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Nathaniel took a slow deep breath when he stepped on campus the first day of classes. It had only been a few months since spring semester ended, but Nathaniel had missed it dearly. He arrived early for lacrosse practice, as he had been lucky enough to receive an offer to try out. The coach was willing to overlook his academic probation if he kept his grades up and showed dedication to the team. It wasn’t a hard deal to make.
Being a sophomore had perks. He was able to request his dorm assignments and was now sharing a dorm with Max. It was nice, being able to spend more time with him. Sure, he was with him all the time for practice, for hanging out with Tasha and Celeste, but it was undeniably nice to come back to their dorm and wind down for the night.Sometimes, they watched movies together, Max ensconcing into bed beside Nathaniel. He was a warm weight beside him, somehow not making his skin crawl. Therapy had been helping him more than he could have expected. Max had always been an exception to his touch rule, but it wasn’t the same. Allowing Max to run fingers through his hair and hug him right wasn’t there same as allowing him to burrow under his covers and press against the line of his body.
The longer Nathaniel allowed it, the more comfortable they became. Max never pushed him, always asked permission before moving him. But they grew more intimate. They went from shoulders pressed together, to lying under the covers side by side, to Max on his side facing Nathaniel. Eventually, they reached the point they were at now. Nathaniel on his back with the lap propped on his lap, Max on his side next to Nathaniel, an arm under Nathaniel’s head like a bicep pillow and the other wrapped loosely around Nathaniel’s waist.
They had since passed the point of normal friendship, even the normal friendship they had before. This wasn’t the same, it was even different from how he felt for Tasha. He liked Tasha, thought Tasha was lovely, but he found that they didn’t seem right for one another. They talked all summer, talking more once they all arrived to campus for training, but that spark never…sparked. It was a smoldering ember that never lit into fire.
While discussing it, Celeste joked about the comment they made the spring before that they were queerplatonic soulmates. He couldn’t help but agree with them, the three of them were soulmates in some sense of the word no matter what.
The unexpected effect of this realization was that it didn’t cloud his gaze anymore. He had a crush on Max when they were younger, Nathaniel was pretty sure, but he was too preoccupied when he reappeared to recognize the flicker that sparked in his chest. He was sure he was obvious, his feelings an open book in front of Max, but he never said anything. Max had to be either incredibly dense or kind enough to pretend not to notice until Nathaniel was ready to tell him. The care and concern was as unwelcome as it was appreciated. He hated how much it helped.Fall of sophomore year was turning out to be the best semester of his life. He had lacrosse again, new friends, and he was engaging in therapy. Video calls with his family were going well and everything seemed to be looking up. He kept in touch with Mickey even after he had left and it was nice to have someone to talk to who understands how he feels.
***
By September, Nathaniel realized he needed to do something about his hair.
He liked the split dye, but he thought that he’d try something a bit different. He enlisted his friends help and they found themselves crammed into the small bathroom in his and Max’s dorm. Nathaniel sat in a small stool on the floor while Celeste and Max shared the counter. Tasha stood behind him.
Okay?” They asked, hands hovering above him. He nodded without hesitating. Touch was becoming more easy to handle, even welcomed with his friends. Tasha parted his hair with clips to keep the colors separate. They worked the bleach in gently to lighten his roots, their touch light and gentle. After everything was secure, they left the bathroom in a small procession to migrate out. Max threw himself across his bed, letting out a slight grunt when Tasha and Celeste climbed up after him, sitting backs to the wall with their legs draped over Max’s chest. Nathaniel didn’t want to risk the bleach getting on anyone or anything or Max’s, so he got into his own bed.
“You don’t have to stay over there,” Max said, frowning.
“I don’t want to get bleach on your bed,” Nathaniel explained. He had expected his friends to accept that, but he underestimated them.
“Nope.” Max said as she shifted to the edge of the bed, waiting for Tasha and Celeste to move. He stepped across the gap between their beds in one long stride. Nathaniel cursed him for his large size silently, bracing himself slightly to avoid knocking his head into the wall when Max hopped up beside him, shaking the bed.
“Now you’re not alone over here.” Max reached out and waited until Nathaniel dropped his hand into Max’s waiting palm, intertwining their fingers casually. Celeste and Tasha watched them, Celeste staring unimpressed back and Tasha smiled softly.
“Don’t got him,” Tasha teased. Max smiled back.
“We’ll trade when we put the dye in his hair,” Max offered, offering his other hand across the empty space.“Deal,” Tasha agreed and reached out for an air shake.
“You two are the biggest losers I’ve ever met,” Celeste complained, but she looked fond.
“They really are,” Nathaniel agreed.
After the timer went off for the dye to be done, Max and Nathaniel made their way into the bathroom. Nathaniel took up his usual seat, sitting on the counter to be close to the mirror. They had a small bowl of black dye to touch up the roots on the other side of him.
“Do you…want help?”
“Oh, uh,” Nathaniel hesitated.“It’s fine if you don’t!” Max was quick to add. “If it’s a no that’s fine”
“It’s a yes,”
Nathaniel sat up, the towel falling around his shoulders. His shirt was getting wet, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel uncomfortable.
“I like you,” Nathaniel blurted out.
“I like you too.”“I’m a mess. I’m doing better, but I’m still a mess.”“That’s okay, we can stay how we are if you want to. Nothing has to change.”
“I don’t want you to have to wait for me.”
“It isn’t waiting, it’s going at our own pace. This,” he held his hand close to Nathaniel’s hair, waiting for his nod before carding fingers lightly through his hair. “This would be enough.”
“Would you kiss me?”
“Yes”
Max let his hand slip from Nathaniel’s hair, cupping his jaw before he could feel the loss. He lifted Nathaniel’s head gently to meet his eyes. Sitting on the counter meant he had to look up to meet Max’s eyes, but it didn’t make him feel wrong. Small, but safe.
“Okay?” Max asked. Nathaniel nodded but Max held still. “I need you to say it.”
“Kiss me,” Nathaniel breathed and let out a small gasp when their lips met. It was soft, chaste, barely there. Nathaniel pressed closer but didn’t try to push things, remembering the disaster that was his kiss with Tasha. They kissed slowly and it felt like everything he’d been missing was slotting into place. Nathaniel placed his hands on Max’s waist and held tight. It was grounding to have his hands on Max, it kept him tethered in place. He couldn’t get lost when Max was within reach, when Max was touching him so carefully.
It felt like forever when Max pulled away. He rested their foreheads together and sighed contentedly.
“Okay?” He asked and Nathaniel was too breathless to answer. He nodded and Max stepped back.
“Let’s get your hair dry, the others will be annoyed if we take too long,” Max said and Nathaniel hummed his agreement. He made quick work of Nathaniel’s hair, brushing a fruity leave-in conditioner into it for extra hydration. He dried it efficiently, humming a soft tune the entire time.By the time they made it back, Tasha and Celeste were curled up together in bed waiting for them to return. They grinned up at him and it was enough. It was enough to be with his friends, and to maybe be something more with Max. Things were already different, looking up for the first time in his life. Things would be better.