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All Agustín wants is to be a good husband and a good father.
He used to think he
was
one.
Now he’s not so sure.
How could he be, when Maria is completely out of control, has no remorse or empathy, and the rest of his family are suffering for it?
His wife is suffering, and while he used to be able to comfort her relatively easily, it’s getting harder and harder to do so. Knowing that makes his chest ache and it makes him want to cry, but it’s the truth. There’s only so much he can give, and with Maria getting worse and worse, his capacity to help is wearing thin.
He and Pepa have been stressed about their daughter for over a decade. As much as it shouldn’t be normal, it is. It feels unpleasant, and it plagues Agustín every moment. It was easier to manage before, because he and Pepa could lean on one another. They could reassure one another that everything would be alright.
But over the past two and a half months, the stress has made Pepa physically sick. She’s suffering. She’s suffering so badly and Agustín wants to help her, but he’s exhausted and drained from it all himself. He wants to give her what she needs, but he has so little left himself that he’s barely staying afloat.
It had started with Pepa getting a mild headache, which quickly turned into a full blown migraine and it hasn’t truly gone away for weeks. She’s always in pain, always nauseous, and she vomits several times a day. It’s so hard for her to even leave their room, and when she does, it’s never long before her heart palpitations and the panic attacks send her straight back to bed. Not that she can even rest; her insomnia is so bad that no one can remember the last time that Pepa slept. The hallucinations will begin again soon, and then what will happen? Agustín is dreading that happening.
It’s too much. He can’t cope.
Rain and fog has plagued the Encanto for ten days. Visibility is so poor that any kind of construction work, or anything considered to be dangerous work, has had to halt.
Pepa’s appetite is non-existent, and she’s losing weight at such a rapid pace that it’s making the entire family panic.
Except Maria, who looks almost smug. She knows that she’s causing this stress, and she’s proud of it. In her mind, Pepa deserves everything she gets because of all the abuse she’s inflicted on Maria. Knowing that Maria is proud of herself fills Agustín with so much rage and contempt that he can barely even
look
at his daughter.
Seeing her mother the shell of the woman she used to be doesn’t fill Maria with shame at all. It brings her
joy.
It's sickening.
Julieta’s food does nothing to help. Pepa’s symptoms are purely stress related, and not caused by a physical illness that can be healed.
All they can do is wait it out. But how long is it going to take? Agustín can’t go on with this much longer. As much as he hates himself for feeling this; caring for and worrying about Pepa is exhausting. It’s not just her physical health, but her mental health too.
She’s become more anxious than ever, and is displaying increasingly worrying behaviour.
After Maria placed nails in their coffee, Pepa has refused to drink anything (unless it’s a clear liquid like water) until she’s thoroughly checked that nothing is in it. It doesn’t matter who has made the beverage, or even if Pepa has watched the process of the drink being made. She’s become paranoid that Maria has somehow tainted her drink. Even when she’s at school and out of the house, Pepa still can’t settle. She’s always alert and can’t relax.
Agustín can’t blame her. Pepa had been quite badly injured by Maria’s stunt with the nails. It’s not surprising that she’s wary. He will never get the image out of his head. The nail had been coughed out in a small pool of her own blood.
It’s not only that though; she seems to be frightened of nearly everything. At night, she gets up several times to make sure the triplets’ doors are locked. Once she does so and goes back to bed, she questions herself, asking if he’s sure that she really locked the doors. She’s so frightened of Maria getting to them.
So is Agustín; he’s seen what Maria is capable of. The locks on the triplets’ doors are necessary for their safety, but having them has given Pepa an extra thing to worry about.
It’s not only the triplets’ doors that she worries about, but also Maria’s. After she had run away and gotten blackout drunk, her door and windows are locked at all times.
From the outside.
Maria is only allowed out of her room when she has permission. Agustín almost can’t believe that it’s gotten to this point; they’re basically having to lock their child up, but it’s for her own safety and the safety of others. No one can trust her not to run away again. She’s too much of a risk. She needs the surveillance.
So now Pepa has one more lock to worry about and check obsessively through the night.
As much as he tries to cuddle her and ease her mind in the hope that she’ll fall asleep for at least an hour, Pepa isn’t satisfied until she’s checked all the locks (including Maria’s) for herself.
On a bad night, this can happen up to twenty times an hour.
On the increasingly rare occasions that she does sleep, Agustín is woken up to Pepa screaming and sobbing from relentless nightmares. Her subconscious won’t leave her alone. It won’t let her rest. The longer it goes on, the worse everything gets.
More and more responsibility falls on Agustín when it comes to chores, childcare and caring for Pepa. Karina helps sometimes, but she has her own life. Agustín doesn’t want her to miss out. So he has no choice but to carry the burden alone.
His feelings haven’t gone unnoticed by Pepa; it makes her feel guilty and like a burden. She’s expressed to him several times how she doesn’t feel worth the effort, and that it’s her fault that he feels bad.
She says she’s ruined his life.
While it’s not her fault, this makes things even more stressful for him.
He can’t emotionally handle Pepa talking this way about herself. He can’t handle seeing her in such a dark place. It’s always been awful for him to see her like this, but now it’s even worse, because he knows that he doesn’t have the energy to give her the comfort she needs and deserves.
As much as the rest of the family tries to comfort Pepa, it’s only Agustín’s comfort that would make a difference.
They can’t get through to her like he can. They never could.
It isn’t her fault, but Pepa is too deep in her own anguish to see how much Agustín is really struggling. She can’t comfort him either, and he really needs it. Without it he feels like he is going to break.
He needs to be reassured and held and told that everything will be okay, but instead, he’s doing it for Pepa.
When he tries to comfort her, he knows it’s not enough. The mental capacity to comfort her as much as he normally would isn’t there. It feels hollow and hopeless, and his words of comfort come across as insincere.
It’s almost like his patience is running out, even though it’s not specifically
Pepa
that’s making him feel impatient.
Pepa isn’t stupid. She notices this. Then she mistakes his exhaustion for anger and feels even worse about herself.
And the cycle repeats over and over and nothing seems to be able to break it.
He loves Pepa so much, and he knows that she isn’t doing anything on purpose. He doesn’t want her to feel like she’s being selfish for having feelings, or being unable to cope.
The way he’s handling everything makes him feel heartless, although he really is trying his best.
He knows that if Pepa had the energy, she would comfort him. But right now she doesn’t, and if Agustín doesn’t force himself to run on empty, then where would they be?
It’s hard work being the strong one all the time. There's only so much stress he can handle, and he’s as trapped by Maria’s behaviour as his wife is.
Maria is only getting more intense as she gets older. When she was a toddler, it had been easier. And that’s saying a lot, because the toddler stage is like the first circle of hell. But it had been easier to restrain her, and she was less of a danger.
He shudders when he remembers the time she broke Pepa’s nose. She had been
two
then. Now she’s fourteen and her behaviour is out of control.
And of course, with Maria’s age came strength, and she’s had years to figure out which buttons to push. She knows how to get under everyone’s skin and cause as much pain as possible.
He worries about everyone in the house, but the triplets concern him the most. They’re children. They’re not Karina’s age, and they can’t defend themselves like she can. Not physically or verbally.
She still bullies Nicolás relentlessly, and every day she seems to find new ways to upset him.
And she’s starting to pick on the girls too. She’s constantly belittling Diana for her word blindness, telling her that she can’t read, that she’s worthless and she will never amount to anything. That she should just give up because she’s stupid and she will never get better at anything. She doesn’t deserve to live because she’s too stupid to be a proper member of society. While Diana handles herself better than Nicolás can, Maria’s cruel words still affect her. Agustín can tell. Diana is getting so much better with Félix’s help, and her confidence is growing. The last thing he wants is for Maria to destroy her confidence and undo all of the hard work.
Camila doesn’t escape either. Maria simply tells her that she’s a “mistake”. That no one loves her and wouldn’t notice if she disappeared. That’s not true of course, but Maria’s obviously picked up on her siblings’ insecurities and uses them to her full advantage.
While the girls seem to cope better than Nicolás, Agustín and Pepa keep a close eye on them, and invite them to talk about their worries and concerns. They don’t want them to suffer in silence, not how Nicolás had done for a while when he was six and first started school.
Agustín had hoped for years that with growing older and gaining more understanding of how her behaviour can affect people and herself, Maria would improve. Sadly, that’s not what happened. She’s worse. And now she’s drinking underage, she’s worse than anyone could ever imagine.
Maria doesn’t care but anyone but herself. Her actions when she ran away to that party proved that. She wanted to go, so she went. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t safe, she didn’t care.
And the morning after with the nails had been utterly terrifying, as had her attack on Pepa which led to Maria having to be sedated. What could have happened if she hadn’t been is something that Agustín can hardly stand to think about.
Maria hasn’t had an outburst that aggressive since that morning, but the family are still frightened of her. They don’t know when she’s going to snap again, and the atmosphere is always tense. Agustín feels a tightness in his chest almost all the time. That’s how anxious he is.
And when Maria is questioned on the attack against her mother, she looks confused and frustrated. Sometimes she screams at them for wasting her time with those questions.
Anyone who knows Maria knows that she will own the bad things she’s done like a badge of honour. She’s proud of them, and she never denies anything. So when she claims that she doesn’t remember her attack on Pepa, it’s obvious that she’s telling the truth. Maria isn’t the type to lie to get herself out of trouble.
Whenever she’s asked, she’ll simply say:
“I don’t know why you keep asking me. It’s stupid. I’m not lying or hiding anything. I actually don’t remember.”
Perhaps it was the lasting effects of the alcohol from the night before, or the sedatives, but Maria genuinely can’t remember. She had been in such a rage that she’d been blackout. Whenever they ask her if she remembers something (never telling her what), she simply asks if they’re insane and stupid. She gets frustrated about being asked the same thing all the time and just screams about how mad she had been to be carried home. All she remembers is trying to fight them at the party, but nothing afterwards.
It was terrifying. Agustín doesn’t condone Maria’s violence at all, and he really hopes that the outburst and the memory loss was caused by the alcohol and wouldn’t repeat now that Maria is locked in her room most of the time without access to alcohol.
He just hopes that Maria won’t find another way to get alcohol. She’s proven herself capable of it.
All of these thoughts race through Agustín‘s brain constantly: the fear, the confusion, and the rage. He loves Maria, but he’s so
angry
with her. In a way, he also feels loss. He feels like he’s lost his daughter. He’s lost the person that he imagined her becoming; kind, compassionate and loving.
Maria is none of those things, and the likelihood of her ever becoming like that is getting less and less every day. Maria has been difficult since she was two years old. He misses the
old
Maria. The baby Maria, who would smile and laugh and loved her cuddles.
She’s nothing like that now. His baby has been replaced with a spiteful, aggressive and cruel human being.
Everyone is suffering, including himself, and he doesn’t know what to do.
And with Pepa unable to do anything much, the chores and the majority of the childcare has fallen on his shoulders. He’s exhausted, stressed and it’s too much. He just wants things to be
better,
but he doesn’t know how to make them better, and he wouldn’t have the energy to do so even if he did.
All he knows right now is that he wants to get out of the house. He doesn’t care that the weather is dark and miserable outside, he just needs some space from the tense atmosphere. He needs space from worrying about Pepa, who at the moment is still in bed with a migraine. She hasn’t eaten since yesterday, so that’s concerning him too.
He just wants her to get better so he can spend less energy worrying about her, as selfish as that probably sounds.
And currently, she doesn’t seem to want him around her. She wants to lay in the dark and be alone, essentially. As much as he hates to admit it, this suits him just fine at the moment. They both need some space and time to themselves. They haven’t argued, but things are tense between them.
Things are stressful for them both.
And it feels horribly like Pepa has finally reached the end of her limits of how much she can cope with, and that she’s giving up.
That terrifies Agustín. He
needs
his wife. He can’t handle this on his own.
He grabs an umbrella and makes his way into town; while he feels some relief in getting away from the atmosphere at home, his worries still follow him wherever he goes.
He listens to the heavy rain hit the top of the umbrella as he walks. At least he knows that town will be quiet; it’s raining hard, after all. And it’s foggy.
They’re running low on groceries, and he’s hoping to get some ingredients to bake Pepa a cake later on. She enjoys his baking, and hopefully cake will tempt her to eat.
That and baking will be a good distraction for him. Drawing and tailoring aren’t cutting it at the moment. Those skills require more accuracy than he has the motivation for right now.
The cake will also be a peace offering in a way; while he and Pepa haven’t argued, it’s clear that things are really tense. Pepa can sense Agustín’s frustration and thinks it’s directed at her, and that makes her feel rejected. Hopefully baking her a cake will prove to her that he isn’t mad at
her,
but more mad at the circumstances.
He wants her to feel better, even for a few minutes.
While nothing will ever beat his mamá’s lemon cake (and he isn’t going to even try. He knows there’s no way he’ll be able to recreate it and have it be the same. Pepa will refuse to touch it because “that’s not real lemon cake. Only your mamá makes real lemon cake”), Pepa also likes banana cake. Agustín’s banana cake in particular.
As predicted, town is near enough empty. There are a few stalls selling essentials such as food, but non essentials such as books and toys aren’t here today. Wise decision, honestly.
And less people means that there will be fewer complaints about the weather.
Since the weather has been poor for a long time, the complaints would be even more intense. People will complain about how they can barely leave the house and how they wish Pepa would just “snap out of it” (although their situation with Maria is common knowledge, so some people
do
have the decency to keep quiet. Not everyone though) and Agustín isn’t in the mood to deal with that today.
As he looks over the selection of bananas, he hears a familiar voice behind him.
“I didn’t expect to see you here today.”
That’s the voice of his dear friend Alejandro. Agustín turns and manages a tiny smile; a very forced one at that.
“Needed some ingredients to make Pepa a cake.” He tries to chuckle, but it sounds strained. “How about you?”
“No cakes for us, but we’re running out of cheese. The kids ate almost all of it today” Alejandro gives him a kind, almost pitying smile. “I’m guessing that Pepa isn’t feeling any better?”
That’s pretty obvious, given the wet and cold weather.
“Not really, but I’m hoping that cake will help.”
“And how are
you
feeling?”
The question catches Agustín off guard, and he doesn’t know why. It’s not like no one’s been asking him that for days, but Alejandro asking feels different.
It makes him realise that he needs someone to talk to. Someone outside of the family, and someone not directly involved with Maria and all of her problems.
Something comes over him before he can answer. Without warning, he starts sobbing. He breaks down right there in the rain, his fear and worry boiling over.
Alejandro looks a little stunned at first, but quickly recovers as he places a hand on his friend’s shoulder.
Agustín doesn’t often cry. Not in public anyway. But right now the floodgates are open and he can’t stop.
This is too much. He can’t cope. He’s failed as a husband and a father and everyone is suffering.
It takes several minutes for him to calm down, but Alejandro stays right there with his hand on his friend’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” Agustín eventually says.
“For what?” Alejandro raises an eyebrow. “Feeling? There’s no need to be sorry. You’re going through a lot. I can’t even imagine how hard it is.”
“It’s
so
hard.” Agustín sniffs.
“Are you in a hurry to get home?” Alejandro asks.
No, truth be known. He doesn’t want to go home. Not yet, anyway.
“I didn’t say I’d be home at a certain time, no.”
“How about we go to the pub out of the rain and we can talk?”
“Are you sure?”
Agustín knows that Alejandro has a family of his own to get home to, but Alejandro assures him that he isn’t in a rush. Victor was due for his afternoon nap anyway, and Sebastìan was going to go over to a friend’s after school, and Veronica was always playing peacefully.
So Agustín takes him up on his offer.
The pub is almost empty, just as it is outside, but it’s warm and dry and it’s so
nice
to sit down with his friend and a glass of wine. God knows he needs it right now.
And once Agustín starts talking, it’s hard to stop. It’s so relieving to tell someone else how he feels. Someone who isn’t family. Someone who has a different perspective as an outsider.
So he talks and talks, hardly pausing to take a breath.
“Maria is just so difficult right now. I mean she’s been difficult since she was two, but we’ve never been able to control her. She’s so different from our other kids. They’ve all had their moments at one point or another, but nothing like that. We could always discipline them and explain why their behaviour was wrong, and they rarely made the same mistake twice. They’d be remorseful and give a genuine apology when it was needed. Maria doesn’t do that. In her mind, everyone else is at fault and her behaviour isn’t wrong. When she wants something and we tell her no, she will do whatever it takes to get it, even if it means endangering herself and others. Like a couple of months ago when we told her she couldn’t go to the party that Karina and Valeria were going to because she’s underage. She threw a fit, but we expected that. She ran away and went to the party anyway and drank so much that she literally urinated and vomited all over herself. She could have been taken advantage of, gotten alcohol poisoning or even
died,
and it didn’t even seem to phase her. Pepa and I sat up all night with her and when she woke up she was angry, then later on came to us with coffee and an apology, but she’d put fucking
nails
in it. Pepa almost choked and she cut all of her throat and the inside of her mouth. If that wasn’t bad enough, Maria flew into such a rage that she had to be sedated. She was trying to
kill
her own mother. When we ask her about it, she says she doesn’t remember and I know she genuinely doesn’t. Maria owns everything she does with pride, no matter how vile it is. That’s how I know she’s telling the truth.”
He takes a deep breath and a sip of his wine before continuing.
“We’re all scared of her. What family should be scared of a fourteen year old girl? But we are, and now there’s alcohol in the equation, we’re even more terrified. And Pepa… she’s… not coping. At all. Maria’s behaviour has always upset her, but I could rely on her to stand with me and help me parent her. But now she’s physically sick from it all. She has constant headaches, she vomits several times a day and she’s not eating. And don’t even get me started on the insomnia. And she’s become obsessive about things. She always has to check the doors are locked at night, but checking once doesn’t satisfy her. She checks over and over, and second guesses herself. It’s like she can’t trust herself to lock the doors properly. She
can’t
stop herself from checking them. And she’s scared to drink anything except water without checking it first in case Maria has somehow slipped nails into it. And I know she can’t help it, and she isn’t doing this on purpose. She’s anxious and sick and probably traumatised to be honest. But I can’t comfort her. Not properly. And I feel like a terrible husband for that because I have comforted her through everything. But I feel so drained from everything else that caring for her is too much for me to do on my own. I’m so scared that she’s given up and this is how it’s going to be forever. I’m tired and I feel like a horrible person for saying this, but who comforts
me?
I know Pepa would if she could, but I still feel like I don’t matter. It’s like she gets to give up and I don’t get to. It’s not
fair
. I love her so much and I can’t stand to see her hurting, but I can’t take this anymore. I need her support and I’m not getting it. Does that make me a bad person?”
Alejandro shakes his head.
“You’re not a bad person, just an honest one. Maria is a lot to handle, and it’s even worse when Pepa is sick. You can’t be everything, especially when you’re barely keeping your head above water yourself. It’s not Pepa’s fault that she’s struggling, but that doesn’t make your struggles any easier to cope with.”
“It’s not her fault.” Agustín sighs. “And in a way that makes it worse. Sometimes I just want to shake her and beg her to do something, because I can’t do anything. I feel so alone. But I know she physically
can’t
do anything. I’m so scared I’m going to snap and say something I don’t mean and upset her. She’s upset enough by everything already, but sometimes I just have to get away because I look at her and I
know
she isn’t getting the best version of me. Maria is making life hell for everyone in the house, and it’s supposed to be our job to parent her. But she’s impossible to parent and we feel like we’ve failed. We can’t control her when she’s in the house, let alone when she’s at school and bullying other kids.”
“You haven’t failed. You’re doing the best you can. There’s nothing wrong with needing a break.” Alejandro hums in thought. “I can ask Valentina if she has any ideas.”
Valentina is Alejandro’s sister, who also used to be Pepa’s mortal enemy. Valentina is one of the people who made Pepa’s childhood hell, and continued to do so well into adulthood.
Until Maria began bullying Valentina’s son, Joaquin. Since then, Valentina has at least been civil towards Pepa and Agustín; they’ll never be anything close to friends, but Valentina has gained respect for Pepa, especially when she’s doing her best to get Maria to stop tormenting Joaquin. It’s been like a wakeup call for Valentina, seeing her son go through the kind of bullying that she’d put Pepa through. Albeit, Valentina wasn’t nearly as bad as Maria is, but she’s seen the damage bullying can do and feels some remorse for doing that to someone else.
The remorse had been too little too late, and Pepa can’t forgive and forget. Not when she’d been irreparably damaged. Agustín can’t blame her for that because neither can he. He’d had to witness the cruel torments for himself and it had been awful. But still, they’re willing to work with Valentina for the sake of Joaquin, who is an innocent party in all of this. It’s not his fault his mother is Valentina, and he really is a nice kid. His little brother Mateo was as well.
Valentina simply stays out of Pepa’s way these days unless they need to talk about the kids. It’s a situation that suits them all that fine.
“Do you think so?” Agustín asks.
“No harm in asking. She did spend decades being close with Helena, after all. Perhaps she can suggest something that we’ve missed.”
Yes, unlike Valentina, Helena is a lost cause with no redeeming qualities. She’s still as foul as ever.
For years, Valentina and Alejandro barely spoke. Their childhood had been tough; their father had died when Alejandro was five and Valentina almost four. Their mother, Beatriz, was an alcoholic and abused her children. They didn’t have a loving childhood at all, and it’s easy to see where Valentina got her anger and bullying ways from. It’s not an excuse for her behaviour, but it’s an explanation. By the time Beatriz died when her children were twenty and almost nineteen, a lot of damage had been done. Alejandro couldn’t stand to be around his sister and her behaviour, so for a long time they barely spoke. They’re not the best of friends even now, but they’re on birthday and Christmas card terms. That’s an improvement at least.
And at least Valentina is trying to work through her issues, and can see that her past behaviour has been unacceptable and she’s doing what she can to improve and become a better person. Perhaps Valentina can see a lot of her past self in Maria; the anger, the spite and the instability. Agustín can’t imagine she likes what she sees. She doesn’t want her son to go through what she put others through. Most parents want better for their children than they had. Valentina is a lot of things, but she really does care for her children.
“And you’re sure she won’t mind talking to me?” Agustín asks again.
“No, I think she’ll want to help. Joaquin is directly affected by Maria’s bad behaviour, and therefore that has an affect on my sister. I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to talk with you and try to find a solution. She probably wouldn’t even mind you bringing Pepa if you need to.”
Agustín nods. While the anxiety is still in his chest, he feels a tiny bit lighter. Perhaps Valentina will be able to shed some light on things and give him and Pepa some new ideas.
“If I can even get Pepa out of the house.” Agustín sighs. “We just both really need a break. We need an enjoyable time together to recharge and see where we go next.”
“You could always take her away for a couple of days. A romantic getaway just the two of you?” Alejandro shrugs.
That
does
sound good right now, but he still feels tense. It would mean having to rely on the rest of the family to babysit, which might be hard for them with Maria the way she is, but it’s also convincing Pepa to go.
“I’m not sure. I think I’d feel bad abandoning my responsibilities and leaving the family to handle Maria. And Pepa might not even want to go.”
“You’re not running away from anything. You’re going to be no good to anyone if you fall over exhausted. I’m sure the rest of the family can manage for two days. They'll want to help because you’re a family. You and Pepa need time to reconnect and recharge. You’ll come back stronger and ready to face the challenge that Maria presents with a whole new mindset.”
Agustín hums. It really is tempting. And Alejandro does have a point; he’s close to collapse, and Pepa is already at that point. If he breaks too, then what?
He shouldn’t feel guilty for needing some space and neither should Pepa. They need it for their marriage, and also to be the parents that their children deserve.
Plus, he’s been trying to convince Pepa to go camping for years. Maybe now is the right time.
“I think you might be onto something. I’ll ask Pepa.”
“Good.” Alejandro chuckles. “I’m sure you’ll both love it.”
“I don’t think Pepa will.” Agustín laughs a little. “Not when I tell her I want to take her
camping.
”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Sometimes, Agustín can forget just how stubborn Pepa can be.
As he expected, camping hadn’t really been the getaway she’d been expecting. He’s been trying to get her to camp with him for years, and she’s always refused. And up until now, he’s always given in.
However, not this time. Not because he wants to be stubborn or have an argument with his wife, but sometimes she needs a gentle push to try new things.
He’s always loved camping, and he wants Pepa to love it too. There’s something about it that soothes him; breathing in the fresh air as he sleeps under the stars. A campfire, the sounds of the nightlife coming out to play.
Pepa is missing out on an opportunity and he’s determined to ensure that doesn’t continue. If she really doesn’t like it, that’s fine, but at least she can say that she’s tried.
It had taken a great deal of persuasion, but he stood firm. Pepa eventually agreed, on the condition that they can camp close enough to the currently empty honeymoon cottage, so if she hates it they have the option of going inside.
Fair enough. If that’s the only way he’ll get her to agree.
And as much as she keeps complaining, the weather and Pepa’s general health have improved since he approached her with the getaway idea. She’s clearly looking forward to a break, even if that break entails sleeping on the ground and dealing with insects.
And now the day of their getaway has arrived, and they’re walking hand in hand towards the lake, the weather is pleasant. The sun is out, and there are a few white, fluffy clouds in the sky, and a soft breeze. It’s not too warm, which is a godsend because Agustín doesn’t do well in extreme heat.
Neither does Pepa. They both burn and end up looking like tomatoes. So do the rest of their children.
The villagers they pass on the way seem to be pleased with the change of weather also. There are a lot of people out and about and chatting. A few people say hello to the couple as they pass, and tell them they hope the camping trip is fun.
It’s pretty obvious where they’re going by the sheer amount of
stuff
they’re carrying.
God, they have a lot of stuff. And Agustín is carrying the majority of it; (as Pepa says, he’s stronger than her, so it’s his job) they have the tent, a bag of essentials such as some food and spare clothes, some soap and their toothbrushes, and Pepa insists that she bring almost her entire blanket collection. She sleeps with a lot of blankets (yet a lot of the time, Agustín still wakes up cold during the night), and she loves to wrap herself up and be cozy.
Still, since they’re sleeping outside and on the ground, a lot of blankets is probably a necessity. There’s a chance of it becoming chilly at night, and extra blankets also means extra comfort and layers for them to lay on.
That is if Pepa manages to spend the entire night in the tent. If she ends up going inside, Agustín will join her. Neither of them enjoy being apart when they sleep. They’re way too clingy, cuddly and used to having each other there for that.
Agustín really hopes that Pepa will stick it out and even
enjoy
it. Mostly to prove her wrong, but also so they can go camping a lot more in the future. Perhaps they can even bring the triplets along.
Camila and Diana would love it, though he’s not so sure about Nicolás. He’d miss his guinea pigs too much, and it wouldn’t be safe for them out in the open. Too many predators, and the guinea pigs are way too loud.
It’s absolutely Diana’s sort of thing though. If no one else on his side of the family likes to camp, maybe he’ll bring Diana for some father-daughter time.
At last, they reach the lake, and Pepa’s hand slips out of his as she runs ahead to find a good spot.
He chuckles as he watches her. So far so good, she’s excited. She’s looking around and tapping the ground with her feet. It vaguely reminds him of one of the cats after they use the litter box.
After walking around for a while, Pepa settles on a spot that overlooks the lake. It’s a few feet away from the honeymoon cottage.
“Here is good.” She says. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be going inside by midnight, and we need an actual toilet to pee in. I don’t go in the bushes unless I’m drunk. And I haven’t even done that since we were in our early twenties.”
“You might not even want to go inside. No need to be so pessimistic already. We only just got here.” Agustín laughs. “But good point about the bathroom situation. Although when I go camping with Félix and the others, we do our business outside. We camp way further out than this.”
Pepa looks almost horrified. It’s adorable.
“How do you shit?”
Agustín bursts out laughing.
“We don’t all shit eight times a day like you.”
Pepa needs to stop eating so much dairy. Her stomach can’t handle it.
“But you’d still have to go
somewhere
. Everyone needs to shit sometime.” Pepa says.
True. But as thrilling as this conversation is, Agustín doesn’t want to waste anymore time. He wants to build this tent before it gets dark.
“Are we talking about shit or putting up the tent? I want to start before you change your mind about where you want it.”
“I won’t change my mind. This is the spot I’ve chosen and it’s final.”
Even so, he wants to build this tent as quickly as possible. He knows Pepa. Her mind changes like the wind, as much as she insists otherwise.
And once he’s built the tent, he is
not
moving it.
Of course, a task such as this isn’t going to be simple. Not with Pepa. He’s built many tents in his time, but not with someone with such a bad attention span as his wife. Usually he’s with Félix, Sebastían or someone else from his friend group. They actually know what they’re doing and can stay focussed.
With Pepa, it ends up being a very frustrating experience, especially when Pepa keeps insisting he’s doing it wrong.
Which is interesting, since she’s never built a tent in her life, and he has. He’s doing all the work, while she’s bossing him around.
“Who has had the most experience building tents here?” Agustín sighs. “Here. You hold the structure. You need to hold it until I’ve secured everything or the entire thing will collapse.”
“Okay.”
The key is to give Pepa an easy job. But easy jobs are boring, and soon Pepa becomes distracted.
He can tell by the way she seems unable to stay still. Pepa always has to be moving a part of her body, even subtly, to stay focussed.
The fact that he’s trying to work with a moving structure is making things take longer. His hands ache.
As Agustín is almost finished, then he yelps as all of his hard work falls on top of him.
It takes him completely by surprise as he’s in sudden darkness, trapped underneath the tent fabric. He grunts at the sudden force of it, even if it doesn’t hurt. It was completely unexpected.
Pepa has clearly gone.
“Pepa! What are you doing!?” He yells.
“There’s something in the water! Come and see!”
Of course. Of course she’s walked away.
“I can’t see! I’m under the tent, the tent that
you
are supposed to be holding for me!”
“I got bored!”
Agustín grumbles under his breath. He should have expected this really. Still, at least Pepa is adorable and he can’t help but laugh. Especially when he asks her what she’s seen in the water and she’s immediately forgotten.
Attention span of a flea, that one.
Also, it’s really hard to be angry with her when she seems to have gotten some of her spark back.
He would take this over a silent, drained, unable to move Pepa. No question.
As frustrating as this can be at times.
But he’d rather see her happy and healthy. He’s missed this part of her.
After a second attempt, and way more time than it would normally take, the tent is ready and Pepa has happily made a nest for them out of pillows and blankets. It looks really cozy in there.
Bringing all those blankets definitely wasn’t a mistake, and they’ve even taken some spare pillows from the honeymoon cottage. They’ll be nice and warm tonight sleeping under the stars.
He can just imagine it now, cuddled up to his wife, breathing in the fresh air and listening to the crickets chirping in the night. He’s always liked that sound.
Pepa finishes arranging the last pillow, and then she frowns and a cloud appears over her head.
It’s like she’s remembered something unpleasant.
“What’s wrong?” Agustín asks her.
“I feel sick again.”
She’s been feeling sick for days, of course. It’s the stress, and the stress won’t magically disappear even though they’re out having a good time. It will come and go in waves, mostly when their minds aren’t occupied. One minute, they could be having fun, and the next, they’ll remember why they wanted to escape the house in the first place. Thoughts of home and Maria will force their way in when they least expect it. It’s only natural.
While he feels sympathy for her, the solution is not to dwell on it and distract her into something else.
The more attention he gives to the negatives, the more she’ll dwell on them and the worse she’ll feel. And he knows that her nausea is directly related to stress.
“How about we go swimming?” He suggests, after giving her a quick hug.
Pepa nods, the cloud disappearing as she strips down to her underwear. She’s keen on the idea. Within minutes, she seems to have recovered and is excited to swim. Swimming is a favourite activity of hers, and it helps her burn a lot of energy.
Whenever they go to the lake, they always swim. They’d been swimming on their first proper date, and he has fond memories of it. He likes to swim too, but he always gets cold after a while and has enough.
Not Pepa though. She’ll splash around for hours and hours, often forgetting to eat because she’s having so much fun.
And while Agustín does swim with her for a bit, once he gets cold, he gets out and watches her. As usual, she’s showing off how far and fast she can swim in a childlike fashion. Her anxiety is forgotten as she splashes around in the lake.
The weather becoming warmer truly symbolises her calm mood.
Agustín wants to make sure that Pepa has as much fun as possible. He wants to occupy every minute of the day so neither of them think about Maria and her bad behavior.
Although Pepa mentions feeling sick once or twice more throughout the day, it’s easy to distract her and the entire day is filled with their favorite activities.
Swimming, reading, even tree climbing (although that one hadn’t been planned. Pepa had randomly decided she wanted to climb, and then got stuck and had to be rescued). Agustín got to fish for an hour while Pepa sat in the tent and read.
For dinner, they borrow the kitchen in the honeymoon cottage to make ropa vieja. Well, Agustín cooks it, since Pepa’s cooking skills are still very lacking. The fresh air and the change of scenery appears to have given Pepa her appetite back, which is a huge relief for Agustín. Pepa normally loves her food and has a large appetite, so it’s unnerving to him when she loses interest in eating. Even more so when she visibly loses weight because of it, as she has been doing.
Agustín makes a mental note to prepare all of Pepa’s favourite food over the weekend, and while she takes a bath after dinner, he prepares some polvorosas.
Simple and quick to make, and they’re one of Pepa’s favourites.
Pepa sniffs the air as she comes out of the bathroom.
“Polvorosas!” She flaps her hands, a rainbow appearing over her head. “They smell so good!”
“I thought you’d like that.” He chuckles. “Think you have room after all that ropa vieja?”
“I
always
have room for polvorosas!”
She’s not wrong about that, and he actually has to limit her. He wants them to have some leftovers for tomorrow. She’s already eaten way more ropa vieja and polvorosas than he thought possible. Especially with how filling it is.
After cleaning the kitchen and taking his own bath, it’s time to go outside to the tent. He’s exhausted, and Pepa looks like she feels the same.
But when they enter the tent and close it behind them, Pepa begins to look anxious again.
“What is it?” Agustín asks her.
“Do we
have
to sleep outside?” Pepa whines. “The ground is hard, even with all these blankets down.”
“How about we try for an hour and see how you feel? We can go inside if you really want to, but I know you’ll regret it if you don’t at least try first.”
“You’re right.” Pepa sighs. “I hate it when you’re right. But okay, I’ll try. I’m not promising anything though.”
Agustín lays down under the blankets and Pepa snuggles up to him. They’re silent for a while, breathing in the fresh, cool, night air.
Agustín knows that they have to have a conversation, and they can’t ignore the elephant in the room for the entire weekend. Although this break is for them to escape everything, they still need to talk about next steps.
He doesn’t want this hanging over their heads all weekend.
It’s been really hard on both of them, and he wants to express how everything made him feel. How Pepa’s lack of energy and physical symptoms had worried him. Although she’s been better since being here with him, he doesn’t want to let it go without it being discussed, either. He truly had felt like he hadn’t mattered during those dark days, and he doesn’t want the feelings to stay unresolved and for resentment to build in his heart. He doesn’t want that at all.
He knows Pepa, and his words may really hurt her. But he really hopes that she’ll understand.
“Your heart is beating really fast.” Pepa breaks the silence; her head is on his chest, and she must have heard the subtle change in his cardiac rhythm as the anxious thoughts filled his brain.
“I think we need to talk about how we’ve been feeling.” He says, honestly. “And I think we should do it now, so we can enjoy the rest of the weekend.”
Pepa props herself onto one elbow, worry in her eyes as she shows him he has her attention.
“Go on.”
He takes a deep breath.
“I want you to know that you’re not to blame. Maria is so difficult, and I know there’s only so much stress you can take. It’s not your fault you got sick and you couldn’t handle it. That’s why I wanted to bring you camping, to get us both away for a bit. And I saw you having fun today, and it made me so happy because I had you back again. It’s just when you were in bed, feeling sick all the time and you weren’t able to do anything, I felt like you’d given up. I felt like you didn’t have the energy to help me anymore, and I was struggling to manage it all on my own and I reached a breaking point myself. I was physically unable to do everything, and I wanted to comfort you so badly, but I knew it wasn’t enough because I had nothing left to give. I needed you, and you couldn’t comfort me either. I felt so lost, like I was on my own. It was almost like you didn’t care. I know you didn’t have the energy to care, but I really can’t handle parenting Maria on my own. I’m so afraid that you’ll really just give up one day, and I won’t know what to do then. I’m worried about telling you this, but I want to feel seen. I don’t want to brush this under the rug because it won’t solve anything.”
He finishes speaking, and he’s filled with dread as he waits for Pepa’s reply. He’s afraid of her reaction; that she’ll get defensive, angry and cry. Then he’ll just feel guilty and wish he’d never said anything at all, even if he really needed to.
It’s hard to read Pepa at times, so it’s really hard to predict what her reaction will be. It could be anything and he’s afraid that he’s said the wrong thing.
Pepa gives him a soft expression, and reaches up to stroke his face. He feels instant comfort at her touch. More at ease.
“I don’t want you to worry, okay?” She tells him. “I’m not angry or upset. I’m glad you told me. Honestly, I don’t blame you for feeling that way at all. Maria is the hardest work to parent, you’re right. You’re also right in the fact that I reached a breaking point. I was scared, exhausted and that took a toll on my body. It made getting out of bed so hard, and I felt guilty because I knew all of the responsibility was falling on you. I knew I should be doing something, but I physically couldn’t. And I know you were trying to comfort me, and I felt bad that I couldn’t comfort you back. I felt like such a bad wife and mother, and I know it looked like I had given up. I’m not going to blame you for thinking that, because that’s exactly how it looked. But being here with you, away from it all and a chance to clear my head is really helping. I’m really happy you asked me to come here. And I want you to know how sorry I am that you’ve been suffering and you’ve felt so lonely. And I promise you don’t have to worry. I haven’t given up and I have no intentions of doing so. I was struggling really badly, but I haven’t given up.”
Agustín wipes tears from his eyes and kisses Pepa’s head.
“I just don’t want our marriage to suffer because of this. I love you so much, but I’m so lost on what to do with Maria. I don’t have any answers.”
“Neither do I, to tell you the truth. But we will find them together. I love you so much too, and nothing will ever change that. There’s no shame in us needing this break and time away, and after a rest I’m sure we’ll be energised enough to take everything on again. And remember, this break is as much for you as it is for me. So let me do some things for you too, okay? Let me spoil you a bit.”
Agustín laughs, softly.
“Okay, but no cooking.”
Pepa smiles.
“Deal.”
She lays her head back down, and Agustín runs his fingers through her hair. The talk went as well as it possibly could, and he’s so pleased that Pepa has taken it as well as she has.
They’re both completely relaxed in one another’s arms, and now they can enjoy the rest of the trip now that the difficult conversation is out of the way. They don’t have to worry about that part of things anymore.
“I love you.” He tells her.
“Love you too.” Her words are slurred, and she’s completely limp on his chest. She’s so soft and cuddly.
“Are you warm enough?” He tucks the blankets around her some more. “Remember, we can go inside if you want to.”
Agustín doesn’t receive an answer.
Pepa is out cold on his chest. He smiles down at her and kisses her forehead. The fresh air and all of the swimming must have knocked her out.
He closes his eyes and tries to sleep. It takes him several minutes to realise that he can’t fall asleep. Even after the soothing sounds of Pepa’s snoring fills the tent, he can’t sleep.
And it’s because his back hurts. A lot.
He’s camped so many times in his life, but he doesn’t remember the ground being this hard, or his back hurting so much. It’s way harder than he remembers. And his body is stiff. He guesses it’s his age, and he just isn’t built for this anymore.
But he’s chosen the wrong time to find this out; he’s trapped underneath Pepa, who’s boney elbow stabs him in the stomach every time she moves.
The layers of blankets provide no comfort, and he’s in pain. He can barely move because he’s stuck, and the back pain gets worse and worse as the night draws on. As well as the pain in his neck because his pillows give him no support.
No, he’s not built for this anymore.
He’s not enjoying it. He hates it.
And Pepa, who was convinced she’d hate it, is apparently comfy and cozy while he’s here regretting everything.
Whose idea was this?
He curses at himself and his past ideas.
He doesn’t remember falling asleep that night, and he’s relieved when the sun finally comes up. His back is spasming and he wants to cry from the pain.
Finally, at around nine in the morning, Pepa stirs.
He manages a small smile, seeing her adorable sleepy face.
“How was it?” He asks her.
“I liked it.” She says in a sleepy voice, cuddling him once more. “Can we stay out here again tonight?”
No. Please no. His back won’t take it.
“We’ll see.” He chuckles.
Still, seeing how happy Pepa is over the weekend, swimming and having fun, makes the back pain worth it.
By the time the weekend ends, they feel ready to take on the world.
And Maria.
But Agustín isn’t in a hurry to sleep outside again.