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The oldest house was many things. An office. A research facility. Jesse Fadens new home. Alive. Most of these didn’t bother her, at some point you just got used to the shifting hallways and countless surprises the building still held. It was infinite and incredibly finite at once. After the incident at the Foundation she had hoped that things would become more normal. As normal as one could expect in the Oldest House anyways. Maybe the lockdown would even lift and she could finally see the fucking sky again. No such luck. The door stayed closed and everyone simply continued like it had always been this way, all the while the walls seemed to shift closer and closer together. There was also the issue of the Board, The mysterious entity, or group of entities, no one seemed to know anything about, who had reprimanded her in the same breath they thanked her for saving the entire Bureau.
Just to check in, we still think the Board is full of shit, right?
The slightest glint in the corner of her eye told her that Polaris still wasn’t convinced either. And if she didn’t trust someone or something then Jesse sure as hell didn’t. Great. So far they hadn’t bothered her with Bureau ending problems again but with remnants of the Hiss still sequestered away in various corners of the Bureau it was only a matter of time until it wormed its way into something important again. “I don’t like it.”Jesse slammed her feet onto the desk she still thought of as belonging to her predecessor, feeling a slight satisfaction as red sand fell off her shoes and covered the smooth surface. Like most days she found that her coffee had gone cold, surprising, despite the fact that she couldn’t remember when she had gotten it. Rotating the coffee cup in the air, spinning it just gently enough as to not spill anything, Jesse exhaled in an attempt to banish some of the tension from her shoulders. It wasn’t exactly successful. “I really don’t fucking like it.”The statements were vague enough to speak out loud without risking further scrutiny of the board so she tossed them into the room, not exactly wanting a reply, merely hoping for acknowledgement. Which she got with another glassy chime.
What now? Everything I have been able to find about them has been redacted to all hell and I don’t think the board would love me gossiping with the Former again.
A sense of worry in the back of her mind. Of course. She appreciated Polaris looking out for her but sometimes she could very much act like an overprotective parent. “Yeah, yeah.”Waving her hand in a gesture that was supposed to be dismissive but quickly devolved into the still floating coffee smashing against the wall right over the door as someone knocked, sending her to her feet, service weapon already in hand. “Jesse? Are you okay?”Before she could get out more than variations on shit, fuck and don’t the door already screeched open, the ear rending sound courtesy of the shards of porcelain wedged under it. Her newly promoted Head of Research gingerly stepped around the shards, giving the spreading coffee puddle a wide berth and Jesse herself a concerned look. Greeeat. “What did that coffee do to you?”Attempting to smooth over the awkward silence, Emily smiled at her, trying not to look at the gun that was still very much in Jesse’s hand, finger on the trigger and all. At least she wasn’t pointing it at her unexpected guest. Silver linings. Somehow it felt like Polaris was laughing, or at least doing whatever her equivalent was. “Can I uh- help you?”The gun had once again disappeared from her hand and Jesse leaned back against the desk, trying and failing to seem unbothered. The other woman finally closed the distance enough to hand her the papers she was carrying. Both Emily and the papers had a slight moldy smell, something she unfortunately knew all too well. “The mold again? Really?” “No! This is actually good news, the new containment measures are working better than expected.”
Phew. One thing less to worry about, I guess.
“Happy to hear that. Thanks.”The papers were added to a stack of similar papers, all of which had barely been glanced at. Another place to put more coffee cups that would inevitably go cold. “Is everything alright?”From the way she looked at Jesse the woman had already drawn her own conclusions, as was to be expected of someone carrying the title of Head of Research.
No.
“Yeah, sure.”She could see her compare the data points in front of her to Jesse’s answer, boots that were still crusted in red sand and blood, with no effort put into cleaning them, half of her hair carelessly put up, the other half hanging down looking like it hadn’t been washed in so long it forgot how water even felt. A far cry from anything someone as important as the Director of the FBC should look like. Both of them knew that she was lying, all three of them if one counted the sensation mirroring the disapproving look of a parent in the back of her mind, yet courtesy demanded it to go unremarked. “Well then, if there is anything at all I could help with, even if it’s just a friendly chat, don’t hesitate to call!”The warm smile Emily gave her did nothing to soothe the creeping doubts and worries, instead making her study the mold papers, the little paranoid version of herself that still lived in her gut whispering that any kindness was undeserved or an attempt at manipulation. Most often it settled on a mix of the two. “I’ll do that, yeah!”Contorting her face into something that at least felt like a friendly and reliable expression, Jesse rummaged through the papers, spreading them out haphazardly in an effort to look busy. A sudden pang in her stomach made her wince, reminding her that she couldn’t really recall what her last meal had been, much less when she’d had it.
Shut up. I’m getting a sandwich later.
Between work and worrying, meals often went uneaten, left to go stale with another emergency or another night where she just passed out as soon as she sat down. Turning around she found that Emily was still hovering in the doorway, looking at her. Any hope that she might have missed the break in her charade went out the window. “Hey, do you want to meet for lunch later? I should be free in an hour or so.”Before Jesse could present another half baked excuse the other woman crossed her arms and gave her a stern look. “Don’t tell me you’re busy, I don’t see any acute emergencies and I know you don’t stick to a schedule. And I’m sure not doing it on an empty stomach would improve your very important paper sorting.”Then she was gone, though the expectation of reunion at lunch in an hour hung heavily in the air. On most days it would be something to look forward to, hell, even a few hours ago it would have been. Yet, at that exact moment all it conjured was trepidation. Ugh.
I know, I know, I’m not going to ditch her…again.
But leaving this room meant that other people would want things, need her expertise on something. Neither she nor anyone else was fooled into thinking she really knew anything. At least inside this comparatively small room she could fool herself, hide from the responsibility of an entire house, an entire Bureau on her shoulders, not be reminded of her own shortcomings. And she’d have to look the part. Sighing heavily, Jesse gathered the small number of toiletries she’d been given, rationed as everything else during lockdown, and went to the nearest bathroom to douse her hair in the sink. More sand. More blood. It all washed down the drain and for a moment she became mesmerised by it, wishing she could follow.
If only I had more of my stuff than the clothes I came here with.
Said clothes were as dirty as her hair had been until now, so what could be washed got shoved in a sink and replaced by the dark blue blouse and aggressively golden pants of one of the two suits that had made it into her possession, though the one she’d gotten from the Board stayed stuffed in a drawer for the most part. Finally the person staring back from the mirror was adequately presentable, enough for a shitty sandwich at the FBC cafeteria. It wouldn’t hurt to be a little early, so she started making her way through the building, avoiding busy passages and hoping that no one would stop her. Despite having towel dried it as best as she could, the still damp lump she had crammed her hair into occasionally smacked her neck, making Jesse wince. When she arrived at their agreed upon location, a jolt of guilt shot through her as Emily actually looked surprised that she’d shown up at all, much less ten minutes early. Smiling awkwardly she half pulled out one of the flimsy plastic chairs across from her. “This seat taken?”Feigning interest in the file in front of her, the other woman seemed to pretend that she hadn’t just looked at her. “Yes actually, I have a very important meeting with the FBC Director-“She snickered at her own joke quietly before finally looking at Jesse again. “Ah! And there she is, what a surprise.”With that, Emily stood up while Jesse slid into the chair, head resting on her hands while she waited. Soon, two plates were put on the table, one some sort of soup the other a sandwich that could be anything.“Pick your poison.”Wordlessy she took the sandwich and bit into it, finding it somehow both awfully dry and weirdly wet. Judging by the faces pulled across the table the soup wasn’t that great either. Still, it was food and despite the fact that it lay heavily in her stomach, Jesse felt…better. Maybe it was the shower, the fresh clothes or the food, but it all seemed a little less dire. “So, do we know where the food is coming from?”Emily shrugged. “Well I don’t, but honestly I prefer it that way. One of the few things in life I’d prefer to stay uninformed about.”“Sure.”More chewing. By now the table was covered in crumbs that had fallen from the bread and Jesse swiped them away with an annoyed huff, hoping that she wasn’t covered in them as well. The cafeteria was quiet apart from some muffled conversation on the other end of the room and the rustling of plants swaying in a nonexistent breeze. Remembering her conversations with the ones in the Research Sector, she waved at them. You could never be sure what in this building was alive and what wasn’t. Apart from a slightly raised eyebrow her lunch companion didn’t comment. Despite her earlier improvement in mood Jesse found herself pushing the chair back, making it screech across the floor uncomfortably, with the intent to shuffle back to the office she detested more and more each day. But there wasn’t anywhere else to go. It was as much of a home as one could hope for under the circumstances but the presence of her predecessor still lurked in every corner of it. Calling it haunted seemed too mundane for the sense that she could one day open her eyes after another fitful sleep on the uncomfortable couch that reeked of smoke and see the man that had ruined her and her brother's life sit back at the desk like nothing had happened. “Before you go-”She winced internally, trying her best to keep her expression neutral. “I’m fine !”Plants rustled again like a particularly strong breeze had hit them and the soup bowl spun violently, spilling what little was left on the table. Emily jumped up fast enough to avoid being hit with more than a few scant splashes, looking at her with an expression that was once again so worried. Glassy chimes told her to apologise, a reminder she didn’t need yet still appreciated.“Fuck! I’m so sorry!”Deja vu. Hadn’t she been here only hours before, not soup but cold coffee yet the same result. The people on the other side of the room were still absorbed in conversation, a small relief.
You’re fine. No one saw that.
It felt like a lie. Usually she wouldn’t have bothered to walk to the napkin dispenser but paper flying through the air would draw attention she really didn’t need right now. Returning with a handful of the crumpled paper napkins did not ease the guilt in any way, in fact, as Jesse stood there offering her bounty she felt worse with every passing moment. Like she would be better off leaving before any other food started flying. “Thank you.”Uselessly dabbing at the stains on her white shirt Emily fixed her with a gaze that told her that this conversation wasn’t over, especially after the soup incident, but postponed to a place where no one could be hit in the head with a flying plate. Polaris was nagging her, a presence in the back of her head she couldn’t keep ignoring though she really really wanted to.
Do you seriously think talking about anything right now is going to fix shit? None of this can be fixed by talking!
A distinct feeling of “you could at least try” made Jesse mumble an invitation, a friendly chat, an excuse to soothe any suspicions or worries. If she convinced everyone that she had it all under control (haha yeah I get it don’t comment) maybe it was true. The weight of the trust everyone had in her keeping her on the right path, doing the right thing, saving everyone. -When both women stepped into the office that bore her nameplate, the spilled coffee had disappeared along with any errant shards of porcelain. Not the first time the office had changed while she was gone but it never really stopped being unnerving. “I swear without Ahti this place would fall apart.”
Yeah if it was him who cleaned the cup up.
“Mhm”“So, what’s going on?”Emily had taken up residence on the couch, right next to the tacky FBC branded pillows Jesse had to resist the urge to rip apart at least once a day. “Before you try and lie to me again I know that there is something. I am many things but I am not stupid Jesse.”“I expect nothing less from the Head of Research.”The attempt at humor fell horrendously flat. “The state of your brother hasn’t changed and there haven’t been any major incidents since our trip to the Foundation so I would assume it has to do with that.”She looked at Jesse expectantly, like she was waiting for her assumptions to be confirmed. It felt strangely invasive, her faraway look suggesting that she was already drawing more conclusions based on her lack of response and body language, maybe even putting it in the format of one of her research documents.
Director Faden has shown a concerning lack of personal hygiene and withdrawn from most attempts at communication since the incident at the Foundation in which she just barely managed to prevent the Oldest House from crumbling into the Astral Plane and had to kill one of the most seasoned and well respected members of the FBC after she had been struck down by the Board for unknown reasons.
“Jesse, are you listening to me?”“Huh?”She shook her head, trying to drive out the Emily in her brain to focus on the real person having a real conversation with her. “Yes, I was just…distracted.”Looking for words to accurately describe how she currently felt had Jesse come up woefully empty handed. She couldn’t speak ill of the Board, not out loud and especially not here in this room where she felt the pyramid bear down on her the strongest, ready to pierce through her should she step too much out of line.
Just like Trench.
“You’re right. It was too close. “The following silence weighed heavily with the unsaid implications of her statement. “How many too close do I get before it’s just close enough?”Now that she had the first of her worries pass her lips the others yearned to follow. Everything she had tried so hard not to think about, tried so hard to push aside for the benefit of the people she was now responsible for, it all flooded her mind, already drawing her under. She barely noticed the supportive chime and sparkle right at the edge of her vision. Get it together. Get it the fuck together! She wanted to put her head in her hands and scream. “Hey, for my part I think you’re doing alright. The Oldest House is still standing thanks to your efforts. Who knows what would have happened if you hadn’t fixed the Nail when you did. “Empty words. “Emily, I never wanted this. All I ever wanted is what remains of my family back, maybe a home, a normal life. But now I’m here, stuck in this room that still reeks and-”She’d stepped closer in the few seconds Jesse hadn’t paid attention and quickly crossed the line of too close . Stumbling backwards to put more distance between them all she did was painfully bump her hip into the corner of the large desk at one end of the room. That fucking pretentious desk where Trench had probably sat as he handed her brother off to a bunch of scientists. Where he’d fallen deeper and deeper into his paranoia. Where he’d blown a hole in his head. With a crack the wood splintered in half, sending more coffee cups and the papers she had pretended to look at earlier to the carpeted floor. “Jesse it’s okay, you just became FBC Director during a crisis, once the lockdown is lifted I’m sure everything will get easier. And you are not alone in this, you can rely on others. Arish has your back, Langston is obviously fond of you and no matter how much Underhill complains she’ll come around. Besides, you still have me.”It sounded good. It sounded so good Jesse couldn’t let herself believe that it was true. That she wasn’t alone, that any sort of vulnerability or weakness wouldn’t be exploited. Memories of correspondence and files she’d seen came back to her. Trench and Darling. Before that Northwood and Ash Jr.. FBC Director and Head of Research. “Yeah for now. But that never ended well.”“I think you’re overthinking this. You are still upset about Marshall and you’re letting that cloud your judgement.”“Maybe you’re under-thinking this! I can’t quit. I’ll be stuck with this job for the rest of my fucking life until I die horribly or worse. Hell, knowing my luck I’ll end up like Northmoor. I’m sure you’d have a great time designing my casket though.”The air buzzed or maybe it was the blood rushing in her ears, soft chimes were trying to soothe her, trying to keep her from saying things she’d regret but Jesse Faden was never one to consider her words much. She was someone that kept on going, kept doing whatever she could because she’d never had any other option and she definitely wouldn’t stop now, wouldn’t trust or let her guard down ever because with that only came pain and loss. Whether it was an undercover agent posing as her therapist or Emily Pope pretending she cared for her further than her ability to lead the Bureau. Her lack of ability. “Look, just take a breath for a second. It takes time to get used to stress and-”“Get the fuck out.”Again the table cracked, more splinters raining down to the carpet. The walls shuddered and the pictures of Trench she’d never taken down finally fell, glass shattering. “What?”“Get the fuck out of my office!”Staring at the broken table, the shattered frames and then Jesse in turn Emily slowly retreated towards the door which had swung open already. Before it smashed shut again, leaving her outside, Jesse caught a final glimpse of her expression. It wasn’t anger or fear or anything she’d deemed reasonable, everything she could see plainly on her face was sadness. Finally alone, she let herself break down. In this room that was more a prison than anything else to her, Jesse screamed and cried, knowing that no one would hear. She tore through the room, throwing memorabilia off the shelves and finally tearing into those pillows before coming to a stop, desperately gasping for air. Her head pounded and eyes burned as she gave the destruction around her a cursory glance knowing that it wouldn’t last. The second she left the room and came back it would be restored to its former glory. A cruel joke really. The plaque on the door and on the desk read her name but everything else was so quintessentially not her it hurt every time she woke up and laid her eyes on the desk she hated so much. Maybe one day, if she’d ever manage to prove herself worthy, the room would change into something that felt like home to her. Or maybe she’d keep waking up in this office that stank of cigarettes day after day until she eventually joined the dead body on the floor that had long since disappeared, leaving nothing but a stain on her memory.