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My family is my order. An order that swears to protect and care for those who are ill and unfortunate when it comes to riches. I have never had a real father, my only father would be the Grand Master. He would order us around, making my men haul supplies from one village to another. The Grand Master kept us in check, although it was unavoidable that there would be those who opposed the goal of our order. A few of my men gave into temptation, they could not resist the charm of women in the villages we had arrived in. Drawn like a sailor to an ethereal siren, we had lost more men in the chains of marriage than in war. I could have never understood why. Why would these men give up the glory of being a knight, to settle down and swear an oath to one person for all eternity. I thought the promise of a lifelong commitment was unrealistic. My life has one mission, to help and protect. Nothing less of what I was made for. I could have never thought of entrusting something as fragile as my heart to someone. It was unfathomable. Impossible. I would not dare.
I could never imagine a day where I would eat up my words. Or more, choke them down my throat.
Summer had come. My forehead was drenched in beads of sweat, I reached out for my bag to search for my hand towel. Such, what is a knight if he cannot stay clean. Today, we had been summoned to the parish. The hot summer breeze hit my exposed skin, I cannot stay any longer under the sun’s blazing rays for my skin had started to tint itself in red, almost resembling a lobster’s outer shell. Behind me followed my men. I was the smallest, but I did not feel like so. This year I would be 12, or at least that was the age the Grand Master said I was based on my appearance. Regardless of my lacking height, my status compensated for it. I am the soul of the order, I led the way for my men towards the parish doors. As the grand doors opened, stood before me were more than a hundred knights. Men from other orders had arrived, as requested by the pope. The Teutonics stood by the east, the Templars by the west. My order settled down in between. I looked to my left for a brief moment, but took no more than five seconds to stare. The Teutonics, the barbarians as they are known. Standing in front of several armed men was a boy that looked around my age. His white hair was unkempt, flowing out in every direction possible. Judging from the state of his scabbard, he had just finished a conquest most likely. If he could not properly clean his weapon, he most certainly could not be bothered to comb his hair in place. But I fear it would be too late, as a small bird had already begun nesting itself in the tangled locks. If you put his head beside an actual bird nest, it would be tricky to even tell the difference. This boy was exceptionally loud. I could not even hear my own thoughts anymore as he kept laughing and boasting to his men about his “success” in conquering the head of Lithuania. His high raspy voice was giving me a migraine. I tried to shake it off, although his voice was too shrill to ignore. I figure I should distract myself by looking west instead. I sure hoped that the Templar order would be more orderly, and I was more or less right. The templar knights had been quiet the entire time we stood, although their line was unorderly. I could not see their soul, and I was getting more and more curious. Was he around my age too? Or maybe he was older, like the pope. Wrinkled and frail. No, I heard the Templars were agile swordsmen, he would not be a withering old man. I fixated my eyes on the Templars, all the same cloak, all stood quiet and still. It was almost like they were the statues found around the cathedral, unmoving until once called. As I was about to look away, a glistening light caught my attention. It had come from their crowd, but it disappeared as soon as it came. I rubbed my temples, perhaps it was only a hallucination caused by the new medicine my order had been testing out. We stood, for almost half an hour tending to our own business, until at last the pope had arrived holding a thick book. His wrinkled old hands gently set it down on the furnished wooden table, carefully flipping through its equally aged pages. His hand made its way towards the quill, and he stood before us. “Come forth, each order, and state thy name” He called onto us The first boy of the east stepped forward first, proudly presenting himself both in stance and speech. “I am the awesome, the one and only strongest, Teutonic Knights!” he yelled as his men cheered for him. White hair like marble, and blood red eyes. So that was the barbaric Teutonic order apparently. Next came my turn. I had already taken off my cloak hood as a sign of respect. “I am the Knights Hospitaller” I state, not too quiet but not as boastful as the Teutonic order. Even though I had the right to be boastful, my order’s contributions in the field of medicine was not to be overshadowed by the Tetuonic’s bloodshed. Although I did not dare, whoever in their right mind would raise his voice in the presence of the pope. I returned to my men, watching the final boy walk upon the front altar. His cloak still adorned on his head, the unmistakable symbol of a knight proudly embedded on its plain fabric. As his cloak fell off his head, golden strands gracefully escaped from its enclosure. The way subtle curls adorned him, bouncing as he gracefully shifted his stance. Clasping his hands together, almost like in prayer, he declared with pride and gentleness: “I am the Knights Templar” Only five words had escaped his lips, but it felt like a whole serenade. Not even the humid summer wind could touch his grace, not a single bead of sweat was present on his glistening skin, I could even mistake him as a statue carved from alabaster. His features were defined, but not too sharp. Proportioned in a way that made his eyes slightly bigger. Those eyes were the bluest thing I had ever seen. For the duration of the gathering I caught myself drawn to his direction. The way his hands shifted as he sat, the way his hair bounced ever so slightly as his head turned. It was almost unreal, how could a boy like this exist if he had not been a literal angel? The voices of several men echoed through the halls, especially the knights on my east who had been blowing their own trumpet for a while now. Knights of the west presented offerings for the Lord and the pope, baskets full of freshly gathered fruit and the finest cheeses. I heard that the Templars were very meticulous with what they consume as they believed that the body is a sacred temple and must not be stained with the sin of gluttony. Seeing the baskets of foods had made my stomach start to grumble, it has been so long since I have seen cheese with that quality. The French were said to be able to make the most delicious of cheeses, I wanted a taste to see for myself. But how could I approach them, surely it is shameful to walk up and just ask for cheese. “ Excusez-moi? ” I snapped out of my own thoughts as that familiar tone was heard. Stood right in front of me was him, it was unmistakable. Knights Templar himself. “You are Hospitaller, no?” “ Iva ” I held out my hand, he reached out to gently shake it. It was unbelievable, his hands were free of calluses that were present on other warriors. Who was this boy. . . Perhaps he is actually an angel in disguise. Maybe God is testing me. No, that’s ridiculous. Warm hands like these meant he was human, like me. But why was he more . . More . . . “You can have some of my food, mon ami ” he spoke in almost a sing-songy tone, whilst holding out a wrapped up cheesecloth.
Gorgeous .
Ever since that fateful day, I would be joined by both Templar and Teutonic on occasion. Teutonic had not lowered his voice even once, but I guess he was still tolerable. At the very least he was funny, and had this adorable bird that was always perched on his head. But I think he might be stupid, he still hasn’t noticed its existence. Templar only amplified his voice whenever he sang songs of praise. I’m sure God would be pleased with his heavenly voice. Today Teutonic had been busy with his crusades, this morning he had set off for Lithuania once again. Several men gathered by the village, with the Templars reading verses of the holy scripture to the children and my men providing checkups on the sick people of this tribe. I had spent hours patching up wounds, and even removing splinters. Right now I am assigned to realign a child’s broken leg, he had been running too fast and had fallen into a ditch. Same thing as Teutonic not too long ago. “Does it hurt?” I wrapped cloth over the leg, it reeked of medicinal herbs. After being a doctor for years, I had gotten used to the scent of various drugs. The child just shook his head, but I can clearly see him trying to hold back his tears. The little boy sniffled a little, and attempted to hide his face with an arm. Before I was able to speak up, a young girl ran up to him carrying a bundle of poppies. Bright red poppies, though not as harsh as blood’s red hue. If I recall correctly, these were considered the flowers of remembrance, as said in a book I borrowed from Templar. The little girl then held up the flowers, revealing that they had been connected to form a simple crown, that she then carefully placed on the boy’s head. That had eased his crying, especially when she had taken him away to play. I wonder if receiving flowers would be all that nice. I gathered up my supplies, the scent of medicinal drugs seem stuck on my body. If being a doctor meant that I smell like a teabag 24/7, I may have had reconsidered becoming one. My limbs stretched out to the sky, my bones slightly cracking as I stretched. The sound of children’s laughter from the other side of the village really makes me wonder. Would anybody play with me like that too? It's another silly thought I brushed off. “Hey! Hospitaller!” I could recognize that voice even in my sleep. Templar came running to me, waving his hand up in the air full of energy. His face lit up, both metaphorically and quite literally too. The sunlight bounced off his ever so flowing hair. I swore it was cloudy just a moment ago, why is it whenever he arrived it was always like the clouds parted a path for the sun to show his grace? “Come with me!” I did not oppose, not that I could. His grip on my arm was strong, pulling me away from the others. I had no idea where we were heading, or why he wanted to take me and only me with him. Though I did not question it too much. I just felt warm inside that he decided to do so. After a few minutes of running, we reached a hill. I was unsure if we should continue, even without direct contact to his chest I could hear slight wheezing coming from Templar. But even so, he pursued. He ran, I followed. Trampling the grass beneath our feet, letting the sun soak us in its golden rays. He finally let go of my hand, but not before pulling me down on the ground to lay beneath a large oak tree. He laid beside me, his soft skin brushing against mine ever so slightly. He kept a smile on his face, big as it can be. I could not rest easy though, his breathing became more and more fast. “Templar are you alright?” He simply nodded. I could tell it was a lie. I reached out for my satchel, almost fumbling my fingers trying to grab a bottle. My heart beat abnormally fast around Templar, more than just a few times. I hope I do not have a heart condition. I tossed him the bottle, he eyed it curiously. “It's ephedra” I thought he would be more responsible with his own health, is that not what his entire thing is? Perhaps spending so much time with Teutonic had gotten to him. How Teutonic brought him along to his crusades, how close they were while fighting for glory. It felt almost like my heart was sinking each time I saw them together. I did not know why. I am a doctor, why couldn’t I tell? His breathing regulated once more, I finally took the chance to ask “Why did you bring me here” His head turned to me, and he grinned from ear to ear “I only wanted to spend time with a beloved friend of mine” hearing those words made my heart skip a beat again. This was unhealthy. He sprawled his arms on the grass “I thank God for moments where I could just rest” “I thank him too for that. That he let me take a break, with you” “Say, Gilbert had chosen a name for himself” “Who is. . . Gilbert?” “Oh, I mean Teutonic. He has chosen that name to better fit in with the common children” “That’s silly” “I think it’s adorable” I swore I saw his eyes light up “Then how about you, have you chosen a name too?” “Not yet, I want my name to be meaningful” He turned his body to face me “You?” “Nothing at all” He eyed my face for a few seconds, then scrunched his forehead. I jumped slightly as his hands reached out to cup my face, as he examined me. I felt like I was art, if I were would he have admired me as such? “Hm . . . Lancelot” I blinked twice. That did not sound too bad, although a name that means servant? Then again, my purpose is to serve the people “Lance for short. What do you think?” “I like it” His grin widened again “Lance!” I couldn't help but smile as well “Lance it is. Now it’s your turn” “I got it” “That was faster than I expected” “How did I not realize sooner! From now on, I shall address myself as. . . Gabriel. Like the archangel” He sat up, and clasped his hands together like he did before “I am Gabriel, the Templar Knight” My heart was racing again. Was it a heart attack? Or perhaps . . . .? I caught myself drawn to his aura. Gabriel, you are light. Sometimes you shine so brightly I must look away. But even so, can I stay by your side? I held my chest, my breath hitched just once but he immediately noticed “Lance, do you have trouble breathing too?” “No, no, I’m fine.” I swallowed a lump that was forming in my throat “Gabriel, do you. . .” I trailed off to silence, he waited patiently for me to continue. “Do you ever feel like your heart is racing like a rabbit?” He looked up to think, then nodded “A lot of times” “A lot?” “I have trouble breathing too” “Gabriel, you have asthma. I’m not referring to that kind of racing heart” “Then what? Do you mean like, when I look at somebody?” “Exactly that” His face slightly flushed, I took this as an opportunity to tease him “Do you perhaps, fancy someone?” “Non, non, I do not . . .” “Liars go to hell, Gabriel!” “Don’t use my words against me!” He fidgeted his fingers, almost like he was concealing something from me “I’ll guess, a girl from the village has caught your eye?” “Non, I do not fancy the women in particular” I was taken aback slightly, was he a boy-kisser . . ? Who am I to judge, I did not even know what I was. “Then a boy? Ah, is he a knight like us?” I nudged him jokingly, but his face flushed slightly more. Was I right? It was a knight like me? “I refuse to lie, fine you win. It is” I tried to contain the rush of excitement in my chest “Is he someone I know?” “Oh absolutely” I scooted closer to him, tilting my head in anticipation “Tell me” “Lance, what if someone finds out?” “I swear to never tell” He sighed in defeat. This was it, the anticipation was killing me.
It had not been just anticipation that killed me. I sat underneath the oak tree in solitude. The sun had set and the air had grown chilly. I touched the grass beside me, the space where he had sat down had gotten cold.Earlier’s scenario kept playing in my head over and over again, like a haunting soul seeking vengeance.
“Teutonic. The one who I adore, is Gilbert”
How could his voice once soothing to the soul shatter my heart in an instant.
“He’s the light in my world”
You yourself are light.
“I think I love him”
I loved you first.
The strange feeling lingering in my chest. How could I have been so stupid to not notice. It was love. I have loved him before I even realized it.
I am an order, with an oath to protect. Selflessly I live to heal those who are ill, and provide to the poor. I swore on my name, the Knights of Hospitaller, to cherish those who deserve to be cherished; to protect who deserve to be protected. Templar, no, Gabriel. I know I could not have you as more than a comrade in arms, but I do not wish to ruin our friendship with my silly thoughts. As long as I get to see youTo hear your angelic serenadeTo witness your songsAnd to love and protect you in any way I could That is more than enough for me. God has his plans for us, and I pray he allows me to stay with you until my dying breath.