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The pre-sessional tests had honestly been kind of fun. If he managed to ignore the nerves about what came next, Theo could enjoy answering the questions about himself. He already knew what the results would be. It wasn't news to him when the email came through declaring him a Little, he'd picked RBU with that in mind. It was going to be a big change, moving to the US for college, but he wanted more than anything to be on the little track at RBU. It wasn't the test results he was worried about, it was what came after that. That email came a little later, which unfortunately gave him plenty of time to get wound up and anxious about it. And, really, who could blame him? Being assigned an Accountability Partner was a big deal! What if they didn't like Littles? What if they did like Littles, but didn't want a broken one? What if they didn't want him? He knew, logically, that he wouldn't be assigned an AP who hated Littles. He'd get someone in the Caregiver track, that was the whole point of the tests, so they could be paired up with the right partners. But the other worries were harder to get rid of. He knew he wasn't a 'normal' Little, he didn't fit the image everyone expected. What if his AP resented getting stuck with such a weird partner? He spent the weeks leading up to the partnering email going over and over these worries in his head, with them only getting bigger and more anxiety-inducing with each day that passed.So, when the partnering email finally came, in the middle of a rainy afternoon a month or so before the semester would begin, it was a bit of an anticlimax. A straightforward, short thing, giving him the name and email address of his assigned Accountability Partner. It was as if the email didn't understand its own significance. Alan Pattem, [email
protected], and the contact details for student support in case there were any problems. Theo wanted to contact the support staff immediately, to ask them how this was supposed to work, what he was supposed to say. Was he supposed to get in touch first, or was that the Top's right? Would it seem like he was acting out or being uppity? But if he didn't, would that seem rude? He wrote and deleted what felt like a thousand drafts over the course of the next few hours, finally settling on a few short, overly formal sentences saying that he was looking forward to working with Mr Pattem in the coming semester. It was stilted and stuffy and he sort of hated it, but not quite as much as he hated the idea of seeming rude and standoffish. He had to send something, and this was the best he could manage.The evening was an excruciating cycle of checking his inbox, finding no response, and trying desperately to distract himself until the urge got too strong for him to resist checking again. Sleep didn't come easily that night, not that it ever really did. When the morning finally arrived, the sun watery but bright as it shone through the crack in his curtains, Theo reached for his phone, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the glare of the screen. It took a moment for his mind to catch up with what he saw, his thinking still a little sluggish from the difficult night. In amongst the wall of notifications, for games and social media and seemingly every other app his phone held, was a notification from his new RBU email account.A reply.He fumbled the phone as he hurried to unlock it, eagerly opening the app that held his RBU emails. Theo wasn't sure what he was expecting - maybe something short and polite, like he'd tried to write? Maybe something kind but brief and to-the-point, informing him that Mr Pattem had requested a different AP? He'd spent plenty of time worrying about his partner's response, but somehow hadn't actually considered what that response was likely to be.What appeared when he opened the email, though, definitely took him by surprise. It was long. Before he even started reading, he could see that his partner's email was far, far longer than the one he had sent, and his stomach tightened at the idea that he might have seemed brusque. It took several moments for his curiosity to override his fear, but he did at last start to read the long message in front of him.Alan was...sweet? Sweet, and kind of funny, he thought, though he wasn't sure how much of that was on purpose. He'd introduced himself, given quite a bit of his backstory and his plans for the future. He was on the Caregiver track, at which Theo gave a sigh of relief. Majoring in creative writing and comparative literature, only one of which Theo had ever heard of. He made a mental note to look up comparative literature as soon as he was done reading the email. He was from Iowa, which was...corn, right? Corn and Captain Kirk, that was about as much as Iowa-based knowledge as he could dredge up. He was polite, too, which made Theo equal parts pleased and nervous. It was nice to have an AP who was polite to him, but would that mean he'd wind up with tons of rules around manners? Theo did try to be polite - at least, he tried to be polite most of the time - but social rules and cues didn't come naturally to him, and he didn't want to be accidentally breaking rules all the time. Alan was polite, though. He'd apologised for taking so long to reply to Theo's email, explaining that, between the time difference and his shift at a second hand bookstore across town from campus, he hadn't had the chance to sit down and write out a message until after Theo had gone to bed. He said he's wanted to give the email the time and focus it deserved, rather than dashing off something impersonal as soon as he'd had a moment to spare. Theo wasn't sure if that was meant to be a dig at him - did Alan think his short first contact email had seemed inattentive? It didn't feel inattentive to Theo, but then again, he'd seen all of the drafts, started and abandoned in turn as he'd tried to craft just the right message. He tried to focus on what he was reading, rather than on his worries, but he knew he was chewing his lip in concern as he read. The rest of the email was cheerful and welcoming, telling Theo he was looking forward to their partnership, too, and then came the final paragraph.There were questions. Not about their partnership, Theo knew that they'd have those discussions in person in orientation week, but questions about him. Where he was from, how he was feeling about becoming a student at RBU, whether he was looking forward to the Little track, what he was going to major in, whether he had his dorm assignment yet. It seemed like everything Alan had told him about himself, he wanted to know about Theo, too. It felt like a lot. Theo wasn't quite sure why Alan wanted to know so much. Maybe he was being polite? Theo knew that when a person asked you a question, you were supposed to ask the same question back. So maybe Alan was just showing good manners by asking Theo to tell him everything about himself because Alan had shared everything first. That made sense, he thought. Right at the end of the paragraph, Alan said that he was looking forward to getting an email back from Theo, but maybe that was more good manners. He hadn't shared his number, or anything like that, and Theo knew from the group chats of incoming RBU students that most APs had switched to texting rather than emailing pretty much immediately. So maybe Alan was trying to keep him at arm's length? But he had said that he was looking forward to hearing back from Theo, so the polite thing to do would probably be to email back.His response took longer to craft than he thought it probably should have. He did his best to answer most of the questions Alan had asked, and tried to give the appropriate responses to what his partner had shared about himself. He wanted to ask a thousand questions, wanted to know what rules Alan planned to set for him, what sort of Top and Caregiver he was, whether he would still be nice to Theo when he knew he wasn't a normal Little. He knew he couldn't actually ask any of these questions, of course, but they swam around inside him, twisting his stomach into knots as he wrote. The final email felt like the longest one he'd ever written, and his breath caught in his chest as he hit the send button.That was the way things stayed, all the way until orientation week. As Theo moved from his UK home to his RBU dorm room, he and Alan continued to exchange long emails. He'd usually wake up to a notification from Alan in his inbox, and every morning he'd reply, telling his partner about what progress he was making along the journey. It reminded Theo of old-fashioned letter writing, and when he tried to form a picture of Alan in his mind, he always looked like some old-fashioned gentleman in a suit and tie, sitting at a writing desk with fountain pen in hand. His mental picture was all he knew when it came to Alan's looks. There had never been a photo attached to any of the long emails, and Theo had worried it would be rude to ask for one. At least not receiving one meant he didn't have to send one in return - he couldn't decide whether that would be better, or worse. On the one hand, he was worried that once Alan saw him, he'd request a different partner, so was reluctant to show himself. On the other, though, he felt like he was, in a way, just delaying the inevitable. He wondered what happened to students at RBU if they couldn't find an AP willing to work with them. Sure, at first they'd be paired with other matches, but what happened if all those other matches requested different partners? What was the RBU policy for unpartnerable students?It was these thoughts, and many more like them, that swam through Theo's head as he waited anxiously at a table in the back of the campus coffee shop. The Roasted Asspresso was swarming with new students, all in pairs or groups, all brimming with excitement for the semester ahead. He wondered how they all knew each other so well already - it was only the second day of orientation week, and moving into his dorm room the previous day had taken all of his energy. Hadn't everyone flopped onto their beds, surrounded by boxes, and decided to leave socialising for another day? Apparently not, because everyone around him was chatting animatedly, seeming like they'd known each other for years, not like they'd met no more than a day ago. He wondered if Alan was like these people - maybe he was one of these people, and he'd forgotten that he was supposed to meet Theo today, too caught up in the excitement of spending time with all his new friends. Maybe he'd come in, seen Theo sitting alone at a table, worked out who he was, and had immediately run away at the sight of his assigned AP. Theo hadn't realised that his breathing had sped up and his vision had tunneled until a voice made him suddenly start.
'Hey, are you okay?'
Theo jumped a little, looking up. The guy in front of him had a furrowed brow and dark eyes. They were pretty eyes, deep brown and full of concern. He hadn't realised that he was staring, or that he hadn't answered, until the stranger spoke again.
'You, uh, looked pretty stressed. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, unless...' the stranger looked him up and down, his eyebrows lifting a little in anticipated recognition, before asking 'Theo?'
At hearing his name, Theo seemed to find his voice again. Clearing his throat and giving himself a little shake out of his stupor, he answered.
'Yeah, yes, hello, Theo Rose, I mean, I'm Theo Rose -' it was his turn for his brow to furrow as he broke off. 'Wait, how did you know that?'
The face with the pretty eyes crinkled into a smile, and Theo's heart fluttered a little.
'You're the only one sitting alone, and you'd said you weren't planning on bringing any moral support along, so I thought it must have been you' he put one hand up in a sort of half-wave. 'I'm Alan, it's nice to finally meet you.'
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
That first meeting at the coffee shop had been...pleasant. They'd sat across from each other as Alan drank a coffee and Theo sipped at an apple juice, making what Theo hoped was polite small talk. It had felt different from their email exchanges, shallower, less expansive. That made sense, he supposed. When you were talking to someone in person, it wasn't polite to speak for a really long time the way you would in an email. Alan still asked a lot of questions, though. He asked about how Theo had found his journey, whether he liked his new dorm room, whether he'd made any friends yet. At that last question, Theo had mumbled something into his straw about having been busy unpacking, feeling a little funny at the half-truth. Alan hadn't pushed, though, instead moving on to talking about how much busier his work was going to get now that the students were back on campus. Theo heard all about Twice Read Tails, the second hand bookshop Alan worked in, its café, and its famous black and blue blondies - Alan leant in conspiratorially and stage-whispered that nothing on the Roasted Asspresso menu could compare. It was nice, Theo thought. Alan was fun to talk to. He seemed interested in Theo, but he also seemed to know when to back off, not being too invasive. That was about to go out of the window, though - it was the following day, and they'd agreed to meet in Theo's dorm room to go over their partnership paperwork. Invasive probably didn't even cover it.Theo perched nervously on his bed, fidgeting with the arms of the weighted teddy bear who sat on his lap. Alan was supposed to arrive any minute, and his nerves felt like they were going to swallow him whole. Paperwork was good, he liked paperwork, but this was something else. It wasn't just going to be little boxes that needed to be filled with factual details, it was going to be things that required discussion. Rules and limits and, well, discipline. It wasn't as if Theo had signed up to RBU without knowing what kind of school it was - he wanted to be immersed in the lifestyle, to have it built into his life and education. He'd signed up to a spanking school and he didn't regret it, knowing with all his heart that he was in the right place, but it was one thing to want all of this and another thing entirely to sit down and discuss it one-on-one. He was going to have to be vulnerable with Alan, and while they did sort of know each other from their emails and the previous day's meeting, it still felt a bit too much like exposing his deepest, darkest truths to a stranger. Would this be the thing that made Alan run? Theo was going to have to tell him...well, not quite everything, but a hell of a lot. What if he scared him off?The spiralling thoughts were cut off by a rhythmic knock on the door, which made Theo jump. He pushed the teddy bear under the covers and took a deep breath as he walked over to the door. Opening it, he was greeted by Alan's warm smile. He did his best to smile back, but wasn't sure how successful he was. Alan's smile didn't falter, though, and he walked through the door as Theo held it open, so his attempt at a smile couldn't have been too awful. He hadn't scared his AP off yet, at least. Alan held up a carton of apple juice.'I figured this was a safe bet? I noticed you weren't drinking coffee yesterday, but I was picking one up for myself on the way and I thought it'd be rude to turn up empty handed, so, juice?' he held out the carton, looking a little awkward as he stood there. Theo tried another smile and took it.'Thank you, yes, coffee is a no but apple juice is almost always a yes,' he gestured at the room's furniture. 'Would you like the chair or the bed? To sit on, I mean. The chair has the desk, obviously, so that could be good for the paperwork, but the bed's more comfortable, and I have a little folding table if you want something to lean on?'The look on Alan's face wasn't one he quite understood. It was a smile, but not the smile from when he'd been at the door, or from when they'd met in the cafe. It wasn't as big as those smiles, but it was still crinkly, especially around his eyes. Theo needed to stop looking at his eyes so much. Was he staring? He quickly redirected his attention to the floor, hoping he hadn't made Alan uncomfortable.'The chair's fine, hon, thanks,' he caught Theo's eye as he sat down. 'I want you to be comfortable, especially for all this'The vague hand-waving gesture he made at the paperwork he'd pulled from his bag explained what "all this" meant. Theo wasn't quite sure what to say, so he nodded as he sat back down on the bed, fiddling with the straw on his juice carton.'Do you need a pen? I know it's your room, but I still brought spares just in case, I wasn't sure if you were set up with all your supplies yet.''Um, not all my supplies, not all the school stuff, I mean, I still have to go to the bookstore and to that other place, the one with the, uh, other stuff,' he felt his face flush and wanted to kick himself. He was plenty comfortable getting spanked, so why did it make him blush to say that he needed to go buy implements?'Wear Out? Yeah, it'll be busy this week, all the new students getting stocked up, but it's good to get there early if you can, those supplies are important,' he gave a sort of half-smile, 'So is that a yes or a no on the pen?''Oh!' Theo flushed deeper as he realised he'd totally forgotten to answer the question, 'Yes, please, a pen would be great, thank you'It wasn't that he didn't have any, but he didn't want Alan to see the brightly-coloured easy-grip pen in his bedside drawer. They were made for kids, and they weren't subtle, and Alan would probably ask questions about it, or maybe he'd make fun of him - it was just better to borrow the pen.'So, first things first,' Alan said, pulling the top two sheets from the pile once they were both armed with pens and paperwork, 'limits and boundaries. How do you want to do this?'Theo stared down at the sheets. There were four sides of itemised lists, covering what he thought must be just about every limit RBU had ever encountered.'If we cross them out they won't be readable, and we probably want to distinguish between hard and soft limits, so maybe an X next to any that are limits, and for the hard limits we circle them as well?''Sounds great!' Alan smiled. Theo wondered if he ever stopped smiling. Did Alan smile the normal amount, and he didn't, and that's why it seemed odd to him? Or maybe Alan really did smile more often than everybody else. Or maybe it was an American thing?'You doing okay in there, hon?' Theo blinked, unaware that he'd been staring as his thoughts mounted. 'You looked like you were thinking real hard about something, is it the limits stuff?''No, sorry, I just, uh...' Theo scrambled for an excuse that wasn't "I was thinking about how often you smile", but luckily Alan stepped in before he needed one.'No need to be sorry. Let's get these filled out, then we can compare so we get on the same page'Theo nodded, focusing on the first page in front of them. He circled anything that looked remotely sexual, his face contorting into a small grimace at just the mention of the possibility. Every aspect of sensory deprivation was marked as a hard limit, along with any impact to his hands or feet. He knew it was probably safe enough, but he'd heard one too many stories of lasting damage done to hands by cane-wielding teachers of old. As for his feet...well, he was ticklish, and he really didn't want that coming up mid-punishment. The section on positions made him squirm, wondering whether Alan would think he was being difficult by marking some of the items down as limits. He knew RBU was big on putting students over the knee, but if they put it down as a possible limit, they had to know that some people would select it, right? Chewing on his lower lip, he pushed on with the paperwork. Punishments took up the majority of the space on the sheets, which he thought probably made sense given where they were. He tried not to let his mind wander as he scanned over the writing, only pausing occasionally to mark something. Secondary punishments were mostly okay, though he put a hesitant cross by "standing in the corner".When he reached the end of the list, he looked up to see Alan gazing at him. Not staring, just sort of...gently looking. Could a person look gently?'You done?' he asked, and Theo was seized by a sudden worry that he'd taken too long. Alan seemed to sense this, hastening to reassure him, 'I only finished a minute ago'Theo nodded, holding out his completed list. Alan took it with another of his smiles, setting it on the desk alongside his own and beginning to look over them, nodding and making little noises from time to time as he read. It felt like Theo had been silently watching him for an age when Alan finally looked up from the lists.'Looks good! Would you like to read over mine yourself, or do you want me to just give you the abridged version?''I can look,' he reached out a hand for the papers. Alan looked at him for a moment, an inscrutable look on his face, but handed the pages over easily enough. As he scanned them, Theo was relieved to see that they were on he same page about almost everything. Alan didn't have quite so many limits as he did, and he had a more even balance of soft and hard limits than had been on Theo's mostly hard list, but it was enough similarity to reassure him. Seeing that Alan had also marked down limits against anything sexual, he let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding. Looking back up at Alan, he nodded, offering back the papers.'We'll file copies of these with the school, so they'll be in our records, and we'll keep personal copies too. If you want to change something, though, you know you can do that whenever, right? There's official renegotiation sessions at the end of each semester, but you don't have to wait for those if you change your mind about something in between.'He looked so serious and sincere, but Theo wanted to make sure.'What if I change my mind about something you don't want me to change my mind about?''Couldn't happen, kiddo. If you change your mind, you let me know, and we can get the records changed straight away.''What if you think I'm just saying I change my mind because I want to get out of a punishment?' Theo's question was met with a quirked eyebrow.'You planning on switching to the Brat track?' His head shook furiously. 'You planning on lying to me to get out of a punishment?' Another shake. 'Well, then I don't think we need to worry, hon. Don't you worry, if a punishment goes on your limits list, I'll still have plenty ideas for how to keep you in line,' Alan smirked, and Theo squirmed. 'You good to move on? Next bit's rules.'The rules sheet was a lot less intense than the limits one. Well, it looked less intense - more gaps, not just a great long list. Filling it out was probably going to be trickier. This one, Theo knew, would involve discussion. Looking over the page, Alan summarised the introduction section.'School says I've got to give you at least three, but they recommend five, and there's a note that ten or more aren't recommended for Littles,' he looked up from the page at Theo. 'How about we shoot for five? If it's what they recommend, they probably have a reason.''What if you think we need to add more later?''First off, squirt, it'll be we, not just me. If I think you need a new rule, I'll talk to you about it. This is still new, I'm not gonna go pulling rank on you just yet. If we decide, together, that the rules need to be changed, or added to, or anything like that, we can do that, just like with the limits stuff.'Theo nodded, hands fidgeting in his lap. He wished he was still holding his bear, but he wanted to be grown up and mature while they did their paperwork, and that meant no teddy bear.'Rules,' he said in his most grown up voice, before faltering as he realised that he didn't actually know what he'd planned on saying next.'Rules,' Alan repeated, nodding in mock-solemn agreement. 'Would you like to tell me about anything you'd like rules for, or would you prefer if I made suggestions and you told me how you felt about them?''You,' he said, barely letting Alan finish his sentence, 'Um, please?' he added after a moment, realising he'd forgotten his manners in his determination to avoid being the leader of the discussion. Alan just smiled at him, and he did his best to not get distracted thinking about his smiles again.'Your wellbeing is my top priority,' the look directed at him made Theo squirm. 'So, first rule, keep yourself safe. Does that sound good?' He nodded. 'Second rule, no lying. What we're doing here needs trust for it to work, so lies are a big no. Big, little, by omission, outright, all of them'll get you in trouble with me. Understood?' Theo nodded again. Objecting to that rule would definitely have seemed suspicious. He wanted to ask what would happen if he lied, and whether that rule applied to lies he may or may not have already told, but he didn't want to interrupt. He also maybe didn't want to get in trouble, but that definitely wasn't the main reason he was keeping quiet. Nope. Not at all.'Now, the school's assigned me as your accountability partner, so I reckon our rules should include some academic accountability. Sound fair?''Yeah, yes, sorry, that sounds like it's probably fair' Alan quirked an eyebrow at him, but kept going.'So no late assignments - your professors won't let that fly, and when they spank you for it, you'll get spanked again at home, but there'll be some additional punishment on top of what's expected because you'll be breaking one of our rules. How does that sound to you?'It sounded scary and lovely and exhilarating all at once, but saying that would probably make him sound weird, so instead Theo just went with, 'Sounds okay, I think''I know I mentioned it to you a few times in our emails, but your sleeping habits aren't great, are they?' Theo ducked his head, chewing on his lower lip. 'Hey, now, nothing to be ashamed of, and you're not in trouble, but I think it would be a good idea to set you a bedtime. How would you feel about that?''Okay, I think. I am quite bad at sleeping, so it makes sense,' Theo shrugged, still not looking up.'I know you're on the Little track, but I also know that it's important for you to have a social life, so how about 10:30 on school nights?' He looked up at that, blinking. He hadn't expected that kind of leniency, and he wasn't quite sure how he felt about it.'10:30?' he checked. Alan looked at him steadily.'Tell me what you're thinking, hon. Is that too early, are you worried about missing out on things?' Theo resisted a strange urge to giggle.'Not too early, no, thank you, 10:30 is fine!''We'll keep an eye on that one and review as needed, I think,' Alan made a note of the rule, but was looking at Theo in a strange way as he did so. 'The fifth and final rule, unless you have any you'd like to request?' Theo shook his head, 'Then your last rule is that I expect you to keep a daily journal. Doesn't have to be long or in depth every day, but I expect you to put aside some time for it before bed. Do you think you can do that?''I think so? But, I mean, what do I write?' There was the quirked eyebrow again. How did this guy have such an animated face?'Theo. You're in a completely new place, living a completely new life. I think you'll find something to write about every day. And even if you don't, even if you have the most boring day in the world, you can just write that if you have to. What matters to me is that you're taking the time to pause, process, and reflect. Do you know why I stuck to emails for all our talking after we got partnered?'Theo shook his head. He had been wondering (or, perhaps more accurately, worrying) about what the answers to that very question could be. He'd spent lot of time turning it over in his head, trying to understand why his AP hadn't wanted a more direct line of communication.'I believe that taking the time to sit out and write in longform, to give something your full attention like that, is really good for your mind. It gives you some breathing room, a quiet, calm oasis in your day, and it also shows someone that you care enough to give them your time and attention. I want you to give yourself that time and attention, because you deserve it. Does that make sense?''Yessir,' he nodded. Alan smiled one of his big, crinkly smiles again, and Theo's tummy fluttered a little.'Well it's a good thing that's the rules done, cause that leads us very nicely into something else we need to discuss.'
Theo froze. Whenever a Top mentioned discussions, it could usually only mean one thing for his butt. Had he messed up already? Well, yes, he knew that, but how had Alan found out? He stared at him with wide eyes, waiting for the warmth of the smile to drop and be replaced by disappointment, but it stayed in place.'What would you like us to call each other? We can stick to Theo and Alan if you'd like, although you can call me Al,' he grinned at his own joke. 'Or if there's something else you'd rather call me, that's okay too. I don't want to push you into calling me "Daddy" if that's not something you want or something you're comfortable with, but if you'd prefer it, that's okay too'That was a lot, and not what he'd been expecting. His head swam a little as he tried to recalibrate, switching in-trouble-mode for normal-discussion mode.'Maybe Al for now?' he asked hesitantly. It's not that he didn't want to call him Daddy, but he didn't want to get attached to him too quickly. It would only make it hurt more if he left. Al didn't seem to mind, just kept smiling at him.'That's fine by me, hon. And I know you're a Theodore, but I won't break out the full name unless you've earned it - speaking of, any middle names I should know about? Wanna make sure you get the full effect so you know you're in trouble,' he grinned. Theo felt his face flush.'You're gonna laugh,' he mumbled. Al's face became mock-serious as he held up one hand and put the other on his heart.'Swear down, bug, I won't laugh at you, especially not for your name. It's part of you, so I'm sure it's just lovely.'Theo wasn't so sure, but Al's face looked so sincere. And it wasn't as if they could get through the whole semester without his full name ever coming up. Al was bound to see it on an official document at some point. Burying his head in his hands, he mumbled his full name.'What was that, hon? Couldn't quite hear you through your hands' Theo's face flushed deeper, but he lifted his head and enunciated harder than was probably necessary.'Theodore. Anselm. Augustine. Rose.' It was Al's turn to blink.'That's a big name for a little guy,' he managed after a moment. 'Hey, d'you think that since you got two middle names, and I didn't get any, we sort of balance each other out?''It's a confirmation name. The second one, I mean.' Al looked confused. 'Religious family. Though you probably got that from the names straight away' he resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands again.'Ah! Are you still religious? There's a chapel on campus, they have services, I think. Not sure when, though' Theo made a hand gesture that he hoped conveyed "it's complicated".'I'm going to check out the chapel, though. It looks nice, and since it's here I'm hoping it'll be pretty accepting? You hear stuff about American churches, y'know, but things are probably kind of different when that American church is the school chapel at the country's foremost lifestyle college' Al grinned at that, and Theo grinned back, feeling like he'd done something right.'I can come with you, if you like, so long as I'm not working. Heck, even if I am, I could probably find someone to cover my shift if I tell them what it's for''You don't have to do that,' Theo rushed to assure him, 'I don't want to get in the way of your work''Hey,' Al gave him another of those level looks, pausing until Theo returned it. 'If it's important to you, it's important to me, okay? I wouldn't offer if I wasn't okay with following through'Theo nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Al relaxed, smiling, and reached over for the last of the paperwork.'I left this til the end cause it's probably going to be the most boring, but also the easiest. You'll have given the school all this on your intake papers already, but it's good for us to have it for our partnership, too,' he passed a set of forms over to Theo, and his stomach dropped. 'Nothing complicated, just emergency contacts and health info. Want to get started?'Ah. Fuck.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Theo looked down at the forms, his vision swimming. He hadn't realised that the paperwork would involve this. His student record had all this information already, he'd exchanged what felt like thousands of emails with disability services before the semester, he thought everything was settled. Why did he have to go through it all again, and this time where Alan could see?Of course, rationally, he knew why. He understood that it was important for there to be openness about things that might affect their partnership, things that could pose dangers or risks. But it was really hard to focus on that when he felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest.'Theo? You okay?' Al's voice seemed far away. 'Hon?'He was vaguely aware of Alan moving from the chair to kneel by the bed. His voice still felt far away, like Theo was hearing it from underwater.'Okay, Theo, breathe with me, yeah? In...and out. In...and out.'He tried to match Alan's slow, measured breathing as best he could. In and out, he thought. In and out.'You're doing so well, hon, that's right, just like that'His vision wasn't as swimmy, and his lungs no longer felt like they were trapped in a vice. Alan's voice didn't sound so far away anymore, and he clung onto it like a lifeline.'Good boy, you're doing so well'At the praise, something in him balked. He shook his head furiously, but Al just made gentle noises, like he was soothing a testy horse, continuing the stream of rumbling reassurance.'You're doing such a good job, good boy, just keep breathing like that, that's right'Theo wasn't sure how long this went on for. Minutes? Hours? It felt like an eternity as it happened, but when he finally felt like he was above the surface again, it seemed like the time had passed all too quickly. Alan had noticed the shift in his state, straightening up a little, and looked at him in a way that made Theo feel warm and squirmy all at once.'I think we need to have a talk, don't you?'Alan had pulled the chair away from the desk, positioning it to face Theo on the bed. Theo was doing his best not to look at him, eyes firmly fixed on where his hands fidgeted in his lap. When Al spoke, his voice wasn't harsh, but it was firm.'Think you can tell me what happened there?' Theo wanted desperately to shake his head, but it would only delay the inevitable. That didn't make the telling any easier, though.'Sorry,' he managed to whisper, still not looking up. 'I, um...' he faltered. What was he supposed to say? That he'd panicked because he realised he couldn't get away with lying for the entire semester?'Take a deep breath, and take your time,' Al's voice sounded softer. 'This can take as long as it needs to.' He didn't say anything else, just waited, the silence stretching out until it felt like it was going to suffocate them and Theo couldn't take it any longer.'I got scared about the form!' It came out in a jumbled rush, but Al nodded as if he'd just made a reasonable, measured point.'You got scared about the form,' he repeated back. 'Do you know why?'Theo squirmed for a moment, making a little noise of consternation, but Al just waited, his patience seemingly endless.'I...' he paused, taking a deep breath. 'I don't want you to not want me as your partner'Well, that wasn't what he'd meant to say.'I'm confused, bug. What's that got to do with the form?' He was so patient and so sweet and Theo was going to lose him, because why would such a good Caregiver want such a shitty Little? He blinked away tears that threatened to spill over.'You're not gonna want me because of the form,' he said in a small voice. 'I'm gonna do the form, then you're gonna read it, and you're not gonna want me anymore''Now why would that be? You gonna tell me you've got an old stab wound from that time you tried to fight a bunch of kittens and orphans?' Al chuckled, and Theo was surprised when he heard his own voice giving a little giggle. He sobered again quickly, though, remembering what was about to happen.'You want a normal Little.''Why don't you let me decide what I want, hm? Now, how about we go through the form together, and you can show me what you're so afraid of. Does that sound good?'It didn't, but it did sound easier than having to explain everything himself. Theo nodded. Alan stretched as he stood, picking up his own copy of the form from his desk and taking a seat next to Theo on the bed.'First things first, emergency contact. This is pretty straightforward, right?' Theo didn't answer, and after a beat, Al continued, 'I'm gonna put down my Dad, cause my Mom never knows where her cell is, so if someone tried to call her it would ring out before she picked up. How about you?''I don't know,' he admitted after a pause. 'I don't think I...I don't have anyone I can put'He didn't look at Al, didn't want to see the pity in that he know would be in his eyes. When Al next spoke, though, it wasn't in a tone of pity. His voice was softer, but his tone wasn't the one Theo had come to expect from people who he'd just said this sort of thing to.'I'm sure you're not the only one in the school who's in that boat,' he stretched out a hand to cover one of Theo's fidgeting ones, and Theo's hands stilled. 'The school will already know from your intake forms, remember, these are for us. We can leave it blank for now, and you can add someone later - there's no rule saying they have to be related to you, you can put a friend down once you trust someone enough.'Theo nodded mutely. Al's hand patted his, then drew back to pick up the pen again.'Next section, the health info. Any allergies?' Theo shook his head, and Alan drew a small cross in the box. 'Any medical or health conditions?''Why do they say medical or health? Those just mean the same thing''Nice try, bug, but you can't get out of answering the question that easy. Want me to go first?' Theo nodded again, wanting to delay for as long as possible. 'I've got something called chronic fatigue syndrome, which means my energy levels are sometimes totally shot. Also means I don't do so well with bright lights, and I'm not always great with remembering things - don't think you can use that to get out of punishments, though,' he teased, 'I keep very good records.'When he looked up from writing on the form, Theo was staring at him.'You good, bug?''Me too,' his small voice had a tone of wonder. Al smiled at him.'Hey, samesies!' He tapped his pen against the form and looked at Theo, his head slightly to one side. 'I'm guessing that's not all, though, right? Cause that doesn't seem big enough for the reaction we just had.''No Sir,' he mumbled, his head hanging down again.'No need for that, you're not in trouble. Do you think it would be easier to tell me, or to write it on the form? I'll have to ask questions after, but it might help you get over that first hurdle'Theo wasn't sure, but he nodded, taking the form and pen. He wrote in slow, slightly shaky print, not wanting to end up reading the list aloud anyway thanks to his illegible cursive. When he was done, he handed the form back to Alan, not looking at his face. Al read it, and Theo could see him nod out of the corner of his eye. This was going to be it. His secrets were out, and Alan was going to realise that he was too broken, too much work, too weird. He scrunched his eyes closed, not wanting to see what would inevitably come next.'Okay,' came Al's voice, calmer than he would have expected. Maybe it was detachment, and he was calm because he knew he wouldn't have to deal with Theo anymore. He wanted to speak, to ask for forgiveness or another chance, but his throat felt as though it was filled with tar.'No big words I don't recognise, so that's good,' he chuckled.Wait. What?'I know autism, one of my best pals growing up was autistic - he's off studying drama at some fancy school in Europe, you'll meet him when he's back home for break,' Al seemed to catch himself. 'If you want to, I mean. He's cool, though, even if I am a bit biased.' Theo's eyes were open now, blinking in confusion.'You've done a good job here, the extra notes are really helpful,' Al looked up at him with a warm, soft smile. 'Good boy, this is really well done.' There was a beat for Theo to bask in the praise, but his main feeling was still confusion. 'Now, the rest. I think I see why you were so worked up.'Was this it? Did Al understand now that he was too much? He couldn't pull his eyes away as Alan fixed him with an unreadable look. He wanted desperately to look anywhere, anywhere else, but he couldn't.'I'm not gonna pry on anything I don't need to. You don't have to explain anything but what I need to know to keep you safe. But from what you've written here, I have a couple questions.' He paused, giving Theo a moment to process his words. 'You've said here that you use a stick or a walker, but you didn't have either with you yesterday. Why's that?''I...didn't need one?' he tried. At Alan's unimpressed look, he hastily reconsidered. 'I mean, I can do sort of okay without them, it means my balance is off and I get tiredness and my pain flares up, but it not like I can't move without them or anything!' he tried to look anywhere but at Alan's face. Al didn't speak, just kept looking at him, patient, waiting. Waiting for Theo to stop digging himself even deeper into the hole he'd already made. Theo squirmed, unable to bear the heavy silence.'I didn't want to scare you off.' he finally admitted in a small voice. He stole a look at Al, whose face had softened into something softer, less stern. 'Plus, I mean, it wasn't just that, I didn't even know if the café would be accessible for my walker, so really not taking it was the sensible choice, if you think about it!''And your stick?' Al's face was still gentle, but one eyebrow had quirked upwards. Theo ducked his gaze back to his hands.'I didn't want to scare you off,' he repeated. 'Didn't want you to freak out cause you got the broken Little.''Look at me,' it was unmistakably an order, and Theo's head shot up before he'd even fully processed Al's words. 'You are not broken. I'm not going anywhere. Do you hear me?' Theo nodded, his throat not feeling capable of speech. 'Now, you and I need to have a chat about this, but I think it would be good for you to take a few minutes to breathe first. If I get the paperwork finalised and put away, d'you think you can sit here for me and do your best to get nice and calm?''Yessir,' Theo whispered, nodding again in case Al couldn't hear him. He blinked in surprise as a kiss was pressed to the top of his head, Al standing and gathering together their forms.As Al checked over the paperwork, Theo did his best to breathe slowly and evenly. Al had said he wasn't going anywhere. He was taking care with the forms, and he probably wouldn't do that if he planned to ask for a different AP. In and out. It was going to be okay. It was probably going to be okay. He rocked gently, still breathing steadily. In and out.He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he realised Al was looking at him. He smiled as Theo looked up at him, blinking as if coming back to the world.'Hey, bug. How're you feeling?' Theo shrugged. 'Can you try and come up with one feelings word for me? Doesn't have to be loads, just one word will do for now. Do you think you can do that?'He nodded, then paused. Could he do that? He scrunched up his face in concentration, and Alan's heart melted a little.'Nervous?' he offered after a few moments. He looked at Alan as if asking for confirmation, and Al's heart melted a little further.'That's great, bug, well done!' He smiled warmly, equal parts proud and relieved at the small, hesitant smile Theo gave in return. 'You're doing such a good job. Do you think you could tell me why you're feeling nervous?''I was bad, cause I didn't take my stick and I maybe sorta lied?' His dropped head muffled his voice, but Alan could still hear well enough to look sceptical at that.'Maybe sorta?''Um, maybe?''Theo, look at me, please,' the dropped head reluctantly rose. 'Do you think you lied to me?''Yessir''What did you lie to me about?''You said 'mission lies count, and that's when I don't tell you stuff I'm s'pposed to tell you,' Alan nodded encouragingly. Theo couldn't work out what his expression meant, but when Al didn't say anything, he kept going. 'I should've told you about the not well stuff. Cause it's important.''Okay,' Theo wished he knew what was going on in his mind. 'Your stick, why was that a bad choice to make?''I was bad cause I'm supposed to use it and I didn't use it and the first rule is about keep myself safe and that was not keeping myself safe.''No, bug, you weren't bad,' Theo's brow knitted, and Al tried not to get distracted by how adorable he looked. 'You made a bad choice, but you weren't bad.' He wasn't going to ask Theo if he understood - that lesson would probably take a while to learn. In the meantime, though, they had other business to attend to.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
'I think it's important that we start as we mean to go on. If I'm wishy washy with the rules now, I think it'll just make you feel insecure, and I want you to feel safe in our partnership. Does you understand?'Theo nodded. Anxious as he was, he knew that what Alan was saying made sense. He knew how much he hated it when rules were bent, how much the inconsistency made his brain feel like it was scratching at the walls.'However,' Alan began, and Theo's brow furrowed. Was Alan about to say that, even though he thought it was important to be consistent, he was going to make an exception? Looking at the pout on his Little's face, Al did his best to suppress a chuckle.'Okay, bug, don't worry - do you maybe need me to be a bit more straightforward? Too many words?'Oh he got it. Theo felt his whole body relax by several degrees, nodding emphatically. Al smiled at him, taking Theo's hands in his.'You're going to get a spanking,' it wasn't a question, but Theo nodded again. 'It's the first time I've spanked you, so I'm just going to use my hand, but you are going to be bare. Does that sound alright to you?''Yes please' Theo didn't see Alan's smile, or the way the Caregiver's feelings swelled at the trust being placed in him.'After your spanking, you're going to get your mouth soaped for lying, then you'll sit at the desk and write me a page about how you can make better choices next time. After that you'll, be able to rinse.' Al gave him a few moments to process his sentence. 'Can you give me a colour, please, bug?''Green,' Theo said firmly. 'Now, please?'Alan stood, pressing a kiss to Theo's forehead as he did so.'Yeah, bug, we're gonna start now. Can you stand up for me, please?'Gentle hands pulled down his pants and underwear in one fluid movement. They guided him to lie over the edge of the bed, one settling reassuringly on his back as the other rested lightly on his bottom.'Can you tell me why you're going to get this spanking, Theo?'Theo squirmed. Just his luck that he'd ended up with a talky Top. The hand on his bottom patted in gentle warning, and Theo pulled himself from his grumbling.'Cause I made bad choices about my stick and cause I didn't tell you stuff I shoulda told you'The first smack stung. Theo didn't quite gasp, but if he whimpered a little as Al rubbed the warm spot on his ass, well, no one needed to know that.'That's right, clever boy. You made bad choices that put you at risk, and I won't stand for it. You're going to get a nice, thorough spanking to help you remember to make better choices in the future, because you are very precious, so it's important that we look after you.'Theo was blushing so hard that he thought his face was going to end up redder than his bottom. Before the embarrassment had had time to truly settle in, though, his mind was made blank, unable to focus on anything except the firm, stinging spanks Alan was raining down.He wasn't sure how many smacks had landed when he started to wriggle. Not on purpose, he wasn't trying to misbehave, but who could really blame a guy for trying to protect his ass when it was under attack? He was vaguely aware of Al's grip shifting, his hand moving from where it rested on his lower back to more firmly grasp his hip. Newly pinned, he couldn't wriggle out of the line of fire, just had to lie there and take what Alan dished out. Why had he been so stupid? Why hadn't he just taken his damn stick? If he was just being spanked for the lying, it would probably be over by now - they were only lies by omission, after all. But no, he'd left his stick and walker in his dorm room, so here he was, still getting spanked, not even able to squirm about it.Alan's focus shifted, Theo's bottom almost at a satisfactory shade. His next spanks landed on tender, pale thighs, and Theo began to whine and yelp with each strike. As he moved to target sensitive sit spots, the whine became almost continuous, Theo's toes bouncing. He began a final round of spanks focussed on Theo's ass, determined to get his message across.'You are precious,' he punctuated his words with firm, unforgiving smacks. 'Your wellbeing is important. You are to look after yourself. Is that understood?' A spank emphasised each word of the question.'Yessir!' came the gasping wail. Alan reminded himself of why he was doing this, determined not to lose his resolve in the last moments of the spanking.'Every time you do something detrimental to your wellbeing, you will end up back here,' he lectured. 'Every. Single. Time. I care about you, and I am going to hold you accountable, even if that means spanking you every hour, on the hour. Do you hear me?''Yeeeeees!''Good boy.' Alan ended the spanking with two stinging smacks, one to each of Theo's already-aching sit spots. The hand holding his hip moved to rub his back in large, soothing circles. 'You were so good, sweetie, so good,' he murmured, letting Theo slowly come back to himself. 'Such a good boy, you took your spanking so well, I'm so proud of you.'Theo was aware of his breathing first. He felt his chest moving heavily against the bed, then his cheek pressed against the blankets. It felt like an eternity passed in a strange, liminal space before he finally became aware of the ache covering his ass and thighs.'...ow.' Theo's voice came half-muffled by the bedding, and Alan did his best not to chuckle.'Hey sweetie. You back with us?''I was good?' His voice came clearer this time, his head lifted. Alan was pretty sure this Little was gonna turn his heart into a puddle in no time at all.'So good, bug. How're you feeling? Ready for the rest of your discipline, or do you need a little longer?' Theo had started pushing himself up before Alan had even finished speaking. 'Well, that answers that question. Do you remember what's gonna happen next?''Soap and essay,' he was doing his best not to grimace.'And can you give me a colour for those, please?''Green even though it's yucky,' he said with a decisive nod. Alan smiled, reaching out a hand to lead him into the attached bathroom.'So, Theo,' he began once the Little was seated, lathering up the bar of school-issued soap as he spoke. 'Can you tell me why you're going to get your mouth soaped?''I didn't tell you important stuff about me not being well and that's lies by omission and those are not allowed.''That's right, clever boy! Can you tell me why those aren't allowed, and why it's important to be truthful about important things like your health?' Theo's face scrunched up in concentration as he considered his answers..'Lies not allowed because we need to trust each other and we can't trust each other if there's lying. Specially important to tell the truth to you about being not well cause you need to know that stuff to keep me safe,' his voice rose at the end of the answer as if he was asking for confirmation.'That's exactly right, well done! I'm really proud of you for knowing that. This,' he rose the now well-lathered bar, 'is going to help make sure you remember to tell the truth next time, okay?'At the responding nod, Alan took Theo's chin in hand, tapping his thumb against the slightly-pouted lips. Theo opened obediently, and Al tried not to grimace in sympathy as he pushed the bar into his mouth. He slowly counted the seconds as he scrubbed the bar against Theo's tongue, his cheeks, the roof of his mouth. When his count reached thirty, he set the soap back on the side of the sink, pressing a firm kiss to the top of Theo's head.'You did so well, bug, I'm so proud of you. Not much longer now, just gotta write your page, then you can rinse all the yuckiness away.'He took Theo's hand again, leading him back to the desk. Theo squirmed as his still-warm behind met the rough fabric of the chair before quickly realising that squirming was probably not a good idea in his circumstances. He looked down at the piece of paper Alan had set in front of him, reading the heading "How I Can Make Better Choices Next Time".'Take as long as you need, okay? When you're done, just let me know, and I'll let you up to rinse while I read what you've written. Can you give me a colour?''Um...' Theo took a deep breath, steeling himself. 'Yellow, please.'Alan immediately crouched next to the desk, putting them at eye level.'Thank you for telling me that, Theo, I'm very proud of you,' he reached out and gave one of Theo's hands a squeeze. 'Do you think you can tell me why you're at a yellow?''The pen.''The pen?' Alan didn't think he'd misheard, but he couldn't make sense of the short answer. 'I'm sorry, bug, can you explain?''Do I need to use an uncomfy pen cause I'm in trouble? Cause this pen hurts my hand but maybe that's on purpose?''No! No, Theo, this is just about reflecting on your choices and working out what you can do to make better choices next time. It's not supposed to hurt you.''I wasn't sure cause I am in trouble and maybe it was on purpose that I had to use the uncomfy pen, 'stead of the comfy one,' he explained with a casualness that made Alan feel sick.'Listen to me, please, bug,' he looked directly at Theo, his face serious. 'I'm proud of you for letting me know that the pen hurts your hand. That's very important for me to know, thank you.' He took a breath and closed his eyes for a moment, steadying himself as best he could. 'Do you have a pen that won't hurt?''Yeah!' Theo nodded with a smile, seemingly oblivious to the concern knotting Alan's stomach. 'I was 'barassed about it before, but you said I'm supposed to let you know about stuff like this, and I don't wanna get in another trouble before I'm even done being in this trouble''You did good, Theo, well done,' he did his best not to look as shaken as he felt, not wanting to upset the Little. 'Where's your comfy pen, sweetie?' He followed Theo's point to the bedside table, his eyes landing on the bright, thick-barrelled pen as soon as he opened the drawer. Doing his best to smile, he handed it to Theo.'Thank you! I am green now please' he said with a much more genuine smile than Al's own.'That's good, bug, that's good. Do you feel ready to start?' Theo nodded. 'Off you go, then, and take as long as you need. I'll just be sitting on the bed, so I'm here if you need me.'Al wasn't sure if the tongue sticking out from the corner of Theo's mouth was from concentration, or an attempt to get some relief from the taste of soap. Whichever it was, though, he figured it was cute enough to allow it.As he perched on the edge of Theo's bed, his thoughts and stomach churned. It felt a little ridiculous, given where they were, to be so taken aback at the suggestion that pain might be involved in discipline, but there was a line. True, Theo was sitting uncomfortably on a freshly-spanked butt with lingering soap bubbles in his mouth, but could he really have thought that Alan meant for his essay writing to be agony on his hand as well? He resolved to keep an eye out for any similar thoughts from Theo in the future, not wanting to overreact but unwilling to let the matter go. For now, though, he needed to set it aside. His Little was rounding out the first punishment of their partnership, and he wanted to be there for him, to give Theo his full attention.'I think finished?' Theo was looking over at him, still sat in place at the desk.'Good boy!' The warmth in his voice was genuine, even if his smile felt a little false. Theo all but glowed at the praise, reminding Al of a puppy proud of learning his first trick. 'You can go ahead into the bathroom and rinse all the soap away, I'll look over your work.'Theo stood up carefully, wincing a little as the blood ran back into his still-aching backside. His steps towards the bathroom were quick but careful, and he was soon scooping handfuls of cool water into his mouth. As the taste of the soap started to fade, he thought about Al and their partnership. Even just that morning, he'd been so worried that Al wouldn't want him, that he'd be told once again that he was too much work or too difficult. But now, here he was, with his ass sore and the taste of soap not completely gone from his mouth. And for the first time since he started panicking about potential APs, Theo felt secure.