when you left, when you built a life for you and your brother somewhere far away, that you would learn to be happy. You would get better, move past this hurt and learn to fill it with something else."You wouldnt" a voice said from behind you, and you didn't bother turning.You knew who it was. Your body had tensed from the shock, but quickly relaxed. This kid had no shot against you in a fight, though startling you was ill advised."Wouldn't what?" you snapped, slightly pissed at being bothered when you were trying to brood. It was childish but with your life falling apart around you, you figured it was only fair."Wouldn't kill me, or anyone for that matter" he said, voice still strong behind you. This was the most anyone here has ever talked to you. After you had made yourself unapproachable, after you had given up about the Marleyan cause, everyone had dwindled off. No longer wanting to bother with the broken girl one step away from bloodying them up on the field. Something about it hurt, made a sadness curl in your gut.You spun around, eyes wider than you would've liked but you were down to your last minutes anyway."How do you know that?"Your voice was confused, even to your own ears. It was meant to come out harsh, a silent threat, but really you had never been that great of a liar.His eyes had moved from the ground to your face, and his hands moved behind his back, likely to stop you from seeing them wring together. You looked at him now, truly looked.He was cute, endearing in a way that was rare, especially despite their years of gruelling training. His brown hair fell in curls around his eyes, framing his round glasses. His face was open, eyes big and bright. There was a softness in him, in the way his eyes found your own. There was a light there, still wrapped around soft hands and glowing as bright as it did when they were kids. He had not faced cruelty, not in the way you had. The hand he had been dealt in this life was kind, t-shirt ridden up to show unharmed arms. He never came to training bruised, and his glasses were so clean, they shined back clear against the light.Unlike the others though, no jealousy raged in your stomach, no envy turned your insides green. No, he was someone who had been given kindness and had not learned to take it for granted. He was not like you, who had never really known kindness at all. Someone like him, who cherished it, deserved it. Maybe in another life, if you had been dealt a different hand, you would've liked him. To be loved is to be seen, and you didn't think he could ever truly see you. Not in this life.In another life, where your priorities were not escaping and learning to teach your body to accept pain, in another life where loneliness and aches were not your companions, maybe you could see yourself with someone like him. But not in this one. Not in this one where you could never show your scars and stomach his pity."You have been different lately, but you arent what you make the rest of us think you are" He said, finally speaking into the void.Your eyes bored into his, taking in his flushed face, his shining eyes and watched him look away to leave. He had noticed then, all the times you had been kinder in your fights, how you had refused to leave lasting marks or make brutal hits that you knew would ache for days after. You said nothing, shocked into silence. It was a sweet sentiment that a girl more alive would have fallen for.He breathed in a quick inhale, moving to turn away, ears bright red."I'll see you at the festival"He said finally, hands moving to open the door that would sign your sentence. Jailed behind your front door, forced into a plan that spelled danger. Your tongue moved before he could leave, the word 'festival' bringing back everything you had tried to shove away during training."The Tybur family, who do you think would possess the titan?"It was meant to come out light, curious. Not with the dread that laced your voice, the waver of your tone at the end. You didn't know where the question had come from, ripped from the farthest corner of your mind. But now it was out between you, left to linger in the empty space."Probably Lord Tybur himself" he said, hand making no move to open the door that would draw this conversation to a close. You released a breath, because he was right, that was the most easy and common consensus to make. The man himself was probably not too old, and could likely pass it on to any offspring or relative. Your shoulders released from their tension, admonishing the way your thoughts could have possibly spun so out of co-"At least that's what people would assume, but I think it's actually his wife or sister" he finished, turning back towards you. Your lungs hurt and your mind reeled. You schooled your face to reveal nothing, too aware of how perspective this boy really was. His eyes raved over your face, looking for a crack that did not exist. Behind your back, your finger flinched."Why do you ask?"Your heart was hammering so loud you were surprised it hadn't escaped the cage of your ribs and splayed itself on the bench in between you two. You couldn't be in here anymore, suffocating under pieces that were slowly clicking, so so slowly. You sidestepped him, walking towards the door."Because I wanna know who to look for at the festival, I hope we get to see the titan too" You said, and the truth rang through your mind.You really did hope you got to see the titan at the festival, standing by Lord Tybur. You hoped it was beautiful and deadly and safe, exactly where it belonged, because it would mean with certainty that your parents would be nowhere near it.You didn't look to see his face, opening the door and walking to the parents that awaited you outside without so much as a second glance. Your brother walked to you first, arms thrown around your side."You were in there so long, we were worried" He said softly, never making too much noise, the way other boys his age wouldn't think twice about. You looked down at him, smiling soft. A real smile, one that only he got to see."Sorry about that, I was just grabbing all my things"It was a half assed truth, not really having many 'things' to grab at all. In your arm was one uniform, folded and ready to be put in the chest by your bed. Ready to collect dust and be left there to rot as its wearer ran off to somewhere brighter, hopeful.Your father cleared his throat, a clear sign of his annoyance. You took your brother's hand quickly, starting to follow after them as they walked.The door opened behind you, probably releasing the boy who had given you every answer you did not want, but so desperately needed. A part of you wanted to turn around, to look at him one more time, because every step, though so small, felt like a goodbye. It was a soft part of you, locked away behind mountainous walls of armour. But you were not that girl, and he was not that boy. You did not look back, letting the finality of your steps be the last goodbye.You kept your eyes ahead, hand firm around your brothers. As you walked, they flicked down to him, watching the way his eyes roamed hungrily at the different vendors and events. There were people in costumes, banners of bright colours, reflecting against the glow of the setting sun. He looked at them like a man starving, and it made your chest hurt, knowing that the other kids running around did not have to hold back the way he did, the way you had.You would fix it all, make it up to him soon and go somewhere where the world was his oyster. He would taste everything, see everything and never want for anything again. You would make sure of it.You were inside your house before you got the chance to let the thoughts take fruition, to let them open their wings inside your head and give you solace. Your mother did not bother with the pleasantries of the morning, and you watched your fathers hands fiddle with the key under his shirt, likely itching for a sip of something strong.There were plates already set out on the table, pot left sitting in the middle, waiting for your return. You took your time stepping in, still reeling from the pieces you could feel getting closer together.They may have been talking about the Tybur family, but they may have been talking about a million and one other families too. They may have been talking about a titan, but also a fortune or will or a million other things you weren't considering. And even if they did want to know who carried the war hammer, what was the plan anyway? Torture them? Get money for the hostage to be returned? Its not like any of them could take the titan and run, most not even being trained in combat at all. How did it connect with you ending training? Why was time running out to spend with you? Every option was a dead end, a flurry of death wishes and stupid ideas. None of it connected.The food sank like a stone in your stomach, mixing with the roiling of your thoughts. You looked down at the stew, watching your murky reflection in the dark waters. This is the second night in a row you were being fed, the second night in a row they were lucid enough to eat alongside you.Usually you would have gone without a meal by now, whether by punishment or sheer forgetfulness. It would force you to stay up, wait until they slept to sneak downstairs and grab bread for you and your brother, munching softly to quell your growling stomachs.The food filled your stomach and yet the bowl was still halfway full. The portions were larger than usual too, almost more than they could usually afford, or maybe they could now that the main priority in the house wasn't wine."Finish your plate" your father said, voice exhausted and snappy. His eyes were already on you when you looked up, and you clenched your jaw to hold back your tongue. You yearned to speak your mind, unleash the same emotion you could in training, but a soft kick under the table had your words dying on your tongue.Your eyes went back to the bowl, and you picked up the spoon to continue despite the queasiness in your stomach. Your body felt full of cotton, groggy and not fully there.You clenched your hands under the table, trying to get some stability. Tomorrow you would go to the library, try to learn whatever you could two days before the festival. You just had to hold it together. 3 days, 5 hours, 6 minutes. Your stomach hurt and within minutes you and your brother were back upstairs, backs against the wall of the bed, eyes to the sky. Your head pulsed behind your eyes, likely from the thoughts that roamed through your head. Tonight you would listen for more context, hope that somehow it made sense and didn't wedge a deeper pit in your stomach.Your brother curled beside you, his hand still clutched in yours. His head on your shoulder was a steadying weight. His breathing was heavy, having fallen asleep quicker than usual but you didn't mind it, needing the time to sort through everything.The stars were a welcome sight, and you itched to take out a pen and write down your thoughts, your fears and prayers, hoping that out there, some nameless god would listen. Your head felt heavy, and despite the usually comforting weight of your brother's head, everything felt so much more exhausting.You felt your eyes shutting, so heavy from the day you had just endured. You felt like you could sleep for years. It didn't matter if you fell asleep now anyway, knowing the sounds downstairs would likely wake you up in a couple of hours. You were a light sleeper, waking at the slightest shift of a pillow. You learned to be in this house.Your eyes shut, welcoming the reprieve from reality.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
A knock had your eyes opening sluggishly, prying your lids apart. It felt as though you had slept for three years. Your gaze snapped into focus, the cult, the conversation, the festival. You went to get up before a ray of sunlight blasted into your eye, stopping you from your quest. Your brain felt like it was lagging, pushing blood ever so slowly into the crevices of your thoughts. You blinked away the pain.Sunlight? It was morning already?Another knock had your neck snapping up to the door, trying to shake your thoughts into movement. How could you have missed the meeting at such an important time? You hadn't slept a full night of sleep in... you didn't remember. The door opened slowly, and your fathers smiling face was a sight from your nightmares."Breakfast" He said, eyes flitting over you, then your brother, then back to you. Something swam in his eyes, making his smile widen, before he turned and walked downstairs.Your body was tense, and you finally allowed yourself to look over to your brother. He was getting up slowly, like he always did. His bleary eyes opened softly, and he gave you a small smile before getting up. How could you have fucked up so thoroughly?You wanted to scream, pull at your hair, rage and burn this house to the ground, yourself with it. More than anything though you wanted to cry, to beg your brother for forgiveness, because something about last night felt like a failure.You watched him walk away, your mind finally, finally, catching up. After cursing yourself thoroughly, you walked to the bathroom, scrubbing at your head hard in hopes of erasing your own shame. The plan was still the same, go to the library, find something, anything, and then go from there. A rattled warrior was a dead one. You would not be caught unawares again.You found your brother downstairs, sitting and reading some Eldian history book, the only thing your parents allowed to be read in this house. Your father was at the table, reading a newspaper as your mother hummed to a pan of cooking pancakes. The normalcy of the scene made bile rise in your throat, because this was wrong, all wrong. It felt like a staged play, pieces being moved around and you had no idea where you stood."I'm going for a run, i'll be back soon" You said, and your fathers gaze flitted up from the newspaper. He gave you a once over before flicking his eyes back to the paper. That was the best you were going to get.You turned, fleeing out the door before he could change his mind, which he did often. Your brain still felt like static, and your body felt exhausted despite the rest. Festivities were starting early in the streets, with music blaring from speakers and vendors shouting deals into the crowd. A part of you wished you could dance, could laugh and enjoy the merriment that rippled off the streets in waves. But not today. There was a banner being changed as you walked by, counting down the days till the festival. 2 days. It felt like a warning.You sidestepped people easily, moving in between the crowd, though many moved out of the way for you. God forbid they were touched by someone with devil blood. You clicked your tongue, annoyance rising before the crowd finally cleared and the library came into view.There were guards outside the doors, smoking a cigar and leaning against the wall."What is your business here Eldian?" One said as you neared, smoke heavy on their breath, wafting into your face. You hid your grimace, lowering your head slightly with clenched teeth."I enjoy reading Marleyan history sir" You replied, hoping it didn't sound as ugly as you felt saying it. So much hate, even in a place of fantasy and creativity."Good to read about the horrid things your people have done?"He was grinning down at you, voice filled with venom. You yearned to smack the cigar from his mouth, to speak your mind and for once not be an Eldian but just a person."Yes sir, it's good to remember our sin and why we are lucky to be in Marley" the lie slid like sap down your throat. Too sweet and too thick.The man leaned back at the answer, his ego stroked like a mutt. He nodded once, as though letting a girl into the library was the biggest grace he could've given, as though you didn't have enough training to shove his face into the dirt.But you did neither, only nodding in thanks before walking inside. You loved it here, despite not coming often, and your breath lodged in your throat at the sight of rows and rows of books.A memory from a lifetime ago flew into your mind, of opening a page and reading the language of love, about hope and how goodness always won in the end. Lies? maybe, but you liked to believe that they were all truths, all happening somewhere else, across another galaxy in another universe.You walked to the history section, skimming titles as you walked.
Marley: A History.The Eldian Sin.The Great Titan War.The Pillars of Marley.
Your eyes snagged on the last one, sliding the thick book out of the row. Pillars as in morals or pillars as in royal families? You opened the front, eyes drinking in the words on the pages. The morals of Marley, The Pride of Marley, The courage of-.You clicked your tongue in annoyance, closing the book and putting it back. Did the library even have a book on the Tyburs? Surely because the family was important and contributed to the end of a war, but, not necessarily because the family was uneventful following the war and there wouldn't be anything to write about. Everything was either a rumour or an educated guess, and the family themselves only visited Marley every couple of years. They’d played their part in the war and then...disappeared."Can I help you?" A shrill voice asked, and you turned to find a mean looking lady standing near the end of the aisle, arms crossed. Her eyes flicked down to the band on your arm, stare somehow hardening before finding your eyes again. You ignored the part of you that wanted to hide the band, instead squaring your shoulders and pretending you didn't notice."Yes actually, I was wondering if you had a book on the Tybur family? Im so excited for the festival and wanted to know more" You said, voice coated in sweetness. It was true after all. Well partly so. Her eyes softened a fraction, relaxing her face. Interesting."Oh, well yes we do, follow me" She spun on her heel, not bothering to see if you were following before walking away. Her heels clacked along the ground, and you found the sound was kind of nice. You wondered what it felt like to walk in heels, to dress like a girl and feel pretty. All you had ever known were the uniforms of the warrior training and whatever your parents could piece together from thrift stores. Ripped pants that were sown closed and long sleeves that were loose around the neck.It never really bothered you, but the thought of wearing something pretty brought excitement to your blood.The woman moved two aisles down, closer to the back wall, where a royal insignia hung above a shelf of books. Huh. Well consider yourself surprised. She leaned her head down, sharp eyes skimming book titles before she hummed happily and grabbed a book. She opened it with care, a gentleness that moved you before she turned to you, a small smile now on her face."Don't do anything to it or its a $200 fine" She said, giving the book over with clear resistance. It didn't escape your notice that she didn't end the sentence by calling you an Eldian the way most did, like she was more reciting protocol than anything else. It brought a soft smile to your face, something inside you feeling lighter. You didn't hate being an Eldian, no, what you hated was being lesser than. Your smile made hers go wider."Thank you for the help, Ill be sure to put it back before leaving"She nodded once, appeased by your promise and walked off, the clicking of her heels echoing through the quiet. You saw a chair nearby, and made for it without a second thought. It was a deep chocolate brown, leather soft from the heat of the building. It sunk down when you sat, and you breathed out a soft sigh. There was no good reason for you to be digging, it would probably only lead to more despair, but sitting in a soft chair, in a quiet room with a heavy book between your lap, life wasnt so bad. It was in these moments, such small breadcrumbs in the span of your life, that you felt hope. That refilled your empty bucket, even if only partly.You took a deep breath once more, feeling your lungs expand and hoping to expel out the anxiety inside you along with the air. You did not let yourself think twice, opening the cover and skimming down the list.King Fritz............................................. pg 9The Shogun Azumabito Clan............………..........................pg 64The Tyburs........................................pg 114Your eyes flicked over the page, turning towards 114. Every flip made your heart race faster, and you felt like it was about ready to fly out of your chest. Your finger latched onto the page, turning it and the sight that greeted you made your heart drop into your stomach. The first page was none other than a family portrait of the most recent Tybur family, confirming something that you hadn't been ready to swallow.In the middle, tallest and all encompassing was a man with long blond hair. He was not smiling but the lines around his eyes hinted at a joyous life, like a smile could erupt onto his face at any moment. Beside him sat a woman with brown hair, equally as fair and stern, on her lap sat two little children, likely no older than a year at the time of this photo. Your eyes flicked over to his other side, a woman, with blond hair standing beside Lord Tybur, a twin to him in every way but height. Her hand rested on his shoulder, a clear symbol of relation.A man, a sister, a wife, two children. The image ingrained itself into the crevices of your brain.Your eyes skimmed down the page, a family tree, their ancestors' involvement in a war, their economic status, their royal standing. Words bled together on a page as one dot slowly connected to another in your mind. Whatever your parents were planning had to do with this family, specifically the titan inheritor. The question was what they actually planned to do. Hurt them? They would unleash the power of the titan. Take them? Marley military would kill them once they were found.Their entire ideology revolved around saving Paradis, making the stupid king on the island undo the memory loss of his people and save them. Whether it was an Eldian take over or simply an equality of power they craved, you didn't know. The only guess you could make is that if they planned on doing something to that titan, it would somehow have to lead them to Paradis. It was insane, and foolish and you knew you didn't have the full picture. Something was missing, and the motive wasn’t fleshed out.You sighed into the book, wanting to melt into the crevices of the chair, but your brother was at home alone with two monsters. Whatever their plan was, it had nothing to do with either of you. You clenched your teeth, repeating it to yourself. You would leave. If they planned on stealing a titan, all the better cover. They wouldn't be home, and the second that door shut, you would be out the door with your brother. All you had to do was bide your time.You slid the book back into its slot, smiling at the librarian who had helped you before walking out the doors. Humidity sat heavy in the air, clinging your long sleeve to your arms. People still milled around the streets, though they congregated under the shade of a tree, the reprieve of an umbrella. Couples held hands under the breeze, smiling soft. Parents held children who whined from the weather. It brought a small smile to your face, even if it made your insides twist with longing.Things were different now though, a plan was finally in place. Your feet found your street quickly, anxiety at the thought of walking in and seeing your brother in pain pushing your steps faster. You opened the door softly, breathing a sigh when you found your brother sitting at the table, breakfast half eaten on his plate. His face lit up in your presence, and it made your heart melt.Your father looked up, newspaper still clutched in hand. The Tybur festival was printed in bold on the front page. You didn't look at him, opting to take off your shoes and walk to your spot at the table. Your stomach growled from hunger, and you did not bother waiting before digging into breakfast. You did not know when the next chance you would have at eating breakfast would arise when you and your brother ran.The plate was clean within minutes, and you looked up to find your mother smiling wide at you, clearly content at the food being eaten. Your body still tensed at the sight, something in the back of your head ringing out in warning. You knew now, a piece of their plan, and looking at them made you sick. You longed to run, to finally call this part of your life your past, but you did neither, looking away and grabbing your plate to put in the sink.With no training, you felt lost, unsure of which step to take. There was little to do in this house, barren besides the meager bit of furniture that made it liveable. You yearned to go to the privacy of your room, but then what? Sit in silence? Brood over the unchangeable?A book slammed down on the table, shocking you from your reverie. Your father stood there, arms crossed, eyes harsh. Your eyes flicked down to the book, memories and nightmares colliding together in your head. The harsh flipping of pages, the teachings drilled into a young mind with more than just hurtful words. The eyes of a fanatic, like a drug addict laying eyes on another dose. It was an Eldian history book, one of the ones that were illegal, filled with what they believed was the true history of your past. It was the first thing you learned how to read.Your fathers hands clenched at his sides in your peripheral vision, and you finally reached to take the books. It rested heavy in your hand, the same way it had years ago. Then it had felt like a dream, now it felt like a burden. Its pages were worn, frayed at the edges.The order was clear. Now that you were back here, it was back to Eldian training. It made your gut clench in anger but you reminded yourself of your plan. Two days of this and then the festival was here. Freedom was here.The thought grounded you, and you turned to the couch, book still heavy in hand before taking a seat beside your brother and opening its cover. You knew this story like the back of your hand. Knew the supposed history that everyone swore up and down that they were correct about. Whether it was Marley or Eldia, everyone was the same. Everyone was capable of good and evil, and even if the devil lingered in your blood, it all bled red the same.The words did not linger in your brain, but it passed the time, and so you sat, letting the sun descend as you read and read about an island across the sea. Your brother leaned into you, a comforting presence while your mind wandered anywhere else. You wondered what it was like across the sea, surrounded by great walls of titans. What answer would they find to describe the indescribable? To the walls and the titans that hungered for them.Your eyes slowly closed, content and warm to nap against your brother. Something in you felt slow, not fully there. It was like the world was in a haze, something sluggish and sticky. At the sound of your mothers voice, they snapped open. She was speaking, but her voice wasn't reaching your ears fully, and you yearned to close your eyes again and rest."I know you're tired sweetie but dinner is ready" She said. Her hands moved towards you, and it jarred you enough to flinch back, forcing your mind into overdrive. Exhaustion seeped out of your veins, replaced by panic.Her mask fell at the reaction, eyes ghosting over in anger before the smile returned in full force. Had you blinked you would have missed it. You got up slowly, looking over to your brother who was blinking his eyes open as well.You both must've taken a nap on the couch, content in each other's presence enough to fall asleep. That combined with the book and the weight of your thoughts must have did you in. Taking his hand, you walked him to the table, worrying that he looked on the cusp of falling over. Why was he so tired lately? Did he usually rest this much when you were away training? You didnt know.You got yourself into your own chair, still moving slower than you liked. You must just be sleep deprived, that had to be it. Porridge was slid in front of your face, and the wafting smell made your stomach churn. It smelled sweet, too sweet, but there was a lingering smell of something bitter. It was so subtle that it was barely there, but your mind still latched onto it, trying to put together something that was combining too slowly in your tired head. You would eat and sleep, letting your body rest and then take the time to put everything together.Your hand reached for the spoon, taking bites, your brothers chewing the only sound beside you. You looked up at your parents, realizing for the first time that they had no food in front of them. Unlike the first day, they didn't eat with you, opting instead to watch you two devour the food in front of you. Something red and loud was flashing in your mind before sinking underneath the waves of your exhaustion. Their eyes bored into yours, like a carnivore ready to devour its prey. Your stomach twisted, the food making your stomach queasy.You finished your plate quickly, unable to stomach their slithering eyes any further. Your mothers eyes lingered on the empty plate, a smile ghosting on her face. You followed her sight to the plate, trying to find what could possibly be making her smile before you flicked back to your fathers. His face, unlike your mothers, was blank, but his eyes. His dark eyes were creased in delight. Dread roiled in your veins.You backed up a step, turning quickly to your brother, who mumbled a goodnight before ascending the stairs. Hushed voices followed you up, moving quickly in excitement. Your brother's eyes were half lidded, some porridge smudged onto his chin. You moved him into the room quickly, getting on your knees when the door closed and taking his face into your hands. His eyes were cloudy, a groggy sort of not there that made terror rise in your chest. Your breaths were coming fast, hands shaking against a face that was not truly looking back at you.His head was going limp in your hands, and despair rose inside you. Your hand moved to his pulse, wanting to scream at the sluggish beat that met your hands. Was he sick? Was it the weather? A bug going around?You picked him up gently, laying him on the bed. His body was limp in your hands. You choked on the fear in your lungs, and your hands shook violently. You grabbed his face again, readying yourself to call out for your parents, a doctor, help, something, anything. Losing him was losing yourself, and you couldn't. You would do anything, anything.Your hands came up to your face, trying to hold yourself from crumbling apart, but the stickiness on your left hand jarred you, halting your open mouth. You moved it slowly away from your face, the sweet bitter smell hitting your nose. Your eyes flicked down, the porridge that had stained his cheek, now staining yours, was on your hands. And you felt something click somewhere inside your skull.Your eyes flicked back to your brother, then back down to the porridge on your hand. The smile at your empty plate, the threat to finish your food, the portion sizes, the smell, the exhaustion, the headaches, the missed conversations.It was the food. They were drugging your food.Your stomach sank, and anger raged itself inside you. He was a child, they could kill him, they were fucking drugging their children. Your brother's chest stuttered on his inhale, and your eyes ripped away from your hand, the anger extinguishing from your veins. His breathing was laboured and you felt tears spring into your eyes, despair sinking you lower to the ground. Your head was becoming fuzzier by the minute, and the fear that you would wake up beside him not breathing made you want to tear the sky apart.You moved to the chest, rifling silently for a pen. Whatever they had given you was entering your system before the initial dose had left, and you felt like you were being dragged underwater. Your hearing was fading in and out, dots spotting your vision. A sob grew in your chest, your motions becoming more erratic. You needed a pen before you passed out, needed to write this down before it was pushed into the caves of your mind.Your hand closed around it, and you ripped it out of the chest, muffling the sob that begged to be let out. They couldn't know you knew. The pen felt so heavy in your hand, moving so slowly that it took every thought you had. Please please please.Your sleeve was up, scars meeting your eyes but you had no time to look, to reminisce or think. Ink like ice touched your skin, arms already limp beneath the weight. The letters were painstaking, and you could hear your own laboured breathing flitting into your ears before the ringing began anew. The pen dropped from your hand, and your last thought made you tear at your sleeve, ripping it down before letting your eyes shut. Your head hit the ground with an audible thud.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
A bang jarred your senses, muddled underneath the water of your exhaustion. Someone was knocking somewhere far far away, but it was peaceful here, dark in here.Another bang had your eyes cracking open, releasing the reprieve of unconsciousness. Your mouth was filled with cotton, a lingering taste of sweetness on the tip of your tongue. You tried to raise your head, a vicious ache in your neck making you hiss, jarring the sleep from your mind. Your eyes cracked open fully, welcoming the sun that hit your back. You were on the ground, head stiff against the cold floor. You got up gingerly, the position pooling anxiety into your body.You stood slowly, on shaky legs that struggled to bear your weight. It was impossible, with the training you had and the amount of food you ate, that your body would be reacting this poorly, this weak. Yet your legs shook beneath you, muscles spasming with exertion. Your eyes flicked to the bed, going to your brother, whose eyes were opening so slowly. He looked wrecked, eyes sunken into his head. The sight made you want to scream. What the hell?You raced to him, ignoring your weak legs, and braced your hands on his back, helping him sit up. His body shook like a leaf underneath you, and you bit your tongue to stop the scream that was building in your throat. The door opened behind you, and your body tensed, fear and anger mingling in your stomach. Things were getting worse, falling apart at your feet all over again and you were helpless as the waves rose higher.You let your brother move groggily to the edge of the bed. Just a couple days ago he would have sprung up, energy high and ready. Now his eyes blinked slowly, limbs not working quite right beneath him. Your nails dug into your hands, cutting into your palms and bracing you to earth."Breakfast"That grating voice, the voice from your nightmares. There was a smile in that voice, you could hear it, and you resisted the urge to turn and shove your fist into his face. You would make him beg you to stop, the way you had begged him once a long time ago. But there in front of you, stood a boy who looked lost, frail and shaken and you could not turn your back on him.Steps faded behind you, and you held your hand out, taking your brothers and helping him walk the few steps to the stairs. Something was nagging at the back of your head, something you were missing. You guided your brother to the bathroom, letting him brush his teeth beside you. He looked like a gentle breeze could topple him over, and it made you want to collapse. You looked at your own reflection in the mirror, and your breath lodged itself at the sight.Your eyes were as sunken in as his, lips dry and chapped, face gaunt. You looked exhausted despite the night of rest. Shit you had slept the whole night, and missed another fucking cult meeting. Your head fell away from the mirror, the weight of the world falling onto your shoulders."Sis?" a soft voice croaked, and you looked over, to worried eyes that still didn't look quite right. He looked like that and still worried about you. A lump formed in your throat and you hugged him softly to your chest."Sorry I'm fine, I'm just going to shower okay?" You said, voice soft. The lie tasted wrong on your tongue, curling with something bitter there before going down. You felt him nod gently against you, and you released him, knowing he was probably hungry. He was there, getting sicker for god knows what reason and here you were, sleeping away your life and ruining the one chance at escape. You were a fucking failure.He padded away, steps near silent, and you closed the door behind him, letting the emotions wash you away. You wanted to cry and break the mirror and kill them. For the first time in 18 years, you wanted to kill them. You took off your pants, ripping them off your body, moving onto your shirt quickly after.Your arm went to turn on the water, but your gaze snagged on ink etched into your skin. You flinched back from the knob, stopping yourself. The writing was your own, but it was desperate, messy and smudged in some places. But it was your writing, you knew it like the back of your hand. You squinted your eyes, trying to make up the sloppy letters.drugging the foodBile rose in your throat, and you ran to the toilet, dry heaving into the bowl. Oh God. Flashes of last night bored through your mind, making you clutch your head in anguish. Your brother near dead, their faces, their smiles. No no NO. You grabbed your clothes, tearing them on.You reached for the doorknob, about to race downstairs and make your brother spit out the food...but then they would know.Your hand shook against the door, fighting between the anger that raged to protect and the fear of the consequences that would come after. They had gone crazy enough to drug their own children, if they knew you knew, they would do something else before you had time to piece it together, say to hell and do something worse. They couldn't know. The festival is tomorrow. You had to keep up the act for 2 more meals, that's it, then you would bolt. There would be no goodbye letter, no regret or shame.They deserved to burn in hell.Your hand released the door, body still shaken and not at full strength, fuck you couldnt even fight them if your tried. A rattled warrior is a dead warrior. Think think think. Your teeth clenched, trying to move your mind into overdrive.You wandered back to the shower, needing to keep the image up. The water cascaded down your back as a plan slowly formed in your mind. Realistically, you couldnt eat the breakfast and then go to the bathroom to throw it up. You could come up with something to get you outside so you could throw up but your brother was out of the picture. They would expect you both to pass out after, and your brother couldn't act. Fuck, he would have to be drugged one more time.Shame roiled in your gut, and you shoved your head under the water, letting it beat against your head like a punishment. It was cold enough to shock your system back to sanity. You would beg for his forgiveness on your knees once you both got out. You would let him hate you for it if it meant he was free. Your hands shook and you brought them to your mouth, breaths becoming laboured. You forced your eyes to shut and your body to relax, you couldn't pass out. He needs you.The plan solidified in your mind, and you prayed to any god that was listening that this would work. Your hands closed around the chilled knob of the shower, shutting off the onslaught. Your feet padded softly against the hard floor underneath you, and you yearned to linger in the bathroom, away from the reality of what was out there. With a final exhale, you turned the doorknob, descending the steps. You schooled your face the way you always did, thankful, for once, for the unreadable mask you learned to train so thoroughly.The scene was the same as the days before, though this time you could see the sinister layer beneath the fabricated happiness. Your brother was at the table, eating the pancakes much slower than he had the days before, and pain like a gunshot punched through your chest at the sight. You made your eyes flick away, refusing to let them linger before your shame got you both killed.You sat at your seat, watching your father flip through the paper in your periphery. A plate slid towards you and didn't need to look up to know there was a twisted smile on your mothers face. Who knew drugging your children brought more joy than the bottom of a bottle.You grabbed the fork, trying to hide the shaking of your hands. You couldn’t get caught, not this close. The food tasted vile in your mouth, but you forced yourself to chew. To not gag and slam the plate on your fathers head. You tamed the beast that was your anger, making yourself finish the plate, every bite sinking like a stone. The plate had just cleared when you were standing, moving to the sink in overthought, unhurried steps.“I’m going out to get the mail” you said, voice surprisingly stable despite the nerves that raced along your body. The sound of a chair squeaking brought your eyes up, the sound making your body rigid.“We don’t need the mail today,” your father said, face dark.His eyes were studying yours and something about his stance confirmed everything your mind had already believed to be true. That was unadulterated panic. Your face betrayed nothing, and you moved a little closer to the door, anxiety coiling in your gut.Your mind raced, and your mouth yearned to fly open and say something, anything else that would get you out of this house. But you hadn’t been listening to all those conversations for nothing. Their biggest mistake was underestimating you.“I heard they were sending out flyers about the itinerary for the festival. It’ll tell us where everyone will have to sit and where to get the best view.”Your mouth snapped shut and the fear that you had milked it made your palms sweat. It was too easy, almost a little too obvious but his eyes widened almost imperceptibly and you knew you had him. It tasted like victory on your tongue.You didn’t bother double checking, turning and opening the door before he could blink twice. Let them paint it as excitement, as young stupidity and recklessness. But you knew better.Your feet guided you along the street, every step faster than the next until you were sprinting to the fence, falling to your knees and heaving at the ground. Your body shook from the exertion and the taste of the acid on your tongue made you gag. Your stomach emptied itself on the street, tears falling from your eyes at the shock to your system.It tasted disgusting, just as bad as it had going down but even as your body struggled to return to normal, a smile broke out on your face.You spit one last time into the ground before getting up on shaky legs. Your face felt flush, too hot in the sweltering heat. You looked to a nearby house, noticing a newspaper rolled out by their mailbox. You didn’t think twice, snatching the new roll from its place and beginning the walk back home.Despite your body expelling most of the drug from your system, you still felt sluggish, not fully aware. It was likely from the dinner last night, the after effects still pumping through your veins, but at least it would work in your favour. You would have to go into that house groggy, near ready to fall to your knees and rest. It would have to be perfect.The wind blew at your hair, cooling your neck in what felt like a last goodbye before you put on a show and walked inside.You stumbled into the house, eyes half closed. You moved slowly, deliberately slowing your breathing as you walked. Your father was at the table, exactly where you had left him, eyes staring daggers into the door. He must have been waiting then, ready to go out there and drag your unconscious carcass back into these hellish walls if you didn’t return. Bile threatened to rise once more in your throat but you swallowed it down, pretending to not notice his stare.You placed the newspaper down at the table carelessly, like you were two steps away from crashing on this very floor. You mumbled something about being sleepy and walked over to the couch, heart stopping when you found your brother already laying there, fast asleep. But he wasn’t really asleep, you knew now. His breaths were laboured, and you resisted the urge to run and check his pulse. The show must go on.You sunk into the couch near his feet, laying your head against his legs before letting your eyes drift closed. Were you being convincing? Did you over play it? You had no way of knowing, but the sound of your mothers relieved sigh made you feel like it was good enough.“Lower the dosage for the kid, he looks half ready to die on my couch” your father gruffed out, annoyance laced in his voice.You kept your breathing deep, mirroring your brothers as your mind reeled. Not an ounce of empathy, not a drop of care for his own blood. It was disgusting.“I thought we would have to go grab her off the street” your mother said, voice devoid of the cheer she had so thoroughly perfected.Your father grumbled an agreement before the sound of steps reached your ear. The steps faded a little to the right, the cupboard? The sound of a key entering a lock made your finger twitch in anxiety. The liquor cabinet.You listened for the sound of a bottle opening, of a cork being pulled and of liquid pouring down a throat. What greeted you instead was the sounds of papers rustling, a stack hitting the table, the rattling of pills.You were an idiot. A raging stupid fool. Because what you thought was just a cupboard filled to the brim with alcohol was also a safe for every plan that you had been languishing over. Every answer to your question rested on that table, and you had been too slow to see it.You still had a couple more hours. Even with the festivities starting tomorrow, the Tybur play would start around 3 pm. To hell with the key, you had enough strength in your pinky to break that door.You calmed your thoughts, making sure your breathing was still deep. It relaxed your usually tense body, and you took the time to appreciate the break.“Tomorrow at 12:30 everything goes down, are you ready?”“Yes, it’s all already in place.”“The serum is there”“Two syringes”“And there’s enough of a dose to knock these two out cold until we need them”“As long as they eat everything, they won’t be waking up until they are done”Your breathing had stopped, and you struggled to comprehend what you just heard. Silently, you started your breathing up again, afraid to open your eyes and check if they noticed your stutter. It could just as easily be your body suffering under the effects of the drug, and you hoped that’s what they assumed.Fear slithered up your arm and wrapped its body around your throat, squeezing with every inhale. You knew it had been naive to assume that you weren’t part of this plan. Some cowardly part of you that truly hoped they would forget about you both. Give you reprieve from this life of suffering that they refused to end.It shouldn’t hurt at this point, and to some part of you it doesn’t, so used to their animosity. But another part aches. Because there is a boy sleeping beside you unaware that the first time his parents have ever shown him any love was so they could drug him, a part of a bigger scheme that likely took no account for him at all. Because inside of you there was a girl that revelled in believing that she could finally be free, only for a chain to clench tighter around her neck.You would make them pay, one of these days, for every bit of hurt they so happily dealt. And your biggest revenge would be forgetting about their miserable excuse of an existence. One day this paralysis won’t haunt you. One day they will be nothing more than a figment of a memory in the back of your head, as minuscule as a gnat that buzzes near your ear.The audible click of a lock brought you back from your thoughts and their steps finally receded up the stairs, probably to get some rest since that was not an option at night. The was no rest for the wicked.You don’t risk opening your eyes, don’t even risk shifting your body or breathing differently. You yearned to check your brother's pulse, hug him and apologize and tell him everything you know. But listening to his breathing was all you could do, so you did, letting the unsteady rhythm lure you to a restless sleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The sound of footsteps woke your senses first, and you resisted the urge to open your eyes, something that would've been so normal for your body just a week ago. It feels like years ago. How had it all gone so sour so quickly? Every time you tried to get just one step ahead, you were always ever two steps behind. You kept your breathing even, ears following the shuffling of feet, the clicking of a burner, the boiling of water. They were cooking dinner then.The silence lingered in the air, suffocating your lungs, and the stillness made your muscles twitch. It disgusted you to even think, but it was a good thing your brother hadn't been a part of this plan, a part of you knowing that no 13 year old would have held it together this long. The sound of a pill bottle made your stomach turn, and anger raged inside you, a wild thing longing to unleash itself, but you pulled the reins, hoping that it wasn't in vain. Plop, plop, plop, plop. A sense of impending dread was circulating in your brain, making you feel like the worst had yet to come.The scrape of a spoon against the bottom of a pan, an inhale into a deeper exhale. There was no more room for uncertainty, for second guessing and hesitation. You needed into that liquor cabinet, needed to understand the severity of what it was you were getting into. You couldn't fathom an outcome worth this suffering, but your parents had long since gone off the deep end, you had just been too stuck in denial to do anything about it.“Dinner”Your mothers voice ripped through your haze, and your teeth clenched at the desire to tear that sound from your mind. The minutes ticked away in your brain like sand trickling down an hourglass. You made yourself get up slowly, blink your eyes open with exhaustion that was only half feigned. The world was weighing down on your shoulders, and you couldn't remember the last time it didn't. Your brother shifted beside you, and your heart panged harshly in your chest. He looked as bad as he had this morning. All you could do was thank some god or universe that he had even woken up, and pushed the lump in your throat back. How could they fucking do this?Your eyes closed shut harshly, trying helplessly to ground your anger before they opened groggily again. A weak part of you wanted to get on your knees and beg them to stop this madness, to change and be better. But the stronger part of you knew they had that chance every day. They looked into your eyes every day and did not do better. You would not waste your breath begging your own parents to love you.You sat heavily in the chair, refusing to look into their faces. Too afraid they would see the beast that yearned to devour them whole. Your brother was already eating softly beside you, hand shaking, struggling to pick up the very thing that was killing him. What could possibly be worth this?You didnt let yourself hesitate, the clock on the mantle ticking menacingly behind you. Every swallow nearly choked its way back up, and you simmered in anger that threatened to melt the chair beneath you to the ground. The scraping of the spoons made your mind fray at the seams, and you forced yourself to keep it together just a little bit longer.The rustle of a newspaper, the hum of a tune, it all made your blood pound in your ears. When you were finally free of this house, you would start a garden. Use the hands that clutched this spoon and delivered pain to bring something to life. You would plant 18 different kinds of flowers. For every year that you had lost here, something would grow instead. They would be every colour under the sun, save for red, which you had seen enough of to last a lifetime.The stew on your plate was a deep shade of red, like the drippings of a carcass, the splatter of blood, the roiling in your stomach. The last bite went down the hardest, something slimy making you want to throw it all back up onto the table.“Good, right?” Your mother said, and when you looked up, her eyes were on the plate, a sick sort of delight twisted on her face.You looked away before her eyes flicked to yours, knowing that it would snap the very little restraint you already had. You nodded once, getting up to take your brother's hand and helping him from the chair. He felt cold, clammy, like his body was struggling to keep him alive.Helplessness pooled into your body, and you fought to not pick him up and run out that door until your legs gave out. But the longer you spent in your head, the longer the drug was in your system, so you did nothing.Pretending as though your heart wasn't cracking in your chest, you walked up the stairs. Your brother teetered along the steps, likely minutes away from passing out again. But you needed to get him to the bathroom to throw up somehow.Your parents were still downstairs, did not usually come up for a long while after but what if they did tonight? To check that their precious babies were thoroughly knocked out. The entire thing made you sick. Was it a risk you were willing to take? It had to be.You veered off to the bathroom, starting to shake in fear when your brother didnt notice, only walking mindlessly wherever you led him. You had 10 minutes left if the last two nights were anything to go by. You wanted to make him go first, to finally see the shining eyes of your little brother again, but your body was already starting to shut down on you. A numbness in your toes crawled its way up your legs, and you felt your breathing becoming more laboured. You turned on the faucet, hoping that it would mask the noise, and didnt hesitate before lurching your head into the toilet.Your body released the food easily, somehow knowing that anything you swallowed would be coming up. You tried to quiet your gags, and quell the tears that rained down your face. You reached out to your swaying brother, lowering his weak body to the floor before he collapsed. Every gag had you pausing for a split second, listening to any noise outside.You didnt wait for your body to recover before picking up your brother, shoving his face into the toilet bowl. Tears pricked your eyes, but your hand did not shake going into his mouth and down his throat. Anguish filled you at the jolt of his body, and you mumbled apology after apology with every attempt his body made to expel your hand. His head was limp in the bowl, and you used your other hand to hold his hair, not letting his face fall into the contents your own stomach had just released.At the feel of liquid hitting your fingers, you removed your hand quickly, cringing at the throw up that fell from his mouth. You stroked his hair softly through it, knowing that the volume was rising but begging the universe to just let you have this, to not have them walk in and find you and do something worse. His gags finally subsided, his breaths shaky and uneven. He was still limp in your hands, and panic raced its way through your system.It was likely the remnants of breakfast mixing with whatever could be absorbed from dinner, but you still longed to see your brother again. The big smiles and the bright eyes. You brought your brothers body to your chest, hugging him softly through the shuddering.Closing the lid slowly, you flushed the toilet, slowly getting up to turn off the water. Your body leaned heavily against the door, fighting off the urge to gag from the taste of the bile in your mouth. Your ears craned for any noise, but nothing greeted you. You didnt know whether or not it meant safety.You had no idea how long itd been, hadnt even been lucid enough to look at a clock for the last 2 days. You needed to get back to your room, guage the time from the never changing stars in the sky. Needed to look at the north star beside her little brother and feel like somehow everything was going to be okay. Silent tears of agony fell down your face, and you forced your body to push down the sadness. You could cry and scream when you were free, when this was finally over. Until then, a rattled warrior is a dead warrior.You picked up your brother, hand going to his pulse and shaking in relief as the strong beat that echoed back. Stopping only to brush your teeth, you turned the knob. Bracing yourself for anything on the other side of the door, you found nothing waiting for you.You tiptoed along the floor, turning the knob on silent hinges and closing the door softly. Something about this felt too easy, but then again, they always underestimated you, and likely weren’t even questioning whether or not they would get caught. Your parents had always had that sort of well assured arrogance. A misplaced confidence backed up by nothing but abuse and pride. You scowled at the thought, shaking your head to rid the thoughts. You felt like your mind was going in circles, trying to make sense of the senseless.You placed your brother gingerly on the bed, not bothering to join him. The window, a chance of reprieve, beckoned you. That and the lingering fear that if you slept, you would not wake up made sleep the last thing on your mind. You had never really needed to sleep much growing up, had preferred to stay up and play games with your brother, or look out the window and dream. Sleep had been a necessity to heal your weary bones, to bring you somewhere far away, even if only for a little. Now the thought of rest brought you dread. Brought sweat to your hands and shivers down your back.Your stomach growled in hunger, and you ignored it, the thought of food making you sick. Even being just a footstep away from freedom, they still got the last laugh. They still found a way to add misery to a bucket already overflowing with it. It made your blood boil, but more than anything, it made you so tired. A type of exhaustion that couldn't be fixed by sleep or closing your eyes.The stars shined back brighter tonight, high up in the sky. It felt like they were comforting you, in a soft and far away galaxy. You guessed by the darkness of the sky that it was likely 11 pm, close to midnight. How had so much time slipped away from you? The festival was 16 hours away, and if whatever you heard from the conversation downstairs reigned true, they had put enough drugs in that meal to knock you out for at least 11 of them.Your eyes flicked back to your brother, chest rising and falling more evenly than it had in days. You had no idea how long his body would take to work off whatever they gave him. If they had been giving you equal doses...You ripped your eyes away, refusing to give that thought traction. That would mean dragging his limp body for as long as you could carry him, that would mean a higher chance of your plan collapsing at your feet before it could even begin. You itched to make them pay, to make them cry and scream and apologize.The sound of a door slamming jolted you, making your body flinch. It sounded...like the front door? You got up slowly, leaning your body against the bedroom door, ear against the crack in the doorframe. Silence was all that met you. You had stopped breathing, trying so desperately to see if they had left. It could've been only one of them, what was the likelihood that both of them would leave the house this late?The liquor cabinet flashed into your mind, luring you like a siren's call. But what if they had only stepped out for a minute? The fear of getting caught clutched at your heart. You could run right now, take this time and use it to your advantage. But your brother was still asleep, and your only hope would be to wait until the last second before the start of the festival, hoping that it would have worn off by then.Something in your mind was screaming too late too late go now but you couldnt tell if it was in fear or a warning. It felt like a noose was tightening around your neck, making you wary of any step that you take. Overthought or precaution? The line was blending.You let your hand rest on the door, counting the minutes in your head. Every minute, your hands clenched tighter, wariness aching through your bones.At 45 of them, you stilled your breath, moving to the bed across the room. You were going into that cabinet. But once you broke it open, there would be no excuses, no hiding or cowering. The only option would be out that door, never to return. You reached under the bed, hand wrapping around the bag you wore to training.You did not let your mind falter, but every couple of moves, you would stop, eyes latching onto the door before starting again. Clothes were shoved haphazardly into the bag, along with spare toiletries and whatever else littered the bottom of the chest. You didn't look, didnt let yourself really study anything your hands grabbed before it was shoved into the bag. This was not the time.Your heart beat like a war drum in your chest, and your hands shook slightly. The bag slung heavily around your back, not from the weight of its items, but from the burden of what it meant. You walked the few steps back to the head of the bed, clutching your brother's sleeping form in your arms before walking to the door.With one last second to listen, to let yourself breathe deeply and solidify your courage, you turned the knob and stepped out the door for the last time. The silence of the house made goosebumps rise along your skin. Every step was too loud, your breathing like a ringing bell along the halls. The darkness had never bothered you previously, but something about the time counting down spelled doom in every shadowed corner. You clutched your brother tighter, trying to tell him to wake up, that you were here waiting for him on the other side.Your steps echoed on each stair, and the lack of response confirmed to you that no one was home. It was not as reassuring as it should've been. The final step reached you too soon, but you did not stop, walking to the couch to place your brother down gently before walking over to the liquor cabinet.The smell of alcohol somehow managed to permeate even the thick doors, and the sight of it made you cringe. You knew the sound of its hinges like the back of your hand, its heavy thud trained to make your heart race from fear. You had never even been allowed to go near it when you were younger, some unnamed shrine that your parents held more dear than they held you. And because of that trained fear, because of the way they had warped your young brain to simply obey or face worse consequences, you had never thought twice about it again.Had never thought that the answer to every question plaguing your mind for the last 18 years sat in a dingy cabinet beside the stove. Anger raged in your gut, boiling in your ears. You couldn't see past the weak body of your brother, past the despair that always existed in your eyes, past the faces of the people that made you feel so disgustingly impossible to love. All for what? for WHAT?Your leg kicked out hard, aimed perfectly for the shitty lock that hadn't stood a chance anyway. The wood splintered, shattering around you, bringing your anger down to a simmer.It was done. This was it. There was no returning from what you had just done. You had sealed your fate no matter what truth the papers held. You expected your body to seize, for your hands to shake and your heart to pang, but none of those things happened. You felt more clear than you had in your entire life.Your eyes flicked towards the clock on the mantle. 3 am, and still the house was a ghost town. You reached into the cracked wood, pushing the door open. Bottles stacked to the brim filled the cabinet, starting from the back to nearly the entire front of the space. Nearly.There, just about eye level, stood a stack of papers beneath two prescription bottles. Your hands reached for them, turning them over to read the label. Sleeping medication, extra strong prescribed by Dr. Grisha Yeager.You scowled at the package. Just one of these pills was enough to keep a fully grown adult asleep for 12 hours.
Lower the dosage, the kid looks half ready to die on my couch
They had been mixing it for you both, and from the sound of the rattling from yesterday, had thrown in around 4 pills. Bile rose in your throat, threatening to throw up the emptiness that welled in your stomach. You threw the bottle hard against the wall, revelling in the way it splayed open, pills crumbling to the ground. Not even enough to fill half the tube.You reached for the papers angrily, breathing deep to calm yourself. Your eyes skimmed across the page, jagged writing forcing you to close your eyes and calm down. You needed to focus, to try and read this before finally leaving this house for good. Freedom was less than 10 steps in front of you. All you had to do was read this and then you could go. You could go now a voice in your head beckoned, but your curiosity was like a beast's maw around your neck, forcing your eyes to what you yearned to see. You needed to understand what was worth this.Your eyes finally wrenched open again, sliding to the writing on the pages. You walked over to the table, splaying them out.
Y/N to inherit the power of the war hammer titan,B/N to inherit the power of the armored titan.Possible suspects for the war hammer titan...
The words continued on, guessing on who bore the titan, plans on how they would bring drugged children to a field and force them to devour innocents. A ship setting sail for paradis under false pretense, leaving at 12:30 on the dot. So many words on a page but your mind was not here. Had stopped and stalled somewhere just out of reach. Your hands shook violently against the pages, dread like nothing you have ever known pooling into your veins. No. No. No.This? This was their master plan? This is what they intended to do with you? With the child knocked out on meds, sleeping on the couch. You couldn't read any more, words blurring together and your thoughts falling apart at your feet. This couldn't be true, and yet your fathers handwriting stood stark against the pale paper. Your body shook violently, the world caving in on itself in your chest. There was no air, no air in this goddamn house that didnt stink of liquor or fear or sorrow, built into its very foundations.The front door opened, and every bit of fear you had ever known collapsed itself onto your shoulders. Your body froze, standing from the table.Eyes like a demon bored into yours, anger that could shake the ground and tear it apart launching itself into you."What the fuck are you doing?"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Your body was still shaking, fear sliding through you like tar. You flinched back, trying to gather your bearings."They were supposed to be asleep"Another man entered the door, Marcel by the sounds of him. Following him was a scrawnier shorter man. His eyes were wide, shock clear in every line of his body. Your breaths were stuttering through you. You were outnumbered, 3 to 1, but you had to fight. Freedom was on the other side of them. Freedom you longed for so badly that it made you want to collapse into the ground.Your father stepped forward, and you struggled to get into a battle stance for the first time in your life. But he did not move for you, he launched himself at your sleeping brother.You watched it happen almost in slow motion, your brain working a mile per second.Something in the back of your mind clicked into place, like a loose piece finding its way back to its spot. Your body stilled, air like fire finally filling your lungs to the brim. Fear no longer existed, something much stronger was taking its place.You bolted, meeting him halfway with a fist flying hard towards his face.Your body, a shield for your brother, the way its always been, the way it always will be. His neck knocked hard to the side, and you honed your attention on him, finally seeing the man behind the mask of father. He lunged for you, and you sidestepped, keeping him away from your brother's slumbering body.His fist flew out, faster than you had expected, and it dawned on you that you had never fought him sober. But then again, he had never fought you at your full strength. You didn't let yourself think twice, evading and giving another blow of your own. Your knee sank into his stomach, and his groan of pain was a song in your ears.One of the other men moved at you, but your glare had him stuttering back. It brought a wicked grin to your face, before your fathers leg kicked out at you, ripping your attention away from the others.He maneuvered around you, and you dodged, leg kicking out to hit him hard in the jaw. The crunch that met you was a glorious sound.This is what it felt like to be free, free of his torment and his bullshit. Free of the shackles that this house had put on you. Freedom was not out there, freedom was right here. You were walking out that goddamn door, even if all their bodies littered the ground behind you. His fist came to your face, and you dodged, ready to deliver another blow."Now now, that's enough"Sung a voice so cheerful, you could almost hear that insufferable tune begin to play in your mind. You had been so focused on your father, on the other two men grabbing something near the back of the liquor cabinet that you had missed your mother coming from back. And now she stood with a knife, sharp in her hand, poised right against your brother's throat.Your punch froze, and your father took his chance, slamming his fist hard against your face.Your knee hit the ground with an audible crack, and you bit your tongue to stop the whimper of pain. Your eyes were set on the knife that held your brothers life by the tip of a thread."You wouldnt" you croaked, hoping, despite everything, to get the upper hand. They needed him to take their titan across the water. To devour an innocent and unwitting man tied up somewhere.She tsked lightly, eyes disappointed, as though she was scolding a child. There was no human behind her eyes, there never really had been. You felt the tip of a blade kiss your throat, cutting into your skin. You wanted to flinch away, but they would simply cut deeper if you did, you had learned that the hard way."Anyone can take his place sweetie, he is replaceable" She said softly, eyes crazed."Then let him go, get someone better suited for this" You begged, and every move of your jaw pushed the blade farther into your throat. Please, please dont sentence the only person I love to an early grave. Please don't ruin him the way you have ruined me. The freedom that you had felt, the dreams that had kept you from going mad were shattering to the ground in front of you. Piece by piece."I mean if you say so"She dug the blade deeper into his neck, breaking the skin. At the sight of his blood, your body seized forward, but your hair was pulled back roughly, holding you in place. Your neck strained, vision whiting out from the pain."Wait, wait please don't"Every bit of helplessness you had ever felt, every bit of suffering you had ever endured held nothing to this moment. Your body shook, uncontrollable and stark. Everything was falling apart and your eyes could not look away from the drop of blood running down your brother's throat. He was whimpering in his sleep, and you yearned to take him and get you both out of here.Your hands were being tied behind your back, rough enough to make your shoulder nearly pop from its socket. You grit your teeth against the pain, refusing to believe that this is the end. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it can't be."Then behave" she growled, knife finally moving off your brother's throat. You released a sigh of relief, before your body barked in pain at being dragged up. Your knee struggled to bear your weight, something having broken harshly against the floor. Your mother had grabbed your brother, tossed him over her shoulders like a sack of potatoes before handing him off to one of the other two guys.Your body was not yours, you were watching the world move around you, but you were locked behind barbed wire. Gagged and bound and forced to take steps out the door that should've been your freedom, should've been everything you had ever wanted. But someone cruel pushed at your back, moving you in the opposite direction of the road. Despair leached into your body, making you shake. Please, please just kill me. Not this, please not this.Your brother was set in front of you, body shaking. It felt like they were putting bread in front of a starving man. A silent warning that any step out of line would mean losing more than your own life.You tried relentlessly to calm your mind, to look for any opening and figure this out but any wrong move meant failure. Anguish was tearing your bones apart, splintering your body. You walked towards a forest, trees so tall that even if you craned your neck, you wouldn't see the top. The hills and uneven ground made your knee collapse under you, but everytime, they only hauled you back up, pushing you forwards.You took one last look up at the stars. Your never changing constant, your one hope in a sea of change, and watched the trees swallow them whole.The darkness engulfed you, and you let the waves of despair carry you under. The footsteps sounded so far away, and you counted the seconds to keep yourself from crumbling. Your brother was moving slowly in his sleep, body trying relentlessly to breach the surface. You wanted to scream at him to stay asleep, to not wake up just yet because this reality was worse than any nightmare his brain could conjure up. This was the end.The walk felt like eternity, and yet not long enough. Every other step had your brother flinching, hands twitching against skin. You dreaded the moment his eyes opened, for the first thing he would see would be your bound body, shirt soaked in your own blood and soul broken. You had to hold it together, you couldn't give up yet. He was still alive, he was not a titan yet. He could still make it out of this, even if it cost you your life.You straightened out your curved spine, trying against all odds to breathe under the water that was drowning you. You closed your eyes slowly, letting the tempo of the earth beneath your feet stabilise your seizing heart. You were pushed to the ground before your eyes could open again.The push knocked the air from your chest, and you coughed harshly at the way your lungs spasmed in your chest. Your eyes snapped open to the worst sight you had ever seen.Sat not 5 feet in front of you were two women, bloodied and unconscious on the ground. Their faces rose to the surface of your mind, etched into a book in a library that felt lightyears away from you. The Tyburs. Beside them, only two trees away was an older man, similarly beaten. He was tied to a tree, eyes closed and swollen.Tears finally broke free from their cage, and you didn't try to pick yourself up. Everything you had worked for, everything you have ever loved and protected. This was insanity. Your mind fractured in on itself, fear and pain and anger biting at you. You had to get out, you had to save your brother. You went to rise to your knees, but a hand shoved your face back in the dirt. Pain rippled through you, and you clenched your jaw in agony."Sis?"The voice had you raging against the hand that held you, kicking out your leg and hitting something that made a satisfying grunt. The second your head was released, you got to your feet.Your brother was on his knees, eyes afraid when they met yours. You could tell he was shaking, even from here. His eyes flicked down to the blood on your shirt, to your bound hands and brutalized body before finding your eyes again. A light fizzled out behind his eyes.A man was standing behind him, syringe a hair away from his arm.A scream tore from your throat and you lunged. Your father was in front of your face before you could blink, but you sidestepped his punch, using your shoulder to bash into his sternum. You needed your hands, you couldn't fight all of them like this. It wouldn't end like this, not like this.Another lunged for you, and you went down hard. You tore your neck back, ignoring the pain and letting your skull hit their nose with a sickening crunch."Stab them now! NOW!"Someone was screaming, but your blood was on fire. No no no no. Your eyes found your brothers, willing your body to get up and move. A punch sent your face reeling to the ground, and your brother's scream of terror was all you heard before something sharp and blinding stabbed through your neck.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
This was hell.
Dark.
Ravenous.
Hungry.
Two girls on the ground, the taste of blood gushing down your throat. Coating your tongue. More.
MORE.
Something in your chest hurt.
A tingling somewhere far away urged. Urged you to turn and eat and devour.
People hiding behind trees. Their faces made your stomach clench. They looked afraid. They should be.
Hands so monstrous squeezed and pulled and delighted.
Hunger.
Bite.
Eat.
Devour.
Rage.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Your eyes blinked open slowly, head pulsing like a hammer. Something hot was dripping on your face, something sticky and smelling like copper. You looked up, and your mouth burst open in a scream.Your fathers body laid limp in a tree, bottom half missing and carcass dripping blood onto your face. You crawled back, struggling to get up to your feet. Your feet squelched on the earth, drenched in puddles of blood. Your hand came to your mouth to muffle your cries as you looked around the clearing. Blood splattered across the trees, body parts blown around haphazardly, footprints the size of mountains laden across the floor.2 feet away slept your brother, covered in blood. You ran to him, falling to your knees, hands shaking along his neck. Your fingers were slick with blood, and you gagged at the feeling of it beneath your hands. You felt for his pulse, laying your head on his chest. A steady beat answered back. He was breathing. He was breathing. You cried a sigh of relief, checking over his body for wounds.Everything came back to you, like bricks raining down on your head. You jolted away from him, landing roughly on the ground. The bodies of everyone that had ever hurt you laid destroyed around you and yet, you were still not free. Something inside your chest was cracking beyond repair, opening a chasm inside you that tore you apart.The boy laying asleep, that little boy that you had done everything to protect, to promise a good life, would never live past the age of 25. Your head fell back to the sky, a sob ripping out of your chest."Its-its too much"You sobbed into the night air, tears tracking down your blood stained face. You had failed. They had sentenced you to an early grave. There was nowhere you could go, nowhere that would be far enough. They would hunt you for the rest of your numbered days. You both had eaten two of the nine titans. Marley would never let you live.All you had ever yearned for was love, peace and quiet and now it was nothing but a figment of your imagination. Screams tore from your throat, broken and destroyed. How could they have done this? Had everything they had already done not been enough?The world bore down on your shoulders, and you wanted to let it drag you into the ground. Shards of what could've been scattered around your feet, cutting into your skin and bleeding you dry. Plans and hopes and dreams flying into the breeze that shook your very soul. What were you supposed to do now? Everyone laid dead around you, and Marley was no doubt coming. You screamed yourself hoarse, breathing felt like glass in your lungs.Maybe they would excuse you, a warrior already trained but your brother, they would make someone eat him. Someone worthy of this stupid curse that was thrust upon you. Something inside you was tearing so viscerally that it sent your body into a spiral. Air refused to enter your lungs, spots dotting your vision. The sun had begun rising on the horizon. You needed to go, needed to flee but where?The shout of voices had your hackles rising, anger and fear replacing the pool of dread. People were coming this way, and if they reached you, you and your brother were dead. Something about it seemed easier, a part of you yearning to get back on your knees and surrender. But you would not watch helplessly as your brother was taken again. Anger tightened the chains around you like a vice. Your life has been stripped from you, the food you ate laced with poison. You were beaten more times than you were hugged, you were cut open, left raw and bleeding. They would not take the last thing you have left. You would not let them. Your mind raced, seething against the rising anxiety. A light came into view, far away.You could not run, you wouldn't make it far enough and they likely already have the perimeter surrounded. There was supposed to be a ship to take you to Paradise, but your eyes had already taken inventory of everyone dead, including the restorationist that was supposed to take you both from here. Your gut roiled, knowing the dead lay on your hands. You couldn't find it in yourself to regret it. Their ends were too swift, not brutal enough to warrant the destruction of your soul.But that was just it wasnt it. The only place in the world with walls the size of titans, a threatening enough King to keep Marley at bay. People who did not know you, a life that could be safe and quiet for the little time you had left. Your parents had been monstrous fools, sick and twisted and vile, but they had been right about Paradis. They had forced your hands. There was nowhere else on this earth safe enough for you now.Faces appeared between the clearing, and with no weapons or hope, your body acted before you could think. You bit into your hand. Blood entered your mouth, tasting like something from a lifetime ago before crackling light filled your senses and you transformed. Your mind reeled at the size difference, looking down to the humans that laid underneath you. Your head felt clear, one emotion stark against the many. Rage.You looked down to your brother's form, ignoring the screaming from the Marleyan soldiers.
Can make anything out of titan skin.
That had been what a boy said, somewhere far away in your memories. You imagined a bow.Your blood ignited when your body responded, the perfect replica in your mind finding its way into your hands.Screaming was getting louder, but blood was pumping into your ears, too allight with the sound of excitement. This is what it meant to be invincible. To protect and to rage back at the world that harmed you. You were sick of fear, sick of its tongue shoved down your throat and wrapped around your heart. They had already made you into a monster, your time was limited anyway. Fuck it.You picked up your brother gently, eyes flicking to your own human form wrapped in titan hardening.
You could feel it, somewhere in the back of your head, like the timer on a stove top. Time was running out, and you were but a beacon of light to a raging sea. Other titans would be here soon, and you wouldn't stand a chance against them all, at least not without training your titan body first.Sirens were blaring somewhere far away, making your stomach churn. You willed your mind to open the cocoon, placing your brother's body safely inside before moving the crystal into the bow. Your eyes, lined by titan hardening, looked up to the sky. The northstar, now barely there, made your heart pang softly in your chest. At least this small solace had not changed. But you had.You looked to her sister star, facing the direction of Paradis and launched back the bow. Even with your new height and vision, you could not make out an island from here. People were shooting at your legs, minor aches that felt like bee stings. Anxiety laced your gut. You could undershoot this, land in a violent sea that would send you both sinking to the bottom, never to be found again.Light flashed behind your eyes, the crackling of a transformation. Ringing filled your ears, your head.
Time was up.
You pulled back hard, muscles straining and pulling. You breathed out a prayer, hoping that even if you went down, maybe it would feel like the fall of a shooting star. With one last thought, you let go. A rope snapped, a titan collapsed, and the whirring of the wind sounded like a song.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Your body jolted hard with the landing, dirt going up like a tidal wave against the ground. Your brother's body lurched at the impact, eyes flying open, clear and lucid. His breathing came out in heaves, body tensed in panic. You reached out, hands against his face, forcing his eyes to you."Hey hey relax, its okay, I'm here" You said, though the lie was bitter on your tongue.You pushed your racing thoughts away, focusing on him. His erratic eyes found yours, and you smiled despite everything, because they were alive with life. His eyes flicked down to your smile, body finally relaxing against your hands."There was a voice, a man in my head" He said softly, breathing slowly evening out. The past titan wielder. Fuck. You nodded somberly, understanding written all over your face because whenever you weren't thinking, a brunette face wiggled its way into your own mind.He looked away from you, eyes falling on the crystal that encased you both, and past it, the miles and miles of empty lands that held no trace of Marley. You took the time to look as well, mind unsure of whether or not you were inside the walls.At least you had made it, at least you were alive but for how long? Your hand reached out to the casing, feeling it chip away under your hands. You needed to get to high ground, you were in titan territory now."What happened?" His soft voice asked, round eyes finally going back to yours. You could see the gears in his head struggling to make sense of what was clearly impossible. The pills had been enough to knock around even your own memories, but you couldn't tell how much was left of his."Whats the last thing you remember?"Your back was tense, hands still working to chip away the pieces under your fingers, soon there was a hole the size of your hand, letting the air into your sanctuary. It smelled different, cleaner, lighter, freer."I remember seeing you train, and mom and dad making us stew?"The last part came out uncertain, his mind probably unsure what meal was what. It pained your heart, and you revelled in the fact that those monsters were dead. But now your brother sat behind you, confused and lost. How much of the truth would you let burden his young shoulders?"Mom and dad are dead" You say, finally opening a hole wide enough for your body to slither out, turning to face your brother again. You expected grief, fear, uncertainty. But he looked weirdly calm, almost peaceful. His reaction soothed you, and you continued, moving to grab his hand and pull him from the crystal.He followed after you, and the trust in the act brought a softness to your chest before you took the time to look around and take in your surroundings. The majority of the land was barren, save for what looked to be tall trees in the great distance. Green grass grew as far as the eye could see, no smoke covering the now clear sky.You knew you had to make for the trees, not only to keep from getting eaten but to try and find these monstrous walls that held both your prison and salvation. Yet something about the sight of them made you shake, made dread line the inside of your throat. You pushed it away, starting to walk despite the shaking of your hands."They drugged us and made us inherit two of the nine titans. I brought us here to Paradis, since there is nowhere we can go on the mainland that Marley won't hunt us now"The words were shards of glass to your soft lungs, and your eyes flicked down to your brothers, too anxious to stop walking. You had never seen a titan, not really. You knew poor Eldians, caught for whatever miscellaneous crimes, were forced to become titans, to feed on their blood until they were no more. So many had been sent over the years, did the walls truly still protect the Eldians here from all of them?Your brother's hand clenched harder in yours, his face going down to the ground. You gave him the time to filter through what you said, knowing what a shock it must be."So we are titan shifters now?"The trees loomed ahead of you menacingly and you didn't bother looking down."Yes"His breath stuttered, and your hand shook in his, scared of the condemnation that would surely come. You had failed. You had sworn to protect him and keep him from suffering and you had failed so royally. It would make sense if he hated yo-"So no one can hurt us anymore"Your heart stopped, legs stuttering to a halt beneath you. He should have been yelling, screaming at you and berating you but when your eyes turned to his, light so blindingly bright shot back. It jolted you, making you step back.He was right. In your grief you hadn't realised exactly what had happened. There was no one anymore. Your parents were dead and Marley may send a fleet to the walls but they were down two titans. It would take years for them to recuperate, to band together and form a squad to get you back. And even if they did, you were titans now.You were no longer the weak kids beaten behind closed doors, no longer helpless to a world that spit and degraded you. Hell, on this island, you weren't even an 'Eldian' at all. You were no one. Someone ordinary in their eyes. Someone extraordinary in your brothers. A lump formed in your throat, a truth waiting to be locked from its cell."Yes, but we only have 13 years left to live. It's the curse of being a titan shifter." Your words weighed heavy, but he just shrugged back at you, gripping your hand tight."Okay, but even if its 13 or 100, we are together."He said it with a certainty that made you want to fall on your knees and cry. It was not the freedom you had pictured, nowhere close to the life you had wanted, but if all you were given was 13 years of watching your brother grow up without getting brutalized, 13 years of laughs and smiles and love. Then you would thank every star in the sky for it. Rage dissipated from your lungs, watering the ground beneath your feet.Your clothes were still sticky with blood, your brother not much better off. The trees beckoned behind you, and on lighter steps, you once again began your trek.The trees only grew more monstrous in size as you got closer. Flashes of a dark hunger swept into your mind before you blocked it away, forcing your feet to keep going. The lack of titans made your palms clammy, and though you couldn’t say for sure if you were within the walls, the lack of civilization made you feel out of balance.The rustling of leaves blown across a soft wind met your ears, and you breathed in the clear air. The first tree greeted you like a giant, all consuming and large. Within the forest, darkness like night lurked. No light seemed to be able to permeate the great trunks, etching the inside of the forest in black ink. Your palms turned clammy the longer you gazed into the abyss. You looked away, kneeling down on one knee to help your brother up.His palm landed on your shoulder, foot sitting in the socket of your hand, neck craned towards the top before a scream echoed through the trees, chilling you to the bone. You stilled, anxiety seeping into your veins.The scream had been female, human, desperate. You craned your ears, listening to noises that did not click in your head. The whirring of something, the release of air, a heavy thud. What the hell was going on?“Go, I’ll distract him!”The girl was yelling and everything in your bones urged you to run in and help, but your priorities were not within those woods. You forced yourself to look away, clenching your teeth. You needed to protect your brother, clearly there was danger lurking and you would be a fool to rush in there blind. There was no doubt you were outside the walls, and you cursed yourself for it. These people could not know you existed, did not know that life lurked beyond their island.“We have to help them”Your brother's eyes were on the darkness of the forest, peering in like if he looked hard enough he could see the way. Your spine hardened, jaw clenching on itself.“No we don’t, I have to keep you safe” you said, head aching from the way it burned to turn your back on people in need. Not your problem, not anymore. Blood already stained your hands, what was more?Your brother's eyes turned to you, harder than you have ever seen them.“They will die in there”You wanted to scream that you knew that, that this idea was ridiculous and you couldn’t risk this bullshit for some strangers but you couldn’t, because your neck was already facing towards the cries of fear. So similar to your own that your hand came to your mouth to check it wasn’t you screaming. Your hands clenched on themselves, fighting everything you have ever learned with everything you have ever tried to be. Goodness in a cruel word, light in the darkness, stars in the night sky.Your head whipped back to him, and he was already looking back at you.“The faster you climb, the faster I go to help them. Climb.”He did not hesitate, hooking his foot into your hands. Your arms pushed him as far as he could go up to the tree, and once he was scaling its side, you cursed at the sky, running into the darkness that swallowed you whole.Your breaths came in pants, and you didn’t let yourself look up at the trees, to see the similarities that were implanted in your veins. The sound of screaming was still going and you huffed, pushing your body harder. The noise jarred you but you didn’t let yourself think passed it. It meant they were still alive.You reached a small clearing of trees, feasting your eyes on every bit of information you could before making a plan. There was a boy and a girl, on opposite sides of a titan. Your breaths staggered in your throat, swallowing the air in your lungs.A titan.It was horrific. Every bit as monstrous as you had imagined. That had been someone once, had been you once too, a voice hissed in the back of your brain. It leapt across a tree, faster than you could blink. An abnormal titan. Your eyes latched in fear at its mouth, open and hungry. Ravenous.You shook your head, forcing your brain to assess and plan. The girl was evading the beast but only narrowly. She was somehow flying in the air, using a contraption around her waist. From her position, there was no way she could reach its nape, and by the way she was zipping away in fear, she knew it too. Her spiky red hair whizzed behind her, the beast narrowly missing taking a chunk from her head. The boy, frozen in fear, could not move.She had been the one screaming then, telling him to run in order to save himself. You looked down at his body, scanning his waist piece before your eyes latched on the swords in his hands, shaking from fear. You moved before you could second guess yourself. You had not been training all those years with nothing to show for it.You ran to him, closing the distance before he could flinch.“Give me your sword if you want her to live”Your eyes bored into his, tone leaving no room for argument. His scared eyes flicked to yours, the same hazel as his hair. He looked no older than you, and it sent a pang to your heart. The girl herself looked just a bit older than your own brother, scared and alone in trees as tall as mountains. You had no time to waste. His fear was making him useless, and you scowled at his slow reaction, reaching into his belt and grabbing the blade yourself.You felt it cut into your skin, sharp enough to cut the wind blowing through the woods. A smile found its way to your face, this would be perfect.You turned away, running towards the titan. The girl had fallen to the ground, helplessly trying to click at the handles in her shaking hands. The titan had lunged to the ground with her, seconds away from pouncing, maw already open wide.You lept, slashing away at the titans heels a second before it could leap, sending itself slamming to the ground. You hopped up onto its body, ignoring the way it felt like human flesh and ran up its back. With a scream, you brought the blade down, slashing at its nape along with your hands, knife tearing through like butter.Blood, so hot it burned, splashed along your face, mingling with the blood coating you. The smile on your face was victorious. It felt good to release your rage, to save and to do something good.You got off the beast slowly, hands and face steaming from the blood. You knew your hand was steaming from the open wound closing itself up on your palm, but you thanked your lucky stars that it only looked like the evaporation of titan blood.Your eyes found the two you had saved, the girl studying you with a mix of awe and lingering fear. They wore the same uniform, with green capes on the back, a symbol of wings cresting its middle. They looked like warriors, or something Paradis equivalent. What the hell were they doing beyond the walls?“You saved our lives” the boy mumbled, something like reverence finding his eyes. You made your face reveal nothing, hell you should’ve run off by now. Your brother needed you. The lingering adrenaline worked its way through your system, a release in the anger that you kept buried so thoroughly.“You did not see me here”The words came out stark, almost like a warning and a plea. It didn’t hold any weight, and the two in front of you knew it. If you had wanted them dead, you would’ve let the titan have them.Despite this, they nodded dumbly, eyes still wide, likely experiencing shock. You clicked your tongue, annoyed, but you couldn’t leave them knowing another titan might very well come and attack them right after you left.“Do you have a way out of here?”The man stepped forward, and you raised your blade, making him pause. The girl spoke up, standing slowly.“Yes, our squad will be here soon”She said it like there was something underlying there. Like a leave before they find you. Like a thank you. A green flare went off in the distance, and you backed up a step.You lowered your blade, nodding once before moving to turn. You couldn’t ask them which way the walls were. Too obvious of a question when already their responses boded to knowing something was not right. You didn’t look like you came from the walls and you knew that, not with your bloody clothes or mysterious armband. There was a line here, between a thank you for saving our lives and a repay me by erasing mine.You walked off without a second glance back, finding your brother exactly where you left him. High up on a tree, his hand waved out, signaling you to come up. You put the blade between your teeth, using your skilled hands to climb up the tree within seconds. His mouth was opening before you had even secured yourself on the branch.“Did you save them?”You nodded, a smile finding its way to your face again. The titan had been huge, scarier than anything you had ever seen, but the exhilaration of bringing it down had brought victory to your blood. It felt good knowing that two people lived because of your help, that even though you were a monster, maybe one day you could wash the blood off your hands by putting some goodness into this world.Your brothers answering smile felt like the sun's rays on your face after a cruel winter. He looked proud, something you hadn’t seen in so long. He asked you to recount what happened and you did, voice soft, the way it was when you told stories of far away lands and unseen adventures.His eyes stayed enraptured throughout, eyes wide and mouth agape.“So there’s really people from the walls that leave? Why haven’t they come to Marley yet?”He said, voice confused. You winced slightly, emotions written all over your face in a way that you never truly allowed, unless it was with him. Marley made sure that the Eldians on Paradis stayed ignorant. Stayed behind the rest of the world. The whole point of the titans was not only to punish Eldians in Marley, but to keep anyone in Paradis from finding the truth. That and their blasted King could start a rumbling at any moment.You told your brother as much, sighing at his troubled face.“It’s not fair to them” he said, voice tense. You reached out your hand, humming when he took it.“No it’s not, but we can’t do anything about it”He looked away at that, mouth clenched shut as he looked at the sky. He looked like he was holding his tongue, deep in thought about something he yearned to say, and you waited. But he never opened his mouth, only leaning his head back against the tree. Your heart wilted at the silence but you took the time to look at the sky with him, the first time you have relaxed since last night, when everything had changed.Was it really only hours ago? Violent images rose to the surface of your brain and bile rose in your throat. Glimpses of hell, the vague sound of screams buzzing in your ear before silence returned. monster monster monster. Your head pulsed, and you clenched your teeth, trying helplessly to focus on the sounds of the rustling leaves.Your fathers broken body rose unbidden in your mind. Rage so visceral, it had consumed you. You remembered every crunch, every snap and gush of blood. You could’ve stopped after the two women, but you had yearned to make them pay, make them suffer.You gagged into your hand, looking away in shame. Is the one who eats the monster doing an act of righteousness? Or does the wickedness of them slowly seep into their bloodstream, tainting every cell until the two are inseparable? Are you any less of a monster than the ones that created you?You had been so sure before, that you were nothing like them. That you were good, that you would do the work and unlearn everything they taught you in a house far away under a blue sky, with 18 different types of flowers outside. But now that blood stained the inside of your stomach, that you had revelled in their deaths and come alive at the bloodshed…Your brother breathed softly beside you, urging your eyes to him. His breaths sounded strong, even, so unlike the boy that nearly died on the couch a night ago.Looking at him, alive and well, you didn’t care if it made you a monster. Not anymore. Not when his body was laying beside yours in a forest so green, it was technicolor. Not when his abusers were finally dead and you did not have to question whether or not you could protect him. This was freedom. Or as close as you would ever get.Marley would one day be at your throat and maybe pain is all you would ever know, but so what if it made you a monster, you would happily be one than watch the people you love die at your feet. You would never be that helpless girl again. Never be the girl that sat happily in second place, or became used to being a punching bag. That girl had died when the titan was born.There was no taking back what had been done, and you would be lying to yourself if you even thought for a second you wouldn’t destroy them again. This was not what you had dreamed of, not what you had held so close to your chest a lifetime ago, but when you laid down beside your brother, watching the clouds move above you, it was enough.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The night sky bloomed bright over Paradis, the stars shining so bright without the pollution of Marley. There was no noise past that of nature, the scurrying of small animals and the buzzing of small critters.Your eyes latched onto the gorgeous North Star, so much brighter above this island. Her sister star bloomed bright beside her, so close their rays nearly touched.You looked over to your brother, soft with sleep. He looked more peaceful than he ever had in Marley. He did not shift from bad dreams, did not have bruises littered across his face. Even the cut on his neck was replaced with unharmed skin. Your mind reeled, hand flying up to your own neck, where a cut should've been. All that met your fingertips was smooth skin, soft underneath the layer of blood. Your hands tore up your long sleeve, praying to the moon, the sky, the stars that maybe just maybe.Scarred skin met your eyes, and you flinched away in disgust. Disappointment curdled like a snake in your gut and you rolled your sleeve down sharply. It was only open wounds then, new wounds sustained after becoming a shifter that would be healed. Anything beforehand was fair game. You scowled down at the ground, pushing away your aggravated thoughts. At least the people who had given them to you were dead.They were a sign that you had survived, even if looking at them made dread curl inside you. Maybe one day you could look at them without disgust and push away the phantom pains that rose in its wake. A sick part of you felt like you deserved them.Your brother's stuttered breathing brought your eyes back to him, and you lightly shook him awake, too reminded of how it sounded when he was forced into an endless rest. Time was at hand anyway, and there was no better chance than now.“Come on, get up, we have to get to the walls” you said softly, hands gently helping him raise himself up.You hadn’t slept a wink, needing to stand watch against whatever elements brewed on this side of the wall. That and the fear that pulsed through your veins every time your eyes threatened to close, making you stay awake.He grumbled softly under his breath, though the prospect of finally reaching the walls brought a giddy smile to his face. You would be lying if you said you weren’t excited too. He sat up fully, eyes taking in the new sights that greeted them.So far away from others, the world looked open. Ripe fruit fresh for the taking. It sent exhilaration through you.“I'm going to climb down and transform alright? Get on my shoulder and hold on.”You didnt know the exact direction of the walls, didnt really have a plan besides going in the opposite direction that your crystal had landed, ground still rubbed raw and open from its chaotic descent.There was no way you could miss it, walls described as tall as the colossal titan.He nodded once, eyes lighting up in excitement. It hit you that he had never seen a titan before. A small smile found its way to your face, and a shit eating grin found your face at the thought of making him piss himself. You were still his sister after all.The descent down the tree was slow, painstaking. You may have been a titan shifter, stronger than ever and body less inclined to fail you, but it did nothing to wash away human fear. A monster lived inside you, but humanity reigned all the same.The earth was soft under your feet, grass tickling the soles of your foot. A soft breeze moved your hair off your back, letting it toss in a gentle wind. Paradis was unlike anything you had ever seen before, and its people were likely just as alien.Your hand came up to your mouth, mimicking a movement you hadn't even registered ever making previously. A memory from a time long before your own. Pain raced up your arm at the breaking of skin, a pain to your body that for once, you controlled. Something about it felt extraordinary.Light fragmented the dark sky, crackling like a bolt of lightning to the earth. Could Marley hear it, all the way from here? Did they feel the shift in the earth as something beautiful and terrifying took up space where a girl had just been? You hoped they did.Your eyes, so much clearer and bigger than before landed on your brother, the branch shoulder height to your towering form. The trees didn't look terrifying from up here.A curse, yes, but maybe one day, it could be something more.Your brother's eyes were wide, jaw having landed at the roots of the tree, face shaken to the core. He was in awe. You smiled at him, probably looking so much scarier than you normally did, but he only gaped further, small body left frozen on the branch.“When you are done, we have places to be”Amusement filled your voice, and you watched him squeal in surprise before standing up quickly, finally gathering his bearings.“You're telling me I can do that!”He sounded more excited than you had ever heard him, eyes the size of saucers. The question made your heart shrivel up and you scowled heavily.“Not if I have anything to say about it”His face fell, frustration lining his body. This was but a means to an end. The fighting was over, your war was done.You had been beaten and changed until the last parts of you that you had clung to had evaporated at your feet, in a far forest somewhere across the sea. You would not spend any more of your days fighting after this, even if the thought made a pang ring through your chest. The scared face of a boy, a little girl sacrificing herself for someone she loved, a titans mouth opening wide in anticipation.No. You had given enough. You were done with Marley. Let whatever happens happen. You would play no part.Your brother moved to argue, mouth opening under angry eyes but you turned away, cutting him off before he could.“Get on”You heard him huff behind you, and you ignored the way it hurt. You didn't want to do this, but you had been forced into a parental role the moment he had been born, and you weren't going to stop caring about his safety now, even if he found it unfair. Life was not fair, and rarely was it kind.You lowered down your large body, feeling his small weight on your shoulder. A mere thought had titan hardening curling up his legs, fastening him in place.“So cool” he mumbled, his breath but a whisper of the wind in your ears.You felt like you could do anything. Climb every tree in the forest, run until there was no more earth left to tread upon, swim beneath the caves of the sea. It was exhilarating. You smiled wide, blood pumping heavy in your veins. You had moved your human body into your neck, still cocooned in armor. Only the Jaw titan could harm you now, and he was long ways away from the island.You picked up into a run, not going nearly as fast as you could go. Something about the newness of it all made you want to drink it in. Made you want to stop and smell every new flower, blow dandelion fluff and wish under the same sky that somehow felt so different here.It was also one of the last times you would ever transform. Once you were over that wall, there would be no more titans. No more violence. You would figure it out from there, as a human, from there on out.You could only see your brother in your peripheral vision, mildly covered by titan hardening that guarded your eye. His head was gazing at the sights in wonder, and though it wasnt much to see, it was more than either of you had ever seen in your entire lives.Marley had been beautiful, alive with people and booming with growth. But there were fences that caged in Eldians, there was endless hate and propaganda about a time no one alive had ever seen. No one in Marley at least.It had been the biggest prison that ever existed, and Eldians spent their entire lives hoping to one day escape its shackles. By loving and coddling Marley, by condemning themselves and hating their existence. It was never enough. No one ever escaped.The empty fields of Paradis spoke of freedom, of endless possibility to start anew. To be someone new in a land that did not know you for your blood. You would happily never turn into a titan again, if for the next 13 years, you could make a life worth living.Booming footsteps were the only noise amidst the darkness, letting you and your brother take in the world that unfolded like origami for you. You didnt know how long it had been before a dark splotch appeared atop of a hill, growing in size slowly. Something panged hard in your chest, and you knew what it was the second you laid eyes on it. The wall. You had reached it. The land behind the walls.“Is that…”your brother's small voice trailed off, and you only hummed in confirmation, not wanting to draw out any more noise.Its size grew with each pump of your legs, propelling you forward. Anxiety was an unwelcome companion in your gut, but you forced yourself onward. There was no room for fear inside you. Your sharp eyes scanned the walls, trying desperately to make sure there were no lingering eyes.Its hulking mass raised high above you as you finally came to halt. From your vantage, the top of the wall was double your titans height.There was no true way of knowing if anyone lurked at the top, the only light being that of the moon.Your fingers hesitated before reaching out to touch it, like one touch would have it crumbling under your fingertips.Cold, unforgiving stone met your hand, and despite the sensation being muted under your hardened hands, it still made your heart race. The books had spoken of millions of titans solidified under their own hardening, hand in hand until great walls were left in their wake. It had been hard to believe, even harder to imagine, but now, fingers against an unbelievable structure, there was no room to doubt.You pulled your hand away finally, moving it to the back of your neck, forcing the hardened sanctuary that held your human body to the surface. There was no other titan that could do this, could so thoroughly protect their human body as well as their titan. Unlimited capabilities indeed.Its weight felt heavy in your hands, and you willed it to open, revealing your own human face to the eyes of your titan. You looked so small like this, but better than you had days prior. Years prior. Your eyes shined back, reflecting the cosmos above you and your hair cascaded down your back. You looked more alive, even if only by a little.Your other hand came up to your right shoulder, letting your brother hop into your palm. His steps were shaky, whether with nerves of excitement, you didn’t know. He got into the cocoon with no qualms, and you closed it shut behind him. Time was of the essence, somehow always chasing you.You leaned down, placing the weight of your human bodies encased in a shield onto the soft earth. With one last lingering look, you turned back to the wall.Images of the Jaw titan rose up in your brain, descriptions from textbooks so far across the sea. You focused on his hands, the nails that elongated from his fingers, sharp enough to cut through any hardening. The talons of an eagle, the claw of a tiger, the tip of a sword.You looked down at your own fingers, stretching out and curving into spikes.It brought a wild grin to your face. It was an ugly part of you, the part that liked this. That wondered what else you could do with this power that had been so violently thrust upon you. So much power, so much freedom, so much protection from those that itched to hurt those you love. The claws sharpened, your thoughts somehow amplifying your work.You thrust out at the air, a satisfying shing entering your ears. Your heart would never fully cease fearing Marley, not when all you knew was their cruelty, but it was in moments like these that you awaited their arrival. Wanted to see them try and take you and your brother back to the hell that you had come from.Talons dug deep into the wall, sinking like butter. Stone crumbled along your feet, and you cringed at the noise. Another risk that would have to be worth taking. You hefted your body up, much stronger than before but also much heavier than before. The line connecting your human bodies dangled along your foot as you climbed higher and higher into the sky.Debris rained around your face, jaw set heavy in determination. The workout burned, and you had missed it. With one final push into the wall, your head breached the surface.Along the wall stood canons, strapped to what looked to be rails, lining the top of the wall. The humans here had weaponry, and by its positioning, was meant to be used on titans. Interesting.The weaponry was old, the smell of gunpowder heaving itself up your nose. But it confirmed that not only were they fighting back against their fate, but they had learned to scale the walls. Incredible.You looked down at the ground below, breath catching in your throat at the rows and rows of houses. They weren’t like those in Marley, likely due to the different materials found here. The town was dark, not a murmur or whisper to be heard. It was so different, so new. The Eldians in the interim zone had a forced curfew, but even through your window, voices of Marleyan children screaming in delight could’ve been heard.Was the lack of noise to not draw in more titans? Likely but futile since they probably didn’t know that most titans slumbered at night. A stark reminder of the human they once were.You reached down silently, body tense against the wall. Stone cracked beneath your sharp hands, and you bit your tongue at the noise. Finally, your hand locked around the encasing, bringing it up to the wall. Lowering the crystal slowly, you let it hang off the other side, still connected to the titans ankle.Slowly, so slowly, you lowered the crystal to the ground, extending the line between your bodies. Your breaths came heavier with every inch down and you couldn’t tell if it was from exhaustion or overuse of the titans power. The abilities of the war hammer were already a mystery, making the limitations something you couldn’t even begin to fathom.You hadn’t eaten in days, body suffering from lack of water and sleep, and the anxiety that rippled through you was likely taking off years to your already shortened life. The sound of your own blood pumping rang through your ears, each beat cutting on your nerves. The line kept lowering, until finally, the ground made the tension go lax.You heaved a soft sigh of relief, arms finally ceasing their shaking. Climbing down the wall, you didn’t even wait for both feet to touch the ground before snapping the connection.Human eyes shot open and the sight of a night clouded by smoke met your eyes. The steam of a titan dying on the other side of a Great Wall, a side you no longer occupied. Now, separating you and Marley, was a wall so tall it hurt your neck to look at.You had done it, finally done something right enough to secure safety for the first time in your life. The hardening dissolved under your touch, a skill you were slowly learning. A skill that would be of no use now. The titan in you was on the other side of that wall, never to be retrieved here again. The thought sank heavily to your stomach, weighing down your steps as you turned around.Your brother stood there, eyes drinking in the houses, the smells, the sounds, so similar and yet so different. You took his hand slowly, trying not to startle him before picking a direction and walking. There had been what looked like a gated entrance to the wall, and the sight of it had made you veer off right. How stupid would you be to walk into new territory using the fucking front door?Now though, finally inside, you had no idea where the main road was, where any of the cobblestone paths led. It was weird, walking on unpaved paths, like you had entered a different universe. In some ways you had.You choose to go right, eyes scouring for any food littering the streets. The city itself was incredibly clean, though some bottles of what looked to be wine lingered here and there. You did not look at them for long.The walls curved slowly, a horseshoe shape before connecting into another wall at its ends. It was ingenuity so massive, it could only possibly be done by the founder himself.A soft rustling had your body tensing up, eyes tracking for the source of the sound before another gust of wind blew, repeating the rustling from before. You looked up, and the sight of clothes hanging precariously on a line nearly made you fall to your knees.Your eyes flicked to your brother, motioning him to stay put before you aimed for the little home. It was cruel to steal clothes, you had no idea if this family was poor, or needed it, but blood was still caked along your body, and there would be no excuse once the sun brought it to light.You reached the line within seconds, eyeing the white clothes strewn there to dry. They felt soft to the touch, cold from the wind but it would be more than good enough. You grabbed a T-shirt that looked 2 sizes too big for your brother, along with a pair of trousers. You still had no shoes, no socks or toiletries, all of the things you packed having been stripped from your body when you were beaten and gagged.Your hand tightened on the clothes at the memories, and you shook your head to clear it.A dress hung on the line, soft and white, clean. It was the type of dress you had never gotten a chance to wear before, the type of dress that a woman dealt a better hand would not hesitate to grab, but you did.It called to you, the sweetness of it like a siren song. It would make you unrecognisable, even to your own reflection, but the arms didn’t go all the way down, revealing a world of scars and pain. You scowled at your own thoughts, angry that even here, their influence taunted you. One day. One day you would wear a dress just like that, and not give a damn.You flicked your eyes over to a long sleeve shirt, and grabbed it roughly off the rack, along with a pair of pants and 4 socks. Guilt sunk into your stomach, raiding people's belongings like this, but once you were on your feet here, you swore you would come back and leave them some money, enough to purchase double what you stole.Scowling, you descended the roof, falling onto the ground with a thud. You continued walking, scanny the ground for any signs of leftover food. Garbage cans beckoned and though you hated feeding your brother this shit, your stomachs raged in anger, needing to be fed.You had him hold the clean clothes as you dug through the trash, gagging at the smell. A bag of rotten fruit with one apple looking mildly okay. A half eaten sandwich, a broken piece of bread.You gave your brother whatever looked the cleanest, the apple and the bread before downing the sandwich. It wasn’t good, but it was something. Your stomach knotted at the sight of the food, clenching in despair. Pill bottles rattled in your head, and you forced your eyes shut, chewing the sandwich fast and swallowing it down. You needed to eat, needed to get past this fear.Your brother munched beside you silently, a stark reminder of a home that was never truly your home. You were one step closer to changing that, even if it meant less days to enjoy it in the end.Stomach satiated and clothes in hand, you wandered along further before the sound of running water hit your ears. You sped up at the noise, grabbing your brother's hand tight. There was a river of some kind, water dark against the night's reflection. Its edges lapped at the rocks lining the exterior, a sort of pulley mechanism hanging from the top. Was it for ships? Or did they drink this?You leaned down low, stomach curled against the sharp rocks. Your hand touched the top of the surface, breaking its tranquility and causing ripples to ebb and flow. You brought your finger to your mouth. Not salty. There was a lingering taste of something, but you looked down at the finger finally devoid of blood and sighed.“Get in” you whispered behind you, starting to walk slowly into the water. It veered off deep, and you clung on to the rocks in a panic. Your teeth were clenched, the cold soaking bone deep with every inch you lowered your body.Your brother's feet came into view, and you reached out your other hand, not risking letting him venture in by himself. His hand clutched yours with an iron grip, and it cleared your anxiety slightly, bringing a smile to your face. Neither of you had ever gone swimming despite living in a port city. Ships carried on waters so clear and bright it hurt to look at sometimes, and yet you had never been allowed to venture that far. Had only ever been granted the gift of looking and yearning. It all seemed so fickle now.Your brother's face was grim and it made you want to laugh. When was the last time you had ever truly wanted to laugh not amidst a sea of pain? You let your smile grow, revelling in the joy blooming softly in your chest.His eyes slid to yours, and at the huge grin on your face, his own grew in return, letting out a small laugh at his own petulance. Soon you two were both in the water, taking turns putting your faces under and checking each other to make sure no blood lingered on your skin. It felt like you were shedding an old layer of yourself that had gotten too small somewhere along the road here. You wondered if your brother felt the same.Slowly you both climbed out of the body of water, hissing at the chill air.Goosebumps rose along your skin and you rushed to remove your wet clothing, replacing them with the dry ones that you had snagged. You finally turned to look at eachother after you had finished. There was no band on your arm, left in a heap on the pile of clothes you had just discarded. No blood stained your skin and no bruises from a lifetime ago lingered.You looked at eachother and something in your cracked shell of a heart shuffled itself slowly back into place. One jagged piece so imperceptibly small that it didn’t feel any different, but it was a start.You grabbed the sopping clothes and tossed them into the water, watching them sink to the bottom. Their splash made you cringe, the sound like thunder against the silence of the sleeping town, but it was over, it was done.You turned around grabbing your brother's hand and walking off beneath the setting stars, eyes peeled for somewhere to rest.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The sound of footsteps shook sleep from your eyes and your heart thundered in your chest. How long had you been asleep? How could you do something so stupid as get drugged again? Was it all a nightmare?Panic coiled in your chest, great waves threatening to pull you under. Spots dotted your vision and you struggled to breathe past the darkness of your mind. Fuck how did it all go wrong? A lady, young and brunette flashed in your mind, scowl pained on her pale face. Breathe BREATHE. Your eyes snapped open, hand rising to your chest. You lifted yourself up, scanning the room you were in. Slowly the panic eased from your system, letting precious air into your lungs. Your brother laid asleep on some sacks of soil, eyes shut and calm beneath his hands.Light peeked in through a small window, now covered by the boards you had put up last night. Your back ached from sleeping against the shed doors, not willing to risk being caught unawares if someone were to come knocking.It had been pure luck stumbling upon a little shed behind someone’s home. You had broken the lock as quietly as you could, every click echoing inside your head. The inside had been shockingly empty, nothing but a bunch of garden tools and some sacks of plant food, soft enough for your brother to lay on and sleep.It was so risky to do this, break the law even before you could get both feet on the ground here, but you had no ID, no plan, no idea what year these people even lived in. One wrong slip and you were as good as dead.Voices cried out outside, the shaking of something big making anxiety seize you once more. What was going on out there? The noise shook your brother's sleeping form and his eyes opened slowly, locking on yours before he bolted up.You moved your finger to your mouth, signaling him to be quiet. What the hell was the ruckus outside, the shaking of the foundations beneath your feet and the sound of chains clanking against each other? Had your clothes been found? Was Marley already here?Your brother's panicked eyes echoed the fears that raged through your own head. You weren’t ready, not nearly ready enough to die. You could fight, but your brother, god he had no training, he had to run. His eyes stayed glued on yours, determination shining through him.He would not run, he hadn’t even run when your father would hit you, fighting you even then so he could stay by your side. Fuck what were you going to do?He got up slowly, moving to take your hand in the small space before reaching for the door handle. You grabbed his hand before he could, eyes boring into his, knowing he could read what the hell are you doing?!? laying there.His defiant eyes only stared back harder, a silent response. How will we know what’s going on without leaving?? He was right, you knew that but you still hadn’t decided whether or not you should make him wait here. But anyone could find him at any moment, even Marley, before you found them and dealt with it. There was no right answer, only a lesser of two horrible ones.You nodded once and he turned away, reaching once more for the door handle. You moved him behind you before he could do so, wanting to take the brunt of whatever was waiting on the other side. He huffed angrily behind you but you ignored it, letting your eyes adjust to the painful sun rays shining in through the open door.There was noise circulating through the streets, clear signs of life now roaming freely on Paradis. People. Panic raced into your throat but you schooled your face to reveal nothing, like it was another day living here. When no signs of nearby life met your eyes, you pushed the door the rest of the way open, moving your brother out and walking with your head high towards the noise.People were still yelling, and the sight of a massive gate opening made your heart stutter. That had been the shaking, the clanking of the chains.The gate was open. These people were insane. Opening the gates to titan territory.You pushed your brother behind you, ready to bolt at the first titan that would surely enter your view, but all that met your ears were the sound of horses clobbering by the hundreds.Adrenaline raced through your veins, tensing up every muscle in your body to prepare to fight. Your brother ripped his hand out of yours, running for the sound of horses.You cursed under your breath, running after him and delving into a sea of strangers to get him back. Panic like nothing you had ever known suffocated you at the mass of bodies near yours, and the second you saw him, you grabbed his hand, wrenching you both from the crowd. People were cursing at you both, but you didn’t care, couldn’t hear through the panic in your chest.You spun him around, anger lashing out on your tongue.“What the HELL were you thinking running off like th-”The sight of his shaking eyes made your anger halt in its tracks, worry replacing every spasming cell.“Hey what is it?”His eyes were teary, and his body shook like a leaf beneath you.“So much blood” he whispered, voice riddled with dread.Your ears finally perked to the words of the shouts ringing through the square, trying to piece together the commotion.“Way to waste our taxes”“Still failing? What do we pay you for?!”“MY SON, someone please, My little boy”“Tell me it was for a good reason Commander Erwin!”Sobs and screams muddled into one and you moved your brother off to the side, looking through the crowd to see who was warranting such a riot.The uniforms told you everything you needed to know. Men and women rode with their heads down on horses, eyes shattered beneath them. People with limbs missing, a cart stacked high of dead bodies, it made your blood stop.Your eyes unwittingly scanned the group, landing on the boy and girl you had saved. They were alive. Your own sense of relief shocked you, and you looked away from them, to another boy riding beside them, someone you hadn’t seen with them when everything had almost ended. He was the only one who rode with his head high, not looking into the crowd, but looking forward. He held himself with something that felt confident but not arrogant, and his gaze was stern, piercing.Close cropped hair blew softly in the breeze, a contrast to the scowl etched permanently on his face. The boy next to him, the one you had helped, whispered something to him and he clicked his tongue in response, face softening almost imperceptibly.Your eyes were latched onto him, unable to let go, even as people around you raged about a titan problem that they knew nothing about. If only it was due to the negligence of some traumatized warriors. They didn’t know the half.You watched the group leave until they were nothing but a speck in your vision, something akin to pity curdling in your gut. Their faces had looked crushed, shoulders hung low and defeated. They were fighting a losing battle and they didn’t even know it.You turned away before your mind could run further, surprised to find your brother's eyes also trained on their retreating backs. He had moved to stand on a box next to where you were standing, allowing him the vantage point to have seen all the injured warriors pass.His fists were clenched at his sides, and his temples pulsed beneath his head of hair. He had had the same look on his face yesterday, on the branch miles away from here. People slowly ebbed out of the streets, clearing the road until it was only a few here and there, meandering about.Your brother continued to stand there, eyes on where the injured people had been, but not really seeing anymore. You could hear the gears in his brain turning, and the stretch of silence made your fingers twitch.Finally he turned back to you, something like defiance in his determined eyes. It took you aback, a look you had never seen so strong on his face before. He took your hand, grip stronger than you ever felt it before making for the little shed that was the closest thing you had to a home.Your shock had you following mutely, and something in your gut told you this was not going to end well. The shed door closing sent your stomach sinking, but you did not show it, turning to let him speak his mind. His words shot a bullet through your chest.“We have to help them”You backed up a step, shock igniting through your body. Out of all the things he could’ve possibly said.“What?”He couldn’t be serious, must’ve hit his head somewhere along the journey and had his brain leak out of his ears because there was no way he could be saying what he was saying.His teeth ground in his mouth and his eyes only shined brighter in the dimness of the room.“We have to help them” he echoed once more, voice strong and ringing too loud in the space.Your eyes flicked to the dingy window, already imagining the listening ears that could be on the other side, before flicking your eyes back to him. Pure defiance met your gaze and you felt your anger rise like a wave.You had never been angry at him before, never felt so betrayed and pissed and hurt. He wanted to turn his back on the chance of a peaceful life here for some fucking warriors with a death wish. Is it a death wish to long for freedom? You shook your head, both at the thought and him.“No absolutely not, this is not our fight”Your words were final, brittle against your throat. You had never had to use this tone with him, never felt like you were on opposing sides of a chasm that threatened to throw you in.“How can you say that? Those people are loved by someone, have goals and dreams just like we do!”His words tore at your chest, igniting the empathy that you forced yourself to ignore. You had just fled war and violence, the chance to live 13 years of peace hanging in front of you like ripe fruit. Like hell you would throw it away to risk your life, risk his life. Haven't you given enough?He didn’t back down, just as head strong as you were and it snapped the leash on your rage.“I’m not saying they aren’t! But we are strangers here! We are hunted and hold information that these people would happily torture us for. We carry 2 of the 9! We can’t be stupid enough to put our necks out there!”You knew you were speaking reason, felt it in every cell of your body. It had made you sick to see their hopeless faces, to know the truth and watch them ride away in despair, but you had done enough. Hurt enough and fought enough for 7 lifetimes.All you yearned for was peace, was a quiet life somewhere soft that didn’t beg you to break whatever was left of yourself. It was selfish, it was monstrous of you to turn your back on them knowing what you know, but you would not watch everything you loved be ripped away from you again. Haven’t you given ENOUGH?? “They are going out there blind, risking everything for the hope of a sliver of understanding, how can we turn our back on them?”His tone bored a hole in your chest, your feet stepped back like you had been hit. He was right, you knew he was. Those battered soldiers will be 6 feet under before Marley lets them know the truth. Plans for the devils had been underway before you had even left, about taking the founder and killing them all. They would never see the lives of their comrades repaid, never know whether it was worth it in the end. But why did it have to fall on your shoulders? Why did it have to be you?“We have seen beyond the walls, it is cruel and there is nothing out there for us anymore”Your tone was destroyed, even to your own ears. There was nothing left out there. No sanctuary for you to go, no safe haven that would open its arms to you. Out there you were nothing but a devil, or a tool for war.Sure there were books that described lights flaring across the sky, of lava and volcanoes in the hot places of the world that you had never really got to see, but you would be dead before you were given the chance to anyway. Why not pick a simple life, a peaceful li-His head fell, thrashing you from your thoughts, the lines of his body tense.“The walls will not stop them. Even if we do not want to go out there, they will come here. Marley will come for us, you know that better than I do”You sucked in a breath, falling back against the sacks of soil, your head in your hands. It sank uncomfortably under your weight. He was only 13, and he was speaking more reason than you had even let yourself believe.Marley’s plan had always been to take back the founder, to reclaim every single one of the nine and make their rule unquestionable. While your parents stunt had probably slown them down, it also added fuel to the fire. It spurred their urgency. Getting the founder was no longer the only priority. Were you willing to see people die while you harboured the secret you did?“They won’t let us live in peace, and we will die here, but maybe we can train and fight back. Make a difference and even the playing field. Maybe we can give these people a fighting chance too.”He was right, you knew he was right. There was a chance that you might survive, even against the rest of the titans Marley had. You had been training since you could walk, fighting came as easy as breathing. And now that the armoured titan was not an option, winning didn’t seem so impossible. Your eyes flicked up to your brothers, his face pleading with you.He would not survive if Marley came. You were in denial believing that he would never have to transform and frankly that very lack of knowledge would get him killed. He didn’t possess the training that you had. Didn’t have a clue on how to wield a blade, let alone a titan. He would not survive Marley’s counterattack, and his lack of preparedness would be your fault.Even if he did, these people outside would not. They would die for a sin they did not know they had committed, destined to a life maybe much shorter than the one you had.“Don’t you want to do something good with the time we have left?”His question was the final nail in the coffin, because no one knew you the way he did. You had never let anyone know you the way he did. It would haunt you, knowing that you could’ve used this stupid curse for good and instead choose to rot behind another set of walls and turn a blind eye. How many times had you begged someone to look a little closer at the suffering you had endured in Marley. To look at you and to see you and to care enough to help you. No one ever had.Your time was limited anyway, the only promise was a shed and a life of keeping your head down. You had no money, no food, no water, no identities, a country aiming guns at your back and a life ticking away at your feet.Your shoulders fell in defeat, anger seeping out of your weary bones.“There is nothing out there for us” and your voice cracked, breaking through your body.It was a final plea, knowing that you had lost not only this argument, but everything.You didn’t just mean out beyond the walls. Even beyond these shed doors, there was nowhere out there for you. You weren’t welcome here, not for who you truly were, and you weren’t welcome on the mainland, the only place that you had ever known. The dream of a house filled with love and surrounded by flowers crumbled at your feet. The lump in your throat threatened to suffocate you.Your brothers small hand found your face, love infused into his touch. It brought your tired eyes to his, and he smiled softly at you.“You told me a story about how the world is not split by good or bad. That the world was what you make it, and you decide what to pour into it, love or hate”You felt it then. The scraping of a soft piece of your heart moving into place, your head calming from the storm of despair, a shore filled with bright stars that stared down at you.You had given him stories all his life, bits and pieces of your own hopes and dreams and thoughts buried into someone so much more than you. You had planted this seed of care, of empathy into someone that now had enough courage to try and lift mountains.It started the stitch on your broken body, connecting you back to yourself, part of yourself long ago lost to the shadow of grief. It felt like fire igniting inside of you. You closed your eyes, letting its warmth burn into your skin, through every muscle and tendon and artery until it filled your head. When had you let yourself stop being a dreamer? When had you let yourself die slowly under cruel hands and become content to let yourself live there?Your abusers were dead, the world was against you and all you had was the fire burning in your chest. It was time to wake up.You looked back up at him, eyes awake, bright and determined. If they were going to do this, there was no more holding back. But you would do it your way. The rattled warrior had died back in Marley. You were a titan now.“We tell no one the truth. Nothing. We will begin training with them, fake a story about where we are from and why we joined.”He opened his mouth to refuse, defiance already on his face but your hand came up, silencing him. you had never felt more alive than you did then, already anticipating training again, getting stronger, saving people, being someone who deserved to live.“Everything that I said had been true, selfish yes, but true. They will torture us for information, they will not believe their ears and will not trust us even if we come in peace. We will not spend our remaining time locked behind bars.”You would burn the world to the ground before you saw your brother tortured for information, and would not stop until everyone on the island laid dead for it.His jaw clenched, seeing everything behind your eyes, but he did not refuse.Empathy you may have, but you were well out of patience. Everything you cared about was in this shed, and though you would fight Marley and give these people a chance, it would not be at the expense of everything you held dear. You were no longer a liability, and neither was your brother.“You and I will train, and I will train you personally each day. Only if you score in the top 10 will I let you join the group that leaves the walls. I will not send my brother out to die, no matter how badly you want it.”You would not hold yourself back this time. You would train like your life depended on it, because it did. Your brother’s life rested in your hands too, but the thought of him learning how to defend himself made warmth bloom higher inside you. No one would ever lay a finger on him again, as long as you breathed.“You will not transform under any circumstances unless you are dying. Is that clear? Not to save someone or even if you think it’s best. We do not reveal this unless we do it together.”Your voice was stern and you hated using it against him, but he only nodded back, eyes shining bright. Determination lined his face, more well rested than you had ever seen him. You knew your own face reflected the same.No bruises marred his face, still soft with baby fat. No aches riddled his body and soon, he would be able to defend himself, long enough for you to get there and kill whoever threatened to hurt him. When had he grown up so much? The thought made a small smile grow on your face.You nodded back once, not happy about the plan but knowing that it was the right thing to do. The best course of action for the options you had. You would not only be guaranteed training, but food, water, a paycheck and a bed. If it was anything like the warrior training in Marley, it was a hell of a lot better than the bag of soil.Change was out there, outside the walls where you would not cower back from Marley. You would not wait for the punches to descend and see your brother bleed red, you would make them pay.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
People did not bat an eye when two skinny children with no shoes on their feet asked about the men from the gates.“You don’t wanna join them scouts, all they do is feed the titans outside the wall”“Just ask someone in the Garrison sweetie they will lead you to the boat heading to the training grounds”“If you wanna die so bad, be my guest but not on my taxpayer money”“There are other positions in the military, you dont ever have to leave these walls!”The elderly that loitered along the streets had been a range of helpful and judgemental, a few giving sincere looks of sympathy. You hadn’t hesitated when you had asked the first passer by, resolve now a rod in back. Whether or not the questions you asked were common knowledge or not, people answered all the same and finally, you stood before the gates of a boat, the familiar water lapping on its rocks.You learned that people who fought here were not warriors but scouts, or soldiers. There were at least two different pillars of the military: the Garrison, to protect civil unrest, and the Survey Corps, to conquer the walls and look for humanities freedom. Not one person even had an inkling of what truly lied out there. You didn’t know if their ignorance helped them more than it hurt them.The walls consisted of wall Maria, wall Rose and wall Sina, named after the children of Ymir and king Fritz. The books in Marley held small cups of knowledge, adding context to what you were gathering. But none of it measured up to the society thriving within the walls.They had an organized military, commerce and production. For how late of a start they were given, you thought they were doing incredibly well. Your mind moved back to the gear the scouts had used to fly in the trees. They had somehow adapted weapons to battle the titans. Their spirit had not broken in fear, somehow they had risen above it.The door swung open, your hand clutched in your brothers. Your steps did not falter as you got on the boat and rode towards the wall, looking like two lost children hoping to survive by signing their lives away to the military. Paradis didn’t have a clue.The boat lurched onwards, the pulley system above allowing it to move without the use of propellers or sails.Your eyes latched onto the moving sky, the same clouds that used to move above you now moving somewhere else. Your brothers head was resting on your shoulders, and you let him sleep. Your back still ached lightly from the position you slept in last night, but your mind refused to let you relax. You felt alive, like the air was crackling to embers inside you.You were training again, but this time for something you believed in, for something so much bigger than yourself. You had never truly seen yourself at full speed, at full strength or passion. You wanted to know how to use the gear, how to fly so high above these walls and feel your stomach swoop as you fell. Exhilaration sent pins through your hands, and before you knew it the boat lurched to a final halt.You stood up to get off, people's bodies pushing you lightly. It was still just as suffocating as the crowd from the morning, and you took the time to look around at the faces beside you. Many looked like kids your age, some with eyes that looked at the world through a hopeful lens, others in clothes more tattered than the ones you wore. How many kids trained for the military? How many kids didn’t make it past 18?You followed the group, distancing yourself and your brother once you had finally stepped off the boat. Your legs were numb from sitting for so long, but you kept your eyes ahead of you. The buildings within this wall were designed differently than the one you had entered. Grey brick built tall structures, houses somehow much more modern than that of the outer wall. It was like progress had started from the inside out, not the other way around.It would make sense then, that the royals and elites likely lay behind wall Sina, the innermost wall. You wondered what it looked like in there.A man from the Garrison, known by the horse insignia on his jacket, led the way at the front, not looking back at you. You only got small glimpses of the city, of its bright brick buildings and its floral gardens before you were all loaded one by one into wagons. Horses stood obediently at the front of each wagon, and the sight of it jarred you.No cars, no blimps in the air, no pictures on storefronts. You were a long way from Marley indeed. With a sharp whistle, the wagon was in motion. One other person sat to your right, and 5 children sat adjacent to you. None of them spoke, and like them, you kept your mouth glued shut. You would not draw any unwanted attention to yourself.The wagons movements shifted your body with each turn, and you took the time instead to focus on the children around you. These were the children of Paradise.
They looked no different than those in Marley, though most of these children looked skinnier, shifty and anxious. It had never been safe in Marley as an Eldian, not really, unless you kept your head down and grovelled at their feet. And even then it meant nothing. You still couldnt shake the screams of a little girl down by a river from your mind. So many dogs, so much blood. The yellow badge stuck out from the chucks of her body lingering in their teeth.You shook your head lightly to clear it, moving your gaze to the back of the wagon, the only open view to the outside world that you trekked. Buildings and sounds turned into open land and silence. The clacking of the horses' shoes the only noise to be heard for miles.You hated not knowing exactly where you were, needed to take the time not only to train but to learn. None of the textbooks you had ever been drilled had prepared you for the sheer ignorance actually coming here meant. Your leg itched to tap beneath you, but you resisted.Your eyes flicked to your brothers in your peripheral, watching his eyes survey the other children in the wagon. Most looked around his age, with only one boy looking older. They likely preferred younger kids, easier to train their minds. The wagon finally jolted to a halt, and with a face that masked nothing, you stood, hand finally leaving your brothers so you could help him descend.You were greeted by a bricked fortress. Trees lined the outer walls, with strings of foliage climbing up its sides, a testament to how long it had stood here. In the distance, you could see forests of trees, the only other sight wherever they were. Grey brick arches and spirals greeted you, reminding you of a castle. The wagon clobbered off beside you, likely to some stables somewhere on the grounds before you were motioned to follow a guard inside. Great doors swung open, and you were surprised to find no guards watching within. Anyone could just come in and kill them all, but then your thoughts stopped. Who would? They believed themselves to be all that was left of humanity. There is no threat that they are aware of. What did they make of the titans that knocked on their walls and ate their friends? The thought made sympathy bloom in your chest.You walked silently through a long corridor, lined by torches along the walls, before noise finally entered your ears. The tunnel cleared into an arch revealing a massive courtyard, people in different military uniforms meandering around. Not nearly as many as you had thought. It felt like a ghost town.The guard at the front finally turned, glare hard on his face.“You are to have dinner first, training will begin bright and early tomorrow. Is that understood?” he shouted and it reminded you of a commander from a lifetime ago. Then you had been just an Eldian in their eyes, a speck of dust stuck annoyingly to their clothes. Now, you were someone. Some of the kids beside you flinched at his tone, but you and your brother were a sea of stillness.Murmurs of assent rang through the small group, no larger than 15, and soon you were being led under another set of arches, to the right of the main corridor and down another hallway.This hallway had doors lined along its sides, and the more turns you made, the more people came into view. Noone looked at you, and you barely glanced at them. Others in front of you were starting to whisper to each other, probably the loneliness of their new life cracking them under its pressure. You had no yearning to make friendships, everything you needed already at your side.A mental map began forming in your head, helping you keep your bearings before the noise of people had you stopping. A set of double doors, with one propped open, entered your view. Within came the voices of at least a hundred. Your body tensed slightly, but you forced it to relax. This was now your home.Light came in through its tall windows, and beneath them, rows of tables were lined up, seating hundreds of soldiers. Your eyes snagged on the uniforms and you felt your stomach shift. The scouts.Someone was mumbling and whispering behind you excitedly, and it made you want to snap at them. Most were sitting in silence, while others were talking animatedly in their seats. Their uniforms were different, the green cape long gone though their insignia was still stark against the brown jacket. You followed the crowd that you had entered in with, now moving in a line to be given some brown looking slob. Your stomach growled back.Nausea roiled in you at the thought of food before you made yourself watch the seated soldiers eating away at it. Its fine, theres nothing in the food. You wanted to take in the sights and sounds of the people, but you forced your head to stay straight, shoving down the urge to behave any differently from how you had in Marley. People like you did not get the luxury of friends, especially friends that would look at you as enemies if they only knew. If they only knew. Food was gathered on your plate, and reaching the end of the line, your eyes scanned the room.You latched onto an empty table in the back, waiting for your brother to get his food before heading over when a shout ripped through the air, striking your ears.“ITS YOU!”Your head snapped to the noise, along with everyone else in the room, but the speaker's eyes were only on you. Oh god. Reddish, brown hair tied loosely into a back ponytail, eyes bright and wild, travelling along a finger that pointed dead at your chest. There was no pretending she had been talking to anyone other than you.Panic rippled through your chest but you made sure your face revealed nothing. Your back was ramrod straight as you finally turned your body in her direction, painting confusion all over your features.“Do I know you?”Her face turned upset and perplexed, though her hand finally returned back to her side. Every emotion was written on her face, and it kind of reminded you of your little brother. Your eyes didn't shoot to him, not wanting to draw attention in his direction, but you felt him silently come up beside you.“What? You were there! You saved our lives!”Her words rang loud in the silent room, and your fingers twitched against your plate. People were murmuring and gasping around you, and it grated on your anxious nerves. Your teeth were clenched so hard in your mouth that it ached, but you only painted a mask of boredom.“Im sure you are thinking of someone else” You said, force behind every word. Your body fought the panic racing inside you, and the words came out harsher than you meant them, but this good deed you had done might just sentence you to an early grave. The brunette boy you had saved came up beside her, along with the stoic one you had seen atop the horse.Recognition lined the brunette's eyes when his gaze found yours, and your hackles rose, condemning yourself to being caught only the first day here. Yet the boy only scanned your features before turning to the girl.“Isabel that's enough” He said, and you felt relief surge out of your lungs.You didn't drop the mask, though your eyes flicked to the boy you had seen on the horse, his eyes flitting between his friends and yours in confusion. There was still a frown on his face, clearly from lack of understanding, but the next time he looked over at you, his eyes latched and stayed, boring into yours. Something about them made you feel like he was stripping the layers of your skin, not looking on what was outside but what was within. It made your finger twitch, and you watched his eyes flick down to the motion before going back up.The girl, Isabel, was huffing at the boy, arms flailing animatedly. Talk was finally starting up again from behind you, so you turned on your heel and walked to the empty table to the back. Eyes followed you as you walked, and it made you want to yell something harsh. It was still too quiet in the room that had once been an uproar, but you kept your head high, jaw straight and gaze ahead. So much for unwanted attention.Your brother was a bastion at your side, eyes looking around at the faces that were likely still scanning you. You wanted to smack him, knowing his own confusion was written bright on his face, but you only shoved your tongue behind your teeth and took a seat. That boy had no poker face, and you couldn't find it in yourself to truly be mad at him for it, relieved that he had not learned to tuck his heart from his sleeve before it got burned. One thing your parents never got the chance to take.Your gaze was on the plate in front of you, but your mind was anywhere but. You had only just reached to take a bite before the sound of a plate sliding in front of you had you freezing. Your back ached from the tension, and your jaw worked silently as none other than Isabel moved into the seat across from you, eyes fixed upon you like a brand. The brunette moved in beside her not a moment later with a wince on his face, as though she had run here despite his qualms. He was followed on near silent footsteps by none other than the raven haired boy. He only held a tea cup in his hand, long fingers tight around its lip.You didn't look up at him, though you could feel his eyes on you. Something about him made you unnerved, and unlike Isabel and the brunette, he was a closed book, eyes sharp and keen, revealing nothing.“Hi stranger” Isabel said, smile wide on her face.Her eyes danced behind her long lashes and you resisted the urge to scowl, though your mouth flicked down in annoyance. She looked so young, too young to have been out there, and that thought alone had you holding back something angry from your tongue.“My name is Isabel, what's your name?”Your foot tapped lightly along the ground, clearly she was someone that would not be easy to get rid of. You were going to ignore her, hope that if you were rude enough she would simply leave and never return and believe she had suffered from intense memory loss. You had done the same thing in Marley and it had worked just fine, no one wanted to stay beside someone harsh and bitter anyway. Noone ever really stayed.“Hi, nice to meet you, Im B/n”Your eyes clenched shut, annoyance and defeat rippling through you. You brother, whom you so loved dearly more than anyone else in this world, was a raging fucking moron. You opened your eyes to find Isabel's gaze latched onto his, something like success shining in her eyes. It made you want to pull your hair out. Everyone's eyes soon shifted to you.Stubbornness rang through your bones, but a slight kick underneath your table had your eyes finding your brothers. His eyes looked imploring, pleading and you found your stubbornness shrinking back. He had never had friends before, never really had the chance to meet people or find companions. He had only ever had your shitty parents and you.Memories of him begging you to play entered your mind unbidden, his face falling whenever you had to leave for training, because that would mean being left on his own for hours, watching the clock tick on the mantle. It tore at your remaining resolve, and you sighed once, looking away and back into your plate.“Y/n” you bit out.“Jeez that looked painful, you're almost as bad as Levi over here” The brunette said, amusement in his voice making you look up.Your eyes flicked over to Levi, the boy now glaring daggers at the brunette. Your lips ticked up in amusement before you forced them back down.“Im Furlan by the way” he finished, smile easy on his face. The three of them seemed close, looked at each other with a familiarity that made your heart pang. None of them had any similar features, clearly a mismatched sort of found family, and against your better judgement, you found yourself wanting to know more. You stamped down the urge with your thumb.“So where are you guys from?”Isabel's eyes were sharp on yours, and your mouth dried up behind your teeth. You hadn't had the chance to learn enough geography and place names to actually come up with a plausible story. Panic returned like a crashing wave behind your ears and you thought helplessly of something to s-“Shiganshina” Your brother said, voice carrying a twinge of tightness that you only heard from knowing him so well. How he had even gathered that was beyond you, but when Isabel jerked back, surprised by the quick answer, you figured you would let him take the reins on this one. You felt Levis' eyes on you across the table, and you resisted the urge to look up, feeling like his eyes could somehow unravel every lie you held close to your chest.You took a bite of the food, chewing slowly. Isabel had honed in on your brother now, body half leaned towards him across the table and food forgotten beneath her.“Why did you guys come here then?”The question made the food turn to ash in your mouth, and you felt your fingers twitch against the fork. Your brother went to open his mouth in answer but you cut him off, all but sick of the digging.“To train” You said shortly, and Isabel finally sat back, eyes still studying yours. The table descended into silence and you revelled in it, hoping that they would get up and leave before your traitorous blood opened his mouth.“So what are you guys doing here?”You kicked him lightly under the table, frustration rippling through you. Children were fucking exhausting.Isabel took the bait however, and began talking animatedly to him. Watching her made you feel like you were watching a storybook come to life. Everything was written on her face behind a wide smile that never truly left. She had looked scared when you had first met her, defeat heavy in her eyes and voice shaking from fear. And yet despite that she was here, smiling and talking to your brother, whose smile was also steadily growing on his face.You felt your frustration die on your lips. These were kids. Kids that had faced more horrors than they ever should have, and were yearning to make connections and fill the void with something that made all of this bullshit mean something. Your eyes flicked over to Furlan, finding a small smile on his face as well. They didn't bother you as much as they should have. Something about their happiness in the face of fear looked like rebellion. Looked like strength.Your eyes finally landed on Levi, whose eyes had been watching you this whole time. His face hadnt shifted, not even a flicker of a muscle, but his eyes, his eyes were a rolling storm beneath his dark lashes. You had never seen eyes like his before, not even in all of Marley.They were a sleet grey, with specks of blue near the outer iris. They held so much and yet revealed so little. Somewhere in your brain, you wondered if your own face looked like that. A mask save for your eyes, the only thing you could never train to obey. Conversation drifted into your ear, pulling you away from his gaze and back to the table.“We are in the survey corps! We just came back from a mission, which was a total bust by the way-“Isabel” Levi snapped, the first you had ever heard him talk.“What? it was! Anyway, we are going to be stationed here for a while until our guys recover before we head back out”You pushed your plate away lightly, food half gone. You wanted to eat more, but nausea from memories not too far back made bile rise in your throat, and you opted not to push it.“Anyways, you guys should join, I have a feeling you would be great at it”Her eyes danced playfully into yours, a silent message written there that made your hair stand up on the back of your neck. If she was pretending to play dumb, she was damn rotten at it. Your brother however only hummed, nodding along with her. You resisted the urge to roll your eyes.“Why do you go out there?” He said, latching the tables attention to him. Your eyes searched Isabels and Furlans, but it was Levi that opened his mouth to speak. His voice brought your eyes unwittingly upwards to him.“To learn about the titans and ensure humanity's survival”His voice was like the skipping of stone against pavement. Deep, gravely and assured. His hand brought up the teacup, draining the last of it, though his eyes never left yours. The motion made his tight shirt shift against his skin, honed muscle still visible underneath the fabric.Veins ran along his hands, hidden under cufflinks that clung tight to his wrist. You let your eyes scan him for the first time up close. He was buff, shorter than Furlan, though no less commanding. You figured he was just a bit taller than yourself. His shoulders were broad against his chest, and his face was chiseled underneath the eyes that seemed to wedge themselves into your very soul. Nothing about his face was friendly or open, and frankly he looked like he'd much rather be anywhere but here, yet he stayed seated, eyes locked on yours.Your hands shifted under his gaze, and his eyes flicked down to them, jaw ticking along his temple. You put your hands beneath the table, feeling somehow all too seen amidst this group of strangers that knew too much for their own good. You still couldn't find it in yourself to regret saving them, though they were quickly becoming a massive pain in your ass.The words finally clicked in your head, stealing your thoughts. You had known, obviously, that the will of the King held true over its people, had indoctrinated them with lies for the hundreds of years that they had been on this island. Yet hearing it come out of their mouths with no inkling to the truth was still just as jarring. It was a confirmation that made shame roil in your gut. You were an alien at this table, and not just because you possessed a monster beneath your skin. No you would never truly belong, knowing better and yet holding the cards tight to your chest anyway. Liar Liar Liar. Your back was to the rest of the room, though you could still hear the laboured breathing of other soldiers, their defeated tones and pained grumbles. It itched at your skin, but you forced yourself to only nod once, eyes staring into your unfinished food.“Do you guys want a little tour!” Isabel said, unfazed and unaware of the way you had zoned out, mind anywhere but here.“Sure” your brother chirped, and you found the shame receding slowly, into the back of your head where it stayed and lingered.You all got up, Isabel the quickest followed behind Furlan and your brother. You stayed back, stacking his empty plate and bringing it with you fondly. Some things never change. You looked up to find Levi standing there, waiting for you unlike the rest of them that were meandering mindlessly to the door, chatter loud and excited.You looked away from his piercing eyes, following your brother as he walked. It was the first time you had ever seen that kind of expression on your brother's face, somewhere between wonder and unabashed joy. It brought a soft smile to your face, one that you couldn't really tamper down all the way. No, you thought, because when your brother was finally starting to look like a normal little boy, you couldn't ever regret saving two idiots like them.You walked silently to them, Levi beside you, and let them lead you out the double doors. Isabel got in front, voice loud and arms swinging as she led the way like a great general. It kind of made you want to laugh. Your brother did however, and the sound made your heart pang happily. You would go through all of this again if it meant that he would be walking here in a hallway amidst weird strangers laughing like that.“So this here is all the sleeping quarters! They don't separate the guys and girls so beware, you might hear some exciting activities in your sleep”she winked at the group, earning a cringe from Furlan and a disgusted grumble from Levi. Your brother, the sweet summer child, only turned to look at you in confusion. You froze under his curious gaze. There was no way that after all the trauma you had endured, you would be forced to explain the birds and the bees to your brother. When did the nightmares end? At your sputtering, Isabel laughed loud before whispering to him.“I'll explain later” Your eyes shot to hers, deadpan and threatening.“Don't you even think about it”Isabel had the nerve to look unfazed, laughing loud before turning to continue the tour. To think you ever thought that girl was an innocent child. Truly a wolf in sheep's clothing. Furlan had the decency to at least wince apologetically at you before following along, and you heard Levi mumble something that sounded like menace underneath his breath. The urge to laugh rose inside you again, and it felt like a balloon inflating in your chest.“Now this here is the door to the kitchens! Don't let Shadis find you in here or he will make you run laps”She said sadly, face falling at the end. You assumed she was speaking from experience, and the imagery of her getting caught and then being made to run laps made a smile twitch on your face. Your brother took pity on her, patting her arm consolingly before she lifted herself back up like nothing happened.“That's the end of our tour folks since everything else is super top secret survey corps stuff” she said, chest puffing out comically, and despite her endless energy, you felt your body tiring.To think only days ago, you were sleeping in a shed on the outskirts of the wall, and now you were training underneath their very noses.The prospect of a bed made your body cringe with fear, but you ignored it, trying to overwhelm yourself with the ache of exhaustion. Isabel rambled all the way back to the rooms, and your brothers tongue loosened more and more as Furlan and Isabel engaged him in conversation. The two of them couldn't be older than 17, Isabel likely leaning closer to 15.Close to your age and yet so different from you in every way. Levi only shuffled silently by your side, and though he said little, your mind was latched onto his every move. He looked to be your age, and yet he was like family to Isabel and Furlan. How did this ragtag group of people even meet?You peeked over at him from the corner of your eye, surprised to find him looking fondly at the loud group leading the way. It was the smallest shift in a stoic face and yet it made him look completely different. You looked away before you let yourself dwell on it.Isabel finally stopped at the doors, opening them and walking in like she herself owned the place. You followed behind slightly, veering off from the group without a goodbye and choosing two beds near the door, but not too close so as to not to be disturbed. The room itself was as large as the dining hall had been, bunk beds situated beside each other in 3 rows. There were only two windows, round and small, along the far wall. Too high up to truly see any stars.Some of the beds looked to be untouched for years, with only around 16 being currently used. Your brother came up beside you, already starting for the stairs of the top bunk. The same questions lingered in his eyes as he took in the room, and he had no qualms about asking Isabel for the reason.Your eyes found them in the dark, surprised to find that Levi and Furlan were in the beds to your right, with Isabel taking an empty bunk bed right behind your own. Whether or not they had chosen them because of your own placement, you didn't know.“Why is it so empty?”Your brother was whispering, though no one looked asleep yet. There was a hush to this room, like a dark cloud hanging over it. She whispered back in turn, fluffing up her pillow as she did.“A lot of people have family in town, so they stay with them. and the others…are in the medical wing right now, or didn't make it back” She said, voice solemn near the end. Her eyes found yours in the dark and you bit your tongue, sitting heavily on your bed. It had been a silly question in hindsight, with the sheer amount of people that die doing this kind of work, but it still made your stomach shift. How many of these beds had just recently held someone? Had they known them? Did they feel like they died in vain?You laid back against the bed, hearing the others do the same. Your brother shifted on the top bunk before his deep breathing finally greeted your ears minutes later. You had never slept in a room with so many people before, and every shift or groan dragged along your frayed nerves. Your mind raced in your head, having learned so much and yet so little. The people here were kind, kinder than any you had met in Marley. And yet this room dwindled in numbers every mission, with anyone that you love slipping like sand between your fingers. The entire room was bathed in darkness, brick and wood, your only two companions.You turned onto your side, away from the direction of Levi and Furlans bed. There was the smallest sliver of moonlight shining against the dark ground, and your heart longed so viciously to go outside, to see the stars. You felt constricted, too many memories laying too deeply on the surface of your mind.Sleeping had never come easy, but after everything, it became a nightmare. Even surrounded by so many, the food roiled angrily in your stomach, and gaunt eyes flashed in your mind. Another distant shuffling had the end of your rope snapping, and you moved on silent feet to get up. You needed to see the night sky, needed to get out of your head and remember that the world existed. That you had gotten out and were alive and weren’t back there.You walked out of the room, shutting the door silently behind you. You were an expert at it, after all. Who knew that would ever come in handy thousands of miles away from the same source that had taught you. The torches were unlit in the hallways and you waited a couple seconds for your eyes to adjust before walking down. You didn't exactly know where you were going, with Isabel's tour being more comical than actually helpful but you opted to go in the direction of the meal hall, those huge windows your only sign that you were edging the exterior of the building.Your hand stayed along the wall, running along rough, uneven stone. It was grounding but also helped you keep track of where you were. You couldn't be caught wandering the grounds here when the sun came up. Your ears listened for any type of movement in the halls, ready to bolt at a moment's notice, but nothing came, and you continued on.You walked until your eyes saw a dark opening in the wall. You let go of the brick, walking towards the opening, and found stairs winding up to the sky. You had no idea where it led, had no light in the halls and could just as easily stumble upon someone's private chambers at the top.Then you heard the smallest whistle of the wind. A wisp so light of fresh air that it made your heart leap high in your chest. In a house of brick, you longed so desperately to see the big open sky, and without a second thought, you began the climb.At the second twist, a window opened up in front of you, large and unobstructed. It brought a smile crashing to your face. You could just sit here, jump up onto that ledge and watch the sky, but…it was only a glimpse. It only faced the south courtyard, away from the moon and the beautiful North star. The stairs continued onwards, now bright thanks to the light of the stars. You opted to continue on, praying to any god above that they led you outside.Another window came into view, and you paused only for a moment to breathe in the night's chilled air before ascending further. Finally, a small door greeted you, and your heart lurched in your chest. This could still be someone's room, someone might be up there, you could get caught and get yourself into shit.You tiptoed forward, leaning your ear softly against the door. Only the howling of the wind greeted you. You crouched down low, eyeing the bottom of the door. Moonlight shined through the thin sliver, and it made a smile bloom wide onto your face. You turned the knob slowly, head pounding from trying so desperately to make out any noise in the silence, but none came, and gathering your courage, you opened the door.Wind rushed to your face, and the sky spread over you like a lover's embrace. You were at the top of a spire, brick surrounding you in a small circle, the door the only other opening to be seen. You let it shut slowly behind you before rushing forward to the edge.It was the most high up you had ever been without your titan, made you feel so small and insignificant under such an open and unending sky. It was one of the main reasons why you loved looking at it so much, it made everything bad that has ever happened to you feel so small, like life would move on and everything would be okay.You hopped up on the thick railing, ignoring the way your stomach swooped when your eyes looked at the drop. You felt alive, like your blood was singing. This was the most free you ever felt. You finally relaxed against the brick, somehow still warm beneath you from the shining sun of the morning. Your head rested back against it, not even caring about the way it dug stighly into your back.The North star, with its sister, shined bright at you in welcome, and the moon sat full and heavy in the sky. The stars shined so much brighter here, and it made a lump form in your throat. This would never get tiring to look at. Your eyes found the little dipper and Orion's belt. Small constellations amidst the huge black sea. It was gigantic, and it was beautiful.The door swinging open made your stomach plummet into nothingness. Your neck cracked from the speed of your turn, and your brown eyes met sleet grey, pinched and dark.Your hackles stayed raised and your eyes never left his. He scanned you, and everywhere his eyes roamed, gooseflesh rose in its wake. He said nothing, letting the door shut silently behind him. Your eyes scanned him in turn, and you couldn't tell if he was on the cusp of throwing you over or not. Something inside you said that he wouldn't, but you didn't trust it.You contemplated getting down, and when you made a move to do so, his scowl deepened and he rolled his eyes, annoyed.“I'm not going to throw you off idiot” he said gruffly, and something about hearing it made you want to laugh at the situation.Maybe it was the open air, the stars shining above you and the way Levi had taken a small step back that had your tongue loosening itself. You had no idea what he was thinking, couldn't read him or piece together a thing. You wondered why either of you had ever had to learn to mask so much from the world.“I'd like to see you try”The side of his mouth flicked up, and he schooled it back to a scowl so quickly, you thought you had imagined it. He was hard enough to understand when light was on your side, this was a new game altogether. He said nothing, watching you once more with those searching eyes and guarded gaze. You looked right back, face revealing nothing until the sky beckoned and you laid your head back, breaking the tension.“Why did you follow me?”Your voice was quiet, swallowed by the night breeze, but you knew he heard it. There's something about him that was unignorable, something strong even though you had never seen him actually fight. You wondered who would win if you fought. There was no competition, you would wipe the floor with him.The thought made you relax back, letting the question linger. He didn't answer right away, but you felt his eyes on the side of your face. Always studying, always calculating. It was annoying, and you wanted to snap at him for ruining time you so dearly coveted.“Why are you not asleep?” he said instead, voice low. After some looking, you found the Apus constellation, named the bird of paradise. Ironic. Night air filled your chest, blowing away the weeds of your anxiety.“I could ask you the same thing”It was a deadlock, neither of you trusting the other, two people with strong wills and bigger secrets. You thought back to Furlan and Isabel and your brother. Two people who learned to be this way thanks to a cruel world. People who had a lot to lose.You didn't expect him to answer, hoped that he would take the hint and leave, but he did neither, and it shocked you enough to finally meet his gaze once again.“I dont sleep much”There was something more there, something hidden behind the unchanging tone. Like searching under your bed for something just out of reach. He had finally given you an answer, and maybe it was because the quiet of the night made you feel safe, made you feel unseen and freed in a way you couldn't be when the light was out. But you gave him one back. A nugget of something beneath the mask you too wore.“Me neither”Something in his eyes shifted, and his eyes flicked down to your hands quickly before looking back up. It was the first bit of truth you had given all day. As insignificant and inconsequential as it comes, but it made something inside you settle. You had never been a good liar.“Isabel can recognize faces like no one else”Your body tensed up, and your hackles rose again, mending the crack that you had been stupid enough to let show. You couldn't forget what it was you came here to do, and his threat was a stark reminder of that. Of who you were and why you would always be unwelcome. You did not belong here, and neither did the monster inside you.“I have no idea what you’re talking about”Your voice was like ice, swift and sharp, so different from the one before it. Your finger twitched at the lie coating your tongue, and you watched Levis' eyes flicker, his shoulders rise. He stared daggers into your soul and you did the same back. So what if he didnt believe you, if he thought something was fishy. He would have to prove it himself, and frankly he had just about as much proof as you did fucks to give. He had no idea who he was messing with. Distantly you wondered if you had any idea who you were messing with either.You clicked your tongue at the silence, relaxing back into the wall, but not all the way. He was not going to ruin this for you, not with bullshit that he hadn't even seen. Threats that didn't exist. It aggravated you the way nothing else did, who was he to come up to you and demand answers.“Were you there that day?”He did not back down, and fuck did he not know when to quit. A sharp unamused laugh left your mouth at the sheer audacity. Your eyes snapped to his, anger a welcome sensation in your blood. His eyes, so guarded, his face with a scowl etched so deep in. Something about his face reminded you of your own, a broken girl that had looked into a mirror a long time ago and saw none of herself back. And you knew no one like you knew yourself. Your mouth opened before you could rethink.“I'll make you a deal Levi, you tell me a truth and I'll tell you one of equal value. You want to know about my past, then be ready to cough up your own. If not, then go away.”Because he was like you, guarded, secretive, hiding wounds behind a brave face and pretending it didn't hurt. So when his scowl sunk deeper, his eyes went into slits and his shoulders rose, you knew you had him. Had read him like a book you knew all the words to. Because that same book lies sealed in your own withered soul.He didn't say anything, only watched you with shock and something untrusting before clicking his tongue and making for the door. You thought so.The shutting of the door ricocheted through your very being, and a scowl lined your own face. Exhaustion reared its head up, no longer refusing to be ignored, and you got down slowly from your spot. You looked back up at the stars and found that they did not calm you fully, Levi's face still etched like a burn into your mind. He would never agree to it, and it would keep him at bay hopefully forever or at least 13 years. Whichever came first. The world weighed heavy on your shoulders as you descended the steps, following the map in your mind and reaching the bed that beckoned your name.Fear still lingered in your gut but it was too drowned by your sleepiness to be of any use. Levis form laid in his bed, face too shrouded in darkness to be seen. His chest rose and fell deeply, but for some reason, you didn't believe he was truly asleep.
I don't sleep much
You scowled again at the thought, the sliver of vulnerability it had brought. It felt like being seen. What it had truly been was being a fool. You got into bed softly, the sight of constellations in your mind's eye sending you to sleep
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Shuffling to your right had your mind waking up from the darkness of slumber. You kept your eyes closed, letting your senses take in where you were and the noises around you. The light patter of steps on wood, Isabel's mumbled groan, a pair of eyes that latched onto you before leaving. They must be leaving then, off to do whatever it was the survey corps did throughout the day.It was unlikely that they would already be heading out for another mission beyond the walls. Isabel had said that they were here until most of their men healed to breach the gates again. You waited until the steps receded into the direction of the door, counting the silent seconds before finally opening your eyes. Slivers of bright morning light shined into the dark room, and the deep breathing of the remaining soldiers echoed lightly against the walls.You let your eyes close one more, knowing that the commander would likely come and get you, take you to wherever it is that would commence training. You were training again, learning new ways to fight and kill and protect. Would it feel as empty as it had in Marley? You hoped not, now that you actually believed in what you were signing up for. But people were going to die anyway, and there was no amount of training you could do to save them all.Isabels scared face popped up behind your eyes, Furlans body watching as his companion sacrificed herself. You were sure as hell going to try though. Everything would be different.The door slammed open, making your eyes jolt open.“Up and at em recruits, your first day of hell starts today.”Your head snapped to the man at the door, uniforms stacked high in his hand. His face was gaunt, eyes shadowed and face clean shaven. He stood with the authority of a commander, and his booming voice only confirmed his superior role. This would be who was training you then. The sound of the bed shifting above you told you that your brother had been awoken by the noise, like the others in the room.The rest of the kids stood frozen, eyes wide on the hulking man, and it made your eyes want to roll. Maybe things wouldn't be that different after all. You got up, walking over to him and ignoring the way his eye tracked you like a hawk. You looked back at him, no fear in your chest and grabbed a small uniform along with a bigger one for yourself. He was the farthest thing from the scariest person you had ever endured, and frankly he would be shitting bricks if he knew who you really were anyway.You spun on your heel, walking back with your head held high to your bunk, side stepping the other kids that had finally hauled ass and gone to grab their own uniforms. Some of them looked frightened by the man, hands wringing together in nerves, and it made a frown pull at your mouth. If this was terrifying, how did they think they were going to manage titans? Especially ones strong enough to breach the walls?You climbed up until the third rung, tossing your brother a wry smile before handing him his uniform. He looked just as groggy as he alway did, but his eyes went wide at the uniform at his feet. He raced for it, unfolding it quickly before going to put it on. It made you smile wider before you shoved it down, getting down to your own bed and changing.The sight of your scars made any lingering contentment sink into the bottom of your stomach, and you turned your back to the room, hoping to get some semblance of privacy. You changed quickly, breath leaving your lungs when every bit of injured skin was finally covered. When you turned, only one boy was looking back at you, eyebrows raised high on his head, but your answering glare had him looking away and keeping his head down. Good.Your brother descended the ladder before you could contemplate beating the boy's ass for good measure, shaking you from your thoughts. Following behind his eager steps, you left the room led by the tall man from before, letting yourself be led out into a big empty courtyard. The hallways were more lively than the day before, soldiers limping on crutches, casts covering disfigured wounds. People were healing, people were alive. You looked away from them all, keeping your head straight and shoulders back.“Get in formation” He yelled, voice strong against the gentle wind.Your body moved from experience, and your brother tailed you, lining up side by side in front of the commander. His eyes flickered with something before he turned to the other loitering kids, his glare pushing them into action. You stood in 3 small rows of 5, eyes facing forwards and bodies tense.“My name is Keith Shadis, im going be making you good for nothing weaklings into more than just titan food! You will listen to every goddamn thing that leaves my mouth. You will not question, you will not back down, you will not talk back, or I will personally throw you into the titans mouth myself. Do I make myself clear?”Your body stood at attention, though your gaze flicked to your little brothers in your periphery. His movements matched your own, not even flinching against the harsh tone of Keith Shadis. Shadis… That was who had made Isabel run laps when she stole food. Your eyes focused back on his harsh face, wrinkles etched deep into his skin. It added up.He moved in front of you all, starting at the beginning of the row and screaming at the girl he stood in front of.“And what the hell is your name?”You stopped listening, knowing this was the shovel talk that would come before the real deal, an initiation of sorts. Your hands clenched hard at the thought of the man yelling at your brother, and you bit your tongue lightly to stop yourself from letting your thoughts run. The girl's voice was shaky against his verbal assault, and he finally eased up, moving on to the next boy. He asked him why he joined, and the answers confirmed your suspicions from the night before.“To fight for the future of humanity”They were poor, had all arrived in mostly tattered clothing or tired gazes. There were only two boys who had arrived looking clean, well put together and excited. They probably sought for an easy life within the walls, to continue what they already knew life to be. Peaceful.Shadis harassed him some more, minor name calling and threats before moving on to your brother beside you. Your shoulders tensed minutely, holding back the anger that you knew would come sharp, but surprisingly the commander took one look at your brother and moved on.The anger died in your veins, mild surprise replacing it before the commander was in front of you. He towered over you, the smell of smoke and something bitter making your nostrils flare. His eyes glared into yours, and you responded in turn, face devoid of emotion. His eyes scanned down your face, searching for something before he backed up a step, moving on down the line. You didn't let your body relax, kept it at attention and waited for him to finish his rounds.There was only one other boy he skipped before he had finally taken his turn yelling at everyone. Someone behind you was sniffling, and the girl from the start had not stopped shaking fully. Another person was whispering minutely behind you, likely curious why some people skipped the humiliation, but you ignored it in favour of watching the commander walk back up.He unbuttoned his coat, bringing everyone's attention back to him. At the last button, he shook it off, and the silver contraption around his waist made your eyes glisten. It had been the same tool you had seen on Isabel and Furlan. The great ingenuity of Paradise. To make mere human beings fly. “What I have around my waist is Omni-directional maneuver gear, or ODM for short. This will be your first trial. If you cannot learn to balance in one of these, you have no business here and you will be sent packing right back to the disappointments that made you.”Some of the others shifted around, and you felt your brother stiffen at your side. It was a hefty threat, though you couldn't help the fact that it made sense. Not everyone could survive off meer merit and will alone. There had to be a foundation to build upon, a skill to hone. If you couldn't use the only gear that kept you from a titans mouth, you were as good as dead anyway. You itched to put it on and try it out.Shadis motioned behind him to a large contraption, two wooden beams connecting two dangling pieces of rope, with an ODM belt situated in the middle, connecting the two. There was a lever on one side, attached to the ropes and could likely tighten the tension with each rotation, lifting the belt higher into the air.“You will have 3 attempts to balance in this belt. If you fail all 3 by the end of the day, you are out.”His voice rung heavy against the small group, and you kept your feet planted in front, eyes latched onto the belt. Shadis smiled wide, more a show of teeth than anything else.“Which one of you weaklings wants to go first?”You didn't bother hesitating, moving up towards the belt and turning the Shadis. If you were meant to be here and do this, then your body would know what to do. If it didn't, you would leave here and never look back, knowing that you had given it your all. Maybe it would be better if you couldn't. Your eyes found your brothers, huge and bright and hopeful. It made shame writhe in your gut, and you looked away, hating yourself for the thought. Shadis came up beside you, unlatching the belt before motioning you to step inside. You kept your eyes on your brothers as he stood enraptured, hands clenched together in front of him. You had to do this, for him. There was no half assing, no turning back or regretting. The belt tightened on your waist, and the feel of anothers hands so close to your body made you tense further.Shadis finally stepped back, eyes scrutinizing his work before looking back up at you. Your face was a mask of calm, prepared for anything. You were surprised to feel no anxiety in your gut, no fear or turmoil mixing in with your nerves. You watched him move around you, placing his hand on the lever. The action made the ropes jolt, and you forced your body to relax in response. Closing your eyes for but a moment, you focused on your center of gravity, tightening your core and loosening your limbs.As though the opening of your eyes was a confirmation, Shadis begun spinning the lever. The ropes tightened further and further, and the last thing you felt was your toes leaving the ground before you were weightless. Your stomach swooped, and a smile bloomed on your face unbidden. It felt better than anything you had ever experienced. The wind blew your hair away from your body, failing to jostle your still form as it hung from the ropes.Your eyes lifted up to find your brothers, and the sheer glee on his face made your smile grow. You couldn't even remember the last time you smiled this wide. It made your cheeks hurt, and distantly you could see some of the other kids smiling hopefully too, but your eyes never left your brothers. That is until Shadis came in front of you, glare not nearly as sharp as it had been all morning.“Good. You passed.”The words made victory slither its way up your spine, words that were always meant to be yours by right. This is what it felt like to be the best. You drank in the feeling of not holding back, soaking in the rays of success before you were brought back to the ground.You unclasped the belt yourself, finally fixing your face back into neutrality before walking back into formation. Kids now eagerly walked to the front, smiles shakey on their faces as they took their spot on the mechanism. The next girl that went after you shook against the ropes, arms outstretched and tense, though she did not fall. You watched only half present, emotions still reeling from how it had felt to be weightless.Your brother went afterwards, clearly too excited at the prospect but you held your tongue, watching with sharp eyes as he was tied in. The ropes tightened quicker above him, and within seconds he was dangling above the ground just as you had been. His hands shook from nerves, and though he swung slightly in the belt, he too passed.Your mind fought between the happiness and the regret of his success. Had he failed, you could have gone back and left this story to die here, but he had passed, had shown that he not only had the skills to fight but could maybe stand against Marley one day. The thought brought you little comfort.His smile was beaming when he was brought back down to the ground, rushing at you in a hug the moment he was untied. You smiled back softly, mind no longer on the others. It was sign enough that he could do this, that you both could. Another boy went after, body shivering with fear.Your brother released his hold, moving to stand beside you and watch the others go through the trials. You scanned the number, 5 including yourself had gone, 10 more to go.The boy in the mechanism tilted, hands erratic at his side as he swung back and forth without control. You winced internally, knowing it would happen before his head thudded roughly on the ground. You heard the other children wince, some gasping in shock. He was the first fail of the day. Shadis released the hold on the lever, letting it crank itself back down, though he glared viciously at the boy on the ground.He was lifting himself up gingerly, on dirty knees and bruised elbows. You bit your cheek lightly, feeling sympathy bloom in your chest, though it was quickly hardened. He might not know it, but it was better this way. Better to leave with a mild concussion and some shame than rotting in a titans belly.You looked away from his embarrassed face, his chin shaking from repressed tears, and instead looked around at the empty courtyard. You were behind the training castle, in a patch of empty dirt surrounded by trees that grew mismatched along its back. If you squinted, there was a large cluster of them across the courtyard, miles away from where you stood. You would likely be training in there, memories of Isabel's moving form along trees confirming your suspicion.Your brothers feet scuffed beside you in impatience, and you looked back to find that everyone had gone, some faces happier than others. The older boy from before had a grin wide on his face, arrogance lighting up his features. It seemed Marley and Paradis shared the same rats.“Everyone who has passed, you are dismissed, get out of my sight.”Shadis's voice was a welcome reprieve and you didn't look back before turning on your heel, your brother already matching your speed. The others were already chatting behind you, the lingering endorphins from success making everyone just a little more lively, a little happier. You didn't stick around to join them, walking yourself and your brother into the lunch hall to eat.The room was emptier than the day before, probably having arrived at dinner time exactly, but now the sun was high in the sky, and only the stragglers remained. Your eyes scanned the tables, groaning internally when Isabel's hand waved through the air excitedly. Fuck.You ignored it, knowing already that your brother had returned the wave just as happily, so you veered to the lunch line instead. It was empty save for everyone that had passed in your group and some scouts that had just arrived. You noticed belatedly that everyone in here was scouts, the Garrison soldiers that had been there the day prior likely needing to go back into the town for business. There were fewer scouts than you thought, though you hoped that the missing bunch were simply healing up elsewhere.The food was in your hand quickly, a loaf of bread with some cheese on the side. You looked to the other empty tables, waiting for your brother to get his plate before making for one of them. Before you could, you brother had already grabbed your hand, spinning you away from the empty tables and walking towards Isabel, Furlan and Levi.“I called you over! I thought you were going to another table” she said accusingly and you gave her a deadpan stare in response, sighing internally before sitting.“Sorry I didn't see you”It was a complete lie, one that every one of them knew but you didnt really care, digging into your food straight away. Isabel squaked in disbelief and you heard Furlan chuckle under his breath. Your mouth ticked up in amusement, and when your gaze flicked up, you couldve sworn Levi had quirked up his lip.“Thats so not true, we literally made eye contac-”“Anyways, how was your morning?” Furlan interrupted, a smile still on his face in amusement. You left your brother to answer first, nausea at the food in your mouth making your breaths stutter slightly. Fuck would you have to deal with this every time?“It was great! We met Shadis and he tested us on the ODM gear. Y/n went first and passed the first try!”His excitement pushed you from your thoughts, and the praise made your cheeks flare up. You kicked him lightly under the table, picking away at your food. Isabel broke the tension first, taking the light off of you. Maybe you loved her actually.“That was like big bro Levi! He was so good at it the first time he tried that Commander Er-”“That's enough out of you brat” Levi cut in, voice sharp and annoyed. A mug dangled in his hand, steam floating into the air. His eyes, however, were fond when they looked at Isabel, a look you had never seen him make before. It shocked you and you stared at him before Isabel's pout took your attention, though the look sat in your mind longer than you liked.“How long have you been in the survey corps?” your brother asked, plate nearly empty. You moved your plate over to his silently, giving him your portion without drawing too much attention to yourself. The question had you curious as well, since every one of them looked so young. Too young to be risking their lives, to know the hardship or grief and war and loss. Did any of them have families who hoped for their safe return? Dreams they wished to pursue?Isabel and Furlan looked at each other with wary eyes, making you tense up slightly in your seat. A secret. Interesting. You didn't bother speaking up, knowing when not to pry. You had secrets of your own anyway, and the less questions the better. Your eyes found Levis, and it didn't surprise you to find him looking back. You wished you could go into his brain and see what he was thinking, dissect and understand. Last night's conversation rose to your mind unbidden and you frowned, looking away and opting to ignore him all together.“A couple months” Isabel finally said, voice tight with something you didnt understand. You didnt feel obliged to even try. Your brother opened his mouth to ask more, either unknowing or uncaring of their clear discomfort, but you cut him off, whether for their sake or your own, you didnt know.“Finish your food, we have to train”His neck snapped over to you, excitement shining bright and you rolled your eyes, smiling fondly at him before tamping it down. He looked back to his food, shovelling the rest of the two plates into his mouth with little care about manners. Or breathing. It was kind of disgusting, and it made you want to laugh. It was the first time he had ever shown any bit of excitement at the dinner table, ever behaved like the teenager he was. It did something to your chest that made a lump grow in your throat. You swallowed it down before it could take up space.“Train? What kind of training?” Isabel said, voice curious and high. Her eyes danced with longing and curiosity when you looked up, making you bite your lip. You weren't annoyed, but you knew kids, and you knew exactly how this would go. You sighed under your breath slightly, motioning for your brother to tell them as you got up. Whatever tea Levi was drinking smelled like Heaven to your pounding head, and you needed 17 of them.You didn't look back as you stood, your brother's voice already speaking before you had even gotten up. Your eyes scanned the room, finding a large kettle along the far corner, nearly hidden if you weren't searching for it.There were no options and weirdly enough no coffee. Did they not have coffee here in Paradis? The thought of slipping up on something so inconsequential made your anxiety spike, and with a cup of black tea, you raced back to the table. Thankfully your brother had not revealed all of your secrets in the 10 seconds you had left.“Hand to hand combat? When did she learn that in Shiganshina?”Isabel's voice was incredulous, not a sliver of distrust in her response, though your hand still twitched against the glass, making drops of hot tea roll down the mug. You sat down sharply, bringing the glass down louder than necessary. These were the types of questions that reminded you of where you were, of who you were. Everything that they were not.All eyes flickered to you, and you looked at Isabel, taking a sip of the burning liquid before speaking. Your mind wracked for something to say, blending truth with lie and lie with truth. Everything was a game, of toeing the line and hoping you didn't fall. Your brother was stiff beside you, fear rolled off of him in waves.“You learn a lot of things growing up in unkind circumstances” You said finally, body relaxing slightly.You kept your hands on the table, face neutral as you took another sip.You didn't expect the understanding in Isabel and Furlans eyes, didn't expect the way Levi stiffened, eyes moving away from where they had been glued on you. They looked at you with something different than before, not the pity you had expected but the gaze of someone who understands. The gaze of someone who feels seen. You didn't know why it made your chest hurt so sharply, made a flicker of empathy bloom in your brain, like a seed being planted in soil.They were a found family, mismatched and completely different, and yet they had all found each other. Your eyes flicked to Levi. His jaw was clenched and his gaze was far away, mind no longer in the present room. His face was pinched, something like pain in his features, though he looked back to your searching gaze before you could identify more. Like a switch, he was shut off, back to being the stoic man from before.You looked away, relaxing back into your seat.Your eyes flickered over to your brother's empty plates, the boy himself also lost in thought as he gazed at the trio. For the first friends he could’ve made, this group was not bad. You cleared your throat, removing him from his own head. You moved to get up once more, signaling the end of this conversation before it could descend any further when Isabels voice stopped you once more.“Can we join you?”Her eyes were big and pleading, hands clasped together as though she was praying and the sight made your lips twitch in amusement.“No” you said, moving to turn away before your brother grabbed your arm, keeping you there. Traitor.“Please we promise not to be annoying!” She said, while being annoying, leaning further into your direction.Your brother turned his own pleading eyes on you, and even Furlan looked curious. You couldn't help smiling at the antics this time, and maybe it was because of that small breadcrumb of understanding you all shared, maybe it was because of your brother begging his friends to come like a normal boy, or the fact that Levi looked like someone asked him to go die painfully in a ditch that you clicked your tongue, defeat in your voice.“Fine, but no complaining if you all eat dirt or suffer miserably”They nodded vigorously, Levi clicking his tongue in what you swore was amusement. You smiled wide before schooling your face back into neutrality, walking back into the courtyard from before.Shadis was now long gone, along with the students that might have been sent packing and the ODM mechanism. You walked into the center of the field, feeling no better than a commander when the rest of them tailed you, lining up in an uneven line. Even Levi had joined, albeit looking exhausted and annoyed. Isabel and Furlans smiles were wide on their faces, mirroring your brothers as they came to a stop in front of you. They were going to regret this quickly.This much attention usually wasn't on you at once, and it made your skin crawl with mild discomfort. It reminded you of training in Marley, of standing separate from the rest, a freak surrounded by normal people. It hadn't stung, not really, it had been a prison of your own making, but it had felt so isolating. You hadn't realised before now.You looked back up at the group in front of you, at Isabel and your brother attempting to step on each other's toes, while Furlan referried. As Levi stood to the side watching with both amusement and disgust.They, unlike the others, looked at you with contentment, with amusement that made shame rage in the back of your head. They made you feel like you were the normal one surrounded by freaks, and it was the most happy you had ever felt. The emotion made you jolt, and you cleared your throat, eager to start.“Okay, I want everyone to get into fighting stances.”You watched them all flinch apart at your voice, now stiff and icy. If there was one thing you weren't going to play around with, it was their lives. Sure, hand to hand wasn't that necessary against titans, but you knew better than anyone that they were not against titans. Not really.You watched them get into various forms of…whatever the hell they were doing. Levi stood off to the side, leaning on a tree and watching with amusement. You itched to fight him, to see how well he could do against you, but that was a game for another time.Zeroing in on each person, the closest to a real fighting stance was Furlan, though you assumed what he lacked was not necessarily in knowledge, it was in execution. Isabel looked like she was about to pirouette on a ballet stage and your brother just stood there in confusion, making you look like an absolute embarrassment.You resisted the urge to face palm and opted instead to start with Furlan. You made to go over but stopped yourself before you could.“Do I have everyone's permission to touch them?”It was never a question you had been asked in training, never something you had even heard anyone say before, but you had realised, right before going to correct Furlans form that it mattered. You remembered every unwanted touch, every time someone had helped themselves to your body to inflict pain. It was like a phantom limb, no longer there, though you could still feel it. You saw Levi shift slightly in your periphery, but you didn't look, instead looking each person in the eyes as they nodded.You nodded back once, moving to Furlans side.“Spread your legs shoulder width apart. Good, now I want your hands in lose fists, not so tight, that exerts energy early that you want to save. One high and one a little lower, right in front of your face, close to your body. Good. Did everyone else hear that?”You looked over from Furlans form, biting your tongue in annoyance when Isabel and your brother looked at you in confusion, clearly not having been listening. This was going to be a multiple session ordeal.You bit back your annoyance, reminding yourself that these were children, who should've been reading and playing but instead were learning how to fight in hopes it would make a difference. In hopes it would keep them alive. You softened your voice, moving over to Isabel next and getting her in form before moving on to your brother last.You backed up once you were done, scrutinizing each person's form.“Furlan hands higher, you look like you're making boobs, Isabel keep those legs bent…not that much.”You lectured each person, making sure their mind was on every muscle, memorizing the placement. Their faces were scrunched up in concentration, and you walked around them in a circle, tapping and fixing anything that was even a hair out of place. Finally back to the front, you smiled slightly, pride welling up in your chest at their effort.“Okay good, now drop it.”They all hesitated, looking at each other before following the order. Once all of them were back to neutral you spoke once more.“Into fighting stance”You watched them glitch, watched them get into stances that were not like the ones you had just meticulously made, and you smirked at them in annoyance. Now it was going to get fun. “I will fix your stances two more times. After that anyone that does not get into a perfect stance will have to do 10 push ups before attempting again. Every error I add 10 more, is that clear?”You watched them flinch back, fear now a painting on their faces. You swore you saw a flash of a smile from where Levi stood against the tree, arms crossed but eyes watching every move you made. It was distracting, and you were doing incredibly well at ignoring him.Their faces made you smile wider, and Isabel looked ready to start screaming. Furlan sweatdropped, and your brother was shifting in his stance, attempting to get it closer to what it was before and somehow only making it worse. Yes this would be fun indeed.You moved through them again, fixing their forms as you spoke out loud, hoping either technique would ingrain in their brains. You couldn't help the fondness growing at their eagerness, their willingness to listen and learn. Their respect for you. It wasn’t surprising given how you had saved their lives, but it was endearing all the same.Once you were back at the front, you repeated it again, enjoying the cooling breeze that flowed as the sun descended behind you. It would be a warm night.“Now back into fighting stance”They were closer this time, slightly faster but still missing technical errors. You went over them again, this time letting yourself be part of the demonstration and showing your own body falling into the movements. It felt as easy as breathing, and if you closed your eyes, you could feel the scrutinizing eyes of your commander on you, the scared faces of your peers, a song to your soul.“I don't want you to just do the moves to do them, you must remember why they go where they go.”You moved into stance, swinging a punch slowly as an example.“Your arms need to be here to guard your face, to guard your vitals: chest and heart. Any higher and you sacrifice your field of vision, any lower and you're as good as knocked out.”You lowered your arms, letting them watch your movements as they stayed in form. There was awe on their faces, similar to how they had looked at you when you had downed the abnormal titan with a bloody shirt and a loose sword. It made your chest pang, but you ignored it, continuing the lesson.“Your feet must go here so that your body can not only lunge but dodge. They can't be side by side or you are too easy to knock over, and they can't be too far apart or they will slow you down. Think of twisting, ducking, or leaning.They mirrored your movements, eyes lighting up at the feel. Good, they were learning something at least. Now was the moment of truth.“Now drop the form” You said, voice stern but softer, fonder, hopeful.You nodded once, signaling them to get into formation, and felt your soul ascend when every single one of them got it wrong.They had the nerve to look at you hopefully, Isabel even eagerly before you sighed to the heavens, not even bothering to look at the wreckage further.“All of you drop and give me 20, and don't even think about giving me lip” You said, watching in amusement as they all looked destroyed, getting down on the ground slowly.Your eyes finally found Levis across the small space, breath lodging in your throat at the small smile on his face as he watched them all do push ups and grumble. It changed his entire face, and you felt your stomach shift at the sight. There was a small glimmer in his eyes, though his arms were still crossed in front of his large chest. It was the most alive you had ever seen him look. His usually sharp features smoothed out, softening as his raven hair blew softly in the breeze. He looked…Like he could sense your eyes on him, his gaze found yours, face immediately reverting back to his usual self. You checked to make sure your own face revealed nothing and looked away sharply, opting to gouge out your eyes before you ever thought of looking at him again.Furlan got up first, panting and looking worse for wear, but his eyes were still bright, smiling small. Isabel and your brother were next, both looking on the cusp of passing out. You don't remember the last time your brother had even truly exercised, save for when you would climb trees together when you were younger, playing pretend in woods miles across the sea. They were lucky they were kids doing this, their youthful energy making this a less painful process.The thought made you feel old, and you frowned, watching them all before making them go back into stance and fixing any mistakes.They were up to 60 pushups, you looked at Isabel specifically, before you had mercy on them, giving them a couple final pointers before you let them go. Isabel, the little rat, ran to Levi like she had been freed from jail. She jumped to hug him, wailing about the pain before he dodged to the side, giving her a disgusted scowl and mumbling about sweaty brat needing a shower. Furlan, ever the saint, only walked off slightly limping, a smile still on his face, and your brother, the menace, laid down on the floor like a corpse, knowing you would have pity and pick him up. Children.You huffed a sigh, the night air now blowing beautifully against your sweaty back. Your chest felt light and there was a healthy flush on your brother's damp face. You looked into his eyes as you lifted him, and his huge grin greeted you like the North Star. You couldn't help but smile back, feeling the most alive you had ever felt. You could feel it, the line tightening and wrapping around, whispering the dangerous word into your ear.Friends.It was such a risk, such a tightwire. You wouldn't call them friends, wouldn't go that far yet but when your eyes flicked over to find Furlan sleeping against the tree and Isabel chasing a disgusted Levi, something in your empty chest moved, panged and writhed and clicked into place.You looked away before the feeling could swelter, chewing at your cheek in shame. Liar. Monster. They will hate you soon. The trio fell in step beside you, your brother a comforting weight as you piggy backed him into the fortress, letting his and Isabel's excited mumbling calm your thoughts. Even though you had just gotten inside, you itched to go back outside, already longing to relax under the stars and let them take away the secrets that waterlogged your lungs.You all separated at the sleeping quarters, Isabel and Furlan giving you an exhausted goodnight before retiring to their beds. Your brother was conked out before you could get your body settled, the anxiety of sleep clouding over the joy you had just felt.You hated it, hated the fact that even surrounded by people who were kind and miles away from anything that could ever dare to hurt you, sleep still shook you to your core. Everytime you closed your eyes, you were haunted by the blood on your hands, the pain, the grief, the pale brunette who looks at you and knows your thoughts. Sometimes you whisper apology after apology, sometimes you curse at her for not fighting harder. You hated your own mind, and it had been the one bit of solace you had always had. Losing it hurt the way nothing else did.You waited until your body shook, needing to be released from the confines of your own thoughts before getting up. Maybe one day the nightmares would cease, maybe you deserved to have them for the rest of your days. You couldn't make up your mind on which was better.On silent steps, you retraced your path, unable to forget it from the night before. Within seconds you were back up the stairs, the door a beacon in the night. Your breaths tightened the closer you got, anticipation like lightning on your skin. You didn't bother listening under the door before turning the knob, needing to feel free so badly it ached. Out there you were nothing but a dreamer, but a girl looking into a vastness that made everything that had ever happened to her feel so small, it was barely there.Your breath pushed out of you at the first light wind, finally slowing your mind and healing your bones. It was empty, as it had been the previous day and likely would always be. Soldiers needed rest, needed to heal and close their weary eyes. You needed to feel alive. You got up onto the brick indents, sitting as you did before and letting your head lean back to view the stars. The height still made your stomach drop, a reminder of the test you had passed just this morning, but the night sky was not a time for thoughts of the day. The night welcomed the dark, and gritty and raw. The dark hid what the light could not. Maybe it was why the dark made you feel the most seen.You were four constellations in before the door swung open beside you, making you freeze. The sight of Levi shouldn't have been surprising, and yet you found yourself more shocked than the day before. Unlike yesterday, you relaxed back quicker against the bricks, at least now certain that he had not changed his mind on murdering you. His soft face pulled itself from your memories into your minds eye, and you looked away from him, back up to your stars. An amused smile finds its way onto your face, more from the sheer oddity of his presence than anything.“So we meet again” you say softly, not wanting to disturb the peaceful night air.Your eyes finally found the Andromeda constellation, or otherwise called the chained lady, and the smile on your face melted into nothing. You kept your eyes on her as the silence lingered, a heaviness filling your stomach. Even up there, you were not alone. Levi shifted slightly on his feet, and you had a feeling he was thinking through what to say. You couldn't fathom why he had returned, last night having been an abrupt, harsh ending. There was nothing for either of you to say, and the silence itched at you the way it always did.You were on the cusp of speaking up, tired of his heavy presence where it was not wanted when he finally broke the reverie, making your gaze snap to him.“Fine” He said stiffly, eyes locked on yours and holding you in place.The lady in chains twinkled up in the sky but your eyes were on Levi, trying and failing to understand what he meant. You knew your face didn't look confused, but your silence hinted enough, and he looked away annoyed, voice monotone as he added the much needed context.“A truth for a truth”Your eyes widened, and the resounding silence rang through your ears. What the fuck. What the FUCK.He was never supposed to agree, never should've thought twice about sharing the secrets he so clearly keeps to his chest. Yet here he was, somehow with a change of heart, willing to splay them all at your feet. You clenched your teeth, panic rising inside your body. He couldn't know, couldn't possibly yearn to know the truth bad enough that he would do that. But then again he yearned for humanity's survival, knew you had been outside the walls to save Isabel and were not telling the whole truth.Your hands trembled beneath you and he finally looked up, eyes dark and serious and jarring. Could he be doing this for the good of the survey corps or for his own curiosity? Did he expect that the secret would simply land you dead so it doesn't matter if he told you anything? His eyes dug into yours, and even though your face held nothing, keeping every bit of fear and dread locked behind a vault, his eyes flicked down to your hands, and he clicked his tongue once.“That is unless you take the cowards way out and take it back”His tone had your hands stilling, and your mind froze as he leaned back against the door, arms crossed loosely. He was trying to goad you yes, but there was a silent…something there. Like he would simply leave at your rejection and never come back. There was curiosity, definitely distrust, but you thought back to his face during the training today, surprised you hadn’t noticed it before. There was also gratitude there.You had saved his friends, the only people you had ever really seen him talk to or smile at. His only connection to a past, to a family.. and so he stood there, eyes clouded by hair that looked like spider silk under the moonlight and gave you an offer.It was a barely there sort of message, a whisper read in between the lines. He gathered that something isn't adding up, that things didn't exactly corroborate and knew that whatever it is you were hiding would likely get out eventually. It was a silent Do you want anyone on your team when the dust finally settles? Looking at him, you believed that he would turn around and go if you declined, would likely put up with you for Isabel and Furlans sake but would be the first to throw them behind him once the truth came forward. Would be the first to go after you for their sake. You knew because it’s what you would do for your brother if the roles were reversed.Frankly, you were fighting to stand a chance against Marley, and you wouldn't exactly be in human form when you did. It would get out, and he was offering you a sliver of something. A chance to open up about something dangerous and he would do the same. Maybe, just maybe, he would be there at the end. Maybe it was safer not doing this alone.Your body finally stilled, relaxing back minutely against the brick. He stood watching you, and you him. You felt like you were seeing him for the first time, really seeing him. You saw it now for what it was, his way of repaying a debt.You leaned your head back to the sky, caught between a rock and a hard place. To trust and to risk falling or to shoulder it alone like you always had. He could find it all out and tell the world, sentencing you to an early grave, or he could be the strongest ally you could ever make, saving you from what you knew was coming. Andromeda's stars flared bright, and you felt like she was hinting you to the key to unlock your own chains.You made up your mind, looking at him to find him looking back. Always looking back.“Fine. One truth a day, of equal value. No prying further than the answer and we take turns every night revealing something.”You watched his eyes flicker against the moonlight, taking you in as you spoke. Something about looking at him under the moonlight made him look like a constellation that fell from the sky, destined to live among humans.He nodded once, face studying yours. You leaned back to the sky before you could regret your choice. Your conditions made it so it would take him months to reach the information he sought, and with the scouts leaving unpredictably for missions, you were giving yourself enough wiggle room to learn to trust him. At the first sign of spillage you would end the deal, having at least tried. You couldn’t help that you were curious about him as well, though his secrets held less world ending news.You opened your mouth, opting to start the game.“My favourite food is chocolate” you said, turning to him and watching in amusement as his eyes rolled, making a corner of your mouth tick up. It would be a whole lot of bullshit for a while, if you had anything to say about it.“I don’t have a favourite food, but I only drink tea, black.”Your eyebrows shot up at the honesty, the most you had heard him speak…ever. His answer was endearing, and more importantly, 100 percent true. You nodded once, agreeing on his choice.“I would agree but that’s two truths in one day and I don’t think you have earned that quite yet” You reply, watching his lips tick up at the corners, letting his eyes rest on yours for a couple seconds before he turned away, opening the door and walking off.You released a breath, happy that at least that interaction hadn’t leached the joy from your stargazing. You looked back up at the stars to find that Levi’s face had settled in your mind, persistent and unyielding. Maybe he did ruin things.You yawned heavily into your hand, getting down gingerly and retreated to the room on quiet steps. Your eyes had shut before your mind could conjure up dark memories, a dreamless sleep greeting you at last.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
You woke before Shadis came banging on the door, eyes moving to the right before you could think twice, and finding Levi's empty bed. The bunk above his shifted slightly, letting you know that Isabel and Furlan were still asleep, with only Levi being missing.You didn't let your mind wander on him for longer than necessary and made your way to the showers at the far end of the room. You had spotted the opening yesterday, cursing Isabel fondly in your head for skipping that part of the tour. Ofcourse she would leave out the actual important pieces.Showered and changed, you walked back to your bed to find clothes sitting near the edge. You must've missed them yesterday. You rifled through them quietly, dread curdling your stomach to find 3 t-shirts and a pair of slacks. More for your brother then.You sighed and laid on your bed, eyes tracing the beams of the top bunk before the door slammed open, Shadis waking everyone and their mom in his entrance. He didn't linger like the previous day, only waking you all before walking out, likely back to the courtyard of the day before.Getting up, you loitered by the bed, waiting for your brother to get changed and descend. Isabel had barely moved and Furlan had begun to sleep talk. Fantastic. You let your eyes scan the moving bodies, counting the number in your head. 12. 3 had been sent home.You couldn't remember who was missing, and couldn't really find it in yourself to be that ashamed of it. Your responsibility was not to know everyone's names and make friends, it was to keep the people you loved alive. And maybe do some good. The clock ticked lightly on the wall, and you imagined every second of your 13 years slipping past you.Your brother descended the steps, pulling you out of your reverie and walking to the door. He was behaving more confidently each day, more than you had ever seen him, walking and talking on his own without any guidance from you. It panged your chest at the thought of him growing up, growing past what had been done to you both. He deserved to.You followed behind him as he walked, ears peaking on the steps of the other children behind you. None of them had made a move to say anything to either of you, Isabel's outburst likely scaring them off, with Levi being the icing on the cake. You felt your gratitude for them grow, and quickly shoved it down somewhere far and dark.“Alright you good for nothing shits, today we get you your own ODM gear and have you start training to move in it. Don't break your bones or I'll have to do more paperwork. Is that clear?”There were nods of assent, and he didn't bother listening for more before he turned on his heel, leading you all to a shed 50 paces to the right of you.It was bigger than you thought it was, brown brick lining the entirety of its structure except for the wooden door. There was a mental lock on the front, and from the way it jingled when Shadis inserted the key, it was dingy and old, asking for a break-in. You shoved the thought away, following your brother inside and taking in the space.There were rows and rows of tables, with ODM gear sitting side by side in what seemed to be alphabetical order. Along the walls were cylinders of gas, likely what would be used to move you throughout the air. Name tags lined the top of the tables, adjacent to their retrospective gear. Interesting. They kept tabs on each person's gear.You followed Shadis to the far table, in the furthest corner of the room, underneath a small window, the size of a hefty crate. 12 unassigned ODM belts sat at the edge, waiting to be taken and given out. He stood by the gear waiting, so you reached out, grabbing one at random and moving back to the table to inscribe your name. The others followed suit soon after, some talking excitedly to each other as they placed their gear next to each other.Your brother moved beside you, writing his own name in perfect script beside yours. Something about the sight made a lump form in your throat. You were here, doing this together and such a long long way away from Marley. It almost felt like it had been a long nightmare in moments like this, moments so mundane that they smudged years of abuse and hurt. Like he could feel your eyes on him, he looked over, giving you a smile that you didn't think twice about returning.“Now that you know where it goes, get it on, we are going on a field trip”The old man really had no right looking that sinister while he smiled, but when it made the other kids in the group start shaking, you kind of figured it was funny. If anything it was conditioning, because you didn't think the titans were any more scary than a happy Keith Shadis.You did as you were told, hands pulling the gear tight against your body, tugging it once for good measure before grabbing a cylinder and walking off. Shadis led the march, walking you towards the cluster of trees you had seen hours ago, on a quiet rooftop beside a grouchy soldier. Levi entered your mind unbidden, and you bit your tongue to erase the mental image. He was more a pain in your ass than anything else, and you would do good to remember that.The sight of the looming trees pushed Levi far into the crevices of your mind, replacing it with gut clenching fear. You cursed at yourself in your head, hating the way your hands twitched at your sides. This wasn't supposed to affect you anymore, not here. The trees were no much smaller than the ones in your nightmares, so much more green and vivid and alive and yet none of those facts took away from the dread.“Scared?” a voice asked from behind you, and you grit your teeth, turning your head to see the older boy from before. Wandering eyes and an arrogant tongue, the worst kind of prick. You gave him a glare, not bothering to give attention where it wasn't due and continued walking. He would learn soon enough anyway.“I want all of you to get up onto a tree. Attached to your gear are two handles, click the trigger with your fingers and hooks will shoot out at your waist. If you bumbleheaded fucks can manage that, I might actually have something to work with.” Shadis yelled, eyes stern and shadowed as he paced the group. Quite the delight he was.You looked down at the gear, eyeing the slot where the hooks would shoot out. You'd have to face the direction you want to go. You walked away from Shadis, aiming for a singular tree on the outskirts of where you had walked in. The trees themselves were not densely packed, letting pockets of light cascade down from the sky. The sunlight shined warmly on your skin, reminding your jumbled mind that the sky awaited beyond this forest. That you could leave anytime, and fly above these branches if only you mastered this.Your palms sweat against the gear, thrumming with determination before you aimed for a tree and shot forward. You flew for the tree, so fast that you thought you would find your head slammed against its side before your left hand pulled the trigger, releasing gas and pulling your body away from the ground.Gravity was a thing of the past, your body weightless as it ripped upwards through the leaves. Their light touch caressed your face as the world opened up, air tearing through your hair.Sunlight opened up through the heavens, filling every dark cavity in your body and a smile tore across your face in delight. For mere milliseconds, your body hung in the air, caught between the dizzying rise and the terrifying fall. You savoured it, heart thundering so loud that it overtook every one of your senses.Gravity won out, starting to tumble you forward, but you felt free, ecstatic, filled with every colour under the sun. Your eyes found a branch, and your fingers pulled the trigger like they were always meant to.You aimed for the branch, landing with enough force to shake your bones from the sockets, but the smile on your face was glued there, unable to be moved even if the world were to burn around you. Your eyes landed on Shadis, down at the ground, watching your every move.There was a sparkle in his eye, something you could've sworn looked like pride before he began yelling at the few children that had not made a move since his orders.Your eyes scoured the children at the bottom, smile falling when your brother wasn't among them. You looked around, panic rising steadily in your body until his grinning face found yours, a light in the forest's darkness, not 10 meters away from you. He was on a tree branch, hooks sunk deep into its trunk. He had done it.Your answering grin broke through onto your face, wide and alive with joy. Even after Shadis made you perform again and again to get used to the gear, every moment of flight felt brand new. Marley had no idea what was waiting for them.Hours later, Shadis finally let you all go, retiring your equipement into the shed and off to find food. Adrenaline still ran through your body, though the beginning of bruises were starting to form around your hips. The others followed behind you two as you walked inside, most stopping to get changed into t-shirts and shorts.You didn't follow, walking instead to the showers to give yourself a moment alone.Stiff lines in the shape of the gear followed your body, lining your chest to your thighs. Despite the ache, every part of you felt awake, felt free. You didn't linger in the showers, the growling of your stomach telling you to keep moving forward.Your brother waited for you outside, t-shirt and slacks big on his body, but smile perfectly in place. He was filling out his clothes slowly, his cheeks welcoming back food and exercise in a way that made your heart feel full. He stood waiting with a long sleeve in hand, clean and white and loose. You loved him more than he would ever know.“Ready?”“I should be asking you that since we train after this” You said fondly, ruffling his hair before moving back to the bathroom to put on the long sleeve.He had the nerve to look unfazed when you returned, following you to the door with a small smile.“I think Ive got it today” He said confidently, running beside you to catch up and just managing to catch the smile you tried helplessly to push down. You both had lingered back, letting the other kids in the group reach the lunch room first. You preferred it this way, and your brother had perceptively caught on.“Do you now?” You said jokingly, threats implied in every word.“So if I raised the stakes, you would be just fine”You watched his face morph into panic and released a laugh before you could hold it back. His face froze, falling into shock as he watched you. You felt so light, so free here that you hadn't realised this was the first time in years you had ever laughed. Had ever been given the chance to let happiness grow until there was too much to live inside your body.You froze along with him, smile growing smaller but the feeling residing just under the surface of your skin. It was infernal, and it was addicting.You reached the lunchroom before he could respond, falling into line and taking your trays. Like the day previous, and likely every day after this, Isabel's hand flew up to signal you over. You didn't pretend not to see her this time, waiting for your brother before walking over. You had schooled your face back into neutrality, still feeling alien amidst them despite their continued efforts. You wondered if that would ever go away. You wondered if you would want it to. Liar. Monster. They would hate y- “Hey guys! What did you get up to today?”Unlike you, your brother had no qualms over his excitement, taking over the silent table and engaging Isabel and Furlan in conversation. You ignored Levi's presence in the corner, knowing that his eyes were already on you. His gaze was unlike any others, sharp, cunning, unpredictable. It made you feel too seen, something you couldn't afford within these walls.“Super secret survey corps stuff!” Isabel said cheekily, opening her mouth to say more before Furlan interrupted.“She means we slept in and then walked around the grounds annoying Levi”You couldn't help the small tick of a smile trying to pierce through your face, and you moved your gaze against your better judgement to Levi’s. He rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue in clear annoyance. Must’ve been true then. You fought down the remainder of your smile, looking down at your plate and focusing on calming the churning in your stomach instead.Isabel was yelling at Furlan as your brother laughed, but your eyes were on the food in front of you, struggling to eat every bite that forced its way down your throat. A sickening tune, a bitter taste, the rustle of a newspaper. You bit your tongue hard, eating only half of the plate before sliding the rest to your brother and focusing back ahead.Like a moth to light, your eyes found Levis, though for once, his eyes were not on you, but on your plate, now situated by your brother's side. There was a shift in his gaze, a twitch of his brow before his eyes were back on you, face pinched and unreadable. The way he always was. A kick under the table had you focusing on Isabel, who was now speaking entirely in your direction.“We are training again after this right?”Her eyes were big, hopeful and pleading as she leaned over her empty plate. You couldn't find it in yourself to argue this time. Maybe it was the lingering joy from this morning, or the fact that despite their failures yesterday, they still yearned to learn that had you holding in your annoyance and nodding. It was a barely there tilt of your head, yet you would've thought you’d handed Isabel the moon with the way she squealed in joy.Your eye twitched in annoyance at the feel of other people stares, but you tampered it down, looking to your brother to finish his food. Like a man possessed, he shoved his food in his mouth, flooding his cheeks before looking at you with wide eyes. A small smile found your face, and you ruffled his hair once before getting up.They all followed behind, Furlan and Isabel already in t-shirts and shorts like they had known you would agree all along. They probably did since those demons wouldn't have let you rest if you had said no. Island devils indeed, though they sure looked a lot different than what you had envisioned.The field was once again empty, the sun beating hot against your side as you turned to survey them all, newfound looks of determination on their faces. It was almost pitiful, those poor unfortunate souls. Levi scoffed as he walked by them, clearly letting his own amusement show before leaning against the tree the way he had the day before. No one had any right looking that good doing something so mundane, and the thought made something move in your stomach. You looked away from him before you could let the thought linger.“In stance”They were quicker than yesterday, getting into fighting stances that wouldn't bring absolute shame on your bloodline, though would absolutely get them killed nonetheless. They were closer though, almost damn near perfect, so you smiled soft at their efforts, moving forward to correct them gently.“Permission?” You said once, watching them all nod in unison before correcting their forms with your hands.“Arms a little higher Furlan, perfect. Isabel, shoulder width apart. Does that look shoulder width apart to you?”You walked across them slowly, smiling in delight once they were all in formation before walking back to the front.“There will be no warnings this time, we go straight into punishment. Anyone have a problem with that?” You said, smile wicked as they all panicked.You heard Isabel whisper about being ‘as bad as Shadis,’ making you laugh wickedly before motioning them to drop their stances. You could've sworn Levi flashed a smile from where he stood against the tree, but it was gone when you looked over, a figment of your imagination.“Back into your stances”You smiled softly at their efforts, so disgustingly close and yet off by mere millimeters. A kinder woman would let them have it, would have let them relax and enjoy the sun and tell jokes. But you were not a kinder woman. Their lives were on the line, and even if in that moment they didn't know it, they would be fighting warriors tougher, stronger and less merciful than yourself.“Drop and give me 15”Isabel opened her mouth to squak a complaint, but your glare had her dropping, closing her mouth shut with a click and doing push ups like you asked.You waited for them to finish, refusing to look over at Levi despite the way your eyes craved to. You needed to get this in check, there were more important matters at hand.They came up panting, arms shaking less than yesterday, and you took that as a small win. Exhausted but motivated, they got back into stance, waiting for your guidance. It was their lack of grumbling, the way they looked at you for help, so similar to what you had looked like all those years ago that had your heart softening. Your mouth opened before your mind could stop it, saying what you had always yearned to hear when you were in their spots.“You guys are doing well, you are so close.”Their eyes shined back brighter, small smiles forming behind hands that raised a little higher than before. Something in your heart shifted, moving along the cold stone and clicking into place. You would be better than where you came from, had to be to deserve everything it had taken for you to get here.You walked beside them, minutely correcting, shifting muscles slightly to the left, feet a little bit to the right. It took less time, and less energy for them, but success lied in the technicalities, and you refused to let them fail.You let them stand in form for an extra 10 seconds, letting their bodies adjust and get used to how it would feel, where they needed to be, before nodding at the to drop it. They did it with some hesitance, clearly trying hard to remember their spots. It was endearing, and the fondness that bloomed made you clench your teeth.“Okay pick them up”It could've been the motivation, could've been the time you let them rest in form, could've been a million and one of the techniques you had used, but when they got back into form, they were perfect.You let them stand there in silence, looking for even a wrong quiver of a muscle, but none came. The smile that grew on your face was undeniable, and at the sight of it, one grew on each of their faces in reply.“Good. Really good. Now do that again, until you can get into perfect form 10 times in a row. Any mistake and you give me 15, then start from the beginning, understood?”Their smiles dropped so quickly it was comedic, but you didnt let it show, only boring your eyes into theirs before they looked back at you with determination. They were still leaps and bounds away from where they needed to be, but once they had this, there was a foundation, there was trust in the body and mind, and it would only be smooth sailing from here.Hopefully.By the time the breeze blew against your heated skin, damp on the long sleeve that stuck to your wrists, none of them had managed to get passed 6. You itched to take it off, to cool your overheated skin, but you did no such thing, watching them sulk on the floor instead.Furlan had been the closest, having already been the most knowledgeable in technique prior to your help, but even he laid on the floor in anguish, staring at the night sky by the end of it all. Isabel laid with him, panting and clinging onto your brother's shirt, the man himself looking half dead beside her. The dramatics.“Alright you sack of bones, come on, bedtime” You said sarcastically, shaking them from their reverie.“Commander carry me” Isabel whined, hands grabbing up at you and nearly toppling you over.Had you had any less training, you would've likely eaten shit on the ground next to her. Your heart panged at the offer, and you looked over to your brother, who nodded once and picked himself up slowly. He didn't need the assistance then. Something told you that he did it only so that you could carry Isabel, but you didn't call him out on it, only rolling your eyes at the girl and helping her up.“Fine but if you fall asleep on me i'm dropping you.”She cheered in delight, picking herself up with energy that had apparently vanished all but 3 seconds ago, but you only huffed once in a laugh, hiding the rest of the emotions that sprung up, and picked her up on your back.Levi was beside you a heartbeat later, kicking Furlan lightly to make him wake up. The sight made you want to smile, but you looked away before it could, following your brother back into the building. Your feet ached slightly from standing, body a jigsaw of bruises thanks to the straps of the gear, but your mind was alive with fervor, the thought of rest making your stomach shift in queasiness. You will get over it one day. One day.You walked Isabel to her bed, the girl's soft snores having entered your ear long before you walked the way here, but the thought of dropping her was far from your mind, replaced by something soft and sweet that made your teeth ache.Laying her down gently, you threw the blanket over her, not the least bit surprised to look up and find Levi watching you, the room too dark to make out whatever look lingered in his eyes. It didn't matter anyway, since the night now beckoned to you both, sleep a distant friend that would be met later.You walked off on silent steps, Furlan and your brother having long since met rests embrace. Levi's steps were soundless behind you, but ever since you've experienced his presence, you’ve found that there was no way to ignore it at your side.Like phantoms, you both ascended the steps, the hallways blessedly empty and quiet, as they always were at this hour. It was strange, the way the rest of the world slept while you two lingered awake, such opposites and yet so intangibly intertwined.It was his turn for a truth, and every step filled your stomach with anxiety, the only solace being the night air that would soon meet your hungry lungs.You opened the door silently, not bothering to hold it open for him before entering, hoping to get this over with as soon as possible. His reflexes were fast anyways, catching the door before it shut and entering behind you. You didnt turn around to look at him, not just yet, when the world had finally released the weight off your shoulders, and the stars twinkled above you in welcome. The ledge greeted your hands effortlessly, and you kept your hands steady as they lifted you up, closer to the never ending sky.The moon was a crescent tonight, keeping the world darker than it had the nights before, but the stars made up for it, shining against all odds into your weary soul. You didn't know how long you sat there, staring at the stars with your heart on your hands, but Levi's presence became undeniable, an itch that you couldn't scratch, and you finally turned your eyes to look at him.They were already on you, as they always seemed to be, and the storm brewing there was one you did not understand, did not wish to even start to pick apart, so you stared back harder, signaling him to continue your dangerous game.Yesterday you had been in control, able to decide the question and the answer, but now that it was in his hands, your palms became clammy, anxiety eating up your body the more you waited. He could ask anything, could demand any piece of your soul, but would he be willing to give up his own in turn. It was that solace that kept you from snapping at him, from lying and hiding and running far away from here.“Did you save Isabel and Furlan that day?”His question made the anxiety dissipate from your body, the anticipation finally making way for clarity. You felt your stomach settle, confusion mixing along with your curiousity. Something like gratitude rose in your chest but you snuffed it down before it could grow. He wasn't asking that for your sake, he likely didn't want to reveal his own secrets, probably didnt even know the right questions to ask. Even if he did seem smart and calculated. You settled back into the stone, not having realised that your body had tensed from the wait, and let your gaze linger on his face.“Yes”Something shifted in his eyes, whether at the confirmation or your genuine honesty, you didn't know. If it had been a test to decide if you were honest, he had his answer, and the thought settled you further into your spot.Your own question fell from your mouth soon after, one that you hoped was equal enough to warrant an answer. They had been alone that day, and by the way Levi stuck to their sides, he should've been there. You didn't doubt he would have handled the titan, likely would've killed you and your brother too if he saw you as a threat. He should've been there and yet…“Why were you not with them that day?”His jaw clenched hard, eyes solidifying behind the mask he wore, and you bit your tongue, waiting for him to speak. You could’ve sworn guilt rippled in his eyes before it was washed away completely, leaving you wondering if it was ever there.You didn't know if you would be able to tell if he was lying, didn't know why he would even bother with this if he was, but the question still sat in between you two untouched, waiting to be answered.“I was planning someone’s murder”His reply brought your eyebrows up to your face, the only part of yourself that you would allow to show the shock that rippled through your body. It was the last thing you could have assumed, and yet he had said it, harsh and unabashed.Your eyes flicked across his pupils, his jaw, hands and body. Not a single twitch, not a single tell of whether or not he could be lying, but something inside you knew with certainty that he was telling the truth. Levi was brash, unapologetically himself despite what others thought, he wasn't the type to lie for the hell of it.He was turning and leaving before your mind could unfreeze itself, before your tongue could even think of asking for more information. Prying was prohibited, so you watched his spot long after he had vacated it, moving back to look at the stars an eternity later.
planning someone’s murder
It seemed you both had world altering secrets. The thought was more a comfort than you wanted it to be. Hours later, when you had gotten your fill of the stars and your body screamed for rest, you fell into bed, Levi's body a dark splotch in a shifting room, your last sight before you finally welcomed sleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It seemed that once Shadis had deemed you all acceptable enough with the gear, he moved on to tactical training, preparing you all for exactly how you would defeat the titans that lingered beyond the walls.The morning had been uneventful, a routine merging together to blend the waking hours into monotony, though this time, instead of leading you to the courtyard, Shadis led you to a far room to the left of the castle. Laden with desks and chairs, he had told you to take a seat and then promptly left, forcing you all to shift in your seats restlessly until a new face entered the room.“Good morning trainees! I am Hange Zoe, I will be leading your lesson today on everything titan!”An enthusiastic woman no older than yourself barged in, greetings spilling like litanies from her lips as she cruised to the front of the room. Her smile was wide on her face, and clearly she was fond of the topic, since an excited flush engulfed her cheeks, making her eyes sparkle against the light.You had opted for a seat at the back, closest to the only window the room offered. The sun shined in your direction, casting shadows against your fingers as they drummed against the notebook in front of you. Your brother listened in rapt attention while Hange began, voice rising in pitch with each quick sentence.“As military personnel, you will only be aiming for one spot and one spot only! The nape! We have yet to prove why this spot in particular kills the titans, and I personally run tests in my free time, but results so far are inconclusive!”She beamed, hands moving to unfurl a whiteboard behind her. She began writing in quick, sloppy lettering, her excitement clearly getting the better of her as she rambled.You had never met someone who seemed so…fond of the titans that fed on humans. It made sense in theory, to yearn to know more about the biggest threat their people faced on the island, but Hange seemed to be studying them in earnest, unabashed curiosity mixing with a sort of soft spot for the beasts.It was interesting how close that sympathy brought her to the truth.“If anyone, however, would like to find me after to discuss my findings, I would not be opposed!” she winked happily, turning to smile at the group before moving back to the whiteboard to finish her drawing of a titan in nerve fraying detail. She marked a big X across the nape, distorting the face of the titan.The kids in front of her were shuffling uneasily, clearly off-put by someone speaking so happily about the very monsters that they were training to fight, but you found Hange endearing, weird for sure and probably shouldn't be left unsupervised, but endearing all the same.“You must go 3 inches deep, and 7 inches wide to really get em, or they will heal and come back for seconds”The class cringed lightly, the risk of screwing up imbuing itself deep into your minds. You had dealt with this before, had luckily dug deep enough into that abnormal titan to not have had to deal with an even worse aftermath. You refused to let your mind wander at what would've happened had you not.Hange continued speaking, explaining the anatomical features of titans and their respective differences. Sizes, hair colours, body fat to muscle ratio, weight of their detached limbs. Your brother sat enraptured beside you, hand clutched tight around a pencil that rarely ceased scribbling. You looked down at your own empty paper, skimming the bare lines begging for ink before looking back to the front.You knew a lot of this already, and any gaps you could have guessed thanks to knowing the true identity of the titans. It was ironic to know that they thought they were saving humanity by slaughtering more of it, though there was no humour behind the thought.You felt yourself lose focus, eyes latching on to the window outside. Ofcourse each titan was different, that had been a person once. With hopes and dreams and maybe people that had loved them. Definitely people that had hated them. All of them had been caught. None had won against Marley. Your parents' faces flashed in your mind's eye, making your hands twitch against the desk. Had you told someone sooner, they would have been on their beloved island long before your own feet touched its shores.They would have been left to roam in eternal hell, distraught and hungry for the same people they yearned to save. Would they have hurt Isabel? Furlan? Levi? The thought made your stomach hurt, and you focused on the swaying of the grass beneath the window, longing for a breath of that air.You felt the urge to speak to Hange after, to learn what they knew about the titans, but you shoved it down, knowing that none of the information they had was good enough anyway. They had no idea what they were up against, and frankly you don't even know what they would do if they did.Your eyes caught on a stray leaf descending from a tree, twirling in the air before moving past the window and disappearing beyond your line of sight.You yearned to go and get your ODM gear from the shed, to experience that dizzying high of being weightless again. For a split second, nothing else had mattered but the next move, the next click of the trigger and the next puff of air. It had been freeing for your cramped mind, a mild distraction from the unending cycle of thoughts.But that wasn't your only reprieve from them. Your mind moved unbiddingly to the night sky, to a dark silhouette, a stern face and storm grey eyes.That had also become a reprieve, a lever letting out the steam of lies bottled up inside you every night before they exploded, replacing it with the truths of another.The scribbling of pencils wore on you with each shuffle, and you felt a headache coming on from the incessant noise mixing with your thoughts.Your leg shook lightly beneath the table, trying and failing to release the anxiety that begged to bring you under. At the flash of a brunette behind your eyes, pale and sad, you got up, the chair squealing beneath you. The sound too similar to a lifetime ago. You made sure your face revealed nothing as Hange stuttered to a stop, multiple eyes finding you at the interruption.“Sorry, bathroom” You muttered, cringing internally at the attention before walking off and out the door.You hadn’t bothered waiting for confirmation, needing to be out of the suffocating room before it ate you alive.Once you were outside, you breathed in the summer breeze, the smell of dirt and honeysuckle filling the empty fragments of your body. You turned to eye the door, wondering if it was best to return but opted against it. Nothing Hange was saying was new and sitting in a classroom taking notes didn’t necessarily make you a better soldier.You let your feet carry you back to the sleeping quarters, a shower beckoning your sore muscles when the sound of cursing stopped you just outside the door. You sidestepped moving soldiers chatting amongst each other in the hall, letting your ear lean against the door to hear more. Another curse sounded through its cracked wood.
It sounded…like Levi.You opened the door softly, not immediately finding him but registering instead the sound of running water.You walked further into the room, scanning your eyes to find the aggravated soldier and stopping when you found him hunched over the sink, hand moving furiously against what looked to be a piece of his uniform. He was in a tshirt, muscles on full display as they flexed harshly against the offending cotton, before releasing another curse.You froze at the sight, watching him mercilessly scrubbing at what looked to be a clean shirt. He looked angry, frustrated, but he also looked…vulnerable? A little broken. Maybe that was why you moved, but before you registered it, you were stepping forward, hand aiming for his shoulder.He froze before you could make contact, finally registering your presence, much later than the typical Levi would.He turned, jaw already clenched and eyebrows pinched. You dropped your hand, hiding your own concerned face deep into your soul.“What do you want?”His tone was clipped, defensive and his hands shook slightly at his sides, likely from the exertion of his cleaning. His eyes were stormy, and it was the most shaken you had ever seen him. The sight made something in your chest ache, and you pushed it down. You scoured your mind, trying to find the right thing to say before you remembered who it was that stood before you. This was still Levi, disheveled and angry, but still Levi.Levi was like you, and the last thing you would want is questions or pity, so you opted for the next best thing. Annoying him back to normal.“A shower, you better not have used up all the hot water”His tense shoulders dropped a fraction, a barely there sort of movement that made the ache lessen in your chest. He still looked unlike himself, but his jaw finally unclenched, the vulnerability of the moment dissipating into nothing.He clicked his tongue in annoyance, grabbing the wet shirt and ringing it out in his hands.“Finally learned how to use a shower?” He said, hands moving quickly beneath him, and the dig made your mouth twitch in amusement before you shoved it down.“I did, once I’m done maybe I can teach you too”You replied, relishing in the uptick of his lips before he rolled his eyes, folding the shirt before glaring at you.“Brat” He muttered, walking past you and out the door before you could reply.The silence of the room lingered after him, making you realise that the heaviness of your own thoughts had finally dissipated, leaving you clear and light.You turned your head to look at the closed door, taking a deep breath before hopping into the shower. You had to get back to class after all. For some reason the thought wasn’t as dreadful as it had previously been.You finished quickly, ignoring the scars on your arms and redressing before walking back to the class silently. Maybe there was some deity that had finally taken pity on you, because Hange’s back was to the door when you walked in, removing any unwanted attention that could’ve been brought your direction.Your brother's eyes flicked to yours once you sat down, concern lining his features. You smiled softly in response, shaking your head to dissipate his worry before turning back to the lesson. Hange was discussing titan varieties, abnormal vs pure titans, but your mind was still back at the sleeping quarters, where a pair of grey eyes looked back.A clap shot your face back to the front, signaling the end of the lesson for the day. Hange had lost no enthusiasm in the time the sun had moved across the sky, and you got up gingerly from the chair, pins and needles racing down your legs. Your brother closed his book beside you, ink blotting out nearly all of the white before he stood as well, stretching his arms above his head.“Alrighty class! That was so fun wasn’t it! Next time we will discuss mating theories and the digestive system of these babies!” She said happily, arms flailing out despite the groaning of a couple brave kids.You looked away before you could lock eyes with her, and walked out the dorm with your brother at your side, aiming for the lunchroom like always. Your own stomach growled in anticipation, and you let your brother rant about the lesson during the walk, clearly buzzing at the new information.“-and did you know that they still hold some similar characteristics? Like hair and dexterity!”He said brightly, connecting the dots from the Eldian history books to the conclusions made by the people within the walls. You nodded along, a small smile gracing your features before the door opened, making you look away and aim for the lunch line.You didn't bother looking for Isabel's signal, the table now being an ingrained part of your daily schedule and you refused to dwell on how nice it felt to belong. They wouldn't sit with you if they knew the truth. Savour it while you have it. You bit your cheek at the thought, smile dropping away as you took a seat at the table. Conversation immediately engulfed you, nipping the thoughts at the bud. You ignored the way it soothed you, focusing instead on narrowing down the act of eating to a science that would not bow to the nausea. You counted the number of bites, swallowing too quickly to allow any flavour to break through the fog.“Levi wouldn't let us tag along with him today, so I can't wait to train!”Isabel continued, recounting a very boring and uneventful morning. Memories of hands scrubbed raw and defensive eyes had you looking up from the plate, to find the source of the very thoughts.Levi was already looking back at you, eyes piercing and hand clenched tight around the lip of his mug. They left yours for a split second, looking down at your plate before returning, something shifting in his gaze. The tea smelled delicious. You looked away the second your eyes met once more, feeling his stare bore into the side of your face.“Me too! I really think I got it today” Furlan said, not as cheerful as Isabel, but smiling wide all the same. Your brother was nodding along like he wasn't eating shit yesterday alongside them, and the sight made you smirk wide, cocky and challenging.“Maybe I should stop going easy on you guys since you're feeling so confident”Immediately all of them sweatdropped, Isabel's smile fading into anguish and a small laugh huffed out of your mouth, moving fireflies to the darkest parts of you. You ignored the flash of a smile from Levi in the corner of your eye, and watched them all cringe instead, confidence popped like a balloon. Your chest swelled up in joy, and you tried to hide the remnants of a smile on your face, but it refused to budge.You felt light, happy without the fear that usually came along with it. You didn't question when it would be destroyed, when it would be battered down by bloody fists and tears of pain. Your brother had dropped his face into the soup, feigning tears, and you laughed a little harder, moving your half eaten plate over to him. The happiness that inflated in your chest had pushed down the nausea, but it still lingered in the back of your mind, churning your stomach like the waves of the sea.At Furlan's request, your brother began a brief summary of the lesson with Hange, and you got up quietly, putting away your plate and getting some tea. It was warm out, still bright with summer in Paradis, but the tea quieted your upset stomach, warming the chill of memories in your head. It was bitter, strong and lingering, even after leaving your mouth. It kind of reminded you of Levi.You returned quickly, finishing the tea as they ate before your patience finally ran out. It did not take long.“Alright, come on slackers, time to show me those skills you were talking about”Isabel hopped up quickly, moving to the front of the pack, followed eagerly by your brother and Furlan. You repressed a smile, moving behind them and walking outside with Levi at your side. His scent encompassed you as you both walked, clean with something deep, something that made you want to move closer. You pushed yourself away instead, opting to pretend he did not exist. The field did not come quick enough.“Permission? Good, You know what to do”Your brother, Isabel and Furlan were already in front of you, determination lining their faces. Levi was back to his tree, which was better since he was now partly out of sight, and with luck, fully out of mind.They got into battle stances, perfect from the start, and you hummed once approvingly, arms crossed in front you against the persistent glare of the setting sun. You squinted your eyes, walking around them before making them repeat it. Again, and again.With every success, your smile widened, eyes sparking in orange and yellow hues. Sure it had taken them 3 days to learn how to stand properly but a win was a win, and you weren't keeping track anyways. At 9, their smiles broke out across their faces, happy jitters rising in them.“Dont you dare lose focus, or im making you all do laps until you pass out”Isabel mumbled something that sounded like ‘not again’ before schooling her expression. They all looked focused, dedicated and strong. It made your heart thump loudly. You pushed your hair behind your ear, the heat of the sunshine making sweat bead across your skin. The long sleeve was itchy, begging to be ripped off but you ignored it, eyeing them once more before nodding.
Your answering smile was award winning.They all stayed perfectly in stance despite your smile, pride radiating off of their skin. You circled them once, then twice just to be sure before nodding once more, flushed skin long forgotten.“Im proud of you all, good job”Isabel broke formation, jumping for joy and tackling your brother with an audible oomph. He went down laughing, feet falling beneath them before Furlan joined, making them both groan.It brought a smile to your face, and you watched them silently, feeling another pair of eyes on you from the trees. You relented, flicking your hair off your neck and looked at Levi. His eyes were searching yours, looking into every corner before looking away, and there was a softness to his face when he looked at the 3 idiots on the ground.You wondered if his skin was as soft as his gaze, looking to the people that had wedged their way into your battered heart, who were unknowingly building it back together piece by piece. You hoped it wouldn't hurt as bad when it was shattered again. Looking away before he could look back at you once more, you cleared your throat, cutting off their screams and motioning them back up.“Now I want to train you to keep that stance. As you walk, as you speak, as you live, I want that to be ingrained and unshakeable. I'm going to walk up to each of you, ask you questions, and you are to walk with me and speak without breaking stance.”You looked into each of their eyes, watching them pale slightly and shift amongst themselves. You had never thought of yourself as a sadist before, but their expressions were positively delightful, and you smirked wide in response, likely making them more scared. Training was incredibly fun.“I think we all know what will happen if you fail, so stay focused yeah?”They nodded back nervously, getting back into stance flawlessly. You dropped your smirk, wanting their complete determination before you started. You opted to begin with Furlan, technically the strongest, though likely the quickest to fold under pressure. You needed that fear obliterated if he was going to survive.He swallowed audibly at the attention, and you walked towards him, all confidence and long strides. He shifted slightly on his feet, but made no movements otherwise. You frowned slightly, moving forwards more, and still he did not move.“Step back Furlan”His hands shook slightly, feet cemented in place beneath him as his eyes wandered past your face. He had looked the same back then, in front of a bigger beast, with much higher stakes than this. You remembered the same reaction a long time ago, in another life.
You were coming home from a long day, muscles aching and voice hoarse from breathing in the dust of the training ring. You needed a bath, a glass of water, something, anything. Tears stung the back of your eyes, though you never let them fall, not when you were this close to the front door, to a worse danger than what you had left.
Your hand closed around the knob, senses igniting at the noise that surrounded your ears.
“- Good for nothing piece of shit, you are useless, I wish I never had you!”
You closed the door quickly behind you, eyes latching on the scene in front of you. Your brother, so small and frail, was standing in front of your father, eyes wide and scared. Your fathers face was a mere couple of centimeters in front of his, nearly nose to nose and enraged. Fury rolled off of him in waves, clogging your very pores as the stench of alcohol filled the air. Tears tracked lined your brother's face, and he stood motionless, taking every spoon fed word and swallowing it down.
You ran in front of him, arms wide and sheltering, moving your fathers anger to your own face. The stench was sickening, mind numbing, but you moved your hand behind you, trying to get your brother to move. Despite your prodding, his feet were latched to the floor, drilled into its very foundations. You didnt even get the chance to close his eyes before the punch landed, knocking the air from your lungs.
Tears were still tracking his face, and he was shaking, but your father was already aiming another to your face, and his frozen body lingered in your mind while pain clutched your throat and dragged you under. Again. Again.
Hours, maybe days later, your father walked away, cursing at the blood on his hands as he slumped up the stairs, leaning against the walls for support. You probably looked bloody, disgusting and defeated, but you took deep breaths, gritting your teeth against the pain and standing up slowly. Your brother was standing in the same place, eyes vacated and terrified, still stuck to where he had been before. You kneeled down in front of him, trying to push past the agony roaring through your body.
“Hey, come back to me.”
You murmured, soft bruised hands trekking through hair. Better you than him. You moved your hands up and down his shaking arms, pulling him slowly back from the sea of fear that he had retreated to.
“Breathe deep with me now, its okay”
His breaths, which had been shallow and frail, slowly rose up, deepening with each inhale.
“Good, good now name five things you can see. I believe in you, come on” you murmured, soft and slow, and maybe for your sake as much as his.
His small eyes flitted like a humming bee across the room, never landing on one thing for long enough to truly see it. You squeezed his small hands in yours, trying to bring feeling back into his brain. His eyes finally latched onto yours, and they widened slightly, staying and lingering.
“your…your eyes. Your h-hair.”
You smiled softly despite the ache it made ripple through your face, a headache pulsing violently behind your temple.
“Good, anything else?”
He breathed deep once more, stuttering through it before letting it out. His eyes scoured around the room, no longer distant and fleeting, but something about it looked like it hurt, so he settled back onto you, not bothering to look around again.
“Your uniform, your badge and your smile”
His speech was clearer, finally back to the shores of reality, and you smiled wider, making his eyes lighten. Good. As long as you two were together, everything would be okay.
You squeezed his hands again, waiting for him to squeeze back softly before getting up fully, turning your face away so he didn't see the wince of pain. You walked upstairs together, telling stories as you looked outside to a bright sea of stars.
A wisp of air brought you back from your memories, watching Furlan once more before starting to whisper softly, bringing him back to earth.“Breathe Furlan.”His breaths stuttered out of him slowly, weakly, but his eyes finally found yours, trying to listen to the order despite his body working against him. He was trying, that was all that mattered.“Good. You are strong, you are capable, you can do this.”Every affirmation made his shaking recede slowly, eyes boring into yours and finding their way back to land. You softened out your features, trying to provide comfort despite never having done so for someone other than your brother. Your limited experience would have to be enough.“Name 5 things you can see without breaking your stance.”You watched his eyes flit around, landing on the trees, the sky, the birds and the open air. A sea of possibilities. He only had to pick 5.“The sky, a bird, the grass, the ground, you.“Good. Now walk backwards and say that again.”You walked forwards once more, trusting him to listen and smiled wide when he walked backwards, limbs awkward and shifty, but following the order nonetheless.“The…The sky, A uh Bird, Th-”“Oi, eyes up here Furlan, you're not fighting the ants”His eyes quickly flew up from the ground, embarrassment painting his cheeks pink, but there was an easy smile on his, concentrated and determined, so you pushed on, walking him backwards again. He finished in broken speech, muscles too tense for any fighting to genuinely begin, but he had made himself move, had brought himself back from the fear, and that was a success all by itself.You nodded once, spinning on your heel and walking back to the others, but your eyes turned to Furlan, walking back to his spot.“Good, your form was too stiff while you were walking, and it definitely needs some work, but making yourself move despite fear is incredibly brave, so instead of 30 push ups, you only have to do 15”He didn't even groan, dropping instead to the floor silently with a small smile on his face. You finally registered the others, and found your brother and Isabel gaping at you from their spots. You resisted the urge to shift in your spot at the attention and instead spoke, trying to dissipate the air.“Back into your stances, did I tell you to drop them?”Immediately, the softness in your voice was gone and you crossed your arms, watching them quickly get back into stance. You walked up to Isabel, her face shifting into determination with each step. Once you were close, she looked up, batting her eyelashes at you.“Do I get compliments like Furlan did?”You smirk down at her in amusement, before stepping closer, making her step back.“No”She went to whine out, hands nearly dropping before you raised your eyebrow, making her close her mouth with an audible click. Good.They all failed by the time the sun went down, sacrificing their posture as their focus was pushed elsewhere. Furlan still struggled through the pressure, but each attempt was faster, even if only a bit.It was dark, and they were laid down on the floor staring up, as customary now since the little shits had gotten used to getting carried to bed. When had you become a mule as well as a teacher?You huffed a laugh under your breath, tilting your head up and looking at the stars with them from where you stood. It was a brisker night, chilling the sweat on your skin and leaving goosebumps rising in their wake. You lifted your hair in your palm, moving it off your neck. You would braid it tomorrow, especially since you were back to ODM training. Similar to Marley, the days fluctuated in training, keeping both the mind and body fresh while they worked.Crickets hummed in the undergrowth, and you pushed your mind away from Marley, from the dreaded weight the knowledge put on your back and looked down at the only people you cared for. Levi had moved from the tree, kicking lightly at Furlan to wake him, while Isabel and your brother prodded at eachother with tired hands.Like a magnet, your gaze brought Levi's up, and you let your eyes linger. He looked radiant under the moonlight, like a wraith or an angel. You couldn't tell which you preferred. The moon refracted off of his grey eyes, making them glow and shine into the hole in your chest. Looking at him made your entire body still, your mind vacant and your eyes focused. Everything felt so intense and yet so muted.Isabel groaned, and it broke the spell, pushing your eyes from his and down at the girl that had moved to sit up, squinting at you with pleading eyes. You pushed Levi from your mind and kneeled beside her, poking her head before motioning her to get on your back. Your brother was already dusting himself off in your periphery, turning his head to watch you two with fondness and waiting silently for everyone to get up.You all walked back quietly to the room, likely from the sheer exhaustion of the training, and you didn't hesitate to walk to the showers once Isabel was tucked in. The water was a balm to your mind, propelling your energy forward and drawing you outside. Sleep beckoned in the back of your mind and you ignored the memories it brought, changing quickly and moving to the door on silent steps.You eyed Levi's bed, finding it empty and guessing that he was already on the roof, awaiting your arrival. Something in your stomach swelled at the thought, but you beat it back mentally, hating yourself for letting emotions fester where they would soon be burned. It did little to drive the feeling away completely.You walked on silent steps to the place that beckoned, finding yourself at the door sooner than you wanted. You took a second to calm your breathing, turning it slowly in anticipation and opening yourself to the universe at your fingertips. The sight of the sky felt like freedom.Levi's broad back was to the door, forearms leaning against the brick to watch the sky. He tensed at the sound of your steps, turning his head slightly to look at you. You looked away quickly, climbing up to the ledge to his left and looking up at the sky. He was now a step away, making it far easier for him to throw you off if he so yearned, but the fear of that no longer lingered in your chest, and you couldn't tell if that was foolish or brave. Maybe both, maybe neither.It was your turn for the question, and you already knew what you planned on asking, especially after the information he had revealed yesterday, but you let yourself breathe in the night air first. You looked across the Paradis sky, to the moon that opened its arms a little wider today, and to the north star that sat beside her. Her sister star twinkled in your eye, and Levi untensed slowly in your periphery, turning his eyes from you back to the sky.You found Ursa Minor first, the baby bear in a jungle of stars. Ursa Major was likely only a bit away, mama bear never straying too far from the cub, but you looked down at Levi before finding her, allowing the veil of the night to remove any of the fears of the day.His eyes found yours once more, and you let yourself look, moving every feeling to the back of your mind. You didn’t bother to ease into it, neither of you really doing so prior anyway. It was like a business exchange, and you yearned to get it over with, because the way he made you feel was something you were not willing to let fester.“Whose murder were you planning?”His eyes widened slightly before he huffed a breath, moving his gaze back to the sky.“Commander Erwin”The…the leader of the scouts? His own commander? You felt your eyebrows raise, shock rising through you once more, and you were too late to hold your tongue before it moved.“Why?”His gaze returned, and you felt something inside you settle. It made you want to scream. He raised an eyebrow, completely disregarding the question and moving on to his own.Your own rule was biting you in the ass, and you realized that he was doing the same thing as you, feeding you small teaspoons of information to prolong whatever this was. He likely wanted to find out whatever secret you harboured before all of his own secrets had seen the light of day. You looked away from him, he had no idea who he was dealing with.“Why did you save them that day?”You let your eyes move across constellations in thought, letting the question echo through your mind. There was more to the question than just why save them. It was also a why risk yourself? Why bother with strangers? Do you regret it? He was looking for a reason good enough to warrant the risk it had taken.It reminded you of the way you had thought, a long time ago when you had wondered the same thing about your parents. Their answer had not been good enough. You wondered if yours would be either.It hadn't taken much for your brother to move you into action when the time had come, because your own heart had been beckoning you to help. To save. To bring some goodness into a cruel world. You were the only one that could have saved them at that moment.You hugged your knees to your chest, bringing warmth to the empty crevice where the secret had once been. You felt raw, seen. You brought the answer from your soul, from the heart that you had learned to hide so thoroughly because of all the scars that deformed its walls.“It would kill me for the rest of my life if I didn't”You let the answer settle into the air, the truth of it bringing you peace. You were still a monster, still had a beast living under your skin and blood beneath your hands, but you had never yearned for it, had never wanted it. Even if that didn't count for much, you hoped it counted for something.You had made your peace with who you were, were not going to apologize for it, but acceptance didn't make the pill any easier to swallow.Levi's eyes drew yours in, and you listened, bringing your gazes together to see what lied there. He looked like he was analyzing you, building who you are piece by piece in his mind and deducing from there. For a split second, he looked open, his face softened from the glare and eyes silver against the dark. He didn't look like he was looking at a monster, and that thought made something spark harshly in your chest.He nodded once, breaking eye contact and moving towards the door quietly. This time his steps weren't rushed, and his hand lingered on the door a second longer before turning it and moving out of sight.Your eyes lingered on the door after he was gone, unable to decide whether you wanted him to return or not. You opted on the latter before returning your eyes to the sky, finally finding Ursa Major. The great beast twinkled down at another beast, smaller, in a woman's skin, watching over you before you too retreated downstairs, to a bed and a quiet sleep
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
You woke with a yawn on your lips, the room painted in bright light from the rising sun. You shook the exhaustion from your limbs, eyes peeling to the right in search of a soldier that was not there.Getting up slowly, you walked to the showers, steps light and silent on the icy floor. The morning air brought goosebumps to your skin, making the scars on your arms itch. Water like lava scalded the morning thoughts from your head, clearing any remnants of dreams that might’ve plagued your sleep.With quick hands, you braided your hair back, knowing it would likely come undone with training but still craving the heat off your neck. Steam wafted against the chilled room, foretelling your presence to the still sleeping trainees.Your brother was still asleep when you emerged, breathing deep into the cold air. It was always colder in the morning than it was at night, the chill resting on your damp skin like a second layer you couldnt shake off.Shadis would be around soon, and you hoped the training would remove the lingering cold from your bones.Like the thought brought the man to reality, the door slammed open, and you grit your teeth at the flinch in your hands.No matter where you were, all slamming doors sounded the same.Your brother was ready within minutes, along with all the others that were in your squad. The oldest boy moved his eyes over at you, frowning once at your ready form before looking away again. You ignored the look, moving to the door with your brother at your side.Shadis was already by the shed when you finally reached the grounds, arms crossed as though he had been waiting much longer than he actually was.The summer air was stifling once you breached the door, heat stagnant and heavy within its wooden confines. You grabbed you and your brother's gear, handing it to him once outside and putting it on.This is what you were yearning for, the wind whirring through your hair, the ground miles beneath your feet, leaving your thoughts there with them. Nothing could weigh you down when you were weightless.Once everyone was in gear and at attention, Shadis began speaking.“First things first, i'm going to explain to you each part of the gear, then you lousy good for nothing shits are going to try to follow my instruction, is that understood?”You nodded once, trying not to roll your eyes at the mans eloquent speech. Truly inspiring the hearts of many.“Each handle sets off a hook within its respective slot, and the lever on the front of the handles makes gas push out the back, propelling you off the ground. Now if you only press the right lever, it will move the gas nozzle to the left, pushing your body to the right. Same thing with the other side.”You nodded once, though the confused grumble at your back made you feel as though you were alone in the fact. It reminded you of the system in a car, the ones that Marleyans loved to show off in the streets outside the interim zone. It was different here though, with only horses being the mode of transportation.You bit your cheek, watching Shadis scrunch his face in annoyance before repeating himself once more, slower and with feigned patience.“Let me try that again for you wall lickers. Press the right lever, you go right, press left lever and you go left. Did that permeate your pea sized brains?”You bit down the urge to laugh, your mouth ticking up slightly before being wrestled back down. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all.He explained some further maneuvers, warning the group not to attempt spinning or turning since we could tangle the wires. Your fingers twitched against the trigger, patience wearing more and more thin with each aggravatingly obvious warning.Finally, after nodding along despite not really paying any further attention, he led you off to trees. Fear curdled your gut and you made yourself breathe deep as each step brought you closer.The rustling leaves made your pulse spike, but you ignored it, tightening your hold on the handles. You would be up in the air soon, away from the endless darkness of the wood.Once you were shadowed by trunks, standing in front of Shadis, he nodded once, a silent order to lift yourselves up and find a branch.You didn't hesitate, anxiety already clawing its way up your throat, and within seconds, you were pulling the trigger and grasping the levers.Your body raced to the trunk, feet kicking hard against it before the air propelled you up, sending you flying up like a shooting star. Leaves whipped across your face, and absentmindedly, you sensed your hair come apart from the braid, but you were too dizzy on the euphoric high to care.Smirk wide and confident, you pulled the trigger once more, letting the wind whizz past your ear and gravity pull you down until you were crouched low on a tree branch. Shadis was already waiting at the bottom, eyes locked on yours down at the ground. There was no one beside him on the forest floor, all the others likely up in the branches near you.Your eyes scanned for your brothers, and found him trees away, smiling wide and locked on Shadis. You returned to attention, waiting for the next instruction.“I want you to pick a tree to your left and land on a branch there. Do not descend lower than your altitude or you will be grounded here with me.”His voice barked through the chirping of distant birds, speaking low against the shutter of the leaves. You felt wild, on fire, and listened to his order with no second thought.This was cathartic, an escape from your mind that didn’t require sleep, or honesty in dark hours. The thought brought a dark haired soldier to your mind as you flew through the air from tree to tree.You imagined what it would be like to do this under the stars, what it would be like to do this with Levi beside you.“Now do it once more, to the right.”Shadis's voice broke through your mind, making you curse at yourself before following his instruction once more. You had no business imagining anything to do with Levi outside the allotted time you spent together.The thought did little to remove him from your mind, though you repeated it over and over with each maneuver.It was hours later, your body sore and aching with each step that you were reminded of the thought, reminded of the very man that lingered in your brain, when you entered the lunchroom to find them there waiting for you.Your brother ran over to the table, placing his plate down none too gently before you came to his side minutes later with your own meal. It was meager, and you had already given him half of your portions before you sat down, not needing Levi's eyes to dissect any further into the gaping wound in your chest.Conversation descended like a warm blanket on your shoulders, and you let it sit there as you quietly picked at the food on your plate.“We were whizzing through the trees so fast, left and right and up and down! It was so much fun!”Your brother was speaking excitedly beside you, sounding more and more like Isabel with each day that passed. The girl herself had stars in her eyes as she listened, eager to join in on the feeling.“Ugh I miss flying on the gear already, when we first found it, big bro Levi had to force it off me”Your ears perked at the sentence, hand pausing on the bread. Found it? You peeled your eyes off the plate to look up at Isabel, finding the girl still talking away, oblivious to the odd slip of the sentence. Like a beacon, your eyes flicked over to Levi and found him glaring at the girl sharply before looking away with a roll of his eyes. So it was true then. They had somehow found gear and used it, prior to getting it from a commander. Interesting.Their past was mismatched, so unlike what you assumed it would be. It made the deal between you and Levi all the more curious, confusing. His past was no more black and white than yours was and yet he was opening it up slowly for you, and you for him.Clearly, you both were idiots.The thought made your lips tick up, and you pushed them down, finishing the last bite despite the queasiness in your stomach. Even if there was anything in the food, you never ate enough of it to be affected anyway. The thought was not reassuring.“Maybe you guys can join us next time! Teach us some more moves!”You resisted the urge to roll your eyes at your brothers comment, though Furlan had no such qualms, leaning back with an incredulous look on his face. You found it even more funny when Isabel leaned further across the table, the joy in her features igniting like a fuse.“Thats such a great idea! I could teach you loads like how to-““Crash into a tree?”Levi finished, and a smile slashed across your face before you could repress it, bringing a laugh to your lips.It only grew when Isabel fell back, pouting angrily at Levi. Your brother laughed quietly at your side, and poor Furlan looked like he wanted to melt into the ground in between them. You felt Levis' eyes on you, and when you looked over, you could've sworn they sparkled before he looked away, looking deadpan at Isabel.Once the laugh had finally left your lips, you got up, chest lighter than it had been all day.“Alright time to train”Isabel, Furlan and your brother shot up, moving to run out of the room, with Levi being the only civilized human being and getting up at a normal pace. He walked alongside you, and it felt easier than it did the day before, more natural, and you couldn't tell if that was a good thing.You could feel the grasp slipping, the control loosening with these three strangers that were starting to wedge their way into your cracked heart. It made your palms sweat, your head churn with fear and shame. The night could not come any sooner.The summer air was not as stifling as it had been in the morning, before the wind had made a home in your soul. The long sleeve didn't scratch against your heated skin, though your muscles ached beneath its layers. You ignored it, as you always did, and began.“I want you all to practice moving with the form, as we did yesterday. You know what'll happen by now if you mess up, so don't.”Your smirk slashed across your face, and you revelled in the gulp it brought from the three in front of you. You waited until they got into stances and began with Furlan.You walked in front of him, watching him tense with each step, and began speaking before you could reach him.“5 things Furlan.”You didn't stop walking, didn't stop applying pressure and watched his eyes dart around before he clenched them shut and opened them again.“Grass, trees, dirt, sky, you”“Good. Move”He moved just before you could reach him, steps in time with yours and eyes determined. Nervousness still shook his hands, the stress of the situation still permeating his brain, but it did not crack him, you would not let it.“Good, very good.”You walked ten paces, moving him slightly right and left before backing up and making him follow. Not bad, not bad at all.His shoulders sagged once he was back in position, and you nodded your head once more at him, before starting with Isabel. The girl quickly corrected her form under your attention, making you roll your eyes before walking up to her.“Don't lower your hands Isabel, stay diligent”You continued with her until she had made it ten paces, backing yourself up in the same manner. They were better, much better than where they had been before. It made pride rise high in your chest, and you moved on to your brother quickly before they could see it.Once they had all done it perfectly three times, you nodded for a final time, motioning them to get back into formation.Levi was watching silently against the tree that had become his, now growing fruits from its branches. You didn't look over long enough to gauge what fruit had begun its budding growth into the world, though its cloying sweet scent hung through the air.It wasn’t nearly as distracting as the man that leaned underneath it.“Great job, now we are moving on to punching. Does anyone think they know how to punch?”This time, no one stepped forward to attempt, and it made your lips tick up, your punishments clearly a deterrent to the three delinquents in front of you.“Okay great, we will start with your right hand, since thats all of your dominant hands.”You got into form in front of them, preparing to visualize the moves for them.“I want you all to keep your hands and arms in line, moving it forward parallel to each other. This is so the opponent in front of you doesn't get the chance to see the punch coming before it lands. Make sure to not only use your arms, but the twist of your body to give you momentum. Understood?”You looked over, arm extended, to find them all gaping at you, your own brother looking like he was about to cry. You sighed to the sky, stepping out of form before motioning to all of them to try and do what you just did. It was a travesty.“What does it even matter if we punch ‘correctly’ as long as we hit em” Isabel said, whine loud in her voice as you fixed her punch for the second time.You huffed your own sigh, trying to reign in your patience. Their heads were not fully in it, and despite your corrections, they were lacking determination.You bit your cheek, stepping back from her and found your eyes gravitating to Levi, surprised to find them trained not on you but on Isabel. He looked frustrated, jaw set angrily and eyes pinched.You couldn’t tell if he was on the cusp of helping you or condemning Isabel, but your eyes flicked to the tree behind him, an idea emerging like a lightbulb above your head.Like the scent that had been hanging in the air, tempting your tastebuds, you set your shoulders, allowing your body to go right to the source of the temptation. If they wanted to know why it mattered, you would show them the reason.You moved to walk away, Isabel calling you back with clear regret in her tone, but you weren't listening, eyes set on the very tree Levi leaned against.His eyes widened at your advance, clearly not having expected it, but his eyes followed your gaze, finding the tree at his back. His eyes flicked between your form and the tree before a smirk found his own face, matching yours.He moved off with no hesitation, eyes locked on you. Something about his gaze made fire ignite inside you, made you feel so incredibly strong and you didn’t stop to think about it, halting hard in front of its thick trunk. You finally moved your eyes back to the stunned three a mere 15 paces away.“You want to know what difference it makes Isabel?”You got into stance, arms poised in front of you before breathing deep, eyes locked on the center of the trunk. You didn't let the time linger, whipping your arm out strong and fast.The trunk splintered and shook beneath your hand, tearing apart like butter at your fingers. You felt reverberations move across your body, and fire still burned beneath your skin, but it was an outlet that blew smoke out of your full tank.Fruit fell like rain around you, leaves and branches tumbling to the ground at your feet. The sweet smell surrounded you, filling your lungs and bringing down the rage that lived in the pits of your stomach.There was a distant ache in your hand, a barely there sort of pain, but when your eyes found Levis, bright and wild, found the three in shock behind him, the exhilaration that ripped through you made it all fade.There was a smile across your face, victory in your blood and you knew there would be no more questions for the rest of training.Isabel was hopping up and down in excitement, begging you to show her the form again. Furlan was still picking his jaw up off the ground, and your brother couldn't shake the pride in his eyes if he tried. You didn’t look at Levi, unsure whether or not you could handle whatever lingered in his stormy grey eyes.You ignored the way it warmed your face, the way a piece of your heart glued itself back into place, because those feelings were dangerous, even if they felt like healing.Noone spoke up again for the rest of training, even if they all had to do push ups till they dropped. They were back on the floor by the end of it, as per usual, and if you grabbed a piece of fruit for each of them as a reward, then it was no one's business but yours.The sun descended faster than you thought, making way for the stars that greeted your weary eyes with reverence.Before you knew it, Isabel was on your shoulder as you all walked back into the dorms, steps heavy from exhaustion. There was a lingering sweetness on your tongue from the fruit you had indulged in, the only thing you had truly let yourself feast on since you had arrived in Paradis. They could not poison the food that grew from the ground at least.You set her down softly, once more ignoring the pang her sleeping face brought to your chest, and moving to get up. She looked content, her cheeks flushed from the heat and unperturbed by sleep.She looked so young, her reddish, brown hair framing her face against the pillow, and unbidden, another brunette rose to your mind, her eyes sad and frail against her pale cheeks.Bile rose in your mouth, and you looked away quickly, not bothering to check where Levi was before you moved to the door. You could taste her blood on your throat, staining your veins with tar, reducing the joy you had felt to ashes. The sweetness on your tongue turned bitter, and you moved slowly, wincing at the soreness in your joints.You didn’t know if there would be a night where it got better, you didn’t know if you even had enough time for it to do so.Your body ached from the ODM training, muscles finally catching up with your deteriorating thoughts, and your hand was at the door in an instant, pushing yourself out of the dormroom.You moved on silent steps, cursing soundly in your head each time an uneven stone made pain race through your sore legs. Your heart pounded blood into your ears, and your breaths were the only thing you heard until the whirring of the wind took over the silence.Levi was still in the dorms, you had left him there to find his own way up whenever he felt like it. It was his turn today, and though the lack of control still made anxiety pang through you, it didn't carry the same weight as it had before.You swung the door open quietly, not caring at the slight squeak of the hinges, soft and yet so loud against the fragile silence. You stepped through the threshold, stopping to fill your lungs with the night air.Cold, bright, electric. It was everything and nothing, a whisper of winds that have always been, a ceaseless force of nature that would fly across the world only to come right back to you. Your thoughts flew from your mind, stilling the urge to vomit and calming the quivering of your hands.You fluttered your eyes open slowly, taking off the mask you wore during the day and letting it dry on the ledge, because only out here, alone while the rest of the world slept, could you truly be yourself.The stars bore no judgement, and the wind wouldn't tell your secrets, so you hopped on the ledge, tilting your head back and feasting your eyes on the lights from the heavens.It was incredible, how the more you looked, the more you saw. It always started as a couple twinkling lights, beacons in the pitch black sky, but then, almost imperceptibly, as your eyes relaxed and opened, more appeared.Like animals coming out of their burrow to sniff at the new stranger, more and more appeared. It eased the part of you that had grown brambles and thorns, sanding down their spikes.You scoured the sky slowly, languidly, like time was not moving beneath you, until the door opened and you were brought back down to earth.You did not look at the noise, though you knew Levi garnered your attention from the way your body tensed at his presence. It was still so strange having him here, but you relaxed back quicker than yesterday, quicker than the day before it too. Slowly, almost too slow to notice, he was becoming an expected part of this. As expected and anticipated as the stars and the moon and the wind.You could feel his eyes on you, had learned to sense their attention and though it still made your stomach shift, you did not look over, the stars too tempting of a summons to leave just yet. Because when you dared to look into Levis eyes, to register his presence, the stars looked so much dimmer in comparison. It was infuriating.He walked to your side, finally shifting his gaze upwards to the stars, and you took that as your chance to look over. To drink him in without his scouring eyes reading every thought and dissecting every emotion. His hair was slightly damp, the lingering signs of a shower still on his skin. His long lashes cast shadows on his cheeks, and his lips parted slightly as his grey eyes flicked from star to star.His hands shook slightly from where he leaned his forearms against the brick, and despite yourself, concern flourished and grew in your chest. His hands had shaken the same way before, against a clean shirt and broken mind. It worried you more than you refused to let on, and you looked away quickly, hating the emotion that arose when looking at him.It was likely the exhaustion clouding your brain into nothing.You peeled your eyes back up, finding Cygnus's wings flaring bright over your head. The swan constellation. Its beak was pointed high, facing east, to a land that never left your mind. Marley.The swans wings twinkled, and if you closed your eyes, you could imagine its great wings flying over a blimp, over ships and sea water that crashed onto the pier. Would that land ever see your face again? You hoped not, for it would likely be the last thing you saw.Levi's eyes moved back to you, and you met his gaze, all thoughts of Marley flying out of your mind. His grey eyes flicked in between yours, no scowl on his face and yet he was no easier to read. You wondered what he was thinking, what he imagined while looking at the great big stars that saw everything but told nothing.“Do you plan on joining the scouts?”The question brought Marley back to the forefront of your mind, making your hands twitch in your lap. You saw his eyes flick down to them quickly before looking back up, eyes squinted and calculating. The urge to hide them rose in your head, but you did no such thing, moving your eyes back upwards instead.“Yes”That was the plan. To leave the sanctuary of these walls and go right back to the mouth that nearly swallowed you. You would be different maybe, would be stronger hopefully. But would it ache the same to see the very place you had run from? Would you recognize any of the warriors that would come after you? Would it even matter if you did?A pale face wormed itself into your mind, eating at the star-filled sanctuary before you pushed it back, cursing your own spiraling thoughts.Your body had broken on the ground of that forest, blood still watering the very trees that had been your tombstone. There were still chunks of the people you killed sitting underneath the moss that littered the forest floor, and if you looked close enough, pieces of yourself could be found there too. And yet that's what would be waiting for you when you joined the scouts. Devoting your life, your brother's life, to try and return to the very land that crushed your soul.“The thought scares you”Levis voice pierced through the fog, and you returned to find your hands shaking beneath you, face turned to the sky and yet no stars twinkled within your mind's eye. It was not a question necessarily, but it begged for confirmation, for reply. He struggled to read you just as much as you struggled to read him. Two people searching for vulnerability underneath an endless sky.You thought of being honest, of opening up, but you thought better of it. You were used to handling things alone, this would be no different.You felt too brittle, too exposed under his gaze, and the lingering despair from a lifetime ago still sat on your chest. You breathed in the icy air. Once. Twice.Making sure your face revealed nothing when you smirked jokingly, shoving everything down somewhere deep and dark.“Careful Levi, ill start to think you care”You forced your voice to go out steady, to shelter any emotion you knew bottled itself inside of your chest, but when you looked down to the soldier who clicked his tongue in annoyance, you had a feeling you did not fully succeed. It didn't matter anyway, it was your turn now.“How long have you been a part of the scouts?”He didn't hesitate this time, his shoulders relaxing back into his body.“6 months”Oh.He was newer than you had assumed, especially given the way he carried himself, but you didn't doubt his skills. If anything, you had only ‘started’ a week ago and yet you could still wipe the floor with all the soldiers in here. It was strange though that he was so new and wanted to kill the commander. Was his motive to take over the scouts? To incite mutiny? The words Isabel said rang through your head: found it. You let your eyes rove over him in thought, trying and failing to gauge a motive that would fit the man you were starting to uncover. He didn't seem like he cared for the scouts at all, frankly you wouldn't be surprised if he was forced into being here all together. But he also didn't seem like the type who would go anywhere he was forced to go, and it left your mind returning right back to home base.A question for tomorrow then. You didn't let yourself linger on the fact that you were looking forward to tomorrow night.You expected him to leave right away now that the transaction was over, now that you both were a little more human underneath the moonlight, but he stayed put, looking at the stars in no exact order. You moved your wide eyes away from him, hiding your shock and instead roaming your eyes along Cygnus.Levi's presence was no longer grating, though still unshakeable in your mind. He made no noise, barely the wisp of a breath, and yet with every shift of your eyes to another constellation, his form lingered, stayed.He left after what could've been a couple of minutes, or a lifetime, leaving you alone to your thoughts and the man in the moon. You watched him go as you always did, watched him turn his head once to look back at you before retreating into nothingness.Your body felt heavy from the exhaustion, every blink harder than the last and every shift bringing about a yawn, but you forced yourself to stay a little longer. Wringing your mind dry, so that when sleep finally came for you, it would be dreamless, empty, and serene.It didn't take long after, the stars having long since grown blurry, for you to retreat downstairs and fall silently into bed, already finding Levis sleeping form in the dark.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Shadis emerged in all his glory the next morning, the same time as yesterday, though the crazed smile on his face was a new addition that you could've done without.He didnt bother waiting for you all, leaving the room and making you all join whenever you were done. You got up slowly, going to the bathroom to brush your teeth before changing into your uniform. You felt a pair of eyes linger on your scarred arms, exposed despite the shadows you chose to change in, and looked over to find the older boy staring down your back. His face was too shadowed to read whatever lied there, but you really couldn't have cared less if you tried.You looked away with a scowl, finishing quickly before following your brother outside to the field.“Get into pairs”You looked to your brother before Shadis could finish speaking, smile already on your face. You found him looking back, both of you moving in sync and finding a spot off to the edge of the field.You both got into stance, the sight bringing a wave of pride in your chest before you moved towards him slowly, smile growing when he backed up in form. All that time training was clearly starting to pay off.Swinging your fist slowly, you waited for him to dodge and found yourself frowning when he did so.“No, don't tuck your body away, lean instead so you don't cower against your opponent”You repeated the movement on your own body, prompting him to try and punch the way you had shown him mere hours ago. You continued like this slowly, oblivious to the rest of the world as you taught your brother how to defend himself. In the back of your mind, you wished for Isabel and Furlans presence, the only thing missing from this ill timed training session.Sparring all but forgotten, you continued to correct his form, eager for the day where he could move on his own and let his body react in turn. It was less of a fight and more of a lesson, and Shadis himself thought so too as he stopped to watch, frown on his face.“Stop. Everyone get into evenly matched pairs”You looked up from where you were correctly your brother fist, frown on your own face until you noticed the other kids. Some were wrestling on the ground, while others stood next to each other nervously, not making a move. The most stark sight was that of the older boy and a younger girl, her body on the ground and curled up.Clearly he had not held back.You straightened your back, stepping away from your brother and moving your eyes back to Shadis. His own were drilling into yours, a silent order to find a new partner and stop teaching. You bit your tongue to stop the words that wanted to bark back at his demand.The older boy was surveying the other kids, a sinister smirk on his face before his eyes finally landed on you. He had been the one who had seen your scars, had eyed you up not only this morning, but all the ones before then. The look held no kindness, and unlike you, his face revealed every crinkle of intent.The girl at his feet groaned in pain, struggling to rise. She was clutching her stomach, likely having been kicked hard, and the boy did little to help her up, only watching with a smile as she stood. You didn't let yourself think twice, anger already a raging beast in your mind. Shadis did not hesitate either.“Y/n and Henry, pair up.”Henry. So his name was Henry. You didn't let yourself smile, didnt let your face reveal any of the skills you knew you would wield against him. You may have spent the last week teaching, but you had not gotten rusty, and you could not wait to bloody up his face.You saw the girl limp by you, headed towards your brother, and it eased an ache inside you knowing that he would make sure to take good care of her. You would be sure to get an extra punch in for her sake.You finally stood in front of the boy, his height making him a head taller than yourself. You hadnt really given yourself the chance to notice him before, notice any of these kids before, and yet somehow fate brought him right up close and personal, smile just as sadistic as before. You couldn't remember why he had joined the military, couldn't remember a thing about him prior to this moment, but then again he had always pissed you off one way or another.His shaggy blond hair blew in the breeze, swishing past blue eyes and a sharp jaw. He was every bit spoiled city boy, and yet he had chosen to roughen himself up here with the rest of you. You let your eyes take him in, gauging from the way he held himself that he grew up wealthy, better off than most at the very least. His palms held no trace of calluses, no sign of any training with a weapon, not even a papercut marred his pale skin.He held himself with an arrogance that made your mouth taste of something bitter, reminding you of the same eyes you had seen growing up.It made your anger swell, rage making your hands twitch, but you showed nothing on your face, getting into stance in front of him. Absentmindedly, you could feel Shadis's gaze, could feel your own brothers, every kid had paused to watch either a prince crumble or another girl be made an example of.He got into his own stance in front of you, sloppy and self taught, and that alone brought a small smile to your lips, one that refused to be repressed. It was finally your turn to indulge in the fun.Lunging first, he drew his fist back, giving everyone and their grandpa enough time to sidestep the punch. You moved back, going behind him and kicking him hard in the back of the knee, sending him toppling hard to the ground.He cursed when he fell, dust rising like a cloud of defeat around his body. The look he gave you, looking from the ground up to the heavens, made a smirk bloom on your face. You hadnt even started yet.He got up once more, eyes far more angry and form just as disgustingly bad. If you were a better person, you would open your classes to everyone in here, saving the people of tomorrow, but you werent. Maybe in the next life.He reeled for another punch, refusing to learn his lesson the first time, and in the opening he left, you lunged, kicking him hard in the ribs. Something crunched hard under your heel, making the boy sputter and curse, falling to the ground and staying there. Good.Frankly it had been an obnoxiously short fight, and a part of you wished you could have prolonged his suffering, but watching him groan on the ground made the bitterness in your mouth recede, feeding the angry beast and singing it to sleep.You realized slowly that silence had descended around you, not even the sound of breathing permeating your ears, and when you turned, stunned awe met your eyes.The other kids had fully stopped to watch, mouths open and gaping, your brother being the only one who didn't look starstruck, though his pride shined as bright as day.Shadis's eyes were the most intense, and you found them staring into yours with a look you could not decipher. Pride, yes, and maybe some shock, but there was also curiosity, some awe there that you hadn’t expected. Your skin prickled at the attention, and you brushed it off, walking back to your brother and leaving Henry to grovel to the dirt.“Back to it! What the hell are you idiots bug eyed for?”You didn't stick around long after, silenting watching your brother spar with the girl as you leaned against a nearby tree. No longer having a partner thanks to him limping inside, begging for a medic. Big baby if anyone were to ask you. You had dealt with worse and had to suffer with it quietly. He would survive.You didn't miss the dirty look he had thrown at your face before he left, and you definitely didn't miss the gazes of the other kids throughout their own sparring session. You only stared back, deterring any from giving you further attention.Sweat beaded down your back, making you yearn to claw at the layered long sleeve that clung to your skin. You were the first back in the dorms, hopping into the shower and rebraiding your hair, finding your brother waiting for you to join him to lunch. It had become a routine, and frankly he didnt need to anymore with how safe this place has shown itself to be, yet the fact that he did so made warmth bloom inside you all the same.You walked over to grab your lunch, arriving later than you usually did to the lunch table, but it made no difference to the three waiting eagerly there. You moved some of your portions to your brothers plate, ignoring his curious glance before walking to your seat.Isabel was the first to speak up, before you were even fully sat on the bench.“Oh my gosh did you guys see that guy limping through the place crying about his ribs!”Clearly the boy hadn't been discreet, and a smile formed itself up onto your face, making Isabel's eyes bug out further. That girl was a busybody who needed more hobbies than gossiping. You couldnt really find it in yourself to hate it that much.Unbiddingly, your eyes found Levis, stomach flipping when you found him already looking back. His eyes searched yours, scanning your features, and finding something there that brought a small smile to his face. The man was more perceptive than you gave him credit for.The smile softened his features for a fraction of a second before it was hidden behind the teacup, once more clenched tightly by the lip of the cup. You had never seen someone drink tea like that, but then again, you were finding that no one was like Levi.You looked away once your brother spoke, bringing your eyes back down to the plate in front of you.“Was he really making that much of a fuss?”Your own brother clearly had no qualms in indulging in gossip however, feeding into Isabel's story with his own excitement. He spoke as though he had knocked the guy out himself, and it made you raise an eyebrow at him. He at least had the decency to look embarrassed.“Yes! He was groaning about how he needed a medic and thought he was going to pass out! Do you know who fought him?”This time you really rolled your eyes, story sounding incredibly made up, though very plausible for who Henry had shown himself to be. Hopefully a night in the infirmary would knock some empathy into his brain, or better yet, make him quit forever.Your brother didnt say anything, instead smiling wide and looking right at you. Isabels eyes flicked over to yours, and whatever she saw there clearly confirmed it, making her stand up in shock.“You!”“Isabel please sit down, your causing a scene”You muttered, already feeling eyes on your back as you focused on the ones at your front. Furlan looked curious, and Levi looked…approving? You ignored the way his gaze warmed something inside you, moving your eyes back to Isabel and Furlan. You shrugged at their interested gazes, the story much less exciting than they probably thought it was.“He deserved it.”Isabel opened her mouth to say more, clearly unappeased by the lack of details before Furlan stopped her, shoving a piece of bread into her face instead.Despite looking scandalized, the girl chewed it diligently, glaring at him the entire way. The sight made you smile once more, and before you registered it, the plate was scraped clean, food long gone past your lips. The thought made you queasy, so you didn't ponder it for long, pushing the plate away and focusing back on the conversation.“So in conclusion, I think I should cut it.”Isabel finished, hand grabbing the end of her ponytail before Furlan spoke, looking exasperated and years older than he was. With these two at his side, he probably had the patience of a saint.“Isabel, you always cut it too short and then cry about it for a week until it grows longer again.”Levi glared at her in silent agreement before opening his mouth to do it verbally as well.“Listen to Furlan brat”Your brother was enraptured, watching each person speak and darting his eyes with each word. You found yourself doing the same, incredibly entertained as well as incredibly confused.“But I need it shorter, its getting in my face all the time” She groaned, throwing herself onto the table in defeat.Both men opened their mouths in response, likely to console and berate respectively, before your brother beat them to it, shocking you in the process.“Just braid it back like my sister does.”You heard the chains descend before they fell, and prayed to the heavens to give you patience so you didn't beat the shit out of your only remaining family member. The boy himself was clearly oblivious, only realizing when Isabel shot up like a bullet, eyes sparkling and already pleading. You were going to kill him and then set yourself on fire.“I dont know how! Can you do it for me y/n, please please pleeeaaasse” Your brother had the nerve to wince at you, his own eyes turning pleading since he knew the rejection that would soon follow. You opened your mouth to say no, to tell them all to hurry up so they could train and not whine your ears off before you reached 19, but the longer you looked at Isabel's face, the quicker the thoughts died in your mind.Because despite the way you acted, the way you forced yourself to be distant and hide your affections, you cared about them.Even Furlan looked slightly hopeful on her behalf, and Levi was watching you, waiting for your reaction to Isabels plea. It may have been annoying and you would likely regret it, but it would make Isabel smile. It would make your brother happy, and deep down, it would make you happy too.It was dangerous to let yourself even get this close to people within the walls, but you remembered a little girl, sat on her bed during silent nights teaching herself to braid her own hair in the dark. She had seen so many pretty girls with fun hairstyles, with moms who were happy to bond behind pigtails and coloured elastic bands. How long has it been since your own mother did your hair? Since you did anything besides fight, and repress and rage?Too long. So you huffed a breath of annoyance, and nodded once, standing up as you did.“Fine. But we do it now before training so I don't have to hear you complain about the heat.”Like she had heard none of your frustrations, Isabel cheered as she stood, latching onto you excitedly and dragging you from the room. If anyone saw the small smile on your face from her actions, they had no proof.She sat you down on her bed none too gently, and ran to the bathroom to get her hairbrush. You huffed a laugh at her urgency, the girl clearly under the impression that you would run if she took too long, but you got up softly instead, moving to your own bed to grab the extra hair tie under your pillow.She returned huffing, smile just as wide and eager as she sat in front of you, back to your front. You rolled your eyes at her anticipation, grabbing the brush and starting to comb softly through her hair. You began at the bottom, working through any knots slowly and deliberately so as to not hurt her. She hummed a soft tune under her breath, one that sounded melodic and sweet, nothing like that which had once grated on your nerves and followed you in your nightmares.You combed through her hair a final time, double checking for any kinks before starting to braid her hair slowly.“Where did you learn this?”Despite her usually chaotic nature, she spoke soft into the empty room, cradling the gentle atmosphere and nursing it with quiet conversation. You thought about ignoring her, but it felt cruel, and really, the question did little to pry. Maybe it was because her back was to you, and you were away from peering eyes, doing the most gentle thing your hands had done in years, that you answered back with honesty on your lips.“I taught myself.”She hummed once, shifting slightly on the bed. You tugged her hair gently, a silent demand to stop moving. She stilled almost immediately.“Could you teach me?”“Sure, tomorrow before training.”She shifted once more, clearly giddy at the prospect, and tugged her hair once more, nodding at the quiet ‘sorry’ she mumbled in return. You expected her to descend into silence, to hum her tune once more and wait for the braid to end, but this was Isabel, and she was anything but quiet. Or patient. Or-“You know…you're like big bro Levi”Your hands stilled on her hair, unsure whether or not to take offence to the statement. After some deliberation, you finally landed on offence, feeling a small smile rise on your face.“Oh ya? so grumpy and emotionally constipated?”She giggled lightly under her breath, making your own smile widen as you recommenced the braid.“Well maybe not the grumpy part.”You tugged her hair playfully, making her laugh harder, you with her as you finally answered.“Oi! I do have your hair in my hands you know”You knew she could hear the smile in your tone, no matter how hard you tried to mask it, and you found it didnt bother you as much as it should have. She was still giggling under her breath, her body refusing to still beneath your hands, and you gave up on trying to stop her, too content to care whether or not the work was perfect. It was Isabel, she would probably love it either way, and the thought made your heart swell in your chest.She quieted slowly, body relaxing fully beneath your hands.“I meant that you both pretend not to care, and hide your real emotions deep down but…you guys actually care the most.”Her words made your hands still once more, a lump rising in your throat. You opened your mouth to try to speak, but words refused to leave, making you shut your eyes softly before trying again.“You see me like that?”It was the most vulnerable you had ever sounded, most vulnerable you had let yourself be with anyone other than your brother or Levi.Isabel, Furlan, Levi. All of them were…good. Kind hearted and compassionate and caring. They all showed it differently, but it was there, as stark as the first sunrise after a long winter.Levi with his soft words in the dark, Furlan with his patience, Isabel with her joy that radiated to everyone around her. All these good people and somehow they stick around you. They saw you and didn't see a monster. It wasn't true, but it still felt so good to hear anyway.“You didn’t have to braid my hair…or train me, or save my life that day. I know something off, but I trust you and I know the others do too.”A silent tear fell behind her back, the younger girl oblivious to the way your heart was cracking open at her words, laying its sharp edges down on your lap and slowly mending itself back together. They all knew that things didn't exactly add up or make sense, and yet they stayed. They hoped and they saw and they stayed. Everyone had always left, and yet these three refused to.“Isa…”You couldn't form the words, couldn't possibly try to explain to her what it meant, but she opened her mouth before you could, bringing you back to shore.“I like that. Isa. I've never had a nickname before, other than brat from Levi”You laughed wetly, the lump in your throat finally receding, and your deft hands making quick work of the end of the braid. Your body and mind felt warm, felt loved and alive.“Then Ill call you Isa from now on, and you can call me whatever you like.”Clearly the warmth had melted your brain, and you regretted the words immediately when the girl turned back to you, eyes mischievous and smile wide. Why the hell did you ever agree to be alone with this gremlin?“Ooooo how about-”“Nevermind I take it back”You said quickly, giving her a deadpan stare before moving to get up, the boys likely waiting for your return.“Awe what! No takebacks!”Sometimes you were reminded that this little demon was in fact a child, and you rolled your eyes back, not entertaining her thoughts for a second.“Isa I will cut off your hair in your sleep”You watched her squak in fear, knowing she wasn't actually afraid before she registered that her braid was done and ran to the mirror. It made you giggle before she came back sprinting, smile explosive across her face.“I love it! I love it! Comeon lets go I wanna show everyone!”How you managed to get dragged again you didn't know, but her smile was infectious and you returned to the lunchroom beaming beside her.The boys all looked up at your return, and though Isa was spinning around showing off her braid to their eyes, you felt Levis gaze on you alone, and it made your blood spike in your veins. You looked over as your brother and Furlan cooed in awe at the braid, feeding both you and Isa's ego, and found his grey eyes open and bright.There was a small smile on his face, but he looked to Isa before you could decipher the emotions that had been in his eyes.You looked away with him, smiling in delight at your work before everyone got up and prepared to go outside for training.Levi settled at his place beside you, the both of you walking quietly out into the courtyard before he diverted off to his secluded tree, now bearing less fruit than it had the day prior. You felt his absence at your side immediately, hating that you even cared before turning your attention to the three in front of you.With one nod, they all were in formation, ready to continue punching training.“Yesterday he did right, called a cross, today we do left, called a jab. This one is a more compact movement, since your hips have less range of motion, but it's the same type of movement as the right.”You imitated a left handed punch, stepping forward with your left foot as you moved your arm. After three punches, you turned to Furlan, nodding once for him to try. It was much cleaner than you expected, though his legs struggled to move with his arm.“Again. Step forward when you punch. Your opponent is not going to put themselves in range to get hurt, you must go to them.”He tried again, doing much better thought still not as clean as you wanted. You corrected his form before starting him on 10 push ups.You moved on to Isabel, surprised to find her excelling much faster with the punches than you thought, nodding once before making her repeat them again and again. At the fourth attempt, her feet wobbled beneath her, sentencing her to 10 push ups.Finally your brother went, and it took him three before he too was on the ground eating dirt. Slowly they were picking it up faster, training their bodies to answer each beck and call required to survive in a fight.Your eyes moved over to Levi, finding him watching you with arms crossed beneath the tree, the shade of it shadowing his dark eyes. His eyes followed your every move, and you felt gooseflesh rise on your arms, electrifying your skin under his gaze. It was both incredible and distracting.“Again. I want 10 perfect punches in a row. Right, left, right, left”They did not make it to nine before the sun descended past the grey bricks of their home, but you let them rot beneath the moon anyway, their bodies growing stronger with each passing day.Levi finally moved to kick them all awake later, and you joined him, the night sky beckoning to you both. Isabel's braid had stayed in place throughout the training, and as you picked her up to lead her inside, her hands ghosted over it, smiling slightly when she felt its pattern.All of you walked in as one mismatched bunch, steps quiet and exhausted but content. You couldn't remember the last time you felt this comfortable amidst others, and if you let your thoughts race far enough, you wondered if this was what a family felt like.You had gotten a glimpse, a long time ago, when your imagination couldve taken you anywhere and the sky was the limit, before it all came crashing down on you like an anvil. It had felt like this. No. This felt better than anything you experienced back then.You set Isabel down, tucking her in and ruffling your brothers hair affectionately before walking out and up the stairs. Levi was at your back, the scent of something clean and something that was just Levi following you like a ghost through the halls.It calmed your corrosive memories, setting them at bay and reminding you where you were, how far you have come. You were a long way from Marley.The night air was sharp against your skin, a sign of the seasons slowly changing to autumn beneath your footsteps. The chill was not yet uncomfortable, and you hoped the day when snow fell did not come closer, keeping you within this cocoon of heat a little longer.The winters had always been the worst, trapped at home with not even the window as a solace for the outside world. Maybe it would be better here in Paradis. You had to hope it would be.You imagined Isabel and your brother running outside, chasing each other beneath warm jackets and surrounded by falling snowflakes. Furlan would be there, chasing after them, likely to make sure one of them didnt tumble and crack their head open on a rock. Levi would probably be watching from a window inside, annoyed but fond, and you would be there too, though you couldnt figure out where you fit just yet.You gazed up at the twinkling stars from your ledge, Levi at your side leaning against the brick, staring up at the sky with you.There was a comfort in having him here, a spot that had worn itself down and grown vacant, a spot that he now filled seamlessly, almost making your mind believe that he had been there the whole time.Your eyes scoured along the lights, flickering and dimming from another universe up above. Orion’s Belt gleamed bright above, drawing your eyes to it before spotting Ara across the sky. The alter constellation.You had read in a book across the sea that Ara had been an alter where gods of another age had vowed allegiance to one another before battling the titans that reigned over them. You couldn’t guess whether or not it was more Marleyan propaganda to have storybooks feature tyrannical titans, but it didn’t take away from the beauty. Not to you.Somewhere far away, people came together against a common threat, chose love and hope instead of despair. That was what the stars did for you, what these little truths dug out of your soul gave way to. Hope and love to push back the despair. Some days it worked. Others it did not.Levi’s eyes finally moved to yours, drawing your head down and back to earth. There was curiosity in his eyes, the silent way he always seemed to study you. You didn’t know if you ever wanted to gauge what he gathered.“Why did you join the scouts?”He looked away with a huff, a small smile playing on his face, though it was rueful, lacking any of the humour that could’ve lived there.“I didn’t”His answer made your brows scrunch, because what it was was no answer at all. How could he not join a group that he was already a part of? You scoured his eyes, his face and hands for a sign of a lie, but none showed itself, and you found your mouth opening without your permission.“Why not leave?”He turned his grey eyes back to you, studying your face once more before the stars stole his gaze.“Careful y/n, I’ll start to think you care”The mimic of your own statement made your lips tick up in a smile, matching the one on his face before you also looked away, back up to the alter in the sky.Even gods of old looked up to the great heavens, carving stories and memories into the lights that twinkled after dusk. Levi’s voice broke through your thoughts, but you kept your gaze skyward.“Why are you joining the scouts?”You let the silence linger as you thought, trying and failing to pick a singular reason as to why. For your brother, to get revenge on Marley, to prepare for war, to do some good, to make a difference in the little time you had left, for Isa, for Furlan, for him. Everything was a reason. Nothing was a reason.“A million and one different reasons”His eyes were on you, you could feel it. Could imagine the way his eyes bored into you and the way his eyebrows furrowed in thought. You could see him in your minds eye even if you weren’t looking, so persistent and prevalent.“Give me one”You finally looked down, his tone beckoning you back to him, and you chose the first one that had come to mind.“For my brother”His head tilted to the side, still flickering across your face. Stars danced in his gaze, shifting galaxies and cosmos and making something flutter in your stomach. You couldn’t tell if you hated it.“You could just as easily die”He didn’t say it rudely, or to condescend. He said it bluntly, like a reminder of what laid out there, though you and him knew better than anyone that you knew exactly what laid out there.It was your turn to have a rueful smile grow on your face, feeling its sting as it crossed your cheeks. No you couldn’t die as easily, sometimes that was both a blessing and a curse. There had been a time where you wished to die, and now you pray to live, knowing that your death was promised sooner than you ever wanted.His eyes studied yours, drinking you in like water, but even he could not read every line inked into your mind, though he tried as hard as he could.You looked away from him, the breeze blowing his scent to you softly. You tilted your head back against the brick, shutting your eyes softly before opening them again.After some time, he turned back to the same sky, connecting dots in his mind, thinking of every answer you gave and weaving the web of truths to build an incomplete picture. You did the same for him, trying to understand the man you barely knew with the man you were getting to know better than anyone else.You did not look at him again, and he did not look at you, sheer will keeping both your gazes up above. Your thoughts did not run as they usually did, tampered by his presence holding space within your mind. It was a reprieve that you would not let yourself think you needed, even if it felt like gulping down air after drowning for so long.You both sat under the stars until your back hurt from laying on the sharp stone, your vision fading in and out from exhaustion. On silent steps, you both walked back to the dorm, falling into bed and welcoming sleep with open arms.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The morning sun bathed through the window in an orange hue, ripping the lingering haze of sleep from your mind. You got up gingerly, eyes scouring the room to reorient yourself, as you did every morning. It had been close to two weeks in Paradis and the novelty had yet to fade, and you still woke in a jolt some days, afraid that any semblance of escape had been a vivid dream.This time though, Levis sleeping form made any anxieties flee from your mind, and you froze your movements, letting your eyes rove over his sleeping form. You never woke up before him, always turned to find him missing somewhere in the castle, except for today.Sleep softened his usually sharp features, making him look ethereal in the morning glow. His face was smooth, lips slightly separated with each inhale and exhale. They looked soft. You looked away quickly, your face heating at the thought. You shook away the sight, walking to the bathrooms at the back and taking a quick shower. He was gone by the time you returned.You sat back onto the bed, ready for the day to begin before you realised there was a head missing. You counted the kids in your scoudren again, their sleeping forms moving beneath the covers. The boy you had beaten yesterday was still missing, likely having slept in the medical ward. Good.You expected Shadis to emerge at the door at any moment, and like clockwork, the door burst open. Except it wasn't Shadis that emerged from the hall, it was Hange. Today was lesson day.“Gooooodmorning everyone! Up you get, we have titans to dissect!” She cheered loudly, making even Isabel bolt up in her bed, hair glued to one side of her head.She grumbled underneath her breath angrily before pushing the blanket above her head and falling back to bed. You held back a laugh, waiting for your brother to descend and change. Hange helped herself to the students not yet awake in the back, placing her face right up against theirs and waking them up. Multiple squeels rang out in the time that your brother descended and got changed, and you winced at every one. This woman was insane.Lesson days were your least favourite, and you could already feel your fingers twitching with pent up energy. You wanted to go outside, wanted to leave the sweltering walls and feel wind caress your face.You followed the tired grumbles of the other children, ignoring Hange's smile and taking your seat near the window once more. The weather was less appealing today, more clouds than actual sunlight, but you yearned for it all the same.“Okay so hold back your excitement! Today we are going to be talking about titan mating theories!”Her glasses shined bright against the overhead light, and you refused the urge to cringe at her enthusiasm. You wondered if you would've thought the same if you had been given the privilege of ignorance. You knew exactly how the titan population grew. How innocent people fed on innocent people until the ache in their belly was satiated for a brief second, until it started up anew.Hange was still speaking, talking animatedly about how titans didn't have any of the necessary parts to reproduce like humans, but they were still looking for signs with each expedition. Even your brother looked mildly sick beside you, but you looked away, trying to focus on the ground outside to calm the rising bile in your throat.Every shut of your eyes brought you back, made you hear their damned screams and taste copper in your mouth. Their bones had crunched beneath your teeth, and every minute had been delicious. It had been hell, it had been agony and rage. Like the smashing waves of the ocean, unstoppable and deadly.Your chair squealed out against the silent room, and you were out the door before an excuse had even left your lips. You let your legs carry you down the hall, up the winding stairs and to the spot on the roof. To the ledge that existed beyond this reality and gave you an ounce of reprieve from your thoughts.You didn't bother with the handle, pushing the door open and feeling the wood dig into your palms like needles as you heaved it open. The first wind felt like a balm to your soul, and you fell to your knees at the air, letting your eyes shut against the onslaught in your mind. The nausea receeded with each breath. You could smell the fresh earth in your lungs, the slight charge in the air letting you know it would rain today. You got off the stone slowly, walking to the edge and eyeing the distance, not really seeing the trees or the courtyard beneath you.Your hands shook lightly, and you clenched them when you heard the door open behind you. You turned sharply to find Levi standing there, shock on his own features before he schooled them back into neutrality. He looked as he always did, tense, calculating, gravitating, and it made you feel unstable.It was strange seeing him here during the day, in a place that you only shared under the stars. It made everything more real, more tense, yet the thoughts that still lingered slightly at the back of your mind did not return to the forefront.“What are you doing here?” You asked, hands still clenched around the stone at your back. You knew they were still shaking, your body still reeling from the memories, and you refused to let Levi see it. You figured he would give you nothing, seeing as this was not your scheduled verity session, but you hoped the prodding would make him leave all the same.“Hiding from Isabel and Furlan.”His eyes flicked away in embarrassment, and the truth made your hands still, bringing them back to your sides. The humour pulled you out of the dark thoughts that refused to fully and you felt yourself return back into your body. He had told you the truth with no strings attached, no requirement for you to do the same, and for some reason it made your heart pang, soften and soar in your chest. A bubble of laughter inflated and grew in your chest, and you felt yourself smile before you shoved it down.“Why are you up here?”His eyes returned to yours, and you felt fire move through your veins, like he was the match to your kindling.You let them pour into yours, contemplating whether or not you should lie through your teeth, the way you always did when the stars were not out. You opened your mouth to do just that, but…You looked away from him, feeling much to seen and turned your head instead to the clouds above. They were grey, and angry, but if you looked high enough above them, there were stars. There were always stars out, even when the sun danced across the sky in hues of yellow and orange and red. The stars never truly left, and he had offered his own truth, as silly as it may have been. That's always how it had been between you two, a give and a take, a piece of you for a piece of him.“I was overwhelmed and needed to breathe”It was a partial truth, but a truth all the same. His quiet presence lingered in front of you before you finally looked back down. He searched your face and after a long minute, he moved forward to finally rest at your side against the ledge. His eyes left yours to scan the courtyard, and you wondered what he thought of when he looked out at the expanse of their tiny world. Did he feel suffocated or safe? Did he long for more or less?You looked away from him, looking back to the clouds above. They didn't look angry anymore. They looked like his eyes.“Was it Hange's class?” He asked quietly, and you looked over in shock, not realising that he even knew the lady. It shouldn't have surprised you given there were so few in the survey corps as it was, and yet.He looked over at your face before huffing a laugh under his breath, clearly having received all the confirmation he was seeking.“Yeah she can be a lot that one”You watched him run his finger along the stone, turning it to look at the slight smudge on his fingertip before scowling in distaste. His tense form along a sink entered your mind, and you spoke up, if only to bring his focus elsewhere.“Thats being generous”You didn't know why you even cared, why it mattered, but when he looked back up and there was a smile ticking up the corners of his lips, the ache that had started in your chest vanished, and you looked away quickly before he saw. You clenched your jaw at your own idiocy. These were the thoughts of a school girl, these were thoughts you did not get to have.“Just do yourself a favor and escape before she goes on a rampage.”His voice ripped you out of your head, and you smiled slightly to the clouds at his comment. Good to know at least. A raindrop hit your forehead, and you blinked in surprise moving your hand to touch the drop. It would start raining soon. You turned your head to Levi, finding him watching you with an unreadable look in his eye before he too was hit by a drop of rain, making him flinch in surprise.He scowled up at the sky, and something about the sight made you laugh, made you want to grab his hand and force him to stay out here with you as the earth was washed and made anew. You did none of those things though, and when he looked down to find you smiling, he only softened his eyes before you both made for the door. He held it open as you walked through, and you turned to look at each other as a goodbye, knowing you would see him soon for dinner.All the thoughts that had plagued your mind seemed so far away, like they were being drowned out by the rain rumbling outside. You returned to the class on silent feet, ignoring your brother's gaze and waiting listlessly for Hange to finish.She went on about proposed theories on titan movements, gushing about their ability to sense large human populations and gravitating to those areas versus aiming for smaller cities. You ground your teeth to shut out her voice, put off by her inexplicable happiness towards the same beasts that fed on humans. The way you had. Every word grated on your nerves, reminding you of who you were, what you were, what you would never be. The other kids in the room listened enraptured, unsure and just as confused as the very woman standing at the front.By the end of class, your nerves were frayed from sitting for so long, itching to get up and move around once more. Thankfully none of the dark thoughts returned for long, pushed aside by thoughts of grey eyes and small smiles beneath a shaking earth. You knew they were silly and stupid and would likely go away as quickly as they came, but you enjoyed them all the same.You got up as everyone else did, some stopping to stretch at their seats before moving out of the way. You waited for your bother to pack up his notebook, grabbing his pencil and making for the door. Hange was wiping at the board quickly, darting around the room like a woman possessed, and you turned your head, making for the door before she could catch up.You made it two feet into the hallway before you registered her steps behind you.“Ah wait! Sorry to interrupt but, do you hate titans?”You turned around to find Hange standing there, hand outstretched as though she had been on the cusp of reaching for you. You stepped back, adding to the distance between you two before signaling your brother to go on without you. His eyes darted between you two, clearly unsure of whether or not to stay, but with a final nod, he left. He knew you could handle whatever came.You moved your eyes back to the woman, who had lowered her arm and put on a friendly smile. It was a real smile, placating around the edges, though it never reached her eyes. You leaned lightly against the wall, crossing your arms in front of yourself. She clearly wasn't a threat, but she had sniffed you out like a rat nonetheless.“As opposed to loving them? Am I supposed to love the very beasts that eat me Hange?”Your voice was blunt, would have made even a commander flinch from the sheer iciness, but you weren't getting lectured by a titan lover on the rightness or wrongness of your feelings. Hange, to her credit, didn't flinch, only carrying on with a light tone, as though she hadn't heard your harshness at all. It made your teeth clench in your mouth, but you showed none of your irritation, the pent of energy battering beneath your skin. Your foot tapped the ground behind you in impatience.“Hmm, have you ever seen a titan y/n?”Your foot froze on the ground, stilling your body. Your eyes searched hers, and you were surprised to find no malice or disdain. It was curiosity and…sympathy that lingered in her gaze. You had expected her to be stuck-up, to feel superior thanks to her added knowledge or simply annoying from her overall persona. You hadn't expected someone who wore their heart on their sleeve, someone emotionally intelligent enough to understand others, and sharp enough to ask.You unclenched your jaw, bringing your foot back to its place. You knew she wasn't any harm, but that did not equate to trust, even if you wanted it to.“No why?”Her eyes scanned you behind the glasses, the smile falling away to something more pensive. It made her look older, more tired than she did moments ago. You immediately regretted your sharp tone, drowning out the need to go outside with something softer. Hange seemed to be at a loss.“Your hatred seems personal is all”That was ironic coming from her. You resisted the urge to roll your eyes at the hypocrisy, trying to understand her instead.“So does your love for them”She clenched her hands once before unclenching them, clearly fighting within herself. You wondered if she'd had to have these types of conversations often. Evidently, there was very few who shared her sentiment towards the beasts.“Look, I know my methods seem…”Odd? Fanatical? Insane? You didnt say any of the thoughts that lingered on the tip of your tongue, waiting for her to reign in her thoughts.“extreme but-”She heaved a sigh, leaning against the wall across from you. It seemed like the weight of the world sat on her shoulders, and beneath the bright exterior she wore, there was an exhausted woman, trying to grapple at any seam of understanding. It made your heart pang, and you uncrossed your arms, giving her a more open look than you had been the entire conversation. She had been right, you were taking matters too personally, not realising what was right in front of you.These are people. Not just enemies, or allies, or Paradis soldiers. People. People who know nothing, and yearn to know something. They had every right to be scared, every right to do whatever it took to find the truth. Deep down, you just hated that the truth would mean them hating you. The truth would remind you of everything you couldnt run from, everything you tried so desperately to forget. You had been selfish and cruel. Shame curled in your gut for it.Hange hands moved in front of her, as though she could grasp the thoughts she wanted to say from the air in between you two. You already knew.“Everyone goes about it with hate, but you have decided to do it differently” you finished for her, watching her eyes rise from her empty hands to your own, a little sparkle finding them once more. It made the ache pass and you gave her a small smile of understanding.“Yes, exactly. I don't know what they are, but I don't think i'll get any closer to the truth by hating them”Fear churned in your gut, because she was right, and you were leading her right into the mouth of the lion by guiding her there, but Paradis deserved a chance. These people deserved a chance to know the truth. You just prayed you would be long gone before they could turn their swords on you too.“I think so too”You said finally, dropping your tense shoulders and watching the woman in front of you smile. Really smile, with her eyes and everything. It made your own rise up, and you got off the wall, moving to walk away. You shouldn't really be egging her on, should nip this at the bud and make yourself someone she avoided like the plague, but ever since Isa, and Furlan and Levi, a part of you woke up. A part that had shriveled up from all the abuse woke up, and saw, and drank and ate and yearned. You hadn't made it to the end of the hall before Hange's voice stopped you once more.“Y/N! Let's talk more about this next time!” she yelled happily, and you turned your head to find her waving, smile wide on her face. The part of you screamed and thrashed and wanted, so you helplessly smiled back and nodded before turning back to walk off.The rain was still pelting hard when you arrived at the lunchroom, getting your meal quickly before bringing it to the table. Isa and Furlan already had your brother enraptured in some conversation, the topic making Levi roll his eyes and eat his food in silence. You sat down, smiling back at your brother before digging into the food slowly.The thoughts this morning had all but died since the conversation with Levi and Hange, but the feeling still lingered like oil on your skin. You couldn't wholly push away the nausea, the fear and shame. The carrot from the stew crunched hard beneath your teeth, and you had to stop the rising gag, swallowing whatever lingered in your mouth before pushing the rest to your brother.You felt Levi's eyes on the side of your head, but you did not look, focusing on the other three instead.“Soooooo y/n, its raining”Isa said, smirk wide and sly on her face. The girl was a menace. You looked to Furlan and your brother to find similar smiles on their own faces. So that's what they had been talking about then. You understood why Levi had rolled his eyes, and fought not to do the same with your own.“That it is”You said instead, pretending not to understand and looking the girl in the eyes. Her smile fell for a second before it returned with new vigour.“It'll be really hard for you to train us in such conditions”The urge to laugh rose in your chest, and you bit your cheek to prevent it from leaking out. Your eyes flicked over to Levi to find his own mouth fighting against a smile, mirth clear in his eyes.“I don't know, I don't think it would be hard for me, do you think it would be hard for me Levi?”All eyes moved to the ravenette at the end, three of them pleading, but his eyes were only for you. You could see his own thoughts matching yours, and it made the laugh in your chest swelter and grow, making it so much harder to repress.“No I don't think it would be”His voice was like a balm to your mind, making shivers skitter along your skin, but you reigned in your smile, waiting for the exact moment that you knew would come.Isa, Furlan, and your own brother turned their saddened eyes back to you, leaning heavily against the table.“PLEASE DONT MAKE US GO OUT THERE” Isa yelled, your brother and Furlan echoing the sentiment with their hands clasped together in prayer. They looked rightfully pathetic, and it was the most hilarious sight you had ever seen. You took your time, grabbing your teacup and taking a long drag before looking over to Levi, whose own eyes were sparkling at the display in front of him. He looked incredible.“What do you think, should I make them go out there Levi?”You said slowly, not even bothering to look at their pleading faces. Isabel was fake crying at the point, and Furlan had his head on the table, already anticipating defeat. Levi watched them all before turning to you in equal slowness, you both in on the same joke. It made you feel alive.“Well the brats could definitely use the lessons”You smiled wide at his answer, seeing it mirrored in his own face. Isa cried out about betrayal, Furlan was sinking into the floor and your brother was pulling at your sleeve helplessly. You let them grovel for a little longer before you pretended to think it through, and finally answered their begging.“Fine” You said finally, wincing at their loud cheer before looking at Levi with a small smile. He was laughing before you could get the last words out.“But it's double the punishments tomorrow”Their cheers stopped mid shout and you laughed along with Levi as the other three withered around you. There would be no slackers, not on your watch. You had had to train even in blizzards back in Marley, these three idiots were spoiled rotten and they didn't even know it. You felt as light as air, so full of happiness and joy that you didn't even know people could feel this way.Your laughs finally quieted, and though they stayed down, those three balls of energy did not stay that way for long, and Isa quickly remembered a way to fill the time.“Didn't you tell me you were going to teach me how to braid my hair today!” She squealed loudly, making you almost choke on your tea. You nodded once, ignoring everyone's surprised look before making to get up. Your brother's eyes caught yours, and the happiness in them made your heart soar.“Wait, teach them too!” she said loudly, bringing all the eyes back to her. For once, you were not the only one looking scandalized, and Levi spoke before you could get the chance.“Why would we need to know that brat?”Isabel looked at him like he was the dumb one, and you saw Levi's jaw clench in annoyance. It was kind of hilarious.“So you can do it for me when we are out on expeditions!”You closed your mouth, opting instead to see how this would play out. You didn't have any qualms around teaching all of them how to braid, and frankly it would be incredibly amusing to see them try to braid each other's hair, so you shut up and sat down to wait.Your brother seemed to have the same agreement, not really minding spending his time in your company, even if it was to learn how to do a hairstyle. You felt your chest swell in pride at his thoughts, throwing your arm around his shoulder as you both sat and watched. Furlan and Levi however, were not done.“Why would you not just braid your own hair?” Furlan asked, and Levi glared at Isa like duh idiot, but the girl only placed her hands on her hips, not backing down against them. She was a badass and you loved her all the more for it.“Well I know for a fact that neither of you have anything better to do! And no, big bro, cleaning does not count as something better to do!”You pursed your lips together, trying to contain a laugh at Levis grumble of embarrassment. His ears even went a little pink, and you watched both boys turn away and deflate in defeat. Your brother had no qualms over laughing at both of them though, and the glare he got from Levi was absolutely deserved. Isa sat back down with a confident smile on her face, looking down her nose at them before finally turning to you. You shrugged in permission, you had guessed this was going to be a group event anyway. Isa usually got her way, that little girl was a demon.You all walked to the bedrooms, some more excited than others, before stopping at the beds. You looked over to the other four, unsure how you were supposed to fit all of them on one bed. Isa ran to Levis bed, making to jump on it before he grabbed her by the back of her jacket, stopping her completely.“No outside clothes on my bed” He said sharply, and you turned away as they bickered.Okay, so Levis bed was out of the question. Isa went for her bed after she was let down, getting on and looking at you in impatience. You went over, getting behind her and watching the three boys shift warily in front of her bed. Their shifting was wearing on your nerves and you felt your patience run dry.“You three sit down there” You snapped, pointing at the ground. Your brother and Furlan did as they were told, though Levi scowled at the ground, refusing to sit on the surface. You got up quickly, moving to the bathroom and grabbing a clean towel. You didn't say anything about it, or show any annoyance, because you had found that with Levi, everything was for a reason. Everything had a story or meaning or memory, and you were the last person to judge odd behaviour when you couldn't even stomach a plate of food.You laid it down before returning to the bed. Levi’s eyes watched yours, and when you looked over, you thought you saw a flicker of gratitude before it was washed away in a grey blue sea. It had been there and gone so fast, you thought you'd imagined it altogether.You pushed Levi out of your mind and brought your hair to the front of your body, taking in the curious eyes that watched you intently.“Okay I want everyone to grab three strands of hair…”Furlan and your brother attempted to grab three strands from the very little hair they had on their head, while Levi didn't even bother, giving you a deadpan stare instead. Well then.“Umm, actually turn to each other and grab three strands of hair from the person beside you.”Your brother turned his head to the scowling Levi and cringed, though he attempted to bring his hands forward and touch his hair. Levi snapped at him before he could.“Dont even think about it brat, I have no idea where your hands have been”Your brother squaked indignantly, opening his mouth to explain exactly where his hands have been before you cut him off, already annoyed. Isabel beside you was no better. Men.“Okay Levi go to the end so nobody has to touch your hair, do Furlans, Furlan do my brothers and b/n…just sit there and be quiet”The three men grumbled less than you thought they would as they shuffled around in their places, your brother in particular mumbling about feeling left out before they were finally situated. Only you and Isabel found this amusing.You steered them through braiding, correcting and snapping at them whenever necessary until you were laying back against Isa's bed with Levi beside you, the three demons taking turns undoing and doing braids in each others hair on the floor. It was disgustingly domestic, and Levis warmth radiated off his body like a furnace next to you. For some reason you had expected him to be cold, like his outwards demeanor, but everything he did always managed to surprise you.Isabel quickly grew tired, leaning into the two other boys as they braided opposite sides of her head. The sight made your heart clench harshly, and you intertwined your hands to stop them from trembling. You didn't know why it felt like your heart was bleeding, why you felt like you could sob until your voice turned hoarse, but the lump lingered in the back of your throat and you couldn't find it in yourself to look away despite it.“Do you think this is what family feels like?”Your brother's voice broke the silence, and you could feel everyone freeze at the question. You had not been the only one having that thought then. You wanted to smack him upside the head for even voicing a vulnerability like that, for making himself crystal clear in a room of peering eyes, but you couldn't. He was young, hopeful. The three that sat in front of you had the greatest chance of overcoming all the shit this world had handed them and finding happiness. They were bright lights in a sea of darkness, and you couldn't find it in yourself to try and snuff it out, even if it was safer in the dark.You couldn't open your mouth to voice the words you wanted to say, so you stayed quiet instead. Luckily Isa answered before you could.“I don't know, but I think it would feel exactly like this”Furlan was nodding along, a faraway look in his eyes as his hands absentmindedly continued braiding. It was sloppy work, but none of you were really paying attention at that moment anyway. You couldn't handle the conversation, the look that passed between them on the floor, so you looked away and up to the ceiling instead. There was a burning behind your eyes, and every blink had tears threatening to escape, but you wouldn't let them.All of them were orphans, all of them were alone, and yet like drifting stars in a night sky, they had found each other to make up a constellation. You couldn't figure out the shape, wouldn't even let yourself dream of this feeling lasting, but sometimes you hoped. Sometimes, in moments like these, you thought about opening up the crater in your chest and letting them see everything. Letting them ransack anything that was left and decide whether or not to cherish it or crush it under their feet.You felt Levis' eyes on the side of your face, they had never really left, and you couldn't hold back the urge any longer. The look swimming in his eyes was the same one that was in yours. Looking into a storm of grey felt like looking into your own soul. So many emotions swam to the surface only to be carried back under a second later. He inhaled a sharp breath, your only sign that everything he felt, he saw reflected right back at him too. He was too close on this tiny cot, still too far to touch but too damn close to every pent up secret that needed to remain just that. A secret.Isabel's snoring shocked you both out of your reverie, and you turned your head to find the three asleep on each other on the floor. You sighed fondly under your breath. a small smile finding its way to your face and shoving away the thoughts that had crippled you moments ago. You took them and locked them away in a sweltering chest in your mind, as you always did when these moments passed.You and Levi wasted no time tucking them all in, and once they were all situated and asleep, you both shuffled quietly out the door. The stars beckoned with every step, yet this time, you and Levi walked in pace with each other, slowly and side by side up the winding steps to the door. There was no urgency in either of your steps. No need to get this over with as quickly as possible, since you both knew you would be descending these same steps together at the end of it all. You didn't feel the chill of the wind when his warmth covered your side.You climbed up onto the ledge, gritting your teeth against the damp wetness of the stones. Your ankles barked harshly at the strain, but you were situated on the bricks before the ache could turn into a sharp pain.Levi came up to your side, laying his strong forearms against the stone. He had rolled up his sleeves at some point during the braiding lesson, and the veins on his arms cast shadows against his pale skin. He glowed beneath the soft light of the sky, shining incandescently whenever the moon peeked through the clouds.The grey blur in the sky covered constellations as they moved, drawing your eyes across the inky expanse in no particular order. You missed the stars as they twinkled and were covered, but with every shift, new stars were revealed. The fog that was in your head lifted, and the breaths that you took reached to the very edges of your lungs before escaping back out with a soft sigh.“Where were you born?”Levi's voice had you freezing on the ledge, your own breath lodged deep in your throat. A harsh wind blew against your side, shifting your hair into your face. You didnt fix it right away, your mind stopping and restarting as you repeated his question in your mind. It was the most in depth question either of you have asked since this deal started, and even if you knew it was coming, it still jarred you all the same. How do you explain? What could you even say?Your hands shook beneath you in indecision, and like Levi knew, his eyes found yours in the dark, studying every hidden feature. He couldn't see the truth in your eyes, couldn't possibly gather every lie and scour through them to uncover your secrets, and yet you couldn't bear to hold his gaze. You turned them instead to the sky to try and calm the racing of your thoughts. You couldn't trust him fully, not yet, but…maybe one day. You gave the only answer you could stomach, even if it tasted bitter on your tongue. It was just…too soon.Your eyes found the north star above as a cloud shifted to the right. You latched onto it, never letting go as you spoke.“A hospital”He scoffed once, moving his eyes elsewhere before you could read what lied there. It was a cop out, you knew it was, but you couldn't very well say Marley. You couldn't explain a place beyond the walls and then walk away from here like everything would be normal. Your body felt more tense around him than you had for a while. Since this all started.You waited for him to up and leave, or turn to you and tell you off your non-answer, but he did not do either of those things, only turning his head back to sky with a self-deprecating smile on his face. The sight made something pang in your chest. Both because he knew you were smarter than that and because he had believed that you would open up and trust him with it. But you needed more. More time, more signs, more courage. It may have been cowardly, or incredibly smart, likely both, but…you had finally been given a taste of happiness.Out there with Isa and Furlan and your brother, out here with him. They were little drops of gold falling into an empty, battered bucket, and you couldn't resist hoping and waiting for more. They were the first friends you had ever made, the first semblance of family you and your brother had ever had and even if it wasn't real or wouldn't last, you held on so tightly for the little while you were given. They would take it away eventually, rip it back in anger and betrayal, and it would hurt more than any wound, but not yet. Please not yet. You didn't look at Levi when you asked your own question, your voice devoid of any of that sloshed around at the bottom of your bucket. You sounded exhausted, even to your ears. Tired and lost and exhausted. Would it always feel like this? Would it be better to simply tell them everything and feel their condemnation instead of their love? “Where were you born?”You saw his head turn to yours in your periphery, but you still felt too raw to look at him. Too vulnerable under the fading light of the moon. The clouds receded slowly from its light, the wind blowing them off the night sky and to another distant land. The stars twinkled and hid behind the moving clouds, still shadowing your eyes from any complete constellations, so you focused them back to the north star. The star that had been your guide all those days ago.It felt like years now.“Underground”You finally looked down to find Levis gaze. His own voice sounded far away, lost and shaken. The underground? You had never heard or read of such a place. Your mind moved away from your previous thoughts, scouring instead all the Eldian history books your parents beat into you. There had been no mention of a civilization underground, and when you focused back on Levi, his eyes were far far away. The sight made your chest ache.“I didn't know such a place existed”The sound of your voice brought him back from wherever he had gone in his head, and when you blinked, he was once more the Levi you knew. He stared into your eyes for a long moment, seeming so far and yet so close. With every conversation under this sky, he wedged a place for himself under your skin, in the cavity in your chest. His eyes touched you more than any physical hand, and every truth made it all the more vivid.“Good”He said finally, voice deep against the light wind. His hair blew softly against his pale features, and your fingers itched to reach out and move it from his eyes. To touch him. To comfort, to be comforted. It was silly and stupid and solely because of the vulnerability of the moment, yet it was true all the same. You hated it, hated what he did to you, how he made you feel, so you turned back to the stars, ignoring the hammering in your chest that sounded like his name.He stayed with you longer than last time, and you refused to look over at him, drinking in the sights above you until your head was swimming in a sea of stars. You got down gingerly from the ledge, leaning slightly against the wall in exhaustion. He stepped towards you once before quickly stepping back, and you watched him turn his back and go out the door.You didn't think anything of his behavior, making your own way to the door and going to the bedroom. He was not there when you arrived, though the showers were on, and you assumed he was likely washing up before bed. You didn't think twice, didn't have it in you anymore to think at all, before you were changed and passed out above the covers.