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“Everything I’ve done was to protect you.” he said as he sat in a dark cell, “So why did you leave me to die?” His face covered in thick blood and his body crumpled in the corner, “Katie, I’m scared. It’s so cold and everything hurts. Save me…” he jumped as he heard a creaking and a shadow stood over him, “Help me! Don’t let him hurt me! Katie!” Then there was red. The walls splattered in a thick red color and the sound of strangle cries filled the empty spaces.
“MATT! NO!” I screamed as I jumped up in my bed.
Sweat clumped in my hair and made it cling to my face. Tears gushed down my cheeks as I tried to catch my breath at the vague nightmare. My heart screamed in terror while it raced in my chest and nearly burst. Each breath was painful to take as I clawed at my arms in an attempt to make it stop.
“Why did you leave me to die?”
NO!
There was a pounding at my door. I flinched at the initial noise. The banging echoed off every wall and seemed to erase the ringing in my ears.
“I’m scared.”
I curled up in the corner of my bed, where the walls meet, and pulled my knees close to my chest. I pushed my face in my legs as I curled my fingers in my hair as the door opened. I rocked back and forth and banged my head against the wall to try and make the voices stop.
“Pidge, are you okay?!” Lance and Allura ran into the room followed by Keith. The others must’ve been asleep or waiting outside of the room. Keith had his bayard in his hands ready to attack whatever hurt me.
“G-get away from me!” I pushed my hands out, “Don’t touch me!”
“Pidge,” Shiro’s serenity struck me like a rusty arrow. The bed creaked as he climbed next to me.
I wanted to scream and punch him in the jaw. My fear senses spiked at the mere touch and I flailed around to escape. He looped an arm around my waist to hold me down. My chest heaved as I wheezed to catch my breath.
Coran and Hunk peeked their head inside the door and cringed back when I threw a pillow in their direction. Shiro grabbed my wrists and threw them over my head. He pinned me flat against my bed and ordered me to look at him.
“Pidge!” he hissed, “You’re okay. It’s okay.” His calmness dripped down into my core as he brushed away the tears that stained my cheeks. My heart rate was slowly calming as the violent trembles ceases.
Then I heard it again
“Everything I’ve done was to protect you.”
“M-make it STOP!” I screamed again and weakly thrashed in Shiro’s hold.
“Make what stop?” Hunk asked as he knelt by the bedside with some lavender scented liquid he picked up from one of the passing planets.
“T-the voices, I c-can hear him crying to me,” I whispered.
“Who?” I knew Hunk was a sweetheart. He never seemed to have a problem in the world and he happily put other before him. Yet my guilt ate away at me until I became this crumpled up shell of a former person.
“Matt,” I said, “He’s scared and it’s all my fault. If I just went looking for him. I-if I wasn’t so weak-”
“You’re not weak!” Lance threw his hands up dramatically, “You are the strongest person I know, besides myself.” I cracked a smile at his stupid comment. He was only saying that to make me smile.
I tugged gently at Shiro’s hold but he wouldn’t give.
“You need to tell us what’s wrong,” Shiro sighed, “I’ve seen you act odd during training and now this happens.” It’s been happening Shiro… “If you need to talk, everyone here will listen. We care about you.”
I sighed and nodded. Coran ended up leaving to go back to sleep while Allura mumbled a little message and retreated back to her room. The rest of the team stayed behind.
Shiro relaxed and let go of me. He rolled off of my bed and knelt at the side just like Hunk. Lance and Keith took a seat at the edge of the bed and played with the pure white sheets that just mocked me.
‘The walls splattered in a thick red color and the sound of strangle cries filled the empty spaces.’
I cringed at the memory of the nightmare. I shook my head to try and forget, but it seems like remembering is so much easier.
“Hey Shiro,” I squeaked, “How do you not feel guilty about the Kerberos mission?”
Shiro sighed, “If I’m being completely honest, I feel terrible. I mean, I let my my team get taken by the Galra empire and now I have no idea where they are. And now I have to see you everyday and remember that I let him slip through my fingers.”
Him meaning Matt. I know Shiro always liked Matt a bit more than just friends. I could see the way those two looked at each other.
“I’m sorry I’m such a burden,” I said to him.
“No Pidge I didn’t mean that,” Shiro gasped quickly,” I meant that you inspire me to find them. Everyday I remember that they are still out there and I want to help bring them home.”
“You’re not the only one that feels terribly guilty,” I looked away from them, “I’ve been having these nightmares of Matt screaming for me and saying that I let him die. Then I just see these walls covered in blood and him screaming and it’s so terrifying-”
I was getting worked up again. Tears swelled behind my eyes. “But I don’t expect you guys to understand. I guess one of the big problems here is I’m alone in all of this.”
The room fell into a dry silence. Everyone was so terrified to speak.
“I know how you feel,” Keith spoke, “Well, I don’t really have a family to go back to. I went to the Garrison because my foster family didn’t want to deal with me, that’s why I flunked out and sort of ran away. I’m not surprised nobody cared, well except Lance. I was an orphan and every day I just feel guilty, maybe it was my fault that nobody wanted me.”
Lance put a firm hand on Keith’s shoulder. He pulled the paladin close to him and rubbed Keith’s back. I could see Lance place a quick little kiss on the top of Keith’s head.
I never knew this about Keith. My mind was put more at ease when I heard him tell his small story.
“Keith’s not the only one,” Hunk said, “I used to be bullied in school because of my weight. But see, I’m not ashamed of my body, I’m so proud it hurts! So I just felt like maybe I was abnormal. My parents run a bakery, which is where I learned how to cook, and I told them about it. After I was physically bullied, my parents pulled me from school and scraped together enough money to send me to the Garrison. I loved it there.”
I reached over to took hold of Hunk’s hand.
Lance scoffed, “How did this turn into a therapy session?”
“Don’t you have anything to get off your chest?” Keith smacked Lance’s chest and pushed himself off of the blue paladin. I bit back a chuckle as he brushed down his hair.
“My family is great!” Lance smiled, “We’re a big family and I’m the middle out of four other kids. Sure it was kind of difficult to get attention but I love my siblings.” Lance’s grin flipped upside down, “I mean, I’ve struggled with my sexuality and no one seems to understand. My family expects me to marry some girl and give them lots of grandkids or nieces and nephews, but I honestly don’t really like that…”
Lance looked over at Keith and took his hand, “I’m fine with adopting kids, but I don’t want a girlfriend and my family can’t understand that. I would always hear them throwing around homophobic slurs and each slur felt like a stab at my heart. I suppose I’ve felt guilty that I’m like this and I’ll never get my family to love me for who I am.”
I thought this conversation was supposed to make me feel better. My heart ached at everyone’s story. It was almost as if my problems were insignificant compared to them.
“Pidge, you aren’t alone,” Shiro smiled, “We all know how you feel, and as you get more comfortable you can just spill your guts out. We’ll always be here to listen.”
“Yeah! We’re your space family!” Hunk cheered.
“Thanks guys,” I cocked my head with a gentle smile laced on my lips, “But can we talk in the morning, or whatever we call it? I’m tired.”
“Keith fell asleep on me!” Lance’s voice spiked up ten pitches.
“Good luck with that, now get out of my room,” I crossed my arms over my chest.
After everyone filed out of my room, Lance had to carry Keith, I laid on my bed and looked up at the ceiling. My guilt sat heavily on my stomach, but it’s relieving to know that I’m not alone in this anymore.