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Was it ever really love
if the night that we broke up
both went out to go hook up
with the one we told each other not to worry about?
- "Seven," Natalie Jane
Sophie couldn’t keep the thought from her mind any longer.
Is this the real reason we broke up?
She didn’t realize she said it out loud until she registered that Keefe had put distance between them. She still felt the ghost of his lips against hers, the light touch that somehow set all her nerve endings on fire. “I’m sorry,” they both said at the same time.
“What are you sorry for?” Keefe asked, laughing nervously. “I can’t believe I just kissed you.”
“I invited it,” Sophie acknowledged. “And… that’s why I was wondering that. You know?”
“About why you and Fitz broke up?”
“Yeah. I wondered if we could tell that…” Sophie trailed off, the thought suddenly occurring to her that Keefe might regret kissing her for another reason. “Did you not mean to kiss me?”
“No—yes—I don’t know. I mean, it seems kinda…” Keefe trailed off just like she had. It seemed neither of them were capable of finishing a sentence. “I mean, you and Fitz just broke up.”
“And what if it was because we both saw
this?”
Sophie gestured between the two of them. “Is there something here, or am I going crazy?”
Keefe’s eyes widened, like he’d just registered that she was implying she had feelings for him. “Oh.
Oh.
I mean, there is—on my end, at least. Something.” He coughed. Sophie wondered how long he’d known he liked her. She wondered how long she’d been bottling up her feelings for her boyfriend’s best friend.
“Yeah. There’s definitely something, then,” Sophie mumbled, her eyes flitting back to his lips against her will. She missed the way she’d been laying in his arms only a second ago, though she couldn’t remember how him consoling her about her breakup had turned to his lips softly pressing against hers. Was it better or worse that they were more separated now?
She wanted him to kiss her again. There was something about that feather-light press of his lips against hers that was even more electrifying than the hundreds of more confident, passionate kisses she’d shared with Fitz. It was like there was more meaning, more energy, more
something.
With
Keefe,
and not her
boyfriend?
Ex-boyfriend,
she reminded herself. She tried to chase the thought away, but she couldn’t help wondering what would have happened if she and Keefe had kissed before the breakup. Would it have still had that electrifying effect?
If so, that was definitely the real reason she and Fitz broke up.
“Foster,” Keefe said suddenly, “can I kiss you again? On purpose this time?” It seemed like he was holding his breath, as though the answer could possibly be no. As if Sophie could resist going back for more of what she’d barely almost experienced. He was an Empath.
Surely
he could tell.
Sophie didn’t respond with words, but with a kiss of her own. The press of her lips against his was still soft, but firmer than before. More intentional. There was something undeniably romantic about all of it that made her wonder what on Earth she’d been doing the past seven months. Up until mere hours ago, she’d been convinced that Fitz was The One. She thought they were made for each other and would never break up. And yet, the breakup didn’t make her as sad as she thought it might.
Instead, here she was, slowly testing the waters of this steadily intensifying kiss, and wondering why she’d ever thought she wanted anything else.
—
Is this the real reason we broke up?
Fitz wondered as his back hit Stina’s wall.
Stina wasn’t a soft or gentle person. Even the love confession she’d whispered to him before crashing her mouth into his contained the phrase “you ridiculous idiot.” Fitz hadn’t given her one, but she was an Empath. She was able to tell.
He couldn’t give words to it. He couldn’t even give words to why he’d sought comfort from her after what was supposed to be the most depressing breakup of his life. He’d thought he was going to
marry
Sophie.
And he certainly didn’t come here for this.
But he wasn’t about to let it stop. Not when it was so new and so good and might never happen again once he gave himself room to actually think about it.
—
“In case it comes up later,” Sophie panted as they finally got past the door frame and into his room, “I did not come here for this.”
“Noted,” Keefe acknowledged, continuing where he’d left off. He didn’t know her as well as Fitz did, so why was leaning her head back against his door as he kissed down the side of her neck the best she’d ever felt? She couldn’t remember Fitz ever getting this reaction out of her. It was like by sealing her lips against Keefe’s, she’d unlocked a whole new level, a whole new
world
of things she never would have experienced with the man she thought she was going to marry.
Seven months, and it was never even as good as just an hour watching a movie with Keefe as he comforted her? Not even as good as however long they’d been doing this?
The hand that was slowly travelling down her side slid around her to the door behind her. He looked up to meet her eyes, something both overwhelming and exquisite sparking between them as he turned the lock on the door behind them, leaving them somehow even more alone than before. She closed her eyes, feeling like she was drowning in thrilling desire to a degree she’d never felt ever before.
Not with anyone. Definitely not with Fitz.
This anticipation, this almost unbearable desire for
more, more, more,
she’d never felt it while kissing her boyfriend. She’d never known it was possible.
And so, she kissed him urgently, pushing them away from his door frame, stumbling forward until they ran into Keefe’s bed. Keefe collapsed backward, pulling him down with her, and Sophie didn’t allow herself room to think about Fitz any longer. There was no use in that ridiculous crisis, wondering why she’d wasted so much time with someone she cared about in a completely different way than she cared about Keefe. There was no point in wondering how she’d gotten those two types of love completely mixed up. Nothing good could come from comparing the two of them now, thinking about how Fitz had
never
been able to make her feel this good.
All that mattered was that she wasn’t satisfied yet, and neither was he.
—
Nothing with Sophie had
ever
felt this good.
Stina wasn’t trying to be sweet or romantic, despite the inherent romance to the confession she’d given him. It was probably too soon after his breakup with Sophie to be thinking about whether or not he loved another girl, but wasn’t it too soon for this, too?
When Stina pulled back, freeing his mouth for just a moment as she pulled his shirt over his head, he took the opportunity to say, “I wasn’t looking for this. Just so you know.”
Stina raised an eyebrow as she tossed his shirt over her shoulder. “Do you want to stop?” she asked wryly, already knowing the answer to that question.
“No,” he answered quickly. “No. Don’t. I just don’t want you to feel like I’m using you, or something, coming here after…”
“Are you using me?”
“No.”
“Good. I didn’t think so. Now why are you talking again?”
“I—”
“Do something useful with your mouth, Vacker.”
“Got it.”
He’d thought he loved Sophie because it made sense. She was cute and sweet and beautiful. He loved making things for her, because he really did care about her. Before now, he’d thought he loved kissing her, the way she giggled as they tried to be as quiet and nonchalant as possible, making out in her room with her parents downstairs. He’d thought everything was perfect.
Clearly it wasn’t.
He’d already peppered kisses all over her neck, and as he ventured lower and lower, and despite the amount of skin allowed by her top’s generous neckline, he eventually just started tugging at her shirt in a silent question.
“You can take it off me, you know?” Stina said, rolling her eyes as she pushed him back for a second so she could pull her shirt over her head. “Or I can do it myself.”
Fitz shrugged bashfully as she threw it over her shoulder in the opposite direction she’d thrown his. She immediately pulled him back against her, meeting his eyes dangerously. “Continue.”
He wasted no time.
—
“Does someone want to tell me what’s going on?” Tiergan finally asked, sighing. “You won’t meet each other’s eyes, she won’t stop blocking you… come on. There has to be a reason.”
“We warned you that we broke up,” Sophie muttered. She didn’t know what the expression on Fitz’s face looked like, but she imagined it was similar to hers.
“I know, and I expected complications.” Tiergan ran a hand down his face. “But I didn’t expect this. It’s like you don’t
want
to go into each other’s minds… or don’t want the other to see yours.”
Sophie winced. The possibility of Fitz seeing everything that went down with her and his best friend the same night they ended things was definitely keeping her defenses up, and she wasn’t sure how to lower them—or even sure if she wanted to.
“It’s just awkward, that’s all,” Fitz said.
“Nope,” Tiergan said, shaking his head. “I’ve seen you two during
awkward
times. It’s not like this. Suddenly, for some reason,
both of you
have secrets. Secrets you’re willing to compromise your cognatedom over.”
Was she really willing to compromise their cognatedom?
Sophie looked over at Fitz, who did the same. For the first time since they’d parted, expecting tears but feeling empty instead, they met eyes. “I wouldn’t say that,” Fitz said quietly.”
“Me neither.”
“Okay. Okay, that’s progress.” Tiergan looked like he’d aged a full ten years just having this conversation. “Try again?”
Sophie didn’t know how to let Fitz into her mind, but she concentrated on how badly she didn’t want this to fall apart. She wanted to keep this, to keep
him
in the way she actually cared about them, even if it wasn’t what they’d thought for the last seven months. They’d been wrong. It had been seven whole months, and they’d been wrong.
But their cognatedom was worth saving, even if it meant admitting to something that still made her equal parts elated and guilty when she thought about it.
“You’re still blocking me,” Fitz said, sighing.
“I’m not!” Sophie insisted, even though she had no real way of knowing.
“Look, I don’t know why you guys are suddenly so keen on keeping secrets from each other,” Tiergan said, “but would it help if you gilded some of your memories? That way when you talk about… whatever’s going on here, you can keep some boundaries up and don’t have to show each other exactly what you’re worried about sharing. You can use whatever words you like, and as long as you aren’t lying, your cognatedom should be fine.”
“Yes,” Sophie and Fitz said immediately and in unison, so quickly that Tiergan’s facial expression immediately became concerned.
“Do I want to know what’s going on here?”
“No,” they both said, equally as fast. Then they shared a look, and Sophie couldn’t help being curious as to what Fitz was talking about. Surely it could not be as bad as… this.
Sophie didn’t need Fitz to see her and Keefe being… whatever.
But what was Fitz hiding?
“Okay, yeah, do not tell me,” Tiergan said emphatically. “But try gilding these off-limits secret memories, and see if you’re able to connect then.”
Sophie closed her eyes, doing the well-practiced visualization exercise of bringing all her secret memories to the front of her mind and dumping them in a brightly colored box. She chose the color blue as she ran over the entire experience of the prior night. Reliving the moments, even for a few seconds, already had her heart rate speeding up slightly. For as guilty as she felt, she knew she would do all of it again in a heartbeat. She was already getting sidetracked wondering when she’d next have the opportunity to be alone with him. They needed to talk, obviously, and she wanted him to hug her and reiterate all those sweet confessions he’d whispered into her hair as they fell asleep, proving he meant them and wasn’t just caught up in the moment.
And then she wanted a repeat.
She shook her head to clear it off all her daydreaming and fantasizing, focusing on leaving the memories Fitz didn’t need to see with a light blue tint.
“Are you guys done?”
“Yep,” Sophie and Fitz said, once again in unison.
“Well, you’re clearly in sync,” Tiergan muttered. “Give it a try. See if you can mentally connect.”
This time, Sophie felt the familiar feeling of her mental energy mixing with her cognate’s. “It worked!” Fitz explained.
“Alright, you two. Confession time. I cannot stand the energy in this room right now.”
Do you see the ones you’re supposed to not look at?
Fitz asked.
Yeah. They’re red. And trust me, I’m not looking. I definitely wouldn’t want you to look at mine.
The blue ones?
Yeah.
Sophie took a stabilizing breath, hoping it would bring her courage to tell the truth. Hopefully Fitz wouldn’t be too hurt. Hopefully he’d understand.
How about on three, we say them at the same time, and then we talk about whatever feels most pressing.
She had a feeling “I slept with you best friend the night we broke up” was going to feel most pressing, but she also wanted the possibility that he wouldn’t hear her properly. It was hard to admit, and she couldn’t exactly mumble the words, since they were talking telepathically.
Okay.
One, two, three…
Sophie rushed out
I slept with Keefe
at the same time as Fitz said
I slept with Stina.
Both of their eyes flew open, and they stared at each other for a moment. Then, in unison: “WHAT?!”
“I see the confession has been made,” Tiergan said approvingly.
“So… you too, huh?” Sophie mumbled.
“I mean, you can’t exactly judge me. I mean…” Fitz ran a hand through his hair. “You always told me not to worry…”
“I meant it. And you didn’t have to. Not a single thing happened until that night.”
“For us too,” Fitz promised. “It’s just, you know… heat of the moment—”
“Telepathically,”
Tiergan exclaimed. “I cannot stress how much I do not want to know what this is about.”
Sophie’s cheeks colored, and she let Fitz back into her mind.
I get it,
she said. ‘
Heat of the moment’ is right. We barely knew it was happening until it was.
So… I guess what we had wasn’t really love, was it?
Probably not,
Sophie admitted.
Not if we immediately left to the next person we were closest to and ended up…
Yeah.
It was hard to wrap her mind around the idea that Fitz and Stina could be anything like her and Keefe. Sophie and Stina barely managed to pretend to get along long enough for Team Valiant meetings. She knew Fitz talked to her more than she did, and that they were on friendlier terms, but…
that
kind of friendly?
Even though the whole situation would have sounded impossible to Sophie from a week ago, if you’d told her “you’re going to sleep with Keefe” and “Fitz is going to sleep with Stina,” she would have been more willing to believe the first than the second, no matter how ludicrous both things sounded.
So, uh… sorry for hooking up with your best friend the night we broke up?
Sorry for hooking up with your sworn enemy the night we broke up,
Fitz replied.
Though I don’t know if “sorry” is the right word for it. Would you do it again?
Sophie knew there was a right answer here. Either she was supposed to say
No,
say she regretted it, and he would agree and they’d move on, or she was supposed to say
Yes,
because he felt the same way. She was too scared of playing the guessing game and losing to say anything but the truth.
Yeah,
she admitted.
Would you?
Yeah.
They say in an increasingly comfortable silence after that, until Sophie finally asked,
Do you think it’s better this way?
Do I think what’s better?
I mean… do you think Stina is better for you than me?
Sophie winced, wishing it was literally anyone but Stina. It was hard for her to think that Fitz might have felt the way with Stina that she felt with Keefe: like her and Fitz never would have reached that sort of magic, that sort of passion that could only be fueled by love.
Stina,
of all people.
I know that’s gotta be hard for you to think about. I know you and her don’t really get along. But… yeah.
Fitz sighed.
Is that how you felt about Keefe?
Definitely.
That’s… also kind of hard for me to swallow,
Fitz admitted.
But it’s not like I can judge you for it.
Yeah, you can’t be throwing stones from your glass house.
I—huh?
Nevermind. Human phrase.
Sophie fidgeted with her hands, wondering if there was anything else to say.
I guess it’s a good thing we’re keeping these memories out of reach.
Definitely,
Fitz agreed.
How about from now on, any such memory gets immediately thrown in the Don’t Look Over Here box, okay? I really don’t want to know anything more than necessary about your sex with my best friend.
Sophie grimaced.
YEAH. I don’t want to see that either. Especially if it’s Stina.
Makes sense. So… we’re good?
“We’re good,” Sophie answered out loud.
“Okay. Delightful. Whatever you guys just did, if it worked, it worked,” Tiergan said, checking the clock. “And it also burned the entire session, but I think you guys needed it.”
“We did,” Fitz said, and Sophie nodded in confirmation. “It definitely made some stuff easier.”
Sophie wondered if Fitz had been feeling the same guilt as she had about moving on so quickly. Whatever had been putting negative tension between them seemed to have eased, as though the knowledge that they’d both found something better in someone else made it easier to realize the seven months they’d spent thinking they were endgame were never really love in the first place.
As they left the room, losing each other as they walked through the busy Foxfire halls, her mind drifted to the night she spent with Keefe, the sweet confessions he’d whispered as she lay on his chest as they drifted to sleep, and everything that might come from it now.