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DI JOE ASHWORTH, FOLLOWED BY DS Steph Duncan, entered the room. DCI Vera Stanhope was sitting in her office with the door closed, usually, it was her way to tell the team to leave her alone. Joe’s return hadn’t turned out to be such a good thing after all. No one on the team understood what happened to him. The way he talked to everyone and Vera as if suddenly he was Mister-know-it-all. Looking down at everyone.
It's always been something DCI Stanhope hated in people. He seemed to show nothing else than total disrespect to them and to his former boss, which was even less understandable. Ashworth was particularly Vera’s shadow. At some point, people started to think something was happening between them. All they had to do was look at one another to know what they wanted to be done, and sometimes, nothing was said, and he brought her what she needed. He was always there looking out for her.
Kenny Lockard wasn’t surprised to see Joe head straight away for her office.
At least he knocked.
“Kenny, what’s with DI Ashworth and our DCI?” She asked him as she was close enough to his desk.
He smiled sadly and told her, “Long story.”
“He went defensive when I complained about her not cutting me any slack.”
“Oh, so he hasn’t changed completely then.”
“What do you mean?” Ducan looked at him expectantly.
“He’s always been like that before he left. He always defended her tooth and nail.”
Duncan looked at the man in disbelief. “Nah, that can’t be.”
“Oh yes, that’s how it was… we used to tease him mercilessly, calling him the teacher’s pet.”
“That’s not what he is now, though, and the DCI looks ready to kill him.”
That’s because she is. He’s sapping her authority, and she hates it, she always has, and Ashworth knows it. I’m wondering what’s gotten into him…”
“I don’t know. And I know I’ve only been here for six weeks, but something tells me the DI won’t win.”
“You’re right about that. He won’t.” He said, sighing.
The following days weren’t any easier, the tension between Joe and their boss was palpable, and something was ready to blow everyone on the team could feel it. Someone had to do something. Otherwise, all hell would break loose. The question was, what could they do?
Talking to Joe Ashworth? An idea, sure, but useless; he wouldn’t listen, and now that he’d become a DI, he suddenly thought that he was better than anyone on the team.
Talking to Vera? No, not in a million years, she barked, saying that nothing was going on.
All day, Kenny had wondered about what he could do to diffuse the bomb that was likely to go off since Joe’s return.
Then suddenly, once he was home talking to his wife during dinner, he knew because of something she’d said to him.
“I’d liked someone to send me a letter,” his wife told him. It was so much better before the computers and all the technology. I’m not saying it doesn’t have its advantages, like people with disability of some sort, but still, I miss paper and pen, the smell of it, and paper you can keep for years and reread it whenever you like. An email can be accidentally erased, and then it’s all gone. She’d told him, hoping he’d get the hint to write her a letter.He suddenly stood up, kissed her, and was out the door, leaving her to stare into emptiness, wondering what went into him.
***
The following morning, DI Joe Ashworth found an envelope on his desk. When he saw it, he frowned. Who on earth would have written him a letter, and why? he wondered. If someone had taken the time to write, it must be important.
Ashworth took the envelope and checked if an interview room was available.The first one was empty; he entered, closed the door, and took a seat at the table. Whoever wrote this had something to say about four pages that were written recto-verso, Joe looked at them sceptically but started to read.
DI Ashworth,
I didn’t know what else to do than write to you. I don’t know what happened to you, and frankly, I’m not sure I want to know. You’ve become distant with us, though you probably have your reasons. I think you’re being unfair. You’ve worked with all of us for so long, and I know we used to tease you lots about being the teacher’s pet because you were like her shadow. It’s never been anything more than teasing… I saw you look at her and smile when you saw her during the briefing, though you were quick at hiding it. But most of all, I saw the light in the boss’s eyes shining again the moment she saw you. Then you spoke, and the spell was broken.
You made us feel like we were beneath you. Including Vera Stanhope, our boss, your former boss, who you were close with. You came back after all these years, and what do you do? You practically tell you she can’t do her job. I almost thought you’d compare her to a dinosaur while you were the one to know firsthand how well she’s always done her job. Aye, there are rules, but they are meant to be bent sometimes to get a result. Have you forgotten everything she’s ever taught you?
Did you simply close the door on us and move on? I never thought you’d do that to her. You did so in the end, though, and by doing so, you showed us how wrong we all were about you. It’s true what they say: appearances are deceiving. The perfect Joe Ashworth with his perfect family and kids who look down on anyone who doesn’t do things the way they should or judge others when they can’t pull off the same standards. Difficult to understand you can be that way with all that you’ve seen in the job, and I pity you kids. If that’s what you teach them. Well, if you can live like that, good for you. You left for your family and for your kids to give them a better place to live, and because your wife wanted it, I am sure. You also left for your career there is no need to deny it. You’re a DI now, but this doesn’t make you a better person… I know, I know, I’m just poor Kenny Lockard, who's stuck in this place, right? Walls have ears…
Well, let me tell you this: I’m a copper, and personally, being promoted doesn’t interest me. I’m happy with it, and I’m happy to still work with Vera. She’s the best there is; she still drives us crazy most of the time, but she’s fair. I can still look at myself in the mirror, and that’s all that matters to me.
The world hasn’t become better, but we put criminals behind bars.
What really gets to me is what your departure has done to our boss. It’s all the main reason why I’m still here. It’s clear from your behaviour that you have no idea what it did to her. She became reckless, doing stupid things. She got herself stabbed because she couldn’t wait, which isn’t new, I know… poor Healy has been called Joe for about a month, and she was frustrated most of the time because no one knew her as much as you did.
You were the only one who could anticipate your wants, you could read the signs, and you were the only one who was able to get through to her walls, I’d dare say you were her confident, and suddenly you were gone, and you never turned back, you never called.
When Whelan died, I hoped you’d call her so she’d feel better, but no. I know you didn’t because… I’ve seen her more than once staring at her phone or in the emptiness of her office after a case, drinking more than she should. She needed you, SIR, but you weren’t there. I can hear what you’re thinking she could have called, too. As if she ever would. She never wanted to be a bother to anyone, still not, and certainly not to you. And she knows your wife's opinions about her. We all do.
It’s not because we don’t say much that we aren’t observant. You were special to her. I think she saw you as a friend, but you were so preoccupied with getting promoted and going somewhere better that you didn’t even see what you were leaving behind, she paid the highest price, she never lets anyone close anymore, her walls are even thicker than they ever were that all because you abandoned her for the sake of your so beloved career.
She’d never have held you back, even knowing that would break her because she respected you too much, and she knew that’s what you wanted. She was proud of you.
Well, I wonder where your respect for her is gone. Or isn’t she good enough for you because she doesn’t wear fancy clothes?
The worst in all of this, I’m sure that if you needed anything and you asked for her help, she wouldn’t give a second thought to it, she’d help you in any way she could.
You’re probably disappointed and will deny it, but I thought you ought to know what had happened and why she became more assertive.
Regards,
Kenny.
Joe felt a mix of shock, anger, and sadness and stared at the letter he held in his hand. He waited a few moments before folding it back and replacing it in the envelope. Where did all this come from suddenly, had he changed that much? He wondered.
With what right did Kenny write him a letter like this?Joe Ashworth leaned against the back of his chair. He never pictured Kenny as the kind of man who would write a letter, but he did. He was protective of their boss. A role Joe had taken upon him for years, and he had always liked to be the one who looked after her.
At the time, he’d have done anything for Vera Stanhope without hesitation, spending more time with her than with his wife. Reflecting on it now made him smile because it never really bothered him to spend his nights with his boss on a case rather than at home with his wife and kids… but then, for some unknown reason, things changed, and he let himself be convinced that he could do better than what he had right now that he could have better hours, be paid more, everything would be better if he could get a promotion. He got it eventually and left. Not thinking twice. He had convinced himself that he’d made the right decision. The decision seemed indeed to have been the right one for a couple of months. Celine was happy, so he was happy, or so he told himself.
Joe signed again… Kenny was right; everything he did was he thought for himself, but in reality, it was to please his wife. He’d follow the money and the job – forgetting the most important thing of all: himself and his happiness. How could he make anybody happy if he was happy himself?
Joe hated the picture Kenny had made of him, but what he hated even more was that the portrait was accurate.
Then something Vera had said to him when they were out drifted into his mind. This used to be your home!
Aye, it used to be my home, and he left thinking if he did, he’d see his kids more… what happened was the workload had been worse, and he had seen them less and less, as well as his wife and this time she couldn’t blame Vera Stanhope for it. After a few months, they both realized what a good and conciliant boss she’d been.
The place you live doesn’t matter as much as the people you are with. You never become a better person because you live in a fancier place.
Vera had never said those words, but that’s what she tried to teach him – to teach all of them. Never judge anyone either because you never know what they’ve been gone true.
And what had he been doing all those years? Judging. He thought he was better than others. That’s a trait of Celine he’d taken over he had no idea why and wanted to slap himself for it now. Why did always feel the need to please her? Why did he always do what she wanted? Did Celine ever ask him what he wanted? Honestly, not really, no.
He realized now that he had never been happy, not in his job or with his family, during the 10-11 years he had been transferred.
Bloody Hell! That comment he’d made about her car.
Ashworth, you’re a bloody bastard, he told himself.
He needed to talk to Vera; he needed to tell her. Tonight, he would go to her place and talk to her. That is if she let him in.
***
Vera was about to pour herself some whiskey and sit in her favourite chair when there was a knock on the door.
Can’t I ever be left in peace? She thought.
She went to open the door and was surprised by the man on the other side.
Not saying a word, Vera stepped aside to let him.
Not looking straight at her while his left hand scratched his neck. “Can we talk?”
“You are sure this is what you want, DI Ashworth?” She said in an icy cold voice he had never heard her use. Joe felt a chill run down his spine.
“I’m sorry,” Joe told her, not quite looking at her just yet.
At his words, something inside her shifted as often when she was in his company, even after all this time.
“Fancy a drink?” she asked, her voice softer.
Vera wished she could have stayed mad at him, but she couldn’t. Joe still had that special place in her heart. She never quite admitted nor acknowledged to herself, though, why he had such a place there.
A short nod was her answer.
“Oh, come on, don’t just stand there. Come and take a sit, you know me, I bark, but I usually don’t bite.”
A timid smile appeared on his lips at her last comment. “I think I deserve a bite, though.”
“Yeah, you do.” She smiled back at him and handed him a whiskey.
“Thanks”
Vera sat down and waited for him to tell her why he had come to see her at this hour. About thirteen years ago, this would have been natural, but now, she wondered what had happened to him. He had always been such a nice, sweet boy, sometimes a bit too naïve. He always saw the world in black or white; for him, there never was any grey. While her world was grey, it never was fully black or completely white, something experience told her. People do wrong things for the right reasons or what they think is right. Some stories are tragic, but most times, good things can come out of it.
Unfortunately, not always, but that’s a life was made.
“Lost your tongue?” She asked him as she became exasperated by his stretching silence.
“I’m sorry,” Joe said again.
“You said that already; you are not going to sound like a broken record, are you?”
She’s more assertive, for sure.
“I made a mistake 11 years ago. I shouldn’t have left. I should have you, the team, but especially you. I thought it was the right decision for the kids for Celine for me. I forget everything you’ve been teaching us. I’m ashamed of myself.”
A pause, Joe took a sip of his drink.
“You did what was right for you and your family at the time.”
“That’s what I thought too…”
Vera frowned at his words, not following him. He pursued his dream; she knew he wanted to become a DCI and one day have his own team. It’s not as if it was a secret, so she didn’t understand where these doubts came from.
“Thought?”
“The true reason I left was because of Celine; she wanted it, and I didn’t even think twice.”
Joe watched as she nodded knowingly. “You and your Celine…”
“Whaaaat?” He said a bit defensively.
“Hold your horse, Joe. It’s not meant as a reproach. It’s noble of you. But you’ve forgotten yourself in the process. I’m not married, but I know a thing or two about humans. Being married is something very grand, you bind yourself with another person supposedly for the rest of your life. Forever is only for a few chosen ones. Those let the other person breathe and do what they want. I mean, they do things together, but they also do things on their own. If I was married, I’d never want my husband to do something he doesn’t want, even though I would prefer that he do this or that.
If I did that, I know that sooner or later, he’d resent me or, even worse… hate me.
The line between love and hate is sometimes very thin.
Vera watched Ashworth take another sip of his drink. “Aye, you’re right about that.”
“Joe?”
“Except I resent myself for the first time in my life because I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I wanted to stay here and raise my kids here; I don’t need fancy. I’ve become a stranger to myself can you imagine that?”
“Yes.”
“I also did something I promised myself never to do. I turned my back on someone I care about, and I was too proud and too busy to pick up the phone.”
Vera heard him, but she was suddenly propelled twelve years back. Excepted she’d been the one saying those same words to Joe when he’d asked her why she’d lost touch with Stuart as they were such good mates.
She took a deep breath.
“Are you alright?”
“Don’t worry, pet, I’m not going to die on you. It’s just what you just said…” her voice trailed off.
“I know. I remember. I did not learn. I shouldn’t left and not given you an update; I should have called you when Wheelan died.”
“You had your job and your family to take care of, Joe.” She’d missed him, but she was still too proud and too hurt by everything to admit it to him.
She gulped her drink, and he saw every emotion on display on her face, everything she had hidden for so long. The hurt, the sadness, the disappointment. Seeing that seeing her like this broke his heart. She’d had to endure all of this because of him because he had turned his back on her. Joe hated himself for it.
Her lips started to quiver, he stood and came closer to her. Like all those years ago, she told him: “Don’t!”
This time, Joe didn’t listen, he put his arms around her and held her. After a moment, he felt her body shake as she cried.“I’m not going anywhere, Vera, I promise. I’m sorry I’ve let you down, but I’m back, and I’m not going anywhere anymore.” He told her in a soft voice.
After what felt like forever to her, Vera managed to recover enough. To be able to look at him.
Their eyes met. “You know, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry, love.”
“He doesn’t know who I am anymore. I’m gonna lose him twice. That’s the reason I took this gig in the first place.”
“I had my suspicions.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“It’s not my place, pet. And I didn’t really think you wanted to see me.”
“I’m ashamed to admit, I did want to at first, it felt too awkward. Then, seeing you there as if nothing had changed, I felt betrayed somehow.”
She laughed. “Me thinking all this time, you were happy because you finally got rid of me.”
“What? That’s what you thought?”
“Aye, love.”
“I drive my wife and the kids crazy because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I think Celine might have been tempted to phone you once or twice. I’ve missed you so much. They were things I told you, I never told Celine. I never had someone else like you where I could go to talk about a case.”
“Poor Healy, I tried his best, but he wasn’t you, I think I drove him crazy like everyone else on the team, and I was reckless, did stupid things….”
“I know. What got into you?”
“I lost my righthand man, I lost my best fr…” she stopped herself before she said the word.
Joe’s blue eyes were now shining with unshed tears.
“Me too,” he said.
Neither of them wanted to let go of the other, so they stood like this, holding one another, relishing the touch and warmth of each other’s arms.
She heard Ashworth laugh: “Remind me to say think you to Kenny.”
Vera looked at him questioningly.
“I’ll tell you later.”
The End