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Kaz Brekker was not sure when he had begun to fall for Inej Ghafa, which was annoying, considering that he was usually sure of most things. He knew that his feelings had snuck up on him, just like she had managed to do once, at their first meeting, with bells on her feet and dressed in colorful silk. He had barely batted an eye at her revealing attire, her black-lined eyes, her flowing hair. He had only noticed her stealth, her skill.
But he had always noticed girls. Liked them, even. When he was just a child and Saskia had given him her red ribbon, his little cheeks had flushed about the same color. Jordie had teased him about the whole way back to their rented room, and Kaz had barely slept that night, his heart racing, ribbon clutched in his fist. A pretty girl liking a little scrap of a farm boy like him was beyond comprehension in his mind. Now, Kaz had no idea if that little girl had understood that there was a scheme afoot in that house. If she had been coached to win his affection by Rollins. Even if she hadn’t, Kaz’s memory of the little girl was tainted with disgust and hatred. When he had sought his revenge on those involved in Pekka’s plan, he had not spared her. She had still been beautiful, but it no longer mattered to him. Her blood was as red as the ribbon had been.
Then, there had been Imogen, whose gap-toothed smile had made Kaz’s bitter heart skip a beat for the first time since he had been reborn in that harbor. Her freckles reminded him of the constellations he would see in the sky when he lived on the farm back in Lij, where the stink clouds of pollution didn’t mask the shining of stars. Her trousers sat so low on her hips, and when she would tussle with the other teenagers, her midriff would be exposed, pale skin practically shimmering in the low light of the bar. Skin was the problem, though. He could have never reached out and touched it, grabbed those hips and pulled her close. His dinner would have ended up on her shirt, and she’d have likely beaten him bloody for the trouble.
There were others, too. Random women on the street. Nina was beautiful, but Kaz had never felt that draw to her. Perhaps it was because since he’d known her, her affections had lied with the Fjerdan prisoner, or perhaps it was because he’d quickly realized he found her rather annoying. No matter how revealing her outfit, how flirtatious her words, Kaz didn’t feel his heart skip a beat or his cheeks flush around her. And by the time Kaz had understood that boys were able to like other boys, he’d already closed himself off to the prospect of love. He’d never sat around to ponder if he felt that way. He knew Jesper had affection for him, but Kaz had never entertained the thought. Despite his charm, his swagger, Jesper was a brother to him. He figured that Matthias and Wylan were both good-looking; Matthias was more ruggedly handsome, while Wylan was…Well,
cute
was the word that came to mind, but they were both spoken for.
Lately, he hadn’t been noticing anyone else. The fleeting thoughts about a random attractive person on the street had disappeared completely. He had Inej. Well, he didn’t
have
her. He could never truly have her, own or possess her. Even when the contract for her indenture sat in his hands, he knew she would never allow herself to be property again. He didn’t want her to be his property. He wanted her to stay because
she
wanted to. Because she wanted
him
. And that thought, that weakness…It had almost gotten them all killed.
And yet, they were alive, all six of them. Matthias and Nina had sailed for Ravka alongside Colm and Kuwei, and Jesper and Wylan were enjoying the lavish life that Van Eck’s money could buy them. Marya Hendricks was reunited with her son, and the last Kaz had visited their estate, Wylan had taken in several street cats, much to Jesper’s displeasure.
“I prefer dogs,” he’d simply said, but allowed a one-eyed, fluffy thing to climb into his lap anyway. He added in a whisper, “Their fur is on all of my clothes. Please help.”
Kaz had allowed himself to laugh instead of biting it back.
And Inej was living her dream. She had found her family, and had gotten her ship. She had her crew, and she was feared by slavers across the world. She had gotten her wish, and Kaz was trying to be happy for her.
But as he sat in his room, mulling over paperwork, he longed for her presence in his window. The sound of her sharpening her knives, of her laugh that dizzied him like a few glasses of whiskey. She had asked him to shed his armor for her. And he had
tried
. He had carried her, her blood soaking his clothes. Their skin had not touched, but the sight of her so pale and motionless had almost been enough to make him puke. He had bandaged her wounds in that bathroom, and that
had
made him puke. His lips at the junction of her neck. Her palm against his cheek. Her hand in his, at the shipyard. He had gotten better at it. And then she had left, and now he craved the feel of her again. He wanted to try. To shed his armor, to pull himself into a man who could deserve her.
It wasn’t that Inej was the first woman he’d ever been attracted to, or liked. She was just the first woman that he felt was worth trying for. He was ready to try and pull himself together to be the kind of man she could want. But he was ready too late. Or so he thought.
The letter had come across his desk one afternoon, and he had recognized the handwriting on the envelope immediately. Leather gloves clumsily ripped it open in a haste, and he sunk into his chair to read it.
Dear Kaz,
My ship is set to dock in Ketterdam this week. I’ve arranged to stay with Wylan and Jesper at their estate. Did you ever imagine, our Jes, living so lavishly? I can’t wait to see it. If you want to see me, you can find me there. I have spent these months chasing enough men.
— Inej
If he wanted to see her…It was all he had wanted since the day she left. He had half-considered buying a ship of his own just to do it. But he hadn’t, because he was too afraid that if he had gone to her, she would no longer care. She had left Ketterdam behind. She had left him behind. She had given him far too many chances, and he had always fallen short.
And yet, the letter. She was coming back.
Dear
Kaz.
Our
Jes. He thought, foolishly, that he liked the way she wrote his name. The curving lines of those three letters, like she had written them with care. Kaz was not a religious man, but he found himself wondering if Ghezen, the Saints, or perhaps even Djel could help him find his wits and stop thinking like a crushing schoolgirl.
He had Rotty keep an eye on Wylan and Jesper’s home, ready to alert him of Inej’s arrival. He felt ridiculous, sick with anticipation. She said that she had chased enough men. He knew what she meant: He needed to go to her. He needed to prove himself. To prove that he still wanted her, like had proclaimed back when he had all but begged her to remain in Ketterdam.
I want you,
he had said. But she was right: Was he supposed to caress her skin with stiff, cool leather? Kiss her with cloth over his lips? He only understood what had happened to her at the Menagerie in vague, fleeting ways. Some of it she had told him, other parts of it he had inferred. She still seemed to have desire in her, after it all. In the bathroom, she had been flushed, her pulse racing, and it hadn’t seemed like fear. At least at first, before he’d pulled away.
Although the idea of sex made him feel ill, Kaz knew that deep down, there was a human instinct within him. It was why he had blushed when Saskia gave him her ribbon, why Imogen’s freckles captivated him. Deep down, even the Bastard of the Barrel, Dirtyhands, Kaz Brekker had an inherent craving for affection. For love, intimacy. Even sex.
Inej had awakened something within him with her knife-sharp smile, her muscular legs, her silky hair. He had flashing images, concepts of fantasies in his mind. His bare hand on her waist, pulling her in. Her lips on his cheek. His face, buried in her neck. Her sitting in his lap. His mouth, kissing between her breasts, trailing lower…And then reality would hit him like a ton of bricks, the idea of skin on skin, and suddenly Inej’s body was no longer a desirable, breathing thing. It was a waterlogged corpse in the harbor, and he was nauseous and angry with himself for daring to dream.
He never touched himself. Even the feeling of his own hand on his skin could make him ill sometimes, and touching himself…
down there
was a sensation that only sparked panic and disgust. He had repressed all those urges long ago, after he had failed so miserably to fix himself for Imogen. The only times he experienced a release was after particularly unrealistic dreams, waking up irritated and embarrassed, with sticky sheets. It didn’t happen often, but Kaz knew it couldn’t really be helped.
His body wanted what his mind could not bear.
***
Three days after her letter arrived, Rotty returned to the Slat and told Kaz that she was there. He had given him nothing but a curt nod and gestured for him to take his leave. It took him an hour to even stand up from his desk, feeling rooted in place with uncertainty. He changed his suit three times. He considered buying her flowers, but it felt stupid and juvenile and ridiculous.
He did it anyway. She had once told him that geraniums were her mother’s favorite flower. He didn’t know if she shared the affection for them, but he was at a loss for what else to get. He walked with his head down, hat covering his face. The last thing he needed was for
Dirtyhands
to be seen walking the streets with a bouquet like he was courting some blushing maiden.
When he arrived, he suddenly felt years younger. He wondered if he was just going to give her false hope. If he was going to break her heart when she realized that he could never give himself over to her completely. They could not kiss. They could not make love. Would she settle? He didn’t think so. And he didn’t blame her for it, either.
Jesper was the first to greet him, and Kaz could hear Wylan and Inej’s voices in the other room.
“You didn’t need to send a spy, you know,” Jesper said. “We would have told you she was here.”
Kaz ignored him. “Hug me,” he found himself saying.
Jesper stared at him. “I’m sorry?”
“I want…” he hesitated, “I wanted to hug her. But if I can’t…You try first.”
Jesper looked torn between several emotions: Confusion that Kaz would ask this of him, trust him with it. Sadness, that Kaz felt he could not face Inej without proving something to her. And a touch of amusement, because Kaz had a
crush
, and it would have been so fun to tease him about, but right now, it would only send him running. Jesper would have to keep a mental inventory of jokes to tell once the two of them pulled their heads out of their asses and got together.
“Are you sure?”
“Just fucking do it, Jes,” he said.
Before I change my mind.
Jesper had never hugged Kaz, not in all the years they had been friends. They’d shaken hands, had punched and kicked one another, but there was no friendly affection in their dynamic. He had just always known: You don’t touch Kaz. An unspoken rule.
He opened his arms, and tentatively put them around Kaz’s middle, barely making contact. Everything about it felt wrong, but he was just following orders. Kaz was hardly breathing. Slowly, Kaz untensed, and forced his stiff arms to return the hug, giving Jesper the faintest of squeezes. He was breathing again, and it was mostly steady.
“Alright then,” Kaz said, pulling away. The tips of his ears were red. He went to walk down the hallway, and then stopped. “Thanks,” he said, barely audible.
It was enough. Jesper smiled. “You’re welcome, loverboy.”
He watched as Kaz’s ears burned brighter, and chuckled to himself before following him down the hallway. Inej sat at their dining table, clothed in blue and hair pulled into a tight braid. She had a mug of tea in her hand and she was smiling as she talked to Wylan. When she saw Kaz, her words faltered.
“Hello Inej,” he rasped.
“Hello,” she replied, setting down her mug of tea. Her lips quirked up into a half-smile.
He wanted to hug her. He wanted to rush over to that end of the room, bad leg be damned, and scoop her up in his arms and spin her around. Except that was stupid, and would surely end with one or both of them retching onto the polished hardwood floors.
So he just stood there. He held out the flowers. “These are for you.”
Inej stood and walked towards him, her footsteps silent and precise as ever. She took the bouquet, her fingers brushing his gloves. She eyed them for a moment, before looking up at his face.
“Thank you,” she said simply.
Then there was silence in the room, and Jesper broke it by clearing his throat. “Inej, you must be hungry! What would you like?”
Her gaze stayed trained on Kaz’s face as she answered, “Anything but fish.”
Wylan offered Kaz a welcoming smile. “Want a drink?”
Kaz did not return the smile, but he did request whiskey. His nerves were going wild, and a little liquor would surely help.
They sat and talked around the table, and it almost felt like old times. Well, there was no one looking to murder them at the moment, and they were missing two members of their group, but still. It felt natural to reunite.
Inej told them of her travels, of the people she’d saved and the slavers she’d slaughtered. She told them of one little girl, a Suli girl named Lidia, who was only ten-years-old when Inej rescued her from a ship off the coast of the Wandering Isle. “She reminded me so much of myself,” she said. “I knew then that the Saints would forgive me.”
Kaz knew that Inej didn’t need his approval, his praise, or his pride. Yet, he did feel proud to hear her tell tales of her success. She was brave, strong, and powerful. And she used her power for the good of others. She was much too decent for him.
He barely spoke the whole evening. He gave the occasional nod or chuckle where appropriate, but he couldn’t find the right words to say. But he had missed her voice, her laugh, watching her move with poise. Even something as simple as bringing a fork to her mouth, she was graceful. She commanded attention. No wonder she seemed to make such a great captain.
“What’s new with you, Kaz?” she asked.
He blinked.
Missing you,
he thought. No, he could not, would not say that.
“Working,” he replied dumbly. “Dregs business as usual. Nothing special.”
Jesper and Wylan exchanged amused glances. Kaz wanted to hit them both with his cane. But then Inej giggled, and the annoyance melted out of him.
He was doomed.
***
After dinner, Inej went up to the bedroom Jesper and Wylan were letting her stay in. As she climbed the stairs, she turned to Kaz and smiled, giving him a little nod of her head.
Follow me,
it said.
While he was not normally the kind of man to blindly obey orders, he knew deep down that he would sit and roll over if Inej asked him to. He was weak when it came to her, and it disgusted part of him. The other part of him, the one slightly less corrupted by darkness, found it sweet.
He knocked at her door, and she opened it. She had changed into her nightclothes, and her hair was loose. She looked beautiful. Her time at sea had darkened her brown skin. There was a small, pale scar on her jaw, just by her right ear. He hoped that whoever had cut her, she had cut them back, twice as bad. He knew it was likely true.
“Hello,” she said.
“Hi,” he replied. He stepped into the room, a finely decorated space that felt far out of Jesper and Wylan’s tastes. He wondered idly if they would consider redoing the home with all of their money.
“Sit.” Inej gestured to the wooden desk chair.
He did without question. She moved past him, quick as ever, and sat atop the desk. They were close. Too close. No, not close enough.
“Your hair looks much better like this,” she said.
He ran a hand through it. It had gotten longer since she’d left, and he hadn’t bothered to clean it up. He had been too busy with the Dregs, too wrapped up in stupid emotion to care about something so trivial. Besides, he wore a hat most of the time.
“Thank you,” he replied, because he didn’t know what else to say.
“Did you think of me?” she asked. “While I was away.”
His gut instinct was to deny it. To scoff. He didn’t, though. Instead, he said, “Of course.”
Inej brought her lips to the shell of his ear, her warm breath reminding him that she was alive.
Alive, alive, alive.
She smelled like the oils she used in her hair, like saltwater. Her face was so close. If he were to turn his head, their noses would brush. He could kiss her. He waited for the water to rise, and found that there was nothing. But still, he didn’t. Because while the waters were at bay for him, he did not know if Inej would vanish. If he were to press his lips to hers, unannounced.
“I thought of you too,” she said, a whisper. Her lips brushed his skin, featherlight. It gave him goosebumps. “I thought of what I said to you the night you asked me to stay. That I would not have you with your armor…” She leaned back, and to his surprise, Kaz actually missed the closeness of her. “I still mean what I said. But I wanted to tell you that…It’s still hard for me, too. I understand it isn’t something you can switch off. We all have good days and bad days. But Kaz, you know why I am…the way that I am about touch. And I have no idea why you struggle. If you could tell me, maybe we could…Meet in the middle.”
There it was. The water. Creeping into his mind, threatening to steal the air from his lungs. He wanted to tell her she could never understand. He wanted to deflect, lie, run away, all of the things his time in the Barrel had taught him to do.
“My brother died,” he said. But she knew that part already. How could he explain the rest? “We got sick. Queen's Lady Plague. We were living on the street, and it spread so fast. We had nowhere to go, no money for medicine. I was too young to know what to do for him.”
Inej didn’t speak. She kept her face still. She just let him talk.
“The bodymen rounded up all of the sick. The dead. But I…I was still alive. I was asleep on Jordie’s chest and they put us on a boat out in the Reaper’s Barge. I woke up and tried to call for help, but I was too weak. I was surrounded by bodies. They were…” Kaz had to fight back a wave of nausea before continuing. “Rotting. My brother, he was…I was too weak to swim by myself. But I knew they were going to burn us. So I used his body to help me float.”
Inej’s face hadn’t changed. She knew that any expression of disgust, shock, or Saints forbid,
pity
would send Kaz’s walls shooting back up. So she didn’t move.
“I had to touch it. Hold onto it. His body. You don’t realize how quickly a body starts to decompose until you’re touching it. Now, whenever I touch people…Their skin, I feel that bloated, rotting flesh,” Kaz said. His voice was surprisingly steady. He had never told anyone that story. He told it as plainly as he could: The truth, trying not to cloud it with emotion. Human flesh felt rotten to him, a trick of his mind. Someone normally so cunning, intelligent, reduced to a panicking mess over an illusion. One bad memory. He felt foolish.
She finally spoke. “Tell me something good about him.”
“What?”
“About your brother. About Jordie.”
Kaz’s throat felt tight. He never talked about Jordie. How much he resembled Da, while Kaz took more after their mother. How he whistled all the time, and how it never bothered Kaz, even when he was slightly out of tune. How Jordie would come into his bed to comfort him after a bad dream, or put him on his shoulders so he could pick fruit off of trees. The ruffling of hair, pinching of cheeks, and the teasing. Brotherly, playful, childish things.
“He was an optimist,” Kaz said. “He truly believed that everyone had good in them, and that everything would work out. He couldn’t see through a lie, let alone tell a convincing one himself. He was good, to his core.” Then, he bitterly added, “And look where that got him.”
Suddenly, he didn’t feel like talking anymore. “It’s late. I should go back to the Slat.”
Inej frowned, but she didn’t fight him on it. She understood that to talk of such things would drain anyone, and Kaz avoided emotion more than anyone else she knew.
As he stood, he turned back to her. “May I come see you again tomorrow?”
She smiled. “Of course.”
***
People in the Barrel were shameless. Even those who hid their faces behind costumes of the Komedie Brute still showed other parts of themselves. Whether in the brothels, the alleys, or even various establishments, people in Ketterdam were always fucking.
Kaz had been fifteen the first time he saw a man bend a woman over a table in a bar. He had simply lifted her skirt and started fucking her while he drank his rum and played his cards. She was consenting, quite enthusiastic actually. She made these obscene noises, scrunched up facial expressions. Kaz could hear their skin slapping together. He had tried to ignore it, but it had rattled him; there was disgust, but also a hint of jealousy.
In the throes of puberty, repressing all of his sexual urges, seeing other people have what he couldn’t, it made him angry. It was the same way he felt when he saw rich merchants gorge themselves with food: He and Jordie had starved. They shivered in the cold on the street. Kaz walked barefoot through the dirty streets, his soles cut by broken glass. What made these men better, more deserving than him? Why could they bury their cocks inside of women and men whose names they barely knew, when Kaz could barely hold someone’s hand?
People were always fucking. It happened in the Crow Club, too. Kaz eventually learned to ignore it. But now, it bothered him for a whole different reason. But lately, he saw them and thought of being in those positions with Inej. Neither of them would ever have sex in public, for a litany of reasons. He didn’t quite like the idea of bending her over, and he was sure she would hate that. He understood the concept of sex, had seen it in paintings and read about it in books, but he had never experienced it.
Would that feel good?
he found himself thinking. He watched as a woman sat in a man’s lap at a booth, their hips rolling. He was clearly inside of her beneath her skirts.
How would it feel to have Inej on him like that? Her lips on his neck, her hands tugging at his hair?
As he sipped his drink, he couldn’t help but wonder, feeling himself grow warm in his coat.
“Alright, boss?” Jesper asked.
Kaz choked on his drink.
“Saints, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jesper said, furrowing his brow.
Kaz coughed, and his voice was raspier than usual when he said, “You didn’t. I was…Watching that man in the green suit. I thought he was cheating at cards.”
Jesper glanced up at the man in question. “Doesn’t look like it to me.”
“What do you want?” he snapped.
Jesper was used to that by now. “I was wondering if you’d be coming around again tonight. Inej mentioned…” he trailed off, grinning.
Kaz scowled. “Stop looking at me like that.”
“But you
like her
.”
“I will stab you.”
“Kaz, I’m happy for you. You and Inej are my best friends. I want to see you happy!” he said. “Would it kill you to smile?”
“Yes,” Kaz deadpanned. “And I’m going to kill
you
if you don’t shut up.”
Jesper pouted. “C’mon boss. I…” he stopped for a moment, dropping the faux-pout and the playful facade. “I know it’s not easy for you. Or her. But you…deserve to be happy, Kaz. That’s all. I’m proud of you.”
Kaz wanted to sneer at him. To say something cruel and send him running. To punch him in his stupid, handsome face. Or do something stupid, like hug him again. “Okay,” he said instead. “I’ll see you tonight.”
Jesper smiled. He didn't drink, didn’t get sucked into a game of cards. He just walked right out of the club. And Kaz supposed that he was proud of Jesper, too.
***
His walk back to the Van Eck estate felt twice as long as it had the day before. His leg had been bothering him less lately, as he was out doing insane heists much less often, but putting it back into use was beginning to make it act up. It was worth it to see her, though.
When one of Wylan’s staff answered the door, he was surprised to learn that Wylan and Jesper had stepped out for the evening.
“Mister Wylan had a meeting to attend to,” the maid had explained. “But they said you were more than welcome to spend time with Miss Inej in their absence.”
Kaz’s ears turned pink. He cleared his throat. “Thank you,” he said before limping his way up the stairs to her room. He knocked, and Inej opened it almost immediately.
She opened the door and smiled softly at him.
He paused in the doorway. “Yesterday, I was…I wanted to give you a hug when I saw you. But I didn’t. Could I…May I try now?”
Inej looked a little surprised. “Yes.”
He took a step forward and opened his arms, silently asking her to take the next step, to close the gap between them. And she did, pressing herself against his chest, her arms wrapping around his ribs. He put his hands on her back, gentle and unsure.
It still felt weird. Unnatural. But she was warm and solid, and while he’d always been aware of their size difference, Inej felt so small when she was in his arms like that.
Then, to his surprise, she squirmed away rather quickly. Her eyes were wide.
Oh. “Inej?”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I—You’re just so tall.”
Kaz furrowed a brow. He wasn’t sure what to say in response: Apologize for his height? No, there was something more to what Inej was trying to say. So he didn’t interrupt.
She put a hand on her heart, trying to calm herself. “I always knew you were tall, obviously, it’s just…When we’re so close, I didn’t realize how…” She took a deep breath. “You did nothing wrong, and I know that you would never hurt me, Kaz. I just felt a little…trapped.”
Kaz took a step back, giving her space. He knew that she was right: It wasn’t his fault. Still, he felt guilty for having been the one to initiate it. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I…I liked it, at first. My mind got ahead of me,” she said. “Can we sit down?”
Kaz nodded, limping over to the same chair he had sat in the night before. She took her place on the desk above him.
He watched the wheels turning in her head. She would open her mouth, then close it again, like she couldn’t find the words. He waited, still and silent, for her to speak again.
“At the Menagerie, Heleene catered to exotic taste. By that, she just didn’t just mean foreign girls. We catered to odd desires, too,” Inej said. “If a man came in asking for something, we were supposed to do it, no questions asked. Most men just wanted…the usual. Sex. They wanted to violate us. Penetrate us.”
Kaz swallowed. She had given him the grace of staying calm when he told his story. He was going to try and extend that same courtesy.
“Sometimes, they wanted more though. I didn’t know…I had no idea that there were people who could enjoy such things,” she said. “They would hold me down. Or tie me up. So I couldn’t move. I hate feeling helpless, small. You taught me that I’m not. But it was scary to think that if I had wanted to pull away from you, and you weren’t
you
, you were someone bad…Without my knives, I probably wouldn’t be able to get away.”
Kaz fiddled with the head of his cane. “You could have kneed me in the groin,” he suggested.
It wasn’t a funny conversation, but Inej chuckled anyway. “I guess you’re right. I just panicked.”
She did not try to apologize for it again. Good. She didn’t owe him an apology for it. Kaz was not angry at her, or disappointed. She had been so patient with him. He owed her the same.
“I can’t tell you what I want. What I like. How to touch me. Because I don’t know how to feel it. Most of those nights, I vanished. I wasn’t there. My body was being used, but my mind was elsewhere. And when I couldn’t vanish, when I had to feel it…It was just pain, Kaz. Never pleasure. Not once. The other girls said sometimes it felt good, or that if the client was attractive, they could…get into it. I never could.”
There were tears welling in her eyes. She blinked, and they spilled over onto her cheeks. “When I think about…Us…And yes, I have thought about it, and I have
wanted
…I’m scared that I won’t like it. Or that I’ll just disappear, and I won’t even feel it.”
She wiped at her face with her sleeve. “But I think…Saints, we haven’t even kissed yet. I’m getting ahead of myself. Nevermind.”
Yet.
That word made him sit up straighter. “You can say it,” he rasped.
“I don’t think I could be…beneath you. I think I would want to be…In control,” she said, her words careful, cautious, like she was walking a tightrope.
Kaz thought back to the people having sex in the Crow Club earlier. The man had been inside of the woman, yes, but she was on top of him. She was pulling his hair, talking in his ear. Calling the shots. In control. He had wondered if that would feel good. In all of his inexperience, Kaz thought it would.
“Okay,” he said.
Inej eyed him curiously. “At the Geldrenner…You were okay at first. But when you kissed me, here,” She touched two fingers to the spot where her neck met her shoulder. “I froze. I hadn’t been expecting it, and I froze. It was when I went still, when I stopped speaking—That’s when you got ill.”
Kaz remembered that moment all too well. He had replayed it in his mind a thousand times, trying to think of how it could have gone differently. How he would fix his mistakes, if he could do it all over again. She had told him,
Go on
. He should have known that he wasn’t ready. That she wasn’t ready. Sensing she had more to say, he echoed her words from that night: “Go on.”
“Did you—When I vanish, I go stiff. Silent. Do you think that maybe, if I’m talking, moving, you don’t imagine me as…Dead?” she asked.
He pondered this. The sound of her voice had comforted him in the carriage on their way to the Ice Court. The tightly packed bodies, the stench of decay in there had sent him back to the water. It was her voice, her prodding his leg that kept him sane. Oddly, in that moment, her touch had helped to ground him. Because she was alive.
Alive, alive, alive
. Moving, talking, breathing.
“Maybe,” he said. Her idea did have some merit to it.
“I want to try something,” she said. “Can I touch your face?”
He didn’t hesitate. “Yes.” He was fully clothed, from neck to toe. His face was the only exposed skin she could reach. If things went awry, he still had the soothing sensation of leather at his hands.
Inej reached out tentatively. “On my ship, while I tried to sleep, I would think about you. I would close my eyes and picture your face, making sure I wouldn’t forget it while I was away.” She brought her left hand to his cheek, a firm, warm pressure.
He could practically hear her pulse thrumming in her wrist. A sign of life. He didn’t recoil.
“I imagined touching your face. When I was a child, there was a little boy in a village we stopped in. He was blind. He asked if he could feel my face, so he could know what I looked like. I let him,” she said. “I imagined how it would feel to map out your face, so I would never forget it, even if I spent months at sea.”
Sweet, darling Inej. His little Suli idealist, an optimist, a romantic at heart. His stomach felt like it was doing flips as he imagined her laying in bed, thinking of him. Her
missing
him. A smile tugged at his lips.
Inej brushed her fingers along his jaw. “You have a strong jaw. Sharp.”
He shivered, but he didn’t pull away.
“And sharp cheekbones, too. Your face is all angles,” she said. “Except your nose. That’s softer. A curve.” She ran her pointer finger over the bridge of his nose, then tapped the tip of it.
His skin felt hot. She could definitely feel the blush beneath her fingertips.
Tentatively, Inej brought her fingers to his lips.
Kaz made a soft noise in the back of his throat, completely involuntary.
“Is this okay?” Inej asked.
Kaz nodded, afraid that if he opened his mouth, he’d make some other ridiculous sound.
Inej was smiling. “Your lips are softer than I’d expected. And you’re so red,” she commented. “Am I embarrassing you, Kaz Brekker?”
He averted his eyes to his lap. “You’re going to be the death of me, Wraith,” he replied.
She giggled. “Let’s hope not.”
That laugh, the one he wished he could bottle and get drunk on. Even when she was laughing at him, he loved that sound.
Her fingers returned to his jaw. “I want to kiss you.”
Kaz swallowed. “We can try.”
“Do you want to?”
He did. He wanted to try, so badly. He wanted to put his foolish fears aside and kiss her without a care in the world. But would the feeling of her lips on his send him to the ocean, drowning in the harbor? People kissed with their eyes closed. With their hands all over each other. Would he be able to handle it?
He figured it was time to find out. “I do. I can’t promise that I’ll be able to handle it. Or that I’ll be…good at it. But yes, I want to.”
Inej’s face softened. “If you want to stop, just pull away. I won’t be angry.”
He didn’t really know what to do. Was he supposed to purse his lips? Hold her waist? He just sat there. Let her take the lead.
Inej’s face came closer, and their noses bumped together slightly before she tilted her head to the side, eyeing him for any sign of discomfort. When she found none, she shut her eyes and pressed their lips together.
Kaz kept his hands at his sides, but after a moment of uncertainty, his lips moved against hers. She tasted like tea. He was sure that by an experienced person’s standard, it would be an awful, clumsy kiss. But for Kaz, who had never kissed anyone before, who was frankly impressed with himself for handling it, and who was absolutely enamored with Inej Ghafa, it felt magical.
It didn’t last long. If they had kept going, Kaz was sure the waters would rise eventually. The wet sound of their lips, the proximity, it would have caught up to him. But for a moment, it had been fine. It had been
perfect
.
Inej pulled away first, breathing heavily. Kaz worried that she was triggered, but then he realized she was smiling. And he couldn’t help but smile too.
“Was it…?” she asked. Tolerable, safe, good, enjoyable? Any such adjective could have fit into the end of her sentence.
“Yes,” he replied. “For you?”
“Yes.”
To Kaz’s horror, he realized that his trousers had become tighter. He pressed his legs together, not wanting Inej to notice. If she did notice, she didn’t say anything.
When he stood to leave, he promised to see her again tomorrow. He made the uncomfortable walk back to the Slat and collapsed into his bed, mind racing. He had never been able to touch himself before. His mind and body were probably too overwhelmed by the new experiences, new sensations he’d experienced that evening, and yet, there was this urge within him to push the limits. Just the memory of Inej’s lips on his sent all his blood rushing south. He felt like a ridiculous, hormonal teenager. And at just nineteen, he technically still was.
He stripped off his hat, his gloves, and his suit jacket. He kicked off his shoes. He sat on the edge of his bed. How could he…? He moved his bare hand down to where his cock had grown hard in his trousers, and curiously pressed his hand to the bulge there.
A soft, pathetic noise climbed in his throat and pushed itself through his lips without his permission. He bit down on his lip, hard, even though he knew no one could hear him from his room. He waited for the panic, the sickness, but it didn’t come. He wasn’t touching his skin this way, through his clothes. And it still felt good. It felt fucking great, actually.
And so, for the first time in his life, Kaz Brekker touched himself, palming his hard cock through two layers of fabric, and he could not believe that in all these years, he had never given in to such a simple pleasure. He enjoyed the finer things in life: Nice suits, expensive whiskey, lots of
kruge
. As revenge became the only thing on his mind, he scoffed at the idea that he may have desire, may need affection, romance, or sex. He was above it.
Brick by brick
, he said. He would have his victory, and there was no time for distraction.
But he had won that game, and he realized as he brought himself close to the edge that he had denied himself the simplest pleasure all along: A good fucking orgasm.
Like an idiot, as he came, he found himself breathlessly saying, “
Inej
.” Whispered, like a prayer. She would have called him blasphemous for that comparison, but it was the closest thing to worship Kaz had done in years.
He stripped off his now sticky clothes and washed himself, feeling…different. A little embarrassed, a little grossed out by what a messy ordeal it had all been. But mostly, he felt brand new. Reborn. Like he was becoming the kind of man that was worthy of Inej’s love.
***
Inej was planning to stay in Ketterdam a little longer. Kaz would have been lying if he said it didn’t fill him with relief to hear her say it. The four of them were having drinks in the Crow Club when she told him.
“And you can visit her every night,” Jesper said, trying and failing to keep a straight face.
Wylan nudged him in the ribs, hard. Kaz felt vindicated when Jesper winced and spilled a bit of beer onto his shirt. Wylan was perhaps becoming Kaz’s second favorite person, because he kept his mouth shut. Unlike Jesper, who seemed to have a new sly comment every few moments.
Inej rarely drank, but she was having wine, her dainty hands holding the glass so delicately. He thought about how her fingers had felt ghosting over his cheeks, his jaw. How gentle she had been.
They were sitting on the same side of a booth, and underneath the table, their knees were touching. Kaz was so aware of it, shifting awkwardly in his seat, his heart pounding. There was plenty of fabric between them. It wasn’t a big deal. Except when it came to touching Inej, everything felt like a big deal.
Jesper and Wylan were sitting so close to each other, touching one another’s hands. Jesper kept stealing food off of Wylan’s plate, leaning in to press little kisses to his temple and cheek.
When their friends were finished with their food and drinks, they stood to say their goodbyes.
“I think I’ll stay here a little longer,” Inej told them. She gave quick, one-armed hugs to them both, while Kaz offered them both nods and some semblance of a half-smile.
Once they were gone, Inej slowly placed her hand on Kaz’s knee. His good knee. He had been expecting it, had seen her arm moving, and so he didn’t flinch.
“Shall we take this conversation to your office?” she asked.
Kaz stood up so quickly, he nearly fell over the table. “Yes,” he said, trying to maintain some semblance of poise. He was normally so composed, even with the limp. She brought out the nervous, bumbling boy in him.
They made their way to his office, Haskell’s old office. Kaz had the DeKappel hanging on the wall. He caught Inej sending it a fond glance, one of the first heists they’d pulled together, just the two of them. Maybe
that
was when he had fallen for her, watching her tiptoe through the darkened rooms of Van Eck’s mansions, the same halls she now peacefully inhabited on her visits.
Inej shifted the papers on his desk out of the way before perching herself on top of it. She liked sitting up there, making herself seem tall. Kaz liked when she hovered over him like that. He sat at his desk chair, looking up to meet her eyes.
“I’ve been writing to Nina,” she said. “Her and Matthias send their love.”
Kaz nodded. “Good to hear. Their time in Ravka is going well, I hope?”
“Very.” She didn’t elaborate. Kaz didn’t really want her to, anyway.
She scooted to the edge of his desk and put her feet on either side of his chair, her legs encasing him. He couldn’t help the way his eyes tracked up and down her body, lingering between her legs. He pulled his gaze away quickly, clearing his throat.
“You are allowed to look at me, you know,” she said. “I don’t mind. When men on the street stare, it still makes me shrink. It’s why I prefer to climb. But you don’t make me feel that way. I like feeling your eyes on me.”
Kaz’s eyes flickered to her face. “I don’t want to make you feel like they did. Ever.”
“I will never lie to you about that. I will never feign comfort to please you, Kaz. All I ask is that you do the same.”
“I won’t.”
“Then you can look.”
She slowly undid her braid, then shed her coat. The knives around her waist glinted in the light. Kaz watched her fluid movements, how she kept her dark eyes trained on him.
“I used to feel that when men thought of me that way, that it was an insult. An act of violence. But I was a child then, and I was not meant for their eyes and hands. I would have plucked out their eyes and cut off their hands for daring to think of me as an object. I didn’t want to be wanted,” she explained. “I feel differently now. About you. I want you to want me.”
Kaz’s lips parted. He took a deep, steadying breath.
“Do you want me, Kaz?”
He did. More than anything. More than revenge, more than
kruge
. “Yes,” he rasped.
“Do you think of me? Do you think of me…” Her eyes flickered to his lap. “
That
way?”
He thought about the night before, how he had cum with her name on his tongue. It had felt wrong in the aftermath, but now, to hear her express her desire too, he felt the guilt begin to melt away. “I do. I…I have.”
Inej smirked. “I have, too. I never did it until recently. I was afraid that even my own touch would be too much. I was very wrong. When I’m in control, I know I’m safe.”
The idea of Inej touching herself between her legs, thinking of him, was almost too much for Kaz to handle. He had to bite back a noise something akin to a whimper.
“You trust me, don’t you?” she said. “Are you willing to try something tonight?”
“Yes,” he said. “Yes.”
She used her legs to push his chair back, and she scooted back on the desk, her knees still apart.
“How do you touch yourself, Kaz?”
His face burned. “I can’t do it…Without clothes.”
Inej’s eyes flashed. “Will you show me?” she asked.
A shiver went up Kaz’s spine. He should have felt humiliated. He should have felt disgusted. Instead, all he felt was pure and palpable desire. “I can. Are you sure?”
“Yes. I want to see you.”
Slowly, Kaz stripped off his gloves and his jacket. This time, he unbuttoned his trousers too. His underclothes were still enough fabric to keep him safe. To keep him from drowning.
To his surprise, Inej’s hands went to the waist of her pants, too. It slipped inside of her clothes.
Kaz’s eyes went wide. Tentatively, he pressed the heel of his hand against his cock and a gasp fell from his lips. His hips bucked up into the touch.
Inej was staring, her lips parted, her cheeks flushed. He could see the lump that was her hand moving between her legs. It looked like she was rubbing at something there.
He was going to faint. Not actually, not because he was afraid or disgusted. Because she looked so perfect, because it was something he could have scarcely imagined.
“Inej,” he breathed. “Can you talk to me?”
Her reply was breathless. “About what?”
“About what you’re doing. How it feels.”
For future reference
, he thought.
“There’s a spot at the top of—Most men only care about being inside, but this,
oh
, it feels so good when I touch it,” Inej said, her hips rocking back and forth.
Hearing the pleasure dripping from her voice, watching her lose herself to the sensation was bringing Kaz close to the edge much sooner than he would have liked. He had heard around the Crow Club, around the Slat that it was bad for a guy to finish too quickly. But it felt so good, how was he supposed to keep control? He didn’t think Inej would care about such a thing.
“Saints, you look so beautiful, Kaz,” Inej said.
That was all it took to push him over the edge, shocked at the noise that escaped him. His voice, usually so raspy and love, that usually spoke in threats and sarcasm, sounded pathetic and high-pitched as he came. He didn’t have the energy to be embarrassed about it.
Inej let out a soft whine. “Did you like that? Me calling you beautiful, hm?” she asked. Her hand was still moving.
“Yes,” he replied. It had surprised him, too. Kaz cared about how he looked, simply to keep up an appearance. His well-tailored suits, hat and gloves and cane, they painted a picture of a Barrel boss. Otherwise, he had never given much thought to if he was attractive. Something about the words coming from Inej, something about her choice to say
beautiful
instead of hot or handsome had sparked something within him, had altered his brain chemistry.
Inej let out a soft noise, hips stuttering, and then took her hand out of her trousers.
“Did you…?” Kaz asked.
“Yes,” Inej said.
Her reaction had been much less intense than his, which piqued his suspicion. Maybe it was just different for women. He hated to think that she would fake it for his sake, especially after she had just sworn she wouldn’t pretend with him.
He didn’t want to push it. The evening had already transcended what either of them ever imagined could happen between them.
Kaz looked down at the mess he had made. Thankfully, he left extra clothes in his office in case of a particularly bloody fight or a sleepless night spent at his desk.
Inej was smiling. “Thank you. That was—Thank you.”
Kaz smiled too. Sweet, darling Inej.
***
Every night for the next week, Kaz and Inej saw each other. Sometimes, all they did was talk. Other nights, they worked on what they had begun to build: A relationship. A physical one. They practiced holding hands, without Kaz’s gloves. They kissed. It usually went well.
Some nights, it didn't.
Kaz stumbled out of the restroom, face pale and sweaty.
“I’m sorry,” Inej said. Her voice sounded so small.
It took him a moment to form words. “Don’t be. It was bound to happen eventually.”
“Did I do something specific that triggered it?” she asked.
She was just holding his hand, but they had been silent. Inej’s eyes were drooping: She had mentioned being tired that evening.
She was just so still, so silent. He thought about walking through the streets, clinging to Jordie’s hand, afraid of all the beggars and stray animals that wandered around them. He thought about Jordie, still and silent. Dead. Rotting.
He had ripped his hand from Inej’s lazy grip and rushed to vomit.
“No,” he said honestly. “Like we talked about, I think it’s just hard when we aren’t speaking. When I let my mind wander…”
Inej opened her mouth like she was going to apologize again, but she didn’t. “I know how that feels.”
Kaz limped back to his bed, sitting tentatively on the edge of his mattress. Inej didn’t move any closer. For the first time since she’d returned, he was grateful for the distance between them.
To Kaz’s surprise, one of Inej’s Suli proverbs came to his mind.
The trick to falling is in getting back up.
She was really rubbing off on him. The setback did not destroy the progress they had made. Just because he had fallen once, it didn’t mean that he was back to the beginning. They could move past it. He could get back up.
Just not quite yet.
They spent the rest of the evening talking. Inej sat cross-legged at the end of his bed, while he laid with his bad leg outstretched.
“How did you do it?” she asked. "You never told me."
“Fell off a roof,” he replied. “I put together a crew to help me rob a bank. They weren’t the brightest bunch, so the
stadwatch
got involved. I was running from them and, well, I suppose I jumped, not fell. I’m not as graceful as you,” he said, the corners of his mouth twitching.
Inej chuckled. “No one tried to find you a Healer?”
“I didn’t want them to touch me,” he admitted. “And I had better things to do with the money I’d stolen. It healed eventually.”
“Arguably,” Inej replied. “You don’t want it fixed?”
“No,” Kaz said. “It hurts, yes, but it’s…A reminder, I suppose.”
“Of?”
“What it took to get me to where I am. What I had to lose. Plus, it adds to the mystery.”
That made her laugh. And then he laughed too, because the sound of her happiness had become irresistible to him, infectious. He would have made a fool of himself over and over just to hear her laughing.
“Have you spoken to your parents?” Kaz asked.
“We write,” Inej replied. “They worry about me, obviously. But I think they understand that this is what I have to do. Maybe the next time I’m here in Ketterdam, I could invite them to come too?”
Kaz had worried that his first impression on Inej’s parents hadn’t been a great one. He had been so flustered from holding her hand, from the fact that she wanted to share that moment with him. He had shaken her father’s hand without his gloves, and had forced himself to deal with it. When her mother had gone in for a hug, Inej had to step in and tell them that Kaz wasn’t a hugger.
He hadn’t missed the confused look on their faces. Shame had flooded through him. After reuniting these people with their daughter, their daughter whom he cared for so deeply, he couldn’t even allow them to show their gratitude?
“I’ll need to make a better impression this time,” he said.
“My parents loved you,” she replied. “They didn’t love my recounting of how we met. They needed some time to reconcile with the girl I had become. But once they got over their initial shock, they had nothing but good things to say about you.”
Kaz looked at her like she had gone insane. “But I—”
“Kaz, you gave them their child back. That is a kindness that can not be overlooked. They are eternally grateful to you. As am I,” she told him. “Plus, Mama says you’re very handsome.”
He felt his cheeks flush, at a loss for what to say. “If you do invite them, let me know. I’ll arrange a nice room for them at the Geldrenner.”
“They don’t need anything lavish. They’re travelers.”
“Well, they brought you into my life. I’m quite grateful to them, too. And money is the way I know how to show it,” he replied, trying to make the words sound more nonchalant than they were.
Tears started to sparkle in Inej’s eyes. He worried that he had said something wrong until he saw the smile on her face.
“Kaz Brekker, expressing gratitude. I never thought I’d see the day.”
Kaz rolled his eyes, but the fond smile on his face proved he didn’t mean it. “I’m working on it,” he said.
“And that’s all I ask.”
***
Wylan had officially dubbed that guest room as Inej’s. “Everytime you’re here, you’re always welcome,” he told her.
The next time Kaz went over, Inej had already replaced the gaudy curtains with something much simpler. It comforted him to know that she had multiple reasons to return. People to see, places to stay. She had a home there.
“The other night, when we…” He was an adult. Why did talking about it make him feel so strange? What did one even call what they had done? Touching themselves in the same room didn’t seem like it counted as sex, not by most people’s standards at least.
Inej nodded, sparing him the trouble of finding the right words. “What about it?”
“You said that you finished. I was just wondering about it. It didn’t seem quite as—
intense
, for you.”
“I don’t think it’s supposed to be,” Inej replied. “Heleene always said that pleasure for a woman is more subtle. It feels good when I do it. I think I’m…finishing. But I suppose I wouldn’t know what it feels like.”
“I wouldn’t trust Heleene’s word on anything,” Kaz replied. “I won’t pretend that I understand much about it. Sex. But I just want…If we’re going to be doing this, I want it to be good for you too.”
“It did feel good. I just don’t know if it’s supposed to be…more. When it’s over.” Inej smiled. “I suppose I have to write Nina a very embarrassing letter later.”
Kaz laughed. It happened more often lately. She was making him soft. Something he had avoided for so long had become a welcome change. As long as his mask didn’t slip when he was out on the streets, he could reconcile with this new, softer Kaz that he had become.
Perhaps it was Kaz Rietveld, back from the dead. Bits of the boy he might have been, if he had never felt such suffering. If he and Inej had met under better circumstances, if they were not both still afraid beneath the surface, afraid of what was brewing between them.
He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but his mouth was moving before his brain could catch up and stop him. “I love you,” he said.
Inej’s initial surprise was quickly replaced by the most beautiful smile Kaz had ever seen. “I love you too.”
***
They were lying in her bed. Inej hadn’t been sure if it would bring back bad memories, but she had wanted to try. Kaz could tell it wasn’t easy, but she was trying. She had started talking.
“When I couldn’t sleep as a child, my mother would lay in bed with me. Sing me lullabies.”
He was laying on his stomach, watching her. “Jordie did that too. Except he whistled. Badly.”
It was starting to hurt less and less to talk about Jordie. Kaz would bring him up organically, recall a small memory. It felt good to remember his brother as something other than a fool or a corpse.
Inej rolled onto her side. “Can I try something?” she asked.
It was a question she often posed whenever she wanted to touch him. Kaz had stopped hesitating when he answered. “Yes.”
She reached out and ran her fingers down his back, from the nape of his neck down to the waistband of his pants and back up again.
Kaz felt himself relax, practically melt beneath her touch. He closed his eyes. Before Inej, he was so accustomed to violence. The only time he made contact with another person was when they were beating the shit out of each other. She was so gentle with him. Not like he was fragile, and she was worried that he would break. It was more like she knew all that he had been through and was trying to balance it out, have some good to accompany the bad.
Her touch strayed from just traveling up and down his spine, wandering towards his shoulder blades, moving over the ridges of his rib cage. Even the way she moved her fingers was graceful, her touch soft like her footsteps. She followed the curve of his side, blunt fingernails tracing along the fabric of his shirt.
He squirmed.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
Kaz was half-asleep. “Tickles,” he murmured.
Inej giggled. “Really?”
He opened his eyes, squinting over at her. “Don’t get any ideas, Wraith.”
The mischievous look on her face told him that she was, in fact, getting ideas, but not ones that she would act on just yet. He appreciated that. She just smiled and began rubbing his back with a flat palm instead. He was asleep in just a few minutes.
Until he was woken by the sound of Inej gasping for air.
Kaz sat up, looking around for whatever intruder had broken into his room, whoever was harming her. He found nothing. Instead, he found Inej curled up in his bed, dreaming. Or rather, having a nightmare.
She was breathing heavily, twitching.
He wasn’t sure what to do: Sit and watch her, wait for the nightmare to pass and hope she could sleep peacefully after, or wake her…But as he was pondering that question, Inej suddenly sat up, eyes wild.
“Inej—”
Before Kaz could speak again, one of Inej’s knives was pressed against his chest. He stayed very still, his mind going into survival mode, trying to find a way out of the situation. Normally, when there was a weapon on him, Kaz didn’t love the person on the other end of it, and would have had no qualms about killing his way out of a sticky situation.
“Inej,” he tried again, his voice soft. “It’s me. Kaz.”
He had never seen her like that, so disheveled and afraid. Even after everything they had been through together, she had always maintained some form of composure, had steeled herself and refused to show weakness.
Inej’s chest rose and fell rapidly, teeth bared like a caged animal.
Kaz met her eyes and raised his hands so she could see them. “You’re safe, Inej. I promise.”
He couldn’t remember the last time he had used that word.
Promise
. He had learned young that false promises were common and cruel, and that nothing good was ever guaranteed. He would link pinkies with his brother as a child. Jordie had promised him peace in their new life. It had obviously not come to fruition. But Kaz knew that he would fight to his death to protect Inej, even when she didn’t need protecting. It was a promise that even Dirtyhands would keep.
Slowly, Inej lowered the knife, her panicked expression melting away into something more like confusion. “Kaz?”
He nodded. “It’s me. You’re in my room, at the Slat. We were just sleeping.”
Her eyes scanned the room before landing back on his face, and she seemed to calm until she looked down and remembered the knife in her hand.
“I’m so sorry,” she said.
“It’s alright, Inej.”
“No, it isn’t. I could have hurt you, or worse.”
“But you didn’t.”
For a moment, he was worried that Inej was going to cry. She had shed many tears since she had been back. But she didn’t. She wrapped his blanket around herself, settling back against the headboard.
“It was just a bad dream,” she muttered, seemingly more to herself.
“Do you want me to walk you back to Wylan’s?” Kaz asked.
Inej shook her head. “Can I stay?”
“Always.”
Kaz tentatively laid back down beside her, and she didn’t move away. She reached out a hand, waiting. He gave her a small nod, encouraging her to touch him. She rested the hand that had just held a knife to his chest against his cheek.
He leaned into her touch like a cat eager to be pet. He may as well have been purring. He turned his head and pressed a kiss to the palm of her hand. When he looked up, the fear and guilt had faded from her face. She looked calm again.
“Suli people don’t have a word for sorry,” Inej said. “
This action will have no echo
. That’s what we say. But I can’t say that to you. I can’t promise that something like that will never happen again.”
“And I can’t promise that I’ll never be sick again. It’s not a straightforward path. You said it yourself: Good days and bad days,” he replied. “You don’t need to be sorry. You don’t need to promise anything.”
When Inej dozed off again, she didn’t have any other nightmares. Kaz stayed up, making sure of it.
***
Inej was leaving tomorrow. She had put it off for quite some time, but Kaz knew she was not back for good. She had important work to do.
“Will you write to me?” he asked.
“As often as I can,” she replied.
Kaz nodded. He understood why she needed to go. There was a selfish part of him that wanted her to stay. Inej said that there were people who needed her.
I need you too
, he had thought, but hadn’t said it. He knew it wasn’t the same.
“Speaking of letters,” Inej said. Her face looked flushed. “Nina wrote back to me. A very long,
detailed
explanation. I guess you were right: There is more to it.”
Kaz raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes. It’s not supposed to be subtle, apparently. She said that because it’s so unfamiliar to me, I might be enjoying the bare minimum. For girls, it isn’t as…Obvious, when it’s over.”
Kaz thought about the mess it made when he came. Perhaps girls were lucky to not have to deal with such a thing.
“I thought that maybe when I get back from my next voyage, we could…”
“Yes,” Kaz said before she could even finish the sentence.
Inej laughed. “I don’t want to risk it going wrong tonight. I just want to be with you.”
Kaz couldn’t have agreed more. So they sat, fingers intertwined, and talked. About where Inej would go, when she could return. If she would invite her parents to join them. And what Kaz would do. Work, mostly.
“You should spend more time with Wylan and Jesper,” she said. “You don’t have to be so lonely all the time, you know. They love you.”
Getting used to the idea that Inej loved him was already complicated enough for him. Thinking about the others: Jesper, Wylan, Nina, Matthias..It was odd. They were a team, having been through the unimaginable together. But love was not a word Kaz was very familiar with. Was it
love
that he felt for them? He thought about how he felt about Inej: Worry for her when she was hurt or out of his sight. A desire to have her around. Taking her opinion into account, even when his plan felt foolproof. He did all of those things for the others. His crew. His crows. His friends.
Begrudgingly, Kaz figured that he loved them, too.
“I will,” he told her. He wasn’t lying.
***
Kaz, Jesper, and Wylan all went with her to the dock that morning.
“I don’t need an escort,” she had teased, but Kaz could tell she was grateful for the send-off.
The Wraith was docked, her crew already setting up for the journey. Some of them noticed her and waved, others were too wrapped up in their tasks to see her approaching.
She stood on her tiptoes to hug Jesper and Wylan goodbye, squeezing them tightly. Kaz no longer felt jealous watching her hug other people. He could pull her close too, something he had once only dreamed of.
She stepped in front of him, searching his face for any signs of hesitation. Finding none, she stood on her toes once more, and Kaz bent down to give her a quick kiss on the lips.
“I love you,” she whispered. “I’ll be back soon.”
“I love you too,” he replied, equally soft.
Inej gave them all one last wave before boarding her ship.
When Kaz turned to his friends, Jesper’s mouth was literally hanging open in surprise. Wylan’s blue eyes were wider than Kaz had ever seen them.
He smirked. “What? You’re the one who told me to be happy, Jes.”
Their shocked expressions slowly faded and were replaced by smiles.
“Nina owes me thirty
kruge
,” Jesper said.
“I thought you were done with betting,” Kaz retorted.
“Well, I figured the stakes weren’t as high on this one. I knew I’d win,” he replied with a wink.
Kaz rolled his eyes. “Well, you can use that money to buy me a drink.”
As the three of them headed for the Crow Club, Kaz cast one longing look back at Inej’s ship.
She’ll be back
, he reminded himself. And for the first time in forever, Kaz had hope.
He still wasn’t sure when he had fallen for Inej. How quickly she had lodged herself into his heart, a permanent fixture. All he knew was that he had fallen hard, and he didn’t plan to push it away any longer. They had one another. With or without armor, with or without nightmares.
Kaz and Inej.
Together
. It had a nice ring to it.