Archive of Our Own

Work Text

You are Dave Strider. You have an average paying part-time job as a coffee barista at your local Starbucks but your main source of income is making music at late night gigs. Sometimes you DJ, sometimes you rap at jams. Your best friend is John Egbert who lives out of town studying at university. You also have a sister named Rose and thanks to her, right now you are scrolling through a self help blog on Tumblr.Through her telling you that the person running the blog had been more than helpful when she was dealing with some tough times, you decided to check out the blog with her persistence. That and the fact that she had tried to accuse you of being a close minded homophobe. The latter most certainly wasn’t true but even you couldn’t deny there were some things you could learn more about.You had already accepted that your sister was transgender. However, she was adamant there was more he needed to know about than just that.Ten minutes into scrolling through the blog had already got you curious about the creator behind it. They showed themself to be caring, considerate, patient, understanding, willing to listen, and actually gave some pretty good advice. Although it felt rather… Staged. Like they were portraying all of these positive personality traits to run the blog. Nobody was that compassionate towards others. Not all the time.After thinking over it briefly, it made sense that somebody would have to be so kind and caring to be a self help blog. It wouldn’t exactly work if all that they ever posted were things about their own problems. From your short exploration, every single post was about ways to take care of oneself or answering questions asking for their help. A few were messages of admiration and thanks after helping them through rough times. One of them being his sister. Still, you were certain there was more to this person. The fact that they had displayed that you lived in the same city only made you all the more curious to find out who they were. Perhaps a part of you wanted to know how this anonymous person on the internet had managed to help your sister when you couldn’t. Perhaps there were some things you yourself wanted to ask.At the very top of the page, there was a sidebar with a few tabs to separate links. FAQ. Asks. About me. Oh, Contact me. That was a curious link.You clicked it, allowing yourself the curiosity and saw a few different ways to contact this person. There wasn’t anything too personal, just an email and a skype name. Through these, you had deciphered that this person was called Karkat. You hadn’t heard anything like it before. It made you all the more intrigued. Was it their real name or a name they used on the internet?You pulled up your own Skype on half of the screen, copy and pasted the name provided on their Tumblr page, and sent the invitation for them to be connected on Skype. Only really after sending it did you start to think what you would even say to the person on the off chance that they accepted. It would be particularly rude straight off the bat to start accusing them of helping his sister. Yet saying a simple ‘hello’ felt too casual considering where he got the skype name from.Faster than your mind had to process, you received the notification that the person had accepted your request. That Karkat had accepted your request. You thought about how fast the reply had come through. Did they just have skype sitting there idly? Perhaps a lot of people chose to talk to them this way so their speed was due to the amount of requests for help they got.You were making a lot of smart observations today.Before initiating conversation, you clicked on the person’s name so you could find out what other information this person had listed that wasn’t on tumblr.Name: Karkat. That didn’t tell you anything more than you already knew. It could mean that Karkat was their real name or it was just consistency with their internet name.Age: 23. So they were actually only one year younger than yourself. Interesting.Gender: Not Specified.Gender not specified?? What was that supposed to mean? Were they trans too and didn’t want everyone to know about it? Or were they just elusive for their own protection? That didn’t seem very likely but you couldn’t understand otherwise why they would choose to hide their identity to this degree.The sound of the Skype notifier rung through your speakers and you pulled down the contact tab to see who had messaged you. It was Karkat.
Hello. How can I help you??
Oh.

Hey, I found your tumblr through my sister Rose??? She suggested I check you out.

It took you at least three times retyping that before you eventually sent back your reply.
Ah yes, Rose, she’s a really nice girl! Did she refer you to me for any reason??

Yeah, well, I’m not sure.. She said you helped her a lot, you know, because she’s trans. She told me there was probably more I could learn about from you?? :)

The responses were coming in quick now. Talking to this stranger felt as easy as talking to your best bro John.
Oh I see. Are you questioning your gender identity??

HA. No no no. Definitely a guy. Happy to be a guy.

Ok?? Do you have any mental health issues or something along those lines that you want to talk to somebody about??

Hmm no. Nothing like that.

Then what did she say to you for you to reach out to me like this??

She told me that I was a closed minded homophobe and I don’t know anything about the ‘LGBTQIA+’ community.

Are you a homophobe??

Nah, that’s uncool bro. And I would know. I am the definition of cool. Look it up in the dictionary and you will see my face.

A jokester I see. So what do you know about the LGBTQIA+ community??

Well, tbh, I was under the impression it was the LGBT community?? Like Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Trans?? Is there more to it or something??

Oh yes! Those are mostly umbrella terms but you can be Queer, Intersex, Asexual, Aromantic, Non-binary, Pansexual, Demi-sexual.. There are more but those are just a few off the top of my head.

Whoa whoa whoa. There were a lot of terms there that I didn’t understand. Ok, I got Asexual, I know what that means, means you don’t like getting jiggy with it.

Nice Will Smith reference, for lack of better words, I suppose so yes.

What the hell is Non-binary?? What does that mean??

It means your gender identity is somewhere outside of or in between the gender binary. It’s the umbrella term for Gender-fluid, Genderqueer, Demi-girl, Demi-boy. Again, there are more but those are the few terms I had to mind.

Ok, I’ve never heard of that. Like at all.

It’s how I identify, trust me, it’s real.
Oh. Looks like you need an education.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

You are Karkat Vantas. You run a self help blog on Tumblr and get your money from giving professional advice over the internet. You have a masters in psychology but failing to find a job in your town as a psychiatrist, you decided to take to the internet to start up there. You never expected it to become a job but the amount of people who sought for your help through tumblr kick started that for you.
You have been talking to a guy named Dave Strider for 3 months now. And he’s possibly the biggest dork you’ve ever met.
It started with him wanting to know more about the LGBTQIA+ community as his education on the subject was very lacking. After a short while, it became daily idle chit chat and actually talking to each other about yourselves. Dave had even told you about when Rose came out as transgender to him. You had already heard about Rose’s side but his side was much more detailed. How he thought that his family would disown Rose for being different. How he felt like a crummy brother when she couldn’t talk to him but she could talk to you.

He actually turned out to be an alright guy.

And he asked you out to the coffee place where he worked tonight.

You started up a skype call with one of your best friends Sollux. He wasn’t all that good at being comforting or knowing the right thing to say at the right time. With that in mind, he was a good listener. You could recall numerous times where he had let you rant about yourself when no-one else was there for you. You’d been friends for 13 years now so not too shockingly, he’d heard it all.

He answered the call after a few rings like he always did.

“Yo Vantas, what’s up??” The familiar sound of his god awful lisp was enough to make you smirk.

“I have a first name you know, ass muncher. It would be nice if you would use it time to time.” A well standing quality of your friendship was that you would insult each other until you could no longer think of anything to call each other.
“Yeah yeah, Vantas, I’m sure if you were just here to educate me on the etiquette of using your first name, you wouldn’t be calling me on Skype, dick breath.” Sollux scoffed.
“Brilliant deductive skills, Doctor fucking Watson.” You laughed back at him, resting into the comfort of your many pillowed bed. “Yeah, there is something I wanna vent to you actually.”

“What? Did Gamzee catch another STI?”

“Jesus Christ Sollux, just because he likes to sleep with multiple people, doesn’t mean he has any STIs. He’s fucking clean. I went to the clinic with him.”

“Ok ok, I was just joking.” The roll on his s’ always made you smile. “So what’s ailing you, young padawan??”

“Dude, I’m being straight up serious here. I do wanna vent to you.” Serious was about the last thing your face was showing right now. You looked like a smug child.
“Shoot then! You’re the one who keeps pointing out my bad jokes.”
“Ok. Fine. Ok.” You take a deep breath, look to the side a bit, thinking about how you would word your next sentence. “I think someone has asked me out on a date.”

“Holy fucking shit no way.” The sound of strained laughter almost made your stomach turn. “Like, an actual date date?? Like, you’re gunna watch a movie in a fucking parked car and make out to the sound of ‘Positively Lost Me’ in the background???” The laughing only got louder.

“Hey fuck you man, if you’re just gunna laugh at me, i’ll hang up.” You pouted. Sure, he was your best friend but was it really so far fetched?

“Ok Ok, I’m sorry, I’m not sorry, but i’m sorry.” There was the sound of a few last laughs before your best friend fell silent. “So why do you ‘think’ it’s a date?”

That was the million dollar question indeed. It hadn’t been officially named a date. Dave had asked you if you wanted to grab a coffee when he got out of work at 7, hinting at the idea of seeing one of his buddy’s gigs later on. One of Cronus’ gigs. There was no ‘Hey, wanna go on a date?’. Although, you were positive that between the exchange of ancient memes and shitty geek references, there had been some flirting on his end.

“I mean, it hasn’t actually been labelled a ‘date’ per say.. He’s asked me if I wanna grab a coffee with him tonight. But he’s been sending me rare pepes and winky faces. I think he’s trying to flirt with me too.”

“Wait wait, hold on, has he invited you to coffee at a coffee shop or coffee at his place??” Oh for fuck sake. “Because trust me when I tell you, if you go for coffee at his place, there won’t be any coffee.”

“Give me strength… Sol, I know what it means when a guy invites you to coffee at his place. Thank you for such a fucking precious mothers’ lecture.” You made light of it but you still felt a light flush over your ears.

“Hey man, don’t blame me for trying to look out for you.” He pulled this face he sometimes does when he’s actually showing genuine compassion for your wellbeing. His eyebrows furrow in worry but he tries to combo it with a fake smile. You could spot it a mile away. “So, he invited you to coffee. Anything else?”

“He suggested going to one of his friend’s gigs if we felt like it later. Cronus? Isn’t that your boyfriend’s brother??”

“Yeah and about the only gay guy I know who will still flirt with my girlfriend authentically. Like, is it still leading someone on if the person doing it is a guy?”

“Captor.”

“Ok ok, sorry. Coffee. Live music. Rare pepes. Could be a date.” That was about as useful to you as a chocolate fucking teapot. You already knew this. “Do you even know what this guy looks like? You’re not just meeting with a random creep from your tumblr on you?” He pulls that face again.

“They’re not random creeps, dick waffle, don’t be so fucking rude. And no, we’ve been talking for about 3 months now and we’ve video chatted a few times.” Of course, that didn’t mean a whole lot either. You had done plenty of video sessions with your clients prior to speaking to Dave. Then again, you didn’t talk about shitty rom coms with your clients either.

“So… Why don’t you just go and see how it goes?”

Like you hadn’t already thought of that.

“Because I don’t wanna get ready for a date if it’s not a date! Sol, you’re not being any help.” It felt a little harsh; he was probably trying his best to help you. At this point, you didn’t even know what you wanted to hear from him.

“Hey dude, the only dates I go on now a days are day trips to the zoo where I have to keep Eridan on a leash.”
“I know.. I know, I’m sorry Sol. Look, I have to get ready for this date-meet up thing. I’ll text you when i’m back to tell you how it was.” Even if it wasn’t a date, you still wanted a shower before you head out.
“Alright Vantas, don’t forget to shave, cum guzzler.”

“Eat smegma asshole!”
The call ended. You were left in silence, left with your own mind trying desperately to figure out what to expect from this ‘date’.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

POV Karkat.

_____________________________________________________________________

You arrived to the coffee shop a little more than five minutes early for your date-not date, choosing to stand outside so as not to make Dave aware that you had showed up early. Your best chances to get a good idea of what this meetup actually was was definitely to play it neutral. Don’t seem eager, don’t seem aloof, keep it casual. For anyone else, you would near enough arrive on time. Dave wasn’t going to be that exception.

At least not from his point of view.

You stood yourself outside of the Starbucks, to the side so he couldn’t see you, but you had seen him. He wasn’t wearing his usual fully opaque shades that you had seen him in before but he was wearing half tinted glasses. You wondered if they were prescription. Apart from the glasses, he looked like every other employee, wearing a Starbucks uniform and the kind of smile you always see in retail. Forced, having to pull it all the time to the point that at any minute, the person’s cheeks looked like they might split.

Check your phone. It’s now 6:59. That was a more acceptable time to be showing up to a date-not date. You pull yourself away from the bricked wall you had leant yourself against, making your way around the corner and into the front door of the coffee shop.

Almost instantaneously, Dave was aware of your presence, and he smiled at you genuinely alongside a quick wave in between serving someone their coffee. You held your hand up at him politely and perched yourself on a chair behind a table near the door. He seemed enthusiastic at least; it wasn’t exactly enough to help you decipher what this was to him. At the very least, it was nice that someone was so happy to see you. Maybe he thought you would change your mind and not show up.

Dave had now disappeared from sight, probably to go behind the back to get his own things before meeting you. It was only when you lost sight of him escaping to the back room that you started to feel your nerves riddle through your stomach. Surely there was nothing to be so giddy about. That didn’t stop your innards from feeling like a circus act was performing inside you.

You heard the sound of door creak open and looking upwards awarded you Dave, now equip with fully opaque lensed glasses. They were still indoors for christ’s sake; the irony made you cringe internally. Nevertheless, there was no protest that Dave was a handsome man. You had known that coming to meet him. The way he styled his undercut just seemed to frame his slightly squared jaw well. That plus the fact he was fit in stature. He was the type of guy you would go for.

Maybe that’s why you were so comfortable with the idea of this being a real date.

“Hey Karkat.” Dave’s voice rung through your ears, halting your busy mind from its confusion. “You look nice.”

It was true, you did look nice. You thought it best to at least give him the benefit of the doubt and actually dress nicely. You chose a cream turtle neck crop top with a graphic of the moon’s phases running across the chest, pairing it with possibly the cutest pastel pink shorts you had in your wardrobe. It was much nicer than the jogging bottoms and oversized shirt you were wearing when you spoke with Sollux.

“Thanks.” That was about as much as you could say back to him. “I’d say you look nice too but i’m sure that’s not the kind of thing you’d want to hear whilst wearing a Starbucks uniform.”

“That’s cold, I make this uniform look damn good. Straight up fine in this damn uniform.”

Resist the urge to laugh. He had just as bad a humour as how he came across through his skype messages.

“Nice ego, did you borrow it from Kayne West?” Ok, now you could laugh.

“Nah, dude, Kayne West is jealous his ego isn’t as big as mine.” He smiled at you warmly and you had to contain the flush threatening to spill across your cheeks. So he had a nice jawline and a nice smile. So what.

“Alright, Daddy Cool. Coffee. I seriously need it.” It was more of a distraction from his decent looks than the actual desire to have coffee. You could keep that yourself though.

“Right coffee, coming up. What are you having?”

“Wait, I can pay for myself, I have money.”

“Unacceptable. I’m paying. Besides, I get discount.” He smiled at you again, pretty much halting whatever retort that was about to come out of your mouth.

“Fine. Peppermint latte. But i’m paying for the next one.”

Dave had already begun to walk towards the queue of people behind the counter before he looked back at you briefly to flash you a shit eating grin, “So there’s a next time already Karkles??”

Your blush that had threatened to cross your face more times in the last 10 minutes than you could remember in most of your adult life finally escaped across your cheeks. You had only meant if you desired a second coffee after the first, seeing as how your coffee addiction was off the scale. Thinking about it twice, it could easily be taken as an invitation for a second date. No, not date. This wasn’t a date.. Was it?

“That’s not what I mean, ass whiff.” You hid your embarrassment through dry insults and a childish pout, determined not to show this guy that he had actually gotten to you. For god sake, could he not just tell you if it was a date or not already?

“Yeah yeah, Karkles, whatever you say. Thinking about the next time already, i’m almost flattered.” He turned himself towards the counter as it was soon coming up to the time that he would need to order.

What the fuck was the Karkles about?? Who said that he could equip you with a nickname so soon? It was obviously a play on your real name but for some reason, it grated at you to hear him say it. It also made the nerves in your stomach flutter.

Fuck this guy was confusing.

_____________________________________________________________________

POV Dave.

You had been out with Karkles for about an hour now, ending up in the nearby central park to drink your coffees as it was still nice outside. Most of your conversation had been insulting each other, making internet references that you both seemed to get, and maybe a bit of flirting too. Ok, a lot of flirting on your part. You couldn’t help yourself, the way they blushed when you did was enough to entertain you. It made the freckles on their cheeks and nose appear more prominent in a way you felt you shouldn’t notice after flirting with this person for the irony.

Sure, they were an attractive person, you wouldn’t deny it to yourself. You liked the fluffiness in their hair and the clothes they had chosen to wear. Even still, you didn’t know whether Karkles even saw this a date. So you would keep it in your own mind.

You had just finished coffee and were deciding on doing anything else. Initially, you had suggested going to one of your buddy’s gigs. Apparently, Cronus’ brother Eridan was dating Karkat’s best friend Sollux so they already knew of him. You had yourself laughing when they were describing him as the cringiest person they had ever had the displeasure of meeting. You didn’t exactly disagree with them.

“So what do you want to do then? If you don’t wanna go to his gig, did you have anything in mind, Karks?”

“For the love of god, please stop calling me that. And I don’t have anything in mind, I just don’t wanna endure the sight of Cronus attempting to flirt with every groupie that would give him the time of day either.”

“True. The last time I helped him with sound for one of his sets, he was flirting with this pink haired girl with blue tinted glasses. Isn’t he gay??”

“Feferi, yeah, she’s Sollux’s girlfriend. I’ve heard about that too. Sollux wasn’t best impressed.” Karkles pulled a face, obviously thinking about something. Perhaps they knew more about it because Sollux was their best friend.

Wait.

“Sollux’s girlfriend? I thought you said Sollux was dating Eridan?”

Karkat threw you a look like you were the dumbest dumb who ever dumbed.

“He’s dating them both. They are in a polyamorous relationship.”

“Oh right, I remember you mentioning that to me before. Monogamy.. Polyamory. Got it ok. So he has a boyfriend and a girlfriend and Cronus was flirting with his girlfriend??”

“Yeah.. I remember him telling me about it for the first time when it happened. He didn’t want to be jealous because they were open to new partners. But it just didn’t strike him right, he was really upset.. I sat with him for support when he spoke to Fef and Eri about it. Luckily, she was really understanding about it and told him that he didn’t have anything to worry about, that she didn’t wanna date Cronus and was just being friendly with him. It made Eridan feel better too.”

“Oh. So is that why you don’t exactly like the idea of Cronus then?”

“Mostly.. That and the fact he doesn’t respect my gender.”

He doesn’t respect their gender.

Truth be told, you yourself hadn’t quite got your head around the concept of being non-binary. You hadn’t grown up with the knowledge and had only learnt about it from Karkat themself when you both started talking. Even with all that in mind, you had still made sure to check yourself for misgendering and accepted that this was who Karkat was, there was nothing more for you to think about. For someone to know their gender and still not respect that.. That just felt like a dick move.

“Hey.. I’m sorry about that Karkat.”

They looked at you and scoffed. “What are you saying sorry for?”

“Because I’m a privileged cis white male and it’s shitty that Cronus is an ass about your gender.” You caught the small smile that tugged on Karkat’s lips before they started laughing a little louder. “Serious, dude, totally uncool.”

“Thanks, Strider.” They gave you another cute smile before looking back down at their empty coffee cup. You had caught that smile before they tried to hide it. They were genuinely happy. Something about that made you happy.

“Still, we really need to decide if we’re gunna do anything right now. Cronus is a no go, so where do we go from here? Do we split like bananas?”

“God you are the fucking worst.” They were fiddling with the lid of the coffee cup. Did they actually have something in mind but just didn’t wanna say it? Maybe they saw this as a date and was thinking about date things. You had been the one to invite them out but you left the invitation to interpretation in hopes that they would clarify.

Fuck, was this a date?

Then you had an idea.

“Hey, how about for now we split and just meet up some other time. I can give you my number if you want so we can hang whenever you want.” There. That was still very open for them to look at you how they wanted. It would give them time to think.

Karkles looked up at you with a smug look on their face. “Giving me your number already? Wow, Strider, i’m almost flattered.”

You had said that earlier. They were mocking you but you guessed you deserved that for doing the same.

“Only if you want it man. Opportunities there.”

They seemed to think about it for a moment before nodding, pulling out their phone. “Sure Strider.”

You smiled. You took out your phone and started to rattle off your number to them, waiting for them to text you so you could save their number. When you got their number in your contacts, you named them ‘Karkles’ and they promptly cursed you out for attaching the nickname to them. It was actually kind of cute.

“Alright, there, numbers saved. Do you want me to walk you home or will you be ok?” It was only right to at least ask.

“Nah, i’ll be ok, thanks.” They stood up slowly and you did the same. You didn’t know quite what you expected when you did so but it ended up being looking at each other in silence for a few seconds. Whether you both had some expectations that you didn’t want to act upon yet was unclear but Karkat was the one to break the silence between you.

“Well, I’ll text you or something.. Later.”

You nodded at them and smiled. “See you around Karkles.”

They held back their obvious distaste for the nickname with pouted lips and turned to walk away. You watched them walk for a moment, surprised when they turned back to you.

“Fuckass.”

And just like that, they were walking away faster than you could think of a retort. You snorted and chuckled to yourself under your breath. That was possibly the cutest thing you’d seen in a long time. You couldn’t take their insults seriously at all and when they were directed at you like, they just made you feel warm inside.

You didn’t know whether they saw it as a date yet but you were happy with the outcome of your first date with Karkles.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

POV Karkat.

_____________________________________________________________________

Clueless.

You were as confused as ever.

When you had got home, you had immediately starting talking to Sollux on Skype about what happened on your date-not date. You told him how you got coffee, sat at the park, and pretty much shit posted but in real life. He had told you that it sounded more like bros hanging out than an actual date. When you had told him about the constant flirting that went along with it, he just looked at you and shrugged. He was as confused as you when it came to trying to decide whether it could be a date or not.

You told him how he had given you his number. Sollux had to contain a snorting laugh when you told him. He’d joked that you managed to get the guy’s number on the first date, like you had joked, but that just looped the conversation back to the fact that you still couldn’t decide if it was an actual date.

“Look, dude, you’re just gunna get yourself worked up trying to decipher this. Why don’t you just leave it as it is and see what happens next time? Maybe he was too nervous to do date stuff with you?”

“Trust me, Sollux, if you had met the guy, you would know that nervous was the last thing he was. The guy couldn’t compliment himself enough.”

“Ok.. Well, what did you think of him?”

What did you think of Dave..?

He was handsome and funny, a major dork. You liked the way he styled his hair and his god awful fucking shades. You secretly liked the nickname he had given you despite the fact that you also hated it. You liked the way his smile made your stomach queasy..

“Hello, earth to Vantas, did you B-line straight to fucking outer space?”

The sound of your best friend’s voice snapped your attention back to him. Apparently, you’d been thinking so much that you had completely dazed off for a moment there.

“Yeah, keep your fucking skirt on, i’m here.”

“What the fuck, dude? You just spaced out for like 2 whole minutes.” 2 minutes? Whoops.

“I was just thinking about what you asked me.” There was no way in hell you were about to admit everything that you had just thought in your head to Sollux; he’d just laugh at you anyway.

“And?”

“He’s… nice.” That was all you could say. All your fucking thoughts about Dave Strider in one sentence.

What more could you say? You’d only known the guy for 3 months and this was the first time meeting him. You had found him attractive over your Skype calls, sure. You had known he was a dork when you were messaging him and liked it then. Everything you had thought about Dave now was how you thought all this time. You just hadn’t thought he’d be interested until now.

“Just nice?”

“Yeah, just nice. He’s a huge fucking dork and he’s nice.” That was the long and short of it.

“Whatever dude, I need to go anyway, I promised ED to help him with his computer tonight. Keep me updated on your real life rom com, KK.”

“Fuck you, Sol.”

“You wish.” He ended the call before you had the chance to, leaving you in the silence of your own room.

With plenty of time to think for yourself what you wanted.

You sighed, closing your laptop so as not to be disturbed and laying back into the comfort of your bed. You looked up at the ceiling and tried to wrap your head around what to do about this asshole named Dave. If he had just made it more clear to you what he actually wanted from this meetup, everything would be a whole lot smoother for you. You wouldn’t have to sit alone in your bedroom pondering the idea of actually letting someone in to be your boyfriend.

Maybe, when you thought about it at its core, you were scared to show interest in him in case he rejected you. He had said he was straight, right? You weren’t a cis girl and you wouldn’t be one for him either. That was what terrified you. Rejection. It hadn’t happened often but it had happened enough to make you wary about new people. There was an especially bad time when one guy, after you had shown an interest in him, who turned around to you one day and said, “I could never be with someone who makes me feel gay for being with them.”

That one had stuck.

Dave knew about your gender though. You had told him pretty much from day one what you were and who you were. He had asked. He knew all this and still, he spoke to you, asked you to coffee, flirted with you. That was the most frightening. If he really was straight, he was playing a dangerous fucking game with your emotions right now. If that was what was actually going on, you don’t think you could cope. It had happened before, you couldn’t deal with it if it happened again as bad as the last time.

You decided to stop thinking for a moment. Just allow yourself the moment of silence you had been given to relax and just be still for a while. Sigh. Relax..

You buried your head further into the plush cushions at the top of your bed, pulling the soft quilt over your body and cuddling into it. It had been 25 hours since you had last slept and right now, you felt like you could actually go any second. Your mind was clearing and your eyelids started to feel heavier, your quilt enveloping you so nicely right now. You felt weightless against the bed as you began to drift into sleep, welcoming the few hours of rest you would be so thankful for.

_____________________________________________________________________

You awoke slowly to the sound of music playing outside, more specifically the sound of an electric guitar. It was relatively far away, you realised as you became more conscious, which is probably why it didn’t wake you up sooner. You pulled your head away from the pillows groggily and made a soft, displeased noise that it now felt three times its usual weight. That’s what weird sleep patterns will do to you. You pat around the bed for your phone, pulling it closer to you and unlocking it to check the time.

Before you could even look at the clock, you noticed a message from one Dave Strider waiting for you. That was… fast. You didn’t yet have the mental capacity to read the message so you went back to your initial task of checking the time. 11:37pm. So you’d probably slept for two and half hours. That wasn’t so bad for you but would make sense as to why your head felt like lead. That and the fact you consume way too much caffeine.

Pushing back into the pillows, you sighed and gave yourself a few more minutes to wake up properly, listening to the distant 80’s rock music playing outside. No doubt that was probably Cronus playing as Dave had mentioned him playing tonight earlier. He wasn’t exactly a bad guitarist, he just wasn’t especially good either. The only reason he could possibly have so many fans was the fact he looked like a stereotypical greaser from the 50’s. Greasers were in fashion right now.

You finally pulled your phone back to your face to read the message Dave had sent you.. An hour ago. He might not even be awake right now if he had a decent sleep pattern. Tapping the message, you scanned over it.

Hey Karkles, new film, ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2’, this Saturday, you game?? ;p

He was asking you out to watch a Rom Com? Ok, scenario one. He actually likes rom coms and wants to watch it with you as buds. Scenario two. He knows that you like rom coms a lot and is asking you to a movie date. The first scenario seemed more unlikely in your mind as you remember him mocking you for loving ‘The Princess Bride.’ So the fact that he was asking you out to a rom com knowing the fact he didn’t care for them was a big deal right?

It had to mean something.

A rom com? You sure that won’t revoke your Cool Kid card?

Your fingers were still half asleep so it took you a little longer to type it out than usual but you eventually hit send, pulling away from your messaging app and scrolling through tumblr. It was probably about time that you answered a few of the questions that were lingering in your inbox.

You had just written half of your response to someone’s ask when your phone vibrated in your hand, showing that Dave had replied to your text message. He was certainly replying fast.

Going with a nerd like you will save it ;)

Fucking asshole.

You finished your response on tumblr and opened his message, sending back a quick reply.

Next Saturday is cool, I don’t wanna hear you moaning about it the whole way through though, rom coms are serious business.

So even though he didn’t like rom coms, and admitted that he didn’t like them to you, he wants to take you see one anyway. That had to mean he wanted to take you because he knew you liked it. It had to be! Why the fuck else would he sit through it? If that was right, that meant he liked you.

Right?

Another message.

Cool! I’ll meet you at central park on Saturday at 5?

Sure thing fuckass.

It was a long wait until Saturday but it gave you something to look forward to.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

POV Dave.

_____________________________________________________________________

You were beaming from ear to ear this morning. You couldn’t help yourself. Firstly, you had such a good time with Karkles the first time you met up and secondly, they had agreed to go out with you again.

To go another date. Maybe. It could be a date.

Admittedly, you didn’t care at all whether you saw this rom com in particular in the cinemas or not at all. They weren’t really your thing but you knew they were Karkats. You were certain that they would appreciate the sentiment of you sitting through it so you could spend time with them.

Rose caught your cheesy ass grin when you stepped into the kitchen and she probably already had an idea why you were so cheery. You had told her the night before that you were going to ask Karkles out again. She was more than supportive, telling you how nice it was to see you getting so close to somebody. She had wanted to know everything about them naturally; this person had been a help for her too. She seemed very surprised to find out about your playful insults with her only knowledge of them being the person they described over the internet.

“So i’m taking it that they said yes?”

“Do you even have to ask me that? I thought my proud face would tell you it all.” You didn’t even care if you looked like the smuggest child in the world. You sure as hell had every right to be. Even though you were keeping things casual and neutral for now, you actually did like Karkat and any chance to take them on a date was one you would gladly take. You just didn’t know how to tell them that was what you wanted yet. Maybe it was the fact you had to stay ice cool all the time, maybe it was the fact that you didn’t quite know yet if they even wanted that from you.

“Yes I did notice.” Rose smiled at you warmly whilst perched on one of the dining table’s chairs. You could smell how strong she had her coffee. You didn’t much care for strong coffee as it was but the way she had it made you turn your nose. “Are you going to remain so cocky until Saturday?”

“Damn straight I am.”

“And I thought your cool facade would chill you to the core.” As you came close to pour your own coffee, she hooked you around the waist and pulled you into a tight sibling embrace. It caught you off guard and you groaned to the pure mush of it, lazily hanging your arm around her neck as she showed her affection.

“Aww come on now, coffee first.” Coffee was priority number one in the morning.

“Alright alright, “ She giggled to herself and let you from her vice grip, allowing you to pour yourself a cup of coffee from the fresh brew in the cafetiere.

You had been living with Rose for two years now, ever since you moved away from your parents home when Rose came out as trans. They had been upset about it at first, as is unfortunately expected when someone comes out as trans, but had eventually come around to it by the time you had found yourselves a new place away from them. It wasn’t anything against them; you were both adults who needed to branch away from your parent home. Rose was very lucky to still have contact with your parents and you could tell she was extremely grateful for it.

Rose was pretty much the perfect roommate. She was inclusive without being clingy. She was great to laugh with but also good with serious situations. She was comforting whilst also being independant. Perhaps sometime in the future, you would move away from your sister to live somewhere else. For now, you couldn’t have asked for a better person to live with. You were always letting her know how much you cherished your dear sister.

“So, when are you going to ask them out??”

This question again though. You had already told her that you wanted to take things slow, see how things worked out. You could understand that she was eager but jeez.

“Not yet at least, Rose, cool as a cucumber remember?”

She stared at you with the most disgusted look you had ever seen in your life.

“Did you just use the phrase ‘cool as a cucumber’?”

“Yes I did, did I stutter? I am the air from a fan, the water in Antarctica, the shade of a beach umbrella-”

“Oh my god, I get it I get it.” She giggled to herself and leant her head against one hand. “Don’t leave it too long dude, or you might get friendzoned.”

“Oh contraire, my dear sister, the friend zone does not exist, I have been educated of my cis male privilege, and the friend zone does not exist.” She scoffed and shook her head.

“Ok, rephrase, they might think you're not interested if you remain stone cold all the time.”

You had thought of that, obviously. That was the main reason you had supplied plenty of flirting alongside your playful banter. There was certainly a difference with the kind of conversations that you had with, say, Rose or John and the conversations you had with Karkat. You made sure of it, to at least show your interest to them.

“Nah, there’s been flirting you know? Letting them know i’m interested at least.”

“I really don’t understand your tactic for picking up dates, Dave.” She shook her head a last time before taking a hearty chug of her coffee. “By the way, you’ve only dated girls before so you’ve called yourself straight. But you like Karkat right?”

“Yeah, I mean, yeah sure but..” That wasn’t exactly something that you’d properly thought about yet. You hadn’t asked them what junk was in the basement so to speak, it just seemed rude? You’d only dated girls because you’d only liked girls in the past. You knew Karkat’s gender for sure, that wasn’t the problem.. Was their junk going to be a problem??

“Well, do you plan to have that conversation with them at some point then? I mean, when you actually rack up the balls to tell them you like them.”

“I.. Hadn’t planned on it in the near future, you know? Maybe i’m just not straight? I won’t know until I get there though.” You really didn’t wanna fuck things up by bringing genitals into conversation.

When you looked over at Rose, she had put her cup down on the table and was looking at you. She was going to have a serious conversation with you, you could tell. There was no room for jokes or puns right now. Not with the way she looked at you.

“Trust me when I tell you, it’s probably a really important conversation to have when the time comes. I know you’re probably going to want to go in head first-” She paused for a moment, obviously catching how much of an innuendo that could be but choosing to ignore it, “but talking about what’s good and what’s not is a good conversation to have. They’re probably going to expect you to want to know too.”

She’s speaking from experience. When she first started to see her girlfriend Kanaya, you remember hearing about the conversation she had with her telling her how things were. Kanaya identified herself as a lesbian and it scared Rose that she might turn her away when she found out who she really was. You had to comfort your sister for four days before Kanaya came back to talk more. She was a little apprehensive at first but a year later, they’ve been pretty much inseparable. Kanaya even went with her to some of the doctor’s appointments to arrange hormones.

“I know sis, don’t worry, I’ll bring it up when the time comes.” You smile, walking over to her to offer her a tender hug which she gladly accepted. Surely this was a difficult subject for her to talk about too. You were grateful you could be so open with her. You knew she felt the same way when she clung to you like she would fall if she didn’t.

“Thanks. Just don’t fuck up.” She looked up at you slightly and a small smirk tugged at her lips.

“I don’t plan on it, Rose.” There was no way in hell you were going to fuck this up. You would make sure of it.

“Good.” She pulled herself away from your embrace and sniffed once, dabbing at the corner of her eye lightly so as not to mess up her makeup. She sighed, picking up her cup up and standing from her seat. “I reckon I need another coffee after that now.”

You laughed at her, “Are you sure you don’t just want the coffee paste in your cup instead.

She punched your arm lightly. Jokes were ok now. Everything was going to be ok.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Chapter 5.

POV Karkat.

______________________________________________________________________

Everything was not ok. You couldn’t be any further away from ok than you were right now.

You had no idea what to wear, you had fallen asleep earlier on and it was now 4:30. What the fuck were you going to do?? Your nice jeans were in the wash basket and your comfy jeans were too tattered to wear for a date.

A date-not date.

You really didn’t feel like exposing yourself through shorts and a crop top like you had done the first time. You just weren’t comfortable with that today. You wanted something that would look nice and cover you sufficiently. Yet you couldn’t find anything that co-ordinated with that at all.

With jeans out of the question, the only thing you had that would set your mind at ease were a pair of chinos that were slightly too big for you now. No time, you’d just have to wear a belt. You pulled them on lazily and grabbed a worn brown belt from your wardrobe, making sure to fasten it enough to keep them from falling. You had settled with some bottoms. Now something for the top.

With at least half of your wardrobe being short tops, you had to consider the other side of your wardrobe that was more comfortable. Over sized band t-shirts from an ex, a few jersey’s that Gamzee had left at your place and you’d now stolen, loose fitting tank tops, graphic tees. A graphic tee would look better with chinos. At least you hoped.

You pulled out a tee that had ‘Meme Trash’ across the chest, smiling to yourself at the memory of buying this top at the demand of Sollux, and pulled it over your head quickly. The only thing you really had to do now was style your hair so it was at least presentable. And maybe brush your teeth. Yeah definitely brush your teeth.

Time. 4:45. You could make it.

______________________________________________________________________

POV Dave.

You had arrived at the park ten minutes early, having always been the kind of person who thought that being early was far better than being late. So much couldn’t be said about your date though. It was now 5:10 and Karkles was still nowhere to be seen. You could feel a lump in your throat that for the life of you didn’t want to soften. You know that it was far too early to be thinking negatively but you couldn’t help but allow your mind to wander at the possibilities of them being late. Maybe that was it, maybe they were just late. Or maybe they weren’t coming.

They wouldn’t do that to you. Although, did you really know them well enough to make that decision? Sure, you had been speaking over Skype for 3 months but they spoke to a lot of people over the internet. You had only been with them in person once. Maybe they had decided that they didn’t want to know you anymore and was just going to stand you up.

5:15. This wasn’t doing anything for your wild imagination. You started to feel paranoid, to the point that you were already planning your way home and waiting for a text message explaining why they hadn’t showed up. Another part of your brain was wondering if that text message never came and you spend the rest of your life unsure as to where it all went wrong.

And then just like that, there Karkat was, running along the pathway towards you.

Your mind calmed, your intrusive thoughts stilled, and you smiled as you watched them making their way towards you. They were just late and there probably a very good explanation for it too. They would tell you and you could forget you ever felt so low.

Breath.

“Dave..” They were a panting, sweaty mess when they finally were close enough to speak to you. “Dave, I’m.. I’m sorry I… I fell asleep and..”

“I’m hurt, Karkles, turning up late like this, left me standing on my lonesome looking like a loser.” Fuck your shell. Fuck your ability to hide behind a rock solid exterior whilst your inner workings were shutting down only 2 minutes ago. You could have just said ‘It’s cool, no worries’ but no.

You watched them look taken aback for a moment, obviously not expecting such a cold response. Luckily, their face soon slipped into an equally joking manner as they retorted, “You don’t need my help to be a loser.”

Fuck, that... That was your chance to actually show some emotion right there. Show them that you were actually a fucking human who could feel things and not turn everything into a joke. It was important to do that; they needed to know. They needed to know that you were capable of showing them how you felt if you ever wanted to build anything between them.

Fuck yourself.

“Says the person wearing a t-shirt admitting you’re meme trash.” You couldn’t change your tune now, you had to cover yourself up like you always did. Let them see the hard exterior you so desperately hid behind.

“Yeah, well fuck you.” Yeah, you deserved that fuck you so much right now. “It’s comfy and I look good in it.”

Agree with them. Tell them they look good in it. “You wish.” Fuck you Strider.

“Yeah yeah, let’s go to the cinema already, i’ve been wanting to watch this for a while now.”

“Only a dork like you would want to sit through a rom com where you have to pay for it.”

That was where you left it. You headed in the direction that the movies were and you went to watch the film. You could tell they were starting to see you as a friend.

_____________________________________________________________________

POV Dave.

You finally made it out of the cinema and it was about time too. You were pretty much stir crazy after sitting through that shitty film. Karkat seemed to like it though and that was the only reason you went. You dealt with it because you knew it would make them happy, that made you happy too.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe it ended like that, I didn’t expect it at all.” They were still droning on to you about the movie you had begrudgingly watched, as if you were supposed to be listening to them pretty much repeat the whole movie to you. You didn’t mind; you had made them happy. It was a plus that you also got to spend time with them even if you didn’t talk much. At some point in the movie, you had tried to brush your hand up against theirs in hopes of holding hands. You had backed out at the last second and said ‘Whoops, hand slipped, sorry man’. You’re such a fucking coward.

“Dude, you don’t need to tell me about what happened, I was there remember, I saw it.” You chuckled, brushing it off lightly. At least with how much they were talking to you about it, your research into a good movie to take them to paid off.

“I know I know but it was really good ok!?” They smiled up at you and you can’t remember if it was the first time you had seen them smile but it felt like the first. You felt like a fucking child who was experiencing their first crush the way their smile made your heart flutter. How their smile made you want to kiss it right from them..

“So, did you have anything planned for now or are we splitting again?”

“Splitting like bananas?”

They grumbled. “Yes, Dave, splitting like bananas.”

“Nah, this was all I had planned, we could go to get a bite to eat if you want? It won’t be anywhere fancy because most places will be booked by now.” You probably should’ve thought of that before you asked them out. Of course they would be hungry after plus it would have given you more time to talk to them. Knowing the topic of conversation as it was, they’d probably just talk about the movie though.

“It’s ok. We can just call it a day here.”

But you don’t want to call it a day here. You want to take them somewhere to eat, you want to embarrass them by holding their hand on the way back, you want to catch their breath as you kiss those sweet, tender lips for the first time…

“Ok, we can leave it here today.” COWARD.

They nod at you, shifting awkwardly in place as you exchanged goodbyes. It’s not at all what you want to do. A swift wave and a quiet goodbye as you watch them walk down the street. You can’t leave it like this. You just can’t. For once in your life, buck up and actually do what you want to do.

“Hey, Karkat?” You call out.

They turn around too quick, looking at you hopefully. Like they wanted you to call them. Like they want you to catch up to them and say goodbye how you actually want to. Like they actually like you back.

“I’ll… Can I call you later?”

Disappointment. Karkles looks back at you silently for a few seconds before nodding, continuing to walk away whilst you just watch your opportunity slip away. You stay grounded to the spot as you just… Watch them.

Before you even realise how long you’d been standing there, slipping into the void of your own low self esteem, they had already long gone.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Chapter 6.

POV Karkat.

_____________________________________________________________________

“Yeah, so then he just said ‘can I call you later?’ and I left.”

“So you think he just wants a friend of you? It sure sounds like it.” You had called Sollux as soon as he was available again to talk about your meet up with Dave. He had been acting.. Different this time. Not flirting as much as he had before, seeming a bit taken away from you. He had certainly seemed as egotistical as always - it was almost impossible for him not to be you imagined - but he still seemed different somehow.

It had only really helped you decide where yours and Dave’s relationship stood.

“Maybe I was getting mixed messages about Dave wanting to date me?? Maybe he’s flirty with everyone, to be honest, he seems like the type that might be like that?” You were a little disappointed that his confusing flirtations weren’t a hint at romantic involvement but you were also a lot calmer now that you had figured out what to expect from this relationship.

“Perhaps. At least you know where you stand now so you can stop coming to me to try and decipher your weird relationship with him.”

“Yeah, fuck you too Sol.” You smiled. You knew that both of you said all of this in good jest. There were only a handful of times that you actually had argued or fought about something; you could tell when the insults were genuine.

“What?? If you can’t figure out whether dank memes are flirting or not, how am I supposed to know?”

He was right. His girlfriend Feferi was the type of person who would just outright say if she liked you and she was already dating Eridan when they all got together. It was probably for the best too as Sollux was the absolutely fucking worst when it came to flirting.

“Thanks for listening to me anyway, Sol. It’s helped having someone to talk to about this.”

“Well, there’s my thank you after all of this. You know, I was starting to wonder whether I would be shown any appreciation for your fucked up would-be romance at all. But alas, Karkat has graced me with their gratitude.”

“If you’re going to be a raging prick about it, i’ll retract that gratitude.” You snickered softly to yourself. To anyone outside of your friendship, Sollux might look like a typical fuck boy dickhead but you appreciated his terrible humour and retaliation to your insults. The friendship just worked well for both of you, a combination of late night Nic Cage memes and actual being there for each other. The fact that you both suffered insomnia only really strengthened the fact that you could talk to each other any time you wanted to. “Anyway, I have a call with a client in about 15 minutes, so I’ll talk to you later.”

“Ok, cool. Oh, by the way, Gamzee called me today. He said he tried to call you but I told him you were busy. He asked me to tell you to ring him soon, he wants to see you.”

Gamzee was your other best friend, though you talked to him less than Sollux. You’d known him for less time too but you still knew him when he was female. It took him a long time to come to terms with himself; his abusive family didn’t exactly help a young trans teenager. You had let him bunk with you when he got kicked out, you had helped him seek out hormones, you even helped him save money for his surgeries when he was down to his worst. You also had a little thing with him for a while in your younger years. Even with all that said, you were still just as close friends with him as you were with Sollux. You just didn’t see him as often.

“Alright, thanks for letting me know. I’ll ring him afterwards. I haven’t seen him in a while..”

“Ok Vantas, see ya later.” He ended the call.

You started to think about Gamzee. He had moved away from your area a few years back and only came to visit every few months or so. That was the main reason you didn’t talk much. Every now and again, you would have a conversation through text or he’d tried to drop you a call like he had done today. You had the kind of friendship where you could be apart for the longest time but still pick up where you left off from the last time. It felt like the time literally dissolved when you bunkered up close to each other late at night, surrounded by an assortment of snacks and just watched lame films together.

You craved that you had come to realise. Although Sollux lived closer, you didn’t physically see each other that often really. Whether it was the fact he was busy hacking, you were busy doing sessions, or the fact neither of you really felt like interacting with anyone on that day, most of your conversations happened on Skype. That was just your relationship with him though.

With Gamzee, it was very physical. He had always been an affectionate person really. Lots of best friend hugs, play fighting, make out sessions were however far behind you. Whether it was due to his lack of physical contact from family as a child or the fact romantic involvement wasn’t his deal, all his affections seemed to be directed at you. You didn’t mind. It was nice really.

It was the kind of thing you were secretly hoping for in Dave. Of course, there were a few people in the past that you had hopes the same from and it hadn’t worked out. You had thought it would be different this time with Dave. It turned out to end just the same way though. More friends.

Maybe you should sign up to a dating site or something.

You lay your thoughts to rest as you smoothed your hair over and put on a shirt so as to look semi-professional for your call. She was a paying client after all. It was time to do some work.

______________________________________________________________________

Dave’s POV.

You had made a B-line straight to your room as soon as you had gotten home. You wanted to be alone in that time. Rose had tried to talk to you about your ‘date’ and of course, she was excited to hear about what happened. You hadn’t blamed her for that. You pretty much flat told her that you weren’t up for talking right now in the form of a ‘later’ paired with the furrow of your brow that hadn’t relaxed from your face since you had started walking home. You were annoyed. Annoyed with yourself. For whichever reason, Rose took the hint and left you to your own devices.

You had been staring at your ceiling, on your back on your bed, for what felt like hours now. You had put on a playlist of early 2000’s indie music for background noise, muffled tunes to fill the empty space as you lay with negativity. This probably wasn’t the best idea but you couldn’t help but indulge in the negative thoughts that flooded your mind, thoughts that called you a coward, a loser, not worthy of love. In effect, you were wallowing in your own self pity and allowing yourself to be affected by these intrusive, negative thoughts. But what else was there to do?

Talk to Rose about it? Talk to her about your feelings? Risk having her see you as an annoyance who couldn’t control his own thoughts. No. That seemed much worse. You felt terrible at the moment but that latter scenario - at this time - felt like it would be worse.

Better to sit alone in your room and contemplate all the ways you fucked up in your life, all the missed opportunities, all of your failures. Right now, this wasn’t just even about Karkat anymore. You had extended yourself more from that, one little failure had left your mind crumbling to everything you had ever missed out on in life. Such is the way of a broken mind; of an ill mind. A mind that so desperately wanted you to curl into the smallest part of yourself and suffer. Sit alone in your room and try to heal the hurt areas of yourself with silence and intent to harm.

Fuck, you were really thinking about it.

The song changed, you noted to yourself absently, and your descent into sorrow stopped briefly for you to make out the lyrics. It was ‘The Man Who Can’t Be Moved’. You had loved this song when it first came out, had listened to it on repeat as if the lyrics resonated with the romantic teenager in you. It had made you think so hard about what love was, how you used to treat girls as if they were objects for your own enjoyment. Boy, your perception had seriously taken a beating when you actually started to think about the way you treated them. Some apologies were accepted, some weren’t, but you learnt your lesson pretty damn quickly.

To this day, you still loved this song, still gave it some gratification to your perception of love and caring. For now, it managed to make your mind a little clearer so you could listen to the familiar lyrics that had ingrained into your memory.

And, of course, you started to think about Karkat. It might be a bit far fetched to say that you loved them just yet; it was still early days. You couldn’t exactly deny to yourself that you didn’t have strong feelings for them either, it was pretty clear. It wasn’t clear to them though. You’re constant barrier to avoid failure had made the mixed messages even more strewn than they already were. You just knew that the more time you spent trying to hide your busy mind from them, the less chance there was of actually making a connection with them.

How could you break a four year habit though?

If you couldn’t even talk to Rose about your feelings and fears, someone who was flesh and blood to you, how were you supposed to talk to Karkat?

You didn’t know the answer for sure but you knew that nothing was ever going to change unless you actually tried, unless you actually asked for the help.

Help.

That was, admittedly, a scarier word than perhaps it should be.

You had to try.

For Rose, for yourself, for your friends.

For Karkat.

______________________________________________________________________

Anxiety.

The word had echoed in your mind for the longest time well after Rose had first said it. You had never cancelled out the idea that there could be something out of the ordinary with your health but this. This you hadn’t even thought about.

“Obviously, Dave, I’m not a doctor and i’m certainly not a trained psychiatrist, but what you’re telling me has startling similarities. Your habit to worry about things you feel are unimportant, your discomfort with talking for extended periods of time with complete strangers, your fear in unfamiliar situations..”

It also made sense how you would hyperventilate when you were sure you were alone to the point you would feel like your lungs were the size of peas and your stomach was performing the most expert circus act. Panic attacks. Usually, when you were all alone in crowded places or sometimes even when something seemingly completely unrelated triggered it. Like that one time, before you knew Jade, she had grabbed your shoulder to get your attention but it had spiralled into a full fledged attack. That was probably one of the only times you could remember someone seeing you like that. You made sure it was the last, choosing to isolate people when it happened so they didn’t look down on you for being any less ‘cool’.

“But what does that mean for intrusive thoughts? They’re not always panic related but sometimes just... “ Depression. You had figured it out before you could even finish your sentence. Your thoughts were similar to the ones Rose had been telling you about when she first came out to you. Hers were dysphoria related but yours were just as plain as that. “Depression.”

“You think you have depression?” She looked more concerned now. This was exactly what you feared. “You should really book yourself into the doctors then. Whether you choose to take medication or counselling, it’s still better to be diagnosed.. I hear it can make recovery easier.

Recovery. Panic attacks. Intrusive thoughts. Anxiety. Depression.

This was all happening so fast and you felt scattered. Broken. Light headed. You wanted to run away to the comfort of your room where you could just deal with it by yourself as you always had.

You had reached out to Rose though. She was here to help you. You had to respect that at least.

She was there to help you.

Breath.

“Ok ok.. I don’t know if i’m ready for that we’ll.. We’ll go over that another day.” You were nervous. This was all so new. So raw. Your heart beat had accelerated and you could feel your breathing quicken. You so desperately wanted to run. How were you supposed to just accept something that could be so life changing in a matter of minutes? For all you know, you’ve had the chemical imbalance for years but you had gotten used to that. That was comfortable.

This was suffocating.

“Alright, that’s ok, you don’t need to do anything right away, you can take your time.” She was respecting your state of mind, sympathising, trying to work with you. She’s here to help. It comforted you. “Wait, isn’t Karkat a trained psychiatrist? Maybe they could help you.”

No. No no no. That sent your heart a flutter all over again. You wanted this person to be your partner, not be the person who listens to you talk about your feelings as a… As an obligation. They couldn’t know. How would they ever be able to consider dating you knowing how broken you were??? They would pity you. They'd see you totally different to the way you had been portraying yourself all this time. They'd see what you were really like.

You couldn't control your breathing any longer and before you knew it, you were leaning over your knees and hyperventilating. The noise around you appeared to muffle slowly, with the last words you hear being ‘Breathe, Dave!’. You were already doing that. You were doing that a whole fucking lot. No matter how quickly you allowed air into your lungs, they felt like they were being squeezed, squished, suffocated. Your whole chest felt so tight, like someone was pressing their whole body weight against that one part of you. You felt dizzy and you couldn't seem to bring yourself out of it.

After all this time, you just couldn't control it anymore.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Chapter 7.

POV Karkat.

It had been three weeks since you had heard anything from Dave. He hadn’t called you like he said he would, he hadn’t dropped you a message in that time, hell, you even saw him in the streets the other day and he either didn’t see you or acted like he didn’t hear you shout his name. It was weird to say the least. For a guy who seemed so interested in you one minute to just drop you like that.. It felt cold. And it actually hurt you. You had already set in your mind that Dave just wanted a friend from you with how he was being before but now you weren’t even sure he wanted that. All contact with him had just stopped so suddenly and it was hard to pinpoint exactly why by yourself. You needed him to tell you why but that didn’t seem possible seeing as he was avoiding everything about you.

You sat on your bed, your usual spot these days, phone in hand and staring at the screen that looked back at you with Dave. His contact in your phone. You had already sent him a text today to ask what was wrong, to at least tell you why he wasn’t talking to you but nothing yet. You had let him sit for the last week in hope that a little time on his behalf would provide you with an explanation for his sudden disappearance. Today, you just couldn’t take the silence anymore and sent him that text. It only made you more frustrated the fact that he still wouldn’t answer you.

You thought to yourself for a moment to somebody, anybody you knew that also knew Dave. Somebody that you could contact to try and get some information from.

And then you remembered Rose.

He had told you that was his sister right? Rose Lalonde. They had different last names but you remember him saying that Rose had reached out to you when she couldn’t do it with him. He had said it made him feel like a shitty brother. Surely you still had her on your skype.

You searched your extended contact list for Rose… Rose… Rose. Yes! You still had her on Skype. Which meant that you could see her phone number too.

Faster than you imagined you would, you were punching in the number on your phone’s dialpad, pressing the dial button on your screen and bringing your phone to you ear. Finally, she would definitely be able to give you something. At least, you hoped.

After four rings, the sound of her voice spoke back, “Hello, who is this?”

“Hello, Rose, my name is Karkat. We spoke a while back, do you remember?” You had put your telephone voice on, not exactly knowing how casual you could be with her now as you only ever knew her as a client.

“Oh Karkat! Hello, yes I remember you.” She sounded pleased at the very least. You assumed that was a good sign that at least she thought of you positively. “How can I help you?”

“Well, I’m not sure if you’re aware but i’ve been speaking to your brother, Dave, for a while now and..” You realised as you were speaking that you were coming off slightly creepy. You needed an excuse. “He’s stopped contacting me. As a friend, I’m worried about him. Is he ok?”

There was silence on the other end of the phone. You could practically hear the cogs working in her mind to process what you just said.

“Oh I see. Yeah, Dave’s fine. I don’t think he’s been talking to a lot of people at the moment.. He’s dealing with something and he’s the type to deal with it by himself.”

Oh. You hadn’t expected that at all. That was a relief for you at least though, not that he was dealing with any sort of problem, but more the fact he wasn’t just ignoring you for no reason.

“Oh, alright, well thank you, that puts my mind at ease.”

“If you want, I can see if he wants to chat with you now?”

If he was dealing with some issues, he’d probably say no but you were curious anyway. “Yeah.. If he’s up to talking.”

“Ok, hold on, i’ll try and get him.” She stopped talking but you could heard her harsh footsteps against the floor as she was obviously making her way over to his room or something. You felt yourself actually getting nervous, not because you were afraid to talk to him, but because you were afraid he’d turn you down again.

Ok, you had accepted that any form of relationship from this point on was probably only going to be platonic with Dave. You couldn’t see him being interested in you like that. That didn’t mean that you didn’t like him still. You had developed quite a crush on him over the past few months and it wouldn’t just go away after a few weeks of cold shoulder. You couldn’t quite pinpoint just one thing you liked about him. You liked a lot of things. He felt comfortable, you could talk and joke together, his dorky shades, and his stupid hair. It was rare to say the least to find someone so chill around you. Maybe that was a strong contributor for your crush.

You heard a door open on the other end of the phone and Rose calling out a greeting to Dave. You held your breath in your throat when you heard him call back. He was close. Close enough that you could feel like he was actually saying hello to you. It did things to your heart that it had no business doing. Your pulse went into a flurry and all the nervousness that resided in your head went straight to your stomach. In a good way though.

“Karkat’s on the phone for you.” You waited for the retaliation. You were so sure that you would hear him start to protest wanting to speak with you. He’d been so silent up until now, why wouldn’t he be like that?

Sure enough, you were right.

“Rose, I really don’t want to talk right now ok, can you just.. Tell them i’m not here?”

“Dave, they can hear everything you’re saying.”

Yep. You could hear every word and the syllables of what he was saying run rings around your head.

“Shit!”

“Dave, just talk to them, they’re right here.”

You didn’t even feel apart of this conversation anymore. It was like you were a cloud of smoke just residing over the top of the two of them.

“I really.. Really don’t want to, OK?”

He had quietened his voice, probably to stop you from hearing his rejection, but you could hear it loud and clear. You weren’t sure when you had stopped breathing completely but you made damn sure that no noise would come from you so you could hear exactly what was being said.

“This is getting ridiculous, Dave. You are blocking everyone out right now, even me. Just talk to them.”

More protest. At some point, you became numb to their conversation. It all sounded the same by now, Rose trying to get Dave on the phone and Dave downright refusing to even give you the time of day. You couldn’t take it anymore. You had called for answers and that was what you got.

You peeled the phone from your ear slowly and hit the screen to end the call, clutching the sides of it tightly as you stared cold at the blank screen. You had never felt so broken, not for a long time at least. How dare he push himself into your life and into your head only to drop you as if you were nothing. You probably shouldn’t take it as hard as you were but how could you not? This fucking idiot had swept you up in a tornado of memes and confusing sexual advances and then just…. Left.

You knew for sure that you would regret your next decision but your mind was not in a state to make good judgements.

You pulled up Gamzee’s contact on your phone and hit dial.

He was still in town and he picked up in a heartbeat, like you knew he would. His voice was soothing and familiar, “Hey, motherfucker, what’s up?”

“Gamzee…” Trembling breath, you were upset and you didn’t give a shit if your friend knew it. “Gamzee, how quick can you make it to my place?”

“About 20 minutes, my friend..” That was good enough. The lingering endearment of ‘brother’ or ‘sister’ was stuck in his throat and you could hear it. He had stopped a long time ago but the mannerism was still embedded in your head. “Why?”

“I need you here.. Now. I just…. I really need something from you right now.” You knew you were asking too much of him, you knew you probably shouldn’t even be thinking about it let alone asking for it… You just needed his love right now.

“Oh, I get what you mother fucking mean, best friend.” Good. At least you didn’t have to explain it to him, above everything you were about to do, you didn’t want to vocalise it.

“Just… Get your ass over here.. And bring food.”

“I got you.. I thought you all up and wanted to quit this though. You ain’t asked me for it in so mother fucking long.”

It was true. It wasn’t healthy for either of you back then or now. That didn’t stop you from needing it.

“I know, I know.” A thought occurred to you amidst your clouded judgement. “You can say no.. I mean, if you want to, I won’t force you.”

“Nah, my friend, it’s all chill, i’m down for it.”

“Good.. Get here fast.. Please.”

“See you soon, best friend.” He hung up.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Chapter 8.

POV Dave.

“Karkat? Hello, Karkat?” Rose pulled the phone that she was holding away from her ear and looked at the blank screen, face screwing up as she looked back at you. She seemed really upset with you. “They’ve hung up.”

“Good.” It came out colder than you had been expecting but it got the point across.

“I know for a fact that you don’t mean that. I know you like them, you’re just too stuck in your own stubbornness to admit it.”

Perhaps to her but you had admitted it to yourself. You did like them and you did want to speak to them again. You had been having so much fun with them now they were in your life. Even so, you couldn’t do so whilst you were like this. You were too afraid to show them your fragility whilst you were trying to accept what may or may not be wrong with you. They had enough on their plate already you imagined, talking to other people who had problems to talk about to them. You didn’t want to add to that. Not if you pursued what you wanted to.

“Yeah well maybe I just don’t want them to have to deal with me like this, ever think of that Rose?” You were getting angry and defensive. You wouldn’t beat yourself up about it though; you were allowed to feel this way. At least you told yourself that.

“Dave, you can’t just shut everyone out of your life because you have a mental illness. You could be living with it for years, or even the rest of your life! Do you intend to cut people out for the rest of your life?”

That struck a chord in you. Was it really possible to have to live like this until you died? You’d never feel ‘normal’ again? Your anger subsided as you let that sink in, living with depression and anxiety for the rest of your life. You hated the feeling, you hated feeling low enough to want to jump off the roof of the highest apartment complex just to end it all. You hated hyperventilating when things were too overbearing for you. You thought that there was a cure for it. Take some pills and it would go away. Apparently not.

“The rest of my life…? Is that possible?”

“Yes, Dave, in fact, most people that have these illnesses live with them for the rest of their lives. You just have to develop a good coping strategy, seek counselling, take medication if you want to. It’s a chemical imbalance that can lay dormant for years but it’s still there, Dave.”

You started to feel awful. This situation was making your mind feel clouded with all sorts of negative emotions. You started to feel guilty for locking Karkat out, more so than you had before. You started to feel depressed that you couldn’t cure yourself. You felt alone for isolating yourself for three weeks.. Had it been that long? You were a social person at the best of times, once the initial anxiety of meeting new people was over with. You loved to talk to your friends and hang out with them, do stupid shit with them and experience life with people. You were an extrovert by all accounts and that just made all of this harder to deal with.

“I think you should give yourself some time to think, as I can see you are doing now, and call Karkat when you’re done. Apologise to them. Tell them what’s going on. They’re a decent person, they’ll understand i’m sure of it.” Rose stepped forward to give you a slightly too firm squeeze to your shoulder and left your room. Left you to your thoughts.

Now, you actually genuinely believed that having depression and anxiety was like having a nasty cough. Spend some time alone to wallow in your sickness, take some medication, start to feel better after a few weeks. Only the sickness could be left untreated for so many years like you realised you had been. Perhaps your mind was so in denial that it pushed that happy thought to the forefront of your mind to help you cope. You could see now that it wasn’t that easy. This wasn’t going to go away like a cough would like you first had thought. You would have to work on it.

Deciding that you had left Karkat in the dark for long enough, you sat down on your bed and moved back into the soft pillowy comfort of it. You retrieved your phone that had been sitting in the top drawer of your bedside cabinet for a week now. You hadn’t touched it in all that time and from unlocking it, you could tell straight away the time you had spent away. There were Facebook notifications galore, Whatsapp messages, tumblr updates. And right at the top, there was Karkat’s name. 2 messages and 3 missed calls.

You had seen the ones that had been sent the previous weeks but your phone had been sitting there for a whole week now. They were recent too as they were dated today. They had tried to contact you initially. They had given you space. Even after all that, they still tried to get through to you.

They must care about you. Why else would they be so desperate to contact you? To make sure you were ok? They had even called Rose just to ask if you were ok.

You felt like a huge dick.

You read through the messages that were basically just asking for an explanation as to why you were ignoring them. You’d make sure to explain that; they deserved it at least. The calls showed you they were made about a half hour before Rose came in to tell you they were on the phone. So they had tried you first and figured that they could probably contact Rose in your ignorance. You couldn’t blame them for trying.

You pulled up your call log from your phone and pressed on ‘Karkles’, putting it to your ear as the dial tone played back at you. No answer.

You couldn’t exactly say that you didn’t expect them to ignore you after all the cold shouldering you had done to them. But it had only been about 30 minutes since they were on the phone asking to speak with you.

No. You were just being paranoid. Give them a chance at least; they probably just didn’t get to it in time.

You pressed their name again and leaned your phone against your ear. Dial tone. Dial tone.

And then, an unfamiliar voice answered, “Hello motherfucker?”

Who the… Who the fuck was that? Who was answering Karkat’s phone for them?

“Heeeellllloooo?”

“Hello? Who is this?”

“That’s a more appropriate question for me, don’t you think, motherfucker?”

It was a male’s voice on the other end of the phone, deep and raspy. He sounded like he had something stuck in his throat that would go away if he just coughed or cleared it but he was refusing to do so. He had a slight Nigerian accent too.

“Gamzee! Get the fuck off my pho-na-ahh!” That was Karkat’s voice. They just moaned. Simultaneously, the mysterious male on the other end made a strained groan. What the fuck was going on?

“Sorry, obviously bad time.” You put the phone down immediately as your face grew warm with heat. You stared down at the bright screen as you tried to comprehend what the fuck kind of phone call you had just participating in. Who the fuck was Gamzee? And why was he making Karkat moan like that?

You leaned further into your pillows as your face only grew redder thinking about it. They had to be fucking. There was no other reason that they would make a noise like that. Did they have a boyfriend and didn’t tell you or something?

This wasn’t right. Not one bit. You were supposed to be the one who was dating them. You were the one who was supposed to be making them smile, kissing them, fucking them…

But you weren’t dating them.

You had to keep reminding yourself that. You tried so hard not be jealous right now but the green didn’t want to go away. They weren’t your partner so you couldn’t be jealous if they were screwing someone else. You still were though. You were jealous that another person got to have an intimate moment with Karkat when you were still too coward to even tell them you liked them. You wanted to be in that person’s place right now so badly.

You sighed gently as the thought of fucking Karkat got you all sorts of hot and bothered. Naturally. You decided to yourself that now that you had put yourself forwards to talk to them again, they could contact you back when they weren’t so ‘busy’.

The ball was in their court.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Chapter 9.

POV Karkat.

The room was hot and stifling by the time you had finished your misbehaviour with your best friend. You sat up to catch your breath whilst Gamzee freshened himself up in your bathroom. Regret wasn’t exactly the emotion you were feeling right now; you knew that Gamzee was more than ok to help you when you needed something.

Guilt, on the other hand, was something you did feel.

Gamzee was your best friend, he’d helped you and you’d helped him, he was bizarre and quirky in his own respects but your friendship was valuable. Engaging in such activities as you just had seemed to almost always blur the line for you two. You knew there was absolutely no chance that you and Gamzee would ever enter into a romantic relationship together - romantic attachment wasn’t Gamzee’s thing - but still, who fucks their best friend??

You hated the implication of ‘Friends with Benefits’ too; the term was almost always associated with having feelings for one another. Whilst you loved Gamzee, it was completely platonic. You just didn’t love him that way.

So you sat there on your bed, guilty conscience and reddened chest, trying to figure out exactly what you would say to your best friend when they came back in.

You had promised yourself that you would never have sex with Gamzee again for this very reason, you didn’t want things to get complicated between you two. He was far too precious to you. Even though he might not be interested in a relationship, you didn’t want to give him the idea that that was what you wanted from him either.

He did show you the love you needed though. With everything so confusing with Dave right now, you could always rely on your friend to show you just how much he cared. Even if it wasn’t in a conventional way. Your mind was in a constant state of disarray with Dave, you didn’t know where you were, where you stood, what his feelings were, and most definitely if you would ever even see him again.

You decided to just calm you erratic thought pattern and accept that Gamzee had been there for you when you needed it. You would tell him that and thank him. There was nothing else to think about. You were not wrong here.

You were valid.

Gamzee came back into the room now, hair slightly wet and the cuff of his t-shirt dampened too. He had also managed to get his pants back on, which was a bonus you suppose. He smiled at you lazily, the kind of smile you had grown to expect from him. You offered him a smile back and moved across the bed to allow him some space to sit. You shifted slightly when the bed dipped to his weight, watching him push his curled hair from his face.

“Hey Gamzee, thanks for.. Being there for me when I needed you.”

“It’s all good, my favourite motherfucker.” Another lazy smile in your direction. “No need for thanks, I’m always happy to help you.”

“I know, but I also know that I told you I would never ask for this from you again because of the implications it could strain on our friendship.”

“Nah nah, let me stop you there, best friend. No matter how many mother fucking times we do it, I’ll never think that you want anything from me but a mother fucking best friend.” You had given up trying to tell him to stop saying ‘mother fuck’ so many times, he just seemed to do it regardless. Another quirk of his. “I know you pretty fucking well by now, and I know that this thing we all up and got here between us is just a coping mechanism. You don’t need to mother fucking worry yourself about it. I know you do but you don’t have to.”

At least he understood it the way you did; It was helpful to eliminate the possibility of mixed messages. As much as you didn’t want it to be, sex was sort of a coping mechanism for certain situations. This time around, confusing relationships with Dave happened to be one of the triggers.

Dave.

“Oh right, who called my phone by the way? I didn’t see the name.”

“Some mother fucker called Dave. Hung up saying, ‘sorry bad time’.”

So it was Dave. He had decided to ring you back after you had tried to speak to him. Only he tried to call you when you were fucking Gamzee. He heard you fucking Gamzee. Considering everything that’s happened, knowing that probably shouldn’t make you feel as uneasy as it did right now. It did though and god, you knew the feeling wouldn’t go away until you spoke to Dave again.

“Right yeah, Dave.” You tried to keep it casual, knowing a relationship wasn’t exactly what Dave was wanting from you, there was no point in showing Gamzee that you had feelings for him. “Do you mind if I step away for a minute to call him back?”

“Go ahead, mother fucker.”

You stood from the bed, pulling a pair of panties over your exposed genitals and grabbed your phone from the bedside cabinet. You had to put it down quickly though to wipe your hand of god knows what liquid was still coated on your fingers. Probably lubricant. Once your hands were clean, you picked the phone back up, gave that a wipe for good measure and walked out of the bedroom to your hallway. You pulled up your recent calls and clicked Dave’s name, putting it to your ear as it began to ring.

After six rings - honestly? Six - Dave picked up with an apathetic, “Hello?”

“Dave.. Hi, it’s Karkat.”

“Funny, I saw that when you rang actually. You know, cuz I have your number saved?” Wow, he didn’t take any time to act like the stoic prick he always was.

“Haha, you’re hilarious. What did you call me for?”

“Well, I thought I should perhaps grow a pair and actually talk to you, apologise for ignoring you for so long. From the sound of it though, you were too busy to talk to me.”

Shit. That was right, Gamzee had picked up and the first thing he probably heard was… That.

“Right, yeah, that was Gamzee, my best friend. I told you about him right?”

“Yeah, you told me he was your friend. Not your boyfriend.”

Boyfriend? Where the fuck did he get that idea from? Sure, he had heard them in a rather inconvenient situation but that didn’t automatically assign him as your boyfriend.

“He’s not my boyfriend, Dave. He’s my friend.”

“No offense, Karkat, but I don’t know anyone that fucks their best friend.” He wasn’t even using that annoying nickname he had given you when you first met. He rarely used your real name when speaking to you and you had kind of become accustomed to hearing him say ‘Karkles’. Was he genuinely upset about this?

“If it’s any of your business, yeah, I fucked my best friend. So what? Why are you so agitated about it?”

“Do you fuck Sollux too? Is there anyone else you fuck just for the hell of it?” Yeah he was genuinely upset.

“No, I don’t fuck Sollux! He in a relationship remember? Seriously, what is your deal, dick breath? Why does it bother you so much?”

“Where did you get the idea that it bothers me?”

“Gee, the way you’re acting and speaking to me is a pretty clear fucking indicator.” You started to get angry yourself now. Why was it any of his concern who you chose to have sex with and who you didn’t? He didn’t show any interest in it being his concern before.

“And what if it did bother me? I’m your friend, right?”

“You assigned yourself that position when you didn’t show any interest in me.” Things were started to get really heated now. You could feel your cheeks burning, you were starting to tremble, and if your eyes weren’t already red, they certainly were now.

“Now you’re being stupid. Since when have I ever held back my interest in you?”

This wasn’t even about Gamzee anymore. This was months of sexual tension and mixed flirtations. This was every confusing moment you had ever had with Dave. Now he was telling you that he always shown an interest in you? Bullshit.

“Me being stupid?! Never have you outright given me a sign that you wanted anything more than friendship from me, asshole.” It was his turn to play silence, like he was thinking very carefully about what he wants to say next to you. It annoyed you. Didn’t he know you were supposed to be arguing. “Well?! Are you interested in me or not?”

“Of course I like you Karkat!”

“No, I didn’t ask if you liked me. I asked if you are interested in me. Interested in a romantic way.”

“No shit Sherlock! Why else would I pick an awful rom com for us to watch on our second date? Because I knew you’d like it.”

“It’s a yes or no answer Dave!!”

“Yes!”

That was all that ever had to be said between you two. A confirmation of your romantic interest in each other. None of this subtle flirting bullshit and dat boi references. It only ever had to be this simple. Yet at the same time, now you think about it, how could you have ever been so upfront. Perhaps the aggravation that you had held so close to you from not being able to decipher Dave’s weird flirting had turned into full throttle anger that you had now directed at Dave.

You didn’t exactly tell him you were interested either though.

“Right… Ok.”

There a silence for a good half a minute, neither of you knowing quite how to go forward with this conversation now. Every ounce of fury drained from your system as you let the weight of his words linger in your mind. He did actually like you. You weren’t wrong. It sounded cliche but just from hearing him say that he was interested buried the aggravation you had been living with for months now. Now it didn’t matter. You liked each other.

“So.. You like me to then?” Natural question. You had just forced a confession from him.

“Yes, Dave, of course I like you.”

“Ok, but are you romantically interested in me?”

“Fuck you, dick cheese.” You internally laughed at him for his choice of words, the ones you had given to him now to long before. “Yes.”

“Well thank god for that!” He audibly laughed at the situation, the kind that made you feel warm inside like a typical girl from a rom com. “I thought we’d never have this conversation.”

“You could have initiated it too you know!”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. So.. Where do you go from here?”
“How about we just chat for a bit.. It’s been a while huh?”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

POV Dave.______________________________________________________________________It had been about a week since you and Karkat had finally admitted to each other that you were both interested in a romantic relationship. At the time, it had felt like the most ridiculous way to go about your fondness for each other but after thinking about it, the time you spent giving mixed messages wasn’t exactly the best way to express it either. It was all in the past now though. You had finally had the conversation that would allow both of your feelings to grow into something that you had wanted from the very beginning.You had arranged another coffee date with Karkles when you started to think about what Rose had spoken to you about not to long ago. The conversation of genitals. What was rocking down in Karkat’s basement. You tried to convince yourself that it didn’t matter what junk they were carrying; You would still like them just as much as you always had. Something in the back of your mind was worrying you though. You had never been with a person who had a dick before. Never been with any guys, any trans women, no-one in between. Would it present a problem? You desperately wanted it to not present a problem but you couldn’t ignore the fact that it just might.Karkat didn’t exactly present as either feminine or masculine either. With some people you could kind of tell but Karkat was a true neutral. In one instance, they would be wearing a crop top and some make up but they had a flat chest. On the other, they could be sporting their curled, black hair in a messy bun and a sweatshirt with a skirt underneath. You tried not to let gender norms rule your judgement of what gender someone was but right now, it might have been helpful to distinguish what sex Karkat was.Sure, there were other things you could check for, adam’s apple, beard stubble, whether their trousers actually presented a bulge when they were tight, but you hadn’t even bothered to check for those things the few times you had seen each other. You were too encapsulated by their striking maroon coloured eyes and they way there was always one curl that stuck out by their right ear. Their slim neck and the large mole that resided just above their top lip. You hadn’t bothered to check for sex indicators when you had been too busy just looking at them, at how beautiful they were.This was the reason you didn’t think that genitals would present any problem when you were obviously so star struck with Karkat. At the same time, you were concerned that you had absolutely no experience with a dick besides your own.You looked over at Karkles, who was sharing with you something about new lipsticks from their favourite brand but for all you know could be talking about something absolutely different right now because you had zoned out so hard thinking about what junk was in the trunk. Better to zone back now before they started asking you to repeat things.“.. And they’re this beautiful metallic collection but they’re expensive too?? God, they’re so worth it though! The colour pay off!”You smiled to yourself, definitely still talking about lipstick. They did this thing when they were talking about something they really liked. Karkat was a hand talker and they would wave their hands around to try and emphasis whatever they were talking about. Gestures up and down, side to side, rolling their wrists, they did it all. You thought it was the cutest thing.“Do you want them?” You inquired.“Of course I want them! But they’re expensive, I feel bad for buying them, especially because of shipping.” They felt bad to treat themself to nice things. You made note of that.“I can get them for me, tell me which ones you want.”Karkat looked at you with shock and disbelief on their face. “No no, Dave, these aren’t like £5 lipsticks, they’re £15 each plus about £9 shipping.”“Well, if I buy more than one, only one payment for shipping.” You smirked at the mix of denial and contemplation you could see working through their mind. “So which ones do you want?”“Dave, I can’t accept you doing that for me. It’s a lot of money.”“Well ok, how about this then, you do something for me, I do something for you.”They turned their head a bit, giving you a wary and unsure look. You knew exactly what you were going to ask for so the mixed emotions on their face made you laugh internally. “What do you want me to do for you?”“Will you be my partner?”The flush that captured their cheeks was enough of a reaction for you. It was by far the most adorable thing you had ever seen; they looked so taken aback. Whilst, yes, you had admitted that you were both interested in each other, neither one of you had verbally confirmed that you were together. Now was a better time than any.“Dave!”You allowed yourself to laugh audibly this time, reaching over the table to gently cup their fingers in your noticeably larger palm, squeezing ever so slightly to show your sincerity. “I’m for real, will you be my partner?”They remained silent for a moment, thinking over what was happening right now. “Of course… Yes of course Dave.” Their lips stretched into the biggest smile and it was everything you ever needed in that moment. Seeing their happiness from showing commitment towards them filled you with a giddy feeling that made you want to sweep them up and never let them go.Fuck, they were cute.“Ok, so which lipsticks do you want?”“No Dave! They’re still a lot of money!”“Aww, come on, you did something for me, let me do something for you.”You bickered together for a good few minutes before Karkles let you know the names of the lipsticks they wanted. A quick browse of the website and several clicks later, you had ordered them, the money being totally worth the gratitude on their face. They were still a little annoyed that you had convinced them to let you buy the lipsticks for them, but that was nothing a sneaky kiss couldn’t solve.This was one of many of your favourite things about being in a relationship, kissing them. The best were when you kissed them when they least expected it and they made this surprised little noise. Everything was still so fresh so you managed to pick up on small cute things like that. And they were cute. You couldn’t believe how lucky you had been to land a person like them.And you still couldn’t believe how many times you had pointed out to yourself that they were cute.A text message to your phone disconnected the two of you from what was turning out to be pretty heated. You pulled it from your pocket and looked at the name of who had texted you. It was Rose. You looked at the message she had sent you through the pop notification at the top of your phone.
‘Have you spoken to them yet?’
It sounded like a pretty ordinary thing to ask but you knew exactly what that meant. You had thought about it earlier on when Karkat was still talking to you about the difference between Rose Gold and Pink. The genitals conversation.With Rose being trans, she was taking it very seriously and wanted to know when you would have the conversation with them. You could understand from her perspective why it was an important thing to talk about but the timing just didn’t seem like the right time at this very moment. You hadn’t been together for that long, in fact you had literally just made it official between you two. You knew that Karkat wanted to take it slow anyway so you weren’t expecting to get sex anytime soon. The conversation could be put on hold until the timing was better.“Important?”You had been silent for a moment whilst you had been thinking, it was understandable why Karkat was starting to think it might be something you had to split because of.“Nah, just Rose, it’s not important.”They smiled at you happily, seeming to have lost all grumpiness from you spending money on them. You had been sitting in this coffee shop for a while now though, having finished your coffee ages ago and just getting lost in conversation with each other. It was probably important for you to leave by now.“We should probably go somewhere else though, we’ve been here for what, 2 hours?”Karkat looked down at your phone to check the time, after you had quickly swiped Rose’s text away, and nodded, “Yeah about that, where do you wanna go?”“I would say we can chill at my place but i’m not sure you’re ready to find out just how nosey Rose is.” You let out a laugh but you weren’t joking. You just know that the first time you brought Karkat back to your house, you wouldn’t even make it back to your room with Rose’s persistent questions.“Well, we can go to my flat for a bit if you want? Watch a movie or something?”“Yeah that sounds better.”You pulled your jacket on whilst Karkat insisted on taking the empty coffee glasses up to the counter to make cleaning easier for the staff. So they were this considerate in real life. You pushed your phone back into your pocket as Karkat came back to your side, taking their hand and exiting the coffee shop together. You let them lead you in the direction of their apartment and engaged in idle chit chat on the way there. Moments like this were the thing you missed about being in a committed relationship. Sure, the make outs and passionate sex at the beginning was really fun but just being able to connect with a person and talk about everything was something that lasted. You loved it.It didn’t take you more than 15 minutes to get to Karkat’s place, following behind them whilst they did the routine fob entry and actually going up floors to get to their place. That was a novelty not missed when living in a house. A few more moments and you were both inside Karkat’s flat, taking the time to look around whilst removing your coat and shoes.The decor wasn’t exactly what you expected to find in their house. You had expected a more cluttered setup with shelves lined with many rom coms that you knew they loved. The exact opposite was true. The walls were a very standard magnolia but they were decorated with the most beautiful pieces of pop art you had ever seen. You recognised some to be Roy Lichtenstein but others you didn’t know. They were all very colourful and brought the room to life. They also had a lot of potted plants decorated around. They did clash a little against the drastic colour of the pop art but they also made the room look more organic. The furniture was clean cremes and features of brown. It was all in all a really nice looking room.You wondered if their bedroom was the same.You looked back at Karkat who had already entered the living area and was looking at you expectantly, like they had just spoken to you and you hadn’t registered.“Sorry, did you say something?”“Yes, you dick weasel, I said do you want a drink?”“Oh sorry, nah i’m good. I was admiring your choice in decor.” You looked around the room again to emphasise your point.“Oh. Do you like it?”“Yeah, it looks really nice. Did you choose it or was it already in the apartment?”“The wall colour and carpet were already here.. I just added to it.”You smiled softly. So they were decent in interior design as well.. Your house was slightly similar though. The communal areas were decorated to Rose’s decision whilst your room looked like a teenage boy’s room. Posters on the walls and clothes scattered around lazily where you hadn’t cleaned yet.“So what do you wanna watch?” Karkat asked you whilst you were still admiring the room and looking at them told you they were secretly hoping to hear you say a rom com. Just because you couldn’t see them, you were certain they had a hearty stash somewhere. Probably in one of the wood cabinets.“I dunno, what have you got? This is your place not mine.” You chuckled. They screwed their face at you like you should know exactly what they had to offer.“We can watch anything.. I’ve got Netflix plus a whole bunch of DVD’s so..”“Why don’t we surf Netflix a bit then.. See if there’s anything that catches our eyes.” Even though you knew they would most likely look through every single sappy love movie that Netflix had to offer.“Alright.. I’ll set up my laptop to the TV.”You took a seat on their couch and watched them connect their laptop to the TV with a HDMI cable. Whilst you were at it, you took the time to admire the way they looked today. They had chosen a pair of really nice tight jeans that accentuated the curve that connected their thick thighs to their calves. They had paired it with this pretty flowery crop top that was a bit more floaty at the bottom. There was a rose clip on the back of their hair that pulled it all back and out of their face. You had already noticed their choice in wardrobe once or twice already but one more time wouldn’t hurt. You smiled to yourself. God, they were cute.And you were pointing out their cuteness again. You began to accept this might just be a regular thing.When they were done connecting all the wires, they picked up their laptop and moved onto the couch next to you, causing a slight dip to the difference in weight. Karkat wasn’t fat by any means but you still noticed that dip when they sat. They actually had a really cute little chubby belly that you had pointed out in the coffee shop you wouldn’t mind using a pillow. They had hit your arm.You raised your arm to drape it over their shoulders, pulling them ever so slightly closer so you could both see what was on the laptop screen. Surprisingly, Karkles went for the documentaries tab, telling you there was something called ‘Blackfish’ that they wouldn’t mind watching. You hadn’t heard of it but you agreed that that was what you would watch, glad it wasn’t a rom com. Weren’t documentaries something you’d put on for Netflix and Chill though?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The wait for Gamzee to show up at your flat was the longest 20 minutes you had ever had to endure in your whole life. Perhaps not your whole life - that was a wild exaggeration - but it came pretty damn close. You were practically ready to take your frustration out on yourself but you knew that it just wouldn’t be the same. This whole fucked up deal you had wasn’t just about getting yourself off and feeling better about it afterwards. You needed to feel like you were loved right now. Gamzee would never love you in a romantic sense but his raw, platonic love came pretty close second.

After checking through your tumblr for the sixth time and almost calling Gamzee up to see where the hell he was, you heard a buzz from your intercom. In record time, you had leaped off your bed and picked up the phone to your best friend, not even delaying in idle chat to press the buzzer and let him find his way upstairs. You waited impatiently at the door for him, feeling yourself getting more and more frustrated with every second that he wasn’t knocking on your door. Of course, in not too much time, he did and you opened the door to welcome him into your home.

“Hey, best friend, I got doritoes, ben and jerry’s, some iced tea for you, and some faygo for me.” He looked up at you after he had finished his list of snack items which only frustrated you more as you were pulling your best ‘that shit can wait’ face.

You tore the bag from his grip and dropped it at the doorway, practically dragging him back to your bedroom out of pure lust. He took the initiative to get onto your bed by himself, which was lucky for him because if he hadn’t you would have thrown him there too, smiling wider than was necessary considering the situation. He started to pull at the hem of his shirt but didn’t get far before you crawled on top of him to assault his lips. He made a soft, surprised noise before abandoning his grip on his shirt to rest his fingers on the small of your back. Asshole, he should have known that you would be the one in charge.

You didn’t mess around either, kissing and sucking on his lower lip without abandon and certainly to no protest of Gamzee. He became more handsy, daringly pushing his palms past the fabric of your shirt and stroking up your back. It was a weak spot for you and he knew it. He took advantage of your momentary lapse of dominance to welcome his tongue into your mouth, feeling like he was exploring something he was already familiar with. You had never been much for tongue so he didn’t linger long in your mouth before retracting his tongue to continue kissing you.

Still attached at the lips, Gamzee maneuvered you both around until you felt the soft cover on your bed hit your back, allowing him to rest comfortably between your thighs. By now, you were aching to be touched; You had always been quickly aroused. Every slight shift in the fabric between you elicited an anticipating noise from your throat, noises that were dulled by Gamzee’s lips against yours. When you felt starved of air, you pulled yourself away from his kiss, inhaling deeply and dragging your legs further up the bed to a more comfortable position. That didn’t stop Gamzee from finding another place to occupy his mouth.

He began pressing delicate kisses at the base of your jugular, around your collar bone, behind your ear. He was being gentle with you as he knew you liked it. Despite your aggressive nature to begin, rough wasn’t always your go to. You liked it soft and tender, something your best friend was mimicking with his mouth. He didn’t bite, just littered your neck with soft pressured pecks. And god, you loved it.

You must have been making more pleased noises than you realised because you felt the distinct raised mound in Gamzee’s jeans pressing against your crotch. A gentle ‘oh’ pushed from your mouth and you dipped your head back further into the bed, breathing erratic and needy. He had barely done anything yet and you were already a mess. You had to remind yourself that he was all too familiar with how to work your body. He didn’t apply much force, just gently rocked his hips into you without any direction as to where he was rubbing you. He didn’t need to. It was just enough tease to pleasure you. You tried to keep your mind rational so you could actually recognise everything he was doing to you. It was hard when he did it so well.

His hands instead pushed themselves the rest of way up your shirt, moving his head from your neck to pull it free from your body easily. Never stopping his subtle grinding, he rested his palms at the middle of your waist and began to kiss down your sternum. He didn’t stay long, knowing that your chest wasn’t an area of interest to you, before he was moving you closer to the head of the bed. You let him, using the opportunity to grip the fabric of your pillows with your idle fingers. He was sitting between your legs now, looking at you with a hunger in his eyes. You could see exactly what he was thinking as if your minds were one in this moment.

He pressed his fingers into the hem of your shorts, stripping you slowly whilst you watched his every move. He was still teasing you. You hated and loved him right now. He took your underwear with your shorts, carefully placing them next to your bed before resting himself comfortable between your thighs. His face between your thighs. At this point, you were completely exposed to your best friend whilst he remained in all of his clothes. Seeing Gamzee naked was still a bit hit and miss at the best of times. Sometimes, he would feel more self conscious about his scars than usual and sometimes he was too into it to give it much thought. You had learnt to respect whichever mood he was in.

Gamzee ducked his head into the crease where your pubis met your thigh, nuzzling his nose gently into the skin there and using a free hand to caress your thigh. You smiled at the pure innocence of it, always amazed that he seemed to do this specific motion every time as if it were ritual. Perhaps he was admiring your heavier thighs. He lingered for a moment before tilting his head sideways ever so slightly, dotting a closed mouth kiss on your pubic mound. You giggled then, watching how your hair tickled his nose and he smiled back at you. You realised that this was something at first you didn’t know you needed right now too. Delicate intimacy.

He lowered himself further until his lips were aligned with your clitoris - you inhaled softly - where he closed the space between you and sucked the bud in gently. You were already over-sensitized from all the teasing and soft touches that had preoccupied the last ten minutes so by the time he made contact, you let out a well needed stretched moan. He never became aggressive when he heard you vocalising, always staying light and gentle with his movements. You could feel his tongue press up against the attentative nub and roll over it gently. And again. And again. He built himself into a steady rhythm with his tongue then, spelling your name in your indecency and swirling stars in your mind. He had always been good with his mouth and now was a better time than any to benefit from his skills.

The ceiling became your theatre and you sang sweet notes up to it, fueled by the pleasure you were receiving. You weren’t particularly loud right now but you knew you could be. Your throat released gentle ‘oh’s and ‘ah’s as your fast paced breathing pushed them from deep within you. Everything was instinct by now; There was no room for structured thinking. Every noise you made, every move your body made, every flicker of pleasure that rose from your abdomen was pre-existing inside of you without any cloud of judgement hanging over it. It was all rather poetic really.

It felt like Gamzee had been down there for mere seconds but by the time his tarnished mouth appeared back in your line of view, he had been pleasuring you for more than five minutes. What a trooper, you hadn’t even shaved. You returned your gaze to him then, watching him unzip his trousers to release himself from his fabric confines. You repositioned yourself on the bed then, adjusting the pillows that had fell whilst you were leaning back into them and shifting your legs again. When you looked up at him after doing so, he was preparing himself by pumping up his penis. You became even more excited at the idea of what was coming next.

Gamzee moved closer between your legs, running his palm up the skin of your thigh and positioning himself to enter you. He didn’t take his sweet time like he had done everything else. He pressed forward without much second thought, pulling your legs up with him as he became level with your chest. You curled your legs around his waist for support and sighed contently, smiling to the one person watching with your own eyes closed. It had been a while since you had been allowed this sort of intimacy and fuck, you still couldn’t believe how much you really needed it right now.

He started to mock the rolling grind motions he had been making earlier when you were both fully clothed and even though your eyes were closed, you knew he was watching your face carefully. It was a habit of his, only through you asking him did you know it was so he could make sure he was doing it right. He always did it right. You were just too stubborn or perhaps embarrassed to tell him that. You encouraged him anyway, with delicate moans that could melt even the most grumpiest of people’s heart. You were perhaps lucky that your moans sounded the way they did, at least your partner always had something nice to listen to.

Successfully lead by your pretty noises, Gamzee pulled back slightly to drive back in, slow and tender. He repeated the motion cautiously until he settled into the pace that he had created, resting his arms and hands under your back to hold you comfortably. Short, heavy breaths and gentle, appreciative moans left your mouth just as consistently as his thrusts by now, you didn’t even have to think about it. It all felt so natural and right. Your usually whirling mind space was blank and the only thing you felt the need to so much as concentrate on was the building pleasure happening in your vaginal walls. It ran up your abdomen and set your heart into a flutter with just how

tender he was.

In this time you could forget who your were and just lose yourself to these few minutes of primitive pleasure.

But then the phone rang. And you were brought back to reality.

You weren’t exactly in any fit state to be speaking on the phone right now and it wasn’t exactly a good idea anyway considering the only people who rang your mobile were clients or family. You didn’t want to speak to either of them like this. Or Dave. But he obviously didn’t want to talk to you either. Whilst you chose to ignore, Gamzee didn’t do the same, taking it upon himself to unhook one hand from your back and answer the phone.

“Hello motherfucker?”

You stared at him wide eyed and gaping mouth. He had slowed his movements down to be able to talk to whoever it was on the phone. Was he being serious right now?!

“Heeeellllloooo?”

You heard a gruff voice on the other end of the phone but your head was too cloudy to register whose voice it was.

“That’s a more appropriate question for me, don’t you think, motherfucker?”

You still couldn’t hear who it was and you were growing impatient that Gamzee might be talking to either a client or - god forbid - your family.

“Gamzee! Get the fuck off my pho-na-ahh!” You hadn’t meant to let a moan slip whilst you were trying to get Gamzee to just hang up but as you were speaking, he delivered a sharp thrust that caused the both of you to make a questionable noise. While you were recovering from what just happened, still kind of mad, Gamzee was looking at the phone screen. No doubt after that display whoever it was put the phone down.

“What the hell, Gamzee?! Who was that??”

Your anger didn’t stay long as your best friend began to push himself back into you, picking up the pace he had dropped earlier if not slightly faster. You were a shivering, moaning wreck in record time.

“Obviously.. No-one important.”

By the time he had thrust himself a few more times, there was no more room for you to give a shit who he was talking to anymore. Your mind drew a blank and your head was leant back into the pillow as you surrendered yourself to the growing orgasm you felt building inside of you. His faster pace had only heightened your senses and shortened the time it would take for you to receive ecstasy. At this moment, you had fully accepted that.

Your breath and moans mixed together in a mess of desperation. Your pitch became higher and higher the closer you felt to the edge. From the sounds of it, Gamzee wasn’t too far behind either. You clung to his neck for stability and curved your back to meet his chest. For the first time, Gamzee couldn’t control himself to stay slow as his thrusts became increasingly faster and deeper, driving for release. You didn’t mind, every stroke bubbling up in your lower half to the point you were certain it would spill over. And it did.

You came with a crying scream, the loudest you had been so far, your walls tightening around your best friend until you could also feel him shuddering with his own release. Your grip on his neck tightened as you rode out the surge of feeling, leaving your legs feeling weak as they dropped from Gamzee’s hip back onto the bed. You inhaled deeply, filling your lungs with the air they so desperately required until you felt him lean against your chest tiredly.
You were filled with his love.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I'm really sorry to have to say but.. I won't be updating this fic anymore. I knew it was a long shot when I began to write it, but I did so anyway.. There's nothing that's exactly happen, I've just grown.. Bored of it I suppose. That happens from time to time and that's usually why I end up only writing one shots. I'm really sorry to the people who were enjoying this fic and the ones who were looking forward to reading more. I had started the next chapter months ago but couldn't bring myself to finish it. It was barely two paragraphs so I won't bother adding it in below this; it might just harshen the situation in my opinion. I know this fic wasn't overwhelmingly popular but I want to thank those of you who have stayed along for the ride <3 your kudos and comments have always been greatly appreciated. I may write something new in the future, perhaps in a different fandom. Thank you all for reading Don't Flirt With Me With Dank Memes and hopefully I may see some of your names in the future <3