Work Text
Will wanted to be with James more than their current schedules allowed, the distance between them and busy lives left him pining for James’ touch and companionship. He wanted to hear James’ keys in his door lock, or come home to James’ warm embrace, to kiss him and ask how his day had been. He longed to wake up every morning with James just inches from him, instead of the lonely miles that spanned between them. He knew he sounded needy, and his neediness turned to frustration, leading them both to repeat the same conversation that came around every few weeks, when one of them missed the other. After another rough week, Will’s voice had more bite than he intended.“If you think we should break up James, then just say that!” Will shouted, agitatedly striding around the office, clutching his phone tightly to his ear. “That isn’t what I said,” James replied wearily on the other end of the line.“Well you’re saying you can’t move back here, which I didn’t fucking ask you to. And you won’t let me move there. So what fucking future is that?”“I’m not really looking at the future, Will!”Will halted. “What?”“No, no, that didn’t come out how I meant it to,” Will heard James groan on the other line and could picture him moving his glasses up his head to pinch at his eyes. “I’m just enjoying what we have now.”“I feel like you’re pushing me away. You won’t even consider meeting me halfway, like?”“You know I can’t do that right now.”“And you never will by the fucking sound of things,” Will wanted nothing more than to spend his whole life with James. And now all of his plans were unravelling before him.“We have this exact same fight every time we’re apart, and it’s tiring. Maybe we should just end this now.”Will took a second to process the words, and hung up immediately, throwing his phone out of reach instinctively, as if it hurt to hold. His heart thudded in his ears and he pressed his fists to his eyes, pushing back the uninvited tears and the lump in his throat. James clearly didn’t see a future with Will.He had barely survived his last break up, the downward spiral sending his life into a temporary trainwreck that only James had been able to protect him from. It had been James who was there for him to help pick up the pieces. He had accompanied Will to every night club while he drank (and snorted) most of his feelings away, getting lost in the bodies of strangers hoping they’d take the pain away. James never judged him, just let him work out the anxiety that itched beneath his skin, occasionally steering him away from a mistake too far. It had been James who had helped him move into a new flat, and stayed with him through the first week when Will was too afraid to be on his own, so consumed with negative thoughts he was afraid he would lose himself to them. It was James who stayed, while all his other friends abandoned him, unable to deal with his morose and unpredictable moods. And now even James had left him, his neediness pushing another person away. He was on his own, and he didn’t have James this time. Not being able to handle another moment in his own head, he turned off his phone and went down the hall to hopefully twist Chris’ arm into having an early finish and a long drink.----When Will woke up the next day, he was still wearing the previous nights’ clothes and he could smell the nightclub on him, the stale smoke and spilt beer made him feel nauseous. He reluctantly peeled himself out of the bedsheets and rubbed at his face, feeling the too-long stubble and wincing at the pain in his head. He leaned over to grab his phone, checking the time, to see it was still switched off. He pressed the button to bring it to life and threw it back down on the bed as it loaded up, as he went off to the bathroom to survey the damage. In the mirror, his sleep clouded eyes looked tired and drawn and his skin was pale. He was dishevelled, his hair sticking up in so many directions that potentially even a hat wouldn’t cover it. There was a stain on his hoodie, a reminder of whatever liquid he’d been holding when someone bumped into him. He was surveying the damage and trying to decide whether he needed to be sick when he heard his phone start to vibrate rapidly, lighting up from its abandoned place on the bed. As he saw the various names appear on the screen, the previous night came back to him, albeit tainted by an intoxicated mind. George. George had tried to kiss him on camera, but Will had pushed him away, changing the subject quickly by insisting that it was George’s round for shots. But by the time they hit the nightclub, Will was lost under the bright lights, searching for someone to ground him. He needed to not be alone, he needed familiarity, touch. Affection.And George had been there, willing and equally needy, as Will crushed their lips together, their teeth clashing clumsily, desperate for something he was too inebriated to understand. George’s hands had held Will firmly at the hips, while Will pulled at George’s neck, dragging him as close as possible, in a futile attempt to bury his feelings in the kiss. It was messy and frantic, and nothing like kissing James. Will hands fisted in the soft curls of George’s hair, damp from sweat. Chris had come up to them, demanding an explanation. Will remembered turning on him, sharply, shouting something about the break up. He can’t remember if he made much sense, but Chris seemed to leave them to it, occasionally looking over from the other side of the bar with a disappointed glare. Will isn’t sure which one of them it was aimed at. Now he was faced with a phone brimming with messages from George, Chris and just one from James. Will quickly skimmed over the messages from George and Chris making sure there was no bigger fall out from the kiss, but it seemed no-one else had seen them, so he abandoned his phone once again and headed for the shower. The message from James could wait until he felt a bit more stable. Will stood under the scalding spray of the water, until it was too hot, hoping to melt away the previous night and his hangover. The nightclub stamp was burning though him like a brand; a constant reminder of what he had done. He scrubbed at it until his skin was red and stinging. It did nothing to erase the guilt and memory of kissing George, and the memory of his fight with James was as raw in his mind as his skin. All it did was make him dizzy.Suddenly, the air was sucked violently from his lungs as the rest of the night came back to him in a barrage of nightmarish flashbacks.After a few more shots, their kisses had turned desperate and wanton, and Will had dragged George to the bathroom, wanting to get the feeling of James off his body, and pretend the last few months of real love and affection had never happened. Maybe the quicker he erased it, the less it would hurt this time. Will’s back was thrown against the inside of the cubicle door, still rattling as George sank to his knees. Will’s fingernails dug into his palms at the memory of George looking up at him through slutty eyelashes, not taking the time or patience to take Will apart like James did, the rough scraping of teeth from George’s drunken forgotten instincts causing him to wince. It was rushed and sloppy, and Will is certain he never came. The last thing he remembered was stumbling out of the club and into an Uber alone. He could barely breathe, the air in the bathroom now thick from the scalding water, his heart hammering in his chest. He loved James. All he wanted to do was go to James begging on his knees until they were bruised and bloody, but he couldn’t face rejection again.Will turned the shower off with a sigh, once his chest had stopped pounding, and wrapped a towel around himself. James’ towels were always soft, his own were always stiff. He hated it. He hated himself.He took a deep breath and opened the message from James. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ‘end it’ like break up. I meant let's end the call and come back to it, we were going round in circles. Shall I come and see you this weekend and we can talk about it properly? I love you xHe stared at his phone before scrambling around his room to throw on any clothes he could find, the fabric clinging to his still-wet skin. James hadn’t broken up with him.And now he’d fucked it all up. ----Will rapped on James’ door, slightly out of breath, his heart hammering in his chest. He had spent the entire journey thinking about how he had thought James saw no future with him, and so he had planned to drink until he forgot he would be waking up alone for the rest of his life. And it all turned out to be crossed wires. James opened the door and Will barged in, tears already streaming from his eyes, “I thought you’d broken up with me. And you didn’t.” Will was hyperventilating between sobs. “And now I’ve fucked it all up, James I’m sorry, I'm so fucking sorry-”James looked alarmed at the state that Will had turned up on his doorstep, and quickly guided him to the sofa to try and get more sense out of him. “George and I kissed…and…” Will let the sentence hang there, not wanting to go into more detail. His stomach churned and bile started to rise as the memories replayed themselves again.James’ eyes darkened immediately as the situation sunk in, his brain conjuring unwelcome images of Will bent over a strange bed and moaning wantonly as George plowed into him, that stupid smile mocking him, even in his own mind.“What, so we fight and you go running straight to George fucking Clarke?” James spat as he stood up, a towering presence over Will, who was beginning to curl in on himself on the sofa, his knees bent to his chest and his arms around his shins. For a short while, James had taken Will’s broken heart and given it back mended, with a spark for life in it again. He’d started to believe there was something more than just the hollow cavity that had been there for so long. Now he could only watch as he saw James’ heart break right in front of him, knowing he was solely to blame. “Were you at least safe?” James said slowly, enunciating each word carefully, not wanting to have to repeat himself. He couldn’t look at Will as he asked, he didn’t want to know the answer. He had to know the answer.Will frowned, confused. “No-one saw us, if that’s what you mean?”“You know what I mean Will.”“I…I really don’t.” And he didn’t, too upset to comprehend the meaning in James’ question. Was James asking if he had taken anything?James planted both of his palms on the kitchen counter and leaned forward. “Did you fucking use protection?”Realisation dawned on Will, and he could have laughed if he wasn’t so distraught. His mouth dropped open and the words caught in his throat as he tried to work out how to untangle the wires that had become even more crossed in their awful attempts at communication.“We didn’t have sex, James,” Will swallowed and averted his eyes, “We kissed and-” he squeezed his eyes shut, desperate to not have to say the words aloud, “He sucked my dick in the club bathroom.”James took a sharp breath, regarding Will with an intense stare, an unrecognisable sharpness in his eyes. Will thought that, in this moment, he didn’t look like the James he knew; he thought he could see the hurt eating at James from the inside out. "How did this even happen?” James asked carefully, his anger being meticulously restrained. Will tugged his sleeves further over his hands and was rolling the fabric between his fingers, anything to distract himself. “I don’t know. We were at Inferno and we were really fucking drunk. And George was being…George. I think maybe he was trying to make Chris jealous, I don’t know.” Will scrubbed at his eyes with his sleeve as his voice began to break. “I thought we’d broken up and I was all over the place-”“This isn’t fucking Friends, Will! We weren’t on a break!”Will flinched at James’ anger, not used to seeing it, nevermind being on the receiving end. He knew this was his fault. He had felt like his world was being pulled apart at the seams, and he had spiralled without any hope of landing softly. “I know, I’m sorry, James. I went into self-destruct mode because I didn’t think I could handle-” his voice cracked on the last word, and he hung his head, giving up on his explanation. He knew it all just sounded like excuses. He didn’t think he couldn’t handle losing James and being left alone again, he just wanted James to end this now so he could take what was left of himself and bury himself in the darkness of his own making. James looked away and drummed his fingers on the counter before resuming his pacing. Will couldn’t handle it anymore. He stood up and crossed the room, sharply turning towards the door. James grabbed at him before he could get past the threshold into the hallway. “No, no!” James spun Will around to face him, despite the smaller man refusing to meet his eyes, “Stop. Running. Away.” He punctuated each word with a light shake of Will’s arm, careful not to squeeze too tight, “We need to talk about this.”Will turned into the grasp, wanting to cling onto James. He was drowning with every second, his lungs filling up with anguish as he tried to fight for breath, and only James could save him.James sharply pushed himself out of Will’s grip, and held his hands out in front of him as he backed away until his back hit the table. “I-I need to think.This is…a lot.”Will looked down at his shoes through blurry, puffy eyes, and nodded.James sagged, letting out a drawn out sigh. “You can take my room, you look fucking exhausted. Go get some sleep or something. I’ll make us something to eat and we can talk about this properly, okay?”James’ voice was filled with softness that Will didn’t think he deserved, and this only caused more tears to spill down his face. Not wanting to let James see him cry again, Will nodded timidly and headed off in the direction of the bedroom. Will lay down on James’ bed and curled up in the sheets, letting the tears fall freely as the memories came back to him of them cuddled up together in the same place just a week ago. He buried his face in the pillow letting himself get lost in the distinct smell of James; the light vanilla scent of his favourite shampoo. Will balled his fists tightly, quiet sobs wracking his body, as he realized the mess he had made of everything, and desperately willed time to go back twenty-four hours ago so he could pretend this never happened. It was taking all of his strength to stay here, every instinct in his body was telling him to leave and run away. He stayed, because James told him to. It was about time he listened. They had both been there for each other through their own respective heartbreaks. James’ needing comfort and encouragement, a reminder that he was worth more than what he believed he was.Will remembered feeling shocked when James confessed his insecurities after his worst break up; Will looked up to him for being so seemingly confident, loud in his personality and unashamedly himself, the idea that on the inside he was teeming with insecurity was heart-breaking. After that, Will had always made a point of vocalising his pride in James’ achievements, however small. Will thought James hung the moon, and he never let him forget it whether it was with words or gestures. And now he had broken James’ heart in the same way.Will wasn’t sure when sleep overtook him, but the back of his head was damp against the pillow when he woke and he felt drained. He wasn’t even sure he had the energy to cry anymore. He realized it was morning, and gently padded out of the bedroom to not wake James who, based on the blankets and rumpled pillows, had taken the very small sofa. James was already awake in the kitchen, staring off into the distance, a half peeled but uneaten mandarin on the counter. Will noted with a punch to the gut that his eyes were rimmed with redness that hadn’t been there the previous day. James hadn’t even looked at him when he spoke. “Why?” James’ voice was raw. “What do you want me to say, James? It’s all going to sound like an excuse.”“I want you to tell me why. And why him.”Will sat down gingerly on the bar stool, and James instinctively moved backwards to lean on the counter behind him. “It-it could have been anyone. I didn’t go out my way to find him, he was just…there. He tried to kiss me on camera,” Will was awkwardly playing with his fingers, “and after a few more shots it seemed like the best way to forget. I’m not saying it makes sense, but at the time…” he dared to look up at James who had his arms folded, looking down at the floor, “I thought I’d pushed away the one person I needed the most and I was so fucking far past rock bottom, brother.” James winced at their usual term of endearment. Will’s voice cracked. “I’m so sorry James. I wish I could take it back.” he looked down and bit his lip in an attempt to force back the tears. His voice became the tiniest whisper, “Are we going to be okay?”The silence hung thick in the air, and Will held his breath waiting for James to say something. Anything. “I think you should leave,” James finally replied, barely audible. “I need to…” James sighed and rubbed at his face, moving his glasses on to his forehead out of the way. Will hadn’t given him a chance to finish the sentence. He was already out the door and hurtling head first into his journey to find out what lay beyond rock bottom. ----When Will and James had first changed numbers many years ago after they filmed their first video together, they had started an unbroken tradition of texting each other goodnight. It had been something they had even kept up with when James was on tour or Will was travelling and in different time zones. It had been something Will had clung to during his first real break up. From having such a long relationship to suddenly being thrown into long days and nights alone in a new and empty flat, he cherished that one moment of normality. That, despite everything he felt about himself, someone still cared about him. Not just anyone; James. There were sometimes moments when the darkness became all too consuming where he thought about ending it all, but he would think about the idea of James waiting for a text that never came, and somehow it would give him the strength to keep going. Since James had asked him to leave following their emotional conversation six days earlier, Will had text him every night, keeping to their long standing tradition. But by the seventh night, it had reached 11:45pm and there was still no message. James kept checking his phone; he had been checking it all night. James found he was left with questions and no answers, because he never thought he would be here. He’s still not sure if Will had been drunk and horny, or hurt and scared. He wished he could take back what he said that day on the phone; that he'd called Will straight back. Maybe then he wouldn't feel like the ghost of George still lingered on Will's skin.Will didn't need to know James had called George, demanding to know every detail. Somehow it hurt less hearing it from George than from the man he loved. George had told him everything, between frantic and heartfelt apologies once he found out the break up was only a misunderstanding. There was a constant feeling of something, pooling low in his stomach, below all the anger and sadness. Something akin to jealousy, but not quite; something that made him want to smother Will's body with his own and claim him back. He palmed at himself through his sweatpants, already half hard at the thought of Will on his hands and knees while James thrust into him, George only allowed to stand and watch as James reminded him who Will belonged to. He dug his hand forcefully into his boxers, wanting to work the anger out on himself. He hadn't touched himself in days, and it didn't take long for his cock to harden at the vigorous strokes. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as he came, shame flooding his entire being as he arched into his hand. He wiped at the mess half-heartedly with a discarded pair of boxers on the floor, before curling in on himself and crying, hugging the pillow Will usually used. At one minute to midnight, James sent off his own goodnight message. He realized he wasn’t ready to let go of Will, the tradition, and everything else they had.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The journey back to London had felt like an eternity and the dreary, wet weather had done nothing to improve his mood. James had conceded to himself that the 5:10am train was far too early, so he had pottered around his flat filling his morning with pointless tasks and bothering Otto until a more acceptable train at 8:52am departed. He huddled by Will's front door, his raincoat dripping unceremoniously onto the doormat, and tried to gather the nerve to start a conversation he didn’t know the end to.The hollow knock of the door seemed to echo throughout the hallway, and James tried not to be too alarmed when there was no reply. After a few more unanswered attempts, he found himself turning the spare key he had in the lock, anxiety prickling under his skin at the thought of what might greet him when he entered. Instead, his foot instantly clattered against a box, strangely filled with mostly full bottles of alcohol. The impact of his heavy boot caused the neck to smash off one of them, but fortunately one of the emptier ones. With no liquid to clear up, James awkwardly nudged the majority of the shards towards the box with a resolve to clean it up properly later, however a new jolt of fear passed through him as he realized Will hadn’t made his presence known after the collision with the glass. The flat was silent. It looked tidy, and there seemed to be evidence of life, going by the plate and mug next to the sink, and little to no evidence that Will had spiralled. The blinds were open and there were no take away boxes or piled up mess. The air wasn't filled with the stagnant dust of someone who had locked themselves away.Nervously, James peered into each room of the flat, his stomach lurching with each one, to find that the entire place was empty. He stood stiffly in the living room and just as he was starting to consider calling Will, and berating himself for not letting him know he was on his way over, the front door opened and James could hear the tinny sound of music coming through headphones.The addition of heavy breathing calmed James’ nerves as he realized Will had only been out for a run. How far though, was anyone’s guess. Will running wasn't always an indication of his current mental health status being positive, but at least he wasn't festering in bed, letting the negative thoughts overwhelm him.Footsteps made their way towards the living room and James was frozen to the spot knowing there was no way to alert the other man of his presence. Will entered the room calmly and their eyes met, before Will flinched like a startled cat, sending rogue water droplets from rain-wet hair flying in all directions; his flailing limbs failing to capture a solid surface and his lungs struggling against his already heavy breaths. “Jesus Fucking Christ, lad! You scared the shit out of me!” Will exclaimed after he crossed the threshold into the room, clutching his chest with one hand after he’d pushed his headphones off. His voice turned soft as the initial shock wore off. “What are you doing here?”James didn’t know how to encapsulate everything he had spent the past 8 days thinking about into words, so instead he dumbly pointed at the box by the door. “I tripped over that and smashed one. Sorry.”Will looked behind him at the box and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “No worries, lad. They're for Mikey anyway. Thought I'd knock drinking on the head for a bit, seemed better to not have them in the flat.”At this, James raised an eyebrow, surprised. Will sighed and continued. “Not strictly, I'll still try stuff on videos” he paused, “and I won't kick off about a tiramisu-”“I didn't kick off. I was very reasonable.” he sounded weary, but still with a hint of amusement.A small smile tugged at Will's lips, “I know.” He sighed and ran his hand through his drenched hair, pushing away the damp clusters that had stuck to his forehead. “Drinking my feelings away is over for me, brother. It doesn't end well.”“I could have told you that.” James paused, “In fact I have. Many times.”Will leaned back heavily against the door frame, still in shock that James was really here in front of him. Neither of them spoke for a moment, relishing the fact that they were finally in the same room again. During their eight days apart, James had many fitful night's sleep, dragged violently into nightmares of finding Will in circumstances neither of them could come back from. It was a relief to finally see him in the flesh, confirming his worst fears hadn't come to fruition, but James could still see the weariness radiating off Will's entire being; his tired, fragile frame looking out of place in his modern flat with its pops of colour. The damp clothes from his run clung to his slender body, reminding James how devastatingly fragile Will was. He knew the time apart had put Will on a tightrope, without James there to catch him. But he had needed the time to catagorise his thoughts and tamp down the hurtful words he knew he wouldn't be able to take back if he tipped over the edge. James watched as a water droplet ran down Will's forehead, continuing its path down his nose, and he couldn't help but think that two weeks prior he would have wiped it away and put a soft kiss in its place.“We need to talk.” James said carefully. “Do you want to…” he gestured at the wet clothes.Will looked down at his body, seemingly so overwhelmed by James’ presence he had forgotten he was trembling, wrapped in cold, soaked fabric.“I'll just throw something on. Can shower later,” he mumbled, walking to the bedroom. He emerged a few moments later, towelling off his damp hair in one of his favourite loose quadrant t-shirts and light jeans, taking a seat on the sofa. It didn’t escape James that Will purposely took the opposite end. Will bent forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he played with his rings. James ached to touch him; take him into his arms and let everything be forgotten. But he knew there was a bigger conversation to be had first, and James didn't know how to get through to Will that every time he runs away, he takes a part of James with him. James forced himself to take a deep breath. “You know I don’t…cheating is a dealbreaker for me, you know that.” “I know. I'm so sorry, James.” Will said, his voice barely audible. “I’m sorry too.” James looked over at Will, who’s frown had deepened, clearly wondering what James had to be sorry for. “I’m sorry I made you think we had broken up. I didn’t communicate very well-”“We both didn’t, brother.”“Well…yes, that was my next point.” James’ mouth pressed into a hard line before he continued. “Will, you need to talk to me. You talk to Chris about things to do with us before I even find out about it. You ask other people for advice. You run everytime something difficult comes up.” James’s voice cracked as he tried to not let too much of his emotion break through, “I need you to let me all the way in. If this is ever going to work, you need to stop leaving me in the dark."Will lifted his head up to look at James, “If this is going to work?” There was a hopeful note to his voice.“I'd like it to.” James whispered, not wanting to break the fragility of the moment. “I’m still…my head is a mess, but I miss you, and I know it was a mistake. But you can’t keep running from everything.” Will twisted one of his rings, slipping it off his fingers and back on, a tell James knew meant Will was struggling to open up about something important. For a brief moment, James’ heart dropped at the thought that maybe Will had lost himself in someone else's bed during their week apart.“I got a therapist.” Will paused as he chewed at his bottom lip. James had therapy when he moved to Brighton and had often told Will the benefits it had, but he never expected him to go of his own volition, no matter how much James thought it would help. Will continued, switching his focus to another ring. “It’s been a bit of a wake up call to be honest. I’ve never been good at being on my own, even outside of…us” he winced a little as the fate of their relationship still remained unknown.“Good. That's probably a long time coming.” It came out sharper than James intended and he could see Will shrink into himself. “I think that's great, Will.” He added, softer this time. “Yeah, should have done that a while ago.”James looked at Will, properly. He was so used to people throwing him empty promises, saying anything they thought James wanted to hear interspersed with rehearsed apologies. But here was Will, making changes for the better without even being asked. He wasn't like the others that had come before and he knew it. Will was Mr Grand Gesture, always going the extra eighty-eight miles to prove to James how much he loved him. Most others would have Uber’d and asked James to foot the bill.James took a deep breath, steadying himself. “I want a future with you. I didn't word it very well at the time, and I'm sorry, I know we've both sacrificed what we want in relationships before, and I don't want that for us. But we can't do anything if we don't talk.”“I guess, in my head, if I don't bare my soul and all that, it'll hurt less when you get sick of me eventually.” He shrugged miserably, “Can still keep some of my pride in the end that way.”James felt like he had been punched in the gut. “Why would I get sick of you?” At this, Will seemed to bubble over with pent up anxiety and stood up abruptly, pacing the floor in front of James, erratically gesticulating with each word.“Because I'm a fucking idiot. Who hears you say we should end it and doesn't think further than that, and goes and does fuckin, stupid-” Will squeezed his eyes shut, “things with George and-” his fists were clenched tightly at his sides, the anger at himself radiating off him, “doesn't think that you'd still say you want me after an argument like that, because why the fuck would you want me after I've yelled at you, and why again after I fucked the whole thing up in a dingy club bathroom- just because I was…” he trailed off, losing his momentum and slumping his shoulders, his eyes welling with the start of fresh tears.James could barely hear over the sound of his own heartbeat drumming in his ears, his stomach sinking with a turbulent nausea. Will didn’t deserve to tear himself apart like this when they were both to blame. James was done with talking, he wanted to feel the weight of Will in his arms and kiss away the pain of the last week. Everything else could wait.James stood up and firmly put his hands on Will's shoulders. “Will. Look at me.”Will looked up, a scared vulnerability being mirrored back to him in James’ eyes. James gripped him tighter, relishing in inhaling the familiar scent of him; the sweat was still fresh on him from the run, which James found surprisingly intoxicating. He stepped far past the barrier of Will’s personal space, taking back the place he knew was his. “You are mine.”Before Will could reply, James' mouth was on his, hard, his tongue parting Will's lips without invitation or patience. His hands moved up and anchored themselves in Will's hair, possessively clutching at him.The love and lingering jealousy swirled together to create a torrent inside James, and before he knew it, James had his fists bunched in Will's shirt, pushing him up against the wall. Seemingly understanding quickly what James needed from him, Will became pliant in his arms, letting James bracket him into the hard surface, pinning him in place while he flicked Will’s belt open with quick fingers.He fiercely palmed at Will's cock, letting him buck feverishly into his hand, but it wasn't enough to erase the thoughts of dirty club bathrooms. James drew back slightly, a bare sliver of space between them, and sank down to his knees. Will looked down at James, and James saw the flicker of recognition and unspoken apologies flash across his face. Will dropped his head back against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut as James pulled down the zipper and released Will’s throbbing cock, a string of precum stretching from the tip to Will’s boxers until it snapped, leaving the head glistening. James looked up, eyes hooded with lust, blazing. "Look at me, Will."Will forced his head back with a jerk, staring into James' eyes through blown pupils and shaken breaths. The man before him is barely that - more a lost, pitiful creature stood on the edge of the world, waiting and praying for someone to take him by the hand and pull him away from the precipice. The angry and jagged cliff is built out of his own shame, and James can see it weighing him down as it tries to lull him over the side. Will's jaw clenches as he attempts to swallow his guilt, hands shaking with exertion where they're fisted by his side."It's okay." James whispered.As James slid his lips over the sensitive skin, his pulse thudded in his ears as he tried not to think of the mouth that had been here before him. He tried not to think of the neon lights bouncing off Will’s hip bones as unfamiliar hands gripped sinfully at the slight curve there, making him whimper George’s name. He squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to force away the imagery of Will speaking dirty praise, fingers gripped in unruly curls, while saliva drooled over George’s swollen, slutty lips.James abruptly pulled off and sat back on his heels, pressing a clenched fist to his mouth. He knows this isn’t how it happened, but his thoughts continued to betray him with torturous imagery, burning it into the back of his eyelids so it couldn't be forgotten.Without any hesitation, Will dropped to the floor and put his hands on James’ shoulders protectively, after discreetly tucking himself back into his jeans. “I’m so-”“If you fucking apologise again, Will…” he trailed off, the threat not necessary.Will sighed and scooched up closer, awkward limbs splayed around James’, hands delicately stroking circles into his lower back. James bit back a fresh onslaught of tears and let his head fall to the side so it rested on Will’s wayward curls, and forced himself to take several deep breaths to steady himself. He wanted nothing more than to go back and erase all the memories of the past week; the internal war in his head becoming exhausting. But here, hearing Will’s breathing in his ear, and the heat from his body against his skin, the cracks and splinters begin to mend themselves.They stayed like that for what could have been hours, but was likely only minutes, before Will’s small voice broke the silence. “Are we going to be okay?”“Yeah. We will.” It was the most sure James had felt, despite everything that had just unfolded, but if there was anyone he was willing to take the risk for, it was Will. He knew it wouldn’t be forgotten overnight, but Will wasn’t like the other people who had hurt him so recklessly with no remorse. Will threw himself at James, wrapping his arms haphazardly around him despite their awkward position on the floor. “Please don’t leave me.” Will mumbled into the fabric of James’ shirt. “Even if we can’t work this out and we’re not together, I need you in my life. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.” James grabbed Will’s shoulders and manhandled him so they were face to face. “How many times do I have to look you in the eyes and tell you I’m yours. In whatever capacity that might be. I am not leaving you, I love you, you fucking idiot.”Will looked startled to have suddenly been grabbed so sharply, but instantly softened as the words sunk in. “I love you too.”“Good. Then fucking kiss me because I’ve missed you so much.” James demanded, his eyes beginning to prick with tears, exhausted from the emotions of the past week. The kiss was softer than the bruising clashing of lips from earlier, and James enjoyed the slow swirling of tongues as the tension melted between them. They stumbled to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes in their wake in a desperate bid to press bare skin together, both achingly hard and rutting against each other as they fell into bed. “James...I want you to…” Will trailed off breathlessly between kisses, looking at James hopefully. “Will, sweetheart, you're going to have to use your words because you usually want me to do a lot of things.”“I want you to fuck me.” As soon as the words left Will’s mouth, a slight flush spread down his neck, surprised at himself for the sudden confession. James swallowed thickly. "You don't have to do that just because-""No no. It's not that. I've wanted to for a while. I'm just a fucking moron who didn't know how to say it."A small smile tugged at James' lips. "You're definitely a moron," he leaned down to press a chaste kiss to Will's lips, "but are you sure? We've not done that before...""I know. I've tried...by myself, like." Will's neck turned a deeper shade of red, spreading to his chest as he spoke, and James thought he couldn't be more enamoured by his coyness, "But it wasn't right. I think it would be better with you.""Okay." James replied after a pause, his heart racing at the thought of Will trying, and failing, to use a dildo by himself and getting frustrated with it. He wasn’t wrong, it never feels as good as the real thing. James opened Will up with careful, practised movements. They had done this before and James found it was the quickest way to turn Will into an incoherent mess. And tonight was no different as he had now been reduced to high pitched sounds and feverish writhing on James’ skilled fingers. The sweat still clung to Will’s skin and James found it intoxicating, a sweet earthy smell he could only describe as being undeniably Will. He layered small bites along his collarbone, tongue darting into the dip and sucking on the fragile skin, making Will shudder beneath him."C-can...another one?" Will barely managed to speak through his whimpers of pleasure, and as James added a third finger he wrapped a large hand around Will's cock, already slick with pre-cum. The sound Will made was guttural as he squeezed his eyes shut and thrust harder into James’ hand, desperate for relief. James’ vision swam at the sight of Will looking utterly debauched under him. Will put a hesitant hand over James’, stopping the blissful movements. “Fucking hell, I’ll cum if you carry on…can you…I’m ready.”James smiled mischievously. “Ready for what?” he asked, voice laced with faux innocence. He gave a quick flick of his wrist, thumb sliding over the underside of Will’s cock, causing him to let out a startled gasp. “I thought I told you baby, you have to use your words.” James purred. “Can't-fuck, can't speak if you keep doing that, dickhead.” Will groaned as he swallowed dryly, glaring at James. “Can you fuck me now…” his voice sounded ragged, but his features softened. “Please?” Eager eyes looked up at James, overwhelmed with desperation. James removed his fingers slowly followed by a quiet whimper from Will, clearly already missing the feeling. James sat back on his heels and slicked himself up with lube, letting his head drop back and letting out a langious moan as he gave his dick a few short strokes to coat the length. He knew Will would be watching him hungrily and he wanted to put on a show. Once he was ready, James leaned back down over Will, gently pushing his legs apart. “Please tell me if you want me to stop.” James cupped Will’s chin in his hand, determined to have his full attention. “This isn’t a punishment, Will, there’s no prizes for just grinning and bearing it. I don’t want to hurt you.”Will nodded and nervously pressed his lips to James’ as extra assurance, and James lined himself up at his entrance. His hands splayed across Will’s thighs, holding him firmly in place as he gently pressed in. Will took a deep breath and his hands clutched hopelessly at the bedsheets as he adjusted to the new sensation. “You okay?” James was rubbing small circles onto Will’s thigh with his thumb. He wished he could lean down and kiss away the contortion on his face, but he was holding himself precariously, the tip only just breaching tight muscles. He didn't dare make any movements. Will exhaled. “Y-yeah. Definitely different with you.” he offered a small smile, though it didn’t quite erase the furrow in his brow. “Probably should have practised with a bigger dildo.”After a moment, Will nodded and pressed his hand into James’ back to signal he was ready for more. James pushed all the way in, the tightness almost overwhelming. Will's head tipped back as he let out a strangled moan and his dick twitched in anticipation. He buried himself in Will until their bodies met, and a dizzying wave of pleasure thrummed through his body. Any of the residual anger he was holding onto dissolved, as he watched Will quivering beneath him as he tried to relax around James’ impressive thickness. Knowing Will was his first made his heart clench in his chest, all too aware of how incredible it felt to feel filled, overwhelmed by the stretch and caress of nerves never been touched before.James stayed like that for a while, buried in Will's tight heat, gently exploring the expanse of his body with his fingers, enjoying the way Will would tighten around him when James hit a sensitive spot. It was maddening, ignoring every impulse to thrust and tip himself over the edge. Slowly, he started thrusting, Will making small moans until he was meeting the thrusts from underneath, desperately trying to increase the speed, trying to get James to hit the spot that made him feel like he was being torn apart emotionally and physically. Will was a sight to behold, impaled on all of James, hands clawing desperately at James's arms, looking sweaty and dishevelled as a multitude of obscenities poured from his mouth. James leaned down to capture Will's mouth, tongue darting out to drag along his bottom lip, swallowing some of Will's sinful moans. The threads between them slowly became untangled with each thrust. As James could feel the warmth pooling in his stomach, he reached down and stroked Will to his peak, making him spill over his stomach as he cried out in ecstasy, hips arching to take James as deeply as he could.Bruising fingers dug into the clean lines of Will’s hips as James felt his own thrusts becoming erratic, his own release approaching quickly. He collapsed down on to Will and buried his face in his neck as he tipped over the edge, Will whimpering in his ear from the beginning of overstimulation. They both lay, panting and exhausted, while Will idly caressed James' broad shoulders with deft fingertips. Without moving his head from the crook of Will's neck, James peppered small kisses on the fragile skin.Will turned to face James and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. “I love you so much.” His voice was hoarse, but overflowing with emotion. James let out a contented sigh and smiled. “I love you too.”Once the initial exhaustion had passed, James delicately pulled out of Will, and raised himself up on to all fours. He looked down at the white seed now mixed into thick chest hair, wrinkling his nose and flailing slightly, much to Will’s amusement. “Will, it's on me…” he sat back, hands groping around pathetically for something to wipe himself with. “You and your fuckin’ sensory issues.” Will huffed, teasingly, as he sat up, trying not to let any of James' cum leak onto the sheets. “You're supposed to be the one looking after me,” he said, tossing a discarded t-shirt from the floor over to James. “I've just been de-...virginalised? Is that a thing?”“Deflowered?” James offered, ushering Will towards the shower in the ensuite, the t-shirt having barely cleaned up any of the mess.Will scrunched up his nose, “Bit gay sounding.”James fixed him with a bemused stare as he turned on the water. “I've just fucked you in the arse, but deflowered is ‘too gay’?”Will giggled, the kind of laugh that crinkled at the corner of his eyes, and James felt an outpouring of adoration in his chest after being denied that beautiful sound for what felt like an eternity.As they stood under the showerhead, James gently kissed the tip of Will's nose as droplets ran freely down it, relishing the fact that he was exactly where he wanted to be.----Will woke up alone to the sound of tinkling of teaspoons and quiet singing that got closer to the bedroom. From the warmth of the duvet he had cocooned himself in, he could hear soft footsteps pad into the room and mugs gently placed on the bedside table. The mattress dipped behind him and a familiar scent and warmness enveloped him from behind. As James’ hand slipped around Will’s waist, he gripped onto it, interlocking his fingers immediately in a desperate bid to keep James’ warmth against his skin. James pulled Will’s smaller frame tighter against his chest until his nose was nestled in Will’s hair. “You don't have any ice in your freezer” James whispered into Will's ear. Will jerked out an expected laugh. “Your dirty talk needs work, fella.”“My cold brew isn't very cold.” James pouted, pulling Will as close to him as possible, entangling their legs together. “I'll go down to Black Sheep and get you one once I get up. I am far too warm and comfortable right now.”James pressed a kiss to the back of Will's head, his hard length pressing into Will’s back.Will laughed and jumped away, twisting in James’ embrace until they were facing one another. “Absolutely not, lad. My arsehole still hurts.” he laughed as he pointed an accusatory finger in the small space between them.James smirked and pulled Will tighter to his chest, putting on an over-dramatised sultry voice. “But you were so good for me baby…”“Stop it. Stop it right now.” Will replied, squirming in James’ strong arms. They laughed together, and feeling the shared warmth between them filled Will's heart with joy, like a cup threatening to overflow. Maybe, he allowed himself to hope, they would be alright.