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Another failed mission.Moonlight spilled through the bedroom window, casting faint shadows across the apartment. It reflected off the mirror, illuminating the figure of a broken man standing before it. His hands shook violently, gripping the edge of the counter, trying to steady himself. Nausea churned his stomach, but there was nothing left to expel. Kakashi stared at his reflection. His lone eye was sunken, the darkness casting a mark of the sleepless nights. His once healthy skin was now pale, sallow, and drained of life. He dropped his gaze to the dried blood crusted beneath his fingernails.
My fault. My fault. My fault.
The mantra echoed in his mind, over and over, mocking all his failures.He squeezed his eyes tightly, willing himself to block out the memories. His teeth clenched , and the tension radiated through his jaw. He needed someone–anyone–to hear him.But he knew no one ever would.He knew no one would come.
I can’t do this anymore.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The image of his father sprawled along the wooden floor. A flash of lightning struck outside, casting long shadows across his once alive body. The scent of iron filled the air, coating his throat as he trembled in the dark. Blood pooled, encasing his father in a sea of red. The air is suffocating, sucking in like an endless void. His lungs seized, vision blurred with tears. He dropped to the floor, cheek pressing against the grain and a scream ripped from his throat-
Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.
A voice that should’ve been, now ceased to exist. Kakashi's world seemed to envelop itself in an instant, forever etched into the hollowness of his soul. Even the rain could not drown out that moment. Forever changed. He wanted to see his father one last time. A vision flitted across his mind of a comforting embrace–a warm embrace. To experience his father’s arms wrapped around him, soothing, sheltering him from this world—he imagined it felt like a summer night creeping across the sky. But the vision was fleeting, dissolving just as quickly as it appeared
What a lie.
A warm lieAn almost, a could've been.And yet, reality left him cold, forever longing in its wake.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Every year, on his birthday remains a pitiful reminder on the burden of living. He spent the day training with his team, and it became routine to forget briefly of the sadness until he had to return home.The lights were off when he slid the door open, entering a home of silence. Empty sake bottles littered the floor. Kakashi counted 14 bottles. His usual counts averaged 6-7, but today was special. He flicked on the lamp, and tiredly pulled the small cupcake wrapped in cloth from his bag.He stood in silence staring. Recalling the memory from earlier—his team singing, happy, and Minato sensei handing him the dessert with a smile radiating love, and kindness. He wished it enough, to be enough to fill the hole in his chest left from his father’s harshness, loss, and grief. It would never be enough. His eyes flickered to the candle, and with a match, he lit it. The flame blazed brightly at first, then slowly began to fade, like his will.He closed his eyes, and made a wish.
For once, can I make him proud? Can I be someone? Can I mean something?
He blew out the candle, smoke rising into the air.The door barrelled open. His father staggered into the room, the bottle gripped tightly in his hand, his gait unsteady.“YOU!” he spat, as a finger jabbed against his chest hard. He felt a bruise forming. “You think today is a celebration?” words laced with disdain.Kakashi peered up at his father, over the years his hair reflected the disheveled silver, dark eyes weathered but piercing as he towered above.“You took her from me.. She should be here, not you. Alive, breathing, not dead, and not buried beneath while you walk upon it. You don't deserve the air you breathe, when she cant- I can’t exist in a world, I can’t live when you made her leave."His loud voice booming throughout the room shaking the walls. The smell of alcohol wafted from his fathers breath, but the anger, fury slowly dissipated, and was replaced by the shell of a broken man. His father stepped back once, an unreadable expression, and slid down the counter to the floor. He cradled his face in his hands as tears fell. Rocking himself slowly, muttering-
My love, my love, my love... Why did you go?
Kakashi watched, frozen at the man in front of him. He never let him see his tears. He always held back the tears when his father would scream.
Don't cry, don't you dare cry
Right at this moment he didn't feel anything, no anger, no sympathy as he took in his words. Only a familiar numbness. His father wept, murmuring until incoherent lost among his pain. Kakashi’s hand trembled as he reached for the cupcake, and slipped away silently. Tonight.. tonight settled like a heavy stone above his heart, reminding him of what he dearly wanted to change.
Tuck the pain neatly in a box, place it on a shelf, and bury it in the furthest corner of your mind
Anything to not feel.His father's cries grew fainter as he moved up the stairs.Ignore, walk away, and repeat. He learned that.As he entered his room, he closed the door behind him. The night filtered through the curtains, casting an empty blue glow across the space. Kakashi sat at the edge of his bed, the cupcake still clutched in his hand. He lowered his mask and took a bite. The taste of the sweetness but a feeling remained. His throat tightened as he felt a piece of himself break. Tears slowly poured from the corner of his eyes. He couldn't stop them.He sat alone, surrounded with the broken thoughts on a better tomorrow...A life for a life, but at what cost?