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“Would you stop that?”
“He stormed out on you. On your
birthday
.” Amanda huffed, placing her lemonade down on the table with a little bit too much force.
Clarissa frowned as their dishes rattled, her eyes narrowing in the way Amanda had always adored. “He got me flowers though!”
Amanda nearly collapsed onto the table from sheer disbelief. “Clarissa, sweetie, you know I love you…”
She nodded, not a doubt in her mind that Amanda did.
And she really, really did.
“But nearly all the petals on the flowers had fallen off because he had to sprint to your date. Because he was
twenty minutes late
. Honestly, honey, what do you ever see in this guy?”
Clarissa took a moment to think. It was the day after her birthday, and she had asked Amanda to go out for lemonade and pizza– the way that they’ve done since high school. It was their little way to decompress. Sitting for hours in the back of Mr. Wilson’s restaurant, sipping lemonade, they were able to talk about anything, within the safety of their own tiny world. They had always had each other, and often, they were the only thing each other had.
Of course, they hadn’t been able to do it very often recently, which is why Amanda is cherishing every moment she has with Clarissa right now. They were both so busy with studying (at the same university in California, which had been their plan since they were kids!). The two of them had only been able to reconvene in Mr. Wilson’s restaurant recently, while they were back home in New Jersey for summer vacation. Even then, their alone time together had been sparse. They both had to work, continue to study, and, quite unfortunately, one of them (
cough, Clarissa
) was now in a relationship.
With Mark. Who Amanda adored. Absolutely. He was funny, smart, and a hard worker. She can ignore the tightening in her chest whenever she sees them together. She really can. She knows she’s being completely unreasonable and selfish. But he was just also really,
really
, terrible for Clarissa.
“– just has this charm to him, you know?” Clarissa was rambling now, and Amanda had been too distracted by her own thoughts to catch what Clarissa had been saying. It didn’t matter though; at this point in their lives, she knew Clarissa’s thought process through and through.
She pouted. “I guess. But you also have to remember that he's, like, the worst at keeping his temper.”
Clarissa only giggled. “I don’t worry too much about that. I got a temper too, babe.”
Amanda nearly choked on nothing.
Babe
. What a word to toss around like it’s nothing. Honestly, she did the same thing too, calling Clarissa ‘honey’ and ‘sweetie’ almost 30 times a day, but this just felt so different. Being called
babe
by Clarissa. The one she really, really loved. Loved for so many years.
This was Amanda’s deepest secret, one that she has (kind of) successfully hid from Clarissa. It took all her might not to blurt it out – but sometimes, she couldn’t help it, sprinkling in tiny remarks here and there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“How the hell did you get the square root of three?” Amanda asked, completely exasperated.
“I don’t know!” Clarissa groaned, hitting her head on the restaurant table. “It’s the number that the universe gave to me.” Her hand moved around vaguely, voice muffled against her notebook.
“Well, the universe is wrong,” Amanda smiled in amusement, “and you really need to study more. You’re a junior, Clarissa! You can’t be failing algebra like this.”
Clarissa lifted her head up again with a pout, her golden blonde hair completely disheveled. Her face was tinted a slight pink. Amanda’s heart skipped a beat. She wanted, more than anything, to reach over and kiss that face.
The thought utterly shocked her. Kiss her best friend? No way. Why did that even come to her mind? Is she going crazy?
…Would Clarissa want to kiss her?
No – that’s dumb. And completely, utterly, insane. She doesn’t even know why that thought came to her. Even still, her hand, almost defiantly, reached out to Clarissa’s face. Her beautiful, stupid stupid stupid, face.
“...Amanda?” Clarissa said, in almost a whisper.
She coughed, quickly brushing her fingers against Clarissa’s hair. “Stupid.” She muttered. “You got tomato sauce in your hair.”
Amanda took her hand away, wiping it against a napkin.
Clarissa took a sharp breath. “Oh. Whoops.”
Her cheeks were still pink.
Amanda looked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amanda couldn’t help but sigh. She gave so many signs, none of them ever reciprocated. At this point in her life, she accepted it. Although, sometimes she wonders: what could have been, if only Clarissa loved her back? When she calls her
babe
, would she ever mean it in the way that Amanda hoped?
She tried not to think about it.
Clarissa raised an eyebrow. “Amanda? You alright?”
Go back into reality, stupid. Don’t think about the unachievable
. Amanda regained her composure, offering a small smile. “When am I not?” She ignored the tightening in her chest. She always did.
Clarissa crossed her arms. “Don’t lie to me. You’re stupidly bad at hiding your emotions.”
She feigned a hurt expression. “Why would you say something like that? I am a master of emotions.”
This made Clarissa laugh, a sound so contagious and overjoyous, that Amanda never got tired of.
If only Clarissa knew
.
Amanda took a closer look at Clarissa. She seemed happy, at least. Mark made her happy, even though he’s a complete idiot.
And so, Amanda had come to a secret decision: she couldn’t afford to think bitterly about Mark anymore. He would make a thousand more mistakes, and Clarissa would love him either way. In that way, she knew her and Clarissa were the same – following the one they love to the ends of the earth, if only they asked.
Amanda knew it would never be her. The idea of it hurt, more than anything, and she could feel her chest tighten even more at the thought of it. Clarissa would never love her in the same way. She was a woman full of spirit, of chaos, but also, exceptionally, of love. That love didn’t belong solely to Amanda, the one she had known for her entire life. It also belonged to a guy she met at university. But Amanda knows Clarissa, and she knows Clarissa will love him, wholly and undoubtedly, even when he doesn’t deserve it.
Especially
when he doesn’t deserve it. And that may be the part of Clarissa that Amanda loves the most.
“By the way, I got half olives on my pizza.” Clarissa said, picking up the conversation again. As she tends to do, whenever Amanda gets stuck in her own head.
Amanda chuckled, a hint of confusion in her voice. “Why? You hate them.”
She shrugged, pushing her plate in Amanda’s direction. “I know you love them. Plus, I’m not very hungry, so you can finish mine.”
Amanda smiled, happily taking the offer. “You always get me.”
Clarissa winked.
To love is to know someone, and Clarissa knows Amanda ever so well.
The tightening in Amanda’s chest softens, for only a moment.
And she thinks she’ll be okay.