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Please Dont Pretend

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New Jersey was tired. There was no other way to put it; every time he tried to rest, he couldn’t shut his mind off enough to sleep. The exhaustion had long since set in, and he knew the others were well aware of what was going on.Groaning in frustration when he once again couldn’t sleep, he slipped out of his room in the statehouse to grab some coffee. Maybe that would help things, or at least let him be aware enough of what was going on so he could get through another meeting.“New Jersey? Is everything alright?” Virginia asked, enough care in his voice to get New Jersey to stop.He shrugged. “I’m fine. Nothing you need to worry about,” he said, not quite looking at him. Virginia narrowed his eyes, only making him feel that much worse. Didn’t he have enough to worry about? He didn’t want to add his own problems to them, too. “I can handle it, Virginia. I don’t want to worry you.”Virginia sighed. A pang of guilt hit his stomach, and he couldn’t look at him. They weren’t close, and didn’t even talk as much as they did before, but he still didn’t want to disappoint Virginia.“Saying that only makes me worry. Especially if you don’t tell me what’s going on,” he pointed out. New Jersey rubbed his arm, not sure how to answer that. Virginia continued, his voice gentle. “Jersey, I want to make sure that you’ll be okay.”New Jersey’s gaze met Virginia’s then, anger clear in his eyes. To say that he wasn’t okay, when they hadn’t talked? He didn’t want to accept that.“We haven’t talked, Virginia, not in a long time. You don’t know me, not like that.” He stepped closer to Virginia. How he wished he could outright hit him for saying that; it would’ve worked that way if it was one of the Northeast saying that. “I’m fine. You don’t get to tell me when I’m not okay. I don’t have to listen to whatever mess you’re trying to lead us into again.”It was too far. New Jersey knew it as soon as he said it, but he didn’t want to back down. He didn’t want to look- to feel- weak, not when he was facing Virginia. He always seemed determined, and he didn’t want to give Virginia any fuel to aim at him. So he stood, seething, as he stared up at Virginia.“I don’t know you now, no,” Virginia said, his voice measured. New Jersey thought he was trying to appear calmer than what he felt, but that couldn’t be right. Virginia wasn’t bothered by much. “But I remember your habits from before. I know when you’re trying to avoid a question.”“Shut up,” New Jersey snapped. Why couldn’t he just leave it alone? He hated how insistent he was on making sure he was okay, that there really wasn’t something wrong.“I’m right. Aren’t I?” Virginia asked.New Jersey was quiet for a moment. Admitting that something was up was not something he wanted to do, but he also knew that Virginia could call him on that.“Don’t be angry,” he said, his voice quiet. He crossed his arms over his chest., shoulders hunching slightly as if to protect himself. “I can’t sleep. I don’t want to bother the others and-”“And have them think less of you,” Virginia finished when New Jersey trailed off.He looked at him, confusion in his eyes. Did Virginia actually think that? That they thought less of him for these things? But he was right, he had to admit.The others teased. They had for years, really, and maybe he didn’t mind it quite as much when it was just the thirteen of them, but when the other states joined in, it started bothering him. It still felt like everything about him got teased, and he didn’t know how to escape it.At least with the other Northeast, he knew he could fight back. It didn’t work that way with the others.“I’m not some broken puzzle,” New Jersey mumbled. He didn’t want the others to try to fix him, didn’t want them to mess around with something that he was aware ultimately didn’t really matter. Didn’t want them to mess with his emotions, making him think they cared when they didn’t. “Just leave it be.”Virginia and New Jersey looked at each other for a few long moments. No matter how much he wanted, he knew he couldn’t ask for Virginia to continue checking on him. He couldn’t ask for the others to care, not with everything that had happened over the years.“Jersey-” Virginia started, and New Jersey hated the tone of sympathy in his voice.“No. Don’t,” he said firmly. He pushed back the part of him that was begging to let Virginia care, standing straight and keeping the emotions from his face. “Don’t pretend you care. I can’t do that again.”It was Virginia’s turn to look confused then. “What? I never pretended-” he started, stopping at New Jersey’s voice.“You don’t have to. I hear the way the rest of you talk about me,” he said, his tone flat. “I have papers to finish. Much like you know.”New Jersey stormed to the kitchen for his coffee, and for part of it, Virginia went with him, but he ignored every attempt of Virginia’s to get him to talk. Every time before something similar succeeded, he had gotten ridiculed.Why would he let that happen again if he could help it?

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