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Mikey felt like smiling, but he was pretty sure his expression was blank. For the first time in months, he felt still. For the first time in months, the horrible itching sensation beneath his skin was soothed, even if a sharper sting replaced it.He dragged the blade over his arm again, making sure to do it quickly. Fast and straight and cold.And then three more.It wasn’t quite the same without the intense burn of slicing through skin, or the way blood gently danced through the ugly red tears he’d carved into his scales. But it would suffice.Even if he couldn’t keep them, he could at least wear his neat, pretty scars for a little while. Maybe he’d even manage to forget about… those scars, for a bit.• • •Brand-new Jupiter Jim DVD in hand, Leo sauntered down the hall to Mikey’s room.Well, as much as one could saunter with a cane, but he’d been practicing. April assured him he looked very whimsical, so he was quite pleased with his progress.When he’d gotten home with the new movie, Raph had agreed that a turtle pile and family movie night was of utmost importance.They’d agreed on a divide-and-conquer strategy: Raph would locate Donnie and commence Mission UPF (Ultimate Pillow Fort). The two had a long-standing record of forts that were nigh indestructible, able to withstand Raph’s size and strength, the twins’ roughhousing, and all the might of Mikey’s infamous Razzmatazz, at the same time.Tonight, they promised the ultimate palace of coziness and comfort, equipped with soft seating to minimize any shell pain for Donnie, plenty of space for Leo to prop up his still-aching legs, and an abundance of cuddle room for Mikey and Raph.Leo’s mission? Acquire their youngest brother, and, with his assistance, the crown jewel of any movie night: The snacks.Having sauntered successfully to Mikey’s room, Leo knocked once, and, finding the door unlocked, leaned down on the handle and swung inside, singing, “Oh, Michael—“He paused.Mikey blinked at him, too caught off guard to even realize that he should freeze.Mikey slid a knife across the inside of his wrist.One brand-new, mint condition Jupiter Jim DVD fell to the floor, the case cracking open with a resounding snap that echoed through the room.A knife clattered to the ground just a moment after, and before Leo knew it, he was on his knees and frantically searching his baby brother for blood.“Mikey— Shit, shit, okay, it’s okay…”Mikey yanked his arm back, his eyes wide. His mouth was open, but Leo couldn’t tell if he was trying to speak or not.“Mikey, what— Please show me your arm. Pl— Please show me,” Leo said, stammering a little as the words all raced to spill out of his mouth on top of each other.“I didn’t do anything,” Mikey whispered.“What? Mikey—““No, no, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t.”“Mikey, I saw—““I didn’t, honest!” Mikey pleaded, scooting back and hugging his arms to his chest. “I didn’t cut, I really didn’t.”Leo slowly drew his hand back, confused and wary. “Okay… Mikey, can you show me what you did, please?”“I didn’t, I promise, please don’t tell anybody, you don’t have to— You don’t have to worry about me again, I promise, I promise it’s not like before, I’m fine—““Mikey?” Leo said softly, leaning forward. “Sweetheart, please calm down. It’s just me and you, okay? Just talk to me.”Mikey thrust his arms out, showing Leo almost fifty scrapes and scratches covering every inch of skin Mikey could find that wasn’t covered in… in the other scars.“See? See, I— I really didn’t, it’s just little scratches,” Mikey insisted, eyes wide and watery as he looked up at Leo. “It’s just— I-It’s just little scratches, they didn’t even bleed, I promise. Please don’t tell anyone. I promise I wasn’t gonna do anything bad, I wasn’t—“At a loss for words, Leo just opened his arms.Mikey fell into them, tucking his arms close to his chest as he pressed himself as close to his brother as he could. He wasn’t crying, yet, but Leo could hear him starting to sniffle quietly. All the while, he was mumbling pitifully, promising and pleading and so desperate to prove that he hadn’t done anything bad.Leo hugged him tightly, rocking back and forth. “Shh, shh… hey… c’mon, bud, it’s okay… I believe you, okay? I believe you. I’m not gonna tell anybody. It’s okay.”Mikey let out a frightened chirp, and Leo churred in response. His was never as deep or rumbly or soothing as Raph’s had always been, but it was still a sound that meant safety.Mikey’s tiny, scared chirps mixed with small sobs that jerked out of his chest and made his breath stutter.
Hurt scared sorry danger help sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry—
Leo pet the top of Mikey’s head and held him closer to his chest, churring all the while and even giving him a few soft chirps of his own.
Safe. It’s okay. I love you.
“Shhhh, shh, shh, oh, sweetheart, it’s okay… Angelito, shhh… You don’t have to be scared of me,” Leo whispered. “I’m not mad, and I’m not gonna tell. It’s all okay. I’ve got you. I’m here to help.”Mikey let out a wail, a tiny, childish little sound that made Leo hold him a little tighter. “I— I’m s… I’m so-hhh— sorr-ry, I’m s-sorry…”“I know, I know, it’s okay… Don’t talk right now, m’kay? You just breathe. I gotcha. Your favorite brother is right here,” Leo told him, hoping to coax a smile from him. “The guys are occupied with their own thing for a while, so we’ve got all the time you need. Just take some deep breaths.”Mikey’s crying didn’t quieten, but he took Leo’s advice and stopped trying to speak.Leo kept rocking him back and forth, whispering to him the whole time. “There you go, buddy, in and out. It’s okay. You’re safe, sunshine, it’s just you and me here. I’m not gonna let anything bad happen. I know last time something like this happened, it was really scary. I’m really proud of you for letting me help right now, okay? You’re so brave, Mikey. I’m sorry I startled you. It’s okay.”As he spoke, he could feel the tension slowly bleeding out of M— No, no, no. No. Not bleeding. Mikey’s not bleeding, Mikey’s fine. Not—Leo decided to take some deep breaths of his own, chuckling softly as he looked down at his little brother. “It’s okay…”“You… You promise this won’t be like last time?” Mikey whispered.Any relief Leo felt at hearing his voice sounding stronger was quickly drowned by the guilty pit in his stomach at his words.“Last time was bad,” Mikey mumbled. “I didn’t… I didn’t like that. Please don’t make me do that again. I’m really sorry.”“It’s not gonna be like last time,” Leo breathed. “I’m so sorry that was so bad for you. That’s never, ever going to happen again, Mikey. This isn’t gonna be like that.”He kissed the top of his head, gently rubbing his shell. “Listen to me, Mikey. You listening?”“M-Mhmm.”“I trust you. You’re not a burden. You’re not crazy, you’re not broken, you don’t have to hide this. You’re safe. No one is going to hurt you for asking for help. You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you, and you’re gonna be okay. You’re safe. I believe that you weren’t going to do it, just like you said. I trust you. It’s okay.”Mikey burst into a fresh wave of tears, practically climbing into Leo’s lap in an effort to get closer, now. Leo let him, smiling softly as he cradled his baby brother. “That’s right. I’m here. It’s all okay. You’re safe now.”This time, Leo stayed quiet, just shushing him occasionally or giving a reassuring chirp when Mikey looked up at him.He looked so lost, and scared, and it broke Leo’s heart to wonder how long he’d been feeling like this before now.When the tears calmed and Mikey didn’t seem so panicked, Leo spoke: “Hey, honey… You wanna tell me what you were doing? I promise, really, really, two-‘really’s-pinky-promise that I won’t be mad, and I believe that you weren’t gonna cut. But you were doing something, so can you talk to me about that?”Mikey was quiet for a long moment, long enough for dread to settle like a lump of ice in Leo’s chest.Then he whispered, “I really, really wanted to. I needed it. But… But I know I’d get my new wounds infected, or… or upset you guys, or get in trouble, and my hands still really hurt, so I wasn’t going to. Really, I wasn’t. But I— I hate my new stupid scars so much. I hate them. They’re so ugly.”Leo frowned. “Mikey, they’re not—““They are! And— A-And I can’t even see my old ones anymore. I was trying to— The other day, I was trying to count them, and I couldn’t. I don’t remember how many I have and I can’t see them well enough to count,” Mikey told him, his eyes filling with hot tears again. “They’re gone. They were mine and they’re gone and now all I have are these horrible ones that I didn’t want.”Mikey clenched his fists, pressing his head into Leo’s plastron until it started to hurt. “They were mine. You guys didn’t want them. You didn’t… You didn’t want me with them. But I did… I… I really liked them. That’s stupid, and… and I know I should work on it, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to. I loved them. They were mine. Even if I shouldn’t have had them, I did, and they were important, and they were mine, and they’re all gone now.”“Hey, hey…” Leo gently moved his hand between his plastron and Mikey’s head, brushing tears away while he was at it. “C’mon, bud, let’s not do that. Gonna make your head sore. And it’s… it’s not stupid, that you’re upset about this. They were really important, even if it was for a bad reason, and I understand that losing them must suck. You don’t have to feel stupid for that, it’s okay.”“I just wanted that back,” Mikey mumbled. He sounded so small and miserable that Leo almost started crying right along with him. “I don’t like the way I look now, Lee. I want— I want my old ones back and I want more. I want it all the time, so bad it hurts, and I don’t know what to do. It’s… It’s scary. But I really wasn’t gonna cut.”He held his arms out, looking up at Leo like he was expecting him to lash out in anger any moment.“I just… I just made some little scratches instead. They’ll go away in a day or two,” Mikey said quietly. “Just so I can have… so I can have marks that are mine again. I-I’m really sorry.”Leo stared at the marks. The jagged cracks from when Mikey had saved him. Between those, the thin, angry red lines, shallow slashes that Mikey had made.With a knife.Injuries, no matter how small, that his sweet, precious baby brother had cut into himself with a knife.“Lee?” a small voice asked, trembling and uncertain. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Please don’t… It’s okay, Leo, really. I’m okay. I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry.”Leo swallowed, clearing his throat and blinking hard to prepare for what he had to say.And immediately hunched over, body shivering with silent sobs, instead.A few tears dropped onto the floor beneath them, right next to the blade, and Mikey stared in horror. “Leo? Leo, Lee, c’mon, it’s okay! It’s okay, really, please don’t cry… I’m sorry…”“Mikey?” Leo croaked out.“Y-Yeah?”“I love you.”Mikey scooted back a little, surprised. “What?”“I love you. I love you so much,” Leo told him, frantic. “I’m so sorry.”“Leo, are you okay?”“No, no, Mikey, listen.” Leo reached out and carefully cupped Mikey’s face in his hands, cradling him like he might break. “You know you mean, like, everything to us, right? We love you. We all love you so, so much. I love you.”Mikey blinked at him, his lip starting to tremble. He wasn’t sure how he could cry any more, but it seemed that he could. “Leo, you’re… you’re kinda worrying me, a little,” he whispered. “You’re talking like I’m dying or something.”“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to— I just— It just kills me to see you like this,” Leo whispered. “I just… I love you so much, and I want to help, and I want you to know that. It just… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get… emotional; this is your moment.”“I’d probably get emotional if you did this, too,” Mikey said, finally cracking a smile and letting out a tiny, watery laugh. “It’s okay. I love you, too.”Mikey opened his arms, trying not to flinch at the way the overhead light revealed every hideous crack and crevice and tremor in his hands.Leo hugged him tightly, murmuring, “Thank you for talking to me. Seriously, thank you so much. You don’t even know how much that means to me. And I’m proud of you for not cutting. Like, seriously, I— I’m super proud of you, man. I love you so much.”“Aww, Lee, don’t— don’t do that, I’m gonna… I’m gonna cry again…” Mikey whined, giggling weakly as he scrubbed at his eyes.”Good,” Leo replied vehemently, prompting another laugh from his brother. “You need it, little bro. Seriously. Cry. If I’m crying and you’re not, I’m gonna look so stupid, so it’s really for my benefit, anyway—“Mikey pushed him away, laughing loud and bright and above the tears, now. “Leo!”Leo chuckled, wiping his eyes quickly. “What?”“You— It— You know what!” Mikey hissed through teeth that were bared in a wide grin.Leo sighed, disguising it as theatrics as he used the opportunity to suck in a deep breath. “I suppose I do. I totally cheered you up, though.”Mikey squinted skeptically at him. “Mm-hmm… Pretty sure I was cheering you up in the end, there.””Suuure you were.” Leo smiled, lightly punching Mikey’s shoulder. “You know what I think would cheer us both up?”“What’s that?”“How about… a brand-new movie we’ve never seen before… starring none other than Jupiter Jim?” Leo offered.Mikey gasped. “You found a new one? Is that— Oh, oh, no, that’s what you dropped, isn’t it… Ughhh, I’m so sorry… Now it’s all busted,” he said sadly, reaching out and hesitating, like he was afraid to touch the broken case.Normally, Leo would’ve sworn vengeance, or cried, or claimed he was going to commit arson, or something of the like. But now, he just shrugged, waving him off. “Nah, I think it’s just the case. The DVD’ll still work just fine.”“Are you sure? I’m really sor—““I’m sure! In fact, we really ought to bring it to the living room. Forgot to mention, but we’re doing a mandatory family movie night,” Leo said, standing up and grinning down at Mikey. “Raph and Donnie are already setting up a pillow fort…”Mikey beamed.Then hesitated, his smile faltering. “I… can’t.”Leo blinked. “What? No, what’s wrong? Why not?”“My… arms look bad. I don’t want them to see.”Leo frowned, tapping his foot lightly and looking around the room. “Hmm. Well, first, no, they don’t look bad. Just a little scraped up. But I understand why you’d want to keep them hidden, so… how about I go snag one of Don’s hoodies for you, mm?”Mikey nodded sheepishly. “Yeah. Yes. Please.”“You got it, bud. I’ll be back in a flash!”Leo grabbed his cane and hurried out to the living room (he could hurry! And his knee didn’t hurt that bad! He’d been practicing). He had to take a moment to be awestruck by his brothers’ pillow artistry, before shaking himself out of it and poking his head into the fort.Raph and Donnie were already comfortable inside, Donnie supported by a sea of pillows and Raph curled up next to him. They were laughing about something.“Hey, Donnie?”Donnie looked up, tilting his head quizzically.“Can Mikey borrow one of your hoodies? He’s having kind of a rough night, just feeling down, and I thought maybe he could use something cozy to snuggle up in,” Leo said, smiling innocently and hoping no one would ask if there was more to the story.Donnie frowned, glancing in the direction of Mikey’s room in concern before nodding sharply to Leo.“Aww. Poor little guy,” Raph hummed sympathetically. “Is he still up for a movie, or is it… is it bad?”“He’s up for a movie,” Leo assured him. “Just dealin’ with some nasty trauma stuff, ‘cause, y’know, aren’t we all? and I thought it’d be nice to make him more comfortable when he comes out here.”“Gotcha. Ooh, you should grab him one of my stuffies, too,” Raph suggested, sitting up. “One of the big teddy bears. He loves those.”Leo shot him a thumbs-up and a grateful smile. “Thanks, bro. We’ll be in here in a minute with the movie.”He grabbed a hoodie from Donnie’s closet (oversized, even on Donnie, so Mikey would practically be swimming in it) and the biggest teddy bear he could find in Raph’s room.When Leo returned to Mikey, he left the bear outside, just heading inside and offering the hoodie to his brother.Mikey accepted with a mumbled ‘thank you,’ sliding the hoodie on and letting the sleeves hang over his hands. He bunched up the excess and held it tightly in his fists, so that his arms were sealed inside.“You ready to go?” Leo asked softly, leaning on his cane in the doorway. “The guys know you’re not doing too great, but I didn’t tell them that anything happened. Just that you’re feeling down.”Mikey nodded. “Okay. Thanks.” He stood up slowly, wobbling a little and bracing himself on the doorframe.Before he could leave, though, Leo’s cane blocked his path. “Ah-ah-ah. Hang on. One more thing.”Mikey blinked, shrinking back a little like maybe Leo would finally get mad, scold him, insist he told the others, or—“I brought a friend.”Leo revealed the massive teddy bear he’d left outside the room, soft and pink and almost the size of Mikey’s whole body, and Mikey lit up. “Aww! Is that Raph’s?”Leo grinned. “Yep! Said you could borrow it, since you’re not feeling good.”Mikey hopped up and down a couple of times in delight, before scooping the bear up. He hugged it tightly, spinning around in place and giggling. “Awww, it’s so soft… C’mon! Let’s go, I gotta thank him—“Leo chuckled as Mikey took off down the hall, following him as quickly as he could.Raph and Donnie only got an instant of warning as Mikey swept open the blanket ‘door’ of the pillow fort, before he’d lunged inside and tackled Raph in a hug. “Hi! Thank you…”Raph laughed, sitting up and maneuvering Mikey into his lap. “No problem, big guy. I’m glad you like her.”Mikey beamed, settling back against Raph’s plastron and hugging the teddy bear in his lap. He waved at Donnie. “Hi, Don! Thank you for the hoodie.”Donnie’s gaze remained forward, focused on nothing in particular, but he wore a fond smile, and nodded in acknowledgement.Leo leaned down to walk through the blanket doorway, letting out an exaggerated, old-man-esque groan as he slowly lowered himself to the ground and propped his feet up.His dramatic wheezing and moaning got a snort of laughter out of Donnie, and Mikey started giggling.Mission accomplished, Leo smiled to himself and got to work setting the movie up.A few minutes later, as Mikey was leaning forward to excitedly point out a small detail in Jupiter Jim’s costume, Donnie frowned and signaled for Leo to pause the movie.Mikey turned back, blinking in surprise. “Hm?”Donnie pointed to Mikey’s mask, where it was still damp, then moved back to sign, tracing a finger under each of his own eyes.Mikey winced. “Yeah. Um… Yeah, I cried. I… Yeah, I really wasn’t doing great earlier,” he mumbled. “I’m feeling better now, though. Leo helped. And you guys did, too.”Raph smiled. “Aw. Glad we could help out.”Donnie nodded, signing, “Anytime.”“And if you wanna talk about it, we’re here, got it?” Raph told him, jokingly stern. “No bottling things up in this house. This is a safe space.”Mikey laughed, though Leo looked up, noticing that the sound was watery. “Aw. Thanks, guys. I… I don’t think I wanna talk about it, but that really… that really helps. And it means a lot. That you’d… y’know. Thank you.”Mikey was starting to pull back into his shell, embarrassed by how sniffly he was getting.Donnie sighed loudly, rolling his eyes, and yanked his little brother into a tight hug.Mikey attached himself to Donnie like a baby koala almost before Donnie had gotten his arms around him, whining. “Guys… you made me cry…”“Let it out, little dude,” Raph said solemnly. “If you want, I’ll cry, too.”Mikey reached out behind him blindly to swat at Raph. “Stop it…”“I mean it. You’re sad and I’m concerned. You just gotta say the word, bro,” Raph told him. “I’ll bawl my eyes out like a boss.”Mikey rubbed at his eyes, giggling into Donnie’s shoulder. “N-No, Raphie, don’t cry… it’s okay… I’m sorry…”Raph blinked hard, and then there were tears in his eyes. “Too late, Mikey. It’s started.”“Wait— Wait, really? No, I thought you were joking— No! Don’t be sad! It’s okay!” Mikey said frantically, trying to pull away from Donnie.Donnie hugged him tighter, giving him a stern flick to the back of the head to make sure he stayed put. With his other hand, he snapped at Leo, pointing to Raph.The command was clear, and Leo crawled over to snuggle up next to Raph. “Alright, big guy, let it out.”Raph put an arm around Leo, and easily scooped up both of the youngest brothers with one hand. He tucked them close to his other side, with Mikey still held securely in Donnie’s lap.Mikey looked up at Raph, his eyes big and sparkling with tears. “I’m sorry, Raph,” he warbled childishly, speaking through pitiful sniffles.Raph blinked hard, trying and utterly failing to slow the tears pouring down his face. “It’s okay, Mikey… I’m just really proud of ya for lettin’ us help…”Leo’s eyes were getting misty, too, though he refused to acknowledge it. “Aww, guys… Look at us, being all vulnerable and sweet. That’s progress!”He leaned over and gave each of his brothers a quick kiss on the cheek, making sure to subject Donnie to an extra long and obnoxious smooch.It had its desired effect: drawing a giggle out of Mikey.The laugh trailed off quickly, though, and Mikey snuggled closer to Donnie with a sleepy hum. “I think… I maxed out on the vulnerability, a little,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “Tonight’s kinda been…”“A lot?” Leo offered, smiling softly. He already had a blanket in hand, reaching to drape it over Mikey.“Mm… Mm-hmm. Yeah. A lot,” Mikey whispered. “Can we finish the movie tomorrow?”Donnie nodded, taking the blanket from Leo and gently tucking Mikey into a cozy blanket burrito in his lap.Raph scooped them both up again, helping them get comfy on a pile of pillows. “Yeah, buddy, ‘course we can,” he whispered. “Just get some rest. We’re all here to help.”“Yeah,” Leo murmured, curling up next to them. “You’re safe. Everything’s gonna be just fine.”Donnie nodded, nuzzling his snout into Mikey’s neck with uncharacteristic softness. He pulled his blanket burrito baby brother as close as he could, churring protectively.Mikey smiled, letting his eyes drift shut. “I love you guys. Thanks for… for makin’ me… feel safe. You’re… you’re the best…”Raph joined their snuggle circle, lying down just a few inches away like Leo had. “Sweet dreams, Mikey.”And just like that, Mikey was out like a light. The knowledge that his brothers were surrounding him on all sides—to protect, to keep him safe, not to make him feel trapped, never to make him feel trapped—and the quiet permission to rest, were enough to drop his guard and allow him to relax.He was safe.He wasn’t crazy, he wasn’t broken, he didn’t have to hide when he was hurting.He was safe.No one was going to hurt him for asking for help.His brothers thought he was brave, and they were proud of him.And he was going to be okay.