Work Text
Nineteen year old Freddie is a dental student, living in Feltham, London with his parents, Brian May, a dentist and Oliver Samson, a dentist and dental professor. Freddie struggles with his mental health, he's diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and PTSD. Freddie has a service dog to help him. Freddie is also a principle dancer for the Royal Ballet.
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Voices in Italics
TW: Crying, Screaming, self harm, mentions of medical trauma,
eating disorder and feeding tube mentions, mentions of physical abuse, Death mention,
Attempted Overdose, Psychiatric Ward, Destructive behaviour
December 4th 2017, Monday
Freddie's p.o.v
Hey!I'm Freddie, i'm nineteen. I'm a dental student. I live with my parents, Brian May(57), a dentist and Oliver Samson(58), a dentist and dental professor in Feltham, London. I have borderline personality disorder and PTSD, i have a service dog, his name is Clifford and he's a labrador. He's trained to alert to my hallucination episodes and when i start subconsiously scratching my arms or my legs.My borderline personality disorder and PTSD stems from medical trauma, i was in foster care from 12 years old to 17 years old. I was in and out of hospital a lot for an eating disorder, the nurses were horrible to me, especially the male nurses, they held me down a lot and forced a feeding tube down my throat through my nose. I was also abused by the male nurses, physically. They left bruises on my arms and legs from hitting me and restraining me. I'm thankful that my parents decided to adopt me when i turned eighteen.I'm currently at university since i'm a dental student. Dad(Oliver) teaches my class in university, clifford is sitting next to me, his head on my thigh, i'm too busy listening to the voices in my head instead of paying attention to what dad's teaching.
Your parents don't love you
They adopted you out of pity
"Freddie, pay attention", i snapped out of my thoughts, i rolled my eyes in response. "I could care less about what you're teaching", i answered verbally. "Outside. Now.", Dad snapped at me, i stood up, took clifford with me, dad eventually walked out of the lecture hall. "What gives you the right to give me attitude while i'm teaching?", Dad asked. "It's boring listening to you go on and on about the same thing every time", i answered. "Freddie, i'm your father, dentist and professor. You are my son and dental student, i know you've been listening to your thoughts again", He says."then why fucking ask?", i snapped. "Attitude", he warned. "Sorry", i apologised. Clifford starting alerting to a hallucination episode, i focused on staring at a figure standing in the doorway of the lecture hall. Clifford kept alerting, my heart started pounding, the figure moved closer, the thoughts started again.
Your parents don't love you
You'll never be loved
You were adopted out of pity
Why don't you relapse?
Then everything went black, i woke up at home, on the sofa. "Shit", i groaned, sitting up. "Are you feeling okay?", Papa(Brian)walked over to me, "I'm fine", i lied. "Sweetheart", he sighed. "Do you remember what happened?", I nodded. "I started hallucinating at university then collapsed and woke up here", i answered. "Are you missing George?", I nodded. George is my godfather, he passed away in 2016, he was there for me when i needed him. He was also the singer for Wham."I spoke to Andrew this morning", papa says, "You did?", i asked. "yeah, he's coming round to see you because he's concerned about you, ever since George passed away, you stopped talking to him", Papa says. "i think you need to go to therapy", Dad says, walking over to us. "why?", i asked. "Freddie, you had a hallucination episode and stopped talking, you collapsed", Dad says. "i'm fine", i say. "don't make me call Donovan", dad warned. Donovan is dad's twin brother, "i don't care if you call him, he won't section me", i snapped. "Oh really? what happened the last time you said that?", papa asked.I didn't answer, "Donovan sectioned you, didn't he?", I nodded. "under what act?", Papa asked. "Section 136 of the mental health act 1983", i answered. "Are you going to go to therapy or do i have to call Donovan?", dad asked. "i'll go to therapy", i reluctantly agreed with dad to go to therapy. Dad hugged me, "Love you dad", i say. "I love you too bear", Dad says. Papa kissed my cheek, "I've got to go to back to work", I nodded. Dad stayed home with me."Dad? Can i go out tonight?", i asked. "Sure, be home by nine O'clock tomorrow morning", I nodded. I went upstairs to shower and put on clean clothes. I brushed my teeth and brushed my hair before leaving the house. I have clifford with me too, i walked to the police station. "Hey Kiddo, what can i do for you?", Harris asked, he works with Donovan. "is Dono here?", i asked. "He is, he's in his office", I nodded, "thanks", i walked to Donovan's office, i have my medication with me. "What's up Freddie?", Donovan asked when he saw me in the doorway of his office."I need someone to talk to", i say, "i'm listening", Donovan says. "I've had a lot of bad thoughts recently", i say. "Freddie, are you thinking of trying to hurt yourself?", I nodded. "I hate living with BPD and PTSD", i sighed. I got my tablets out, i have them in a tablet container. "Don't you dare", Donovan warned, standing up. I took all my tablets. "Spit them out", Donovan snapped at me. I shook my head. "I will stick my fingers down your throat if i have to", he warned. "Spit. Them. Out", He snapped again.I swallowed them, "No", i say after swallowing the tablets. "Come here", He says. "No", i say. Donovan started walking over to me, i started walking backwards towards the door. "where do you think you're going?", Harris asked, blocking the door. "you got two options, either i stick my fingers down your throat and force you to throw up the tablets or i give you activated charcoal to drink and you throw up the tablets", Donovan gave me my options."Neither", I answered. Donovan tried to grab me, i moved out of his reach. Then everything started going blurry. Clifford alerted me and Donovan. I soon collapsed.
Four hours later-Chelsea and Westminster Hospital Intensive Care Unit
I started coming round in hospital, a tube down my throat, a tube down my nose, my wrists strapped to the bed railing. I looked around the room, letting my eyes adjust to the light. "Freddie, can you hear me?", i looked to my left, Alan, the family doctor. I tried moving my hand. "i'll take off the restraints", he says, undoing the straps. He helped me sit up, i had the vent tube taken out of my throat, two nurses came in to do it. Alan held my hand, an oxygen cannula was put on my nose after the feeding tube was taken out."Why did you do it?", Alan asked, "I hate living with BPD and PTSD", i answered. Donovan walked into my hospital room, "Are you mad at me?", i asked. "No", he says, "i'm sorry Dono", i say. "don't apologise", Donovan hugged me. "When i can go home?", i asked Alan. "Tomorrow", Alan says. I nodded.
December 5th 2017, Tuesday
"Morning Freddie", Alan says, walking into my room. "Morning Alan", i yawned. "how are you feeling?", he asked. "better", i answered. "i'm discharging you and prescribing you a mood stabiliser to take every day to manage your hallucinations", I nodded. Donovan walked in. "I'm taking you home", I nodded, i got dressed into my clothes, a hoodie, a pair of clean boxers, a pair of jogging bottoms, a pair of socks, trainers, i brushed my teeth.Donovan walked me to the car park, he unlocked his car. I got in the passenger side. I'm also a principle dancer for the Royal Ballet. I got clifford into the back seat of the car, Donovan took me home, he parked in the drive, i got out of his car with Clifford, walked up to the house and let myself in. "where have you been?!", Dad and papa asked at the same time. "Cheslea and Westminster Hospital", I answered."What did you do?", Dad asked. "I overdosed in front of Donovan and Harris at the police station", i answered. "Freddie", papa sighed. "i've had enough papa, i hate living with BPD and PTSD", i say. "it's ruining my career in dancing and it's ruining my life at university!", i snapped. "don't snap at me", Papa warned, "i will do what i want", i snapped again. "Have you taken your medication?", dad spoke up. "Fuck off", i say."watch your language", Papa warned. I took off clifford's harness and leash. "Release", he ran into the garden. "We need to talk", Dad says, we sat at the dining table, "I've spoken to Dono, he thinks it's best that you're sectioned under section 136 of the Mental Health Act 1983", Dad says. "No, i'm not being fucking sectioned! I don't need to be sectioned!", i snapped. "Yes you do", Dad says. "I don't need to be sectioned!", i took a deep breath, tears threatening to leave my eyes.I walked over to the cabinet by the dining table and picked up a vase, i smashed it. "Freddie!", Dad yelled at me. "I hate to do this", Dad says, picking up his phone. "You're not gonna call Dono, are you?", i asked. "I am gonna call him", Dad says. "I hate you", i spat, i ran to my room, tears running down my cheeks. "Yeah, he's locked himself in his room, he's upset", I heard dad talking to Donovan."Let me talk to him", My bedroom door opened a few minutes later, "Freddie, do you wanna talk?", Donovan asked, "Yeah", i squeaked. "what's on your mind?", He asked, "I've had enough Donovan, my medication doesn't help anymore. I feel sick", i say. "how sick?", He asked, "My stomach hurts, since yesterday", i say. "You did take an overdose of two separate medications", Donovan says. "Your dad told me that you smashed a vase", He says. "I was upset, dad said that you're gonna section me", i say, tearing up.Donovan hugged me, "I did talk to him about that, i don't particulary want to section you but if the destructive behaviour continues, i'll have to put a safety plan in place that includes your best interests and a possible plan for when i have to section you, it'll include a list of hospitals", I nodded. "deep breath for me", I took a deep breath and managed to calm down. "If i take you to priory psychiatric hospital in Brighton, will you go?", Donovan asked. "I'll fight you", I admitted. "Freddie, i don't want to section you", he says."i don't want to go", i say. "I'm sorry Freddie. The time is 11:30AM, i am sectioning you under section 136 of the men-", i cut him off. "Fine! I'll go", i say. "Thank you", Donovan says, i put Clifford's vest on him along with his leash. "i'm scared Dono", i squeaked, holding back tears. "Come here, have a cuddle", Donovan gave me a cuddle. "it's always scary at first", He says. "Have you been through it too?", i asked. "Yeah, i have. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder", Donovan says."I take medication that helps me, i've been on medication since i was twenty years old", Donovan says. "S-so you're like me?", I asked. "in a way, yes", he says. "I also had destructive behaviour and hallucinations", He says, "This is why, i want you to get treatment, this is why i don't like sectioning you", I pulled away from the cuddle to pack a bag. "A-are you gonna stay?", i asked, trying not to let my nerves take over. "Yes, i'm staying, i spoke to the lead ward nurse at priory psychiatric hospital and she said that i can stay while you're a patient there", I nodded.
December 6th 2017, Wednesday
It was my first night in inpatient last night, i hated it. I couldn't sleep, i had nightmares. Donovan kept checking one during the night too. "Morning teddy", Donovan says.
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December 6th 2017, Wednesday
It was my first night in inpatient last night, i hated it. I couldn't sleep, i had nightmares. Donovan kept checking one during the night too. "Morning teddy", Donovan says.
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TW: Crying, Screaming, Hallucinations, Destructive Behaviour, mentions of attempted overdose, Self harm, Restraints, Strong Language, Physical Violence, Sedation, Mentions of abuse, Eating disorder
TW: Calorie and weight mentions, Feeding tube
"Morning Dono", i yawned, "How are you feeling?", he asked, "I'm tired, i kept having nightmares last night", i yawned. "I've spoken to a doctor here about your stomach pain, he said that it's due to the overdose and the medications you took", I nodded. "the nurses are going to keep an eye on you and your eating", I nodded. I got dressed, brushed my teeth."And you're going to talk to a therapist", He says. "As long as it's Brook", i say. "I won't talk to any other therapist but Brook", i say. "Brook is here", Donovan says. "You've gotta have breakfast before i start my shift", Donovan says, "What? You said you were staying", i say, "I am staying but i've got to work too", He says, "i got transferred to Brighton", I nodded. Donovan took me to the dining hall.Clifford is with me, he nudged my leg. "i'm okay Clifford", i gave him a treat. "Teddy, are you anxious?", I nodded. Donovan sat with me while i ate my breakfast.
You're here because you're fucked up in the head
Donovan doesn't love you
I tried to block out the thoughts, Clifford alerted to my thoughts. "Freddie, don't listen to the thoughts", Donovan says, "I'm trying not to", i say, i took a deep breath and let it out. Then the hallucination started, Clifford alerted Donovan to the fact that i am now hallucinating. I started trying to hurt myself, Donovan had to restrain me, "Let me go!", i screamed. "I can't let you go", Donovan says. "Let me go! You fucking bastard!", i tried to get out of his grip.Donovan carried me back to my room, held me down on my bed and restrained me. "I'm not undoing the restraints until you calm down", he says. "Fuck you! You don't love me!", i spat. "I do love you, you're my nephew", He says. "Then let me go", i spat. "No because you'll try to hurt yourself", he says. "Calm down and take a deep breath", I took a deep breath and let it out."Talk to me properly", he says. "Please let me go", i say. Donovan untied the restraints, "i'm sorry Dono", i apologise. "don't apologise", he says, "I called you a bastard", i say. "And? Your dad calls me a bastard", Donovan laughed softly. "i promise, i'm going to make sure that you get the right medication that you need to help you get better", he says. "I wanna go home", i spoke up after a few minutes. "I know", he says. Donovan walked me to Brook's office, "it's iopen", i walked into Brook's office, "i heard about your outburst", Brook says.Donovan left for work, "Why did Donovan section you?", he asked, "I wasn't sectioned, i agreed to be voluntary admitted", i answered. "Are you taking the medication that i prescribed?", I shook my head. "why?", he asked. "It doesn't help, it makes the thoughts worse", i say. "i'd like to try a new type of therapy", He says. "what do you mean?", i asked. "Sensory therapy", he says. "Sensory therapy?", i asked, Brook explained it. "You're not fucking tickling me!", i snapped. "It might be the only other way to distract you from the thoughts and hallucinations", he says."it's your choice if you want to try it", he offered. I thought about it, "I'll try it", i say. "Are you sure?", I nodded. I laid on the hospital bed in his office, the rails down. "i'll be gentle", he smiled softly, Brook lifted my shirt, "where did these bruises come from?", he asked. "From when i lashed out, Donovan grabbed me around the waist", i answered. "he didn't mean to hurt me", i say. "He forgets his own strength", i say."does it hurt?", i shook my head, Brook picked up a feather. "i'm going to ask you a few questions, i need you to be honest with me", I nodded. Brook started trailing the feather up and down my sides, "How long have you gone without medication?", he asked, "Three weeks", I answered, holding back my giggles. "have you been thinking about getting into a relationship with an older man?", He asked, "Yes", i answered honestly."why?", he asked. "I don't know", i answered, "yes you do", Brook says, switching to brushing the feather softly on my stomach. "I don't know!", i argued. "Freddie", he warned, putting down the feather. "Tell me the truth", he says. "why?", he asked again. "I need to be loved, Brook. My parents are constantly working, Donovan is always working! I need to be loved", tears left my eyes. Brook hugged me, "it's okay", i started sobbing."i'd like to introduce you to someone later", I nodded. "take a deep breath for me and let it out", i did as i was told. Brook picked up his phone, "I've just called one of the nurses, don't worry, he's really nice", He says. "You called?", i looked up. "Hi Josh, this is Freddie, he's here for treatment because of his BPD and PTSD, i need you to look after him", Brook says to Josh. "Gladly", Josh says. I stood up. "I'm Joshua, you can call me Josh", Joshua says, "I'm Freddie", i say.
Everyone hates you
Your parents hate you
Donovan hates you
He left you here because he hates you!
Then the hallucinations started, Clifford started barking, he only does that when i stop responding and my hands start shaking. My eyes followed the figure as it moved, the thoughts started again. My breathing started to become unstable.
Everyone hates you
Why not try and overdose again
Brook doesn't want to help you
Joshua hates you.
"Fuck off!", i screamed, tears running down my cheeks. The thoughts wouldn't stop, i tried to hurt myself, the figure kept moving closer and closer, i let out an ear piercing scream. Then i felt arms wrap around my waist, i tried kicking, punching, biting. The thoughts kept attacking me. "Fuck off!", i screamed again. "stop fighting me", I looked up at who had their arms around me. "Surprised to see me?", Donovan asked. I nodded while in the middle of an episode."Calm down and stop fighting me", He warned. I kept kicking off, i bit Donovan's hand. He let me go. "Joshua, take Freddie to his room and sedate him", Brook says. i managed to run from Joshua, i tripped and fell to the floor. Clifford ran to me, i buried my face into his fur. Clifford did DPT which is Deep Pressure Therapy. I took two deep breaths and let them out.Joshua walked over to me, "Get away from me", i snapped. "No", he says, Donovan walked over to me. "I'm sorry", i say. "don't apologise", he says. I went back to my room, Joshua walked in with Donovan. "i'm sorry for biting you", i say to Donovan. "Can i have a cuddle?", i asked. "of course you can", Donovan held me on his lap, rubbing my back softly. "Are Dad and papa gonna come see me today?", i asked. "they're coming to see you tomorrow", I nodded.
December 7th 2017, Thursday
I'm in Brook's office. "How are you feeling today?", he asked. "Better", i answered. "No episodes?", he asked. "No", i answered. "Today, i am going to test your senses, i need you to rank them from one to five", I nodded. It got to the point where Brook had to stop because i'm really ticklish. "Now i know that i can use it against you", he smirked. "i hate you", i say. "No you don't", he says. Joshua stood in the doorway of Brook's office. "Morning", Joshua says. "Morning Josh", he took me to the day room."i'd like to get to know you a bit better", He says. "i'm 18, i dance for the Royal Ballet, i'm a dental student. My parents are dentists, my dad is a dental professor", i say. "how long have you been dancing?", he asked, "Since i was five, i was a foster child until i was eighteen", i say. "I tend to fall in love with older men", i say quietly. "Why?", Joshua asked. "i've never been loved properly, i was taught to only trust older men and never boys my age, in all my previous foster homes, i was abused by the men, that's where it started. Then my parents, Brian and Ollie took me in when i was seventeen, adopted me when i turned eighteen", i say."is that why you trust Brook?", I nodded. "i know Brook's Fifty two but i trust him and i always will. I first met him when i was fifteen, he made me feel safe and loved", i say. "Brook showed me what love felt like, he's like a third father to me", i wrapped my arms around my legs. Clifford pushed my legs down and laid on my lap. "I lived with Brook for two years, he bought me presents for my sixteenth birthday and my seventeenth birthday, he still buys me presents", i say.Lunch time rolled around, i didn't want to eat. I sat and picked at my food, "You need to eat", Joshua says. "Shut up", i muttered under my breath.
You don't need to eat
you don't need the calories
Lose the weight
The thoughts started, "i'm not eating", i say, "Yes you are", Joshua says. "i'm not", i snapped. "Freddie, you need to eat, otherwise you will be tubed against your will", I roll my eyes, i stood up, binned my food and walked to Brook's office. "it's open", I opened the door. "what's up?", Brook asked. "I need to talk", i say. "I'm listening", i sat on the sofa, Clifford laid on the floor, on his blanket. "I think i'm relapsing back into my eating disorder", i say."why do you think that?", Brook asked. "i refused to eat", i answered, "do you need a hug or a cuddle?", He asked, "Cuddle", i answered. "Come here sweetie", Brook gave me a cuddle. "Love you Brook", i say. "love you too", he says, kissing my forehead. "Feeling better?", I nodded. "You need to eat", he says. "i know, i'm scared to eat", i say. "why?", he asked. "i don't want to lose control", i answered."What if you ate your breakfast, lunch and dinner in here with me?", he offered. "Okay", i say. "i really don't want you to be tubed", Brook says. "Have you had any thoughts today?", I nodded. "Mostly about calories and weight", i answered. "Any Hallucinations?", I shook my head. "Brook, i have a question", i say. "go on", he says. "Do i get any rewards or permission to do stuff?", i asked. "yes you do, i'm considering letting you pick something that you want to do outside of hospital", He says."Really?", i asked. "yeah, because i know that being here all day, every day for months isn't going to help you", He says. "Could i get my haircut?", i asked. "I'd have to talk to Joshua and Donovan about that", I nodded. "Could i get a piercing of my choice?", I asked. "No", he says. "why?", I asked. "there's a risk of it being ripped out due to the fights that happen on this ward", Brook says.I went to the day room, "Hey Teddy", I looked up. "Hey Dono", i smiled, "Brook mentioned that you want to get your haircut?", I nodded. "he gave me the greenlight to take you to get your haircut", Donovan says. He took me to get my haircut.